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3 Stages For Improving Marriage Today

3 Stages For Improving Marriage Today

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Forming a healthy, mature marriage relationship is one of the hardest yet most rewarding journeys you can undertake. Many couples struggle, not due to a lack of love, but because lasting unity requires intentional growth. While love creates a foundation, true marital strength comes from continuous development.

To help navigate this journey, marriage growth can be divided into three overlapping stages. Although couples may need help in all three areas throughout life, each stage builds upon the previous one to form a fruitful, enduring connection.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:24-25 ESV

This verse highlights the ultimate goal of marriage—oneness, both spiritually and emotionally. However, this unity does not happen instantly. It is a process requiring growth and refinement, much like a seed planted in fertile soil. Without intentional care, weeds of selfishness, miscommunication, and personal struggles can hinder its flourishing.

Marriage is more than a legal agreement or emotional attachment; it is a covenant designed by God, calling spouses into an intimate, lasting union. Developing that union takes time, effort, and wisdom.

Stage #1: Preparing Individuals for Marriage

The first step toward a strong marriage is developing two emotionally healthy adults who are ready for a lifelong commitment. Before a relationship can thrive, each person must become whole individually—capable of handling conflict, taking responsibility, and pursuing spiritual growth.

Without a strong foundation, relationships crumble under pressure. Many relationships face early struggles when couples rush into marriage, believing love alone will sustain them, only to later realize they did not truly understand their partner. If emotional wounds, unhealthy habits, or unrealistic expectations exist, they will eventually surface, leading to disappointment or conflict.

For those already married, investing in personal growth is crucial. It takes time and effort to heal past wounds, build emotional strength, and become a healthier spouse. Counseling, mentorship, and personal reflection can help strengthen individual emotional health, ensuring both spouses contribute positively to the relationship.

Stage #2: Practicing Teamwork in Marriage

Once individual health is established, the next challenge is learning to function as a team. Many couples enter marriage with strong individual identities but struggle to blend them into a harmonious partnership.

Teamwork requires communication, patience, and compromise—skills that are learned over time. Challenges often arise in areas like decision-making, handling finances, or defining shared goals. Couples who acknowledge and work through these struggles will strengthen their bond.

Marriage is not just two people coexisting but two individuals learning to operate as one. Attempting to work together may uncover hidden wounds or habits from the past, requiring deeper self-reflection and healing. Individual issues may surface such as trust struggles, communication gaps, or fears from past relationships. It is important to recognize these challenges and develop the ability to know how each individual contributes to the marriage issues.

Empathy and negotiation are invaluable during this stage. A healthy couple seeks to understand each other fully, choosing collaboration over competition. Marriage counseling and relationship-building exercises can strengthen teamwork, fostering a healthier dynamic between spouses.

Stage #3: Performing Together in Marriage

In this final stage, the couple moves beyond working on their relationship and begins to use their unified strength for greater purposes. A mature marriage is not just about personal fulfillment, it is about living out a meaningful, shared purpose.

Couples at this stage thrive in parenting together, serving in ministry, or creating a lasting legacy through family, career, or faith. Instead of solely focusing on their relationship, they embrace a mission beyond themselves. They walk confidently in a sense of calling, knowing their marriage is designed for something greater.

At this level, marriage reflects God’s design—a bond producing lasting fruit beyond itself. Couples thriving in this stage often feel deep fulfillment, knowing their unity has a lasting impact on those around them.

For Reflection

Which stage best represents your marriage right now?

If your greatest need is the first stage, consider individual counseling or premarital counseling to establish a solid foundation. If you need help in the second stage, explore marriage counseling or team-building strategies to strengthen communication and conflict resolution. If you are consistently reaching the third stage, consider mentoring other couples and sharing wisdom from your marriage journey.

Marriage is a lifelong process, with each season bringing new challenges and growth opportunities. No matter where you are, embrace the journey, knowing that a healthy marriage is built day by day, through love, grace, and intentional effort.

Learn more about how to develop oneness.
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Last Updated 20250518

Change in Marriage

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Commitment to Growth

A successful marriage requires two people committed to self-growth. Self-growth is a way of life that includes regular reflection on how to close the gap between who you are and who you want to be (who God made you to be). But even when your partner does not share your enthusiasm for growth, it does not limit you in any way from growing. You can achieve success in life without having a successful marriage. If your partner is not participating this does not excuse you from continuing your own growth. This is confusing for many. Actually, when your partner is not participating, it is the perfect time to see how much you’ve grown. Of course, it is more difficult to be in a marriage when you are the only one wanting to improve the relationship. The trick is knowing what you are responsible for.

