Healing in Christ

Faith Hope and Love

December 7, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

The Three Pillars of the Soul are Your Greatest Assets

In the famous “Love Chapter” of the Bible, the Apostle Paul concludes a masterpiece on human relationships with a definitive statement:

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV

While we often focus on love, it is important to realize that Paul presents these three as a set. They are the tripod of the spiritual life; if one leg is missing, the structure collapses. For anyone feeling spiritually exhausted or directionless, understanding the distinct roles of faith, hope, and love isn’t just an academic exercise—it is the key to finding a steady rhythm in a chaotic world.

The Root: Faith is Trusting a Person

We often treat faith as a vague “feeling,” but biblical faith is much more robust. It is the “root” system of your spiritual life.

Faith and trust are inseparable. If you have faith, you are actively placing your weight on the character and person of Jesus Christ. You cannot have a vibrant faith without trust, just as you cannot sit in a chair without trusting that it will hold you.

Faith precedes hope:

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1 NIV

This tells us that faith is the substance—it is the ground you stand on today so that you can look toward tomorrow. Faith is the conviction that the One who made the promises is not only capable of keeping them, but He will keep them without fail. Without faith, our desires for the future are just wishful thinking; faith is what gives our hope its “teeth.”

The Oxygen: Hope is Trusting a Promise

If faith is the root, hope is the flower that reaches toward the sun. While faith is built on our current stance and our history with God’s faithfulness, hope is inherently forward-looking. It is the excitement and “blessed assurance” of an anticipated event.

Biblical hope is different from worldly “wishing.” You can “hope” it doesn’t snow tomorrow, but that is a hope built on a vacuum because no one promised you clear skies. However, when we have faith in Jesus, we aren’t just wishing; we are trusting in a guaranteed outcome.

If Jesus never promised us anything, there would be no need for hope. Faith would be enough.

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?
Romans 8:24 ESV

Hope is the fuel that carries us across the finish line. It is the spiritual oxygen that allows us to breathe when the present moment feels suffocating. It tells us that the current chapter is not the end of the book. Through faith, we have a hope that doesn’t just exist—it carries us along.

The Source: Love is the Heartbeat of Faith and Hope

Why is love the greatest? Because love is the “why” behind the “what.”

If Jesus were not the embodiment of love, He would have no reason to provide a way for us to trust Him, nor would He have provided the promises we hope in (Ephesians 2:8-9). Love is the primary mover. It is the greatest because it involves the most risk and the highest sacrifice. Love is what drove Christ to sacrifice everything to bridge the gap between us and God.

Anyone can hope for their own benefit, and many can believe in a set of facts. But few truly love. To love is to sacrifice; it is to put another’s value above your own comfort. It is also the only one of the three that will continue into eternity. In heaven, our faith will become sight and our hope will be fully realized, but love will simply go on forever.

Why You Need the Full Tripod

A healthy spiritual life requires the balance of all three. Without this balance, our walk with God can become lopsided:

Faith without Hope is a dry, intellectual assent—you believe God is real, but you don’t actually expect Him to move in your future.
Hope without Faith is a fragile dream—you want things to get better, but you have no foundation to believe they actually will.
Faith and Hope without Love is cold and mechanical—it feels like a legal contract rather than a vibrant relationship.

When you have all three, you become resilient. You have a faith that stabilizes you in the storm, a hope that gives you a reason to keep sailing, and a love that makes the entire journey worth the effort.

Summary for the Heart

Faith is trusting the Person.
Hope is trusting the Promises of the Person.
Love is the Person that makes both possible.

Anyone can hope. Many people believe in something. They trust and have faith. Few truly love.

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Last updated 20260503

Understanding: The Struggle To Find Peace

March 16, 2019 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Is Understanding a Blessing or a Curse?

What is normal can often go unnoticed. Like the hum of a refrigerator or the weight of the air, our internal state becomes the background noise of our lives. When you are in a season of hardship, your thoughts often switch to autopilot. You spend your days—and often your nights—investing every ounce of your brain’s computing power into analyzing the confusion and sadness you’re going through.

You’ve dedicated your full computing power to solving the puzzle of your life. But what if all that mental effort is actually unnecessary? What if there is a simpler solution than “figuring it out”? Here is a perspective shift that might feel like cold water on a tired face: your efforts to understand every “why” might actually be the thing keeping you from finding peace in the middle of a struggle.

Stop Leaning on Your Own Understanding

We often believe that if we can just solve the mystery of our circumstances, the anxiety will stop. We think that “Knowledge = Peace.” However, your perspective on your current situation is likely missing critical pieces of data. God has those missing pieces, and He often holds them until the moment they are actually required.

Proverbs 3:5 famously instructs: “Lean not on your own understanding.” Yet, just a few verses later, Proverbs 3:13 encourages: “Get understanding.” At first glance, this feels like a contradiction. Is understanding a virtue or a trap?

The distinction lies in the source. God isn’t telling you to avoid all logic or wisdom; He is saying that your limited perspective can become a cage. You gain His understanding as—or often after—you walk in faith. Real insight is rarely found in the heat of the moment; it is a gift that often arrives in hindsight, once you have moved through the difficulty.

Accepting the Struggle As Is: A Pathway to Peace

Most people are familiar with the Serenity Prayer, but we often treat it like a greeting card sentiment rather than a survival manual. To find peace in the middle of a struggle, we have to look closer at the wisdom Reinhold Niebuhr penned:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This shortened version is about setting firm boundaries for your understanding. It’s about recognizing which parts of your life are already fixed by time or circumstance and which parts are open to your agency. If you are using your energy trying to change a reality that is beyond your control, you are depleting the very resources you need to survive today.

The full version of the prayer takes it deeper:

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.

Peace isn’t found by rearranging the world so it matches your desires; it’s found by accepting the world “as it is” and trusting in a sovereign God who is already at the destination. For more on how to manage the mental clutter that prevents this kind of surrender, you can explore my guide on overcoming identity clutter.

Understanding The Problem

When you are overwhelmed, your brain asks: “How do I fix this?” But that might be the wrong question. If you are afraid, do you know what you’re really afraid of?

Often, we aren’t afraid of the problem itself; we are afraid of the uncertainty that comes with it. We are afraid that if we don’t understand the plan, then there is no plan. We treat our lives like a high-stakes gamble that could go wrong at any moment. But for the traveler who belongs to God, the end of the story is already written, and it is good.

To find peace in the middle of a struggle, you must stop trying to engineer the outcome and start listening for the quiet prompts of the Spirit in the present. Are you treating your history as a list of failures, or as a library of lessons? When you realize that your past has equipped you and your future is secure, the pressure of the present moment begins to lift.

Finding Peace Beyond Understanding

You don’t need life to make sense to have peace. You just need to be quiet enough to recognize the next step. God’s map for your life is already drawn, and the light is already hitting the path. You don’t have to create the light; you just have to stop closing your eyes to it by obsessing over your own limited understanding.

If you feel like you’re losing your way, remember that you are never truly adrift. You are simply in a high-pressure middle ground where your true self—the one that exists apart from your mistakes or your fears—is being revealed. Take a breath. Stop the autopilot thoughts. Surrender the need to know “Why,” and ask God for the “What now?”

The path forward isn’t a secret code you have to crack; it is the natural result of standing on the solid ground of your faith while keeping your eyes on the promise of restoration.

Task for Today: Identify one thing today that you have been trying to “analyze” to death. Practice accepting what you cannot change and ask God for the peace that surpasses your current ability to understand.

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Last updated: 20260412

Looking up through a bamboo forest toward a clear sky, symbolizing finding clarity and perspective in marriage conflict.

Pain Clouds Perspective In Marriage

October 28, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

Conflict in marriage isn’t always about the facts. Discover how “investments” and past pain cloud your perspective and how to find clarity through validation.

If five people witness a car accident, you will likely get five different eyewitness reports. If three people interpret a Bible verse, they will often have three different opinions of its meaning. In a marriage, a husband and a wife can recall the same event and describe two completely different realities.

Why are there so many different viewpoints? The answer lies in our “investment.” We don’t just see facts; we interpret life through the lens of our convictions, worldviews, and past traumas. To begin understanding perspectives in marriage, we must look at the hidden motivations that drive our reactions.

The Investment: Why We Care So Much

Most of the time, people interpret life based on how life has shaped them. A person who was bitten by a dog as a child might invest significant energy into avoiding dogs. A parent whose child was injured by a faulty car seat might suddenly become obsessed with vehicle safety ratings. However, these situations highlight an unfinished healing process.

In a marriage, these investments often show up as trauma reactions. We care most about what has caused us extreme pain or extreme happiness. One way to find out what someone truly believes is to witness them in a heated argument. The more agitated we become, the more likely we are to bypass our filters and speak our reactionary “raw truth.” The words may be exaggerated, but the underlying motivation is revealed.

Biblical Tensions in Understanding Perspectives in Marriage

When we look to the Bible to resolve these differing viewpoints, we often find verses that seem to pull us in two different directions. How we interpret these verses depends heavily on our perspective.

Interpretation 1: Putting Others First

Many point to Philippians 2:3: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” From this perspective, understanding your spouse means laying down your own viewpoint entirely. You might feel that “loving well” requires you to ignore your own pain to accommodate your spouse.

Interpretation 2: Loving Your Neighbor as Yourself

In contrast, Mark 12:31 tells us to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This perspective suggests a vital balance. You cannot truly love or validate someone else if you have not first learned how to love and validate yourself.

While humility is essential, I believe the second interpretation is the foundation for healthy communication. If you don’t validate your own perspective first, your “selflessness” will eventually turn into resentment. You must learn to “breathe” before you can help your spouse catch their breath.

Seeing and Validating Your Own Perspective

The key to being able to see and validate another person’s perspective starts with seeing and validating yours. Sometimes the need to be right or to be validated is overwhelming. It can feel as essential as breathing.

When you are triggered by a past trauma, your brain enters survival mode. In this state, you aren’t looking for a solution; you are looking for safety. However, once you acknowledge your own motivation such as—“I am acting this way because I am afraid of being controlled”—you are able to breathe again. Once you can breathe, you gain the emotional capacity to understand your spouse’s motivations without feeling threatened.

Mastering Understanding Perspectives in Marriage

If you are struggling to communicate, the first step is to gain understanding—and that understanding must begin with yourself. Before you can accurately interpret your spouse’s actions, you must interpret your own heart.

Start by focusing on yourself with questions like these:

Why does this specific issue cause me so much pain?
What part of my past is influencing my current reaction right now?
Am I seeking perceptive trust or am I stuck in a defensive posture?

Once you have identified your own “investment” and allowed yourself to breathe, you can then flip those questions toward your spouse. Instead of judging their behavior, try to discern their motivation: What is causing them pain here? How might their past be influencing this moment? Are they just trying to feel safe?

When you understand the investment, you are well on your way to negotiating a solution. Instead of judging the “wrong” perspective, you can use discernment to improve the relationship. This shift moves the conversation from “Who is right?” to “How can we both feel safe and heard?”

By ensuring your empathy is healthy, you can keep one foot planted in your reality while reaching out to understand theirs. This is the path to a marriage that doesn’t just survive conflict but grows through it.

The 5-Minute Perspective Check

A tool for finding your “air” mid-argument.

1. Identify the Physical Sensation: Where am I feeling tension? (Tight chest, clenched jaw?) This is your “dashboard” telling you that you’ve lost your air.
2. Validate the Feeling: Tell yourself, “It makes sense that I feel [scared/angry] right now because I value [security/respect].”
3. Separate History from the Present: Is my reaction 10% about what my spouse just said and 90% about a past wound?
4. Pivot to Curiosity: Once you feel your heart rate slow, ask one curiosity-based question: “Can you help me understand what is making this so important to you right now?“

Matt created image using Gemini
Last updated 20260220

Biblical discernment dashboard showing feelings as information.

Why Your Feelings Are Important

March 9, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Learn how to treat your feelings as vital data points and partner them with Biblical truth to make healthier, more discerning life decisions.

Your emotions are part of the complete package God provided. You have a body with five senses, you have thoughts, and you have feelings. None of these exist in a vacuum; they are designed to work together to help you navigate a complex world.

There isn’t anything wrong with your feelings. However, problems arise when we either ignore them entirely or interpret them as absolute commands. To live a discerning life, we must learn to see feelings as Information, not Instruction.

Feelings as Internal Senses

Your feelings provide information just like your physical senses. If something smells bad, you use that information to help you make a decision. If you smell smoke, your “smell data” suggests there might be a fire.

The trouble starts if you bias the information to favor the decision you want to make. If you want to stay in a warm house despite the smoke, you might try to convince yourself the smell isn’t objective. Conversely, if you overly value a single sense, you miss out on the full reality. Some foods smell bad but are actually good for you. Some foods have a strange texture but taste wonderful. If you prioritize texture above all else, your “data” is incomplete.

Our emotions work the same way. They are like a dashboard in a car—the “Check Engine” light isn’t the problem; it’s simply a report on the state of the engine. We must understand that emotions are never sinful, while also realizing they are only one part of the dashboard.

The Brownie Bias: Decoding Your History

When I was a child, I had some bad food experiences with brownies and roasted pumpkin seeds on separate occasions. To this day, I sometimes feel queasy before I eat these foods.

