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The Importance of Self-Care

November 18, 2010 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

How do you know when you are lacking in self-care? When you are in a state of Dis-Ease. How can you move from disease to ease?

Consequences of Poor Self-Care

A major effect of poor self-care is losing awareness of what you are feeling, usually before it is too late. When you are tired, hungry, overly stressed out, or in bad physical shape, you may be more emotionally reactive. For example, think about a time when you were feeling overwhelmed with your circumstances. Was harder for you to manage your emotions? Did you snap at people who did not deserve it? Did you start crying for no apparent reason? Were you overly anxious and not sure why?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you likely were so disconnected from your feelings, that you reacted more strongly to a situation that warranted. This results in feeling confused by your display of emotion. Having poor self-care habits will interfere with responding to a situation in an appropriate manner.

The following is a partial list of symptoms to help you identify if you need better self-care:

  • Diminished concentration
  • Confusion
  • Questioning the meaning of life
  • Questioning prior convictions
  • Apathy
  • Rigidity
  • Self-doubt
  • Memory problems
  • Powerlessness – helplessness
  • Shutting down – numbness
  • Hypersensitivity
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Appetite changes
  • Negative coping (alcohol, drug, or other substance misuses)
  • Increased conflict
  • Difficulty breathing
  • Twitches
  • Chest pain
  • Headaches

Greater Awareness – The First Step to Better Self-Care

What is the opposite of self-care? Self-injury. We can harm ourselves by either staying in harm’s way (enduring abuse) or staying away from loving care (enduring neglect). Sometimes we don’t have a choice. We must complete a task – or – we are too young or weak to escape. How do we survive when faced with ongoing harm? If we must walk through harm’s way long enough, we will desensitize ourselves. We will ignore or forget about the pain and symptoms.

As adults, we usually have a choice. Why do so many forgo self-care? It is simply a matter of priorities. We can say we are committed to our ideals, but our true priorities are revealed by what we do. There is a tradeoff between speed and efficiency, accomplishment, and longevity. We can accomplish a lot more (in the moment) when we are disconnected from our feelings. But, long-term our bodies will deteriorate and chances are, we will die sooner.

Better self-care starts with a better awareness of our bodies. We’ve all been to the doctor for a check-up. When was the last time you did a self check-in? A check-in is simply sitting quietly to sense what is happening in your body and reconnect what has become disconnected. Ask yourself the following. What am I feeling in my body? Where am I feeling it? Why might I be feeling it this way? Consider these three areas:

  • Sleep: do I feel exhausted or rested and refreshed?
  • Food: do I feel weak and lethargic or strong and energetic?
  • Maintenance: am I in pain and carrying tension (disease) or am I relaxed and at ease?

Many people think of self-care as a luxury when God intended us to always care for ourselves. Chronic denial of self-care is an indication of a deeper issue. At New Reflections Counseling, we provide a safe place for you to “tune-in” and understand what is happening. If you want help with self-care, contact us at New Reflections Counseling. If it is okay to go to the gym or doctor for physical health, then it is okay to go to a counselor for your emotional health.

Reflections

On an airplane, an oxygen mask descends in front of you. What do you do? As we all know, the first rule is to put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. Only when we first help ourselves can we effectively help others. Caring for yourself is one of the most important—and one of the most often forgotten—things you can do as a caregiver. When your needs are taken care of, the person you care for will benefit, too.

What is your oxygen mask? What will help you breathe easier? What actions do you need to take for better health?

Resources

Luke 10:27
And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Self-Care, Healing in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

Experiencing God

December 18, 2010 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Experiencing God Meeting Your Needs

God made us to have needs. How do you respond when God appears out of reach? It cuts to the core. It’s easy to respond negatively. What’s really going on here?

The Fox and the Grapes

A famished fox saw a cluster of ripe grapes hanging from a trellised vine. She resorted to all her tricks to get at them, but wearied herself in vain, for she could not reach them. At last she turned away, hiding her disappointment and saying: “The Grapes are sour, and not ripe as I thought.”

Wanting Something But Cannot Get It

Has this ever happened to you? You want something, but you cannot get it, and so you despise it? It is easy to despise what you cannot get. Then there is cognitive dissonance – wanting something, but not wanting it. What is cognitive dissonance? It’s a tension. When we are frustrated it is tempting to take an easy way out. It is the place where you reach where you hold seemingly contradictory thoughts at the same time. It is a place of confusion – uncertainty. When you find yourself frozen in your tracks and unable to make a decision, you might be experiencing C.D. Why else would you feel that way? That’s got to be tough – to want something so badly, but realize it’s beyond your grasp. The easy way out is to pretend you never needed in the first place.

More than Grapes

This applies to dating, and a whole lot of other things too. It applies to our hopes and dreams. It applies to our efforts. It applies to our self-worth. How? When we want something, but cannot attain it, it is certainly frustrating! Frustration combined with some unhealthy thinking leads to turning the frustration inward – taking it out on yourself. And wah-la — you are not just despising what you cannot get, you are despising yourself because you cannot get what you want. “I guess I didn’t deserve that anyway” or “I guess God doesn’t want me to have that” or “That must have been a bad thing for me because God isn’t allowing me to have it” “The grapes are sour anyway – I know it”.

Alternatives to Sour Grapes

Are there alternatives? You can get a ladder. Get some help! Are the grapes worth getting or not? Is the land flowing with milk and honey worth it or not? Or “is the land full of giants?” The land is spoiled. Unattainable. God won’t be with us. He doesn’t want the best for us. We are like grasshoppers. We can’t do it. I didn’t want it anyway. I am not worthy of such good grapes. I’ll take the sure bet – what I can achieve on my own.

What else can you do? You can look for lower hanging grapes. The grapes aren’t sour, they are presently out of reach. You can get them eventually. Don’t give up. Be patient. Be persistant. Be determined. Buy time. Don’t take your eye off the prize.

Reflections

Ask yourself – how does the fox feel about himself when he cannot get he grapes? Can he feel very good if he “curses” the grapes? What are the grapes in your life? Would you like some help to reach your grapes? I love helping people reach their grapes through focused determination and insights that help them see themselves as God sees them, and help people see God as he really is – a grape provider. Or, as we are sheep, God is a grass provider.

Resources

Numbers 13:32-33

And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 23:1

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.

Read on Bible Gateway

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying.

Experience can clash with expectations, as, for example, with buyer’s remorse following the purchase of an expensive item. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.

Read more on wikipedia

Filed Under: Core Longings, Healing in Christ, Self-Image Tagged With: appcontent, self-worth

God Is The Only Place of Safety

God Is The Only Place Of Safety

March 8, 2015 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

How do you define safety? What is a safe place for you? A safe place has some element of predictability and consistency.

What do the following have in common?

  • Trying to squeeze water from a rock
  • Expecting a promotion but instead getting fired
  • Laying down to go to sleep only to hear loud music
  • Taking a drink anticipating water and getting vinegar instead

These all have something to do with expectations. Specifically, misplaced confidence in life situations that can never be fully reliable. But we all desire to find a source that satisfies our deepest longings. This can lead to a lot of frustration. If you are frustrated, this means you are moving in the right direction. Frustrated people are tired of what doesn’t work. They are ready for the true solution.

Our desire for love can drive us to rationalize just about any behavior. If we can’t find love the way we want it, it’s easy to turn to imitations like drugs, achievements, sex, food, or entertainment. As intolerable as being unloved is, if we lose sight of where love comes from, we will ultimately destroy our relationships.

While in the right context, none of those “imitations” are bad, they also can’t come close to the kind of safety that God provides. God made us to experience love. So when we don’t experience it, our suffering is genuine because we know something is deeply wrong. We get frustrated but we shouldn’t give up. We need to keep crying out for love, otherwise, we won’t be ready to receive it.

