Emotional Honesty

Worry Less Trust More

April 25, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

Worry and anxiety are pretty much the same. Spiritually speaking, they both are rooted in fear which is essentially an inability to trust God no matter what.

Life brings many situations that challenge our ability to trust God. What can you do to worry less and trust more?

Worry Less By Focusing On The Present Moment

When you worry, you are looking too far ahead into the future. All of us would like to know the future. But it can interfere with your faith. If you could only have one or the other, God would always prefer you maintain your faith (your trust) in Him instead of knowing anything about the future.

How far into the future is too far to be looking? For some people or in some situations looking 100 years might be too far. But others can stir up anxiety even by looking 100 seconds. Where you focus is more important than how far ahead you look. If you try to find security somewhere out into the future, you will never find it because you will miss that God is with you in the present.

If you want to worry less, then reduce how far you are looking ahead until you reclaim a sense of peace. Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow (the future). Each day (the present) has enough to occupy you. If even the events of later in the day concern you, focus on the present moment. At this very second, there’s not a whole lot to be concerned about. Take one day (one moment, one second) at a time.

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:27,34 NIV

If you find yourself saying, “yes, but…” about something that’s going to be happening or needs to happen, then you’ve already shifted your focus away from the present and onto a future moment. If you want to experience peace instead of stress, stop and recenter yourself back to the present.

Worry Less By Surrendering All Outcomes to God

You might be having an awesome day and find it easy to trust God. You might be having a horrible day, month, or year but God would have you trust Him the same. Nothing should come between you and God. Bad luck? Nope. Evil? Nope. Disease? Nope. Your health? Nope. Your very life? Nope. See Romans 8:31-39 for more on this.

It’s easy to value your life more than God. If you suffer a serious illness, your very existence is threatened. Or is it? It really depends upon your perspective. As a believer, you’re going to live forever. Do you allow God to determine how long you will live in this life? Or are you wringing your hands trying to figure out how to squeeze another hour out of it?

It’s easy to care about what happens in this life because it’s all we know. Or is it? As a believer, you have the Holy Spirit. So you have a taste of heaven today. Right now you can sense the goodness of heavenly living.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

Do what is reasonable for each day to move your life forward. Leave the rest up to God (by praying and letting it go). If you find yourself panicking because of one thing or another, stop trying to be God: reduce what is on your plate. You weren’t meant to save the world. God sent Jesus for that!

Read more about trusting God.
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How To Ensure Your Empathy Is Healthy

November 7, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

Have you ever taken on someone’s pain as if it were your own? How about feeling the same way someone else is feeling? Only one of those is healthy empathy.

The primary difference between healthy and unhealthy empathy depends on how much self-awareness you have.

While listening to someone, the more you lose touch with your opinions, desires, and needs, the more likely you have an undeveloped sense of self. Some people might object by pointing out that good, empathetic listening means the listener forgets about their perspective. That is true. But it must remain a choice to de-emphasis one’s desires in favor of another’s. The unhealthy alternative is to default to what another wants because you have no idea what you want, or worse, you avoid exploring what you want.

The choice to focus on another must be positive. If you focus on another but harbor resentment or build up irritation, your empathy probably isn’t healthy. If you feel empty inside and have never really taken the time to understand your needs, your empathy probably isn’t healthy.

If you focus on another, feel pain, and think it is their pain, you might be deceiving yourself. Without a developed sense of your identity, it’s easy to become confused about whose pain you are feeling. In reality, any pain you feel is your own.

Identity Guides You To Healthy Empathy

Whenever you are relating to another, keep one foot planted firmly in who you are and the other reaching out to the person who needs help. It can be difficult to do this perfectly, so you might temporarily (for a few minutes) lose touch with your identity. When you become confused by taking on other’s pain as if it were yours, ask yourself questions like:

Who am I?
How do I feel about what the other person is going through?
What part of my life reminds me of the other person’s pain? Often, you can be focused on another person’s pain, but are really feeling pain from your own life.
How have the difficult life situations I’ve been through taught me to surrender (or perhaps “forget”) who I am when I’m around other people?
What are my limits when it comes to experiencing someone else’s raw pain?

If you lose yourself while focusing on someone else, then you are already past your limit. When you reach your limit, you should excuse yourself from the conversation until you regain your strength (your sense of self).

When you take on another’s pain, it probably means you are needing self-care or someone to care for you. If you continue to help another person without a sense of who you are, you are leaving yourself in a state of self-abuse, and you won’t be much help to someone like that. It doesn’t work to abandon yourself in order to help someone else.

Ownership and Responsibility Guide You To Healthy Empathy

Women are usually better at empathizing with others, but healthy is healthy. Everyone needs to be fully willing to feel and respond to their own pain.

Consider a wife who is listening to her husband. No matter how much she cares and wants to help him with his pain, she can’t work through his pain for him. It’s his pain. Only he can do something about it. She can help by listening, but his pain is still his responsibility. In this sense, the pain only multiplies. If her husband chooses to deny or disown some of his pain, his wife can’t make the situation better by taking on more pain. The increased pain she might feel doesn’t directly reduce her husband’s pain.

Self-Care Guides You To Healthy Empathy

If after you’ve been listening to someone, you notice that you have lingering pain, realize it’s your pain, not the other’s pain. You have some issues to work through, so it’s time to focus exclusively on yourself. If you lose touch with yourself while trying to be empathetic, you should be able to get back to yourself in minutes, not days or weeks.

To help you connect with yourself, you might try journaling your feelings and answering questions like the ones listed earlier and these:

What do I need to help the pain in my life?
Who do I have to listen to me?

Healthy empathy is knowing what it feels like to walk in someone’s shoes and communicating it to them without judging them. Unhealthy empathy would be wearing someone else’s shoes and thinking that they are your shoes.

Should Feelings Be Trusted Or Discounted?

August 31, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Feelings are God-given and helpful. They should always be considered and used to make decisions. But the way they are used makes all the difference. Feelings should always be acted upon, but discernment is necessary to know how to act. Do not ignore feelings, but do not consider them to have absolute authority either.

Impulsivity and Feelings Do Not Mix Well

One way to view feelings is as an impulse. An impulse is feedback gained over a very short period. Therefore, it can be highly unreliable. Doing something on impulse means taking action without first reflecting on its consequences. The result will be extremely variable. They could be disastrous, wonderful, or anywhere in between.

Impulse shopping often leads to buyer’s remorse. We’ve all been there. And there is a place and time to act impulsively–within predetermined limits, acting impulsively is how we have fun. It’s the lack of limitation that creates significant problems.

Imagine feeling incredibly sad, not knowing why, and acting in the first way that comes to mind. Our first instinct will be to act according to our conditioned response (habits). Unfortunately, that action is usually destructive rather than constructive. The result might mean feeling good at first but suffering even more later because of it.

Discernment and Feelings Are a Perfect Match

When should you trust your feelings? When should you not? God gave us feelings for a reason. But it’s up to us to learn how to use them for gain rather than loss.

To use a feeling for good, the first step is to identify what the feeling means. What is the feeling communicating about your condition? For example, if you are feeling sad, stop and figure out why before you act. There can be numerous reasons why you feel sad, each one having its optimal response.

Consider the following reasons and how your optimal response might be different for each one:

A loved one recently died.
You are lonely.
You recently went through a divorce.
Your favorite food is no longer being sold.
You are experiencing a hormonal imbalance.
You didn’t get enough sleep.
You lost a game, event, or race you expected to win.

Much better than returning to your dysfunctional coping of over-eating, you can use discernment to determine the root cause of your sadness.

Feelings Help People Make Better Decisions

It’s possible to experience negative feelings and use them to alter your direction in life. Think of your feelings like your ability to taste or smell. You don’t continue eating if the food tastes bad. But you can be glad you can taste spoiled food and stop eating.

Just because you feel like you want to steal something, doesn’t mean you should. But the urge to steal something should help you learn what you need emotionally. Perhaps you need to ask God for what you need more often.

Always consider how there could be a legitimate way to satisfy your feelings. You might feel hungry for junk food, but how about eating healthy food to satisfy your hunger instead?

Or, you might have a goal to lose weight to be healthy. Without a healthy option, the healthiest thing to do might be to not eat. You’ll feel unsatisfied, but you have a higher purpose in mind: enjoying being in shape.

You might feel angry like you want to get revenge. If you follow through with revenge, you’ll likely only create more problems for yourself and harm others. But feeling angry tells you that some changes are needed. You could recall the saying: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Emotions are an excellent catalyst for learning life lessons. Sometimes this means learning the truth, but at other times this means unlearning what is false.

Emotions are indicators that require interpretation. They aren’t a green light to act inappropriately. If you continue to act spontaneously on your feelings, then you’ll eventually find yourself someplace you’d rather not be. Wouldn’t it be helpful if we could taste the regret before we act?

When you have to make a decision that requires discernment (a decision that isn’t clearly right or wrong), your feelings can act more like faith, intuition, or gut instinct. Thank you God for this gift of discernment. Help us all to grow in wisdom by your Spirit.

Learn about loneliness.
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Last updated August 4, 2024.

Why Your Feelings Are Important

March 9, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Your feelings are part of the complete package God provided. You have a body with five senses. You have feelings and you have thoughts.

There isn’t anything wrong with your feelings. But you might be interpreting or emphasizing them the wrong way.

Your feelings provide information just like your senses. If something smells bad, you use this information to help you make a decision. Problems can arise if you bias the information to favor the decision you want to make. You’re no longer treating the information as objective.

Some foods smell bad, but are actually good for you. If you overly value smell, you might miss out. Some food have a strange texture, but smell and taste good. If texture is important to you, then you might not eat them.

When I was a child, I had some bad food experiences with brownies and roasted pumpkin seeds (on separate occasions). Sometimes I feel queasy before I eat these foods. But unless all brownies make you sick, I need to work on my bias against them.

God made your feelings. So they must be important. They are meant to work in partnership with your other senses. Then, through your ability to discern fact from fiction, you can correctly interpret and use all the input you’ve gathered to make a godly decision.

Life becomes interesting when strong feelings come into conflict with the truth. Which one is right to prioritize? Is what you think of as the truth, really not true? Or, are your feelings off because of some bad experiences? What is the truth? Where is the deception? Isn’t this what Adam and Eve faced (see Genesis 3).

I’ll continue this discussion over the next several weeks. In the meantime, you could reflect on how much importance you place on your feelings. Have you ever been sure of something, only to find out you were wrong about it? Why was that?

Are You Trying to Solve a Problem You Don’t Need to Solve?

March 16, 2019 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

If you’re afraid, do you know what you’re really afraid of?