Some tasks require two people. Imagine you are working in your yard and there is a pile of rocks you want to move. Some rocks you can move by yourself; others are big enough to require two people. When you are working alone, how long should you try to move the two-person rocks? Would you think of yourself as a failure because you cannot move the two-person rocks and finish the job alone? If your partner is not with you, then no one, including God, expects you to finish the job. You are not responsible for the outcome. You are only responsible for what you can complete with the strength God provides. When your partner is helping, more is expected than when you are working alone.

Growing Together is a Choice

Couples who commit to growth choose to have a better marriage. As a counselor, I frequently hear couples tell me, “We have grown apart. We feel little for each other. We are like roommates who do not see each other much. The love is gone from our marriage.” It is an attempt to prove their marriage is dead and divorce is the only realistic option. This is nothing less than a decision to abandon a spouse for failure to grow. For these couples, there comes a time when someone says, “I cannot do this any longer.” Most of the time what is really being said is, “I choose to not do this any longer. The effort required to grow under these circumstances is not worth it to me.”

Growth is a constant need for all – all who are considered “among the living”. Growth keeps us alive. Those who are not growing are tired – their enthusiasm for life is fading. When both partners are truly growing then it is impossible to grow apart – instead they will be growing in mature love and it will keep them together. When a couple says they are “growing apart” can the couple really say they are growing? All they can say is they do not want to grow enough to stay married. If someone experiences complete satisfaction, there is no reason to seek more. And without seeking more, there is no growth. No one can say, “I’ve maxed out on growth”. But there are seasons to change. There are times in life when we have more energy and God’s grace to change. At other times we are weak and want only what is easiest.

Ladder of Acceptance

Seeking instant gratification profits little because the goals are so small. Seeking one’s own pleasure requires little if any discipline and sacrifice and does not result in lasting pleasure or hope. Eventually, it becomes tiresome. Making changes to stop living in the short-term requires determination and a high tolerance for postponing hunger for immediate satisfaction. For longer-lasting pleasure and hope, we must choose larger goals and desires that take more time and effort to reach fulfillment.

I call this process climbing the ladder of change. There are at least four rungs:

  • I don’t want to change. I only want what will bring the most immediate satisfaction.
  • I don’t want to change. But I am realizing seeking immediate gratification does not bring lasting satisfaction. Whatever I do to feel better wears off quickly and I am left with all the same problems. I would like to be less selfish, but I don’t know how to make that happen. So I continue seeking my pleasure to cover over the pain.
  • My spouse soaks up any love I give and offers nothing in return. It is like I am giving to a black hole.
  • I realize it is best to change. The Bible teaches I should look to others’ interests. More often than not, I continue to seek immediate satisfaction. Some of the time I am able to seek other’s best interest.
  • I am excited about the idea of not just living for myself, but in giving of myself to others. Growth is satisfying. While at times I seek my own pleasure, I also regularly seek other’s best interest.

A Little More Every Day

Growth is essential for life. Growth is essential for a marriage. Growth cannot be rushed nor forced. We need a lifetime or more to get love right. Regardless of your place in life (married or single), develop a love for growth. Realizing your need for growth will keep you sober, and allow both you and your partner space to grow.

Notice the little changes your partner makes. Praise and encourage their efforts. Find your own way of coping when your partner is not available and cooperating. Remove dependence on your partner’s ability to change for your own happiness. When your partner cannot meet your needs, take care of yourself by finding legitimate ways to meet your needs without pressuring your partner. Then bring your new found growth back to share with your partner! How do we grow better at marriage? You will always come out ahead if you grow a little every day by God’s grace.

Reflections

You will change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of making a change.

It takes more effort to stop growing than to keep growing.

Men are anxious to improve their circumstances but are unwilling to improve themselves.

James Allen

Resources

2 Peter 3:18
But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

The Breathable Marriage

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Sheltering or Suffering

Marriage is not “until one of us cannot take it anymore”. It’s until death do us part. Unfortunately, too many people rationalize their way out of their commitment when their circumstances change. It is at this point a person’s dependence on their partner is revealed. The subtle “I deserve better than this” awakens and begs to be released from the promise. What happens when we look to a relationship for more than it can provide? It becomes an idol.