We can submit and surrender ourselves to anything, treating it as a source. Some sources are life-giving and some are life-stealing. Most of our sources will fail us in one way or another. They may be excellent sources with natural limits, or they may be horrible substitutes for the fullness of life. God is the only true and trustworthy source that will never run out or fail us.

There are no guarantees in life… except… God. All else might fail you, but God won’t ever fail you. This doesn’t mean that you won’t experience disappointment. God might not live up to your expectations, but because God doesn’t change, He is always reliable.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
    my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
    and my place of safety.

Psalm 18:2 NLT

God Provides Safety Because He Protects

There might be moments when you don’t feel protected. Bad things happen. But God’s overall plan is to preserve you by saving you out of a position of defeat.

For the Lord your God is going with you! He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!

Deuteronomy 20:4 NLT

God’s plan for you is victory.

God Provides Safety Because He is Powerful

There might be moments when you feel weak. Some things are impossible for you. But what is impossible for you is possible for God (if He wants it to happen). If you need saving, or whatever you need, God has the power to do it (Luke 18:27).

God Provides Safety Because He is Merciful

God isn’t waiting for your first mistake so He can unleash His wrath. His wrath is reserved for His enemies. If you are a believer, then you are no longer an enemy but you are a friend of God (Romans 5:10). God is the epitome of safety because He is patient with us.

But you, the Lord God,
    are kind and merciful.
You don’t easily get angry,
and your love
    can always be trusted.

Psalm 86:15 CEV

If you are feeling unsafe and you can’t trust God, that could be because your expectations are at odds with God. You want to go left and God steers your life to the right. You want to go up and God steers your life down. This process is needed to remove all reliance on everything but God. You will discover that the direction life takes is the right one, when God is with you on the journey. As you increase your reliance on God, you will experience God’s safety.

If you are struggling in your marriage, could you be expecting your partner to be your source instead of God? Are you trying to be self-sufficient instead of abiding in Jesus?

If you feel let down by how your life has played out, could you be desiring fulfillment in this life apart from God? God is the ultimate source of fulfillment.

Look at what has been happening in your life recently. Do you see any indications of God leading you? If the journey has been unpleasant, could this be because God wants you to draw hope from Him instead of His creation?

Read more about security.
Image by Jerzy Górecki from Pixabay
Last updated September 4, 2022

Filed Under: Core Longings, Healing in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

3 Stages For Improving Marriage Today

3 Stages For Improving Marriage Today

February 18, 2011 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Forming a healthy, mature marriage relationship is one of the hardest yet most rewarding journeys you can undertake. Many couples struggle, not due to a lack of love, but because lasting unity requires intentional growth. While love creates a foundation, true marital strength comes from continuous development.

To help navigate this journey, marriage growth can be divided into three overlapping stages. Although couples may need help in all three areas throughout life, each stage builds upon the previous one to form a fruitful, enduring connection.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:24-25 ESV

This verse highlights the ultimate goal of marriage—oneness, both spiritually and emotionally. However, this unity does not happen instantly. It is a process requiring growth and refinement, much like a seed planted in fertile soil. Without intentional care, weeds of selfishness, miscommunication, and personal struggles can hinder its flourishing.

Marriage is more than a legal agreement or emotional attachment; it is a covenant designed by God, calling spouses into an intimate, lasting union. Developing that union takes time, effort, and wisdom.

Stage #1: Preparing Individuals for Marriage

The first step toward a strong marriage is developing two emotionally healthy adults who are ready for a lifelong commitment. Before a relationship can thrive, each person must become whole individually—capable of handling conflict, taking responsibility, and pursuing spiritual growth.

Without a strong foundation, relationships crumble under pressure. Many relationships face early struggles when couples rush into marriage, believing love alone will sustain them, only to later realize they did not truly understand their partner. If emotional wounds, unhealthy habits, or unrealistic expectations exist, they will eventually surface, leading to disappointment or conflict.

For those already married, investing in personal growth is crucial. It takes time and effort to heal past wounds, build emotional strength, and become a healthier spouse. Counseling, mentorship, and personal reflection can help strengthen individual emotional health, ensuring both spouses contribute positively to the relationship.

Stage #2: Practicing Teamwork in Marriage

Once individual health is established, the next challenge is learning to function as a team. Many couples enter marriage with strong individual identities but struggle to blend them into a harmonious partnership.

Teamwork requires communication, patience, and compromise—skills that are learned over time. Challenges often arise in areas like decision-making, handling finances, or defining shared goals. Couples who acknowledge and work through these struggles will strengthen their bond.

Marriage is not just two people coexisting but two individuals learning to operate as one. Attempting to work together may uncover hidden wounds or habits from the past, requiring deeper self-reflection and healing. Individual issues may surface such as trust struggles, communication gaps, or fears from past relationships. It is important to recognize these challenges and develop the ability to know how each individual contributes to the marriage issues.

Empathy and negotiation are invaluable during this stage. A healthy couple seeks to understand each other fully, choosing collaboration over competition. Marriage counseling and relationship-building exercises can strengthen teamwork, fostering a healthier dynamic between spouses.

Stage #3: Performing Together in Marriage

In this final stage, the couple moves beyond working on their relationship and begins to use their unified strength for greater purposes. A mature marriage is not just about personal fulfillment, it is about living out a meaningful, shared purpose.

Couples at this stage thrive in parenting together, serving in ministry, or creating a lasting legacy through family, career, or faith. Instead of solely focusing on their relationship, they embrace a mission beyond themselves. They walk confidently in a sense of calling, knowing their marriage is designed for something greater.

At this level, marriage reflects God’s design—a bond producing lasting fruit beyond itself. Couples thriving in this stage often feel deep fulfillment, knowing their unity has a lasting impact on those around them.

For Reflection

Which stage best represents your marriage right now?

If your greatest need is the first stage, consider individual counseling or premarital counseling to establish a solid foundation. If you need help in the second stage, explore marriage counseling or team-building strategies to strengthen communication and conflict resolution. If you are consistently reaching the third stage, consider mentoring other couples and sharing wisdom from your marriage journey.

Marriage is a lifelong process, with each season bringing new challenges and growth opportunities. No matter where you are, embrace the journey, knowing that a healthy marriage is built day by day, through love, grace, and intentional effort.

Learn more about how to develop oneness.
Image by olcay ertem from Pixabay
Last Updated 20250518

Filed Under: Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

Change in Marriage

May 1, 2009 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Commitment to Growth

A successful marriage requires two people committed to self-growth. Self-growth is a way of life that includes regular reflection on how to close the gap between who you are and who you want to be (who God made you to be). But even when your partner does not share your enthusiasm for growth, it does not limit you in any way from growing. You can achieve success in life without having a successful marriage. If your partner is not participating this does not excuse you from continuing your own growth. This is confusing for many. Actually, when your partner is not participating, it is the perfect time to see how much you’ve grown. Of course, it is more difficult to be in a marriage when you are the only one wanting to improve the relationship. The trick is knowing what you are responsible for.

Some tasks require two people. Imagine you are working in your yard and there is a pile of rocks you want to move. Some rocks you can move by yourself; others are big enough to require two people. When you are working alone, how long should you try to move the two-person rocks? Would you think of yourself as a failure because you cannot move the two-person rocks and finish the job alone? If your partner is not with you, then no one, including God, expects you to finish the job. You are not responsible for the outcome. You are only responsible for what you can complete with the strength God provides. When your partner is helping, more is expected than when you are working alone.

