Spiritual Formation

Proactively Pull Triggers to Prevent Pushing Buttons

January 22, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

I have been triggered. You pushed my buttons.

Why are you angry so often? Stop doing things that make me angry.

How often do you hear or say these phrases? Being triggered has the idea of releasing a trap. Unresolved emotional wounds are like a set trip wire. When someone stumbles across the wire, it creates an unpleasant chain reaction.

After becoming triggered, some people spiral inward. They become deeply discouraged. Others spiral outward. They attack whoever is closest to them. The Bible has some helpful alternatives.

Be Responsible for your Triggers

Whether a person accidentally or on purpose trips your trigger, you are fully responsible for your behaviors. In the moment, it might seem like the other person is responsible. After all, everything was fine until they came along. But the condition of your heart is your responsibility. God wants each of us to accept responsibility and work toward becoming more confident in who we are.

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:5 ESV

The more confidence people have, the less they depend on others for happiness. Or, put another way: the more people depend on God for happiness, the more confident they will be, no matter how others behave.

Most people don’t set traps for other people. But just by existing, we have vulnerabilities that can result in strong reactions for even small offenses. Being triggered means that a weakness has been exposed. When it happens spontaneously, it can catch a person off guard. This can result in a swift protective cover-up.

No one likes to feel ashamed. Shame is a feeling resulting from a belief that you are defective and there is no cure.

Instead of waiting for someone to come along and step on your toes, why not proactively take care of your emotional wounds? Some vulnerability is good, allowing people to be close to other people and God. But other vulnerabilities can make you an easy target. You can take steps to disarm your triggers by becoming increasingly aware of your weaknesses.

Be Aware of Others’ Buttons

No one is perfect. Most people are doing the best they can, not trying to intentionally lay a trap for you. Even so, stumbling into someone else’s ignorance, sin, or foolishness probably will not be a pleasant experience. Know your limitations, but also be aware of others’ limits. Just because something isn’t your fault, doesn’t mean it won’t be excruciatingly painful or difficult.

It is safer to meet a bear robbed of her cubs
than to confront a fool caught in foolishness.
Proverbs 17:12 NLT

Even when people are trying their best, they can make a mess of things. You can be involved, but you should be prepared to manage the consequences of your involvement.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:1-2 ESV

The problem may originate with someone else, but it can quickly become your problem too. The more you are capable of letting go of the offense, the more you will keep yourself free from the trap.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8 ESV

No one owes you anything, at least not in any way that you can practically enforce it. Anything good we have is ultimately a gift from God. No matter how you become hurt, whether by your sin or another’s, only God has the power to heal you.

Perspective Matters More Than You Think

December 18, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Jesus reveals the ultimate perspective on life with His statement “…seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33 ESV). A perspective is one view from one particular person. No one (except Jesus) can see life with absolute clarity. Everyone lives with lies–distortions in the lens of perspective.

Perspective Determines Life Direction

The Christian life is a state of mind–a battle for what is real. People can’t control what happens to them, but they can exercise their perspective like they would a muscle. Then can train to identify and believe what is true over what is false.

You might be thinking ignorance is bliss or what I don’t know can’t hurt me. But those are deceptive statements. What we don’t know has hurt us, is hurting us, and will hurt us. A blind person will have trouble avoiding hazards. When people don’t know they have cancer and believe they are healthy, it is all the more devastating when they must come face to face with the truth.

Your perspective on what life is makes all the difference in how your life will turn out. How would you feel if, while running a race, you find out you’ve been running in the wrong direction for most of it? Make no mistake, life is like a race. There is a finish line and there is only one way to get there. You must run your own race on the path God has set before you. It’s different from anyone else’s path, but God chose your path when He created you as you are.

The battle for seeing reality (what is true from God’s perspective) will never be over in this life. But you can continue to shift the balance from more deceived to more enlightened. In fact, that should be everyone’s primary purpose. But choosing the enlightened path is much harder than it looks.

Perspective Determines Eternity’s Direction

Everyone wants to be enlightened, but the path of wisdom runs in a different direction than the path of comfort in this immediate, material life. I don’t think there is any scripture that can better make this point than the story of Lazarus and the Rich Man from Luke 16.