What is normal can go unnoticed. Thoughts on autopilot can go unaware. You’ve invested in understanding the confusion and sadness you’re going through, but you might not even realize yet that it isn’t helping.

You’ve dedicated your brain’s full computing power. But, hmmm. What if all your efforts are unnecessary? What if there is a simpler solution?

Life doesn't have to make sense for you to have peace. Your understanding of your life situation is probably missing important pieces. God has those missing pieces. Share on X

Proverbs 3:5 says to “lean not on your own understanding.” But Proverbs 3:13 says to “get understanding.” At first, this might seem like a contradiction. But God is not saying to avoid all understanding. He is saying your understanding is incomplete and you’ll gain His understanding as (or perhaps after) you walk in faith. The understanding often comes in hindsight.

Most people have heard of the serenity prayer. Even if you know it, read it anyway because you might need to apply it again in a new, fresh way.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr

That’s the short version. It continues:

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
Reinhold Niebuhr

There is a lot of wisdom there. Now, back to the beginning. What are you afraid of? What do you most need when you are overwhelmed? Are you trying to solve the right problem?

3 Steps To Overcoming Shame

April 7, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

Shame is the inability to tolerate being known. There is no end to being known. Every day is new. Every day brings more ways you can know and be known. This can be threatening to the person who feels shame intensely.

Shame results from becoming confused about the truth after lies are introduced into your mind. The lies provide an alternative to the truth and therefore an alternative to trusting God.

People who feel shame will instinctively hide: from themselves, from others, and from God. This is exactly what Adam and Eve did after they ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They acquired a sense of their inadequacy because they could no longer believe God.

“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”

The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the LORD God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the LORD God among the trees.
Genesis 3:4-8 NLT

The opposite of hiding in shame is being authentic. Here are three practical ways to reverse the effects of shame.

Know Yourself to Overcome Shame

Before you can share yourself with others, you must first be willing to know yourself.

Being willing to be known is a discipline. Sometimes the cost of being known isn’t worth the reward. Hiding seems better than facing the humiliation of being known. There are times when you won’t be ready for the exposure. That’s okay for the moment.

However, the more you hide, the more you remain hidden even from yourself. It’s not that you’ve forgotten who you are, but more like you’ve never given yourself a chance to understand who you are.

But hiding in shame isn’t really an option for the Christian. God won’t let you hide forever. You are salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16). He calls each of us out of hiding and into a relationship with Him, others, and ourselves.

The more you know the truth about yourself, the more you’ll know how you can contribute to others. You don’t always have to receive; eventually, you’ll know what you can give.

Study and Journal to Overcome Shame

If you struggle to tolerate being known, keeping a private journal is the least risky way to begin. Make time to write consistently. As you journal and reread your writing, you begin to see yourself from an outside perspective.

What should you write about? Read the Bible and other helpful materials that teach you who you are. Then write about what the truths stir up in your heart.

Share Yourself with Others to Overcome Shame

Choose a trusted person and begin to share verbally. Practice putting into words what you’re feeling inside, entrusting your private life to another. Receive their acceptance and care.

Remember that God is a person too. Pay attention to how He speaks to you whether directly or indirectly through others.

Share publically, but discriminantly. Share more with everyone you know. This doesn’t mean being an open book to everyone. Healthy people discriminate how much they share with each person. However, as you heal, you should be able to share more freely with more people.

Share Yourself with God to Overcome Shame

Some parts of ourselves only God knows. Can you completely put your inner feelings of shame into clear words for others to understand? Maybe. Can you receive the truth of who you are completely through words alone? Unlikely.

As you grow in being genuine with others, you grow in readiness to receive healing from God. His acceptance is the only true antidote to shame. He can address your shame at the core through a deeply spiritual, relational transaction. Essentially, God reveals who He is to you in order to cure your shame.

Shame is difficult to overcome. It’s easy to fear the unknown. And it’s ten times harder when that unknown is you.

Where are you on your journey to overcoming shame?

Reframe Your Life From Ugly To Beautiful

June 21, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

An ugly frame can detract from an otherwise beautiful picture. If so, it makes sense to reframe the picture.

Why do pictures have frames? A good frame enhances the picture by making sure it’s presented in the best possible way. The best frame will help a viewer see the picture at its fullest potential.

What frames your life? What do you use to make sense of it? An erroneous belief system can cancel out a person’s otherwise healthy life. If you don’t have anything in particular to guide you in life, there’s a better chance than not that drift away from God’s intentions.

Jesus is the master reframer of life.

When to Reframe the Present with the Future

How do Christians benefit from knowing God? Are there benefits in the short-term and long-term, only one, or neither? As Christians, we might know the fact of eternal life (a long-term benefit) but struggle to realize the present-day benefits. Short-term benefits are unpredictable. God acts to accomplish His purposes, which might or might not include what will make your life easier.

Let’s look at the story of Lazarus as an example.

Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. Yet even now I know that God will do anything you ask.” Jesus told her, “Your brother will live again!” Martha answered, “I know that he will be raised to life on the last day, when all the dead are raised.”

Jesus then said, “I am the one who raises the dead to life! Everyone who has faith in me will live, even if they die. And everyone who lives because of faith in me will never really die. Do you believe this?”“Yes, Lord!” she replied. “I believe that you are Christ, the Son of God. You are the one we hoped would come into the world.”
John 11:21-27 CEV

Martha knew enough about Jesus to know He can do great things and God will answer all He asks. But she assumed that Jesus was being positive only about the future, not the present. She understood death to be irreversible. If Jesus had decided to not resurrect Lazarus, the lesson would be that when God does not correct a wrong or a loss, the future hope we have is a beautiful reframe for the present.

When to Reframe the Future with the Present

Jesus could see more than Martha. He used His understanding to gently reframe the situation for Martha. That’s the way it is for all of us. God sees more. He’ll always see more than we do. That’s why it’s good for us to believe Him and trust Him.

When Jesus saw that Mary and the people with her were crying, he was terribly upset and asked, “Where have you put his body?” They replied, “Lord, come and you will see.”Jesus started crying, and the people said, “See how much he loved Lazarus.”
John 11:33-35 CEV

Isn’t it amazing how much Jesus connects with the people in His life? He knows what God wants. He knows He’s going to resurrect Lazarus. And, He’s so fully in tune with how Mary and Martha feel about their brother that He weeps with them. This time God’s will leads to a better present for the friends of Lazarus. God is glorified.

Jesus looked up toward heaven and prayed, “Father, I thank you for answering my prayer. I know that you always answer my prayers. But I said this, so that the people here would believe that you sent me.”When Jesus had finished praying, he shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” The man who had been dead came out.
John 11:41-44 CEV

Jesus chooses to perform a miracle to demonstrate the truth that He transcends death because He is life. When God chooses to intervene in your life it’s also to help you see the truth. It’s okay to receive His encouragement. You can allow a positive experience to increase your faith that God is good and eternal life is real.

What do you have in your life that would benefit from being reframed? Share it with Jesus; tell Him your concerns. Tell Him how much faith you have in Him. Then, look for Jesus to frame your life in a way that goes beyond your expectations.

Give your life situation over to God. Ask Him to reframe you with Him and His truth. Be ready for a positive interpretation that exceeds your best interpretation. God loves you more than you realize.

Learn more about life perspectives.
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Last updated June 11, 2023

Pain Is Your Guide – Finding Jesus In The Ache

April 11, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Too much pain starts to break down a person’s spirit. There goes the ability to manage life with your sanity intact. However, too little pain is also a serious problem in a world where brokenness is always there in one form or another. God uses suffering to create a hunger for spiritual nourishment.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3 ESV

You might see another person receiving significant attention and adoration from others. Or someone else is promoted ahead of you. Or maybe your friend is pregnant for the second time while you’ve been trying for years. God seems to be moving in their lives—but in yours, He feels strangely silent.

That’s painful. Let it register as such.

It’s easy to become immobilized by doubt when others seem to bask in God’s favor while you feel overlooked, even invisible to Him. You wonder what you’ve done wrong, or if you’re simply not seen.

But to become unstuck, to start healing, you must first lean into that pain. Fully. Let the heaviness of your heart have its say. Let it whisper truths about your spirit that you’ve been avoiding. If you’re numb to your emotions, you’ll miss the subtle work God may already be doing.

Pain: The Sacred Signal of Hunger

So—how in touch are you with your hunger? What does your soul long for? Is it intimacy, healing, purpose, peace, or kingdom-centered work? All of the above, right? Often, these desires are buried beneath the distractions of life. We silence the ache to keep moving, to keep functioning. Yet that ache is a signal. A holy one.

It’s like The Matrix. You may think you’re awake, but in truth, you’re sleepwalking through spiritual hunger. The real condition of your soul might remain hidden until you’re willing to confront your thirst for something more.

This ache points us to something deeper—something only Jesus can satisfy.

But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.
John 4:14 ESV

Hunger is terrifying. I know, because I used to try to hide mine all the time. When I’m not doing well, it is easy grasp for anything to distract from the ache inside. But eventually, pain has a way of resurfacing. And every time, I’m shocked by how real it still is.

But now I’ve learned to pay attention to it.

Because pain has a voice.

It speaks from a deep place within. With help from God’s Spirit, it shouts out the truths you need to hear, the ones no one else can tell you. Identifying your suffering doesn’t cause it to fade immediately, but it provides clarity. It offers freedom from ambiguity and self-deception. You begin to see your pain not as a curse, but as a guide to life and health.

The book Hind’s Feet on High Places portrays this so beautifully. In it, Much-Afraid walks a harrowing path filled with discomfort and confusion. And just when it seems unbearable, God calls her deeper into suffering—into surrender. Her journey, though painful, is what shapes her into someone radiant with purpose.

God has a purpose for your pain, too. And we must also remember: God might be using pain in others’ lives, too.

Pain: Don’t Steal it From Others

As a counselor, I’ve learned over the years that people need space to express their pain. People want solutions that stop the pain, but the only way to stop it is to go through it. The real healing often begins when I resist the urge to skip over the hurt and instead gently encourage people to stay connected to their ache.

Leaning into the pain keeps the heart open. It’s in that sacred connection—between person and pain—that Jesus draws near. And when He meets someone in their brokenness, the relief He gives is more spiritually profound than any earthly distraction.

So—how are you doing with connecting to your pain? Have you allowed yourself to feel it fully? And who are you inviting into that sacred space with you? Jesus isn’t afraid of your pain. He meets you in it—with mercy, not judgment.

Learn more about Jesus’s care during suffering.
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Last Updated June 22, 2025

Living With Eternal Purpose: No Guts No Glory

October 4, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Do you ever feel like just being yourself is too risky? The cost of authenticity might be rejection, but the rewards lead to a life full of purpose. When you embrace who God created you to be, challenges will come—but so will deep joy and meaning. When we live in alignment with God’s design, we experience a glimpse of heaven—a foretaste of the eternal—shaping our journey with divine purpose.