My feelings are giving me “data”: Danger! This made us sick before! But unless all brownies in the world are poisoned, my feeling is biased. It’s a “false positive” based on past pain. If I let that feeling be my only instructor, I miss out on a perfectly good dessert.

We all have “Brownie Biases” in our relationships and spiritual lives. A past hurt might make you feel “queasy” about trusting a new friend or a new church. In those moments, you have to ask a difficult question: Should these feelings be trusted or discounted? Is the feeling a valid warning, or is it just an old memory ringing an alarm bell?

Fact vs. Fiction: The Art of Discernment

God made your feelings, so they must be important. They are meant to work in partnership with your other senses and your intellect. Then, through your ability to discern fact from fiction, you can correctly interpret all the input you’ve gathered to make a godly decision.

Life becomes interesting when strong feelings come into conflict with the truth. This is the exact tension Adam and Eve faced in Genesis 3. Eve felt the fruit was desirable; she saw it was pleasant. Her sensory data was screaming “Yes!” but God’s word had said “No.”

Deception often thrives in the gap between what we feel and what is true. When these two are in conflict, we have to decide which one to prioritize. Sometimes, we must lean on the truth to lead our feelings; other times, a “negative” feeling is actually God’s way of pointing us toward a truth we are trying to ignore. In fact, there are 2 helpful no-guilt negative emotions that are specifically designed to lead us back to a right path.

Reflection and Application

Your emotions aren’t an obstacle to a spiritual life; they can actually be a bridge to a deeper understanding of yourself and God. But to use that bridge, you must be willing to look at them objectively.

As you go through this week, reflect on the “data” your heart is sending you:

Check the Bias: Have you ever been absolutely sure of something because of a “gut feeling,” only to find out you were wrong? What was the bias behind that feeling?
Consult the Dashboard: Are you treating your feelings as Information (something to be weighed) or Instruction (something that must be obeyed)?
Bridge or Obstacle: In your current situation, is your emotion an obstacle or a bridge to the truth?

God wants the “complete package” of who you are—body, mind, and spirit—to be aligned with His truth. Don’t be afraid to consider all the data God has provided.

Last updated 20260215
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Already Eternal, Even When You Feel Useless

February 1, 2026 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Hope for the Days You Feel Unseen, Unworthy, or Not Enough

I’ve come to believe that salvation doesn’t just lead to eternity—it begins it.

It’s not a future reward for a present decision. It’s the unfolding of something already decreed, already alive, already rooted in the eternal purposes of God. Ephesians 1:4 says He chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world. That means my salvation didn’t start with me—it started with Him.

I am already an eternal being—not because I chose to be, but because God says I am. That’s not presumption. That’s faith. 2 Timothy 1:9 reminds me that grace was given “before the ages began.” My identity is not something I earn or maintain. It’s something I receive.

And I trust that it’s not up to me. Because I know myself. I will always fall short. I will always doubt, stumble, forget, and fail. If salvation depends on my grip, I’m lost. But if it depends on God’s grip, then I’m held.

Philippians 1:6 says He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion. That’s the kind of promise I can rest in. That’s the kind of God I can trust.

So when I say “salvation begins eternity,” I mean:
It’s not just a rescue. It’s a rebirth.
It’s not just a future. It’s a present reality.
It’s not just a hope. It’s a declaration—spoken by the One who cannot lie.

And that’s amazingly good news.

Already Eternal: When You Can’t Feel It

But let’s be honest: sometimes eternity feels distant. Sometimes salvation feels like a theological idea instead of a living reality. Sometimes we wake up discouraged, bored, or quietly hopeless—wondering if anything in our lives is actually changing.

You might know the verses. You might believe the doctrine. But you still feel stuck.
Stuck in the same routines.
Stuck in the same weaknesses.
Stuck in a life that feels small or unimpressive.

And in those moments, it’s easy to think, Maybe God isn’t using me. Maybe I’m too ordinary. Maybe I’ve missed something. Maybe I’m not enough.

But that’s exactly where the truth that “salvation begins eternity” becomes more than theology—it becomes oxygen.

Because if salvation is the beginning of eternity, then eternity is already in you, even when you don’t feel eternal. God’s life is already at work in you, even when you feel lifeless. His purposes are already unfolding, even when your circumstances look painfully ordinary.

Eternity doesn’t begin when you feel spiritual.
Eternity doesn’t begin when you overcome your weaknesses.
Eternity doesn’t begin when you finally “get it together.”

Eternity began the moment God set His love on you—long before you took your first breath.

Already Eternal: God Works in the Places We Overlook

Discouragement often comes from believing that God only works in dramatic moments — the big calling, the big breakthrough, the big transformation. But Scripture shows us a God who delights in working through the small, the hidden, the overlooked.

A shepherd boy in a field.
A widow with two coins.
A mustard seed.
A stable in Bethlehem.

God’s eternal purposes rarely look impressive at first glance. They look ordinary. They look slow. They look like nothing is happening—until suddenly everything is happening.

Faith is recognizing the unseen reality God has already established. So if your life feels quiet, unimpressive, or directionless, that doesn’t mean God is absent. It means He is working in the same way He always has: faithfully, patiently, eternally.

Already Eternal: When You Feel Not Good Enough

One of the deepest lies discouragement whispers is this: God is disappointed in you.

But salvation that begins eternity means God didn’t choose you because you were impressive—and He doesn’t keep you because you’re consistent. He keeps you because He is faithful.

Your weakness doesn’t threaten His plan.
Your doubts don’t cancel His promises.
Your failures don’t undo His calling.

If anything, your insufficiency is the very stage where His sufficiency shines.

Already Eternal: Hope for the Discouraged Heart

So if you feel like your life is going nowhere, hear this:
Eternity is already going somewhere—and it’s carrying you with it.

If you feel like God has no use for you, remember:
He chose you before the world began. He doesn’t make meaningless choices.

If you feel like you’re too broken, too inconsistent, or too ordinary, remember:
God’s eternal work is often invisible before it becomes undeniable.

Salvation doesn’t just secure your future.
It anchors your present.
It steadies your heart.
It breathes hope into the places where you feel stuck or forgotten.

Eternity begins the moment we entrust our lives to Him—and we taste it every time we surrender to His truth.

More About Hope

Unshakable Hope In Times Of Despair

Contemplate Your Priorities To Prevent Spiritual Decay

January 11, 2026 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

A self‑reflective life is worth living. When we stop paying attention to our priorities, we don’t simply remain neutral — we drift. And when humans drift, they rarely drift toward what is solid, true, or life‑giving. Instead, we tend to slide toward what is shallow, distracting, or spiritually lifeless.

Jesus warned us that “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). What we prioritize reveals what we treasure, and what we treasure shapes the direction of our lives. The danger comes when our priorities become misaligned — when we focus on what is peripheral rather than what is eternal.

Life is full of false substitutes that promise fulfillment but quietly pull us away from Jesus Christ. And even when we feel like we’ve finally “arrived,” that sense of arrival can itself be a sign that we’ve drifted. A life of faith is not about reaching a perfect state; it’s about continually returning to what matters most.

Daily Provision, Not Earthly Security

God’s priorities rarely match our desire for immediate results or long‑term guarantees. Consider Israel in the wilderness. God provided manna one day at a time, and only at the end of the week did He allow them to gather enough for two days. The lesson is unmistakable: earthly security is fragile. What we store up can disappear in a moment, and blessings can arrive just as quickly.

Jesus reinforces this truth when He says, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth… but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven” (Matthew 6:19–20). The point is not that earthly things are bad, but that they are temporary. God invites us to invest in what lasts.

What Matters Most Is God’s Will in This Moment

Our lives may feel off course. Circumstances may look chaotic or even hopeless. But appearances are not the measure of God’s work. What matters most is the present moment — the moment in which God speaks, redirects, and realigns us.

When God’s truth reaches your heart, it can return you to the right path instantly. His will is not hidden behind layers of complexity. Often, it is revealed in the next faithful step.

Proverbs 3:5–6 captures this beautifully:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

Straight paths don’t mean easy paths. They mean aligned paths — paths that follow God’s priorities rather than our own assumptions.

Setting Priorities With Wisdom and Flexibility

When life feels overwhelming, the most helpful question is often the simplest: What is the next best thing to do? Not the perfect thing. Not the final thing. Just the next faithful step.

Priorities work best when they are set across different time frames:

Daily: What must be done today to honor God and steward what He’s given me?

Weekly: What rhythms help me stay grounded, healthy, and spiritually attentive?

Monthly: What goals am I moving toward, and are they still aligned with God’s will?

Yearly: What direction is my life taking, and is it leading me toward Christ or away from Him?

The farther out you plan, the more flexible you must be. God often redirects us through new information, unexpected opportunities, or challenges we didn’t anticipate. Planning is wise — but clinging to our plans is not. James offers a sobering reminder about the limits of our control:

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
James 4:13-15 NIV

Questions That Clarify True Priorities

Desire and Discernment

What do I want? (my will)

What do I understand God wants? (God’s will)

Evaluation and Honesty

Does what I’m doing serve a purpose that matters for eternity?

Am I avoiding something because it feels uncomfortable, even though it would lead to spiritual or emotional growth?

These questions expose the gap between what we say we value and what we actually prioritize.

Attuning to What Is Deep and Eternal

God invites us to live from the deeper parts of life — the parts shaped by truth, purpose, and eternal significance. There is always more to seek and more to discover. Prioritizing well is not a one‑time decision; it is a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly practice of realignment.

The question is simple: Are you willing to continually reprioritize your life so that it reflects what God values most?

A life aligned with God’s priorities doesn’t happen by accident — it grows from daily, intentional surrender.

More About Life Priorities

Prioritize To Avoid Hardship

Important Not Urgent: How Jesus Prioritizes

Image created by Matt using Copilot.

Repentance: God’s Gift Of Grace That Restores

July 18, 2010 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Repentance and Forgiveness Pave the Way for Reconciliation

Every person wounded by a broken relationship longs for healing. But reconciliation requires two movements: forgiveness from the offended, and repentance from the offender. Only when these meet—both prompted by God’s Spirit—can true restoration take place. Reconciliation is not simply the absence of conflict—it is the presence of renewed trust, where two hearts are brought together under God’s mercy.

What is Repentance?

While the offended forgives, the offender repents. This is the only way to fully reconcile a relationship. Repentance does involve behavior change, but it must include more to be genuine. Repentance is more than saying, ‘I’m sorry.’ It is a Spirit-enabled surrender that opens the heart to God, allowing Him to change it from within. Without this inward surrender, our words may only mean, “I’m sorry I got caught.”

Paul reminds us that godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, while worldly sorrow leaves us empty and unchanged. Worldly sorrow focuses on consequences—fear of punishment, embarrassment, or loss of reputation. Godly sorrow, however, grieves the offense against God Himself and longs for restoration. 2 Corinthians 7:10 says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

Repentance: The Pain of an Inward Look

Looking inward is a necessary but uncomfortable part of repentance. Pride that shields our heart must be confronted and broken. This requires courage. Genuine repentance involves wanting to be good, not only acting good. We cannot be good on our own, so this is where God’s grace is needed.

God, in His mercy, allows circumstances strong enough to dismantle our defenses—but gentle enough to preserve relationship. He wounds in order to heal, and He breaks in order to rebuild. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted…”

Reflections

Voices across history remind us that repentance is not weakness, but God’s way of making us holy.

Truly it is an evil to be full of faults, but it is a still greater evil to be full of them and be unwilling to recognize them.
Blaise Pascal

Christ accepts us as we are, but when He accepts us, we cannot remain as we are.
Walter Tobisch

For deeper study, R.T. Kendall’s Total Forgiveness explores what forgiveness is—and what it is not. Phillip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing About Grace paints a compelling picture of forgiveness with no strings attached.

David’s Prayer of Repentance

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Psalm 51:1-6 ESV

David’s prayer reminds us that repentance is possible when we:

recognize that we are born in sin, unable to repent from the heart without God’s intervention
surrender to God’s mercy – meaning – we are pleading for something we don’t deserve
accept God’s transformative power, making us more like Him

Repentance is not a burden but a pathway to renewal. When we turn to God with honesty, He meets us with mercy that restores and joy that heals. His grace accomplishes what our strength never could, opening the way to reconciliation that brings lasting peace and hope. Is there a place in your life where you long for His cleansing touch, so reconciliation can bring peace and freedom once more?

5 Tips For Finding A Counselor You Can Trust

November 16, 2025 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

A Christian guide to choosing a trustworthy counselor—emotionally safe, spiritually aligned, and relationally honest.

Healthy trust in a counselor is the same as any other relationship, whether family, friends, co-workers, or God. The best trust starts slowly and builds slowly. God is perfect, but He chooses to use imperfect counselors to bring healing through consistent safety, honest connection, and shared pursuit of truth.

You know something’s not right. You’ve carried the ache long enough to realize it won’t go away on its own. You’ve talked to friends, prayed, journaled, but it didn’t quench your thirst—the weight remains. You’re not just curious about counseling. You’re hungry for it. And yet, something holds you back.

Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s disappointment. Maybe it’s the haunting question: What if I open up and nothing happens or I get hurt again?

If that’s you, this message is for you.

You’re Not Just Curious—You’re Cautiously Hopeful

You’re not in full-blown crisis, but you know one is coming if nothing changes. You’ve tasted the loneliness of not belonging. You’ve felt the sting of being misunderstood. You’ve wondered if your hunger for connection is wrong—or worse, unworthy of being met.

You’re like someone who smells food but is afraid to eat. You’re hungry, but unsure if the food is safe—or if you’re even allowed to eat. What if it’s poisoned? What if you’re not allowed to have it? What if asking for help means you’re weak?

But still, you hope. You’re exploring. You’re wondering if maybe, just maybe, there’s a counselor out there who could be safe.

What You Long For

You want relief from the emotional pain of isolation, low self-worth, and not belonging. You want to know you matter. That you’re not invisible. That someone sees you and says, “You belong here.”

Trusting a counselor means believing that nourishment is possible. It means believing that God can use human connection to deliver His comfort. That someone can sit with you in your pain and not flinch. That you can open up and not be rejected. That healing is not just for other people—it’s for you, too.

And spiritually? It means seeing God more clearly. Trusting Him more deeply. Believing that the God who sees your wounds also sends people to help bind them.

Why It’s So Hard

You’ve been disappointed before. Maybe burned. Maybe by a counselor. Maybe by a pastor. Maybe by someone who said they cared but didn’t stay. You’ve learned to be cautious. You’ve learned to survive on your own.

You might feel like you’re allergic to the kind of help people offer. You’ve tried to digest what others offer, but it never sits right. You’re left feeling unseen—too much, too different, or too complicated. You’ve tried to belong, but it always felt like you had to contort yourself to fit in. And that’s exhausting.

Worse, you might wonder if God has forgotten you. If He’s building a family of believers, why do you feel like the one left out?

What’s at Stake

If you don’t find a trustworthy counselor—or at least try—the isolation can deepen. The lies grow louder: You’re not worth it. You’re alone. Even God doesn’t care.

At best, you live with a quiet ache. At worst, despair takes over. You may still affirm your trust in God—but emotionally, you’re just surviving. Waiting for heaven to make things right.

But what if healing could begin now?

What Healing Can Look Like

A trustworthy counselor is more than a professional—they’re a living reminder that God hasn’t given up on you. They stand in the gap, helping you receive what God wants to give: comfort, clarity, connection. They don’t replace God—they help you reposition your heart to receive from Him.

When you trust a counselor, you’re not just trusting a person. You’re learning to trust again. To trust God. To receive again. To believe that you’re not too much—and never alone.

And as you heal, you’ll find strength to give back. To love others. To live with purpose. To praise the God who never stopped pursuing you.

Why You Can Trust Me

I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t belong. My personal counseling helped me see I have value. Encouragement from others helped me believe I have purpose. That God loves me.

Now, I want to be that kind of presence for others—a mediator who understands pain and helps people connect with God.

How to Start: A Gentle Guide to Choosing a Counselor

Know your worldview. What are your convictions and beliefs? Look for a counselor who aligns with them.
Know what kind of therapy works for you. Talk therapy, EMDR, spiritual direction, biblical counseling—make sure your counselor is trained in what you need.
Look for honesty and humility. A trustworthy counselor admits mistakes, speaks truth even when it’s hard, and listens deeply.
Notice how they treat you. Do you feel warmth? Do you sense they genuinely like you?
Trust your gut. If something feels off, bring it up. It might be part of your healing. But if the discomfort persists and speaking directly about it does not create new positive movement, it’s okay to find someone else.

Remember, counseling is a relationship. You’re allowed to ask questions, express discomfort, and seek a fit that honors your story. Discomfort doesn’t always signal danger—it may be the gentle ache of growth, the stretching of truth into wounded places. To heal, to be aligned with the truth, will be uncomfortable and even painful, but a hopeful stirring up of what aches.

In your first sessions, ask your counselor about their worldview and approach. For example, as a counselor I would say: “I believe the Bible is God’s truth, and counseling is about experiencing emotional healing by aligning with that truth.” Then ask yourself: Does this approach help me grow?

Read their informed consent document. Ask questions. Go at your own pace. If you’re feeling especially vulnerable, say so. A good counselor will honor that.

You’re Not Alone

If you’re ready to take the next step, here are a few places to start:

You don’t have to carry this alone. Healing is not a solo journey—it’s God’s sacred invitation to experience His glorious truth through relationship. There is help. There is hope. And there are people—counselors, yes, but also brothers and sisters in Christ—who want to walk with you toward healing.

Learn More

5 Ideas for Supercharging Therapy
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Fear of God: Repulsion, Rejection, or Respect?

October 20, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Some people are repelled by good and instead attracted to evil. They fear good but are curious about evil. How can good seem shallow while evil feels endlessly deep? Why does holiness feel like a closed door, while darkness feels like a labyrinth of possibility?

People get this backwards because of deception. Evil powers work tirelessly to convince us that God is the villain and everything else is freedom. Is God the “bad guy” or the “good guy” in your life? Do you fear Him out of repulsion, anticipated rejection, or respect?

Unhealthy Fear: Being Repelled by a False Understanding of God

What will heaven be like? Will it be boring? Goodness can appear dull or simplistic. Who wants to explore the same question that always has the same “right” answer? But this is a caricature. God made us to crave the depths of His infinite goodness. Evil, however, has done well selling the lie that God is either boring or impossibly complex.

When good seems boring and evil seems exciting, we’re in dangerous territory. It’s possible to be so disappointed with goodness that evil becomes fascinating. Horror movies, for example, thrive on this dynamic. They offer a thrill—a controlled descent into fear. But obsession with fear is never neutral. It conditions the soul to seek adrenaline over peace, chaos over clarity.

Why is fear so attractive? Because it feels powerful. It awakens something primal. It offers a counterfeit depth—a sense of mystery, danger, and intensity. But this depth is hollow. It doesn’t lead to truth; it leads to fragmentation. The more we indulge in fear for entertainment or escape, the more we normalize spiritual distortion.

Halloween can be a harmless celebration of costumes and candy. But for the careless, it can become an invitation to journey further into darkness, unaware of the spiritual danger ahead. The thrill of being scared—You nearly scared me to death!—connects us with our deepest fears before we’ve had time to discern the threat. Our bodies react instinctively, even when the danger is fictional.

But what happens when fear becomes a lifestyle? Whatever we focus on is where we’re heading. If we’re obsessed with fear, how will that ever end well? Excessive fascination with anything other than God is, essentially, an addiction. Fear becomes a false god—one that demands attention, feeds anxiety, and distorts reality.

I don’t blame anyone. We’re all looking for a way out of suffering. But in our desperation, let’s look to what brings life.

Have you ever been “scared to life”? It’s the opposite of being fascinated by evil. One day you realize your focus is leading you over a cliff, and you finally feel appropriately scared. You want to turn around and run the other direction.

That’s awesome! But if you run recklessly in any direction, you’ll eventually come to another cliff. The goal isn’t just to flee fear—it’s to reorient toward truth. Healthy fear doesn’t just warn us; it redirects us toward wisdom.

Unhealthy Fear: Anticipating Rejection from God

Another unhealthy caricature of God is seeing Him as an impossible-to-please master. Some people believe they’re one mistake away from being cast out of His presence. This fear isn’t reverence—it’s dread rooted in shame. It’s the fear of being judged and discarded, not the fear of being lovingly corrected.

This kind of fear leads to spiritual paralysis. Instead of drawing near to God, we hide. We perform. We try to earn what was never meant to be earned. But God’s love is not fragile. His grace is not conditional. He disciplines those He loves, but He does not abandon them.

When we anticipate rejection, we stop trusting. We start managing God instead of worshiping Him. We see ourselves as spiritual orphans, always wondering if we’re still welcome. But Scripture tells us that perfect love casts out fear—not the fear of reverence, but the fear of punishment (1 John 4:18-19).

Healthy Fear: Respecting Reality

A healthy fear of a deadly weapon, such as a gun, keeps you alive. Without fear, you might mishandle it. With hysterical fear, you might freeze or panic. But with respectful fear, you stay alert, careful, and wise.

Healthy fear has nothing to do with anxiety or worry. It’s not about being afraid of God’s mood swings. It’s about recognizing that God is holy, sovereign, and just—and that dependence on Him is the only way to live.

Don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
Matthew 10:28 NLT

This fear is not terror—it’s awe. It’s the trembling joy of standing before the One who holds all things together. It’s the humility of knowing we are not in control, and the peace of knowing He is.

Healthy fear leads to intimacy, not avoidance. It draws us into worship, not performance. It anchors us in reality, not illusion. And most importantly, it teaches us that the deepest mystery is not found in darkness—but in the radiant holiness of God.

Learn More

Learn more about trusting God instead of worrying.

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Last Updated 20251109

Restoration After Wreckage

January 11, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

God doesn’t discard the broken—He restores them. Discover how grief enables restoration and opens the door to healing, hope, and renewal.

When trauma strikes and you are feeling raw, remember how God works: Restoration After Wreckage. R.A.W. isn’t just a process. It’s a posture of honesty before God, where grief makes room for healing.

When a tree is struck by lightning, it doesn’t heal overnight. When a wound festers, it needs cleansing before it can close. When something breaks, we face a choice: Can it be restored? Is there hope? Or is it time to let go?

If nothing will ever change, then hope becomes impossible. And when hope disappears, suffering becomes perpetual. Without the possibility of renewal, we begin to believe that pain is permanent and healing is out of reach.

Restoration is not Repurposing

We can let go of an old appliance, sending it to be recycled—ground down into its basic elements. It may become something new, but it will never be what it was. Human bodies are like appliances. They return to the earth. But the human spirit is different. It cannot be recycled. God does not reduce it to parts to make something unrelated. That would destroy His masterpiece.

To revive a person, God doesn’t just repurpose her—He restores her. He upgrades her into a new creation, not by grinding her down, but by breathing life into what was broken.

I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?
I have put roads in deserts, streams in thirsty lands.
Isaiah 43:19 CEV

Because God is making us anew, hope is perpetual. You can change. You don’t have to remain stuck. God is not just patching you up—He’s rehabilitating you. He wants you to feel hopeful again. He wants you to know that your story isn’t over, and your pain isn’t wasted.

Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person.
The past is forgotten, and everything is new.
2 Corinthians 5:17 CEV

Restoration Honors the Past

The more you can leave behind your past, the better you will be. But “Leave behind” is often misunderstood. The past is your history—it’s part of you now. Erasing it is impossible and ignoring it is foolish. It must be redeemed.

Redemption requires significantly more emotional work than avoidance. It’s sacred work. It’s not about forgetting—it’s about releasing what didn’t go as you hoped and embracing what God is teaching you through it.

To move forward, you must first honor what’s behind. This can feel like two steps backward before three steps forward. It may feel counterintuitive, but healing often begins by revisiting the places we’ve tried to avoid. God meets us there—not to shame us, but to restore us.

Gardening is tough to do well. If you are like me, it’s easy to neglect controlling the weeds, diseases, and bugs. But this means some good plants die prematurely. When they die, they must be removed, so there is room to try again. Clearing space is painful, but it’s also hopeful. It means you’re preparing for something new to grow.

Grieving Enables Restoration

Grieving is the work of making space for new life. It’s not a detour—it’s the path forward.

You don’t dispose of the lessons. You learn from them.
You don’t forget what happened. You disinfect the shame and the fear.
You don’t condemn yourself. You embrace the grace.
You don’t live in despair. You live with hope everlasting.
You don’t stay stuck. You step into freedom.

Grieving allows you to carry wisdom without carrying weight. You can let go of what you lost because God is making you new. He has set you free by His mercy and grace. And once you’re free, you’re open to all that God has for you.

After grieving, you can forget the past—not by erasing it, but by releasing its power over you.

Forget what happened long ago! Don’t think about the past.
Isaiah 43:18 CEV

What is one new thing you want God to do in your life this year?

What events has God brought you through?

What wisdom did you gain from what you’ve been through?

What weight can you now let go, so you can move on?

Learn more about healthy grieving.
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Last updated 20251012

Trust Is Superior To Knowledge

September 22, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

If we waited until we knew God completely before trusting Him, we’d wait forever. Even in heaven, we won’t exhaust the depths of who He is. Trust is not the reward for perfect understanding—it’s the posture of a person who knows he is loved.

This truth reshapes how we live today. We don’t need omniscience to walk in peace. We need confidence in the One who knows all things.

Knowing Everything Is Impossible

Sometimes I imagine life would be easier if I just knew everything. If I had all the answers, maybe I’d feel more secure. But the pursuit of exhaustive knowledge can become a trap—an endless loop of analysis that never leads to rest.

Explanations can be helpful, but they’re not always necessary. If you don’t need to know something to live a content, productive, and faithful life, then maybe it’s not yours to carry.

Wisdom begins with knowing God, but it doesn’t end with knowing all the answers. You can be wise and still be learning. In fact, it’s the fool who believes he’s finished learning (see Proverbs 10:14; 12:15).

To the one who thinks he has everything, what motive is there to act?
To the one who thinks he is well, what motive is there to seek a doctor?
To the one who thinks he knows everything, what motive is there to seek wisdom?

