If you understand what is happening, you have found an optimized path to an improved situation. In contrast, a lack of understanding only multiplies uncertainty. When aiming at a target, the greater the error in the sighting, the greater the chance of missing the bullseye. Understanding greatly increases the odds of hitting the solution target.
This applies to almost anything, but it especially applies to relationships. Communication must be sincere, honest, and accurate if the goal is increasing closeness. The more you can’t see what is going on in a person, the more directionless and powerless you can feel. Furthermore, if you cannot trust God, the odds increase that you will respond to your situation with frustration or even folly.
What is Understanding?
Understanding, wisdom, and insight are essentially the same thing. They all mean seeing reality as it is, without distortions or denial. Insight means “see inside.” When you can see behind the scenes, you will know intimately how the product is produced.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight.
Proverbs 4:7 ESV
Understanding in this sense is a “spoiler”. Once you know the secret to the sauce, it loses some of its mystery. But as we gain insight, we become more like God. We don’t only consume the sauce, we can also replicate the recipe and teach it to others.
What is Lack of Understanding?
A fool doesn’t want more knowledge, doesn’t care about how life works, and rejects absolute truth, favoring his subjective reality instead. He is filled with denial and wishful thinking. How can a person become this way?
Lack of Humility
Learning the truth requires the humility to accept correction. The humble person can say, “Yes, I got that wrong. I can see more clearly now.”
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
Proverbs 18:2 ESV
This person cannot repent or make real changes. Any attempts to reason with him result only in frustration from a no-win situation.
Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Proverbs 26:4-5 NIV
or you yourself will be just like him.
Answer a fool according to his folly,
or he will be wise in his own eyes.
Lack of Self-Control
The person who can see the reasons for another’s behavior will generally be more patient with him. A fool doesn’t want understanding, so he is limited to exploding in anger.
Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
Proverbs 14:29 ESV
The person with self-control can avoid unproductive anger. It’s possible because of his insight. He can see that uncontrolled anger is destructive and it does nothing to help another struggling person.
Ignorance Will Lead to Repeated Pain
A lack of discernment can lead a person to make regrettable decisions. Wise people can learn from their mistakes, but foolish people will only dig in deeper. In this sense, regret can be a sign of wisdom.
Like an archer who wounds everyone
Proverbs 26:10-11 ESV
is one who hires a passing fool or drunkard.
Like a dog that returns to his vomit
is a fool who repeats his folly.
The archer does not discriminate between friend and foe; he shoots without a clear target. The fool enjoys the chaos he creates; he has no room for remorse (Proverbs 29:9).
In relationships, don’t be the person who shoots off his mouth without considering the consequences of his words, but neither be the person who causes harm and refuses to be accountable for his actions.
Understanding Provides Clear Options
Understanding maps out how to set boundaries and make decisions. Conflict can often be simplified into options, and options can be negotiated to find an optimal solution. No one likes the frustration of feeling stuck; insight provides a way forward.
Consider how this plays out in a common marriage conflict: deciding whether to buy a new car.
- Without Understanding: The conversation stays on the surface. One spouse demands a brand-new car; the other looks at the bank account and panics. The debate becomes an argument over dollars, control, or entitlement. One person feels dismissed; the other feels financially threatened. Both end up angry because neither is addressing what is actually going on.
- With Understanding: You look past the surface demand to find the underlying need and motivation (often hurt) behind it. You ask with genuine curiosity, “What would it mean to you if we did it your way?”
This simple question invites insight. Suddenly, you aren’t arguing about a vehicle anymore. You hear the heart behind the demand:
I’ve driven unreliable hand-me-downs my whole life. The last three cars I had broke down on the highway, and I felt helpless. I want a new car because I want peace of mind, and I’m willing to keep it for ten years.
Once you understand that the core issue is security and relief from stress—not flashy materialism—the options open up:
- Negotiate a Creative Solution: You might not afford a brand-new car, but understanding allows you to solve the real problem together. You might look at a highly rated, low-mileage certified pre-owned car with a warranty that satisfies the need for reliability while protecting the budget.
- Set a Calm, Firm Boundary: If the demand remains rigid (unreasonable, unrealistic, or unfair) despite financial reality, understanding still protects you. You recognize that yielding would cause financial harm, but because you understand their perspective, you don’t have to respond with harshness. You can respond with calm empathy:
I hear how much peace of mind a new car would bring you, but our budget simply won’t support that payment right now. Let’s build a dedicated savings plan so we can get there safely.
Buying a car won’t heal a broken heart, but uncovering the root desire changes the dynamic from a power struggle into a joint problem-solving exercise. Ultimately, conflict resolution is most fruitful when emotional needs for worth and security are grounded in the truth of the Gospel rather than material things.
Learn more about healing relationships.
Last updated 20260726