Yet, too often fear holds us back. We hesitate to be vulnerable, to speak honestly, to pursue what truly matters. Why? Because rejection and failure seem unbearable. But what if we could shift our focus, seeing beyond temporary discomfort to the eternal reality that awaits us? Living with this perspective changes everything.

In another post, I wrote about the benefits of imagining what heaven will be like. I asked, “How would seeing the most optimistic vision impact how you live today?” One person’s response perfectly captures the shift from despair to hope that I aimed for. He gave me permission to share his answer:

I enjoyed the post you wrote on Heaven. Thanks for posing the question. It gave me a chance to think about what the rest of my life could look like and how it could begin to move in that direction even now. Knowing what heaven is like and who I am as God’s finished product would change how I live the rest of my days on earth.

During a recent checkup, my doctor said, “You look pretty good for someone who almost died a year ago.” Coming face-to-face with death has me thinking more about how I want to be remembered.

If I knew what God plans for me in heaven, I could risk being that person more on earth, no matter what others thought of me, because I would know it pleased God. I should be doing that anyway, but I struggle to be the best version of me. I want to:

be more unselfish, putting others’ needs before my own.
be more transparent about my feelings and not be concerned about how that would look to others.
speak what is in my heart; I wouldn’t be unkind, but I would be free to disagree with others and risk being rejected and isolated from others.
be more vulnerable to love others and help them, no matter what it costs me emotionally or materially.
be more humble, living out my purpose of bringing glory to God and doing things that have eternal value, not just what has meaning for my time on earth.

Acting in this way would bring more meaning to my remaining time here, leave an eternal mark, and make something in my life worth remembering to those I leave behind.

Imagining heaven’s best helps me trust God more (I can see why He led me through what He did) and value what He values. I want to see with a better perspective what is important in this life, and what matters so little because it won’t be coming with me into heaven.

This perspective has the power to transform how we live. What if, instead of fearing failure or rejection, we boldly stepped into the identity God designed for us?

How to Step Boldly into Purpose—Without Regrets

It’s easy to get stuck in hesitation, waiting for the “right time” to start living boldly. But if you knew heaven was ahead, what would you risk today to embrace the person God designed you to be?

Maybe you need counseling to heal from past wounds that keep you from fully stepping into your purpose.
Maybe it’s time to invest in a book that guides you toward deeper faith and self-awareness.
Maybe you need to start small, choosing one area of your life to surrender fear and embrace authenticity.

The challenge is real, the risk feels great—but the reward is eternal.

How about you? What will your life look like if you live with no regrets? No guts, no glory. When you risk being who God made you to be, God is glorified.

And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.
Romans 8:17 NLT

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Last Updated 20250420

God Will Deliver You From Failure

August 2, 2020 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Failure would be a death sentence if it were not for God’s mercy. Many people struggle with believing that their failure leaves a fatal mark that limits their potential. If you think you’ve failed, you might believe something like:

I’ll always mess up God’s plans.
There’s no hope for me now.
I’ll wear this scar for the rest of my life.
That was my last chance.
God will never forgive me.
My best will never be good enough.
God is going to send me to hell.
I’ll never recover from this.
There’s no use trying again.

For Christians to believe any of these statements, they must be deceived. Every one of them has something false about it. What Jesus has done for believers removes the permanence of these statements and breathes hope into the hopeless, life into the lifeless.

Failure From the World’s Perspective

A worldly definition of failure distorts God by emphasizing two extreme responses. People are forever condemned or always excused without consequence. These miss God’s heart because they throw out His mercy or justice.

Without God’s mercy, we would all be perpetually caught in shame. The unbearable feelings of self-condemnation and self-loathing weigh heavily without any way of escape. People attempt to cope by utilizing perfectionism or apathy to avoid the feelings of falling short.

Without God’s justice, we can become lulled into a false sense of security. The prideful presumption that there will never be a reckoning for our attitudes and choices might soothe the conscience today but does nothing to prevent the condemnation tomorrow. People attempt to cope by utilizing relativism to discount the seriousness of God’s absolute standards.

Sin is probably the best definition of failure. It completely misses what God wants for us. Without God, we are defective because of sin. However, God, because of His love, has stripped sin of its power and permanent consequences. So it does not have a significant lasting effect for believers.

Failure From God’s Perspective

Let’s reconsider the definition of failure, but include God this time. A worst-case definition of failure considers it to be a temporary setback. That’s because God works for our ultimate good. We are on the same side.

Failure implies finality. But because God is an eternal being, endings do not exist for Him. Any moment in time is not the final word on your situation.

Failure implies hopelessness. But God is an endless supply of hope. Nothing can defeat God. Nothing can defeat God’s plans. Nothing can defeat God’s people.

Failure implies permanent loss. But God restores and heals, often while we are yet in this life. That’s possible because knowing Him means knowing boundless hope.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:21-23

We can always learn from our experiences, even if they seem like abysmal failures. God is ready to give us another chance. We can start again in a stronger position.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Psalm 34:4-7 NIV

So you can see that you will have trouble, but God will deliver you. He will deliver you from evil. He looks beyond failure to your eternal potential in Jesus Christ. For other verses that support God’s grace and hope, see Isaiah 40:31, Romans 5:5, Psalm 33:18, and Jeremiah 29:11.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 NIV

Learn more about Shame.
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Last updated 2025/02/02

Remember Your Past For A Healthy Present

May 24, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

How does remembering your past help you today? Think of re-membering as bringing scattered parts of your life together. It’s like gathering the parts of a jigsaw puzzle and assembling them where they belong.

God wants you to see the whole picture of who you are. Have you ever worked on a puzzle only to get to the end and realize some pieces are missing? It’s frustrating because it feels so incomplete.

I’m fascinated by my past. I’m not thinking of historical facts. I mean my psychological and emotional journey. Memories are important because they are the key to setting a person free from being trapped in the past.

You can’t change what has happened to you but you can change its meaning. You decided how much a particular memory has the power to define who you are. They answer the question: How did I get to where I am today?

How you first experience something has long-lasting implications. Your journey is, in many ways, a series of first-time experiences. To put the pieces of your life together, you must revisit your first-time experiences to create follow-on experiences. Healing can be both strengthening the positive memories and weakening the negative ones.

Questions to Help You Remember

Your relationship with your childhood memories can tell you a lot about yourself. Here are some questions you can use to explore your emotional health:

How do you feel about your childhood?
Do you feel like you are still a child?
Do you feel like you are stuck in your childhood?
Do you feel extremely distant from childhood, almost like it was another lifetime?
Does childhood feel real to you or more like a fantasy?
Does childhood seem unimportant or highly relevant to you?
Do you remember a lot or a little?
How much was childhood the same or different every day?
What positive memories come to mind?
What negative memories come to mind?

Did you skim through these questions or pause on each one and give a real, in-depth answer? Are you willing to embrace your childhood or do you think you’d be happier if you never thought about it again?

Even if you considered only one of the questions, you’ve got a taste of what it’s like to move toward emotional health. You dipped your toe in the water. If you considered more than one, you might feel overwhelmed as you swim in a pool of emotional memories.

As I said, memories are fascinating. They aren’t part of who you are. Yet, in another way, they are part of you. You’re not five years old anymore. But you might feel five years old sometimes.

Remember the Past, Compare it with the Present, and Plan the Future

Here are a few more questions for you to consider: In what ways do you feel the same, today, as you did when you were a young child? In what ways are you the same? In what ways are you different?

Life can lead you away from being in touch with who you are. The pressures, demands, and trauma open a chasm between your performance and who you are. It’s possible to become so familiar with present-day performance (life responsibilities) that you forget what it’s like to enjoy life on your terms.

Here are three more questions that should help you “pull yourself together.” What day would you most like to relive? What makes life worth living today? Now, what new day do you imagine you would like to live in the near future?

In answering all these questions, look for two things. First, look for any infections: emotional wounds that haven’t fully healed. Second, look for peak experiences: emotional highs that give you energy.

If you’d like more practice at developing follow-on experiences, then you should try a book from my Journal Your Way series.

More about the benefits of exploring your past.
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Last updated 2022/12/11

Overcome When You Feel Like Giving Up

September 7, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Life has a way of wearing you down so much that you stop trusting God. What are some reasons you feel like giving up? Do they include any of the following?

Have you experienced too many failures or rejections?
Do you feel worth less than others?
Do you feel not needed or not wanted?
Do you feel tired, lost, or confused?
Does your existence seem pointless?

You might not think of yourself as depressed, but if you answered yes to any of those questions, then you are experiencing some form of discouragement. When your burden becomes too great, you’ll naturally consider giving up. Feeling like you want to give up should throw a red flag for you.

Feeling Like Giving Up Comes From a Desire to be Self-Sufficient

Unfortunately, you will encounter discouraging people and circumstances. Sometimes you can make better choices to prevent bad things from happening. Other times, there isn’t anything you could have done differently. Either way, when you continue to suffer long after a difficult experience, there’s a reason.

What keeps you weighed down and prevents you from moving forward? Do any of these sound like you?

You’re trying to do it all yourself.
You believe God doesn’t care or He is somehow against you.
You think being humble means you should have low self-worth.
You think you’ve committed the unpardonable sin and God is condemning you to hell.
You stopped trusting God because of a tragedy.

God says there is a different way than giving up.

Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me.
Matthew 11:28-29 TPT

Feeling Like Giving Up Comes From a Faulty Foundation

It’s possible to have God in your life but still feel like giving up. Unfortunately, you can become committed to a life strategy that doesn’t work. If so, it’s either based on a lie or it’s not the right approach for you. A faulty strategy is based on lies.

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
Matthew 7:24-27 ESV

Rebuild Your Foundation When You Feel Like Giving Up

What is your life based on? Do you know why you are doing what you’re doing? Do you have at least one primary, life-giving motivation? If you don’t, you’ll find no gas in your tank to draw on when the going gets tough. A life founded on the rock looks like the following:

You have a clear purpose and act on it consistently.
You ask God to help you advance His kingdom.
You ask God to purify your motives.
You trust God to multiply your efforts.
You surrender the outcome to God.

You can overcome when you feel like giving up when you understand God is responsible for the results (the fruit). God causes all things to grow. You only need to be faithful to the resources God has given you. Only God has the power to make good things happen, but your contribution is important.

I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.
1 Corinthians 3:6-9 NIV

It’s natural (in our sin) to want to be able to control the outcomes in life, but only God is in control. Instead of giving up on God, give up your desire to be self-sufficient. If you can see yourself as partnering with God, then you’ll be more willing to let God help you align your desires to His desires.

