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Why Rejection Means You Belong

Why Rejection Means You Belong

June 2, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

Rejection can be extremely painful or even life-threatening. However, for the Christian, for the child of God, rejection is an attack without merit. It doesn’t feel like it at the time, but rejection can be good. Would you rather be accepted by God or by Satan? Would you rather be rejected by God or by Satan?

Rejection is Related to Belonging

If you’re excluded from one group, you automatically belong to another.

If someone hates you, then someone else loves you.

If one person forgets you, you’re remembered by another.

If someone goes out of their way to reject you, that means you’re significant.

How can these statements be true? Belonging is conserved. No one can “unbelong” themselves from everyone everywhere. All believers have a built-in community. We have an identity made in God’s image meaning we’re somebody even when we feel like a nobody.

Rejection can be Temporary, Bad, or Good

Rejection is not always bad. Understanding its different types will help you focus on the good.

Temporary

When you reject yourself, you deceive yourself. When others reject you and you agree with it, you are likewise deceived. This is temporary rejection (God accepts you, man rejects you, and you reject you). It’s temporary because it comes from an incorrect belief. God will help you know the truth.

Bad

If you reject God and God rejects you, you have nothing. This is bad rejection (God rejects you, man might reject you, and you reject you). It’s bad because there is nothing worse in life than being rejected by God. God fully accepts His spiritual children, so this only applies to non-believers.

Good

If you’re rejected by the people who reject God, then you belong with God. When you’re enemy rejects you, you only gain. This is good rejection (God accepts you, man rejects you, but you accept you). It’s good because it solidifies that you truly belong to God.

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me?

The Lord is on my side as my helper;
I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.

The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.

Psalm 118:6-8, 22 ESV

Jesus, the cornerstone, had much to say about belonging and rejection.

The one who hears you hears me, and the one who rejects you rejects me, and the one who rejects me rejects him who sent me.

Luke 10:16 ESV

Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.

Luke 11:23 ESV

For the one who is not against us is for us.

Mark 9:40 ESV

Turn Your Rejection Into Belonging

Those who do not know who they truly are in God’s eyes are vulnerable to rejection from the world. We are born with the desperate need for acceptance. Without any connection or guidance from God, we will believe whatever we experience. The less you know yourself, the more rejection stings because you need others to help you learn how to accept yourself.

Think about the worst rejection you’ve ever had to face. Perhaps you craved the attention of so-and-so, but they poured contempt on you. Or you trusted so-and-so and they betrayed you. That’s the worst feeling ever.

What happens when you’re rejected? You just figured out where you don’t belong, which means you also found where you belong. For example:

  • If someone tells you he no longer wants to date you because you’re too quiet, then you belong with people who appreciate you being soft-spoken.
  • If someone excludes you because you are “too competitive”, then you belong with people who value being ambitious.
  • If someone persecutes you because of your unwavering faith in Jesus, then you belong with people who know and value the true God.

Review times of rejection and allow these experiences to strengthen (instead of weaken) the sense of who you are.

Learn more about love, suffering, and rejection.
Last updated 2025/02/09

Filed Under: Boundaries, Identity, Self-Image Tagged With: rejection, self-worth

God Will Deliver You From Failure

God Will Deliver You From Failure

August 2, 2020 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

Failure would be a death sentence if it were not for God’s mercy. Many people struggle with believing that their failure leaves a fatal mark that limits their potential. If you think you’ve failed, you might believe something like:

  • I’ll always mess up God’s plans.
  • There’s no hope for me now.
  • I’ll wear this scar for the rest of my life.
  • That was my last chance.
  • God will never forgive me.
  • My best will never be good enough.
  • God is going to send me to hell.
  • I’ll never recover from this.
  • There’s no use trying again.

For Christians to believe any of these statements, they must be deceived. Every one of them has something false about it. What Jesus has done for believers removes the permanence of these statements and breathes hope into the hopeless, life into the lifeless.

Failure From the World’s Perspective

A worldly definition of failure distorts God by emphasizing two extreme responses. People are forever condemned or always excused without consequence. These miss God’s heart because they throw out His mercy or justice.

Without God’s mercy, we would all be perpetually caught in shame. The unbearable feelings of self-condemnation and self-loathing weigh heavily without any way of escape. People attempt to cope by utilizing perfectionism or apathy to avoid the feelings of falling short.

Without God’s justice, we can become lulled into a false sense of security. The prideful presumption that there will never be a reckoning for our attitudes and choices might soothe the conscience today but does nothing to prevent the condemnation tomorrow. People attempt to cope by utilizing relativism to discount the seriousness of God’s absolute standards.

    Sin is probably the best definition of failure. It completely misses what God wants for us. Without God, we are defective because of sin. However, God, because of His love, has stripped sin of its power and permanent consequences. So it does not have a significant lasting effect for believers.

