Healing

Proactively Pull Triggers to Prevent Pushing Buttons

January 22, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

I have been triggered. You pushed my buttons.

Why are you angry so often? Stop doing things that make me angry.

How often do you hear or say these phrases? Being triggered has the idea of releasing a trap. Unresolved emotional wounds are like a set trip wire. When someone stumbles across the wire, it creates an unpleasant chain reaction.

After becoming triggered, some people spiral inward. They become deeply discouraged. Others spiral outward. They attack whoever is closest to them. The Bible has some helpful alternatives.

Be Responsible for your Triggers

Whether a person accidentally or on purpose trips your trigger, you are fully responsible for your behaviors. In the moment, it might seem like the other person is responsible. After all, everything was fine until they came along. But the condition of your heart is your responsibility. God wants each of us to accept responsibility and work toward becoming more confident in who we are.

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:5 ESV

The more confidence people have, the less they depend on others for happiness. Or, put another way: the more people depend on God for happiness, the more confident they will be, no matter how others behave.

Most people don’t set traps for other people. But just by existing, we have vulnerabilities that can result in strong reactions for even small offenses. Being triggered means that a weakness has been exposed. When it happens spontaneously, it can catch a person off guard. This can result in a swift protective cover-up.

No one likes to feel ashamed. Shame is a feeling resulting from a belief that you are defective and there is no cure.

Instead of waiting for someone to come along and step on your toes, why not proactively take care of your emotional wounds? Some vulnerability is good, allowing people to be close to other people and God. But other vulnerabilities can make you an easy target. You can take steps to disarm your triggers by becoming increasingly aware of your weaknesses.

Be Aware of Others’ Buttons

No one is perfect. Most people are doing the best they can, not trying to intentionally lay a trap for you. Even so, stumbling into someone else’s ignorance, sin, or foolishness probably will not be a pleasant experience. Know your limitations, but also be aware of others’ limits. Just because something isn’t your fault, doesn’t mean it won’t be excruciatingly painful or difficult.

It is safer to meet a bear robbed of her cubs
than to confront a fool caught in foolishness.
Proverbs 17:12 NLT

Even when people are trying their best, they can make a mess of things. You can be involved, but you should be prepared to manage the consequences of your involvement.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:1-2 ESV

The problem may originate with someone else, but it can quickly become your problem too. The more you are capable of letting go of the offense, the more you will keep yourself free from the trap.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8 ESV

No one owes you anything, at least not in any way that you can practically enforce it. Anything good we have is ultimately a gift from God. No matter how you become hurt, whether by your sin or another’s, only God has the power to heal you.

3 Signs Of A Healthy Emotional Life

November 13, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

No one likes to feel pain but facing pain is the only way to a healthy emotional life. Everyone has some uncomfortable memories. It’s never fun to remember them, but it is rewarding. Those who don’t face them leave a minefield of suffering waiting to be triggered.

Here are three ways you can know you are emotionally healthy.

Healthy Sign #1: You Can Recall Memories From Various Ages

If you feel fine today, but don’t want to revisit memories because they are too painful, you aren’t as emotionally healthy as you could be.

I believe Jesus has access to all of His life experiences, including His years growing up as a child. God doesn’t forget anything (except perhaps our sin when He forgives). An emotionally healthy person can easily access important memories and can review them for encouragement. Even painfully traumatic memories, once healed, become a source of encouragement.

At any given moment you might want to gain encouragement from a memory that is related to what you are presently going through. It’s important that you have many such memories, even if they were nasty and are healed today, rather than only a minefield of pain.

The healing process involves scanning through your life to find the mines, disarm them, and plant something better like a tree. The more healing you have, the more you can look back and see a forest of encouragement. Even though the trees are from different times, you can see them as one forest–a place where you’d want to take a hike.

Healthy Sign #2: God is More Important than Anything or Anyone Else

If you value your job, parent, friend, spouse, pet, or anything else more than God, you aren’t as emotionally healthy as you could be.

The healthy person trusts God with their life. If you can’t trust God, you aren’t as emotionally healthy as you could be. Trauma can result in feeling betrayed by God. Why didn’t God prevent this horrible thing from happening?

