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Pain Is Your Guide - Finding Jesus In The Ache

Pain Is Your Guide – Finding Jesus In The Ache

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Too much pain starts to break down a person’s spirit. There goes the ability to manage life with your sanity intact. However, too little pain is also a serious problem in a world where brokenness is always there in one form or another. God uses suffering to create a hunger for spiritual nourishment.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5:3 ESV

You might see another person receiving significant attention and adoration from others. Or someone else is promoted ahead of you. Or maybe your friend is pregnant for the second time while you’ve been trying for years. God seems to be moving in their lives—but in yours, He feels strangely silent.

That’s painful. Let it register as such.

It’s easy to become immobilized by doubt when others seem to bask in God’s favor while you feel overlooked, even invisible to Him. You wonder what you’ve done wrong, or if you’re simply not seen.

But to become unstuck, to start healing, you must first lean into that pain. Fully. Let the heaviness of your heart have its say. Let it whisper truths about your spirit that you’ve been avoiding. If you’re numb to your emotions, you’ll miss the subtle work God may already be doing.

Pain: The Sacred Signal of Hunger

So—how in touch are you with your hunger? What does your soul long for? Is it intimacy, healing, purpose, peace, or kingdom-centered work? All of the above, right? Often, these desires are buried beneath the distractions of life. We silence the ache to keep moving, to keep functioning. Yet that ache is a signal. A holy one.

It’s like The Matrix. You may think you’re awake, but in truth, you’re sleepwalking through spiritual hunger. The real condition of your soul might remain hidden until you’re willing to confront your thirst for something more.

This ache points us to something deeper—something only Jesus can satisfy.

But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

John 4:14 ESV

Hunger is terrifying. I know, because I used to try to hide mine all the time. When I’m not doing well, it is easy grasp for anything to distract from the ache inside. But eventually, pain has a way of resurfacing. And every time, I’m shocked by how real it still is.

But now I’ve learned to pay attention to it.

Because pain has a voice.

It speaks from a deep place within. With help from God’s Spirit, it shouts out the truths you need to hear, the ones no one else can tell you. Identifying your suffering doesn’t cause it to fade immediately, but it provides clarity. It offers freedom from ambiguity and self-deception. You begin to see your pain not as a curse, but as a guide to life and health.

The book Hind’s Feet on High Places portrays this so beautifully. In it, Much-Afraid walks a harrowing path filled with discomfort and confusion. And just when it seems unbearable, God calls her deeper into suffering—into surrender. Her journey, though painful, is what shapes her into someone radiant with purpose.

God has a purpose for your pain, too. And we must also remember: God might be using pain in others’ lives, too.

Pain: Don’t Steal it From Others

As a counselor, I’ve learned over the years that people need space to express their pain. People want solutions that stop the pain, but the only way to stop it is to go through it. The real healing often begins when I resist the urge to skip over the hurt and instead gently encourage people to stay connected to their ache.

Leaning into the pain keeps the heart open. It’s in that sacred connection—between person and pain—that Jesus draws near. And when He meets someone in their brokenness, the relief He gives is more spiritually profound than any earthly distraction.

So—how are you doing with connecting to your pain? Have you allowed yourself to feel it fully? And who are you inviting into that sacred space with you? Jesus isn’t afraid of your pain. He meets you in it—with mercy, not judgment.

Learn more about Jesus’s care during suffering.
Image by Joe Murphy from Pixabay
Last Updated June 22, 2025

God Will Deliver You From Failure

God Will Deliver You From Failure

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Failure would be a death sentence if it were not for God’s mercy. Many people struggle with believing that their failure leaves a fatal mark that limits their potential. If you think you’ve failed, you might believe something like:

  • I’ll always mess up God’s plans.
  • There’s no hope for me now.
  • I’ll wear this scar for the rest of my life.
  • That was my last chance.
  • God will never forgive me.
  • My best will never be good enough.
  • God is going to send me to hell.
  • I’ll never recover from this.
  • There’s no use trying again.

For Christians to believe any of these statements, they must be deceived. Every one of them has something false about it. What Jesus has done for believers removes the permanence of these statements and breathes hope into the hopeless, life into the lifeless.

Failure From the World’s Perspective

A worldly definition of failure distorts God by emphasizing two extreme responses. People are forever condemned or always excused without consequence. These miss God’s heart because they throw out His mercy or justice.

Without God’s mercy, we would all be perpetually caught in shame. The unbearable feelings of self-condemnation and self-loathing weigh heavily without any way of escape. People attempt to cope by utilizing perfectionism or apathy to avoid the feelings of falling short.