    Failure From God’s Perspective

    Let’s reconsider the definition of failure, but include God this time. A worst-case definition of failure considers it to be a temporary setback. That’s because God works for our ultimate good. We are on the same side.

    Failure implies finality. But because God is an eternal being, endings do not exist for Him. Any moment in time is not the final word on your situation.

    Failure implies hopelessness. But God is an endless supply of hope. Nothing can defeat God. Nothing can defeat God’s plans. Nothing can defeat God’s people.

    Failure implies permanent loss. But God restores and heals, often while we are yet in this life. That’s possible because knowing Him means knowing boundless hope.

    Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

    Lamentations 3:21-23

    We can always learn from our experiences, even if they seem like abysmal failures. God is ready to give us another chance. We can start again in a stronger position.

    I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

    Psalm 34:4-7 NIV

    So you can see that you will have trouble, but God will deliver you. He will deliver you from evil. He looks beyond failure to your eternal potential in Jesus Christ. For other verses that support God’s grace and hope, see Isaiah 40:31, Romans 5:5, Psalm 33:18, and Jeremiah 29:11.

    May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

    Romans 15:13 NIV

    Learn more about Shame.
    Image by mojo49 from Pixabay
    Last updated 2025/02/02

    Filed Under: Emotional Honesty, Identity, Self-Image Tagged With: self-worth, shame

    Remember Your Past For A Healthy Present

    Remember Your Past For A Healthy Present

    May 24, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

    Reading time: 3 minutes

    How does remembering your past help you today? Think of re-membering as bringing scattered parts of your life together. It’s like gathering the parts of a jigsaw puzzle and assembling them where they belong.

    God wants you to see the whole picture of who you are. Have you ever worked on a puzzle only to get to the end and realize some pieces are missing? It’s frustrating because it feels so incomplete.

    I’m fascinated by my past. I’m not thinking of historical facts. I mean my psychological and emotional journey. Memories are important because they are the key to setting a person free from being trapped in the past.

    You can’t change what has happened to you but you can change its meaning. You decided how much a particular memory has the power to define who you are. They answer the question: How did I get to where I am today?

    How you first experience something has long-lasting implications. Your journey is, in many ways, a series of first-time experiences. To put the pieces of your life together, you must revisit your first-time experiences to create follow-on experiences. Healing can be both strengthening the positive memories and weakening the negative ones.

    Questions to Help You Remember

    Your relationship with your childhood memories can tell you a lot about yourself. Here are some questions you can use to explore your emotional health:

    • How do you feel about your childhood?
    • Do you feel like you are still a child?
    • Do you feel like you are stuck in your childhood?
    • Do you feel extremely distant from childhood, almost like it was another lifetime?
    • Does childhood feel real to you or more like a fantasy?
    • Does childhood seem unimportant or highly relevant to you?
    • Do you remember a lot or a little?
    • How much was childhood the same or different every day?
    • What positive memories come to mind?
    • What negative memories come to mind?

    Did you skim through these questions or pause on each one and give a real, in-depth answer? Are you willing to embrace your childhood or do you think you’d be happier if you never thought about it again?

    Even if you considered only one of the questions, you’ve got a taste of what it’s like to move toward emotional health. You dipped your toe in the water. If you considered more than one, you might feel overwhelmed as you swim in a pool of emotional memories.

    As I said, memories are fascinating. They aren’t part of who you are. Yet, in another way, they are part of you. You’re not five years old anymore. But you might feel five years old sometimes.

    Remember the Past, Compare it with the Present, and Plan the Future

    Here are a few more questions for you to consider: In what ways do you feel the same, today, as you did when you were a young child? In what ways are you the same? In what ways are you different?

    Life can lead you away from being in touch with who you are. The pressures, demands, and trauma open a chasm between your performance and who you are. It’s possible to become so familiar with present-day performance (life responsibilities) that you forget what it’s like to enjoy life on your terms.

    Here are three more questions that should help you “pull yourself together.” What day would you most like to relive? What makes life worth living today? Now, what new day do you imagine you would like to live in the near future?

    In answering all these questions, look for two things. First, look for any infections: emotional wounds that haven’t fully healed. Second, look for peak experiences: emotional highs that give you energy.

    If you’d like more practice at developing follow-on experiences, then you should try a book from my Journal Your Way series.

    More about the benefits of exploring your past.
    Image by Nato Pereira from Pixabay
    Last updated 2022/12/11

    Filed Under: Emotional Honesty, Abuse and Neglect, Boundaries, Healing, Identity, Self-Care, Self-Image Tagged With: self-worth, shame

    Overcome Resistance To Value Your Identity

    Overcome Resistance To Value Your Identity

    June 23, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

    Reading time: 4 minutes

    To live is to encounter resistance to all that is good. Given the curse the world will naturally degrade as long as evil is in control. Even the sin in us resists God’s goodness. But our suffering does not need to lead us to despair. God tells us to hope not in this world but in Him.