Growing Together is a Choice

Couples who commit to growth choose to have a better marriage. As a counselor, I frequently hear couples tell me, “We have grown apart. We feel little for each other. We are like roommates who do not see each other much. The love is gone from our marriage.” It is an attempt to prove their marriage is dead and divorce is the only realistic option. This is nothing less than a decision to abandon a spouse for failure to grow. For these couples, there comes a time when someone says, “I cannot do this any longer.” Most of the time what is really being said is, “I choose to not do this any longer. The effort required to grow under these circumstances is not worth it to me.”

Growth is a constant need for all – all who are considered “among the living”. Growth keeps us alive. Those who are not growing are tired – their enthusiasm for life is fading. When both partners are truly growing then it is impossible to grow apart – instead they will be growing in mature love and it will keep them together. When a couple says they are “growing apart” can the couple really say they are growing? All they can say is they do not want to grow enough to stay married. If someone experiences complete satisfaction, there is no reason to seek more. And without seeking more, there is no growth. No one can say, “I’ve maxed out on growth”. But there are seasons to change. There are times in life when we have more energy and God’s grace to change. At other times we are weak and want only what is easiest.

Ladder of Acceptance

Seeking instant gratification profits little because the goals are so small. Seeking one’s own pleasure requires little if any discipline and sacrifice and does not result in lasting pleasure or hope. Eventually, it becomes tiresome. Making changes to stop living in the short-term requires determination and a high tolerance for postponing hunger for immediate satisfaction. For longer-lasting pleasure and hope, we must choose larger goals and desires that take more time and effort to reach fulfillment.

I call this process climbing the ladder of change. There are at least four rungs:

  • I don’t want to change. I only want what will bring the most immediate satisfaction.
  • I don’t want to change. But I am realizing seeking immediate gratification does not bring lasting satisfaction. Whatever I do to feel better wears off quickly and I am left with all the same problems. I would like to be less selfish, but I don’t know how to make that happen. So I continue seeking my pleasure to cover over the pain.
  • My spouse soaks up any love I give and offers nothing in return. It is like I am giving to a black hole.
  • I realize it is best to change. The Bible teaches I should look to others’ interests. More often than not, I continue to seek immediate satisfaction. Some of the time I am able to seek other’s best interest.
  • I am excited about the idea of not just living for myself, but in giving of myself to others. Growth is satisfying. While at times I seek my own pleasure, I also regularly seek other’s best interest.

A Little More Every Day

Growth is essential for life. Growth is essential for a marriage. Growth cannot be rushed nor forced. We need a lifetime or more to get love right. Regardless of your place in life (married or single), develop a love for growth. Realizing your need for growth will keep you sober, and allow both you and your partner space to grow.

Notice the little changes your partner makes. Praise and encourage their efforts. Find your own way of coping when your partner is not available and cooperating. Remove dependence on your partner’s ability to change for your own happiness. When your partner cannot meet your needs, take care of yourself by finding legitimate ways to meet your needs without pressuring your partner. Then bring your new found growth back to share with your partner! How do we grow better at marriage? You will always come out ahead if you grow a little every day by God’s grace.

Reflections

You will change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of making a change.

It takes more effort to stop growing than to keep growing.

Men are anxious to improve their circumstances but are unwilling to improve themselves.

James Allen

Resources

2 Peter 3:18
But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

The Breathable Marriage

April 1, 2009 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Sheltering or Suffering

Marriage is not “until one of us cannot take it anymore”. It’s until death do us part. Unfortunately, too many people rationalize their way out of their commitment when their circumstances change. It is at this point a person’s dependence on their partner is revealed. The subtle “I deserve better than this” awakens and begs to be released from the promise. What happens when we look to a relationship for more than it can provide? It becomes an idol.

If pursued according to God’s design, marriage will be a shelter protecting husband, wife, children, and maybe even others. But, to a struggling couple, marriage can be like a tomb. Have you ever felt like the walls were closing in on you? Have you ever thought, “How can we possibly live under the same roof?” A conflicted couple will start to feel their relationship is suffocating rather than sheltering. The air is stale. Breathing is arduous.

Your Marriage Reflects Your Focus

When marriage becomes a place of suffering, momentum can keep you spiraling down. If you continue to focus on what is going wrong, you will lose sight of all that is positive. One way to stop the downward momentum is to accept an honest assessment of your situation.

Underneath the suffering, there can be a dependence on your spouse for your happiness. You think, “Marriage is supposed to make me happy,” or “Marriage is supposed to meet my unmet needs.” The problem with this is when the marriage does not meet your expectations, it is convenient to conclude the marriage is defective and must be discarded. Focusing on what isn’t there doesn’t replenish positives. If you focus on what is not happening the way you want it to happen, it will slowly consume you to where you are imprisoned in an unhappy marriage – because you are unhappy. You might begin to think, “I have got to get out at all costs.”

I Have What it Takes

Where there are difficulties it is nice to think you can make up the difference. But, sometimes loving another person is like trying to squeeze water from a rock. Have you ever felt discouraged because you did not have it in you to love a difficult person? Have you felt things like:

  • If I could do such and such, then my partner would be happy and our relationship would get better.
  • I’d be better off giving to someone who appreciates my efforts.
  • My spouse soaks up any love I give and offers nothing in return. It is like I am giving to a black hole.
  • I can love you out of your deficiencies – and then you will be able to love me in return.
  • I cannot love you; I am a failure.

It is hard to face that you are not enough for your partner. It leads to feeling insecure. Actually, this is a good sign because God never intended for you to have what it takes. Where you go next is critical. When you realize you cannot love your partner, will you look to God for help?

Escalation

By the time a marriage is failing, it is taking place increasingly as a closed system. A closed system has increased panic and decreased rational thinking. We focus on our survival to the point of eliminating anyone or anything standing in our way. When two are responsible, and you realize you do not have the resources to make it work, it is easy to blame your partner for failure. With fixed resources, two alone cannot sustain each other. It puts too much pressure on one person to meet the needs of the other.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to cause it to fail. But likewise, it only takes one to cause you to fail. That you is you! It is possible to focus too much on marital success. A lack of progress does not equal failure. When you care more about the success of your marriage for the sake of its benefit than your partner’s wellbeing, you’ve lost before you’ve begun. People abandon their partners when they do not want to go down with a sinking ship. In a panic, they cut the line which tethers them to their partner. But instead of catching their breath and diving after their partner, they walk (or run) away. Cutting the line does not have to mean abandoning – it can mean removing unhealthy dependence which will breathe new life into a marriage.

Letting God In

In a closed system, the pain of the relationship cannot escape. The pain can only be passed back and forth. Marriage is not supposed to be an “us two alone in this together”. In the midst of intense emotional struggle, it is difficult to identify other options beyond the immediate relief of giving in (okay we will do whatever you want) or giving up (I cannot take it anymore). But there are other options to consider. Have you really tried trusting that you’ll be okay even when your marriage is struggling? Do you believe God is with you no matter how your spouse behaves?

Letting God in means there is another source beyond your partner. It means accepting what your partner can give and looking to God to provide the rest. You will not die if your marriage is struggling. When relying on God, your survival does not depend on your marriage; instead, you have the freedom to contribute new life to your marriage. God is the vine. Read John 15:1-17 and consider if there are any ways you are inappropriately leaning on your spouse.

Reflections

Marriages are always moving from one season to another. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter–discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer–comfortable, relaxed, and enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature.

GARY D. CHAPMAN

Resources

John 15:5
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

Is Your Forgiveness Incomplete?

Forgiveness

June 1, 2010 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

What is Forgiveness Good For?

Forgiveness is the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit. It heals conflict within people, between people, and between people and God. Forgiveness removes bitterness, a cancerous blockage that infects and destroys people and relationships. Forgiveness and healing go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Failure to forgive is often the main obstacle to moving forward in freedom. “Forgive” can be broken down into “give for”. God gives to us, we give to others, and others give to us.