To be God is to have more to reveal.
To be human is to receive what He reveals—and respond with trust.

Consider these different translations of Proverbs 25:2:

It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out.

It is God’s privilege to conceal things and the king’s privilege to discover them.

God is praised for being mysterious; rulers are praised for explaining mysteries.

We honor God for what he conceals; we honor kings for what they explain.
Proverbs 25:2 ESV, NLT, CEV, GNT

God’s mystery isn’t a barrier—it’s an invitation. He conceals not to frustrate, but to draw us deeper. Our glory is not in mastering Him, but in seeking Him.

Faith Makes Trusting God Possible

Faith is not blind—it’s relational. It bridges the gap between knowing facts about God and knowing God as a person. It’s the shortcut to intimacy.

Knowledge is like a house, but trust makes it a home. Knowledge builds the framework; trust walks across the bridge. We don’t climb to God through facts—we’re carried by faith into His presence.

The framework alone is incomplete. Trust is the bridge that leads to communion—where we don’t just observe God’s truth, we abide in His love.

You can study theology for decades and still miss the heart of God. But one moment of living faith can lead to surrender and bring you into communion with Him. In that communion, Christian concepts are no longer just ideas; they become living, nourishing truths.

The road of factual knowledge alone doesn’t lead to love. Faith is the only way to experience the depth of God’s love.

Knowledge Puffs Up, But Love Builds Trust

There’s a tension here: we’re invited to seek God, to pursue wisdom, to ask questions. But we’re also called to rest in Him, even when the answers don’t come.

You can enjoy the pursuit of God and all His mysteries. But don’t let the unknowns rob you of joy in the present moment.

You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13 ESV

Finding God doesn’t mean finding all the answers. It means finding His loving arms. When you’re secure in His love, many of the details lose their urgency.

When you trust God to guide you, you don’t have to obsess over the condition or direction of the road.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5–6 ESV

What Is the Condition of Your Road?

Maybe your road feels uncertain. Maybe it’s steep, winding, or shrouded in fog. But that doesn’t mean you have to be afraid. Ask God for His touch, His love. Ask Him for wisdom. Then trust Him with whatever road lies before you—because faith and trust flourish not in worldly facts, but in the presence of God’s mystery and love.

What mystery are you facing today?
Don’t wait for perfect clarity. Ask for perfect love.
And let trust carry you forward.

What part of your journey feels foggy right now? Write down what you wish you understood—and then ask God what He’s inviting you to trust.

Learn more about trusting God.
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Last updated 20250914.

The Importance of Self-Care

November 18, 2010 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

How do you know when you are lacking in self-care? When you are in a state of Dis-Ease. How can you move from disease to ease?

Consequences of Poor Self-Care

A major effect of poor self-care is losing awareness of what you are feeling, usually before it is too late. When you are tired, hungry, overly stressed out, or in bad physical shape, you may be more emotionally reactive. For example, think about a time when you were feeling overwhelmed with your circumstances. Was harder for you to manage your emotions? Did you snap at people who did not deserve it? Did you start crying for no apparent reason? Were you overly anxious and not sure why?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you likely were so disconnected from your feelings, that you reacted more strongly to a situation that warranted. This results in feeling confused by your display of emotion. Having poor self-care habits will interfere with responding to a situation in an appropriate manner.

The following is a partial list of symptoms to help you identify if you need better self-care:

Diminished concentration
Confusion
Questioning the meaning of life
Questioning prior convictions
Apathy
Rigidity
Self-doubt
Memory problems
Powerlessness – helplessness
Shutting down – numbness
Hypersensitivity
Sleep disturbances
Appetite changes
Negative coping (alcohol, drug, or other substance misuses)
Increased conflict
Difficulty breathing
Twitches
Chest pain
Headaches

Greater Awareness – The First Step to Better Self-Care

What is the opposite of self-care? Self-injury. We can harm ourselves by either staying in harm’s way (enduring abuse) or staying away from loving care (enduring neglect). Sometimes we don’t have a choice. We must complete a task – or – we are too young or weak to escape. How do we survive when faced with ongoing harm? If we must walk through harm’s way long enough, we will desensitize ourselves. We will ignore or forget about the pain and symptoms.

As adults, we usually have a choice. Why do so many forgo self-care? It is simply a matter of priorities. We can say we are committed to our ideals, but our true priorities are revealed by what we do. There is a tradeoff between speed and efficiency, accomplishment, and longevity. We can accomplish a lot more (in the moment) when we are disconnected from our feelings. But, long-term our bodies will deteriorate and chances are, we will die sooner.

Better self-care starts with a better awareness of our bodies. We’ve all been to the doctor for a check-up. When was the last time you did a self check-in? A check-in is simply sitting quietly to sense what is happening in your body and reconnect what has become disconnected. Ask yourself the following. What am I feeling in my body? Where am I feeling it? Why might I be feeling it this way? Consider these three areas:

Sleep: do I feel exhausted or rested and refreshed?
Food: do I feel weak and lethargic or strong and energetic?
Maintenance: am I in pain and carrying tension (disease) or am I relaxed and at ease?

Many people think of self-care as a luxury when God intended us to always care for ourselves. Chronic denial of self-care is an indication of a deeper issue. At New Reflections Counseling, we provide a safe place for you to “tune-in” and understand what is happening. If you want help with self-care, contact us at New Reflections Counseling. If it is okay to go to the gym or doctor for physical health, then it is okay to go to a counselor for your emotional health.

Reflections

On an airplane, an oxygen mask descends in front of you. What do you do? As we all know, the first rule is to put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. Only when we first help ourselves can we effectively help others. Caring for yourself is one of the most important—and one of the most often forgotten—things you can do as a caregiver. When your needs are taken care of, the person you care for will benefit, too.

What is your oxygen mask? What will help you breathe easier? What actions do you need to take for better health?

Resources

Luke 10:27
And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Supercharge Your Living With A Prayer Journal

January 17, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

A healthy prayer life allows you to connect with God so you can receive the spiritual nutrition you crave. In a world that drains your energy, God’s living water is essential.

“but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
John 4:14 ESV

God’s well never runs dry. But as your imperfect body ages, it wears out. Hearing from God always refreshes your spirit and boosts your energy levels. Even Jesus, being human, relied on prayer.

…the report of [Jesus’s] power spread even faster, and vast crowds came to hear him preach and to be healed of their diseases. But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer.
Luke 5:15-16 NLT

Have you heard the saying, “It’s not the years, it’s the mileage?” When you abuse or misuse your body, it’s going to wear out faster. If you take care of your belongings, they usually last longer.

If you have a new car, it becomes used the moment you drive it off the lot. From then on you have to perform regular maintenance to keep it from breaking down prematurely.

Balance Supercharges Your Life

Without maintenance, your car’s tires don’t wear evenly. Your steering becomes misaligned. Small errors become significantly larger if given enough time. The same is true for your spiritual life.

A life out of balance will usually function less efficiently than one in balance. Imagine if you exercised your left leg ten times as much as your right leg. You would probably be better off if you hadn’t exercised at all. That’s fairly easy to see. But the same is true for the broad functional areas of your life as well. If you keep yourself mentally fit but ignore your physical and emotional health, you’re going to suffer.

Here is a basic list of areas to keep in balance.

Career
Physical Health
Emotional Health
Finances
Recreation
Spiritual Growth
Romantic Relationship
Family
Friends
Church
Rest
Creative Work
Service to Others
Adventure

The list isn’t comprehensive and isn’t in any particular order, so you can add, remove, or prioritize areas to fit your lifestyle. Focusing on one area at a time can be beneficial. If you identify an area of weakness, you can bring it up to par with the other areas. The categories above are broad, so you can add more detailed areas if you want. For example, for career, you could add specific disciplines that will help make your work healthier.

Prayer Supercharges Your Life

A prayer journal is a written record of your prayer requests and answers. A life balance worksheet helps you evaluate and improve the quality of your living. When you put the two together, you get a comprehensive prayer plan.

What if you rated each of your life balance areas on a regular basis? When I do that, it helps me see where I need to focus. On a scale of 0 to 10, how are you doing in each area? But you don’t have to stop there.

What if for each area you wrote out what is going well and what needs improvement? It’s easier for me to dwell on the negatives, so this helps me be thankful for the positives. But you don’t have to stop there.

What if you wrote a short prayer for each area? Thank God for what is going well and petition Him in areas that need improvement. That’s one way you can perform regular spiritual maintenance.

If you haven’t figured it out already, this is a great tool to use when you feel discouraged, directionless, or disconnected. When you feel a strong negative emotion, chances are, someone area of your life is out of balance.

The Best Way To Receive Love

May 24, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

Love is a two-way street. Both the person offering love and the person receiving love must be willing participants.

What happens if you pour water into a cup with holes and take a drink? You’ll probably end up with more water on the outside of your body than on the inside. If your goal is to cool off, a cup with holes is okay. But if you’re thirsty, such a cup doesn’t work well.

Having a negative self-worth is like having holes in your cup. God can pour all of His love into you, but if you ignore, reject, or lack the ability to hold onto it, you won’t feel love for very long.

Everybody has holes in their cup. That’s a consequence of living in a fallen world. Even with the holes, there is hope.

Jesus said we shouldn’t put new wine into old wineskins. Why did He say this?

Now John’s disciples and the Pharisees were fasting. Some people came and asked Jesus, “How is it that John’s disciples and the disciples of the Pharisees are fasting, but yours are not?” Jesus answered, “How can the guests of the bridegroom fast while he is with them? They cannot, so long as they have him with them. But the time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them, and on that day they will fast.
“No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. Otherwise, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.”
Mark 2:18-22 NIV

Jesus is teaching about compatibility. Sometimes old ways of living are not compatible with new ways. The new wine needs to breathe, so it needs a wineskin that can expand. Old wineskins are less flexible than new ones. Your old way of living, your flesh, is not compatible with your new way of living in the Spirit.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
Galatians 5:16-17 ESV

The old ways lead to death, but the new ways lead to life.

Receive Love With A New Heart

God gives a new heart to all believers.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 36:26 NIV

A heart of stone cannot receive God’s love. There’s no way to grow spiritually if you cannot receive His love. So God gives you a new heart that can receive His Spirit. With your new heart, you can enjoy spiritual growth.

Receive Love By Finding Leaks

Your new heart is all you need, but your old heart lives on in this life. If you can understand how your old heart is broken, you can minimize your losses.

The Spirit and flesh are at odds with each other. The lies you believe about yourself drain your self-worth. There’s a battle going on inside of you. Do you trust your old heart or your new heart?

The fleshly heart bears a wound. Nothing much can be done about it. The flesh wants to resist and complain. Everyone who feels miserable and hopeless is going to oppose God.

Fortunately for those of us with new hearts, we can choose to focus on the Spirit. We can experience peace and hope. Shift your focus today to your new heart. It’s as real as your old heart. It’s going to last forever while your flesh is already dying and actually already dead (Galatians 5:24). Hold open your new heart so you can catch God’s love. Allow this connection with God to be more important than the messages you receive from your old heart.

If you struggle with understanding how to do this, seek out a Christian counselor or other trusted person to help you.

Experiencing God

December 18, 2010 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Experiencing God Meeting Your Needs

God made us to have needs. How do you respond when God appears out of reach? It cuts to the core. It’s easy to respond negatively. What’s really going on here?

The Fox and the Grapes

A famished fox saw a cluster of ripe grapes hanging from a trellised vine. She resorted to all her tricks to get at them, but wearied herself in vain, for she could not reach them. At last she turned away, hiding her disappointment and saying: “The Grapes are sour, and not ripe as I thought.”

Wanting Something But Cannot Get It

Has this ever happened to you? You want something, but you cannot get it, and so you despise it? It is easy to despise what you cannot get. Then there is cognitive dissonance – wanting something, but not wanting it. What is cognitive dissonance? It’s a tension. When we are frustrated it is tempting to take an easy way out. It is the place where you reach where you hold seemingly contradictory thoughts at the same time. It is a place of confusion – uncertainty. When you find yourself frozen in your tracks and unable to make a decision, you might be experiencing C.D. Why else would you feel that way? That’s got to be tough – to want something so badly, but realize it’s beyond your grasp. The easy way out is to pretend you never needed in the first place.

More than Grapes

This applies to dating, and a whole lot of other things too. It applies to our hopes and dreams. It applies to our efforts. It applies to our self-worth. How? When we want something, but cannot attain it, it is certainly frustrating! Frustration combined with some unhealthy thinking leads to turning the frustration inward – taking it out on yourself. And wah-la — you are not just despising what you cannot get, you are despising yourself because you cannot get what you want. “I guess I didn’t deserve that anyway” or “I guess God doesn’t want me to have that” or “That must have been a bad thing for me because God isn’t allowing me to have it” “The grapes are sour anyway – I know it”.

Alternatives to Sour Grapes

Are there alternatives? You can get a ladder. Get some help! Are the grapes worth getting or not? Is the land flowing with milk and honey worth it or not? Or “is the land full of giants?” The land is spoiled. Unattainable. God won’t be with us. He doesn’t want the best for us. We are like grasshoppers. We can’t do it. I didn’t want it anyway. I am not worthy of such good grapes. I’ll take the sure bet – what I can achieve on my own.

