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Archives for August 2020

Self-Care Is Not Selfish Or Sinful

Self-Care Is Not Selfish Or Sinful

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Christians are not supposed to be selfish so they often end up at the other extreme: being self-neglectful. But being selfless doesn’t prevent self-care. You can be content while caring for yourself and others.

Selfishness at its root is wastefulness. Poor stewardship is the misuse of resources. Gluttony is a perfect example of selfishness. People are selfish when they consume more than they need while others don’t get what they need.

The selfish person refuses to do what is helpful and right. He prioritizes his wants over another person’s needs. Selfishness overlaps with pride. A selfish person might throw away good food instead of giving it to those in need. This person is deliberately spiteful or intent on seeing others suffer.

With such a bleak definition, you might think, “I’m not that selfish.” And maybe you’re right. Instead, maybe you are self-neglectful. Would you starve yourself so another can eat? That is just as extreme as letting others starve.

It’s Nearly Impossible to be Content and Selfish

The selfish person can’t be thankful. Being thankful allows you to see the abundance of what you have. Take a moment to consider the excess you have. Most people have well beyond what they need to be happy. Yet, many people aren’t happy. What will it take for you to be happy?

Selfishness can also have a fearful root. I should think only of myself in case something bad happens. True contentment is living with peace in any circumstance. To be selfish is a negative grab for satisfaction. Paul wrote about contentment:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

Contentment is an internal state. You can prefer blue skies over grey skies, but still be content on a cloudy day. Selfishness exists because of discontentment with circumstances. The secret to contentment is knowing what happens when your life ends. Nothing provides greater peace than knowing God has chosen you to be with Him in paradise (Luke 23:43).

It’s Possible to Pursue Self-Care and be Selfless

Because of sin, it’s easy to be selfish. It’s also easy to give others what they want to avoid any uncomfortable conflict (also know as people pleasing). But you can be generous and have healthy boundaries at the same time. You can because self-care isn’t selfish. With God’s help, your motives for giving can be free of resentment, bitterness, or anything negative.

God wants you to be selfless. That means you work toward being a good steward of the resources God has given you. You know the difference between what you need and what you want. You derive your happiness from the abundance of what you already have. You share what you have with those who have need. You give to others only when your giving helps instead of creating further harm. Paul explains how to have the right motivation to give:

So I have decided to ask Titus and the others to spend some time with you before I arrive. This way they can arrange to collect the money you have promised. Then you will have the chance to give because you want to, and not because you feel forced to. Remember this saying, “A few seeds make a small harvest, but a lot of seeds make a big harvest.” Each of you must make up your own mind about how much to give. But don’t feel sorry that you must give and don’t feel that you are forced to give. God loves people who love to give.

2 Corinthians 9:5-7 CEV

When you are focused on God and His kingdom, you can be happy and content whether you are in need or have plenty. You can allow yourself to enjoy the life God has given you.

Learn more about struggling with circumstances.
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Wake Up From A Terrifying Dream

Wake Up From A Terrifying Dream

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Do you remember your dreams? Some people sleep so soundly that they rarely wake up in the middle of a dream. Dreams can help you process your understanding of the world, yourself, and God.

Dreams are interesting. Sometimes they can feel real. They can be wonderful-exciting but they can also be scary-exciting–at least until you wake up from them. How can you tell if you’re in reality or in a story about your reality? Sometimes you can’t see the difference until you wake up. Being awake allows for a greater degree of awareness. Once you’re awake you can do a reality check. “That was so weird. Thank God that was only a dream.”

But even when we are “awake”, we can still be asleep. I am thinking of being spiritually blinded to God’s truth. One day, in heaven, Christians will be fully awake and able to see everything clearly.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

1 Corinthians 13:12 ESV

Seek Truth To Wake Up

The way you understand the world should be constantly changing. As a child, what you experience early on becomes your best understanding of what the world is all about. If that experience was horrible or even neutral, you’ll form that kind of worldview (understanding of the world) and self-image (understanding of yourself).

Until you experience God’s truth, which points you toward God, your understanding will continue to deteriorate. You’ll become more deceived as you continue to live with your vision blurred and darkened. Thank God that He has redeemed us. He is calling us out of the darkness so we can wake up from a bad dream.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

1 Peter 2:9-10 NIV

Having mercy and never receiving mercy are two very different places to be.