What Forgiveness Is

  • Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them (to cancel a debt you have to know the fullness of the damage)
  • Choosing to keep no records of wrong (the debt has to die and not be resurrected later)
  • Refusing to punish (punishing creates more hurt and usually can’t bring back what you lost)
  • Relinquishing any debt (no longer expecting repaying)
  • Not telling what they did (not gossiping)
  • Being merciful (because God is merciful)
  • Absence of bitterness (this only denies that God cares about you)
  • Looking to God to make things right by bringing healing and making repayment as He sees fit

What Forgiveness is Not

  • Approval of what was done to you (it is possible to cancel a debt and still see the truth of its wrongness)
  • Excusing what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Justifying what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Pardoning what they did (this is a counterfeit because the hurt is not really confronted)
  • Reconciliation of the relationship (forgiveness enables this, but does not guarantee it)
  • Denying what they did (essentially the same as pardoning)
  • Forgetting (it is possible to remember but not be bitter if you have truly experienced healing)
  • Refusing to take the wrong seriously (this is minimizing it)
  • Pretending you are not hurt (this is not honest)

Reflections on Forgiveness

He who cannot forgive another breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.
– George Herbert

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
– C.S. Lewis

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
– Leo Tolstoy

The most powerful agent of growth and transformation is something much more basic than any technique: a change of heart.
– John Welwood

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
– Dr. Robert Anthony

Nothing is easy to the unwilling.
– Thomas Fuller

Resources on Forgiveness

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compelling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer
Heavenly Father, I choose as an act of my will to forgive [person]. I forgive [person] for [list of specific offenses]. I release [person]. I ask you to forgive [person] for all these things as well and that you do not hold these things against [person] on my account.

Heavenly Father, I ask you to forgive me for holding unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, etc., in my heart towards [person]. I receive your forgiveness and cleansing of my heart from all unrighteousness.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for holding resentment towards you and for allowing these hurts to happen to me. If I have any more negative feelings stored up in me towards [person], I ask you to cleanse them from me now. I open myself to replace these negative emotions with the fruit of your Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience…)

Heavenly Father, I ask you now to heal the wounded places in my soul. Heal every memory of those offenses so I can look back on them, realistically accepting they were hurtful, and trusting you have healed the hurt. Enable me to use this experience to help others with whom I come into contact.

Heavenly Father, bless [person] with your abundant mercy. Prosper [person] in every way. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

Image by 춘성 강 from Pixabay
Last updated 2022/11/20

Filed Under: Healing in Christ, Marriage in Christ, Self-Care Tagged With: appcontent, attitude, Forgiveness, heart

Breaking Through the Love Barrier

July 18, 2011 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Growing Past Barriers in Your Marriage

God made us to be growing and changing. But we are not always growing at the same rate. Sometimes we experience slow growth, and others times fast growth. A growth spurt is usually preceded by a period of rest and even complacency, followed by a period of difficulty and frustration, followed by a determination to choose faith over fear. When faith is excercised and the barrier is past, there is once again a period of rest.

The Sound Barrier

In 1947 Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound. As pilots approached the speed of sound they experienced a barrier called a shock wave. When they hit the shock wave, their plane shook and they retreated. Many pilots died in crashes. But Yeager found that when he accelerated past the sound barrier the plane flew well. Before the barrier is reached, there is resistance. After the barrier is reached, there is peace.

There were planes which could break the sound barrier prior to Yeager. When these pilots went up and approached the speed of sound, the plane shook violently. The more the plane shook, the more frightened the pilot became. When a pilot would try to slow the plane down, often he would crash. The same thing happened to other pilots because they responded to the resistance with fear and backed off from their attempt to achieve a break through.

When Chuck Yeager attempted to break the sound barrier, all the same things happened. His plane shook violently and he became afraid. But, he responded differently to his circumstances. Instead of giving up and slowing down, he decided, “if I am going to die, I am going to go out in style.” Instead of slowing down, he sped up and the rest is history. It’s okay to be afraid, because everyone encounters fear. But what you do after that makes all the difference.

The Love Barrier

Thankfully God has provided a man and woman some “rocket fuel” to get their marriage off the ground. This fuel is potent stuff. I am speaking figuratively about the onboard hormones (and biochemicals) which drive mutual attraction. These are more than sufficient to bring about feelings of being “in love.” When two people are “in love” there is a sort of magical effortlessness to the relationship. It is this effortlessness that drives the two together.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending upon how you look at it, this state of effortlessness does not last forever. Eventually it runs it course and the same effortless effect is no longer present. This is when a marriage is most vulnerable to shakes and fears. Life and marriage are not without challenges. At this point there develops a fork in the road. How will the couple interpret this lack of feeling in love? Many couples will conclude that because they are no longer in love, there is no point in staying in the relationship. They fear their own lack of ability to produce effortless love. When love becomes work, they back away in fear.

It takes a certain amount of maturity to break this Love Barrier. Marriage is about hanging into there and pressing forward even in the midst of shakes and fears. Press on, pray, and persevere until you make your break through. You will need to overcome by expanding your horizon. Believe in faith there is something better ahead. If you don’t look out very far, then it is easy to make a hasty decision that looks good in the short term. A short term gain might reduce the immediate pressure, but it will mean the eventual crash of your marriage.

Conclusion

Once you’ve experienced moving past a barrier, you are forever changed. Your brain chemistry maps a new neurological path directly related to your new experience (of successfully breaking the barrier). The next time you are faced with the same barrier, it will be easier to push through. The same barrier will no longer be challenging to you. Enjoy this time of rest, because God is infinite and there are always new horizons to explore.

Reflections

  1. What barriers are you facing in your life? In your marriage?
  2. What fears are preventing you from moving forward past the barriers and into doing what is right?
  3. Is there anything you need to strenghen your faith? Ask Jesus for it now. When there are strong shakes and fears, consider counseling to help you break the love barrier.

Resources

Romans 5:3-4

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Read on Bible Gateway

James 1:3-4

…because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 25:9

He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

What To Do When Life Feels Out of Control

April 18, 2011 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

3 Steps When You are Overwhelmed

Life happens. What do you do when it’s not what you were expecting? If God is loving, how come He allows (seemingly) random tradgedies in our lives? When we are in serious pain, it is easy to push a (seemingly) passive God further away. Sometimes it even feels God is aggressively destroying us. How does God stand idlely by? Should our goal be to rid ourselves of pain? What other thing do you instinctually grab for even when the “right answer” is before you? These questions can be summarized down to one other question. Who (or what) do you really trust in? We know the Bible says God is trustworthy. Often God doesn’t feel trustworthy. What can you do when you feel overwhelmed?

Endure Hardship

Endure. Be still. Refocus. We can accept hardship as discipline. Can we? Does it work? What happens when we are already not trusting God, and something (else) terrible happens? God has “rejected us”, so we want to reject Him! Maybe that is good. Because, the God we are angry at is not the true God. We should reject the false God and look to the true God. We can accept hardship in our lives. The trick is to see it in the right light. Most of the time we see hardship as negative – an indication that God has removed His love from us. But Hebrews 12:5-11 turns this around. Hardship proves we are legitimately God’s child.

Fear or Faith

When we are overwhelmed, it leaves the door open for fear. In the midst of feeling overwhelmed, check in with yourself. How high is your fear level? Are you a conduit of fear or faith? Fear has a way of disrupting life and making matters much worse than they are (pretty much true of any kind of darkness). The Bible says perfect love casts out fear. Each day, find some way to open the door to God’s love.

Cast your Anxiety

We can open ourselves by casting our anxiety on God. God knows we suffer, because He suffered too. There is no better way to suffer than to suffer in the presence of God. With our faith, we trust again that God will hear. We pour out our feelings to God, so God can fill us with good things – perfect love. This is not an easy process. Grieving never is. But it is on the path to healing.