    We know that God is ultimately in control even though it appears like evil has control. Bad things happen. God offers His truth to us. Are you winning or losing the struggle between these two?

    If I offered you a new, crisp one-hundred dollar bill, would you accept it? What if I first crumpled it up and submerged it into a concoction of oil, mud, and blood? The bill might be tattered and dirty, but it’s still worth the same amount.

    The same is true for you. You have an enemy who wants to drag you through the mud. He wants you to forget who you are. Or, better yet, he’d like you to never figure out or accept who you are. You are valuable even though you have some scars and dirt.

    Resistance is not Futile

    You have a force working against you as you discover who you are. As you learn who God made you to be, the evil one will work to make sure you don’t believe or can’t accept who you are. He’ll try to get you to think you’re worth less (worthless).

    Resistance is not futile (see Hebrews 12:4 and James 4:7). You can submit to God and resist the devil’s schemes. Fortunately for you and me, this strategy of the enemy will backfire eventually, like all of his strategies. How? Because whatever the evil one plans for discomfort and destruction, God can turn it around and use it for good. Even so, it’s important to keep expectations adjusted appropriately. The ending is awesome, but we’ll still experience some darkness, discomfort, and even some deterioration along the way.

    Understanding the truth is difficult when life isn’t working out in your favor. In the end, though, the enemy can only redecorate your life. He can’t destroy it. What the enemy can touch is superficial.

    Joseph is a great example of patience during suffering. His brothers betrayed him, and he still felt compassion for them at the end of his life. He saw his life events, the good and the bad, with a positive view of God.

    As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

    Genesis 50:20 ESV

    Growing Stronger Requires Befriending Resistance

    Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

    1 Peter 4:12-13 ESV

    If you want to grow stronger, you must actively face some resistance. All else equal, in light gravity, you lose muscle and bone strength. In heavy gravity, you can gain strength if you resist.

    You can’t live without hope but equally true is: you can’t live without exercising your body and mind. When who you are is under attack, you must resist what is false. During the process of refuting what isn’t true, you’ll learn what is true about you.

    Therefore, whenever you’re feeling discouraged by life, remind yourself, “I have value no matter what I look like or feel like on the outside. This body I have today is temporary. My spirit is eternal. God will make me a new body in the next life.” And, bonus! God has already started the cleanup process, so you can experience some comfort in this life.

    Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

    2 Corinthians 1:3-5 ESV

    Read through or listen to Mandisa’s songs, Stronger and Overcomer.
    Learn more about overcoming resistance.
    Image found on Pickpik.
    Last updated 2024/01/14

    Filed Under: Identity, Boundaries, Self-Image Tagged With: comfort, self-worth, suffering, value

    Overcome When You Feel Like Giving Up

    Overcome When You Feel Like Giving Up

    September 7, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

    Reading time: 4 minutes

    Life has a way of wearing you down so much that you stop trusting God. What are some reasons you feel like giving up? Do they include any of the following?

    • Have you experienced too many failures or rejections?
    • Do you feel worth less than others?
    • Do you feel not needed or not wanted?
    • Do you feel tired, lost, or confused?
    • Does your existence seem pointless?

    You might not think of yourself as depressed, but if you answered yes to any of those questions, then you are experiencing some form of discouragement. When your burden becomes too great, you’ll naturally consider giving up. Feeling like you want to give up should throw a red flag for you.

    Feeling Like Giving Up Comes From a Desire to be Self-Sufficient

    Unfortunately, you will encounter discouraging people and circumstances. Sometimes you can make better choices to prevent bad things from happening. Other times, there isn’t anything you could have done differently. Either way, when you continue to suffer long after a difficult experience, there’s a reason.

    What keeps you weighed down and prevents you from moving forward? Do any of these sound like you?

    • You’re trying to do it all yourself.
    • You believe God doesn’t care or He is somehow against you.
    • You think being humble means you should have low self-worth.
    • You think you’ve committed the unpardonable sin and God is condemning you to hell.
    • You stopped trusting God because of a tragedy.

    God says there is a different way than giving up.

    Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me.

    Matthew 11:28-29 TPT

    Feeling Like Giving Up Comes From a Faulty Foundation

    It’s possible to have God in your life but still feel like giving up. Unfortunately, you can become committed to a life strategy that doesn’t work. If so, it’s either based on a lie or it’s not the right approach for you. A faulty strategy is based on lies.

    “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

    Matthew 7:24-27 ESV

    Rebuild Your Foundation When You Feel Like Giving Up

    What is your life based on? Do you know why you are doing what you’re doing? Do you have at least one primary, life-giving motivation? If you don’t, you’ll find no gas in your tank to draw on when the going gets tough. A life founded on the rock looks like the following:

    • You have a clear purpose and act on it consistently.
    • You ask God to help you advance His kingdom.
    • You ask God to purify your motives.
    • You trust God to multiply your efforts.
    • You surrender the outcome to God.