If pursued according to God’s design, marriage will be a shelter protecting husband, wife, children, and maybe even others. But, to a struggling couple, marriage can be like a tomb. Have you ever felt like the walls were closing in on you? Have you ever thought, “How can we possibly live under the same roof?” A conflicted couple will start to feel their relationship is suffocating rather than sheltering. The air is stale. Breathing is arduous.

Your Marriage Reflects Your Focus

When marriage becomes a place of suffering, momentum can keep you spiraling down. If you continue to focus on what is going wrong, you will lose sight of all that is positive. One way to stop the downward momentum is to accept an honest assessment of your situation.

Underneath the suffering, there can be a dependence on your spouse for your happiness. You think, “Marriage is supposed to make me happy,” or “Marriage is supposed to meet my unmet needs.” The problem with this is when the marriage does not meet your expectations, it is convenient to conclude the marriage is defective and must be discarded. Focusing on what isn’t there doesn’t replenish positives. If you focus on what is not happening the way you want it to happen, it will slowly consume you to where you are imprisoned in an unhappy marriage – because you are unhappy. You might begin to think, “I have got to get out at all costs.”

I Have What it Takes

Where there are difficulties it is nice to think you can make up the difference. But, sometimes loving another person is like trying to squeeze water from a rock. Have you ever felt discouraged because you did not have it in you to love a difficult person? Have you felt things like:

  • If I could do such and such, then my partner would be happy and our relationship would get better.
  • I’d be better off giving to someone who appreciates my efforts.
  • My spouse soaks up any love I give and offers nothing in return. It is like I am giving to a black hole.
  • I can love you out of your deficiencies – and then you will be able to love me in return.
  • I cannot love you; I am a failure.

It is hard to face that you are not enough for your partner. It leads to feeling insecure. Actually, this is a good sign because God never intended for you to have what it takes. Where you go next is critical. When you realize you cannot love your partner, will you look to God for help?

Escalation

By the time a marriage is failing, it is taking place increasingly as a closed system. A closed system has increased panic and decreased rational thinking. We focus on our survival to the point of eliminating anyone or anything standing in our way. When two are responsible, and you realize you do not have the resources to make it work, it is easy to blame your partner for failure. With fixed resources, two alone cannot sustain each other. It puts too much pressure on one person to meet the needs of the other.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to cause it to fail. But likewise, it only takes one to cause you to fail. That you is you! It is possible to focus too much on marital success. A lack of progress does not equal failure. When you care more about the success of your marriage for the sake of its benefit than your partner’s wellbeing, you’ve lost before you’ve begun. People abandon their partners when they do not want to go down with a sinking ship. In a panic, they cut the line which tethers them to their partner. But instead of catching their breath and diving after their partner, they walk (or run) away. Cutting the line does not have to mean abandoning – it can mean removing unhealthy dependence which will breathe new life into a marriage.

Letting God In

In a closed system, the pain of the relationship cannot escape. The pain can only be passed back and forth. Marriage is not supposed to be an “us two alone in this together”. In the midst of intense emotional struggle, it is difficult to identify other options beyond the immediate relief of giving in (okay we will do whatever you want) or giving up (I cannot take it anymore). But there are other options to consider. Have you really tried trusting that you’ll be okay even when your marriage is struggling? Do you believe God is with you no matter how your spouse behaves?

Letting God in means there is another source beyond your partner. It means accepting what your partner can give and looking to God to provide the rest. You will not die if your marriage is struggling. When relying on God, your survival does not depend on your marriage; instead, you have the freedom to contribute new life to your marriage. God is the vine. Read John 15:1-17 and consider if there are any ways you are inappropriately leaning on your spouse.

Reflections

Marriages are always moving from one season to another. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter–discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer–comfortable, relaxed, and enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature.

GARY D. CHAPMAN

Resources

John 15:5
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Is Your Forgiveness Incomplete?

Forgiveness

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Reading time: 3 minutes

What is Forgiveness Good For?

Forgiveness is the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit. It heals conflict within people, between people, and between people and God. Forgiveness removes bitterness, a cancerous blockage that infects and destroys people and relationships. Forgiveness and healing go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Failure to forgive is often the main obstacle to moving forward in freedom. “Forgive” can be broken down into “give for”. God gives to us, we give to others, and others give to us.