Reflections

  1. Is it easier to endure hardship when you know (you really feel) you are God’s child?
  2. When you are overwhelmed, pay attention to how much you responding in fear or in faith. Are you surprised? How much is pure fear?
  3. How do you feel about pouring out your anxiety in faith?
  4. Jesus, help us turn to you when our circumstances do not make sense. Teach us to trust. Amen.

Resources

Hebrews 12:5-11

… Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. …

Read on Bible Gateway

1 John 4:18

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Read on Bible Gateway

1 Peter 5:6-11

… Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. … And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Salvation in Christ, God's Kingdom Tagged With: appcontent, faith, fear, suffering

You Be The Judge

March 18, 2012 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Are We Supposed to Judge?

Wikipedia defines judgment as, “the evaluation of evidence in the making of a decision.” Matthew 7:1 says, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” At first glance it would appear we should avoid all judgment. Even looking further in verses 3 – 5 we can see even more reason to avoid judging others. However, as we will see the Bible acknowledges judgment as necessary. Therefore, “do not judge” in Matthew 7 has to do with the motivations of the heart when judging, not an absolute prohibition.

Good Judgment Brings Healing

Judgment is a necessary part of life. God is Judge and all fair judgment begins with God. In 1 Corinthians 6:1-6, we find that God’s people will judge the world and angels. Right judgment is empowered by the Spirit. The Spirit gives wisdom and discernment. Solomon was the wisest person ever to live. He judged between many people. His succeeded because he had God’s gifting.

Judgment brings order and maintains peace. We make judgments (discernments) all the time. It is what helps us make good decisions. We decide which job to take, which person to marry, which house to buy, etc. As parents we judge between siblings all the time. Godly discernment is a good thing.

Poor Judgment Brings Destruction

Bad judgment has sinful motives. A person giving bad judgment may do so to look better. A critical spirit is always wrong; it seeks the destruction of the other. One sign of bad judgment is that the person has not first considered how their judgment applies to their self. If this is done first, they will be more humble when seeking to correct a brother. I think this is why we are cautioned when restoring someone, so we don’t also fall into the same trap (see Galatians 6:1-10). If we don’t realize we have weaknesses we can be tempted and sin like the person we are helping restore.

Make Judgments

Bad judgment tears down. Good judgment restores, corrects, and builds up. Make judgments. But make them with your eyes wide open. Make judgments by the Holy Spirit. Keep in mind you might not be called to speak out your judgment. If you do, speak the truth in love.

Reflections

  1. Why is judging a good thing?
  2. When is judging a bad thing?

Resources

Matthew 7:1-6

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Read on Bible Gateway

1 Cor 6:1-3

If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: God's Kingdom, Salvation in Christ Tagged With: appcontent, grace

Avoid Legalism and Improve Your Parenting

January 18, 2012 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

3 Ways to Identify Legalism and Improve Your Parenting

Legalism is destructive. It is in opposition to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But it can be subtle and therefore hard to know for sure when you are dealing with it. Let’s look at some ways to identify if you are facing legalism.

# 1: There is no Absolute

A legalistic approach involves setting up an absolute standard where one does not really exist. It focuses more on the externals (what you do or believe) than it does the internals (what is going on in your heart). Jesus described the legalists as, “white-washed tombs.” Usually, the legalist will develop a specific test that can be administered to determine if you are “in” with them or “out.” For example: Do you drink alcohol? Do you smoke? Do you read your Bible every day? Any such test is superficial because it is possible to get the right answer and still be lacking spiritual growth (or get the wrong answer, but still be growing). Unfortunately this approach can lead to teaching that it is possible to lose your salvation when you are not able to answer enough (or even one of the) questions the right way.

# 2: Distinctions are not Embraced

The legalist will be more focused on conforming others to their image instead of Jesus. Their goal is to clone everyone. This can even be taken as far as having everyone look alike (for example, everyone must dress the same). There will be a lack of acceptance of the diversity in the body of Christ. The legalist will tell you what you are supposed to believe. They will insist you act like they do and serve the way they do. They will say, “You must believe exactly what we believe, or you will not be considered in the group.” You will have to perform in order to be considered in the group. Membership in the group will be based on how well you are performing and looking like them.

# 3: Location Matters More than Direction

Legalists are not primarily concerned with your relationship with Christ. They will be more concerned with what you are doing rather than if you are moving closer to Christ. Someone focused primarily on grace will treat membership and maturity differently. With a grace-oriented paradigm, membership is achieved without having to perform. A baby is born into a family having been automatically granted membership. There will be an understanding that the baby needs to mature, but the baby will always have total acceptance. Any decent parent will not ask, “Is this baby worth keeping?”, but will ask, “Is this baby moving in the right direction?”

Conclusion

To avoid legalism, start with total acceptance of others, granting them membership. Then give them responsibility and authority depending upon their maturity. To determine maturity ask, “In what direction are they pointed and is there any movement?” Are they moving toward or away from Christ? How close are they to Christ? Don’t judge someone by how far away they are from Christ. Instead, assess the person’s maturity only for purposes of determining level of responsibility. This works well for the church family. And, it works well for the biological family. Parents are always to love, include, and accept their children unconditionally, but give out responsibility according to maturity.

Reflections

  1. What does avoiding legalism have to do with better parenting?
  2. In what ways have you accepted the subtleness of legalism into your life?

Resources

Matthew 23:27-28

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Read on Bible Gateway

Luke 16:10

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Salvation in Christ, God's Kingdom Tagged With: appcontent, grace

6 Steps for Everlasting Change

June 18, 2012 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Position yourself for Change

While there are no specific steps to take to change, there are specific steps to position yourself for optimal change.

1 – Know the Truth

There is a difference between knowing facts and experiencing the facts in a loving relationship with Christ. Knowing the facts does not change you. It is only head knowledge. But it is an important step. Before we open ourselves up to something, we need to know what we are opening ourselves up to.

2 – Remove Distractions

We live in a fallen world, so there are distractions that can block our ability to see and hear from Christ. So the next step in the process is to intentionally remove as many of these distractions as possible. Think in terms of all of your senses. Remove clutter that is visually displeasing. Remove noise. Remove smells. Remove temptations.

3 – Enter Rest

With negatives removed, add positives. Go to a scenic, peaceful place. Or, if this is not practicle, imagine a peaceful place where you feel safe. You might light a scented candle. You could put on some soothing music. Consider anything that helps you relax.

4 – Give Permission

You may now be ready physically, but not spiritually. Say a simple prayer to give Jesus permission to be present and share with you what He knows is needed. Search your heart – be prepared to share what you find there.

5 – Bring up your Feelings

Whatever you find in your heart, bring it to God through your feelings. Even if you have negative feelings about God – He wants to hear those too. Come as you are. If you do experience persistant anger or other negative feelings about God, make a note of these for a later time. Consider counseling to sort through these feelings.

6 – Wait and Listen

At this point, you have done all you can do, except to wait with anticipation. Believe God wants to speak to you. Again, if you do not believe this, make a note of it so you can dig deeper into why. It might help to remember step one. Think of some scriptures that affirms God accepts you and wants to speak to you. Come to God in faith believing these are true. Allow God to speak to you. What you start thinking about is likely not a coincidence. Trust God is directing your thoughts. Allow your mind and heart to be a blank canvas and give Jesus permission to write and draw on your heart.

Reflections

  1. What negative feelings or memories came up when you thought about God?
  2. How did God speak to you? Consider keep a prayer journal where you write out what God is saying to you.

Resources

Proverbs 3:3-6

3 “Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.”

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 40:1-5

“1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.

4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.”