“But Abraham said to him, ‘Son, remember that during your lifetime you had everything you wanted, and Lazarus had nothing. So now he is here being comforted, and you are in anguish. And besides, there is a great chasm separating us. No one can cross over to you from here, and no one can cross over to us from there.’

“Then the rich man said, ‘Please, Father Abraham, at least send him to my father’s home. For I have five brothers, and I want him to warn them so they don’t end up in this place of torment.’ “But Abraham said, ‘Moses and the prophets have warned them. Your brothers can read what they wrote.’

“The rich man replied, ‘No, Father Abraham! But if someone is sent to them from the dead, then they will repent of their sins and turn to God.’ “But Abraham said, ‘If they won’t listen to Moses and the prophets, they won’t be persuaded even if someone rises from the dead.’”
Luke 16:25-31 NLT

Are you able to see the differences in how Lazarus and the Rich Man perceive life both before and after death? If you can see it enough to choose God’s kingdom over your immediate comfort, then there is hope for you! If you can’t see it yet, consider reading Mark 10:17-27 for more inspiration.

The first, and perhaps most important, step is to be able to see clearly. Then we can work on taking the appropriate actions. If we try to act before we understand, we can end up a long way down a path that leads to nowhere.

A comfortable life today provides no clue as to what eternity will be like.

More about gaining awareness of God’s Kingdom.
Image by Kai Markus from Pixabay

Move Beyond Depression Guaranteed

October 23, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

The recipe for deep depression is a combination of pain and hopelessness. Without pain, hopelessness has no teeth. Suffering becomes avoidable. With hope, pain can be endured. Here also suffering becomes avoidable. A person can’t be joyful without hope.

Isolation Increases Depression

David describes the potential for his depression as involving not hearing from God. In Psalm 28, he uses “pit” as a place of utter despair.

To you, O Lord, I call;
my rock, be not deaf to me,
lest, if you be silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Psalm 28:1 ESV

The bottom of a pit is a lonely place. It is easy to feel forgotten. Despair increases when circumstances are hopeless. It’s easy to self-harm when discouragement dominates. In this context, self-harm means believing increasingly negative thoughts such as:

I’ll never get out of this (pit).
I’m not worth saving.
God has me here for a reason and that reason is He is against me.
God has abandoned me.
I’m a terrible person.

This kind of thinking only makes a bad situation (potentially avoidable) worse (appearing unavoidable).

Sometimes God will improve circumstances relatively quickly. Maybe you lose your job, but find one within a couple of weeks. Perhaps you find yourself in and out of trouble before you have time to worry. God is gracious and merciful. He preserves and protects those He loves from danger–both deserved and undeserved consequences.

Such mercy is normal in the sense that God prevents us from receiving what we deserve. He is constantly doing this. Jesus is never not interceding on our behalf before God. If He wasn’t, every moment of our lives would be full of despair. Yet, in another sense, life can be full of heartache. Everyone is suffering on some level.

Some suffering is avoidable while another suffering is unavoidable. Suffering has a purpose; depression is one response to it, but there is another.

Connection Reverses Depression

If depression intensifies with pain and despair, then the absence of pain and the presence of hope would certainly alleviate sadness. How do we get from one to the other? How can someone climb out of a pit? Sometimes God might teleport you to the surface, but quite often He rather chooses a more organic process: grief.

Having someone hear your cry is the path out of depression.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
    out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
    making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord.
Psalm 40:1-3 ESV

And, what is grief, but crying out to someone who will listen? Grief is an expression of pain in the midst of hope. The way out is rarely painless, but it must be full of hope. Without hope, an attempt to grieve will only dig the pit of despair deeper. Sadness begets more sadness. That’s why sometimes focusing on the positives helps. While it can help, it doesn’t fully address the real problem of suffering.

Grief is more a struggle than it is suffering. It’s a struggle forward or up out of avoidable suffering. When you declare your circumstances as unacceptable, you leave no room for patiently waiting on the Lord. Grieving reorients your perspective until you find acceptance.

When you are grieving, you are moving up out of the pit. Your direction is toward God, toward joy. When you are despairing, you are moving deeper down in the pit. Your direction is away from the light and toward the darkness.