Don’t give up. Don’t lose sight of who God is and who He made you to be. God loves you and has a plan for your life. You can find your purpose, live your purpose, and enjoy your life.

Learn more about why you should never give up.
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Last Updated 2023/12/24

Earnest Rest Reveals God’s Favor

July 13, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Rest makes it possible to perform at your highest level. You probably do your best work when you are relaxed and “in the zone.” Have you experienced this kind of rest? Would you like to learn to enter into the rest God intends for you?

Find Rest By Finding Your Sweet Spot

God made you with an identity which is the place of optimal functioning. This sweet spot is where the least amount of effort still produces the maximum output. Hitting your sweet spot is an honorable goal. God intends for you to feel the pleasure of acting from the center of who you are. If you want to know God’s favor, first you must be free to be yourself.

Sometimes the sweet spot is elusive because of sin and the curse. They cloud and distort who you are. Sometimes you have to do what you don’t particularly want to do. Overcoming the curse requires hard work. The goal isn’t to eliminate your effort, but instead to optimize your effort. You put in your effort while relying on God to carry what you were never meant to carry.

Find Rest By Compartmentalizing Obligation

Do you know what it feels like to pursue what you want instead of what you must (because of obligation or responsibility)? God created the sabbath so you can experience unpressured living at least one day out of seven. The lift you gain from one day of rest can carry into the other six days.

Who are you when you’re under obligation? How do you fill your day to meet the demands of life? Don’t miss this: You’re probably not optimally in touch with your true identity while under obligation. That’s because obligation implies some amount of stress and that changes everything.

Who are you when you’re not under any obligation? Then, how do you live? This is what you can accomplish during productive play. Restful living means entering into a natural high by functioning at the level of God’s highest purposes for you. This is true recreation — an effort that recovers more energy than it spends.

Find Rest By Playing

Fulfilling obligations is necessary. But playing is as important as working. What do you think of when you think of playing? Productive play does not involve low-functioning activities that allow passive living. Your brain can be fully engaged and relaxed during play.

Whatever you do should have a purpose. Some activities can seem like they have no eternal significance, but if they rejuvenate you, they have value. For example, consider watching a movie. What value do you gain from it? Does it uplift or strengthen you? Does it help you to better understand life? Or does it drain you or lead you into sin?

To play is to relax. Some people can’t stop working. Their play is only work in disguise. When you practice relaxing, it will help you when you are under the stress of responsibility. You’ll be able to work more efficiently when you are under stress.

Restful living will be different for each person. What activities bring you more energy as you participate in them? In the movie, Chariots of Fire, Eric Liddell says, “When I run, I feel His pleasure.” Even though he’s exerting himself completely he has entered God’s rest. He’s burdened with running, but not burdened with debilitating anxieties.

When God’s power is available genuine play is possible. That’s because He does the heavy lifting. Jesus said:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

Have you ever felt God’s pleasure? You enter God’s rest and He is right there with you expressing His excitement for who you are. God is your cheerleader. Allow His cheers to propel you forward.

Learn more about play.
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Last Updated 2023/10/15

On The Fringe: The Truth About The Struggle To Belong

April 25, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

Fringe, a TV show about weird, scientifically unexplainable events in the universe, debuted in 2008. It drew my interest at first because of the possibilities of the unknown. Because, well, exploring the mysteries of life is exciting.

“Fringe” can have a much broader definition than scientific anomalies. It has a connotation of “flaky” or “fragile.” If someone is teetering on the edge of an abyss they are on the fringe. They are one step away from slipping out of a meaningful existence. They are like Frodo when he puts on the evil ring; he must fight to not be drawn into the shadow world.

Non-Christians are on the Fringe

Without Christ, it’s easy to become lost in an endless pursuit of mysterious unknowns. Maybe there is something of substance beyond the fringe? Maybe an alien race is monitoring our every move. What else is out there?

You can become hooked on the lottery for the same reasons. Having lots of money sounds good, so it must be a good idea to buy into the lottery. I’ve got nothing else to do. I’ve got nothing to lose. — even though the odds of winning are small. You might say you have a fringe of a chance.

The craving to seek and discover is a good (God-given) desire. However, some people will tenaciously pursue strange, made-up phenomena, while at the same time refusing to acknowledge the existence of a real God that cries out to them through His creation.

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.
Romans 1:20 NIV

One definition of fringe is being “at the part of something that is farthest from the center.” This describes non-Christians quite well. They are present, able to see but choosing to face away from the center and pursue the outermost fringes of God’s creation. They keep hoping to find the fulfillment of their inner hunger in anything but God.

Are You, Christian, on The Fringe?

Another definition of fringe is “not completely belonging to or accepted by a group of people who share the same job, activities, etc.” It’s possible to be a Christian and know Christ, but still feel like you are on the fringe. This shouldn’t be so.

Do you feel like you are on the fringe? Are you hanging in the balance? Do you know you have worth, but can’t seem to feel your true worth in Christ?

Christ calls all who belong to Him to move toward Him. Because of His awesome sacrifice, all who are far away from the center are able to move toward the center.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:16 NIV

“I am weird” and “I am worthless” are lies. Just because others don’t understand you (even other Christians) or you haven’t found a way to meet your needs doesn’t mean you are fringe material. Every one of God’s people belongs.

Living according to God’s plan for you means you will need to walk a different path than others walk. You have God’s favor as you walk on the path He made for you (see John 21:20-23).

God smiles as He thinks of you. God is always thinking about you. God is smiling at you. Look up to see His face.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
Psalm 34:5 NLT

Learn more about belonging.
More on the TV show at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fringe_(TV_series)
Definition from https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/on-the-fringes-of-something
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Transform Fake Happiness Into Genuine Joy

July 4, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 8 Comments

You can only be conscious of a few things at any one time. But there are many thoughts and feelings that live beneath the surface. The important ones will attempt to surface, especially the negative and painful ones. Chances are, you’re not excited about allowing them to surface. That’s why you might choose fake happiness instead of genuine joy.

To explain the problems with this situation, I like to use the analogy of a child and a parent. The child wants to express the pain and be comforted. The rational-focused parent says, “not now, I’m busy.” There is definitely a need for the rational parent, because most of the time, it’s not practical or healthy to let a complaining child have full control.

However, “not now” can easily become “never.” It’s easy to procrastinate when uncomfortable feelings are pushing their way to the surface. A balance is needed. The head (the parent) should remain in control, but the head should provide the needed time for the heart (the child) to share its concerns.

Without time to express feelings, a person will become more and more compartmentalized. A small to moderate amount of compartmentalization is helpful when it’s time to be a responsible adult. But the deeper a memory is buried with passing time, the easier it becomes to believe the memory isn’t a part of the real you. And, that’s a dangerous position to be in.

Your personal history shouldn’t be erased because doing so will increase the likelihood of repeating your mistakes. If you can’t remember what you already tried, including how it turned out, you may be doomed to repeat history. Instead, there is another option: transform your personal history through healing and forgiveness.

Everything that happens to you provides an opportunity for you to identify and understand who you are. If you attempt to ignore your memories, you will lose a part of yourself in the process. Every time this happens, you become a little less authentic. That is because buried negative experiences continue to leak lies into your self-image. They poison your self-worth. To heal you must bring the truth in contact with your experiences.

If your primary goal is to be happy, then you might choose to ignore unhappy thoughts and feelings. But this will only lead to the need to invest increased amounts of energy to keep up the appearance of being happy. You’ll have to fake it, and, unless something else changes, there’s no way to “fake it until you make it.” You can’t fake your way into genuine joy.

When you fake your happiness around other people, you’ll likely suffer greater depression when you are once again alone. The size of your problem hasn’t necessarily grown. But you will experience it as more painful because you haven’t been able to share your true feelings with another person.

Happiness will endure so long as your circumstances are positive. The minute you experience a setback, your negative feelings will attempt to surface. However, when you learn how to work through difficult feelings, you learn how to maintain joy regardless of your circumstances.

Compartmentalization is an avoidance technique. It produces an immediate strength to get you through the moment, but left in place, it results in permanent weakness. It’s similar to accepting a numbing agent when you have surgery or dental work. You miss out on the sharp pain while you correct the problem. But it would be dangerous to your health to remain numb forever. Likewise, if fixing the problem is too easy, you might let yourself fall into the same trap again.

As you feel pain in life, try to remain aware of it. Include God in your awareness. You can bring the “child” to the “parent” for true healing. In order to grow stronger and healthier, you must give God access to the weakest, most vulnerable parts of yourself.

If you want to become joyful, make time to be completely honest about how you feel about what has happened in your life. Ask God to help you see the truth.

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Move Beyond Depression Guaranteed

October 23, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

The recipe for deep depression is a combination of pain and hopelessness. Without pain, hopelessness has no teeth. Suffering becomes avoidable. With hope, pain can be endured. Here also suffering becomes avoidable. A person can’t be joyful without hope.

Isolation Increases Depression

David describes the potential for his depression as involving not hearing from God. In Psalm 28, he uses “pit” as a place of utter despair.

To you, O Lord, I call;
my rock, be not deaf to me,
lest, if you be silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Psalm 28:1 ESV

The bottom of a pit is a lonely place. It is easy to feel forgotten. Despair increases when circumstances are hopeless. It’s easy to self-harm when discouragement dominates. In this context, self-harm means believing increasingly negative thoughts such as:

I’ll never get out of this (pit).
I’m not worth saving.
God has me here for a reason and that reason is He is against me.
God has abandoned me.
I’m a terrible person.

This kind of thinking only makes a bad situation (potentially avoidable) worse (appearing unavoidable).

Sometimes God will improve circumstances relatively quickly. Maybe you lose your job, but find one within a couple of weeks. Perhaps you find yourself in and out of trouble before you have time to worry. God is gracious and merciful. He preserves and protects those He loves from danger–both deserved and undeserved consequences.

Such mercy is normal in the sense that God prevents us from receiving what we deserve. He is constantly doing this. Jesus is never not interceding on our behalf before God. If He wasn’t, every moment of our lives would be full of despair. Yet, in another sense, life can be full of heartache. Everyone is suffering on some level.

Some suffering is avoidable while another suffering is unavoidable. Suffering has a purpose; depression is one response to it, but there is another.

Connection Reverses Depression

If depression intensifies with pain and despair, then the absence of pain and the presence of hope would certainly alleviate sadness. How do we get from one to the other? How can someone climb out of a pit? Sometimes God might teleport you to the surface, but quite often He rather chooses a more organic process: grief.