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Healing in Christ, Self-Care Tagged With: appcontent, grace

7 Steps to Healing

May 18, 2011 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Forgiveness or Healing

Which comes first? Do we forgive first then experience healing? Or, do we experience healing which allows us to forgive? I’ve been pondering this for several months now. The more I think about it, the more it does appear to be a “chicken and egg” question.

An Important Question

Why is this question relevant? I say it is important because suffering cannot be addressed by a simple black and white answer. When you are actively suffering, there are usually no easy answers. Yes, suffering will work for our ultimate good. But will that knowledge satisfy the person currently in excruciating pain? For the person not in any kind of pain, it is too easy to address another’s suffering with, “Snap out of it!” Or, “Just don’t think about it anymore.” Or, “God helps those who help themselves.”

Forgiveness is First?

If we say forgiveness must come first, what about the situation where someone is so traumatized by what another has done, they cannot begin to even think about reaching out to someone else? This person is clearly not ready to do anything more than receive care. They need some amount of recovery and restoration before considering other things. Therefore, at least in some cases, forgiveness cannot be first.

Healing is First?

If we say healing must come first, just exactly how much healing is needed? All of it? Isn’t extending forgiveness part of the healing process? Or is it the evidence of health? If someone hasn’t forgiven their offender, they are essentially perpetually waiting for payment of the debt. This is the opportune time for bitterness to take root. Therefore, forgiveness must be completed to enjoy full emotional health.

Forgiveness and Healing are Intertwined

With this puzzle before me, I can only find one way to answer. Forgiveness and Healing are inseparably dependent on each other. You cannot say you are 100% healed if you haven’t completely forgiven your offender. But, many times a person cannot start, let alone complete, the forgiveness process without first receiving a heavy dose of healing.

This means there are two “stages” to healing fully. The first stage has nothing to do with forgiveness or the offender, but has everything to do with our basic needs for security and safety. Where strength was taken, it must be restored. Concern for the immediate necessities of life take precedent over forgiveness. We must have our hope restored that life is worth living before entertaining forgiveness. Yet, when a person is strong enough to resent another person for what has been done, they would appear to have the strength to extend forgiveness.

The 7 Steps to Complete Healing

While forgiveness is essential to complete healing, it is not essential to start healing. A foundation of being able to extend forgiveness to another is the capacity to sense exactly how much one has been forgiven by God. In this security, in God’s power, we can then offer the same comfort to another. So we might summarize the relationship between forgivess and healing as follows:

  1. You recognize how you are hurt by someone.
  2. You receive care as needed to restore your basic functioning and sense of personal safety.
  3. You consider what is to become of your offender; you consider forgiveness over revenge.
  4. Forgiving releases you from the burden of collecting a debt that cannot be collected. Being able to forgive is evidence you have accepted God’s forgiveness for your sins. Forgive from God’s strength, not your own.
  5. You might be completely healed at this point, or simply cleared to pursue further healing.
  6. Look to God to provide the healing needed.
  7. Pray for your offender out of the comfort and healing you have received.

This is a dynamic process (not necessarily a sequential one). When you’ve reached step 7, or 5, etc. you might still need to return to step 2 to receive further care. It might take short amount of time, and it also might take a long amount of time. No time limit can be placed on this process.

Reflections

  1. Where are you at in the 7 steps to Healing?
  2. What is difficult about forgiving your offender? What do you need to help you be able to forgive?
  3. What has getting hurt revealed about you? Have any weaknesses been uncovered that require further healing?
  4. Some burdens (hurts) are too much to carry alone. Seek help from others when you need it.

Resources

Galatians 6:2

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Read on Bible Gateway

1 Peter 5:6-11

… Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. … And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Healing in Christ, Self-Care Tagged With: appcontent, Forgiveness

Abuse of Power

June 18, 2011 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

God’s Actions Count More

No matter what happens to us apart from God, God’s actions always count more. Why is this such an important truth?

To be Human is to be Vulnerable

Our actions affect others to the degree they are vulnerable. God made us able to be vulnerable, but he also gave us the ability to put up walls to keep others out. Even so, there are limits to this defensive ability. We can find ourselves easily hurt if we encounter an unsafe person. We can be “caught with our guard down.” This is exactly what happens to children. Children are naturally more vulnerable – and most of the time that’s a good thing. When we are vulnerable, we are open to learning – learning through relationship and learning information.

To be Human is to be Capable of Abuse

Abuse is when someone more aware and more powerful uses their position to take advantage of those who are less aware and less powerful. When the misuse of power is much greater than the victim’s ability to manage it, the victim’s automatic defenses kick in. Automatic defenses are heavy duty, but their use comes with a cost. Dissociation is the main defense. Dissociation allows the victim to survive horrendous abuse. The cost is the victim loses a part of their self when the walls come up.

Recovering What Was Lost

It can take a long time in a safe, controlled environment to recover from abuse. One of the first steps to recovery is regaining the lost ability to trust. Without trust it is hard to be vulnerable. Without being vulnerable, it is hard to recover. This is what makes recovery so difficult. Usually a person will trust a little again. Then so long as the trust is not further abused, progress is made little by little. This is possible in extreme cases too, but the process takes a lot longer.

The Bad News – Abuse Happens All the Time

So far I’ve been discussing abuse while focusing on person to person interaction. But our battle is not against flesh and blood. It is against evil powers and principalities. The bad news is abuse happens all the time because no one is perfect and evil is real. Anyone on earth can end up in a position of power over others. When we sin (go against what God wants) we give the devil permission to harass us, until we once again realign ourselves under God’s authority.

The Good News – God is On Our Side

The good news is God is good. Whenever we are vulnerable and we encounter God, we are changed for the good. Whatever anyone else has done or said to us, can be washed away by whatever God says. God has infinite power and is infinitely good, so it will trump everything else. When we sense we have power, God wants us to be humble so we don’t hurt his children. However, when we hurt someone, there is forgiveness and God’s healing presence. Therefore, we are never without hope!

Reflections

  1. Are there any ways you have recently abused the power you have? Talk to God about it. Ask him to increase your awareness of how you use the authority he’s given to you.
  2. Are you currently in an abusive relationship? Do you lack the power to appropriately protect yourself? Are you feeling too weak or vulnerable? Find a trusted person – seek out help so you may be strengthened to remove yourself out of the abuse.
  3. Are you still hurting from past abuse? Even though you are no longer in any immediate danger, God wants to see you find healing.

Resources

Matthew 18:6

But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Read on Bible Gateway

Romans 8:31

… If God is for us, who can be against us?

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Abuse and Neglect, Healing in Christ, Self-Care Tagged With: appcontent, Forgiveness

4 Steps to Self-Forgiveness

April 18, 2012 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

How to Forgive Yourself

Forgiveness is hard work. It is especially hard to forgive when you are still living with the effects of an offense. Yet, there can be an even worse place to be. When you are the offender, you have to live with something irreversible you did to someone else. What if you feel blocked from experiencing true forgiveness for what you have done? These four steps will help you forgive yourself.

1 – Identify What was Lost

It is important to look at what has happened. This is the same as the first step in forgiving others. Identify how reality is different – what could have been? Identify what is lost as a result of your actions. Accept responsibility for what you did. Initially this may be hard to do and you may actually feel worse. But it is a necessary step because there is no going back to the past to undo something, there is only moving forward.

2 – Express Remorse and Repent

It is appropriate to feel sorrow or remorse for a short period of time. This is an essential part of handling a loss. Even if the primary loss was someone else’s, you have lost something too. Until you can forgive yourself, you will lack some degree of security. Spend some time being aware of your feelings. Express feeling sorry for what you have done. This could be journaling, talking, or perhaps even yelling or some other method to expend your energy (all of this done without hurting anyone). Accept what was lost as lost. Spent an appropriate amount of time grieving. This might be anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of months.