What Forgiveness Is

  • Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them (to cancel a debt you have to know the fullness of the damage)
  • Choosing to keep no records of wrong (the debt has to die and not be resurrected later)
  • Refusing to punish (punishing creates more hurt and usually can’t bring back what you lost)
  • Relinquishing any debt (no longer expecting repaying)
  • Not telling what they did (not gossiping)
  • Being merciful (because God is merciful)
  • Absence of bitterness (this only denies that God cares about you)
  • Looking to God to make things right by bringing healing and making repayment as He sees fit

What Forgiveness is Not

  • Approval of what was done to you (it is possible to cancel a debt and still see the truth of its wrongness)
  • Excusing what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Justifying what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Pardoning what they did (this is a counterfeit because the hurt is not really confronted)
  • Reconciliation of the relationship (forgiveness enables this, but does not guarantee it)
  • Denying what they did (essentially the same as pardoning)
  • Forgetting (it is possible to remember but not be bitter if you have truly experienced healing)
  • Refusing to take the wrong seriously (this is minimizing it)
  • Pretending you are not hurt (this is not honest)

Reflections on Forgiveness

He who cannot forgive another breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.
– George Herbert

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
– C.S. Lewis

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
– Leo Tolstoy

The most powerful agent of growth and transformation is something much more basic than any technique: a change of heart.
– John Welwood

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
– Dr. Robert Anthony

Nothing is easy to the unwilling.
– Thomas Fuller

Resources on Forgiveness

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compelling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer
Heavenly Father, I choose as an act of my will to forgive [person]. I forgive [person] for [list of specific offenses]. I release [person]. I ask you to forgive [person] for all these things as well and that you do not hold these things against [person] on my account.

Heavenly Father, I ask you to forgive me for holding unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, etc., in my heart towards [person]. I receive your forgiveness and cleansing of my heart from all unrighteousness.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for holding resentment towards you and for allowing these hurts to happen to me. If I have any more negative feelings stored up in me towards [person], I ask you to cleanse them from me now. I open myself to replace these negative emotions with the fruit of your Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience…)

Heavenly Father, I ask you now to heal the wounded places in my soul. Heal every memory of those offenses so I can look back on them, realistically accepting they were hurtful, and trusting you have healed the hurt. Enable me to use this experience to help others with whom I come into contact.

Heavenly Father, bless [person] with your abundant mercy. Prosper [person] in every way. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

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Last updated 2022/11/20

God Is The Only Place of Safety

God Is The Only Place Of Safety

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How do you define safety? What is a safe place for you? A safe place has some element of predictability and consistency.

What do the following have in common?

  • Trying to squeeze water from a rock
  • Expecting a promotion but instead getting fired
  • Laying down to go to sleep only to hear loud music
  • Taking a drink anticipating water and getting vinegar instead

These all have something to do with expectations. Specifically, misplaced confidence in life situations that can never be fully reliable. But we all desire to find a source that satisfies our deepest longings. This can lead to a lot of frustration. If you are frustrated, this means you are moving in the right direction. Frustrated people are tired of what doesn’t work. They are ready for the true solution.

Our desire for love can drive us to rationalize just about any behavior. If we can’t find love the way we want it, it’s easy to turn to imitations like drugs, achievements, sex, food, or entertainment. As intolerable as being unloved is, if we lose sight of where love comes from, we will ultimately destroy our relationships.

While in the right context, none of those “imitations” are bad, they also can’t come close to the kind of safety that God provides. God made us to experience love. So when we don’t experience it, our suffering is genuine because we know something is deeply wrong. We get frustrated but we shouldn’t give up. We need to keep crying out for love, otherwise, we won’t be ready to receive it.

We can submit and surrender ourselves to anything, treating it as a source. Some sources are life-giving and some are life-stealing. Most of our sources will fail us in one way or another. They may be excellent sources with natural limits, or they may be horrible substitutes for the fullness of life. God is the only true and trustworthy source that will never run out or fail us.

There are no guarantees in life… except… God. All else might fail you, but God won’t ever fail you. This doesn’t mean that you won’t experience disappointment. God might not live up to your expectations, but because God doesn’t change, He is always reliable.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
    my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
    and my place of safety.

Psalm 18:2 NLT

God Provides Safety Because He Protects

There might be moments when you don’t feel protected. Bad things happen. But God’s overall plan is to preserve you by saving you out of a position of defeat.

For the Lord your God is going with you! He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!

Deuteronomy 20:4 NLT

God’s plan for you is victory.

God Provides Safety Because He is Powerful

There might be moments when you feel weak. Some things are impossible for you. But what is impossible for you is possible for God (if He wants it to happen). If you need saving, or whatever you need, God has the power to do it (Luke 18:27).

God Provides Safety Because He is Merciful

God isn’t waiting for your first mistake so He can unleash His wrath. His wrath is reserved for His enemies. If you are a believer, then you are no longer an enemy but you are a friend of God (Romans 5:10). God is the epitome of safety because He is patient with us.