Seek Ephiphanies To Wake Up

What you experience becomes truth to you until something more true takes its place. Something totally wrong can feel definitively true. When God gives you a new heart and exposes you to the light, only then can you see the contrast. This experience can be so shocking, it’s hard to discern what is true and what is false. A psychological term for this is cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is good for you. When you struggle to make sense of life, you are experiencing an opportunity to grow–to move further into the light. You should be experiencing epiphanies regularly. Here are some examples:

  • Do you remember the first time you realized that Santa Claus wasn’t real?
  • Have you developed your own worldview, or are you still running off of your parent’s worldview?
  • How does your view of the opposite sex compare to when you were 10 years old?
  • If you’re married, do you remember what you thought marriage was before married?
  • What was your life like before you became a Christian? How do you see God differently now?
  • How has your self-worth changed over the years?

How have you changed in the past year? What has God been doing to help you wake up from your false beliefs? Take a moment to thank God for His light. Ask Him to shine it upon you so you can see more clearly.

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26 NIV

Read more about truth and lies.
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How To Know When To Say No

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Reading time: 3 minutes

You might be more of a people pleaser than you realize. When you are presented with a decision, how often do you discount your opinion with something like, “I can go either way” or “It doesn’t matter to me; you pick”? Or, maybe you disregard your opinion with a “Yes” without considering what you want.

Certainly, there will be times when you are indifferent. Even during these times, it’s nearly always a good idea to know what you want, even if you give up what you want for someone else.

A quick response of indifference might involve the least amount of effort, but it can cost you significantly more later on. Instead, what if you invested the time to know what you want?

The less you know yourself, the harder it is to give a clear, direct answer to even a simple question. When you know yourself well, your answer will be second nature.

You might be wondering, “How do I get to know myself?” There are two main approaches to strengthening your self-image. You can remain reactive or go proactive.

  1. In reactive mode, you stumble through life and only give consideration to your ways when it becomes absolutely required of you (if ever).
  2. In proactive mode, you consider your ways every chance you get. You explore your past and use what you learn to better your future. You take advantage of the fact that God gives you truth about life, including details about who you are.

A step in-between the two modes is trial and error. You essentially try something blindly. Then perhaps as an afterthought, you evaluate the outcome. It’s not completely reactive or proactive.

The superior approach is having an awareness of who you are. Then during any given moment, you can proactively choose how to act based on what you know about yourself. God wants you to live a self-examined life (see Haggai 1).

Essential to every approach is what you do with your experiences. God gives you a process to discover your identity (who you are as defined by God). The goal is to increase the awareness of your identity so that decisions become easier over time.

If you have trouble people-pleasing or making good decisions, that’s usually because you don’t know yourself well enough. Learning who you are can occur “on accident,” but knowing yourself will take much longer that way.

Instead, take the time to evaluate your experiences and weed out the lies that are growing in the garden of your self-image. With the clutter of lies cleared away, you’ll know more clearly whether you want to say yes or no.

For example: if you don’t know who you are very well, then you might end up with an over-booked schedule. You’ll wonder why you are tired and irritable. If you continue to ignore your God-given identity, you’ll assume you are doing what God wants you to be doing because you are serving others.

In contrast, with healthy boundaries that come from a healthy identity, you’ll be confident about where to draw the line. You can say yes to some activities and no to others without feeling guilty or overwhelmed.

Some things God requires of you. You should feel motivated to do right and not wrong. But actually, most things are up to you. God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7). You can decide to go for a walk or stay home. You can decide to visit a friend or be by yourself. For these decisions, you must trust that God gives you enough intelligence to choose.

You can know what to choose by determining what level of self-care you need at any given moment. Then weigh that against the needs of others around you.

You might be surprised at your preferences when you discover them, but they are never a surprise to God. God knows what you will choose before you choose it. Trust that God gave you a built-in preference system–that’s your identity.

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Are You Super Needy Or Not Needy Enough?

Are You Super Needy Or Not Needy Enough?

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Hyper-focusing on problems (being too needy) can be detrimental. It can generate mistrust and anxiety. But denial (not being needy enough) is deadly. If you don’t know that you are sick or you won’t face that you are sick, you won’t seek the remedy you need.

How far should you go to question your emotional and spiritual health? If you don’t go far enough, you’re still in denial. If you go too far, you stop trusting God will take care of you.

It’s even possible to make a serious attempt to put off denial but still remain in denial. What you don’t know, you don’t know. The problem with these two unhealthy extremes is they bypass trusting God. God wants you to skip both worry and denial.

What is Too Needy?

Being too needy means you express more need than is healthy. This is another way of saying that you lack the security to trust. The extra expression manifests as pure worry. Worry is a too-activated conscience.

You could constantly worry about whether you’re missing something. For example, maybe you still have an unconfessed sin that you need to find. You feel like you need more help than even Jesus can provide.