3 – Trust in God’s Goodness

Surrender your fate into God’s hands. Ask God to forgive you. Trust in God’s grace and mercy for both the offended and for you. Trust that God is able to make up for your mistake in a way that only God knows is best. Pray for the person you offended. Pray that God will bring them to a better place than before you hurt them. Even if this is not God’s will, this is a good heart attitude. The offended will not be able to return to their pre-offense state, but God will make it right. God may bless the offended person sooner, or the offended person may continue to suffer for some time. Either way pray that the offended can sense God’s presence and find peace and acceptance of their new reality. If God does not appear to make up for your mistake, trust that God is in control and knows something you do not.

4 – Lighten Your Load

Be willing to be a part of God making it right. Make restitution if possible (but only if the offended wants this). Having done what you can do to make restitution, leave the rest to God. Drop the weight. Cut the strings. Leave the luggage. Stop punishing yourself. Walk away from it. Allow yourself to pursue enjoying your life again. Get on with your life. Rejoice that you are forgiven. Having learned from your mistake, be a blessing to others. Be ready to forgive others in the same way you have received God’s forgiveness. If you continue to struggle to forgive yourself, realize you have not fully received God’s forgiveness. Return to the gospel message and receive complete forgiveness. Start life anew with a blank canvas.

Reflections

  1. Do you struggle to forgive yourself in any way?
  2. What is standing in the way of you completely receiving God’s forgiveness?
  3. Are you still too hard on yourself? What would you say to a friend who is struggling with self-forgiveness?

Resources

Nehemiah 9:17

“But you are a God of forgiveness, Gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness.”

Read on Bible Gateway

1John 2:1

“If anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.”

Read on Bible Gateway

From the Song “What Sin?”

The heaviest thing you’ll carry
Is a load of guilt and shame.
You were never meant to bear them
So let them go in Jesus name.
Our God is slow to anger
Quick to forgive our sin
So let Him put them under the blood
Don’t bring them up again.
Cause He’ll just say,
What sin, what sin?

Further Reading

Marriage Missions

Filed Under: Core Longings, Healing in Christ, Self-Care Tagged With: appcontent, Forgiveness

Repentence – The Other Side of Forgiveness

July 18, 2010 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Repentence + Forgiveness = Reconciliation

While the offended forgives, the offender repents. This is the only way to fully reconcile a relationship. Repentence does involve behavior change, but it must include more to be genuine. True repentence is an inward act by which we open our heart to God, so God can change it. A person can say, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” But, it could be only, “I’m sorry I got caught.” There is a difference between Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. 2 Corinthians 7:10 says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

The Pain of an Inward Look

Looking inward is a necessary but uncomfortable part of repentence. Pride that shields our heart must be confronted and broken. Genuine repentence will result in us wanting to be good, not only acting good. We cannot be good on our own, but this is where God’s grace is needed. God is faithful to us to bring about circumstances that are intense enough to dismantle our defenses. And He does this in a way that preserves us – so we remain in relationship. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted…”

Reflections

Truly it is an evil to be full of faults, but it is a still greater evil to be full of them, and be unwilling to recognize them.
– Blaise Pascal

Christ accepts us as we are, but when He accepts us, we cannot remain as we are.
– Walter Tobisch

The stance of openness to receive is what I call the “catch” to grace. It must be received, and the Christian term for that act is repentence, the doorway to grace.
– Phillip Yancy

Resources

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compeling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer (Psalm 51:1-6)
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Continue reading on Bible Gateway

Is there anything you need to bring to God so He can clean your heart?

Filed Under: Self-Care, Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent, attitude, Forgiveness, heart

The 4 Steps to Growing a Fruitful Marriage

February 14, 2015 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

You are probably thinking, “Awesome! Only four steps! I can be done next week.” But God made marriage to last a lifetime for a reason. The steps I am about to show you are real steps that we all go through at one time or another. But first, read Matthew 13:3-9.

Jesus uses the Parable of the Sower to speak about our receptivity to God’s words. Let’s consider how the parable also applies to marriage. The four types of soil in the parable match up with four types of relationships. From least to most desirable, these are Path, Rocks, Thorns, and Good Soil. The typical inexperienced couple begins as either Conflicted or Careless. Along the way, every couple experiences being Conflicted, Careless, and Choking before making it to Cooperating.

Ch01_Fruitful

The Conflicted Couple needs to learn how to experience a basic positive connection. The Careless Couple needs to experience and resolve conflict to build endurance. The Choking Couple needs to find a deeper enjoyment amidst the busyness of life. The Cooperating Couple needs to refine and maintain what they’ve accomplished so far.

As no person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. No matter which soil condition most closely describes your relationship, you can decide to grow a godly marriage by cultivating the path, clearing out the rocks, pulling out the thorns, and planting in the good soil. When you do this, you will be well on your way to yielding fruit one hundred times what was sown.

Filed Under: Marriage in Christ, Boundaries, God's Kingdom, Salvation in Christ Tagged With: appcontent, attitude, heart

The Reality of Death

March 1, 2015 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
Genesis 3:7-8 ESV

I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.
Genesis 3:16-17 ESV
Ch02_TimelineGod told Adam, “You will die when you eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil” (Genesis 2:17). Then God created Eve. God or Adam must have told Eve because she knew at least a distorted version of God’s command (Genesis 3:3). Adam and Eve lost paradise when they chose to trust in themselves over dependence upon God. When they disobeyed Him, they died spiritually and lost their secure connection with Him. Encountering fear and shame for the first time must have been brutal. Preoccupied with grief, they were unaware of the depth of the problem. Little did they realize they were powerless to undo the mess they had gotten into.

Filed Under: Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

Your Marriage and the Parable of the Sower

March 1, 2009 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Parable of the Sower

In Matthew 13, Jesus shares the Parable of the Sower. Jesus used the parable to speak about a person’s receptivity to God’s words. Let’s consider how God’s words apply to marriage. The four types of soil in the parable match up with four types of relationships.

On the Path: Conflicted Couple

Jesus makes it clear that the path is literally the hardest place to be. In marriage, when both people’s hearts are hard, look out, because they will either tear each other apart, or be so disengaged that no relationship exists. Either way, the result is a barren (unfruitful) relationship. An infertile, hardened heart will likely result in divorce. In Mark 10:1-12, Jesus explains that divorce is not God’s intention, but was permitted because of hardened hearts.

Jesus says the seed sown along the path is like someone hearing the words, but having no understanding. The ground is so hard – the seed cannot penetrate – so growth cannot begin. There is no life. This couple may be together only by habit and convenience. If this couple has not already given up, they are in danger of separation, divorce, or some type of extra-marital affair.

On the Rocks: Careless Couple

This couple has experienced their relationship as easy so far. This type of relationship usually starts off quickly (received with joy) and may even appear to be thriving (shoots up quickly). This couple acts too quickly without considering if they can finish what they started; they act without really understanding.

This couple is unaware of the complexity of a relationship, which tends to propel the couple to seek the benefits of marriage before building a foundation to sustain the benefits. This impatience may show up, for example, as a financial crisis (debt) or as a pregnancy before marriage. Overall the couple is faced with the serious responsibilities of marrige before they are mature enough to resolve the complications. The complications then become crisises.

Among the Thorns: Choking Couple

This couple has the right idea, but they execute poorly. Intimacy between the couple is blocked or stalled. The couple has a high regard for marriage, but remains disconnected for lack of translating beliefs into action. It is like having a car in good working order, but no fuel. The marriage is also characterized by a lack of emotion and expressiveness.

The couple is distracted by worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth. There is a strangle-hold on the marriage – choking it and making it unfruitful. While the potential is high, this couple has allowed too many weeds to grow in the garden of their marriage. The marital relationship is last on a long list of other things now more interesting.

