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Archives for July 2020

For A Better Relationship, Breathe

For A Better Relationship, Breathe

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Do your relationships ever feel suffocating or isolating? If you’ve been a Christian for some time, you might be familiar with a common saying: “God doesn’t move; if you feel distant, then it’s not Him who’s changed.” In our spiritual journey, we can draw closer to God or allow distance through our decisions and distractions. When you sense that warmth fading, it is often a signal from within that prompts you to examine your priorities and habits.

Staying connected with God is not a passive experience. Just as in any meaningful relationship, maintaining closeness with the Lord requires intentionality—through consistent prayer, meditation on Scripture, and accountability with fellow believers. When neglect sets in, a slow retreat unfolds, not because God has moved away, but because our hearts have drifted into routine and distraction. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward re-establishing that connection.

Deepening Our Relationship with God

In this light, consider the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 3:1:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens

Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV

This verse reminds us that both intimacy and periods of thoughtful reprieve are part of God’s plan. It calls us to honor the natural rhythm in our lives—balancing moments of devoted togetherness with intentional times for personal reflection and growth in our walk with the Lord.

Balancing Intimacy and Independence in Relationships

Similarly, the dynamics within our interpersonal relationships follow a rhythm that can be understood through the simple act of breathing. In marriage and close friendships, “breathing in” symbolizes times when you intentionally come together with your spouse to share, to pray, and to connect over heartfelt conversation that reinforces your mutual values. This period of closeness deepens intimacy by keeping your shared spiritual and emotional foundation strong.

On the other hand, “breathing out” does not mean discarding what is good. Instead, it means carving out time for fulfilling, independent pursuits—whether that’s personal study, ministry work, or hobbies that honor your Christian values. This purposeful personal time is essential; it strengthens your individuality and personal faith, equipping you to return to the relationship with renewed purpose and clarity.

Consider a couple experiencing daily tension due to a lack of balance. They have grown so accustomed to constant interaction that personal space is nearly non-existent, resulting in feelings of resentment and a loss of personal identity. By establishing designated periods for couple-time—marked by prayer, conversation, and planning for the future—and respecting intervals for individual reflection, they discovered that their love was not only sustained but enriched. Their experience serves as a powerful reminder that when both aspects are respected, both the marital bond and personal faith can thrive.

When your relationship with God begins to feel strained, consider this breathing rhythm as a guide. Reflect on whether you’re allowing sufficient space for both shared worship and personal devotion. Sometimes, creating clear boundaries for quiet reflection or personal study can lead to a more profound reconnection when joining others in fellowship.

Likewise, examine your relationship with your spouse. Engage in heartfelt conversation about balancing togetherness with personal time. Whether it’s setting aside moments for shared Bible study or arranging personal time to pursue individual callings, this balance strengthens you both as individuals and as a couple.

If you’re facing challenges and finding it hard to rediscover this balance on your own, remember that professional Christian counseling is available. My books and counseling services offer further guidance based on Scripture and real-life experience for anyone seeking to restore closeness and harmony in their relationships.

A thriving relationship isn’t about relentless togetherness or constant isolation—it’s about discerning and respecting the rhythm of your life. By following God’s timing as echoed in Ecclesiastes 3:1, you can learn the art of breathing: drawing close after a time of disconnection, and moving toward fulfilling individual pursuits after togetherness. May you find strength in both union and introspection, knowing that each season is perfectly placed in God’s plan.

Learn about community and loneliness.
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Last updated 20250601

Where Does Joy Come From?

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Reading time: 2 minutes

If you want to find something, where do you start looking?

If you’re hungry for strawberries, where do you get them? Strawberries don’t grow on apple trees. So there’s not much point in looking up a tree.

Where does joy come from? Joy is a fruit of the spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23 NIV

Joy is spiritual. Joy is other-worldly. Joy can be difficult to grasp. It’s not logical when viewed from the present moment. Joy becomes elusive when you look for it in the circumstances of your life.

But joy is logical when you look beyond the present moment. Real joy is rooted in a reality beyond what you see everyday. Joy comes from a truth greater than any fact of your present day life. That’s the only way you can suffer and be joyful at the same time.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

James 1:2-3 NIV

Joy isn’t possible without faith. Faith sees beyond the physical to the spiritual reality.

Joy results from trials because the trials reveal the “too good to be true even though it is true” reality beyond the so-so reality of everyday life. Joy is always possible because it’s based on the absolute truth of God’s kingdom.

And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.”

Luke 23:43 ESV

No matter what is happening to you today, a paradise awaits you someday in the future. But don’t end your life prematurely to reach paradise.

While you’re still alive, God has a purpose for you. It’s okay to borrow joy from your heavenly future. In fact, that’s the only way to do it. God’s Spirit makes the heavenly reality known to you today.

Enjoy!

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If It Is Not True, It Is Not Real

If It Is Not True, It Is Not Real

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Have you ever stopped to think that what isn’t true isn’t real? In this context, “real” is any person or idea that will last forever and is neutral to positive about God. Biblical ideas are real. They will last forever and you have a positive use for them. God’s words always produce what God intends them to accomplish (see Isaiah 55:11).

Is there anything you believe, at least partially, even though you know it can’t be true? Maybe you struggle with one or more of these doubts:

  • I am not important to God.
  • I am not lovable.
  • God does not accept me as I am.
  • God does not have my best interest in mind.
  • God does not care what I do with my life.
  • My life’s work is not significant.
  • I am not sure if I will make it to heaven.