Without God’s justice, we can become lulled into a false sense of security. The prideful presumption that there will never be a reckoning for our attitudes and choices might soothe the conscience today but does nothing to prevent the condemnation tomorrow. People attempt to cope by utilizing relativism to discount the seriousness of God’s absolute standards.

    Sin is probably the best definition of failure. It completely misses what God wants for us. Without God, we are defective because of sin. However, God, because of His love, has stripped sin of its power and permanent consequences. So it does not have a significant lasting effect for believers.

    Failure From God’s Perspective

    Let’s reconsider the definition of failure, but include God this time. A worst-case definition of failure considers it to be a temporary setback. That’s because God works for our ultimate good. We are on the same side.

    Failure implies finality. But because God is an eternal being, endings do not exist for Him. Any moment in time is not the final word on your situation.

    Failure implies hopelessness. But God is an endless supply of hope. Nothing can defeat God. Nothing can defeat God’s plans. Nothing can defeat God’s people.

    Failure implies permanent loss. But God restores and heals, often while we are yet in this life. That’s possible because knowing Him means knowing boundless hope.

    Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

    Lamentations 3:21-23

    We can always learn from our experiences, even if they seem like abysmal failures. God is ready to give us another chance. We can start again in a stronger position.

    I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

    Psalm 34:4-7 NIV

    So you can see that you will have trouble, but God will deliver you. He will deliver you from evil. He looks beyond failure to your eternal potential in Jesus Christ. For other verses that support God’s grace and hope, see Isaiah 40:31, Romans 5:5, Psalm 33:18, and Jeremiah 29:11.

    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

    Romans 15:13 NIV

    Learn more about Shame.
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    Last updated 2025/02/02

    Remember Your Past For A Healthy Present

    Remember Your Past For A Healthy Present

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    Reading time: 3 minutes

    How does remembering your past help you today? Think of re-membering as bringing scattered parts of your life together. It’s like gathering the parts of a jigsaw puzzle and assembling them where they belong.

    God wants you to see the whole picture of who you are. Have you ever worked on a puzzle only to get to the end and realize some pieces are missing? It’s frustrating because it feels so incomplete.

    I’m fascinated by my past. I’m not thinking of historical facts. I mean my psychological and emotional journey. Memories are important because they are the key to setting a person free from being trapped in the past.

    You can’t change what has happened to you but you can change its meaning. You decided how much a particular memory has the power to define who you are. They answer the question: How did I get to where I am today?

    How you first experience something has long-lasting implications. Your journey is, in many ways, a series of first-time experiences. To put the pieces of your life together, you must revisit your first-time experiences to create follow-on experiences. Healing can be both strengthening the positive memories and weakening the negative ones.

    Questions to Help You Remember

    Your relationship with your childhood memories can tell you a lot about yourself. Here are some questions you can use to explore your emotional health:

    • How do you feel about your childhood?
    • Do you feel like you are still a child?
    • Do you feel like you are stuck in your childhood?
    • Do you feel extremely distant from childhood, almost like it was another lifetime?
    • Does childhood feel real to you or more like a fantasy?
    • Does childhood seem unimportant or highly relevant to you?
    • Do you remember a lot or a little?
    • How much was childhood the same or different every day?
    • What positive memories come to mind?
    • What negative memories come to mind?

    Did you skim through these questions or pause on each one and give a real, in-depth answer? Are you willing to embrace your childhood or do you think you’d be happier if you never thought about it again?

    Even if you considered only one of the questions, you’ve got a taste of what it’s like to move toward emotional health. You dipped your toe in the water. If you considered more than one, you might feel overwhelmed as you swim in a pool of emotional memories.

    As I said, memories are fascinating. They aren’t part of who you are. Yet, in another way, they are part of you. You’re not five years old anymore. But you might feel five years old sometimes.

    Remember the Past, Compare it with the Present, and Plan the Future

    Here are a few more questions for you to consider: In what ways do you feel the same, today, as you did when you were a young child? In what ways are you the same? In what ways are you different?

    Life can lead you away from being in touch with who you are. The pressures, demands, and trauma open a chasm between your performance and who you are. It’s possible to become so familiar with present-day performance (life responsibilities) that you forget what it’s like to enjoy life on your terms.

    Here are three more questions that should help you “pull yourself together.” What day would you most like to relive? What makes life worth living today? Now, what new day do you imagine you would like to live in the near future?

    In answering all these questions, look for two things. First, look for any infections: emotional wounds that haven’t fully healed. Second, look for peak experiences: emotional highs that give you energy.

    If you’d like more practice at developing follow-on experiences, then you should try a book from my Journal Your Way series.