What else can you do? You can look for lower hanging grapes. The grapes aren’t sour, they are presently out of reach. You can get them eventually. Don’t give up. Be patient. Be persistant. Be determined. Buy time. Don’t take your eye off the prize.

Reflections

Ask yourself – how does the fox feel about himself when he cannot get he grapes? Can he feel very good if he “curses” the grapes? What are the grapes in your life? Would you like some help to reach your grapes? I love helping people reach their grapes through focused determination and insights that help them see themselves as God sees them, and help people see God as he really is – a grape provider. Or, as we are sheep, God is a grass provider.

Resources

Numbers 13:32-33

And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 23:1

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.

Read on Bible Gateway

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying.

Experience can clash with expectations, as, for example, with buyer’s remorse following the purchase of an expensive item. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.

Worry Less Trust More

April 25, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

Worry and anxiety are pretty much the same. Spiritually speaking, they both are rooted in fear which is essentially an inability to trust God no matter what.

Life brings many situations that challenge our ability to trust God. What can you do to worry less and trust more?

Worry Less By Focusing On The Present Moment

When you worry, you are looking too far ahead into the future. All of us would like to know the future. But it can interfere with your faith. If you could only have one or the other, God would always prefer you maintain your faith (your trust) in Him instead of knowing anything about the future.

How far into the future is too far to be looking? For some people or in some situations looking 100 years might be too far. But others can stir up anxiety even by looking 100 seconds. Where you focus is more important than how far ahead you look. If you try to find security somewhere out into the future, you will never find it because you will miss that God is with you in the present.

If you want to worry less, then reduce how far you are looking ahead until you reclaim a sense of peace. Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow (the future). Each day (the present) has enough to occupy you. If even the events of later in the day concern you, focus on the present moment. At this very second, there’s not a whole lot to be concerned about. Take one day (one moment, one second) at a time.

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:27,34 NIV

If you find yourself saying, “yes, but…” about something that’s going to be happening or needs to happen, then you’ve already shifted your focus away from the present and onto a future moment. If you want to experience peace instead of stress, stop and recenter yourself back to the present.

Worry Less By Surrendering All Outcomes to God

You might be having an awesome day and find it easy to trust God. You might be having a horrible day, month, or year but God would have you trust Him the same. Nothing should come between you and God. Bad luck? Nope. Evil? Nope. Disease? Nope. Your health? Nope. Your very life? Nope. See Romans 8:31-39 for more on this.

It’s easy to value your life more than God. If you suffer a serious illness, your very existence is threatened. Or is it? It really depends upon your perspective. As a believer, you’re going to live forever. Do you allow God to determine how long you will live in this life? Or are you wringing your hands trying to figure out how to squeeze another hour out of it?

It’s easy to care about what happens in this life because it’s all we know. Or is it? As a believer, you have the Holy Spirit. So you have a taste of heaven today. Right now you can sense the goodness of heavenly living.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

Do what is reasonable for each day to move your life forward. Leave the rest up to God (by praying and letting it go). If you find yourself panicking because of one thing or another, stop trying to be God: reduce what is on your plate. You weren’t meant to save the world. God sent Jesus for that!

Read more about trusting God.
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How To Ensure Your Empathy Is Healthy

November 7, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 5 Comments

Have you ever taken on someone’s pain as if it were your own? How about feeling the same way someone else is feeling? Only one of those is healthy empathy.

The primary difference between healthy and unhealthy empathy depends on how much self-awareness you have.

While listening to someone, the more you lose touch with your opinions, desires, and needs, the more likely you have an undeveloped sense of self. Some people might object by pointing out that good, empathetic listening means the listener forgets about their perspective. That is true. But it must remain a choice to de-emphasis one’s desires in favor of another’s. The unhealthy alternative is to default to what another wants because you have no idea what you want, or worse, you avoid exploring what you want.

The choice to focus on another must be positive. If you focus on another but harbor resentment or build up irritation, your empathy probably isn’t healthy. If you feel empty inside and have never really taken the time to understand your needs, your empathy probably isn’t healthy.

If you focus on another, feel pain, and think it is their pain, you might be deceiving yourself. Without a developed sense of your identity, it’s easy to become confused about whose pain you are feeling. In reality, any pain you feel is your own.

Identity Guides You To Healthy Empathy

Whenever you are relating to another, keep one foot planted firmly in who you are and the other reaching out to the person who needs help. It can be difficult to do this perfectly, so you might temporarily (for a few minutes) lose touch with your identity. When you become confused by taking on other’s pain as if it were yours, ask yourself questions like:

Who am I?
How do I feel about what the other person is going through?
What part of my life reminds me of the other person’s pain? Often, you can be focused on another person’s pain, but are really feeling pain from your own life.
How have the difficult life situations I’ve been through taught me to surrender (or perhaps “forget”) who I am when I’m around other people?
What are my limits when it comes to experiencing someone else’s raw pain?

If you lose yourself while focusing on someone else, then you are already past your limit. When you reach your limit, you should excuse yourself from the conversation until you regain your strength (your sense of self).

When you take on another’s pain, it probably means you are needing self-care or someone to care for you. If you continue to help another person without a sense of who you are, you are leaving yourself in a state of self-abuse, and you won’t be much help to someone like that. It doesn’t work to abandon yourself in order to help someone else.

Ownership and Responsibility Guide You To Healthy Empathy

Women are usually better at empathizing with others, but healthy is healthy. Everyone needs to be fully willing to feel and respond to their own pain.

Consider a wife who is listening to her husband. No matter how much she cares and wants to help him with his pain, she can’t work through his pain for him. It’s his pain. Only he can do something about it. She can help by listening, but his pain is still his responsibility. In this sense, the pain only multiplies. If her husband chooses to deny or disown some of his pain, his wife can’t make the situation better by taking on more pain. The increased pain she might feel doesn’t directly reduce her husband’s pain.

Self-Care Guides You To Healthy Empathy

If after you’ve been listening to someone, you notice that you have lingering pain, realize it’s your pain, not the other’s pain. You have some issues to work through, so it’s time to focus exclusively on yourself. If you lose touch with yourself while trying to be empathetic, you should be able to get back to yourself in minutes, not days or weeks.

To help you connect with yourself, you might try journaling your feelings and answering questions like the ones listed earlier and these:

What do I need to help the pain in my life?
Who do I have to listen to me?

Healthy empathy is knowing what it feels like to walk in someone’s shoes and communicating it to them without judging them. Unhealthy empathy would be wearing someone else’s shoes and thinking that they are your shoes.

God Is The Only Place Of Safety

March 8, 2015 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

How do you define safety? What is a safe place for you? A safe place has some element of predictability and consistency.

What do the following have in common?

Trying to squeeze water from a rock
Expecting a promotion but instead getting fired
Laying down to go to sleep only to hear loud music
Taking a drink anticipating water and getting vinegar instead

These all have something to do with expectations. Specifically, misplaced confidence in life situations that can never be fully reliable. But we all desire to find a source that satisfies our deepest longings. This can lead to a lot of frustration. If you are frustrated, this means you are moving in the right direction. Frustrated people are tired of what doesn’t work. They are ready for the true solution.

Our desire for love can drive us to rationalize just about any behavior. If we can’t find love the way we want it, it’s easy to turn to imitations like drugs, achievements, sex, food, or entertainment. As intolerable as being unloved is, if we lose sight of where love comes from, we will ultimately destroy our relationships.

While in the right context, none of those “imitations” are bad, they also can’t come close to the kind of safety that God provides. God made us to experience love. So when we don’t experience it, our suffering is genuine because we know something is deeply wrong. We get frustrated but we shouldn’t give up. We need to keep crying out for love, otherwise, we won’t be ready to receive it.

We can submit and surrender ourselves to anything, treating it as a source. Some sources are life-giving and some are life-stealing. Most of our sources will fail us in one way or another. They may be excellent sources with natural limits, or they may be horrible substitutes for the fullness of life. God is the only true and trustworthy source that will never run out or fail us.

There are no guarantees in life… except… God. All else might fail you, but God won’t ever fail you. This doesn’t mean that you won’t experience disappointment. God might not live up to your expectations, but because God doesn’t change, He is always reliable.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
Psalm 18:2 NLT

God Provides Safety Because He Protects

There might be moments when you don’t feel protected. Bad things happen. But God’s overall plan is to preserve you by saving you out of a position of defeat.

For the Lord your God is going with you! He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!
Deuteronomy 20:4 NLT

God’s plan for you is victory.

God Provides Safety Because He is Powerful

There might be moments when you feel weak. Some things are impossible for you. But what is impossible for you is possible for God (if He wants it to happen). If you need saving, or whatever you need, God has the power to do it (Luke 18:27).

God Provides Safety Because He is Merciful

God isn’t waiting for your first mistake so He can unleash His wrath. His wrath is reserved for His enemies. If you are a believer, then you are no longer an enemy but you are a friend of God (Romans 5:10). God is the epitome of safety because He is patient with us.

But you, the Lord God,
are kind and merciful.
You don’t easily get angry,
and your love
can always be trusted.
Psalm 86:15 CEV

If you are feeling unsafe and you can’t trust God, that could be because your expectations are at odds with God. You want to go left and God steers your life to the right. You want to go up and God steers your life down. This process is needed to remove all reliance on everything but God. You will discover that the direction life takes is the right one, when God is with you on the journey. As you increase your reliance on God, you will experience God’s safety.

If you are struggling in your marriage, could you be expecting your partner to be your source instead of God? Are you trying to be self-sufficient instead of abiding in Jesus?

If you feel let down by how your life has played out, could you be desiring fulfillment in this life apart from God? God is the ultimate source of fulfillment.

Look at what has been happening in your life recently. Do you see any indications of God leading you? If the journey has been unpleasant, could this be because God wants you to draw hope from Him instead of His creation?

Read more about security.
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Last updated September 4, 2022

The Secret to Finding Rest Amidst Tragedy

February 7, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

Does it make sense to pursue rest when you are flooded with the trauma of betrayal? Experiencing the disloyalty of another person is painful and disorienting, maybe more than any other life event. Is rest even possible given the chaotic disruption to your sense of peaceful well-being?

Have you ever seen a dog chase its tail? So much energy is spent pursuing a goal that remains unattainable. It’s fun to watch unless you’re the one going in circles.

What is the worst traumatic experience you’ve been through? If you can’t think of anything, you are either very lucky or very disconnected from reality. How easy or hard was it for you to rest in the days and weeks after the trauma occurred?

Or maybe you are in the middle of trying to recover from a horrifying event. It has left you locked into an unending sense of discouragement, distress, or despair. Your thoughts speed around a racetrack, circling ever faster but generating only mental exhaustion.

After being traumatized, it is normal to become disillusioned and want to know why life can be so confusing and difficult. Why did that bad thing happen? Why did you make an unhealthy choice? Why does there seem to be no way forward?

Trust to Find Rest

These questions are all signs of life. You are seeking some deeper answer, meaning, or connection with God. There is good news: answers exist that bring hope instead of despair. But the answers usually come in the context of a growing trust in God, rather than an immediate blessing of good fortune and circumstances.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

Don’t try to solve problems that are “beyond your pay grade.” Trusting in God brings instant relief (Isaiah 26:3). Try it. Think of something you are anxious about. Now tell God you trust Him. Even if you have to imagine you are trusting Him, it helps. The burden shifts off your shoulders and onto God’s.

I’m not saying your relief will be complete, instantaneous, and permanent. You can experience an overall peace while simultaneously agonizing and grieving.

When God asks you to trust Him, He means at all times–whether your circumstances are pleasant or heart-breaking. You can experience betrayal and still look to God for security.

God wants us to:

believe He is good while experiencing pain
live in the reality of heaven even while experiencing a cursed earth

How you experience life depends on how you prioritize your perspective. Are you focused on your pain or on your God? Are you caught in a loop of trying to escape something you cannot change? Are you caught believing a temporary circumstance is permanent? If so, I have a prayer for you.

Pray to Find Rest

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.
Reinhold Niebuhr

This prayer is profound. It shares a lot in common with Proverbs 3. Most people stop with the first sentence. But the second sentence contains the secret to finding rest: acceptance and trust. What are some ways you can adjust your expectations of life, creating some space for you to rest in God’s understanding?

Be patient with yourself as you work through betrayal and learn to trust. You can’t heal in isolation. You need to know someone is hearing your pain.

Read about living free of worry.
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Complete Character, Confidence, and Commitment

June 7, 2020 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Journeying through life without character is like navigating a boat without a rudder. You are moving but direction and destination will be determined by the current. Character results from the convictions of the truth that you have learned. If you haven’t learned well you will lack wisdom. Wisdom provides the opportunity to steer. Wisdom provides sure footing.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there.” If you’re not aware of your heart motives, you likely feel lost and confused. Life is the journey of making discoveries about who God is and who you are. The more you know who you are, the more responsible you are for your actions.

Priorities Reveal Character

Taking a look at how you spend your time will reveal your commitments. But there is even more you can find if you look deeper. How do you feel about your priorities? Prideful? Fearful? Content? Do they align with your character?