What is Not Needy Enough?

When you are not needy, you fail to register your needs. This is another way of saying that you’ve given up hope that your needs will be met. You might feel numb or nothing at all. Denial is a too-under-activated conscience.

You could completely deny that you have any problems. For example, you’re unwilling to consider you need help. Everything is fine. You don’t need any help.

What is the Right Amount of Being Needy?

Neediness is not the problem. God designed us to be needy. You can be super needy and healthy at the same time. What you do with your emotional longings makes all the difference.

To counteract the extremes you need two healthy spiritual attitudes:

  1. “Jesus is sufficient help.” Jesus has the power to fully address whatever problems you face. This belief will counter an anxious response.
  2. “I need help.” Left to yourself, you realize you wouldn’t make it very far. This belief will counter denial.

Scripture speaks on both of these attitudes:

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.

Psalm 46:1 NLT

When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”

Mark 2:17 NLT

You can admit you need help, without becoming helpless. You can be in need, but not hopeless. This is a posture of waiting expectantly.

Ask God to help you see where you are sick. Unless you see, you won’t be in a position to receive God’s healing and even His blessings. Try a prayer based on Matthew 11:25 like this:

God, help me to understand my deepest needs. You keep the secrets of your kingdom hidden from the prideful but reveal them to children. Open my eyes to the wonder of who you are and who I am.

At that time Jesus prayed this prayer: “O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding these things from those who think themselves wise and clever, and for revealing them to the childlike.

Matthew 11:25 NLT

To receive the benefits of this prayer, see yourself as needy enough to receive God’s blessings, but not so needy that you believe God won’t bother to answer your cry for help.

More help for feeling rejected.
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Last updated 2022/10/30

God Will Deliver You From Failure

God Will Deliver You From Failure

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Failure would be a death sentence if it were not for God’s mercy. Many people struggle with believing that their failure leaves a fatal mark that limits their potential. If you think you’ve failed, you might believe something like:

  • I’ll always mess up God’s plans.
  • There’s no hope for me now.
  • I’ll wear this scar for the rest of my life.
  • That was my last chance.
  • God will never forgive me.
  • My best will never be good enough.
  • God is going to send me to hell.
  • I’ll never recover from this.
  • There’s no use trying again.

For Christians to believe any of these statements, they must be deceived. Every one of them has something false about it. What Jesus has done for believers removes the permanence of these statements and breathes hope into the hopeless, life into the lifeless.

Failure From the World’s Perspective

A worldly definition of failure distorts God by emphasizing two extreme responses. People are forever condemned or always excused without consequence. These miss God’s heart because they throw out His mercy or justice.

Without God’s mercy, we would all be perpetually caught in shame. The unbearable feelings of self-condemnation and self-loathing weigh heavily without any way of escape. People attempt to cope by utilizing perfectionism or apathy to avoid the feelings of falling short.

Without God’s justice, we can become lulled into a false sense of security. The prideful presumption that there will never be a reckoning for our attitudes and choices might soothe the conscience today but does nothing to prevent the condemnation tomorrow. People attempt to cope by utilizing relativism to discount the seriousness of God’s absolute standards.

    Sin is probably the best definition of failure. It completely misses what God wants for us. Without God, we are defective because of sin. However, God, because of His love, has stripped sin of its power and permanent consequences. So it does not have a significant lasting effect for believers.

    Failure From God’s Perspective

    Let’s reconsider the definition of failure, but include God this time. A worst-case definition of failure considers it to be a temporary setback. That’s because God works for our ultimate good. We are on the same side.

    Failure implies finality. But because God is an eternal being, endings do not exist for Him. Any moment in time is not the final word on your situation.

    Failure implies hopelessness. But God is an endless supply of hope. Nothing can defeat God. Nothing can defeat God’s plans. Nothing can defeat God’s people.

    Failure implies permanent loss. But God restores and heals, often while we are yet in this life. That’s possible because knowing Him means knowing boundless hope.

    Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

    Lamentations 3:21-23

    We can always learn from our experiences, even if they seem like abysmal failures. God is ready to give us another chance. We can start again in a stronger position.

    I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

    Psalm 34:4-7 NIV

    So you can see that you will have trouble, but God will deliver you. He will deliver you from evil. He looks beyond failure to your eternal potential in Jesus Christ. For other verses that support God’s grace and hope, see Isaiah 40:31, Romans 5:5, Psalm 33:18, and Jeremiah 29:11.

    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

    Romans 15:13 NIV

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    Last updated 2025/02/02