Core Longings

What You Need To Succeed

July 3, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Do you have what you need to succeed in life? This question is similar to, “How are you?” It’s easy to give simple, “I’m fine” or “Sure, I have what I need” answers. But what if I really wanted to know and you took the time to give a sincere answer?

What is required for your success? This might be a tricky question to answer for several reasons:

You’ve been trained to believe it’s too selfish.
No one has ever given you what you need.
The answer will be too personal.

God Wants You to Ask for What You Need

God is always looking for ways to redeem His people. When Adam and Eve felt shame for the first time, God developed short-term and long-term plans to help them succeed. Ultimately He fulfilled His own laws for us so that we can live without the shame of failure (1 Peter 2:24). But He also immediately provided clothing for Adam and Eve.

Even though everyone between Adam and those alive today has suffered, God hasn’t stopped taking care of us. He instructs us to ask Him for good gifts. What you need is nutritious for you, so it’s worth asking for it.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Matthew 7:7-11 NIV

Asking and Receiving What You Need isn’t Selfish

When you consider what you need, it might stir up feelings of shame. Am I worthy of being cared for? I’m so insignificant. Why would God bother to love me? My needs aren’t important. I have nothing to offer God in return. I’ve gone my whole life without my desires being met; why would anything change now? I don’t know what I need.

All of these thoughts can be summarized as “I doubt my needs will ever be met.” This belief can develop from years of disappointment. Then, it’s possible to “forget” what your needs are or that you even have them.

What if God asked you how you were doing? You might wonder if God really cares. You might think that He wants you to give a quick and cheerful response like “I’m totally blessed! I already have everything I could ever wish for.” Unless you are feeling completely content, it’s not an honest answer.

How can you become more aware of what you need?

What would feed your soul so that you have the energy to enjoy life and help others? What would be so awesome to have that it would seem unbelievable if God gave it to you? If you are struggling to answer questions like these, try some of the following:

When you are angry, ask yourself what would help you feel calm.
When you are sad, ask what you desire to feel happy.
When you are afraid, ask what you are lacking or what would help you feel safe.
How would you like to be celebrated?
What is the best gift anyone could give you?
When have you felt most loved?

For all of these, state your answer in terms of yourself, not other people. Don’t conclude, “I wouldn’t be angry if you didn’t yell at me.” Instead, try “I need to believe I am valuable.”

Then, the next step is to share your needs with the people in your life.

Emotional Healing Is Possible For You Today

June 12, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

God won’t always grant you more money or heal your body. But the Holy Spirit is always ready to provide emotional healing.

Are you being serious, Matt? I’ve been suffering for years. I don’t believe it. God doesn’t care about my pain. Does He?

Yes, I am serious. The Holy Spirit’s purpose is to guide believers into the truth. If you think about it, that’s the definition of emotional healing. You have a personal guide who can help you become intimately acquainted with God’s truth. Healing is more than learning facts, it’s an emotional experience of the truth.

The only caveat is that you must ask for and seek healing using biblical principles. Transformation is highly desirable, but not necessarily guaranteed (without effort on your part) or easily obtained. You have to really want it.

If you want this valuable transformation, you need to pursue it with Faith, Boldness, Persistence, and Humility.

Emotional Healing Requires Faith

Faith allows the believer to see spiritually. If you are going to approach God, it needs to be with a clear view of who God is. You need the ability to trust God and stay focused on His character!

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
Hebrews 11:6 ESV

If you struggle with believing God cares about you and wants you to thrive, then your first task is to ask God for the faith to see Him clearly.

Emotional Healing Requires Boldness

Boldness in this case means you seek without any kind of pretending or bashfulness. You must approach God with authenticity. You speak clearly. You tell it like it is!

In [Christ Jesus our Lord] we have boldness and access [to God] with confidence through our faith in him.
Ephesians 3:12 ESV

If you are afraid to approach God with what is on your heart, seek out another believer or a counselor who can help you develop boldness.

Emotional Healing Requires Persistence

God’s treasures are not left in the open for all to find. Only those people who really want to find the secrets to life will find them. To find them requires persistence. Do you understand the value of what you are seeking?

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”
Matthew 13:44 ESV

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.
Proverbs 8:17 ESV

If you are tired and want to give up before you reach your goal, ask God for the energy to continue your pursuit.