Even more interesting than your feelings is contemplating why. Why are you focused on certain things over others? Your commitment reveals your values but your values reveal your deepest longings, the motivations of your heart.

For your heart will always pursue what you value as your treasure.
Matthew 6:21 TPT

What do you treasure the most based on your priorities? While there may be some changes you will want to make, you might also discover some positives. Your priorities likely align with your personality. God wants you to be able to enjoy life and pursue His priorities.

Building Character is God’s Work in You

God is working to bring you to completion. He created you and He’s working to consummate His work. To do this, He builds your character, which builds your confidence. Understanding who you are is a prerequisite to accomplishing His plan for your life.

God is the one who began this good work in you, and I am certain that he won’t stop before it is complete on the day that Christ Jesus returns.
Philippians 1:6 CEV

The more you know who you are, the more you can commit to accomplishing a great work for God. This means increased efficiency in reaching your destination. There will be fewer distractions and second-guessing.

Sowing Character Reaps Spiritual Progress

When you are locked onto a target and committed to seeing God’s priorities through to the end, that’s when you maximize your potential. Maximum potential leads to maximum results (eventually). Whatever you commit yourself to is the exact area in which you will increase, grow, and achieve.

Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant.
Galatians 6:7 NLT

God sending Jesus in human form to sacrifice Himself for our benefit is the ultimate expression of commitment. God proved He is willing to play by the same rules He’s given us. He didn’t take a “short-cut” path to victory. He proved He can walk the talk. He’s better than any of us and therefore makes the perfect example.

What things in life matter most to you? What are you truly committed to? If you don’t like what you discover, if you aren’t committed to the right things, then as you gain a greater understanding of who you are, rededicate your efforts to what matters most.

How are you feeling right now? If you find feelings of inadequacy or guilt because you aren’t doing enough of the right things for God, that’s the wrong direction. I want you to see the power of commitment. I want you to see the strength and peace when you stay focused on the truth. God means for corrections to your travels to be a hopeful experience.

The scenic route isn’t often the easiest route, but it is the most beautiful and it will be the one that will get you to where God wants you to be. Ask God to build your character, then your confidence, and then be prepared to commit to advancing God’s plans.

Learn more about personality and character.
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Last updated 2024/01/28

Should Feelings Be Trusted Or Discounted?

August 31, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Feelings are God-given and helpful. They should always be considered and used to make decisions. But the way they are used makes all the difference. Feelings should always be acted upon, but discernment is necessary to know how to act. Do not ignore feelings, but do not consider them to have absolute authority either.

Impulsivity and Feelings Do Not Mix Well

One way to view feelings is as an impulse. An impulse is feedback gained over a very short period. Therefore, it can be highly unreliable. Doing something on impulse means taking action without first reflecting on its consequences. The result will be extremely variable. They could be disastrous, wonderful, or anywhere in between.

Impulse shopping often leads to buyer’s remorse. We’ve all been there. And there is a place and time to act impulsively–within predetermined limits, acting impulsively is how we have fun. It’s the lack of limitation that creates significant problems.

Imagine feeling incredibly sad, not knowing why, and acting in the first way that comes to mind. Our first instinct will be to act according to our conditioned response (habits). Unfortunately, that action is usually destructive rather than constructive. The result might mean feeling good at first but suffering even more later because of it.

Discernment and Feelings Are a Perfect Match

When should you trust your feelings? When should you not? God gave us feelings for a reason. But it’s up to us to learn how to use them for gain rather than loss.

To use a feeling for good, the first step is to identify what the feeling means. What is the feeling communicating about your condition? For example, if you are feeling sad, stop and figure out why before you act. There can be numerous reasons why you feel sad, each one having its optimal response.

Consider the following reasons and how your optimal response might be different for each one:

A loved one recently died.
You are lonely.
You recently went through a divorce.
Your favorite food is no longer being sold.
You are experiencing a hormonal imbalance.
You didn’t get enough sleep.
You lost a game, event, or race you expected to win.

Much better than returning to your dysfunctional coping of over-eating, you can use discernment to determine the root cause of your sadness.

Feelings Help People Make Better Decisions

It’s possible to experience negative feelings and use them to alter your direction in life. Think of your feelings like your ability to taste or smell. You don’t continue eating if the food tastes bad. But you can be glad you can taste spoiled food and stop eating.

Just because you feel like you want to steal something, doesn’t mean you should. But the urge to steal something should help you learn what you need emotionally. Perhaps you need to ask God for what you need more often.

Always consider how there could be a legitimate way to satisfy your feelings. You might feel hungry for junk food, but how about eating healthy food to satisfy your hunger instead?

Or, you might have a goal to lose weight to be healthy. Without a healthy option, the healthiest thing to do might be to not eat. You’ll feel unsatisfied, but you have a higher purpose in mind: enjoying being in shape.

You might feel angry like you want to get revenge. If you follow through with revenge, you’ll likely only create more problems for yourself and harm others. But feeling angry tells you that some changes are needed. You could recall the saying: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Emotions are an excellent catalyst for learning life lessons. Sometimes this means learning the truth, but at other times this means unlearning what is false.

Emotions are indicators that require interpretation. They aren’t a green light to act inappropriately. If you continue to act spontaneously on your feelings, then you’ll eventually find yourself someplace you’d rather not be. Wouldn’t it be helpful if we could taste the regret before we act?

When you have to make a decision that requires discernment (a decision that isn’t clearly right or wrong), your feelings can act more like faith, intuition, or gut instinct. Thank you God for this gift of discernment. Help us all to grow in wisdom by your Spirit.

Learn about loneliness.
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Last updated August 4, 2024.

9 Experiences That Drain Hope

April 13, 2025 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Are you feeling drained of all hope? Whether it’s a dramatic upheaval or subtle, persistent struggles, the effects can be deeply discouraging. Some traumas are obvious because they are intense–these are called “Big T” traumas. Other traumas are subtle because they are weak but repetitive–these are called “Little T” traumas. Both kinds can produce lasting disabilities, even though they manifest differently.

#1 The Pain of Losing a Parent or Child

Losing a parent or child is one of life’s most challenging moments. When the loss is premature, whether through miscarriage or death of a young child, it can feel particularly tragic. The dreams, hopes, and plans once anchored around loved ones vanish, leaving an indescribable void. Such disorientation can lead to profound questions, like whether life is still worth living. It is heartbreaking to invest so much emotionally in others, only to find them suddenly and completely absent.

#2 The Scars of Betrayal

Betrayal cuts deep across personal and professional realms. Whether it’s a partner who breaks trust, a friend who abandons you, or a coworker who exploits vulnerabilities, the impact lingers. Betrayal creates emotional scars, shaking confidence and leaving individuals hesitant to trust others again. Repeated betrayals magnify trauma and can drain the hope of finding reliable connections.

The worst kind of betrayal results in shock from the sudden exposure of a completely different reality, such as finding out your spouse is cheating on you. However, betrayal can also happen on a micro scale, like when your spouse uses your vulnerabilities against you in an argument. Sometimes, betrayal stems not from active harm but from the absence of good, such as friends abandoning you without any explanation.

#3 Struggles with Financial Hardship

Navigating financial hardship can be exhausting. Searching tirelessly for employment amidst constant rejections or losing a job despite loyalty and hard work can erode self-esteem. Financial insecurity often causes stress and anxiety, affecting relationships and mental health. The seemingly endless cycle of hope and despair can feel suffocating, draining one’s ability to envision a brighter future.

#4 The Impact of Bullying and Isolation

Bullying and isolation leave individuals feeling misunderstood and undervalued. In school, children may face ridicule for their uniqueness–be it external like body image or clothing, or internal, like processing thoughts or emotions differently than others (now popularly referred to as neurodivergence). For example, a child with ADHD may process thoughts differently, which can make them a target for misunderstanding and exclusion.

In toxic workplaces, adults may encounter criticism or be ignored altogether. The persistent feeling of invisibility and lack of appreciation can drain hope, making it hard to believe that a better environment is possible.

#5 Challenges of Abusive or Neglectful Parents

Parents play a pivotal role in shaping a child’s outlook. Abusive or neglectful parents often blur healthy boundaries, leaving children to fend for themselves emotionally or physically. Abuse can involve excess control, while neglect stems from a failure to provide what is needed to thrive. Some parents are preoccupied with other activities or simply incompetent.

Parentification, where children take on parental roles, robs them of innocence and creates enduring struggles with self-worth and relationships. For example, a nine-year-old shouldn’t be cooking dinner for the family every night. Nor should she be responsible for managing her parents’ emotions.

#6 Struggles with Health Issues

Facing chronic illness or surviving near-death experiences can shatter one’s sense of stability and control. Health issues can make daily life feel like a battle, draining energy and hope for recovery. The psychological toll of adjusting to a “new normal” can feel like an uphill climb, with each step weighed down by doubt and exhaustion.

#7 The Pain of Divorce

Divorce signifies the breakdown of a once-promised lifelong bond. Feelings of rejection and failure intensify when the separation is complicated by sabotage or unfair claims. Divorce can leave emotional scars that affect trust, self-worth, and the hope of finding enduring love.

#8 Trauma from Violent Crime

The aftermath of violent crime, such as rape, assault, or vandalism, often includes emotional trauma that is hard to reconcile. Victims may feel a loss of safety and confidence. The violation of one’s dignity and security can lead to despair and fear that recovery is unattainable.

#9 Devastation from Natural Disasters

Natural disasters strike unexpectedly, disrupting homes and lives. Tornados, hurricanes, mold outbreaks, and infestations can leave families struggling to rebuild their sense of safety. The emotional strain of starting over after such devastation can make hope feel distant, especially when faced with recurring challenges.

Experiences that drain hope are often tied to trauma, but recognizing these moments is the first step toward healing. Feeling drained is likely a normal response given the intensity of your experiences. While trauma may cast shadows over joy and stability, understanding its roots allows for growth and recovery. God’s care and encouragement, even amidst life’s trials, can nurture the flame of hope, guiding individuals to reclaim their lives.

If you need help managing these draining experiences, Matt is available to provide support while illuminating the path to recovery. Here is another post about biblical hope.

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Marriage From Roots To Fruits to be Published April 2015

December 6, 2014 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Christian Concepts is please to announce that Matt Pavlik’s first book, Marriage From Roots To Fruits, will be published April 2015.

Transforming Panic into Peace

May 4, 2019 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Would you rather panic for no reason or face your known, but shameful experiences? If you refuse to face your experiences, you will probably end up with increasing anxiety. But if you choose to face your negative experiences, you can transform them into God moments.

When you push specific emotions out of your awareness, they will eventually resurface as some unnamed but equally uncomfortable emotion. You might experience some relief if you don’t have to name the feeling. But unnamed feelings only increase in intensity until you deal with them. The feelings associated with negative experiences are like an undetected virus that moves freely through your body.

Chances are, when you don’t have the stomach to face the reality of what you have been through, you will avoid naming and claiming your emotions. Who would want to remember being beat up at school, being sexually assaulted, or being yelled at by parents?

Trauma disorganizes and it takes significant effort to restore order. Facing the sickening emotions can drain most of your reserves. But that effort produces healing.

God designed you to respond to the difficulties of life. Whether you like it or not, God made you able to feel the pain of your negative experiences. God declares a law of reaping and sowing (Galatians 6:7-8). You’ll reap what others sow if you are powerless to step out of harm’s way.

You can't control what happened to you, but you can control how you respond. The longer you avoid dealing with emotional unrest, the more time you give it to establish a stronghold of chaos. Share on X

Has the chaos within become normal to you? Have you forgotten or never known what peace feels like?

During the first few years after I became a Christian, I journaled almost every day. Becoming a Christian enabled me to look back at my first twenty years and realize how much I didn’t understand. I processed through my experiences with new insight. As I connected life events, I also connected with emotions that I didn’t know I had.

Becoming a Christian felt like waking up from a bad dream. I was thankful I wasn’t stuck in the former reality. But at the same time, I had to face the reality of all I had experienced.

Today, I don’t need to process the distant past as frequently, but I’m always learning something new and working to have it make sense with my personal history.

This kind of processing is like decompressing after a long day. What would happen if I didn’t take the time to express everything? What do you call energy that is building up in a closed system? A bomb!

Do you realize when you hold in emotions that God intended you to release, you create a ticking time bomb? The pressure starts building and a date with destiny is set. When time runs out and the bomb goes off, there will be personal and collateral damage.

There are only so many ways you can manage uncomfortable emotions. You can Numb Out, Burn Out, or Ride Out.

Numb Out

Numbing out means you shut down your emotions. You cut the power; you trip the circuit breaker. Your brain circuits are overloaded and you are fortunate your automatic shut down is working.

This averts the immediate disaster. You dodge the bullet; you avoid feeling the crushing weight of what happened. You gain some immediate relief, but also more than you bargain for: some long-term problems.

Burn Out

In the midst of re-experiencing an overwhelming event, you are unable to find the automatic off switch. The intensity of your emotions continues to grow. The pain and panic become so unbearable that you must look for a way to force the shut down.

You might start cutting yourself. Or drinking a lot. Or end up in the emergency room because you think you’re having a heart attack.