Do Not Doubt What is True and Real

Ideally, you have grown your relationship with God enough to refute these. But if you can’t, you’re not alone. If you read your Bible and think about it long enough, you probably could say you know the Bible teaches the opposite. Despite this, it is possible to doubt.

The Bible says that we should think about whatever is true (Philippians 4:8). We should do this to strengthen our faith. God wants us to know who He is. That way, when we approach Him with a request, we will have confidence that what we are asking is something God wants to give to us.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 1:5-6 NIV

The phrase “when you ask” is important to understanding faith. Christians are going to struggle with doubt to some degree some of the time. But believers need to approach God believing in His goodness for the relationship to work well (see Matthew 7:11).

What is False is Temporary

The next time you struggle with doubt, remind yourself that falsehoods aren’t real. If you’re a believer, you’re going to outlast all false ideas, deceptions, and evil spirits. Don’t give falsehoods any more credibility. You have God’s Spirit within you. You don’t have to submit yourself to wrong ideas.

Most of creation as we know it is temporary. Even many created things, despite being positive and useful, aren’t as “real” as you are. You will outlive most of what you see. You will certainly outlive evil and falsehood. You will even outlast some of the beauty of God’s creation! You are more important than most of creation.

Look how the wild flowers grow! They don’t work hard to make their clothes. But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn’t as well clothed as one of these flowers. God gives such beauty to everything that grows in the fields, even though it is here today and thrown into a fire tomorrow. Won’t he do even more for you? You have such little faith! Don’t keep worrying about having something to eat or drink.

Luke 12:27-29 CEV

I’m not saying you should ignore the parts of life you don’t like. I am saying cling only to those things that are real. Everything else isn’t going to last.

My friends, what I mean is that the Lord will soon come, and it won’t matter if you are married or not. It will be all the same if you are crying or laughing, or if you are buying or are completely broke. It won’t make any difference how much good you are getting from this world or how much you like it. This world as we know it is now passing away.

1 Corinthians 7:29-31 CEV

Cling only to what is real. Ask God to help you know the difference between real and fake.

Learn more about faith.
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Last updated November 26, 2023

Transform Fake Happiness Into Genuine Joy

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Reading time: 3 minutes

You can only be conscious of a few things at any one time. But there are many thoughts and feelings that live beneath the surface. The important ones will attempt to surface, especially the negative and painful ones. Chances are, you’re not excited about allowing them to surface. That’s why you might choose fake happiness instead of genuine joy.

To explain the problems with this situation, I like to use the analogy of a child and a parent. The child wants to express the pain and be comforted. The rational-focused parent says, “not now, I’m busy.” There is definitely a need for the rational parent, because most of the time, it’s not practical or healthy to let a complaining child have full control.

However, “not now” can easily become “never.” It’s easy to procrastinate when uncomfortable feelings are pushing their way to the surface. A balance is needed. The head (the parent) should remain in control, but the head should provide the needed time for the heart (the child) to share its concerns.

Without time to express feelings, a person will become more and more compartmentalized. A small to moderate amount of compartmentalization is helpful when it’s time to be a responsible adult. But the deeper a memory is buried with passing time, the easier it becomes to believe the memory isn’t a part of the real you. And, that’s a dangerous position to be in.

Your personal history shouldn’t be erased because doing so will increase the likelihood of repeating your mistakes. If you can’t remember what you already tried, including how it turned out, you may be doomed to repeat history. Instead, there is another option: transform your personal history through healing and forgiveness.

Everything that happens to you provides an opportunity for you to identify and understand who you are. If you attempt to ignore your memories, you will lose a part of yourself in the process. Every time this happens, you become a little less authentic. That is because buried negative experiences continue to leak lies into your self-image. They poison your self-worth. To heal you must bring the truth in contact with your experiences.

If your primary goal is to be happy, then you might choose to ignore unhappy thoughts and feelings. But this will only lead to the need to invest increased amounts of energy to keep up the appearance of being happy. You’ll have to fake it, and, unless something else changes, there’s no way to “fake it until you make it.” You can’t fake your way into genuine joy.

When you fake your happiness around other people, you’ll likely suffer greater depression when you are once again alone. The size of your problem hasn’t necessarily grown. But you will experience it as more painful because you haven’t been able to share your true feelings with another person.

Happiness will endure so long as your circumstances are positive. The minute you experience a setback, your negative feelings will attempt to surface. However, when you learn how to work through difficult feelings, you learn how to maintain joy regardless of your circumstances.

Compartmentalization is an avoidance technique. It produces an immediate strength to get you through the moment, but left in place, it results in permanent weakness. It’s similar to accepting a numbing agent when you have surgery or dental work. You miss out on the sharp pain while you correct the problem. But it would be dangerous to your health to remain numb forever. Likewise, if fixing the problem is too easy, you might let yourself fall into the same trap again.

As you feel pain in life, try to remain aware of it. Include God in your awareness. You can bring the “child” to the “parent” for true healing. In order to grow stronger and healthier, you must give God access to the weakest, most vulnerable parts of yourself.

If you want to become joyful, make time to be completely honest about how you feel about what has happened in your life. Ask God to help you see the truth.

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