Your direction is more important than your exact location especially when you know you have God’s ear. The next time you are depressed, express your suffering to God and He will lift you out of the pit. If you need help with this, consider professional Christian counseling.

Sensible Risk With God As Your Safety Net

September 11, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Are you a risk-taker? That depends, you might say.

For some people, the risk is almost always worth the reward. They take a leap forward. They see staying at the same spot as even riskier than the unknown that lies ahead.

For some people, the predictability of remaining the same is its own reward. A leap might become a fall. A fall becomes a failure. It’s too much of a hassle.

For even others, risk is a no-brainer when what is at stake is worthwhile. Is my family in danger? Is my faith in Christ threatened? Nothing would prevent me from fighting for what I care about.

Whatever your preference, everyone has their limit on passivity. That’s because God wired us to care about what matters. We are made in His image, so we are willing to die for what is valuable. What is valuable to you?

Faith Appears to Involve Risk

Imagine a tightrope anchored between two tall buildings. You are on one side with a crowd of people. One man shouts, “Do you believe I can cross this rope to the other side?” The crowd cheers, “Yes!” The man shouts again, “Do you believe I can push a barrel while crossing?” The crowd cheers, “Yes!” The man shouts again, “How about if a person is inside the barrel and I am blindfolded?” The crowd answers, “Yes!” Finally, the man says, “Who will get into the barrel?” The crowd only responds with silence.

What is important enough to you to get into the barrel? Maybe you will get into the barrel because you can see the value in what is on the other side. But God doesn’t usually provide a clear picture of what that will be. He wants trust. Maybe then you will get into the barrel because God is asking you to.

Trust in the LORD always, for the LORD GOD is the eternal Rock.
Isaiah 26:4 NLT

Faith is Different than Risk

If God is asking you to get into the barrel, the request is actually much easier to fulfill. God rewards those who trust in Him. What if God wants you to let someone else (an imperfect human) push you across? The choice is still easy enough. God is the safety net below the rope. If you fall, He will catch you. He wants you to succeed. He wants you to grow in your trust.

Crossing to the other side means experiencing life. It means life. Nothing else should be more important than God and what He wants for your life.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
Matthew 16:25 NLT

On the other hand, there is no need for a safety net if you have no plans to cross the rope.

What is Faith?

It’s trusting that God is working in you in ways that inspire action. It’s a sensible risk with God as your safety net. Without faith, it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6).

Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.
Philippians 2:12-13 NLT

God clearly wants to give you the desire and ability to please Him. All that you need to do is cooperate with His desire. Can you meet God with your enthusiastic agreement? Help me to desire what you want. Grant me the power to do what pleases you. When I am confused, guide me on the right path forward.

Does that path you are on seem confusing? Are you unsure if you are moving in the right direction? Check your heart. If your path involves sin, it’s the wrong path. Otherwise, if you desire to be on the path, stay on that path and trust God will guide you. To continue reflecting on this idea, read Psalm 23.

Crave Optimal Ways Of Living

July 17, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

What would you consider to be the optimal lifestyle? Do you wish you could be independently wealthy? Do you wish you could be a superhero? Perhaps your aspirations aren’t so lofty. Maybe all you hope for is to not be so extremely poor or lonely or hurt.

The simple life is an optimal way of living. Fabricating a disguise to hide who you are complicates life. Having too much or too little complicates life.

O God, I beg two favors from you;
    let me have them before I die.
First, help me never to tell a lie.
    Second, give me neither poverty nor riches!
    Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?”
    And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.
Proverbs 30:7-9 NLT

Optimal Living: Not Too Low

No one craves to be poor or depressed. But some people choose to default to an understimulating life. They’ve given up on trying to make life more interesting. Having too little to do leads to boredom. People who feel bored feel useless. They lack a sense of purpose.

If life becomes so easy that people no longer need to put any effort into it, why do they need to exist? They can live only to enjoy this life. They can consume but no longer need to produce anything of value.

A hard worker has plenty of food,
but a person who chases fantasies has no sense.
Proverbs 12:11 NLT

People who chase fantasies or retire early only to pursue self-indulgence have lost their lives. They are missing out on the abundant life God has for them (Matthew 10:39).