Ride Out

You endure the waves of painful emotion without going in critical overload. If you’ve been through trauma, this is easier said than done. But it’s possible.

Riding out is a commitment to re-engaging your emotions while learning how to manage them so they don’t create a new trauma. When you can’t manage this without going critical, that’s when you need support.

What happens when a newborn baby cries? The baby is expressing discomfort about a situation that she can’t control. She is hungry, has a messy diaper, or needs sleep.

God didn’t provide newborns with the brain wiring to self-sooth. If no one addresses the problem and no one soothes her, she must eventually choose to Numb Out.

Because of the severity of the trauma you’ve been through, you could be in a situation like the newborn. You don’t have enough practice to calm yourself down, so you need to borrow the support of others. You need a surrogate mom to help you soothe.

With the right amount of support, the energy from the waves of emotion will die down eventually. With the tension gone, you experience peace instead of panic.

Choosing to Ride Out by facing dreaded emotions is an act of bravery. Remember, you reap what you sow. If you confront your past, you can move beyond it.

How much time do you spend in Numb Out, Burn Out, or Ride Out? Why is that?

What questions do you have about facing unpleasant emotions?

Are you ready to gain more peace? Tell God you are ready to face and then embrace your emotional pain. Ask Him for insight into your suffering. Allow Him to guide you on the journey to greater emotional wholeness.

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

Negative Experiences Can Create Negative Self-Worth

February 16, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

This is the first of three posts that feature a story about Sean’s healing journey from negative experiences to positive experiences to a new reality. You’ll learn how to pursue life-changing emotional healing.

Negative experiences don’t always result in feeling less worth. But a person must have enough positive experiences stored up to combat the negative. A young child, if they are experiencing significant harmful events, typically doesn’t have enough positives to fend off the negatives.

Parents are the deciding factor at a young age. If the parents are the primary influence and they’re negative, the child is often in a hopeless situation. If the negative experiences come from outside the family, then at least the parents can boost the child’s self-worth through support and encouragement.

Sean’s Negative Experiences

Sean loved the red bicycle he got for his 7th birthday. Red is his favorite color. His bike wasn’t the only gift he received from his parents, but it was the only significant one that shaped his life.

He rode his bike everywhere he went in the neighborhood. He especially liked to ride it to the local store where he could purchase his favorite snack and see his friends.

One day, upon exiting the store, his bike wasn’t there. He looked around hoping he had simply forgotten where he left it or someone had moved it. But it definitely wasn’t there. His knees felt weak, his stomach dropped, and he felt like he was going to puke.

Unfortunately, Sean had more to be upset about than his bike. He started walking home. The closer he got, the slower he walked. His feet wouldn’t move any faster. When he arrived home, he played outside for at least an hour, but as it got dark, he had to go in.

“Someone took my bike.”

His mom, already stressed from the day’s activities, responded in her predictable way, “What? How could you be so irresponsible? How could you… well, you’re not getting another one. Go to your room until your dad gets home.”

Sure enough, his parents punished him for being “lazy.” Not only did he have to cope with losing his bike, but he also had to endure his parent’s hot anger and being grounded for a month—a true triple-whammy. And that doesn’t include the spanking he received.

Sean Develops Low Self-Worth

His teen years were filled with more dread. He believed he was “messed up” and carried a heavy anxious feeling with him. He frequently muttered under his breath, “yep, another perfect mess up by Sean.” His internal thoughts were the worst. “Irresponsible. Failure. Stupid.”

Sean turned to food to manage his uncomfortable feelings. “I feel better when I eat. Or, at least I don’t feel so bad.” Inevitably this led to weight gain. By the time he was 9, he had gained quite a lot of weight.

Unfortunately, this left him open to unkind words from his peers. They snickered and made funny noises behind his back and sometimes even in his face. Unfortunately, even most of his closest friends turned against him. They stopped playing with him.

The additional pain quickly became too much for Sean to manage with food alone. Sean fought back when picked on. This was only verbal jabs at first, but eventually, the depth of his pain produced a physical reaction he didn’t know how to control. He started pushing the kids who called him names. Once after school, he fought with one of the weaker ones he knew he could at least get in a few hits.

The trouble at school only made matter’s worse at home. His parents responded with more disappointment and restrictions. But the worst part for Sean was having no one to talk to about how rejected he felt.

Can you see how Sean’s negative experiences led to even more negative experiences? A downward spiral is common. But an upward spiral is also possible. In part 2 of Sean’s story, I spend time teaching about healing emotional wounds.

Sean’s Story Part 2
Image by Isa KARAKUS from Pixabay

Enjoy A New Reality

March 3, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Have you ever failed to keep a new year’s resolution? Have you ever reached your goal weight only to gain back those pounds?

In these situations, without the possibility of a new reality, you’re going to feel hopeless. Something needs to change if you want to continue to feel hopeful. But it’s even more than that. You’re only going to be as hopeful as your changes are permanent.

This is part 3 of Sean’s healing journey.

Sean’s New Reality

I ended part two of Sean’s story with him receiving a new bicycle from his small group. This experience, led by God, allowed the truth of the scriptures to sink into his heart. Now he could not only say that he knew the truth as a fact, but he knew the truth as a reality.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
1 John 3:16-18 NIV

Pursue Your New Reality

Sean’s story illustrates that your experiences shape the way you view your identity. Your interpretation of your experiences can be accurate or inaccurate. When you go through a negative experience without a positive experience to counter-act it, the negative experience will dominate your understanding of who you are.

If you’ve gone through a time of discovering the truth, you’ll know the factual truth about your identity. Unfortunately, this isn’t enough. You must go one step further to experience a positive event that can override the negative event. Only then can you know the truth about your identity. You’ll see yourself properly, through God’s eyes.

How you interpret the events affects your long-term feelings about life. If you’re feeling depressed or anxious, it’s probably because of a negative interpretation of a negative experience. Without a positive intervention that allows you to see the truth, you might pursue destructive behavior toward yourself or others.

Review the diagram below which illustrates how a person can move from a hurtful event, to a healing process, and onto a new reality. I regularly use it with my clients to help them see how their lives became dysfunctional and how they can return to healthy living. See if you can trace Sean’s experiences through the diagram, then try an example from your own life.

**How To Experience The New Reality of Emotional Healing**

A New Reality Is Possible

Personal transformation occurs on multiple levels. To illustrate this, consider what happens when you change your appearance by putting on a different set of clothes. You could change from wearing plain, worn clothes to stylish, brilliant clothes.

Is that enough to change how you feel about yourself? It might help some, but chances are, any improvement will be short-lived. Changing your clothes doesn’t really change who you are, even though others will certainly see you differently.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 NIV

The process of renewing your mind found in Romans 12:2 involves a real change in brain structure. New positive experiences rewire your brain. As a result, you might be motivated to change how you dress or pursue other outward manifestations of your inner healing.

Sometimes, you can help this process by changing on the outside first, which is also called fake-it-until-you-make-it. It’s better than nothing. But God’s Spirit working inside you is much more powerfully transformative.

Have you ever experienced this deep renewing? This true healing makes old thinking obsolete. Experiencing this transformation enables you to believe it can happen again. That’s one way to define true, biblical hope.

Once you understand how change happens, you can begin to make leaps forward. Instead of baby-steps, which often maintain too much of the old environment, you can leap forward to new ways of thinking that you didn’t know existed.

Are you excited about the possibilities of a new reality?

Read Part 1
Read Part 2
Photo from PxHere

Amazing Desire To Gain Understanding

May 9, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

How well do you feel truly understood? On a quest to be understood, you’ll probably first need to pursue understanding yourself. You might find yourself asking a series of progressive questions:

How well do I feel understood?
What has happened to me in the last several months?
Have I talked with anyone about what is going on with me?
How well do I know what is going with me? How well can I explain it to someone else?
Could others not understand because they do not consider understanding me a priority for them?
Does anyone care about me?

You might not be on others’ radar, but you should be on your radar. Others might be consumed with their own thoughts or pursuits. If you want to be understood, seek to understand yourself and learn how to communicate your insight to others.

Getting Understanding Is Half The Battle

Having a clear understanding means you have an accurate assessment of any given situation. Then, with God’s motivation to do what is best, you should be able to choose a positive step forward.

Get wisdom, get understanding;
    do not forget my words or turn away from them.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
    love her, and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
    Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
Cherish her, and she will exalt you;
    embrace her, and she will honor you.
She will give you a garland to grace your head
    and present you with a glorious crown.”
Proverbs 4:5-9 NIV

Of course, when God is involved, the best way forward is a step of faith as you trust Him. One of the best wise sayings is to not lean on your own understanding. That’s because only God has complete understanding. When you are able to follow God along your confusing (crooked?) path, then you have wisdom and understanding.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

God doesn’t expect us to understand the course of our life apart from Him.

A person’s steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand their own way?
Proverbs 20:24 NIV

Getting wisdom doesn’t mean you automatically understand everything, but it does mean you’ll be able to lean into God.

Understanding Yourself Is A Prerequisite

You might not be able to figure out your way, at least not with absolute certainty, but you can better know yourself. Before you can attempt to understand someone else, you need to understand yourself (so you can relate). Before someone else can understand you, you need to understand yourself (so you can share yourself with others).

What happens if you don’t know yourself very well? Others can observe your behaviors and offer their best guess about what is going on with you. God can teach you about yourself through others, but you always have the ability to choose your opinion over other’s opinion.

Sometimes adversity can force you to find yourself. That’s where the saying, “Let’s see what you’re made of” comes from. As you rise to meet challenges, your identity becomes clearer.

Counseling Helps You Gain Understanding

When I am counseling others, one of my main goals is to help my clients become more in touch with who they are. While there are various techniques to achieve this, the simplest might be curiosity. When I am curious about my clients, it helps them to find their voice, opinions, and preferences. Often, if a person doesn’t sense anyone will understand, they don’t bother trying to understand themselves. This means a lot of potential remains untapped.

When God created each one of us, He created a seed of our identity. At conception, we are like a seed. The seed defines our identity, but it needs time to grow into the intended target. Never looking into who you are is like not planting the seed or like receiving a gift but never opening it.

To better understand yourself, experiment by trying a new activity or an old one in a new way. Consider what you learn from it. Then pick something else new and repeat.

If you become lost during your life journey, try explaining yourself to someone else who doesn’t know you very well. Hopefully you’ll figure out that you had the answer within you all along, you just needed some help getting to it. Give yourself this opportunity to discover more of who God made you to be.

Heavenly Healing From The Inside Out

July 12, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

Healing from the inside out will last for an eternity. That’s a comforting thought, isn’t it?

Many movies or TV shows involved characters being locked up in a prison. When a prisoner misbehaves, they can be sent to solitary confinement. They might be left alone with no human contact for days, weeks, or in extreme cases a few months.

Solitary confinement is not only a physically deprived environment, but it’s also an emotionally and mentally deprived one too. God made us to need social interaction. But it’s unlikely you’ll receive love exactly the way you want it and exactly when you want it.

Healing Through Connection

Healthy relationships have significant amounts of closeness and separation. Both extremes end up being obstacles to emotional growth. Too much closeness is just as bad as too little closeness. If you lack boundaries, that sense of who you are, you are vulnerable to taking on other’s emotions as if they were your own. A healthy person develops a sense of identity so they can function independently of others.

However, too much separation is no good either. With thick walls, a person won’t feel hurt by someone else. Unfortunately, the walls can become like a prison that fosters loneliness among other negative consequences.

Imagine you are in a room all alone. There are no windows or doors. It’s completely dark. No one can get in to hurt you, but neither can anyone get in to help. This is actually a good analogy for learning how to receive help.

The people on the outside have little, if any, control over what happens on the inside. All they can see is the wall you’ve put up. No one can “fix” another person without their cooperation.

On the inside, it’s possible to make a door and even open it. Any openings you allow can only be locked from the inside. You can lock others out, but they can’t lock you in. You can unlock the door, but they can’t.

Healing When You’ve Lost The Key

What happens though if you lose the key to your door? That makes healing more complicated. Perhaps your “door” has been locked so long that you don’t remember how to connect with others. Then, fearing the unknown, you are reluctant to bother to look for the key.

People on the outside might sense your struggle, but there’s no way for them to unlock the door. You want out, but you don’t know how to unlock the door. You’re so confused you don’t remember how to open up. Or, perhaps, you don’t even want to open up because your fear and shame are too intense.

When you’re trapped inside–that’s mental illness. That’s hopelessness that leads to even more severe depression and anxiety.

How much do you identify with feeling trapped like this? How long have you suffered from loneliness? It’s so easy to be trapped in a double bind. It doesn’t feel safe to stay locked up, but neither does it feel safe to open up. You desperately need help but help feels too intrusive.

Even in this situation, there is hope. God only needs your permission, then He can get inside without a key or even a door. God can bring order to the chaos inside of you. God can bring clarity. God brings understanding. God can help you open a window.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
Revelation 3:20 NIV

God waits with His healing touch for us to desire to let Him in. Healing can only happen from the inside out. But a window lets light through both ways.

You, LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
Psalm 18:28 NIV

Ask Jesus to help you open the door of your heart so others’ lights can encourage you and your light can encourage them.

Introducing Marriage from Roots to Fruits

January 23, 2015 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

When Failure is Not an Option!