Having someone hear your cry is the path out of depression.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
    out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
    making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3 ESV

And, what is grief, but crying out to someone who will listen? Grief is an expression of pain in the midst of hope. The way out is rarely painless, but it must be full of hope. Without hope, an attempt to grieve will only dig the pit of despair deeper. Sadness begets more sadness. That’s why sometimes focusing on the positives helps. While it can help, it doesn’t fully address the real problem of suffering.

Grief is more a struggle than it is suffering. It’s a struggle forward or up out of avoidable suffering. When you declare your circumstances as unacceptable, you leave no room for patiently waiting on the Lord. Grieving reorients your perspective until you find acceptance.

When you are grieving, you are moving up out of the pit. Your direction is toward God, toward joy. When you are despairing, you are moving deeper down in the pit. Your direction is away from the light and toward the darkness.

Your direction is more important than your exact location especially when you know you have God’s ear. The next time you are depressed, express your suffering to God and He will lift you out of the pit. If you need help with this, consider professional Christian counseling.

Is Emotion an Obstacle or a Bridge?

March 23, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

Does emotion hinder or does it help? To many people, emotion is a pointless burden. It seems to linger purposelessly forever like a plastic bottle in a landfill.

Obstacles impede progress. You must expend more effort to move beyond the obstacles in your path. Some obstacles cannot be removed by your effort alone.

Bridges on the other hand smooth the journey. Someone already cleared the path which makes your end goal possible and maybe easier. Although, some bridges are challenging to cross. The journey is strenuous, not because of the path, but because of what must be left behind.

Whether the emotion is a positive experience for you or a negative one, depends on your perspective. Rocks in your pack can be considered an affliction, but they could also be a blessing in disguise–they can help you grow stronger so you can move obstacles out of your way. What seems like an obstacle one day, might eventually come to be seen as a benefit.

Emotion is Like an Obstacle

Emotion is never bad; it’s only the messenger. We’re not supposed to shoot the messenger. But what is a person to do when the message is overwhelmingly negative? When emotion is immobilizing, it acts like an obstacle to progress. But it really is only a pivot point loaded with potential.

A person can lean into the negative message and become all the more discouraged. A person can also block out the message. Rough, calloused hands and fingertips are a sign of hard work. Your body forms a protective layer while you get work done.

In an emotionally risky environment, it’s natural to develop an insulative layer to protect your heart. Some negative environments you can avoid completely. And you should. But in other environments, you can’t.

Everyone is going to have some emotional callousness. Adam and Eve became overly defensive after the fall. Over-protection is a tendency we all have to work at overcoming.

You have an automatic defense system that sometimes malfunctions.

Sometimes your defensive system protects you so well that you don’t even know what it’s protecting. I’m lost; I don’t know who I am. At other times, you’re surprisingly vulnerable. Why am I flooded with emotion now?

Emotion is Like a Bridge

Because God exists, hope exists. No circumstance can determine the final outcome of your life. Because of God, emotion, even discouragement, can be productive.

Everything has a purpose–even negative feelings. You can’t avoid all risky environments because there’s no heaven on earth. So the best anyone can do is commit to crossing the emotional bridge.

Emotion can always become a bridge to a better place. That bridge can look like an obstacle, at first glance. Maybe you aren’t ready to leave behind what is comfortable, whether that be numbness or negativity. Maybe you aren’t ready to find out who you are deep down.

Crossing the bridge means embarking on a journey to becoming alive.

The obstacle to a better future is refusing to leave behind the past. You can only escape past and present pain by crossing the bridge of emotion. As you feel what you’ve experienced, it will carry you forward.

God didn’t make us to journey alone. We need traveling companions to help ease the pain of seeking true living that God has planned for us. Avoiding future pain is wise… unless that pain is needed to make you into a better person. Or perhaps the better way to put that is becoming a better person always involved confronting your pain.

If you’d like to better understand how difficult emotions can be blessings, try the book Hind’s Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.

Read about choosing healing instead of coping.
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Last Updated 2022/10/16

Break Free From Suffering Needlessly

March 30, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

Everybody suffers. Some suffering is necessary while other suffering is needless. If I told you I am suffering needlessly, what adjectives would you use to describe me? Perhaps you’d think I was foolish or masochistic?

Jesus suffered, but not needlessly. There is a time to stay the course and suffer and there is a time to choose an alternate plan. Here is one way to define a balanced, healthy love:

Love does not suffer needlessly but neither does it run from suffering when running would be a denial of love. A loving person walks away from harm when possible and stays and faces harm when that is the only way to be loving.
Emilie Calabrese

Take a moment and reflect on your current suffering. Can you separate out which suffering is necessary and which is needless?

Needless Suffering is Self-Inflicted

Some suffering is avoidable. We suffer because of evil, its destructive deeds, and sin. Others can cause some of these deeds, but other destructive behaviors are self-inflicted.

Self-inflicted pain can be anything from actually cutting your body to agreeing with psychological put-downs such as, “I’m not enough” or “I’m disgusting.”

It’s easy to want to give up all hope when evil must co-exist with good (our present reality). God made us to desire complete beauty, not distorted beauty. But beauty remains even when part of it is missing. A puzzle with a hopeful message, even though it has some missing pieces, can still inspire hope. Beauty, even with some blemishes, fully retains its identity as God’s inspirational instrument.

Necessary suffering is God-ordained while needless suffering is self-inflicted. Share on X

Our world is not without good even though it has some evil mixed in. Despair is needless suffering because it focuses on the bad news as if it were stronger than the good news. Suffering will always be a part of this life, but you don’t need to give it more power than it has on its own.

Needless Suffering is a Form of Learned Helplessness

A mid-life crisis can involve coming face-to-face with the need to grow up. Instead of pressing forward, you decide to run away, refusing the opportunity for growth. Of course, then, the only way to go is backward so your behavior starts to look like it did when you were a child. Except now, if you have more power or money, you can create an even bigger mess.

Self-inflicted pain is really self-rejection, a form of learned helplessness. Share on Twitter

Learned helplessness is a cycle of defeat with no apparent escape. When people need to escape, but no escape is allowed, they can learn to accept feeling hopeless. Without hope, a genuine exit will feel no different than an impassible wall.

A bird in a cage learns what is possible and what is impossible. If the bird truly believes, “there is no escape,” then even when the cage door opens, the bird will not leave. The cage may be too comfortable or the outside too foreign.

Likewise, you can feel so negative for so long that you become numb. Then you can reach the point where it is normal to feel numb.

In this way, you can learn to turn off your emotions because they don’t seem to be of any help. But emotions are not the bad guy. Even the circumstances are not a catastrophe. The learned sense of hopelessness is the worst of it all.

Working through difficult experiences and emotions becomes the bridge of escape. But the bridge can appear to be too scary to cross. Instead of crossing the emotional bridge, you remain “land-locked.” The bridge forward is visible but might as well be invisible because the thought of making it across seems unbelieveable.

Needless suffering results from refusing to cross the bridge. Crossing the bridge might also be painful, but it leads to a better place.

Read more about emotions as a bridge to health.
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Last updated October 2, 2022

Use Your Inspiring Identity For Good

September 25, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Your identity is God’s gift to you so you can enjoy God and His creation. God also made you for others’ benefit. So, what good is your identity if you keep it hidden?

No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.
Matthew 5:15 NLT

This verse made its way into a children’s song: This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. Hide it under a bushel? No!

Everyone is made in God’s image. Believers have the Holy Spirit as a permanent dwelling companion. This qualifies all believers to come out of hiding. You have a light to shine.

Are You Afraid of Your Own Identity?

Often though, people are afraid of what will happen if they stay true to who they are.

I can’t tell my husband how I really feel. It would hurt his feelings.
I can’t take that promotion. Mark has worked here longer than I have.
I can’t tell my friend I don’t want to be in her wedding.
I can’t tell my neighbor his dog is too loud.

If you aren’t living up to your God-given potential, then you aren’t fulfilling God’s plan for your life. Likewise, if you aren’t being emotionally honest, you are minimizing your impact because of shame, or fear of rejection.

What you say or do will have an impact on someone. That’s what it means to be a person. You can’t be a healthy person and avoid that. God intends for you to use your identity to make a difference in the lives of others. But this can only be done without pretense.

Yet, many people struggle with being genuine. This is understandable because the problem of what to reveal to others can be complicated. While we all need a place where we can be as transparent as we need to be, there are also times when the people in our lives aren’t ready for it.

Do You Respect Others’ Identities?

What if being who we are would cause someone else pain? Paul addresses this in the context of faith.

Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall. You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right.
Romans 14:13,22 NLT

There are situations where God would have us keep our convictions to ourselves. We aren’t supposed to force our convictions onto another believer. We aren’t supposed to condemn or judge another believer in areas left to personal opinion.

While everyone has an ideal identity, we are all works in progress. In some areas, your friend might have a weaker understanding of their identity in Christ. In other areas, you might not understand the freedom that you have.

Even for ourselves, if we have doubts about a particular belief or action, we should seek clarity before taking action. God wants to act according to the faith we have. Faith is the road one must travel in order to please God (Romans 12:3, Hebrews 11:6).

For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.
Romans 14:23 ESV

To further complicate matters, perhaps, as a child, you heard your parent tell you:

If you don’t have anything nice to say, it’s better to not say anything at all.

And, Jesus says that we are to:

Treat others how you would want them to treat you (Luke 6:31).

Can You Act With a Confident Identity?

How then can a person follow these seemingly opposing principles:

Be emotionally honest with what is in your heart.
Don’t cause others to stumble.

The right approach is determined by:

Who you talk to
How you tell them and how much you tell them
What the consequences are for speaking or remaining silent

There’s a difference between staying true to your identity and condemning someone because of your beliefs. God wants you to be true to Him first, then true to yourself. But He also commands us to not pass judgment on someone because of their convictions (Romans 14:3).

Condemning someone for their beliefs is outsides the bounds of the authority God gives us. It’s up to God to approve or disapprove (Romans 14:4). But sharing your heart within an intimate relationship such as marriage is another situation entirely. Emotional healing can take place only when we share transparently what is in our hearts.

Suppose a person is married with children. This person feels stress from being a parent to young children. If you were this person, what could you do to stay true to your identity while not harming others? Evaluate the situation by determining the context.

Who: Expecting young children to understand stress is unrealistic and it could burden them with something that isn’t their responsibility or problem. Instead, you can talk to your spouse, friend, or counselor.
How: Tell your children in non-blaming age-appropriate language. “I need a break. Your grandparents are going to watch you for a while.”
What: This comes down to how stressed you are. If a good night’s rest will take care of it, then maybe you don’t need to do anything else.

Suppose instead that you aren’t feeling attracted to your spouse anymore. What could you do?