Trusting others more than God is a sign of priorities being out of order. If you lose something you value more than God, it can create a barrier between you and God. In this case, you’ll be angry at God because He allowed you to lose.

But, there are some things you can never lose, if you can keep your trust (your faith) in God. When you trust God, life doesn’t have to be fair or even make sense for you to feel at peace. You’ll be at peace if you can let God do the heavy lifting regarding your quality of life.

God has a purpose for your life. It works out better if you can let Him evaluate your life. You can do the best you know how, but it’s up to God to use your efforts for His purposes.

Jesus soon saw a huge crowd of people coming to look for him. Turning to Philip, he asked, “Where can we buy bread to feed all these people?” He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.

Philip replied, “Even if we worked for months, we wouldn’t have enough money to feed them!”

Then Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up. “There’s a young boy here with five barley loaves and two fish. But what good is that with this huge crowd?”

“Tell everyone to sit down,” Jesus said. So they all sat down on the grassy slopes. (The men alone numbered about 5,000.) Then Jesus took the loaves, gave thanks to God, and distributed them to the people. Afterward he did the same with the fish. And they all ate as much as they wanted.
John 6:5-11 NLT

God already knows what He is going to do with your life.

Healthy Sign #3: You Know Who You Are

If you have to ask your spouse, ‘What’s my favorite _________?’, you aren’t as emotionally healthy as you could be.

To be healthy, you must know yourself. What opinions do you have? What do you like? What do you dislike?

To be healthy, you must be able to stand on your own, even when others seem to be against you. This has to include people who are supposed to be on your side. Sometimes, due to their own weakness, people will fail you.

But if you’ve done the work to heal and you’ve made God most important and you trust Him, you will survive the criticism, betrayal, and nastiness. Jesus did. So you can too.

Read more about trust.
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Move Beyond Depression Guaranteed

October 23, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

The recipe for deep depression is a combination of pain and hopelessness. Without pain, hopelessness has no teeth. Suffering becomes avoidable. With hope, pain can be endured. Here also suffering becomes avoidable. A person can’t be joyful without hope.

Isolation Increases Depression

David describes the potential for his depression as involving not hearing from God. In Psalm 28, he uses “pit” as a place of utter despair.

To you, O Lord, I call;
my rock, be not deaf to me,
lest, if you be silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Psalm 28:1 ESV

The bottom of a pit is a lonely place. It is easy to feel forgotten. Despair increases when circumstances are hopeless. It’s easy to self-harm when discouragement dominates. In this context, self-harm means believing increasingly negative thoughts such as:

I’ll never get out of this (pit).
I’m not worth saving.
God has me here for a reason and that reason is He is against me.
God has abandoned me.
I’m a terrible person.

This kind of thinking only makes a bad situation (potentially avoidable) worse (appearing unavoidable).

Sometimes God will improve circumstances relatively quickly. Maybe you lose your job, but find one within a couple of weeks. Perhaps you find yourself in and out of trouble before you have time to worry. God is gracious and merciful. He preserves and protects those He loves from danger–both deserved and undeserved consequences.

Such mercy is normal in the sense that God prevents us from receiving what we deserve. He is constantly doing this. Jesus is never not interceding on our behalf before God. If He wasn’t, every moment of our lives would be full of despair. Yet, in another sense, life can be full of heartache. Everyone is suffering on some level.

Some suffering is avoidable while another suffering is unavoidable. Suffering has a purpose; depression is one response to it, but there is another.

Connection Reverses Depression

If depression intensifies with pain and despair, then the absence of pain and the presence of hope would certainly alleviate sadness. How do we get from one to the other? How can someone climb out of a pit? Sometimes God might teleport you to the surface, but quite often He rather chooses a more organic process: grief.

Having someone hear your cry is the path out of depression.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
    out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
    making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3 ESV

And, what is grief, but crying out to someone who will listen? Grief is an expression of pain in the midst of hope. The way out is rarely painless, but it must be full of hope. Without hope, an attempt to grieve will only dig the pit of despair deeper. Sadness begets more sadness. That’s why sometimes focusing on the positives helps. While it can help, it doesn’t fully address the real problem of suffering.