God has a plan for every person. Every believer has something to contribute to God’s plan to grow and strengthen His kingdom. If believers are bored, it’s because they are ignoring God’s call on their lives.

Optimal Living: Not Too High

If you won the lottery, you probably wouldn’t voluntarily give the money back. But sometimes too much of a good thing is dangerous.

For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.
1 Timothy 6:10 NLT

Having too much can be a massive distraction. If people are preoccupied with money, they can’t be focused on God.

The same applies to people who are too stressed. Too many earthly responsibilities can distract a person from pursuing God’s kingdom.

Optimal Living: Just Right

The person who is bored and the person who is overwhelmed are both blinded. They are under-challenged and over-challenged. When life becomes either too easy or too hard, people usually give up. The bored person says I have nothing worthwhile to do. And the overwhelmed person says It’s impossible to do anything worthwhile.

People who experience the optimal life have found the sweet spot between those extremes. To produce the maximum amount of enjoyment, tasks need to be, on average, challenging enough for us to wonder if we’re going to complete them, but not so challenging that we become convinced we will never be able to complete them.

God made you in such a way that you are healthiest and happiest when you desire to accomplish something that is somewhat of a stretch for you. This applies not only to work but also to play.

Soccer wouldn’t be much fun for the players or spectators if every shot went in. Where is the fun in that? It’s not exciting. Likewise, if no shot ever went in, what would be the point? After a predictable pattern emerged, no one would want to play (ever).

A mixture of unpredictability along with possibility maximizes life satisfaction.

If you think about it, that presents a clear picture of who God is. God is unpredictable but also full of potential. Whether we are in this life or the next, we can always look to God with wonder. What will we learn about Him next? What is He going to do next?

Life won’t be boring or overwhelming in heaven, it will be optimal.

What Heaven Will Be Like
Photo from PxHere

What You Need To Succeed

July 3, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Do you have what you need to succeed in life? This question is similar to, “How are you?” It’s easy to give simple, “I’m fine” or “Sure, I have what I need” answers. But what if I really wanted to know and you took the time to give a sincere answer?

What is required for your success? This might be a tricky question to answer for several reasons:

You’ve been trained to believe it’s too selfish.
No one has ever given you what you need.
The answer will be too personal.

God Wants You to Ask for What You Need

God is always looking for ways to redeem His people. When Adam and Eve felt shame for the first time, God developed short-term and long-term plans to help them succeed. Ultimately He fulfilled His own laws for us so that we can live without the shame of failure (1 Peter 2:24). But He also immediately provided clothing for Adam and Eve.

Even though everyone between Adam and those alive today has suffered, God hasn’t stopped taking care of us. He instructs us to ask Him for good gifts. What you need is nutritious for you, so it’s worth asking for it.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Matthew 7:7-11 NIV

Asking and Receiving What You Need isn’t Selfish

When you consider what you need, it might stir up feelings of shame. Am I worthy of being cared for? I’m so insignificant. Why would God bother to love me? My needs aren’t important. I have nothing to offer God in return. I’ve gone my whole life without my desires being met; why would anything change now? I don’t know what I need.

All of these thoughts can be summarized as “I doubt my needs will ever be met.” This belief can develop from years of disappointment. Then, it’s possible to “forget” what your needs are or that you even have them.

What if God asked you how you were doing? You might wonder if God really cares. You might think that He wants you to give a quick and cheerful response like “I’m totally blessed! I already have everything I could ever wish for.” Unless you are feeling completely content, it’s not an honest answer.

How can you become more aware of what you need?

What would feed your soul so that you have the energy to enjoy life and help others? What would be so awesome to have that it would seem unbelievable if God gave it to you? If you are struggling to answer questions like these, try some of the following:

When you are angry, ask yourself what would help you feel calm.
When you are sad, ask what you desire to feel happy.
When you are afraid, ask what you are lacking or what would help you feel safe.
How would you like to be celebrated?
What is the best gift anyone could give you?
When have you felt most loved?

For all of these, state your answer in terms of yourself, not other people. Don’t conclude, “I wouldn’t be angry if you didn’t yell at me.” Instead, try “I need to believe I am valuable.”

Then, the next step is to share your needs with the people in your life.