Emotional Healing Requires Humility

If you want help, you must first prepare your heart to receive help. Desperation is a form of humility that God desires from us. God, you are my only hope! What I want is important and you are the only one who can supply my need.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1 ESV

In the pride of his face the wicked does not seek him; all his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
Psalm 10:4 ESV

Emotional Healing is the subject of an experiential course I’ve developed. To heal emotionally requires that you are willing to:

Understand what your heart needs and doesn’t need.
Learn healthy ways to manage your pain.
Remember uncomfortable experiences.
Confront negative beliefs with the truth of who God is and who you are.
Feel and express your emotions.
Stop avoiding pain in ways that do more harm than good.
Emphasize seeking God and bringing your pain to Him.

While I’m putting the finishing touches on Emotional Healing, it’s available for a substantial discount. From now until Independence Day (July 4, 2022), you can purchase it for $44 instead of $100. Today could be the day you declare independence from the lies that lower your self-worth.

The first lesson is available to preview without any obligation. Also, this post is based on one of the exercises in the course.

Image from Pexels

Fulfillment Is Determined By Your Focus

February 27, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

What would bring you the most fulfillment? If you could pursue it, should you pursue it? The answer depends on what you believe will bring fulfillment.

Think about a time when you purchased something that delivered much less satisfaction than you first imagined it would. Who or what can you blame? Was it the slick salesperson? Was it hyped-up advertising? Or perhaps it was your deep longing for fulfillment that you blindly projected onto the purchased item.

Life Often Lacks Fulfilllment

Put your hope in Christ instead of what happens to you, because:

This earthly life doesn’t have any guarantees… but God’s promise of eternal life does come with guarantees.

You might not deserve God’s love… but you have it and can never lose it.

You might disappoint God… but you are never a disappointment.

You might feel lonely… but you are never alone.

You might feel unwanted… but God made you for a purpose.

You might live with a chronic sense of shame and worthlessness… but God assigned you great value simply by creating you as unique in His image.

You might feel powerless… but the greatest power in all existence lives within you if you believe in Jesus Christ.

You might be down… but you are not out. If you don’t have everything you want in this life exactly the way you want it, that is perfectly alright. You can’t find any real fulfillment in anything this world offers (1 John 2:15-17).

Fulfillment Mostly Comes From the Next Life

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:17 NIV

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18 NIV

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Peter 5:10 NIV

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 NIV

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4 NIV

Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?
James 2:5 NIV

All of these scriptures point to one significant meaning: don’t put so much emphasis on what happens to you in this life. The more you are willing to give up in this life, for the cause of Jesus Christ, the more your reward will be in heaven (Matthew 19:29). The more you cling to what you can gain in this life, the more empty-handed you will be in the next life (and the emptier you will be in this life).

And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said: “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.“Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied.“Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.“Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man!
Luke 6:20-22 ESV

Allow your deepest hunger, your deepest lacking of fulfillment, to drive you to God for the only true fulfillment (John 4:14).

More on Pursuing Fulfillment
Image by billy cedeno from Pixabay

Consider This Confident Attitude

August 15, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Think about something discouraging that has happened recently. Be confident and say, “I don’t care.” Can you say it like you really mean it?

What does this accomplish? Discouragement doesn’t come from God. You don’t have to make room for it in your life.

Of course, I’m not promoting an irresponsible attitude. There are good and bad ways to care.

Good Care Encourages Confident Living

Good care is focused on what is best for a person, even when that person is you. The care you provide, or the care your receive, is based on a genuine need.

When someone provides their input into your life, do you find it refreshing or oppressive? If you care what God says about you and you interpret it the right way, then you’ll feel encouraged. But, if you care indiscriminately and catch the opinion of someone who distorts the truth, you’ll feel hopeless.

Because God cares, He works to fulfill His desires. When you care like God, you can work to fulfill your desires too.

Bad Care Encourages Fearful Living

You can’t be fearful and confident at the same time. You can’t be loyal to the truth and to what is untrue at the same time. Bad care is focused on others’ opinions of you at the expense of truth. In this case, your motive for your behavior is too tightly bound to what others think you should do.

It’s like tolerating an uncomfortable hug. It’s an invasion of your personal space. You honestly don’t want that kind of hug. But it’s like you are lying when you accept the hug you don’t want. Then you’re left to feel icky about what you did, instead of making others aware of your preferences.