Grief is more a struggle than it is suffering. It’s a struggle forward or up out of avoidable suffering. When you declare your circumstances as unacceptable, you leave no room for patiently waiting on the Lord. Grieving reorients your perspective until you find acceptance.

When you are grieving, you are moving up out of the pit. Your direction is toward God, toward joy. When you are despairing, you are moving deeper down in the pit. Your direction is away from the light and toward the darkness.

Your direction is more important than your exact location especially when you know you have God’s ear. The next time you are depressed, express your suffering to God and He will lift you out of the pit. If you need help with this, consider professional Christian counseling.

Supercharge Growth With 5 Therapy Goals

October 9, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

People choose counseling to improve their lives. To grow requires completing the transition from childhood to adulthood. Children lack the ability or initiative to choose for themselves. True adults initiate decisions and learn from the consequences of their choices.

In all the years I’ve provided counseling to others, I’ve observed five core concepts that advance this growth process into adulthood.

Grow by Defining What is Meaningful

Whatever you are doing must be meaningful in some way. Another word for meaningful is worthwhile. So, here is a good question to explore: What makes your life worth living?

If you are unhappy with life, maybe it’s because you aren’t paying attention to what you find meaningful. Life is short; you might as well spend it in the most meaningful way possible.

Whatever problems you are facing, try taking a step back from them, then refocus on what would make life worth living.

Grow by Learning to be Self-Directed

One way to measure maturity is to look at how internally motivated you are. But before you can be self-directed, you first need to be self-aware.

To be internally motivated means to have as your end goal becoming true to who God made you to be. For this, you need to know what you were created for. Then, you can direct your activity in the most efficient way possible to reach your goals.

External motivation is the opposite; it has the potential to create internal or external conflict. That’s because the motivation to act comes from someone else who doesn’t know what it is like to be you.

An extreme example of this might be the now infamous If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about. People don’t like to be told what to do, at least not without having the opportunity to evaluate the options for themselves.

Children aren’t mature enough to be internally motivated. They don’t know themselves, so they can’t be the best decisions for themselves. Instead, they must rely on their parents. Unfortunately, parents don’t always know what is best either. Responsible people grow in their ability to make their own decisions.

Grow by Learning Your Abilities

Self-awareness grows with age when people invest the time to learn how God made them. You have strengths that God intends for you to use for the good of His kingdom. To grow in your identity, you must be able to see what you already have–your abilities–and strengthen them.

Grow by Learning Your Wounds

Another area for self-awareness is to understand how you have been hurt. To grow in your identity, you must also be able to see what is missing–your wounds–and approach God to allow Him to make up for what you have lost. You can heal if you can replace or replenish what you never received in the first place.

Grow by Purifying Your Desires

Desires are one way that people are different from any other aspect of creation, whether we consider other living creatures like animals or inanimate objects like computers or robots.

What you desire becomes your motivation. Desires can be life-giving, corrupt, or somewhere in between. They can lead you down a productive path or a destructive path. Therefore, it’s important to be self-aware of your longings.

Most of the time, what you want isn’t bad in itself. Usually, the problem is with what you’d be willing to sacrifice to gain what you want. The story of Cain and Able is a simple, but extreme, example.

“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”
Genesis 4:6-7 NLT

Cain wanted acceptance. Instead of the right path of seeking God, he chose the destructive path of killing his brother. Corrupt desires lead to destruction. But purified desires make a person unstoppable in pursuing God’s will.

The ability to discern what type of desire you are dealing with takes time to develop. First, you must desire to know about your desires. Then you must sort through your valid longings and sinful longings to know the difference. Valid longings are those you can express but they also require the patience to let them be met as God sees fit. Sinful longings are destructive when they become a demand that must be met immediately.

People might want to eat a sandwich, but can they wait in line until it is their turn? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to eat, but what about the person who is willing to push people aside, or even kill them, to get to the front of the line?