    More about the benefits of exploring your past.
    Image by Nato Pereira from Pixabay
    Last updated 2022/12/11

    On The Fringe: The Truth About The Struggle To Belong

    On The Fringe: The Truth About The Struggle To Belong

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    Reading time: 3 minutes

    Fringe, a TV show about weird, scientifically unexplainable events in the universe, debuted in 2008. It drew my interest at first because of the possibilities of the unknown. Because, well, exploring the mysteries of life is exciting.

    “Fringe” can have a much broader definition than scientific anomalies. It has a connotation of “flaky” or “fragile.” If someone is teetering on the edge of an abyss they are on the fringe. They are one step away from slipping out of a meaningful existence. They are like Frodo when he puts on the evil ring; he must fight to not be drawn into the shadow world.

    Non-Christians are on the Fringe

    Without Christ, it’s easy to become lost in an endless pursuit of mysterious unknowns. Maybe there is something of substance beyond the fringe? Maybe an alien race is monitoring our every move. What else is out there?

    You can become hooked on the lottery for the same reasons. Having lots of money sounds good, so it must be a good idea to buy into the lottery. I’ve got nothing else to do. I’ve got nothing to lose. — even though the odds of winning are small. You might say you have a fringe of a chance.

    The craving to seek and discover is a good (God-given) desire. However, some people will tenaciously pursue strange, made-up phenomena, while at the same time refusing to acknowledge the existence of a real God that cries out to them through His creation.

    For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.

    Romans 1:20 NIV

    One definition of fringe is being “at the part of something that is farthest from the center.” This describes non-Christians quite well. They are present, able to see but choosing to face away from the center and pursue the outermost fringes of God’s creation. They keep hoping to find the fulfillment of their inner hunger in anything but God.

    Are You, Christian, on The Fringe?

    Another definition of fringe is “not completely belonging to or accepted by a group of people who share the same job, activities, etc.” It’s possible to be a Christian and know Christ, but still feel like you are on the fringe. This shouldn’t be so.

    Do you feel like you are on the fringe? Are you hanging in the balance? Do you know you have worth, but can’t seem to feel your true worth in Christ?

    Christ calls all who belong to Him to move toward Him. Because of His awesome sacrifice, all who are far away from the center are able to move toward the center.

    Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

    Hebrews 4:16 NIV

    “I am weird” and “I am worthless” are lies. Just because others don’t understand you (even other Christians) or you haven’t found a way to meet your needs doesn’t mean you are fringe material. Every one of God’s people belongs.

    Living according to God’s plan for you means you will need to walk a different path than others walk. You have God’s favor as you walk on the path He made for you (see John 21:20-23).

    God smiles as He thinks of you. God is always thinking about you. God is smiling at you. Look up to see His face.

    Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
        no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

    Psalm 34:5 NLT

    Learn more about belonging.
    More on the TV show at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fringe_(TV_series)
    Definition from https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/on-the-fringes-of-something
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    3 Steps To Overcoming Shame

    3 Steps To Overcoming Shame

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    Reading time: 4 minutes

    Shame is the inability to tolerate being known. There is no end to being known. Every day is new. Every day brings more ways you can know and be known. This can be threatening to the person who feels shame intensely.

    Shame results from becoming confused about the truth after lies are introduced into your mind. The lies provide an alternative to the truth and therefore an alternative to trusting God.

    People who feel shame will instinctively hide: from themselves, from others, and from God. This is exactly what Adam and Eve did after they ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They acquired a sense of their inadequacy because they could no longer believe God.

    “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”

    The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the LORD God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the LORD God among the trees.

    Genesis 3:4-8 NLT

    The opposite of hiding in shame is being authentic. Here are three practical ways to reverse the effects of shame.

    Know Yourself to Overcome Shame

    Before you can share yourself with others, you must first be willing to know yourself.

    Being willing to be known is a discipline. Sometimes the cost of being known isn’t worth the reward. Hiding seems better than facing the humiliation of being known. There are times when you won’t be ready for the exposure. That’s okay for the moment.

    However, the more you hide, the more you remain hidden even from yourself. It’s not that you’ve forgotten who you are, but more like you’ve never given yourself a chance to understand who you are.

    But hiding in shame isn’t really an option for the Christian. God won’t let you hide forever. You are salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16). He calls each of us out of hiding and into a relationship with Him, others, and ourselves.

    The more you know the truth about yourself, the more you’ll know how you can contribute to others. You don’t always have to receive; eventually, you’ll know what you can give.

    Study and Journal to Overcome Shame

    If you struggle to tolerate being known, keeping a private journal is the least risky way to begin. Make time to write consistently. As you journal and reread your writing, you begin to see yourself from an outside perspective.

    What should you write about? Read the Bible and other helpful materials that teach you who you are. Then write about what the truths stir up in your heart.