Try The Confident “I Don’t Care”

We are constantly evaluating everything that we experience. If you are used to caring too much about what others think, you might not even realize how you truly feel.

Try this: during the next 2-hours be hyper-aware of every decision you make. Pay attention to what motivates you to reach your conclusion. How much are you choosing because of an outside influence (what they want or tell you is best)? How much are you choosing because of an internal prompting (what you want or believe is best)?

It’s okay to consider outside influences if you don’t let them run your life. God made you to be free. He made you unique. If you don’t express who He really made you to be, then the world is missing out on what God deems important.

This attitude might not make you a very popular person. That’s when “I don’t care” becomes such a life-saver. You can only attain true freedom when you live for an audience of one. It’s not that other people don’t matter. However, they must always come in second to God. That’s what makes staying focused on God challenging. It’s an underdeveloped muscle. But it is essential.

Jesus lived only to please God. Despite numerous distractions and painful outcomes, He stayed the course God set before him.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
    he did not think of equality with God
    as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
    he took the humble position of a slave
    and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
    he humbled himself in obedience to God
    and died a criminal’s death on a cross.
Phillipians 2:5-8 NLT

To accomplish this Jesus had to “not care” about the opinions of the Jewish leaders. He had to “not care” about the opinion of Satan. He didn’t consider whether He was going to hurt the feelings of false teachers. Instead, He had to care about what God says. He was humble and confident at the same time.

During that time the devil came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become loaves of bread.” But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say, ‘People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
Matthew 4:3-4 NLT

Realize that what might seems like the right answer, might originate from the wrong outside influence (it might only be politically correct, not biblically correct). You must be merciless in your resolve to not care about what is wrong and determined to care about what matters to God. If necessary, hide what others care about so you can see what God cares about.

So then, in every situation, ask yourself, what does God require of me? What will please Him? What did He create me to achieve at this moment? If you can live this way, you might be surprised at how much you enjoy living.

Take Advantage Of Defensiveness

June 20, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Imagine a conversation caught in an endless loop of defensiveness and blame-shifting.

Person A: Why are you yelling at me?

Person B: I’m not yelling. You’re just too sensitive.

Person A: I’m not too sensitive. You don’t realize how loud you’re being.

Person B: Well, I’m not raising my voice. You’re being unreasonable. I’m only trying to explain why your vacation ideas won’t work. Why can’t you admit when you’re wrong?

Person A: Vacations aren’t about right or wrong. They are something we should both enjoy. You obviously don’t care how I feel. Now I remember why I don’t like going on vacation with you.

Person B: Fine. You’re impossible to please. You take the vacation you want and I’ll go on mine. That’s the only way we’ll both be happy.

Who hasn’t responded with defensiveness? Being “defensive” is neither good nor bad. But adding the “ness” indicates a general pattern of over-protection that prevents people from feeling emotionally close. You can guard against negativity and lies, but you can also guard against I feel shame and I don’t want to be known right now.

A Healthy Defensive Protects You From Harmful Attacks

When you feel threatened, it’s okay to throw up your defenses. Usually, it happens automatically before you’re even fully aware of the danger.

Danger can be a genuine threat that will cause harm but it can also be a false perception. If you experience a situation that reminds you of a threat you’ve had to endure, you can perceive an innocent situation at the same threat level. It’s even possible to be so worn down by stressful experiences that a person can hold onto a generalized level of fear almost all the time. Another word for this is burned-out or it could even be Post Traumatic Stress.

If you take a piece of plastic and bend it, it will start to heat up and weaken. If you do it too much, it will snap. That same thing can happen with us when we experience too much stress in too short a time.

That’s why it is so important to be patient with others. You don’t know what threats they’ve faced. You probably don’t intend to harm anyone, but your behaviors could raise someone’s threat level.

An Unhealthy Defensive Prevents You From Receiving Love

Being defensive is such a natural response that it can be difficult to realize you’re doing anything wrong. Unless there is a real threat that you know you can’t handle, defensiveness blocks you from getting what you want. The good things you want from life will come to you as you learn the right time to be vulnerable.

It’s hard to ask for what you really want when you’re afraid that you’re not going to get it. Maybe you’ve had a string of times you’ve been forgotten. Maybe you’re convinced by now that your desires don’t matter. Whatever the reason, defensiveness might serve to protect you from further disappointment, but it will also protect you from that love you desire.

Now, what would a healthier version of that conversation look like?