Most people wouldn’t go to such an extreme. Yet many people will go to the opposite extreme. They might leave the line altogether, believing they are unworthy of good things, and so starve themselves of the very things that God wants them to have.

Seek to understand your longings and have God purify your desires. If you need help with any of this, consider a Christian counselor.

Learn more about desires.
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Use Your Inspiring Identity For Good

September 25, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Your identity is God’s gift to you so you can enjoy God and His creation. God also made you for others’ benefit. So, what good is your identity if you keep it hidden?

No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.
Matthew 5:15 NLT

This verse made its way into a children’s song: This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. Hide it under a bushel? No!

Everyone is made in God’s image. Believers have the Holy Spirit as a permanent dwelling companion. This qualifies all believers to come out of hiding. You have a light to shine.

Are You Afraid of Your Own Identity?

Often though, people are afraid of what will happen if they stay true to who they are.

I can’t tell my husband how I really feel. It would hurt his feelings.
I can’t take that promotion. Mark has worked here longer than I have.
I can’t tell my friend I don’t want to be in her wedding.
I can’t tell my neighbor his dog is too loud.

If you aren’t living up to your God-given potential, then you aren’t fulfilling God’s plan for your life. Likewise, if you aren’t being emotionally honest, you are minimizing your impact because of shame, or fear of rejection.

What you say or do will have an impact on someone. That’s what it means to be a person. You can’t be a healthy person and avoid that. God intends for you to use your identity to make a difference in the lives of others. But this can only be done without pretense.

Yet, many people struggle with being genuine. This is understandable because the problem of what to reveal to others can be complicated. While we all need a place where we can be as transparent as we need to be, there are also times when the people in our lives aren’t ready for it.

Do You Respect Others’ Identities?

What if being who we are would cause someone else pain? Paul addresses this in the context of faith.

Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall. You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right.
Romans 14:13,22 NLT

There are situations where God would have us keep our convictions to ourselves. We aren’t supposed to force our convictions onto another believer. We aren’t supposed to condemn or judge another believer in areas left to personal opinion.

While everyone has an ideal identity, we are all works in progress. In some areas, your friend might have a weaker understanding of their identity in Christ. In other areas, you might not understand the freedom that you have.

Even for ourselves, if we have doubts about a particular belief or action, we should seek clarity before taking action. God wants to act according to the faith we have. Faith is the road one must travel in order to please God (Romans 12:3, Hebrews 11:6).

For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.
Romans 14:23 ESV

To further complicate matters, perhaps, as a child, you heard your parent tell you:

If you don’t have anything nice to say, it’s better to not say anything at all.

And, Jesus says that we are to:

Treat others how you would want them to treat you (Luke 6:31).

Can You Act With a Confident Identity?

How then can a person follow these seemingly opposing principles:

Be emotionally honest with what is in your heart.
Don’t cause others to stumble.

The right approach is determined by:

Who you talk to
How you tell them and how much you tell them
What the consequences are for speaking or remaining silent

There’s a difference between staying true to your identity and condemning someone because of your beliefs. God wants you to be true to Him first, then true to yourself. But He also commands us to not pass judgment on someone because of their convictions (Romans 14:3).

Condemning someone for their beliefs is outsides the bounds of the authority God gives us. It’s up to God to approve or disapprove (Romans 14:4). But sharing your heart within an intimate relationship such as marriage is another situation entirely. Emotional healing can take place only when we share transparently what is in our hearts.

Suppose a person is married with children. This person feels stress from being a parent to young children. If you were this person, what could you do to stay true to your identity while not harming others? Evaluate the situation by determining the context.

Who: Expecting young children to understand stress is unrealistic and it could burden them with something that isn’t their responsibility or problem. Instead, you can talk to your spouse, friend, or counselor.
How: Tell your children in non-blaming age-appropriate language. “I need a break. Your grandparents are going to watch you for a while.”
What: This comes down to how stressed you are. If a good night’s rest will take care of it, then maybe you don’t need to do anything else.

Suppose instead that you aren’t feeling attracted to your spouse anymore. What could you do?