Who: Expecting your spouse to listen to your feelings about this is reasonable and necessary to improve the relationship. Are they in a position to handle it right now? Speak to them directly if possible, otherwise temporarily consider a friend or counselor.
How: Be clear and sincere. If you want a better relationship realize it can take time to work through all the issues. It’s important to stay committed to the process. Seek to understand and be understood before you seek a solution.
What: Silence doesn’t seem like an option. How can you have a fulfilling, intimate relationship if you can’t be honest? It’s the honesty that can lead to greater intimacy.

The key to resolving difficult scenarios like these is to realize that honesty is the first step in finding a resolution. Other people can’t help with your problems if they don’t know about them. Yes, they might not always like what you are saying, but hiding the problem is never a helpful strategy. Shame is a problem; hiding can feel better, but finding acceptance is the solution.

Hiding denies the problem which only allows it to grow. Facing the problem, with faith, God’s help, and others’ help might be unpleasant at first, but it always allows for the best possible outcome.

Allowing others to see you as you really are will be a priceless gift. If done with humility, it can inspire hope because of the testimony of how God will be able to heal your heart.

Pain Is A Fierce Enemy And A Pivotal Ally

January 31, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Pain: We can’t live with it; We can’t live without it. Emotional pain is a strange beast. It’s both annoying and essential. We spend our lives ignoring it or coping with it or finding relief from it. But pain is also our greatest ally even if it is a necessary evil.

Fear of pain keeps us from harm. Pain keeps us on the road instead of driving into a ditch. Or if we do slip into a ditch, it keeps us from driving headlong into a tree. Or, if we hit a tree, it helps us brake or turn to lessen the impact.

Don’t Avoid Pain At All Costs

When pain becomes extreme, it can flip over and push a person toward death. People consider suicide when their anguish becomes unbearable. Whether you are aiming for the tree or avoiding the tree, the goal can be the same: avoid pain. But there is a difference: suicide attempts to end the pain at all costs.

You’ve heard the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” That’s exactly what suicide does. It’s overkill. We need the pain to warn us that something is wrong. But the suicidal person wrongly assumes there is no possible relief.

With God, there is always a path to healing. But the restorative journey isn’t always one that everyone is willing to take. If you’re stubborn enough to choose your way over God’s way, then you are more likely to end up off-road and into a tree.

If you’d like more help with unbearable pain, consider this helpful resource for stories to help you become hopeful.

Coping is helpful as a short-term solution. If you fall and cut your leg, any first-aid is a balm used to promote healing. It won’t help much without the body’s innate ability to fight infection and replace damaged skin.

The same is true spiritually. Whatever you can do to stop your pain doesn’t compare to what Jesus can do. Therefore, it’s important that you endure your discomfort long enough to complete the healing process.

A suicidal person places too high a premium on the short-term outlook. They look at their life through unrealistic expectations. For example, if you want to run a marathon (26.2 miles) in an hour, it’s not going to happen and you’ll stress yourself if you believe you can. If you keep trying and failing, you might drive yourself to suicide if you take the challenge too seriously. Most situations in life are not life-or-death.

How is your life going? Are you stuck in despair? Here are some options to consider:

Bring your expectations down to somewhere realistic.
Increase your resources such as time or energy.
If you want something to happen that isn’t happening, trust God that He knows it’s not the right time yet.
If something is happening that you don’t want, trust God with any loss you’re experiencing.

Don’t Embrace Pain At All Costs

If what you want is out of reach, adjust your goals to something more manageable so you can enjoy life in the present. If you can’t run a marathon at world-record speeds, then try running enough for your health and enjoyment.

Do what you must to reduce your level of emotional distress. You can’t put your life in its proper perspective when you are in excruciating pain. But try to endure it long enough so you can identify what is wrong and find a path forward. When you’re in pain, God is probably trying to teach you something.

If your desire is realistic and God-honoring, then it’s worth pursuing even if you must first fail many times to reach your goal. Sometimes the path to a hopeful, uplifting place means experiencing the bottom of a pit first. Keep in mind:

The pit isn’t bottomless.
If you can change your thinking (stop being so stubborn), you will probably find that path forward.

God doesn’t promise He will answer your prayers how you want them to be answered. Sometimes we must wait on Him for direction. Other times we must keep trying as best as we know how. The secret to reducing your pain is to enjoy the journey: enjoy the pursuit of something great more than requiring a specific result in a fixed time period.

What You Need To Succeed

July 3, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Do you have what you need to succeed in life? This question is similar to, “How are you?” It’s easy to give simple, “I’m fine” or “Sure, I have what I need” answers. But what if I really wanted to know and you took the time to give a sincere answer?

What is required for your success? This might be a tricky question to answer for several reasons:

You’ve been trained to believe it’s too selfish.
No one has ever given you what you need.
The answer will be too personal.

God Wants You to Ask for What You Need

God is always looking for ways to redeem His people. When Adam and Eve felt shame for the first time, God developed short-term and long-term plans to help them succeed. Ultimately He fulfilled His own laws for us so that we can live without the shame of failure (1 Peter 2:24). But He also immediately provided clothing for Adam and Eve.

Even though everyone between Adam and those alive today has suffered, God hasn’t stopped taking care of us. He instructs us to ask Him for good gifts. What you need is nutritious for you, so it’s worth asking for it.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Matthew 7:7-11 NIV

Asking and Receiving What You Need isn’t Selfish

When you consider what you need, it might stir up feelings of shame. Am I worthy of being cared for? I’m so insignificant. Why would God bother to love me? My needs aren’t important. I have nothing to offer God in return. I’ve gone my whole life without my desires being met; why would anything change now? I don’t know what I need.

All of these thoughts can be summarized as “I doubt my needs will ever be met.” This belief can develop from years of disappointment. Then, it’s possible to “forget” what your needs are or that you even have them.

What if God asked you how you were doing? You might wonder if God really cares. You might think that He wants you to give a quick and cheerful response like “I’m totally blessed! I already have everything I could ever wish for.” Unless you are feeling completely content, it’s not an honest answer.

How can you become more aware of what you need?

What would feed your soul so that you have the energy to enjoy life and help others? What would be so awesome to have that it would seem unbelievable if God gave it to you? If you are struggling to answer questions like these, try some of the following:

When you are angry, ask yourself what would help you feel calm.
When you are sad, ask what you desire to feel happy.
When you are afraid, ask what you are lacking or what would help you feel safe.
How would you like to be celebrated?
What is the best gift anyone could give you?
When have you felt most loved?

For all of these, state your answer in terms of yourself, not other people. Don’t conclude, “I wouldn’t be angry if you didn’t yell at me.” Instead, try “I need to believe I am valuable.”

Then, the next step is to share your needs with the people in your life.

Emotional Healing Is Possible For You Today

June 12, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

God won’t always grant you more money or heal your body. But the Holy Spirit is always ready to provide emotional healing.

Are you being serious, Matt? I’ve been suffering for years. I don’t believe it. God doesn’t care about my pain. Does He?

Yes, I am serious. The Holy Spirit’s purpose is to guide believers into the truth. If you think about it, that’s the definition of emotional healing. You have a personal guide who can help you become intimately acquainted with God’s truth. Healing is more than learning facts, it’s an emotional experience of the truth.

The only caveat is that you must ask for and seek healing using biblical principles. Transformation is highly desirable, but not necessarily guaranteed (without effort on your part) or easily obtained. You have to really want it.

If you want this valuable transformation, you need to pursue it with Faith, Boldness, Persistence, and Humility.

Emotional Healing Requires Faith

Faith allows the believer to see spiritually. If you are going to approach God, it needs to be with a clear view of who God is. You need the ability to trust God and stay focused on His character!

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
Hebrews 11:6 ESV

If you struggle with believing God cares about you and wants you to thrive, then your first task is to ask God for the faith to see Him clearly.

Emotional Healing Requires Boldness

Boldness in this case means you seek without any kind of pretending or bashfulness. You must approach God with authenticity. You speak clearly. You tell it like it is!

In [Christ Jesus our Lord] we have boldness and access [to God] with confidence through our faith in him.
Ephesians 3:12 ESV

If you are afraid to approach God with what is on your heart, seek out another believer or a counselor who can help you develop boldness.

Emotional Healing Requires Persistence

God’s treasures are not left in the open for all to find. Only those people who really want to find the secrets to life will find them. To find them requires persistence. Do you understand the value of what you are seeking?

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”
Matthew 13:44 ESV

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.
Proverbs 8:17 ESV

If you are tired and want to give up before you reach your goal, ask God for the energy to continue your pursuit.

Emotional Healing Requires Humility

If you want help, you must first prepare your heart to receive help. Desperation is a form of humility that God desires from us. God, you are my only hope! What I want is important and you are the only one who can supply my need.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1 ESV

In the pride of his face the wicked does not seek him; all his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
Psalm 10:4 ESV

Emotional Healing is the subject of an experiential course I’ve developed. To heal emotionally requires that you are willing to:

Understand what your heart needs and doesn’t need.
Learn healthy ways to manage your pain.
Remember uncomfortable experiences.
Confront negative beliefs with the truth of who God is and who you are.
Feel and express your emotions.
Stop avoiding pain in ways that do more harm than good.
Emphasize seeking God and bringing your pain to Him.

While I’m putting the finishing touches on Emotional Healing, it’s available for a substantial discount. From now until Independence Day (July 4, 2022), you can purchase it for $44 instead of $100. Today could be the day you declare independence from the lies that lower your self-worth.

The first lesson is available to preview without any obligation. Also, this post is based on one of the exercises in the course.

Image from Pexels

Shame Is A Universal Struggle

February 6, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 6 Comments

Shame is a feeling that everyone has to contend with. It’s universally inescapable. You might think that shame is spread from person to person like a disease. Actually, all of us are born with the inevitability to feel shame.

Shame is there, buried deep within us. It’s buried because we’d rather not feel it. It’d deep because it’s been with us from day one. On our best days, we can keep our heads above the water. At times we don’t feel it, but other times we are completely immersed, terrified of drowning in it. This sense of defectiveness infects a person to their core.

Many people confuse guilt and shame, so let’s look at both so you can work on experiencing more freedom.

Guilt is Feeling a Failure of Doing

If you feel bad because of something you did or didn’t do, then you are feeling guilty. There is also “true” guilt and “false” guilt. If there is nothing wrong with what you did, but you feel guilty anyway, that’s false guilt.

If you have done something wrong, God would have you feel a conviction that drives you to repentance and to seek forgiveness from Him. Conviction is different than guilt. Conviction points to a positive restoration. Guilt points to a negative condemnation.

For the Christian who trusts in Jesus’s sacrifice, guilt is no longer necessary. The law’s purpose is to increase awareness of sin, but the law cannot save you from guilt. Sacrifices were only a temporary measure that could not permanently remove guilt.

Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.
Romans 3:19-20 NIV

The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. Otherwise, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins.
Hebrews 10:1-2 NIV

But Jesus’s sacrifice has the power to remove guilt forever. God intends that you believe the following about yourself:

you have already been made perfect
you are in the process of being made holy
you are forgiven once and for all, so that no further sacrifice is necessary
you are cleansed from a guilty conscience
you can have full assurance of all this by faith

For by one sacrifice [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

And where [sins] have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.

…let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.
Hebrews 10:14, 18, 22 NIV

Shame is Feeling a Failure of Being

If guilt isn’t enough then there is also shame: that sickening feeling that results simply from existing. Shame results not from what you’ve done, but from how you feel about being you. The context of shame is always other people, how they must view you. Someone feeling shame desperately wants what is impossible: to remove and discard more of who they are.

When Adam and Eve were “naked and felt no shame,” this means they felt no embarrassment for who they were and what they desired (Genesis 2:25). They accepted how God made them without any concern.

Consider who you are and what you feel ashamed of about yourself. That part of you that you believe is defective, dirty, incompetent, unwanted, inadequate, or bad is what God says is good. He made you the way you are on purpose. After your sin is removed (which has already been done) all that remains is everything you are supposed to be.

I pray you are able to rest more and more in this truth that you are loved and accepted.

Steps to Overcoming Shame.
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

3 Reasons Hope Is Always Attainable

June 13, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Hope might be easy to lose but it is also easy to gain. If you’ve ever become discouraged, I bet something negative happened that you weren’t expecting. Sometimes it doesn’t take much to feel crushed. Even a small amount of hate from another can weigh you down. Read on if you want to feel hopeful instead of discouraged.

It’s only possible to lose hope when you lose focus on what matters most. Biblical hope is the “joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation.” If you’re focused on anything else as a source of hope, you risk becoming disappointed or full of despair. Consider the following verse which is meant to increase your confidence in your salvation.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 NIV

Verses like this one lead believers to know their salvation is secure. God wants you to feel hopeful because of your salvation. If your salvation wasn’t secure, what is there left to put your hope in? Yes, the Christian life is based on faith, but it is based on the guaranteed future reality of eternal life, not a one-in-a-million chance. Believers must have faith in God, trust God, and hope in God because what God promises is in the future. When you see the word hope in a verse, think of the biblical definition, not the I hope I win the lottery use.

You Can Hope Because Jesus Crucified Sin

Sin might have some immediate (as in earthly) consequences, but Jesus has saved you from the worst possible consequence: spiritual death. When you become a believer, you are no longer condemned, so you are no longer without hope. Nothing can separate you from God’s love (Romans 8:1, 38-39).

You Can Hope Because God Made You An Expert

No human is gifted in every way possible. Your weaknesses tell you what not to pursue in life just like your strengths tell you what you should pursue. Both are necessary. You’ll make yourself sick if you try to compete in areas where you lack ability. But you’ll experience peace and joy when you understand (and live out) the reasons why God created you.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

God has a purpose and a plan for your life. Stay on target and you’ll feel hopeful.

You Can Hope Because You Are Growing

Not only are we not born perfect, but we also aren’t born mature. God isn’t done with you yet. It’s okay if you need more time to fully mature into all God is making you to be. It’s possible what you aren’t capable of today, you will be capable of tomorrow. If you have seen enough reasons to hope yet, here is another:

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:6-7

God wants you to grow the gifting He’s given you. God is the author and perfecter of your faith (Hebrews 12:2). Do your part to receive what God has given you and allow God to do His part to shape you into the work of art He has in mind. Keep both of these in balance and you will overflow with hope.

See the definition of the word hope.
Read about how to increase hope.
Image by Meine Reise geht hier leider zu Ende. Märchen beginnen mit from Pixabay

Is Your Fear Healthy?

October 20, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Halloween can be a fun time of dressing up and eating your favorite form of sugar. But for the careless, it can be an invitation to journey further along a dark path, unaware of the real danger ahead. It’s possible to be so ignorant or hateful of what is good, that looking upon evil with fascination is preferred.

You nearly scared me to death! We say this after becoming connected with our deepest fears when we didn’t have the time to analyze what was really taking place. Our bodies act defensively before we understand the threat is relatively harmless.

Whatever we’re focused on is where we’re heading. If we’re obsessed with fear, how will that ever end well? Excessive fascination with anything other than God is, essentially, an addiction.

I don’t blame anyone. We’re all looking for a way out of suffering. In our desperation though, let’s look to what will bring life.

Have you ever been “scared to life”? It’s an opposite reaction to a fascination with evil. One day you realize your focus is leading you over a cliff and you finally feel appropriately scared. You want to turn around and run the other direction.

That’s awesome! But if you run recklessly in another direction, you’ll eventually come to another cliff.

Healthy Fear is a Respect for Reality

A healthy fear of a deadly weapon, such as a gun, keeps you alive. With a lack of fear, or with a hysterical fear, you might end up losing a life.

Healthy fear has nothing to do with anxiety or worrying. A healthy fear recognizes that God is in control and dependence upon Him is the only way to stay alive.

Don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
Matthew 10:28 NLT

If you know of anyone who is fascinated with fear, Pergamum might help save their soul.

Pergamum is a haunted trail in Southwest Ohio “Where the dead, come to Life!” “The goal of Pergamum is to use the Halloween holiday to bring people to the realization that there is life after death. At the end of Pergamum, every visitor will be given the life-changing message of Jesus Christ and the opportunity to choose life over death.”

Image by Andreas Lischka from Pixabay

Make A Commitment To Complete Your Training

October 9, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reaching your pain threshold is enough to drive you into the recovery process. But you must make a commitment if you expect to be able to endure the pain long enough to heal emotionally. This post describes step 2 of 4 of the transformative journey.

Make A Commitment: Pursue the Help of a Counselor

When your life becomes unmanageable, when you experience a nervous breakdown, you become motivated to try a new approach to solving your problems. You seek out someone more experienced than you and willing to follow them.

In Star Wars, Luke recognizes Obi-Wan as a mentor of the force. Initially, Luke resists joining him, but he decides to take the next step forward after he sees that the empire killed his Aunt and Uncle.

Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.
Proverbs 15:22 ESV

Who in your life has more expertise in the areas in which you are struggling?

Make A Commitment: Discover Your Allies and Your Enemies

Your emotional pain will likely continue to intensify the more you strengthen your resolve to confront the enemy. The enemy’s goal is to escalate self-doubt. While your pain increases and you become more desperate, you will attract the people that will help you achieve your goals, as well as the people who will hinder your progress.

The intensifying pain forces you to make a decision one way or another. Will you commit to seeing your recovery through to its conclusion or will you turn back to your familiar ways of coping?

Luke learns that Obi-Wan, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Princess Leia are his friends. He also experiences confirmation that the empire is his enemy. He could have decided to quit. But with encouragement and support, he commits to finishing what he started.

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. What is the first thing you will do? Won’t you sit down and figure out how much it will cost and if you have enough money to pay for it? Otherwise, you will start building the tower, but not be able to finish. Then everyone who sees what is happening will laugh at you. They will say, “You started building, but could not finish the job.”
Luke 14:28-30 CEV

Are you willing to make a commitment to your recovery no matter what it costs you?

Make A Commitment: Examine the Origin of Your Problems and Distress

Moving forward in life often requires first looking backward to where you have been. This usually stirs up more pain as you look at your defects without any filters or blinders. There is no room for denial if you sincerely desire recovery.

Luke and his friends face overwhelming discouragement when they realize the empire has the power to destroy whole planets. They lose Alderaan, a peaceful planet. When they become trapped at the death star, they realize they can no longer turn back. They must overcome their problems and find a way forward.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:3-5 NIV

Are you willing to acknowledge that you have serious problems to overcome? What self-doubts only seem to complicate your path to recovery? Can you endure whatever pain is necessary in order to realize a victory? Are you willing to look beyond friends and family to God for help?

Step 1 of the Transformative Journey.
Photo by MART PRODUCTION from Pexels

Heal Your Memories

February 24, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

Wouldn’t it be nice to heal without having to relive painful memories? Unfortunately, to heal a memory, it’s necessary to face it directly. You can’t change a memory, but you can change how you see it. How you interpret life events that can create serious emotional problems. Healing a memory involves changing its meaning from negative to positive.

Your brain stores your significant memories along with how positively or negatively you interpret those personal events. That sounds great for positive memories but why would you want to store negative memories? You need to access negative memories if you want to heal.

Part of healing is learning from what happened. The re-interpreting is the learning. Therefore, remembering is essential to healing. So, it’s not a good idea to zap yourself or hit your head until you forget an awful memory.

To change a memory’s interpretation you must appeal to a higher authority than you looked to when you created the memory. Even the determination of which authority is higher is subjective. Some people look to harmful or even evil people as their authority. As Christians, we know God is the ultimate authority, but we also know our sin within can deceive us.

This is part 2 of Sean’s healing journey.

Sean’s Memories Need Healing

Sean entered into a negative cycle that seriously picked up steam during his high school years. He continued to act out in high school. Once the victim, he now became the bully. When anyone taunted him, he fought back swiftly. He hunted down those who harmed him, including those that he hadn’t spoken to in years.

One day though, Sean started feeling different. After another fight, a girl from his class spoke kindly to him, “You’re so angry. You must be really hurt inside.” He started feeling a twinge of guilt whenever he saw the hurt on his victim’s face. He remembered how sad he felt before he allowed anger to consume him. Sean didn’t understand why he was changing. God was about to draw him into a much-needed healing process.

Sean began to realize how his behavior was hurtful and pointless. What did it accomplish? No matter how many fights he got into, he still felt miserable. He made a commitment to stop mistreating others and himself. At first, this was difficult and he had mixed results. He stopped picking fights but found it more difficult to stop his binge eating.

When Sean was twenty years old, God led him through some specific memories. Sean revisited his experience of losing his bicycle at 7 years old. He felt the pain of loss like he never had before. This was actually the first time he allowed himself the luxury of grieving his loss.

The Truth Heals Sean

Sean realized for the first time that he didn’t deserve his parents’ harsh response to someone stealing his bicycle. His parents didn’t give him the opportunity to correct his ways after his mistake. His life in the past thirteen years would have been very different if his parents could have restored him gently.

God lead Sean to specific scriptures that demonstrated how He offers mercy and grace along with the truth.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14 ESV

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
Psalm 103:8 ESV

Sean became involved in a small group at his church and he told them his bicycle story. God led the members of his group to come around Sean and help him see and experience God’s love. They chipped in and purchased a new (adult) bicycle for Sean. Sean used his new bicycle to get to school and work.