Person A: Why are you yelling at me?

Person B: I’m don’t think I’m yelling. Am I being too loud for you?

Person A: When you speak like that I struggle to want to stay in the conversation with you. I can’t handle it. It’s too stressful for me. I don’t feel like you care how I’m feeling.

Person B: This seems like my normal voice. I’ll try to speak more calmly. I want to plan our vacation. I have to admit though, I can’t stand the idea of laying around all week at the beach. I’m concerned I’ll be miserable and I won’t have any fun. That isn’t going to help our relationship.

Person A: Vacations are something we should both enjoy. You don’t seem to realize how stressed I am. Camping out is always so much work. It’s certainly not relaxing.

Person B: Yeah, we’re both stressed. I suppose we could split up. You could go to the beach while I go camping. But that won’t work very well because the whole point is that we need to spend more time together. What if we found a place that has a beach and good hiking nearby?

Whenever you become aware of defensiveness, look for ways to turn it around using vulnerability.

Emotions Are Never Sinful

June 6, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Emotions can reveal sin but they never stand alone as the source of sin. Emotions can lead someone to desire to sin but there is nothing wrong with feeling them. Emotions are messengers. You’ve heard the phrase, “don’t shoot the messenger,” right? A messenger can bring good or bad news, and you should welcome both, as long as the message contains no lies.

Emotions Are To The Heart As An Instrument Panel Is To The Plane

A pilot needs to know the plane’s altitude, airspeed, and direction. The pilot could look out the window to gauge these values, but the plane’s instrument panel, if it is working correctly, will be more accurate. Knowing that your plane is 400 feet off the ground, traveling at 200 MPH, and pointed toward the ground wouldn’t be good news, but it would certainly be helpful to know.

Emotions Are To The Heart As Smoke Is To Fire

Emotions are a byproduct of the heart. Your heart (the core of your life) is the source of all your emotions. Your emotions provide a window into the condition of your heart.

Smoke depends on burning material. Without fire, there would be no smoke. It’s possible to observe or collect smoke only when material burns. Smoke is a byproduct of burning material.

Your heart is the source of your emotions like fire is the source of smoke. Emotions come from your heart to bring you a message. If your heart is well, your emotions will be too. But if your heart is sick, you will feel negative emotions (unless you work to suppress them).

Jesus talked about false laws (such as ceremonial washing) that cannot defile us. He made a point that evils deeds start in the heart.

Peter replied, “What did you mean when you talked about the things that make people unclean?”Jesus then said: Don’t any of you know what I am talking about by now? Don’t you know that the food you put into your mouth goes into your stomach and then out of your body? But the words that come out of your mouth come from your heart. And they are what make you unfit to worship God. Out of your heart come evil thoughts, murder, unfaithfulness in marriage, vulgar deeds, stealing, telling lies, and insulting others. These are what make you unclean. Eating without washing your hands will not make you unfit to worship God.
Matthew 15:15-20 CEV

Will And Behavior Can Be Sinful But Never Emotions

Emotions indicate the status of your heart. The “bad news” you receive from your heart can be painful. But it’s only what you decide (with your will) to do (your behavior) with the pain that can be sinful.

The choices you make, whether in your heart, mind, or body, can be sinful. You can hold onto bitterness (heart) without acting on it. You can think vengeful thoughts (mind) without acting on them. You can strike someone with the intent to harm (body). All three of these are sins, but what about feeling angry? Is it sinful?

If you hold onto anger it becomes sinful but the original impulse is only a neutral indicator. What will you do with your anger? Welcome your angry feeling so you can better understand the condition of your heart.

Thinking of anger (or other emotions) as sinful can lead to suppressing it instead of understanding and addressing it. The reasoning goes like this: Anger is sinful. I’m angry. I need to get rid of the anger. I’ll ignore it. Now that I don’t feel angry, I’m no longer sinful. While this avoids a sinful outburst for the moment, unless the source issue of the heart is addressed, the anger will surface at a later time and likely cause even greater destruction.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Proverbs 4:23 NIV

To guard your heart try this reasoning: Anger is an indicator. I’m angry. I want to understand what is happening in my heart. I know when I address the pain in my heart, I won’t feel angry anymore.

More thoughts on feelings by Matt. And, some more.
Emotions are a gauge, not a guide.
Is anger sinful?
Picture colored by Matt!