Who: Expecting your spouse to listen to your feelings about this is reasonable and necessary to improve the relationship. Are they in a position to handle it right now? Speak to them directly if possible, otherwise temporarily consider a friend or counselor.
How: Be clear and sincere. If you want a better relationship realize it can take time to work through all the issues. It’s important to stay committed to the process. Seek to understand and be understood before you seek a solution.
What: Silence doesn’t seem like an option. How can you have a fulfilling, intimate relationship if you can’t be honest? It’s the honesty that can lead to greater intimacy.

The key to resolving difficult scenarios like these is to realize that honesty is the first step in finding a resolution. Other people can’t help with your problems if they don’t know about them. Yes, they might not always like what you are saying, but hiding the problem is never a helpful strategy. Shame is a problem; hiding can feel better, but finding acceptance is the solution.

Hiding denies the problem which only allows it to grow. Facing the problem, with faith, God’s help, and others’ help might be unpleasant at first, but it always allows for the best possible outcome.

Allowing others to see you as you really are will be a priceless gift. If done with humility, it can inspire hope because of the testimony of how God will be able to heal your heart.

Meaning And Pleasure Are Surprising Related

July 31, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Would you rather your life be meaningful or enjoyable? That’s a tough choice, isn’t it? What if you could have both? Actually, I believe you can’t have one without the other. A life that isn’t meaningful can’t be enjoyable for very long. Likewise, a life that isn’t enjoyable can’t be meaningful for very long.

What Makes Life Meaningful?

Something is meaningful if it has enough depth to last beyond the present moment. A mosquito might buzz by your ear. Then it’s forgotten. But if a butterfly lands on your arm, pauses, and then flies away, that is more remarkable. What you remember is certainly meaningful to you.

If you spend your whole life working, you might accomplish something at first, but it won’t be sustainable. All work and no play is dehumanizing. We aren’t machines.

Contributing without consuming doesn’t remain productive for long. There is only so much your efforts are meant to accomplish. There is only so much you can do. Working harder can’t make up for what only God can do. After that, any more effort is only wasted effort. Working more hours becomes a distraction rather than an essential part of life.

Meaning also comes from recognizing that God is in control. He is the one flying the plane. He is the one keeping it in the air. We are passengers. But this doesn’t mean we should be passive. Meaning comes from what you can contribute, up to a point.

Unless the Lord builds the house,
the builders labor in vain.
Psalm 127:1 NIV

What Makes Life Pleasurable?

God’s definition of pleasure is different than the world’s. The world defines pleasure as feeling good in the moment. It’s the opposite of meaningful. Worldly pleasure is quickly forgotten. God-created pleasure is also inspirational and hopeful.

If you spend your whole life seeking worldly pleasure, you might have fun at first, but it won’t be sustainable. Consuming without contributing doesn’t remain fun for long. Fun for fun’s sake lacks depth. A life without meaning will be empty.

Enjoying life in God’s way adds meaning. It reminds us that life is worth living. That’s priceless. There are times when there is nothing left to do… when additional efforts don’t help. In those moments, the best we can do is trust God to handle life’s challenges and find ways to continue enjoying life.

Working hard to know God and carry out the part of His plan that He has delegated to us is a pleasurable activity. Nothing is more meaningful than playing a part in fulfilling God’s plans.

Enhance Meaning by Resting and Trusting in God

What makes life worth living? Knowing you have significance is near the top of the list. What you do matters. But it’s more than that. What happens to you also matters. God cares about what happens to us. To think He doesn’t is to give up all hope.

Both work and pleasure are meaningless unless they are first inspired by God. The combined efforts of God and believers are a true accomplishment (John 4:30-34).

A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?
Ecclesiastes 2:24-25 NIV

We can’t make anything last beyond this moment without God (John 15:5). Enjoying your work is also impossible without God.

I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Ecclesiates 3:12-14 NIV

Relying too much on ability and too little on God can shift your ability from a strength to a weakness. If you want to enter into God’s rest, then don’t push yourself to accomplish more than your Maker intends. Work hard. Stress less. Enjoy life. Leave the rest to God.

More about working hard and enjoying life.
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