In Good Soil: Cooperating Couple

This couple is both mature (having a high regard for marriage) and experienced (having acted out their convictions). Marriages are not born this way; they must be created, first through inspiration, then through perspiration.

Connection follows from belief. If the marriage vision is not renewed and revisited regularly, complacency can set in. Every couple is susceptible to the deterioration of their relationship. To prevent this, they must regularly refresh their understanding of why they are doing what they are doing. They must have an answer to: “Why is the struggle worth it?” This couple will not drift as long as they continue to act on their beliefs.

Reflections

Where are You?

As no person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. No matter which soil condition more closely describes your relationship, set your goal to increase your knowledge of marriage God’s way and then increase your practice of marriage. When you do this, you will be well on your way to yielding fruit one-hundred times what was sown.

Resources

Matthew 13:23
But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

Healing Your Brain

October 1, 2010 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Healing – Become Like A Child

If you want to experience healing, we must first become like a child. Jesus said we are to become like little children if we are going to enter His kingdom (Matthew 18:1-6). What does it mean to become like a child? What does this have to do with healing?

God’s Design: Our Neurobiology

God made our brain. We are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). Our brain is sophisticated enough to be self-healing. You’ve probably heard of someone who has suffered an injury, but through intentional effort, the non-damaged portion of the brain picks up the functioning of the damaged portion. Our brains our always changing, based on what we experience every day. God designed our brains to be relational. Parts of the brain are dedicated to bonding, attachment, and even pre-verbal experiences. These parts provide us the emotional capacity to:

  • Give and receive love
  • Regulate emotions
  • Establish empathy in relationship

These developments begin foundationally in the womb! The brain, body, and mind of a pre-verbal developing child is God’s design for the reception, interpretation, and response to His love and invitation to life.

From the very beginning we are wired to be receptors of God’s love!

God’s Design: As A Child

We are to become like children. What are children like? They are:

  • Totally dependent
  • Open
  • Aware
  • Vulnerable and unguarded
  • Receptive
  • Capable of being soothed
  • Responsive
  • Joyful
  • In the present moment – naturally contemplative

If you have unpleasant feelings in the present – if you are having difficulty “becoming a child” – it is in part because of how you been treated and how your brain has correspondingly been (mis)wired. Through counseling and healing prayer, you can work through these hurts – healing your brain in the process. If you want to experience this type of healing, contact us at New Reflections Counseling.

Reflections

The journey of the child, experienced during the earliest and most formative months and years of life, prepares the heart and mind for spiritual bonding and attachment as an adult.
– Anne Halley

Our neurobiological system has been designed for God.
– Anne Halley

Resources

Matthew 18:1-6
3 Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Psalm 139
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Healing in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

Objectivity in Dating

August 18, 2011 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Objectivity in Dating – Part I

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. Let’s consider an example to illustrate this idea.

Sally’s Story

Sally, 24 years old and a recent college graduate, needs to find transportation quickly so she can get to work every day. She looks around and takes a car for a test drive. She likes the color, feels comfortable sitting in the car, the car looks to be in good shape, and the car handles the road with ease. It is love at first sight! She comes back the next day and the next, taking the car on drives. Each time she takes the car out for longer drives. Sally is in love with this car!

Sally plans the date of purchase (the wedding), signs the financial papers and finally drives the car away never to return because she is now the proud owner. From this moment forward, everything is different. Sally must drive this car everywhere she goes. She needs this car to take her to work every day. She has to take the car in for maintenance to get the oil changed, rotate the tires, etc. Her whole perspective on the car changes from being a distant admirer, to an up-close admirer, to an up-close owner.

Then it happens. Sally is all set to drive to work one day and the car refuses to start! It’s only been four months since she purchased it. When Sally is the owner, the seller is not responsible for the car – she is…

To Be Continued

Stay tuned next week for Part II.

Reflections

  1. Check your heart. Are you making a dating decision too fast?
  2. What is the difference between leasing (dating) and owning (marriage)?
  3. Are you allowing God to be a part of your mate selection?

Resources

2 Corinthians 6:14

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Read on Bible Gateway

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Read on Bible Gateway

Genesis 2:18

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Dating to Find a Mate, Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

Objectivity in Dating – Part II

September 18, 2011 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Objectivity in Dating – Part II

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. The following is continued from Part I.

Sally

Then it happens. Sally is all set to drive to work one day and the car refuses to start! It’s only been four months since she purchased it. When Sally is the owner, the seller is not responsible for the car – she is. She makes arrangements to take it to a mechanic and finds an alternate way to work. The mechanic calls her later that day with the news, “Your car needs $477 worth of repairs to get it working again. There’s also an oil leak. It will eventually need to be fixed and it will be at least $2000.” “Whoa,” reels Sally, “this car I love is costing me dearly!”

This could happen to anyone. Even if a person is careful to select a mate, there are no guarantees. Our relationships will always require hard work. However, it is possible to do our part to avoid unnecessary heartache. It would be nice to think God would always prevent us from buying a car that needed a lot of work, but He doesn’t. At least He doesn’t all the time. And He is less likely (or we are less able to hear Him) if we are not praying and asking Him to help us make the decision.

A Better Way

Let’s take a closer look at what Sally could have done differently to reduce the likelihood of getting a lemon (but note that once you have a lemon you make lemonade). First, it is positive that she took the car for many test drives. This provides opportunities to experience the car and see how it performs in more than just one drive. However, if Sally has already determined that this car is the one for her, she has already lost most of her objectivity. So while continuing to spend more time with her selection, she is only “falling more in love” which means she is increasingly more likely to overlook any flaws.

To Be Continued

Flaws are not bad; no one is perfect. But, some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others…
Stay tuned next week for Part III.

Reflections

  1. Before you are married, are you both feeling “in love” and maintaining objectivity to choose the right person at the right time?
  2. After you are married, are you acting like an “owner” or are you still thinking like a “renter”?

Resources

Luke 14:28-30

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Dating to Find a Mate, Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

Objectivity in Dating Part III

December 18, 2011 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Objectivity in Dating – Part III

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. The following is continued from Part II.

Flaws

Flaws are not bad; no one is perfect. But, some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others. If you marry someone who is farther away, you will need to invest more effort up front to have a working relationship. When someone like Sally is “in love,” he or she will more easily overlook flaws. This can happen because Sally let herself be in such a need to find a car that she is desperate to have the first one that appears to make her feel comfortable. Desperation directly results in a loss of objectivity. The longer she spends with the car, the more attached she becomes to it.

Be Objective, then Subjective

Attachment and passion are subjective. This is good because they can keep a couple together – after they have committed to each other. But before marriage and before going on too many dates, it is important to stay objective and evaluate a potential mate. This requires patience and being tough, some would say. When you are first meeting someone, this is the time you are most objective. The longer you know someone the harder it is to be objective. That is why it is so hard to break up with someone the longer you have spent together – you’ve already formed an attachment. Staying objective early on prevents you from getting into a relationship with a person who is not ready to be in a relationship – due to “maintenance needs”.

Conclusion

The process of selecting a date or a mate is a subjective one. It is supposed to be. But for these very reasons, it can also be a daunting one. Seeing a counselor during this time provides the added objectivity to help you sort through your values and feelings so you can make a wise decision. NRC counselors are available to help you find the right person and be the right person.

Reflections

  1. Be willing to act tough (look objectively) on where you are at in your relationship (it’s maturity), while offering total acceptance of each other.
  2. Consider bringing your relationship in front of a pair of trained eyes, so you can work through any difficulties early in your relationship.

Resources

1 Cor 13:7-8

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Read on Bible Gateway

Ro 12:9-10

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another … in honor giving preference to one another.

Read on Bible Gateway

Filed Under: Dating to Find a Mate, Marriage in Christ Tagged With: appcontent

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