    Share Yourself with Others to Overcome Shame

    Choose a trusted person and begin to share verbally. Practice putting into words what you’re feeling inside, entrusting your private life to another. Receive their acceptance and care.

    Remember that God is a person too. Pay attention to how He speaks to you whether directly or indirectly through others.

    Share publically, but discriminantly. Share more with everyone you know. This doesn’t mean being an open book to everyone. Healthy people discriminate how much they share with each person. However, as you heal, you should be able to share more freely with more people.

    Share Yourself with God to Overcome Shame

    Some parts of ourselves only God knows. Can you completely put your inner feelings of shame into clear words for others to understand? Maybe. Can you receive the truth of who you are completely through words alone? Unlikely.

    As you grow in being genuine with others, you grow in readiness to receive healing from God. His acceptance is the only true antidote to shame. He can address your shame at the core through a deeply spiritual, relational transaction. Essentially, God reveals who He is to you in order to cure your shame.

    Shame is difficult to overcome. It’s easy to fear the unknown. And it’s ten times harder when that unknown is you.

    Where are you on your journey to overcoming shame?

    Read more about Journaling
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    Be Close And Feel No Shame

    Be Close And Feel No Shame

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    Reading time: 4 minutes

    To be close to someone requires that you reveal who you are. Unfortunately, because of the fall, we can experience shame by believing that we are ugly (deformed) in some way, even though God never intended us to experience this.

    Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

    Genesis 2:25 NLT

    That sums up the primary goal of marriage. Can you reveal who you are and what you really want, without hesitation or embarrassment? Can you do it with someone of the opposite sex who might not understand you so well?

    You can be rejected and feel ashamed at the same time, but you don’t have to. If someone chooses to reject you, your response might range from indifference to depressed, to feeling deeply ashamed.

    There’s no greater stress on your soul than feeling ashamed. To feel humiliated is to believe that your greatest desire will never be fulfilled. It happens when you honestly admit what you want more than anything while simultaneously accepting that the culmination of your desire is impossible, and therefore, something must be hopelessly wrong with who you are.

    Freedom Enables Closeness

    Freedom allows for longing to grow. When you have freedom, you can be aware of what you want and be allowed to pursue it.

    Control is the opposite of freedom. It has to do with insecurity which can originate from the belief I am not worth being pursued. When you feel unattractive (whether by physical appearance or within your being), it’s tempting to force closeness (to prove worth) or distance (to avoid feeling worthless) in relationships.

    So you can see how togetherness and separateness can be in conflict in marriage. Freedom allows your spouse to feel their desire to be with you. It allows both of you to be who God created you to be.

    Love and Respect Enable Closeness

    The desire for acceptance and the likelihood of experiencing shame promote defensiveness. But the resulting distance produces loneliness which isn’t good either (Genesis 2:18).

    Love and respect affirm a person’s identity. They are the antidote to shame, so without them, shame is certain. Love and respect can’t be faked, so you must cultivate them genuinely.

    Genuine togetherness occurs when both husband and wife desire to be together. You can encourage a desire for closeness by focusing on the positive qualities of both you and your spouse. You are both made in God’s image, so even when you might not be able to see positives qualities, they exist.

    Separateness Enables Closeness

    God didn’t make a husband and wife to be together 100% of the time. To be literally one would make the need for two obsolete. Instead, “one” means to function as one–to be on the same team. Members of a volleyball team would be much less effective if they were joined at the hip (too close) or if they played independently of each other (too separate). Their effectiveness increases as they cooperate but perform distinct functions. The strongest team will have diversified (not redundant) members who function together to achieve a purpose greater than they can achieve apart.

    Marriage is more challenging than volleyball. It’s easier to be on the same team in volleyball because the skills required are fewer and simpler. The playing field is divided into two parts. The opponents are clearly visible. The objective is in plain sight.

    When you lose sight of the purpose of marriage the team analogy becomes less understandable, but it’s no less valid. Conflict in marriage will increase to the degree the team objective is lost. The conflict often results from one or both people wanting too much closeness or too much separateness. A person’s expectations can become not only unhealthy but also impossible to fulfill.

    Every relationship has an optimal amount of closeness which can vary depending on the season of life. Paradoxically, knowing how to be skillfully distinct (separate) allows for being the closest possible without feeling ashamed.

    You can live knowing you are beautiful today for two reasons:

    1. You are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27).
    2. God reformed you into a new creation without sin (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 4:24).

    For these reasons, you can draw close to God without experiencing shame (Hebrews 4:16) and then also draw close as husband and wife.

    For further learning, consider what is the objective of your marriage. How can you support each other on the same team? Ask God to help to see and affirm the positives in your spouse.

    Read more about what it means to be a new creation.
    Read more about being separate and together.
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