Part 3 of Sean’s Story explains in more detail how to heal emotional wounds.

Sean’s Story Part 1
Sean’s Story Part 3
Image by Isa KARAKUS from Pixab ay

3 Steps To Achieve Healthy Grieving

October 25, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Grieving allows the healthy emotional resolution of a disturbing event–especially when the event seems impossible to accept.

All grieving is temporary. It is time-limited. It has a beginning and an end. Yet, it is possible to become stuck in grief. This happens because we are unable or unwilling to face the reality of a difficult event (or multiple events).

When the event seems to be too much for you, how can you become free again? To be stuck in grief is to be stuck in time. Events happen in time. Memories of those events are reminders of what you’ve been through.

1) The Past Helps You Achieve Healthy Grieving

To move forward in grief, you must first move backward in time. A substantial part of the grieving process involves working with your memories. There is a lot you can do (and perhaps need to do) in order to fully process a memory (see additional posts about this at the end of this post). But if your goal is to become unstuck, the first question to ask is: What did the event cost you?

When you attempt you answer this simple question, you have little choice but to re-enter the memory and recognize the true nature of your loss. What changed? How did the event affect your life?

You might not be willing to relive the event, but maybe you are willing to look at how your life changed for the worse because of it? After a negative event, you are never the same again. What did the event cost you?

2) The Present Helps You Achieve Healthy Grieving

After you have a clear picture of what the event cost you way back in the past somewhere, the next step is to see how the cost carries forward in your life. What is the event still costing you today?

This question helps you see how well you’ve managed the cost over time. How has the cost changed? Is it worse, the same, or improved? It can be a shock to realize how much an event from years ago is still influencing you today.

Have you been ignoring the cost or actively managing it? To complete this second step, you need to know the overall impact of the event on your life. What additional opportunities have you lost since the original event?

3) The Future Helps You Achieve Healthy Grieving

If you’ve completed steps 1 and 2, you’ve accomplished a lot. However, you can still be stuck if you haven’t allowed the event to propel you forward in some new, ground-breaking direction.

In step 1, you recognize you’re in a hole. In step 2, you learn your resistance to getting out. Step 3 pulls everything together: you determine to not only get out of the hole but build and climb a ladder that takes you higher than you have ever been. What do you want to do about the event now?

Your grieving and recovery are not fully done until you look beyond your loss to how you can change for the better. For example, if you lose a job you loved, you probably won’t get the job back, but you can focus on what you love even more which could lead to a different but better job. Or, you might even decide to become a job coach to help others with their job losses.

Another example is the loss of a loved one. You can struggle that you will never see the person again. That’s step 1 and 2. Step 3 is figuring out how your loss is changing you and how you want to make a difference because of who you are.

In step 3, you shift your focus from what you can’t do to what you can do. You can’t bring your loved one back, but, because of your loss, you can more fully realize what is most important to you and to God.

God wants you to make it through your grieving, so you can see what else is possible in your life. Grieving is necessary, but it’s not the end. You can grieve your losses, discover the cost, and find a way forward that brings positive change to yourself and others.

Image by kirillslov from Pixabay
Read more about healing memories.
Read more about growing through change as God makes all things new

All Things New

January 11, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

A traumatic event is not easily forgotten. As you begin this new year, what is one thing you’d like to forget?

If you’re in a car accident, your car doesn’t fix itself. If your tooth develops a cavity, the decay needs to be removed. When something breaks, you must decide what to do with it. Can it be restored? Is there hope, or are you better off cutting your losses?

If nothing will ever change, then hope will be impossible. Then all that remains is suffering.

God introduces the needed change.

I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?
I have put roads in deserts, streams in thirsty lands.
Isaiah 43:19 CEV

Because God is making us anew, hope is inevitable. You can change. You don’t have to remain stuck and hopeless. God is rehabilitating you. God wants you to feel hopeful.

Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new.
2 Corinthians 5:17 CEV

Forget what happened long ago! Don’t think about the past.
Isaiah 43:18 CEV

The more you can leave behind your past, the better you will be. “Leave behind” is a loaded phrase. It takes significant emotional work to leave behind difficult experiences (memories).

Therefore, to move forward, you first need to move backward. If your carpet is dirty and worn, you need to rip it out before you can install new carpet.

Grieving is the work of leaving behind. Once that raggedy carpet is gone, you can forget about it. But you don’t want to completely forget about it, otherwise, you’ll be more likely to repeat an accident (like spilling grape juice).

Grieving allows you to remember the lesson, but forget about the discomfort and shame. Forget about it. Don’t worry about it. You are free. Once you are free, you are open to all that God has for you.

What is one new thing you want God to do in your life this year?

The Paradox of Humility

December 23, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

No one can claim they are the humblest person in the world with much credibility. But those of us who struggle with self-worth know that confidence is equally elusive.

Somehow though, confidence and humility are the same thing. If you are confident (but not arrogant), you’ll also be humble. And if you’re humble (but not engaging in false humility), you’ll also be confident.

Doesn’t that seem strange that appropriate confidence, the kind God wants us to have, is also a way to express humility? I mean strange in the sense that confident probably isn’t the first word that comes to mind when you think of humility. But how could it be any other way?

God who is all powerful clothed Himself with humanity. If there is a paradox, Jesus represents it perfectly.

To be strong doesn’t mean to be closed or unreachable. God’s strength is approachable. Jesus’s birth offers us the greatest hope possible.

We are creatures of habit. Once we know how to do something, we go on autopilot.

If you’ve ever experienced a negative, false belief about yourself, you know firsthand the intense struggle that is required to put off the false and put on the truth.

You can’t have confidence and humility without also having peace and joy.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

In your quest to become more confident and humble, remember that it feels like peace, joy, and rest. I bless you now with rest for your soul. Amen.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Surviving On The Fringe

May 3, 2020 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Are you on the fringe? Fringe means “to be on the outskirts.” That can be good or bad depending upon what it at the center.

Last week I wrote about feeling on the outskirts of God and what He is doing in the world. But what if we flip that around and define fringe as being on the outskirts of what the world is doing? Then being on the fringe would be a good thing.

Jesus lived on the fringe while He was on earth. The leaders at the time expected Him to join them in their agenda. But Jesus certainly lived as if not engrossed in the world:

What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
1 Corinthians 7:29-31 NIV

If you find yourself depressed and anxious about what is happening in the world, maybe you are too deeply engrossed? What is too engrossed? This means living as if this life is all there is. If it were all there is, you’d have to put your full hope in it. You’d have no other choice.

If you are holding too tightly to this world, you’re going to feel discouraged. You’re going to be worried because this world in its present form is passing away. But, there is another option besides hoping in this world.

If you are in Christ, you are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). God has separated you out from this world. He’s brought you to the fringe. He’s sent you into the world to help it, not to be engrossed in it (1).

Don’t love the world or anything that belongs to the world. If you love the world, you cannot love the Father. Our foolish pride comes from this world, and so do our selfish desires and our desire to have everything we see. None of this comes from the Father. The world and the desires it causes are disappearing. But if we obey God, we will live forever.
1 John 2:15-17 CEV

Jesus had no place to lay His head (Luke 9:58). Of course, this doesn’t mean that He never slept lying down. It means He didn’t ever settle down as if this was His permanent home.

Sure – it’s okay to own a home and live in it. More important that where you live is how attached you are to your life in this world. It’s impossible to be completely satisfied with this world. If you try to find your life somewhere in the world, you will feel empty and disappointed.

But if you join Jesus at the fringe, you will find your life and you’ll be in good company. You can be on the fringe and not feel lonely.

If you’ve been engrossed in the world, it takes time to detach from it. At some point you have to let go of the world.

Have you ever lost something and become focused on finding it? What if you can’t find it? Eventually you have to move on. If you spend your life consumed with what you’ve lost, your life will be compromised. It won’t be all it could be.

Imagine what it feels like to let go of what you’ve lost and move on. That’s what you need to do with the world. The world isn’t as great as you thought it was. That’s good or bad depending upon how you look at it. If you can give up on finding your ultimate happiness in it, you’ll end up content and peaceful.

(1) https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/lets-revise-the-popular-phrase-in-but-not-of
Image by Paul Brennan from Pixabay

How To Live With Rejection

May 10, 2020 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Confidence is the antidote to rejection. It’s easy to think that confidence is only something other people can have. But you can have it too. The secret to confidence is to stop trying to be something you’re not.

Living with the excruciating pain of rejection is hard. Some people would rather be physically beaten than be emotionally beaten.

Does anyone in the world like you? Does anyone want to spend time getting to know you? Does anyone appreciate you? Does God? If you answer these questions “no” then you are living with the oppressive feeling of rejection.

Rejection, though it feels real, is more of an illusion than a reality, if you know Jesus. God knew you before you were born. Jesus redeemed you from all sin that separated you from God. God accepts you exactly as you are.

But this doesn’t mean you won’t struggle with rejection. You have experienced some rejection and you’ll experience some more. To gain confidence, you must learn to not care about the rejection that others direct your way.

Rejection can easily become a downward spiral. None of us knows who we are as much as God knows who we are. The more you’ve experienced rejection, the more you’ve probably gone into hiding. The more you are in hiding, the more people are rejecting the false you (because you are keeping the real you out of sight). But it will still feel like people are rejecting the real you, so you end up hurting more and hiding more.

There is no good reason for anyone to reject the best parts of you that come from God. Therefore, rejection has to do with being misunderstood rather than being defective. I would guess people with obvious disabilities experience this all the time in a much more direct way. How frustrating it is to be judged superficially. How frustrating to be judged instantly and only based on your performance in one moment rather than your potential.

How much have you become your own worst enemy? If you struggle with rejection, you struggle to understand who you really are. If you’ve stopped wanting to know the real you, it will be difficult for others to see you (as in “I see you” from the movie Avatar).

God sees your potential. Your potential comes from your heart, from who God made you to be. He sees you at your best even when you look your worst. You have the best qualities that God placed in you.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7 NLT

If you struggle with low self-worth, you might be quick to focus on the negative part of this verse. You might be thinking, “But God rejected Eliab, so that means He most likely rejects me.”

God has the right to choose whoever He wants for what He wants to accomplish. God can’t make everybody king. Just because you are rejected for one thing, doesn’t mean you are completely rejected. God will reject you for everything He doesn’t have planned for your life. But this also means He accepts you for all the good things He has planned.

So don’t worry so much about rejection. You’ll probably be rejected 99 times out of a 100. But it’s that 1 out of 100 that matters. You only need 1. Cling to the truth that God accepts you as you are, for the purposes He has for you. Ask God to help you understand your purpose and forget about what He hasn’t chosen you for.

Image by Ulrike Leone from Pixabay