Do any of these describe your experience with marriage?

Overwhelmed by perpetual unresolved conflict;
Drifting away from your partner;
Experiencing the pain of betrayal;
Confused by the complexity of marriage;
Afraid to walk down the aisle.

Marriage from Roots to Fruits brings much needed hope to couples who are at a point of despair and intense emotional pain. It is filled with practical tools and real life examples to encourage couples along the path of healing and living victoriously. You will learn details of God’s design for a healthy relationship while experiencing how deeply God knows, understands, and cares about the struggle that can come with marriage.

Marriage: Mission Critical

Marriage is God joining together a man and a woman, loyal to each other for life, who each contribute distinct but equally important abilities towards the completion of a fruitful mission greater than can be accomplished apart.

Unfortunately, a marriage license does not mean we are ready or competent enough to marry. If we continue to think and feel like a single person, we will remain single on the inside even though, outwardly, we are married. How many people have plunged ahead into marriage without a clue? What would happen if no one was required to pass a test for a driver’s license before getting behind the wheel?

Whether you are single, engaged, single-again, or married, this book is for your personal growth. This book is especially for you, if you:

Are struggling with how to make your relationship work;
Like to understand how things work—how each part functions in relation to the whole;
Want to learn the details of God’s design for relationships;
Like to reflect in order to gain understanding;
Want a full-brain (left and right) learning experience;
Appreciate visual diagrams to gain understanding;
Want to apply the appropriate principles and ideas to bring about positive change;
Want to make the most of your time in counseling.

God created you with a blueprint which establishes not only your identity (His end-in-mind for you as a work of art) but also your growth journey (the step-by-step plans). However, your experiences with the darkness of this world, sin, and the enemy deface the blueprint and leave you disoriented. A marriage at its best provides an encouraging companion who helps you discover your true identity. But without God, marriage becomes a place of fear and self-doubt.

In Marriage from Roots to Fruits, you will learn:

How to experience spiritual growth and truly know God;
How to live in your true identity and ensure individual growth;
How to enjoy marriage growth and true love for your partner.

This book contains unique counseling insights with strong biblical applications. Pastors and counselors can use it to help couples prepare for marriage as well as heal existing marriages. It is also applicable for married couples who feel okay about the relationship they have, but want to have a stronger and deeper relationship with God and each other.

This book is designed with 52 short lessons which include:

Concept diagrams: learn the principles visually;
For Reflection ideas: think deeper about each lesson;
Experiential exercises: know the truths in your heart;
Next Steps actions: apply what you learn in your marriage.

Brokenness Is Beautiful

February 7, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

When you can see your brokenness, you see yourself as you really are. It’s a wonderful moment of freedom from pretense. Seeing brokenness is simply another way to perceive what you are lacking.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 NIV

Since God is the ultimate source of all we lack, we should welcome becoming aware of our brokenness. Why is it often so terrifying then? Believe it or not, it’s possible to fear something good. We crave consistency. After we start depending on something or someone, we don’t want it to go away.

If we lack something good we can fear both:

that we’ll never receive what we need.
that what we receive will inevitably be taken away.

Both fears are realistic, yet, painful. Both are ultimately rooted in doubting God is who He says He is. God gives good things to those who believe and ask.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Hebrews 11:6; Matthew 7:11 NIV

Fear Makes Brokenness Ugly

So you can see how when fear is present, needs and desires can become completely overwhelming. If you’ve lived with deprivation for a long time, you know what I mean.

If your needs go unmet, you lose touch with what it’s like to have them met. Often this means living with an awareness that you don’t know what it is like to have them met. The longer this continues, the more difficult it is to trust it will ever be different. And, if it does happen, it will be doubly painful to lose it.

Anyone who experiences the trauma of abuse or neglect usually lives with a sense of deprivation. Abuse and neglect break trust which is essential if you want to risk the vulnerability required to have your needs met. Deprivation can be so painful that it is often more intense than the original trauma.

Coping Forever Prevents Healing

Depriving yourself for any length of time usually requires numbing your desires. If you can’t feel your hunger (emotional needs), it’s nearly impossible to over-eat (be self-centered). Unfortunately though, it is possible to under-eat (be deprived).

Cutting off your cravings for love and acceptance is a coping mechanism called dissociation. I believe dissociation to be a necessary coping to manage intense trauma. However, all coping is meant to be temporary until genuine healing and transformation are available and the person is ready.

How much a person relies on coping depends on at least two factors:

The intensity of the pain experienced from trauma.
The availability of a safe-enough relationship that promotes healing.

The intensity of the pain is mostly subjective. Some people can tolerate more pain than others. But the more the event is severe enough and prolonged enough, and if the person doesn’t have access to a caring person, the more extreme coping is needed.

One of the most intense efforts to cope with trauma is dissociation. When it becomes a mental health disorder it’s called dissociative-identity-disorder (DID).

For a person with DID, their self-awareness becomes divided into multiple parts in order to survive trauma. Therapy involves integrating the parts so that all parts receive needed healing. The end result is a person with a sense of being one integrated person (no longer needing “multiple parts”).

Another word for dissociated is broken. Everyone is broken. On this side of heaven, the opposite of being broken is being in denial. Meaning: if I can’t see my brokenness, I must be denying it.

Embrace your brokenness because it is what will drive you to God. He can help you become free from the trauma and deprivation you’ve been through.

Push Through Fear And Find Hope
Image by Gerhard G. from Pixab ay

Complete Your Training To Resist Evil

September 25, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 5 Comments

In Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda challenges Luke Skywalker, “you must complete the training.” Yoda knew that Luke wasn’t ready yet to face his ultimate trial in a fight against Darth Vader.

How are you doing in your battle against the evil spiritual forces (Ephesians 6:12)? To reach a place of confidence in overcoming life problems, you must complete your training.

God’s school for persevering and winning against evil is called “life.” To complete the transformative journey, you must pass through four steps.

Step 1 Training: Overcome Resistance

Luke works for his Aunt and Uncle but isn’t happy as a farmer. He feels duty-bound to help them so he refuses to leave them. His hope to join the academy remains an unfulfilled dream. He is out of place. He isn’t pursuing his calling.

What is blocking you from attaining your dreams? In what ways are you resisting God’s call to adventure in your life? Step one’s purpose is to increase your level of frustration with your current life so much that you are willing to risk making a change. It is characterized by:

Pride that covers the pain of your life.
Believing lies such as “what others want for me is more important than what I want or what God wants for me.”
Resisting God’s call to spiritual growth.
Attempting to cope to remain self-sufficient.

Too much pride will destroy you.
Proverbs 16:18 CEV

By the time you finish step one, you are ready to seek the help of a counselor.

Step 2 Training: Commit To Recovery

Luke meets his mentor, Obi-Wan, and agrees to go with him to Alderaan. He learns he has other allies (Han, Chewbacca, Princess Leia) as well as enemies (Darth Vader and the empire). But he and his friends face a huge setback when Alderaan is destroyed.

What setbacks have brought further discouragement into your life, just when you decided to get help? Instead of turning back to your old ways, commit to your emotional recovery. Step two’s purpose is to solidify your reason why you want to pursue change. It is characterized by:

Being humbled enough to be willing to seek help.
Being willing to consider how the truth applies to your life.
Accepting God as good–that He has a plan worth following.
Acknowledging your problems and dysfunctional behaviors.

Too much pride can put you to shame.
It’s wiser to be humble.
Proverbs 11:2 CEV

By the time you finish step two, you have uncovered so much pain that you have no choice but to rely on God and other allies.

Step 3 Training: Learn To Trust

Luke fights his way out of the death star with Princess Leia but loses Obi-Wan. He struggles for his freedom only to experience greater suffering with the loss of his mentor.

I see Obi-Wan’s sacrifice and pronouncement that he will become even more powerful as similar to Christ being crucified and becoming more powerful as someone who has defeated death.

What painful memories continue to hold you back from pursuing your dreams? Instead of running from challenges, face them and be transformed by them. Find out what is most important to you. Step three’s purpose is to shift your focus onto how powerful God is and how positive your life is. It is characterized by:

Being vulnerable so you can receive the emotional healing you need.
Confronting the lies you believe with the truth so can freely move forward in life.
Accepting suffering as unavoidable at times and even beneficial.
Realizing that God is worthy of your trust.

The Lord’s people may suffer a lot,
but he will always bring them safely through.
Psalm 34:19 CEV

Even David went through years of training while defending his sheep from bears and other beasts (1 Samuel 17:34-37). By the time you finish step three, your training has prepared you to face the Goliath-sized problems.

Step 4 Training: Walk By Faith

Luke joins the rebels, trusts his mentor’s guidance, and destroys the death star. He is no longer self-sufficient. He is trusting in a power greater than himself. He becomes a hero that can inspire others.

What Goliath-sized problem is looming large over your life? How has God proven Himself faithful to you? Look for the opportunities to prove your training has accomplished its purpose. Step four’s purpose is to test your faith as you fulfill your God-planned destiny. It is characterized by:

Confidence in your ability to face problems with God’s help.
Embracing the truth to overcome doubts and other spiritual attacks.
Resisting evil by not giving it any room to thrive.
Faithful dependence on God for strength.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear.
Psalm 46:1-2 NIV

By the time you finish step four, your journey is complete. You are ready to help others if they want help with their struggles. You can also identify new problems and start the journey again for yourself. Or, maybe you are like Luke and didn’t finish your training the first time around. That’s okay. With God, it’s never too late to start on a journey of transformation. Future posts will cover each of the four steps in greater detail.

Sometimes a mentor can be a person like a counselor. But a mentor can also be a process like the ones in any of my books. Try either of those if you feel unhappy with where you are in life and want some help to complete your training so you can overcome the big problem in your life.

Learn more about freedom as you experience positive change.
Image by Jeff Jacobs from Pixabay

Push through fear like you would cross a scary bridge.

Push Through Fear and Find Hope

June 29, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

A string of devastating disappointments can weaken you to the point you live in constant fear of the next disaster. Don’t give up. You can push through fear and find hope.

Job experienced multiple traumas. He suffered from the loss of his children, his finances, and his health. Though he was greatly distressed, he held on until God brought him relief.

In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
Job 1:22 NIV

Just like Job, your mental attitude makes a difference. Do all you can to guard your heart against bitterness toward God. A healthy fear of God is good.

At any moment, you have the ability to choose a different path. With each decision you make, something changes. As long as something is changing, hope is alive.

If it seems like you are up against a wall with no way out, perhaps you are afraid of something. The enemy uses fear to distract you. When you are afraid, everything looks worse than it really is.

Here are two possible ways you can become immobilized by fear:

You expect a change for the worse: You fear a change that will result in you being worse off than you are currently. You anticipate you will make a bigger mess of an already bad situation.
You expect no positive change: You fear you’ll never be better off. You believe your dreams are unobtainable, your effort is futile, and change is impossible.

If nothing about you could ever change, fear would multiple quickly. You would become consumed with hopelessness. The more you feel trapped, the more you would panic. The more you panic, the more trapped you would feel.

Anxiety blocks creativity. The more anxious I am, the less I have access to the part of me that can find solutions. I can’t make a good decision when I am anxious. When my ability to change my thinking becomes inaccessible, I become confused, paralyzed, and unable to move forward.

Don’t give up. Push through fear like you would cross a scary bridge. You can use these 3 strategies to bridge your way to hope:

Use the Gospel to Push Through Fear

You were once dead in your sin, but now you are a new creation. You are forgiven and capable of becoming more like Christ. You can change because God is empowering you. This is the ultimate hope all believers have.

The kind of change I’m talking about is the kind that matters most. The priceless kind. Would you rather have an easy life or the strength and peace to endure a hard life?

The hope of the Gospel is more than enough to calm my fears.

Use Your Identity to Push Through Fear

All positive, significant change is a decision to embrace more of who God made you to be. Circumstances can change for better or worse. But your identity is fixed. And this is good because it’s easier to hit a fixed target than one that moves all the time.

As you accept and move toward your true identity, you’ll gain the power to also accept your circumstances.

If you’re believing lies about yourself, you are opening yourself to evil. Walk away from abusive situations. I don’t mean give up on loving others. Instead, I mean improve your self-worth by actively refuting lies with the truth.

Use Momentum to Push Through Fear

The smallest change can result in unstoppable momentum. There’s always hope when there’s something you can change. If you can make a change in what you’re doing or saying, then something must be different inside of you.

God takes no pleasure in seeing you beat yourself up or put yourself down. When something terrible happens, it has nothing to do with who you are. Remember Job? He lost so much, but that didn’t change who he was to God.

Can you decide to take better care of yourself? Relax and allow yourself to find the greater separation between who your circumstance says you are and who God says you are.

Always hold on to hope because you can make a change. If the change you want seems too big, then start smaller. Even a small change can lead to big hope. Do something different. Take a walk instead of sitting inside all day. Veg out instead of doing laundry all day. Do something to enjoy the moment you have right now.

To push through fear and choose peace despite your circumstances, you will need to pray.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:6-8 NIV

To explore this idea further see Ephesians 2:1-5, Proverbs 13:12, and see my post on Quora.
Image by Bishnu Sarangi from Pixabay