But you, the Lord God,
    are kind and merciful.
You don’t easily get angry,
and your love
    can always be trusted.

Psalm 86:15 CEV

If you are feeling unsafe and you can’t trust God, that could be because your expectations are at odds with God. You want to go left and God steers your life to the right. You want to go up and God steers your life down. This process is needed to remove all reliance on everything but God. You will discover that the direction life takes is the right one, when God is with you on the journey. As you increase your reliance on God, you will experience God’s safety.

If you are struggling in your marriage, could you be expecting your partner to be your source instead of God? Are you trying to be self-sufficient instead of abiding in Jesus?

If you feel let down by how your life has played out, could you be desiring fulfillment in this life apart from God? God is the ultimate source of fulfillment.

Look at what has been happening in your life recently. Do you see any indications of God leading you? If the journey has been unpleasant, could this be because God wants you to draw hope from Him instead of His creation?

Read more about security.
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Last updated September 4, 2022

Breaking Through the Love Barrier

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Growing Past Barriers in Your Marriage

God made us to be growing and changing. But we are not always growing at the same rate. Sometimes we experience slow growth, and others times fast growth. A growth spurt is usually preceded by a period of rest and even complacency, followed by a period of difficulty and frustration, followed by a determination to choose faith over fear. When faith is excercised and the barrier is past, there is once again a period of rest.

The Sound Barrier

In 1947 Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound. As pilots approached the speed of sound they experienced a barrier called a shock wave. When they hit the shock wave, their plane shook and they retreated. Many pilots died in crashes. But Yeager found that when he accelerated past the sound barrier the plane flew well. Before the barrier is reached, there is resistance. After the barrier is reached, there is peace.

There were planes which could break the sound barrier prior to Yeager. When these pilots went up and approached the speed of sound, the plane shook violently. The more the plane shook, the more frightened the pilot became. When a pilot would try to slow the plane down, often he would crash. The same thing happened to other pilots because they responded to the resistance with fear and backed off from their attempt to achieve a break through.

When Chuck Yeager attempted to break the sound barrier, all the same things happened. His plane shook violently and he became afraid. But, he responded differently to his circumstances. Instead of giving up and slowing down, he decided, “if I am going to die, I am going to go out in style.” Instead of slowing down, he sped up and the rest is history. It’s okay to be afraid, because everyone encounters fear. But what you do after that makes all the difference.

The Love Barrier

Thankfully God has provided a man and woman some “rocket fuel” to get their marriage off the ground. This fuel is potent stuff. I am speaking figuratively about the onboard hormones (and biochemicals) which drive mutual attraction. These are more than sufficient to bring about feelings of being “in love.” When two people are “in love” there is a sort of magical effortlessness to the relationship. It is this effortlessness that drives the two together.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending upon how you look at it, this state of effortlessness does not last forever. Eventually it runs it course and the same effortless effect is no longer present. This is when a marriage is most vulnerable to shakes and fears. Life and marriage are not without challenges. At this point there develops a fork in the road. How will the couple interpret this lack of feeling in love? Many couples will conclude that because they are no longer in love, there is no point in staying in the relationship. They fear their own lack of ability to produce effortless love. When love becomes work, they back away in fear.

It takes a certain amount of maturity to break this Love Barrier. Marriage is about hanging into there and pressing forward even in the midst of shakes and fears. Press on, pray, and persevere until you make your break through. You will need to overcome by expanding your horizon. Believe in faith there is something better ahead. If you don’t look out very far, then it is easy to make a hasty decision that looks good in the short term. A short term gain might reduce the immediate pressure, but it will mean the eventual crash of your marriage.

Conclusion

Once you’ve experienced moving past a barrier, you are forever changed. Your brain chemistry maps a new neurological path directly related to your new experience (of successfully breaking the barrier). The next time you are faced with the same barrier, it will be easier to push through. The same barrier will no longer be challenging to you. Enjoy this time of rest, because God is infinite and there are always new horizons to explore.

Reflections

  1. What barriers are you facing in your life? In your marriage?
  2. What fears are preventing you from moving forward past the barriers and into doing what is right?
  3. Is there anything you need to strenghen your faith? Ask Jesus for it now. When there are strong shakes and fears, consider counseling to help you break the love barrier.

Resources

Romans 5:3-4

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Read on Bible Gateway

James 1:3-4

…because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 25:9

He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Read on Bible Gateway