    You can overcome when you feel like giving up when you understand God is responsible for the results (the fruit). God causes all things to grow. You only need to be faithful to the resources God has given you. Only God has the power to make good things happen, but your contribution is important.

    I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.

    1 Corinthians 3:6-9 NIV

    It’s natural (in our sin) to want to be able to control the outcomes in life, but only God is in control. Instead of giving up on God, give up your desire to be self-sufficient. If you can see yourself as partnering with God, then you’ll be more willing to let God help you align your desires to His desires.

    Don’t give up. Don’t lose sight of who God is and who He made you to be. God loves you and has a plan for your life. You can find your purpose, live your purpose, and enjoy your life.

    Learn more about why you should never give up.
    Photo From: https://www.si.edu/object/signal-flag-pole:nmaahc_2017.111.19
    Last Updated 2023/12/24

    Filed Under: Emotional Honesty, Identity, Self-Image Tagged With: purpose, self-worth

    Labels Like Gaslighting Harm More Than Help

    Labels Like Gaslighting Harm More Than Help

    March 28, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

    Reading time: 4 minutes

    Labels can promote better communication. But, they can also sow seeds of dissension. How and when should you use the power of labels?

    How Labels Help

    Labels are shortcuts. I could ask you for a dark red fruit that grows on trees. Because there is more than one type, I’d need to be more specific. I’d like the kind that is more tart than sweet. Instead of having to describe all the details, I could have said I would like some cherries.

    Without labels, communication would be cumbersome at best. But, labels only help when we can agree on what the label is referring to. Maybe there are several varieties of cherries. But a cherry is a cherry, not an apple.

    Shortcuts are most effective when all involved parties have a shared experience. What if we drove to a cherry farm and picked and ate cherries from the same tree? We’d probably have the same idea in mind when we use the word cherries.

    What happens if there is no shared experience or the experience is so complicated that it frequently generates a unique experience? If, at the fruit farm, we ate two different species of cherries, one of which ripens faster than the other, we’d probably be thinking different things when we use the word cherries.

    How Labels Harm

    Labels such as gaslighting or narcissism have become quite popular recently. They definitely describe a complicated experience that can be easily misunderstood. In this case, I suggest you avoid the words and stick to the descriptions.

    Gaslighting is a form of verbal abuse. Here is a definition from Wikipedia:

    Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

    Not only does gaslighting sound complicated, it also sounds evil–like a tactic the devil uses to cause believers to doubt their faith in Jesus Christ. When used intentionally as a weapon, it is abusive. Note also the phrase “covertly sows.” This means the gaslighter tries to be sneaky. They don’t want others to catch on to what they are doing. It’s premeditated.

    My problem with using terms like gaslighting is that they are sometimes thrown around too casually by people engaging in black-and-white thinking. Some things are all-or-nothing and some have gradations. A woman is either pregnant or she’s not. However, a communication technique might only look like gaslighting and not qualify as abuse.

    The so-called gaslighter might have no intentions to manipulate or abuse. What if they are only attempting to describe their own perspective? During communication, both people have a need to be heard. The person who labels others (as a gaslighter, narcissist, or other popular terms) might be the one participating in verbal abuse. It can become a way to avoid responsibility. It can be easy to label someone, thereby casting blame on them and correspondingly away from self.

    Instead of using these labels which can be judgmental (calling someone guilty when you are not an unbiased judge), I suggest returning to the basics of communication. Instead of saying “You are gaslighting me,” focus on revealing your experience with something like, “I feel discouraged when you talk to me that way. I believe I am correct but I’m open to being convinced otherwise.” Leave some room that everyone involved can contribute to the problem.

    I am not trying to explain away real abuse. One-sided communication does happen. What I’ve been suggesting only works when both people approach conflict resolution in good faith. The challenge is discerning between a plain ignorant person (someone having a bad day or someone who lacks understanding) and an evil person (someone who is being intentionally destructive).

    The good news is a little bit of discernment goes a long way if you have good boundaries. Being confident and knowing who God made you to be will protect you from both the naive person and the evil fool. Keep in mind though that sometimes these two qualities, along with some of the best qualities, can all show up in the same person.

    You cannot fool God, so don’t make a fool of yourself! You will harvest what you plant. If you follow your selfish desires, you will harvest destruction, but if you follow the Spirit, you will harvest eternal life.

    Galatians 6:7-8 CEV

    Read more about recovery from abuse.
    Read more about how psychological buzzwords can be misused.
    Image by Andreas Lischka from Pixabay
    Last updated 2023/09/06

    Filed Under: Abuse and Neglect, Counseling, Identity, Self-Image Tagged With: self-worth

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