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Shame Is A Universal Struggle

Shame Is A Universal Struggle

February 6, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 6 Comments

Reading time: 4 minutes

Shame is a feeling that everyone has to contend with. It’s universally inescapable. You might think that shame is spread from person to person like a disease. Actually, all of us are born with the inevitability to feel shame.

Shame is there, buried deep within us. It’s buried because we’d rather not feel it. It’d deep because it’s been with us from day one. On our best days, we can keep our heads above the water. At times we don’t feel it, but other times we are completely immersed, terrified of drowning in it. This sense of defectiveness infects a person to their core.

Many people confuse guilt and shame, so let’s look at both so you can work on experiencing more freedom.

Guilt is Feeling a Failure of Doing

If you feel bad because of something you did or didn’t do, then you are feeling guilty. There is also “true” guilt and “false” guilt. If there is nothing wrong with what you did, but you feel guilty anyway, that’s false guilt.

If you have done something wrong, God would have you feel a conviction that drives you to repentance and to seek forgiveness from Him. Conviction is different than guilt. Conviction points to a positive restoration. Guilt points to a negative condemnation.

For the Christian who trusts in Jesus’s sacrifice, guilt is no longer necessary. The law’s purpose is to increase awareness of sin, but the law cannot save you from guilt. Sacrifices were only a temporary measure that could not permanently remove guilt.

Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.

Romans 3:19-20 NIV

The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. Otherwise, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins.

Hebrews 10:1-2 NIV

But Jesus’s sacrifice has the power to remove guilt forever. God intends that you believe the following about yourself:

  • you have already been made perfect
  • you are in the process of being made holy
  • you are forgiven once and for all, so that no further sacrifice is necessary
  • you are cleansed from a guilty conscience
  • you can have full assurance of all this by faith

For by one sacrifice [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

And where [sins] have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.

…let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

Hebrews 10:14, 18, 22 NIV

Shame is Feeling a Failure of Being

If guilt isn’t enough then there is also shame: that sickening feeling that results simply from existing. Shame results not from what you’ve done, but from how you feel about being you. The context of shame is always other people, how they must view you. Someone feeling shame desperately wants what is impossible: to remove and discard more of who they are.

When Adam and Eve were “naked and felt no shame,” this means they felt no embarrassment for who they were and what they desired (Genesis 2:25). They accepted how God made them without any concern.

Consider who you are and what you feel ashamed of about yourself. That part of you that you believe is defective, dirty, incompetent, unwanted, inadequate, or bad is what God says is good. He made you the way you are on purpose. After your sin is removed (which has already been done) all that remains is everything you are supposed to be.

I pray you are able to rest more and more in this truth that you are loved and accepted.

Steps to Overcoming Shame.
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Filed Under: Self-Image, Emotional Honesty, Healing, Identity Tagged With: bad, defective, dirty, failure, inadaquate, incompetent, unwanted

Rejection Is Like A Painful Death

Rejection Is Like A Painful Death

January 9, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

What has been your experience with rejection? I see it as the most painful experience. But God has overcome it with the power of His acceptance.

I recently watched the movie, Saving Private Ryan, again. In one scene a German and American soldier are wrestling for survival. The American pulls out a knife, but the German manages to use the knife against him. The American pushes against the German’s arm to prevent the knife from cutting into his chest, but slowly the knife moves deeper until the American dies.

In managing pain, it’s usually easier to face and get it over with quickly. A slow and painful death is bad enough. To face the humiliation of defeat and also endure excruciating torment is the worst. But isn’t this is exactly what Jesus faced on the cross? He was without personal guilt, but in carrying the weight of sin, He must have experienced the shame of our guilt.

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”

1 Peter 2:24 NIV

To die at the hands of another person is a physical rejection. To wither away because of another person’s critical words is an emotional rejection.

Rejection Is a Lie From the Devil

The devil wants you to feel cut off from God. He doesn’t have the ability to sever your connection with God. The best he can do is deceive you into believing God has rejected you.

When you experience emotional rejection, there is nothing true about it. It’s not valid. If you struggle with self-doubt, you become susceptible to believing the lie is valid. You might feel horrible as if it were true. This happens when you focus on the negatives rather than on God. It often leads to God-doubt such as, “God doesn’t love me” or “I’m too defective for God to love me.”

Jesus’s sacrifice saves you from destruction. He rescued you from the darkness–including its lies and shame.

For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.

Colossians 1:13-14 NLT

Because of this, no matter what you’ve done, you do not have to endure any shameful rejection. Don’t do that to yourself. You can graciously accept God’s discipline but you can reject the devil’s rejection.

God Accepts You as a Friend

Do you realize that God is for you? Because of Jesus’s death, you are blameless and without a single fault.

This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault. But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News.

Colossians 1:21-23 NLT

Because God has removed your sin and guilt, you have His complete acceptance. Others may reject you, but God will not reject you any longer. God wants you to cling to this truth. You are a member of His family. You are God’s friend.

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

John 15:15 ESV

To fully heal from rejection, you must not avoid it. Only by feeling it can you realize how false it is. The process involves staring down the lie until it is no more. Facing the lie with the truth weakens it. Even though it can be absurdly painful, the lie will die, leaving you with freedom because of Christ.

Take some time to remember when you have felt most rejected. Allow the truth of God’s acceptance to wash away the lie.

Read more about overcoming discouragement.
Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Filed Under: Identity, Abuse and Neglect, Healing, Self-Image

Learn To Trust To Complete Your Training

Learn To Trust To Complete Your Training

October 17, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

Trust is an essential skill for many aspects of life. It’s the foundation of every relationship you have. You need relationships to move forward in life. This post describes step 3 of 4 of the transformative journey.

Learn To Trust: Be Vulnerable in Relationships

You can’t accomplish anything apart from God. And, since God uses other people, you probably need them too. Trusting involves risk, but it also results in vulnerability which is required if you want to grow more emotionally healthy. It’s easy to trust when no suffering is involved. But God wants us to wait patiently for Him during our suffering.

The Lord’s people may suffer a lot,
but he will always bring them safely through.

Psalm 34:19 CEV

In Star Wars, when Luke attempts to rescue Princess Leia, he ends up trapped in a room-sized trash compactor. When a creature in the compactor strangles him and pulls him underwater, and yet again when the compactor starts shrinking, he must rely not only on his friends Han Solo and Princess Leia but also his droids C3PO and R2D2.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.

Psalm 40:1 NIV

When have you had no choice but to trust others when you’ve been at the bottom of your pit?

Learn To Trust: Replace Lies with Truth

In the midst of suffering, God would have us both accept the suffering and yet confront the lies that the suffering makes possible. When faced with the hopelessness of the moment, hope in God’s decisive, but future, victory is the only way to endure the pain.

Luke escapes the compactor only to see his mentor Obi-Wan struck down by Darth Vader. At that point, he lacks the understanding that something better is coming. But before Obi-Wan dies, he tells Vader, “You can’t win. If you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can imagine.” I imagine that’s what Jesus could have said to the devil.

Obi-Wan’s sacrifice is Luke’s gain because he can speak directly to Luke through the force. I know the force is fiction and impersonal, but it’s hard not to think of the parallels to the Holy Spirit after Jesus’s sacrifice. Obi-Wan guides Luke similarly to how the Holy Spirit guides Christians into truth.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 40:2 NIV

What lies are you believing about God or yourself that keep you in a pit? When have you experienced God removing sin, cleaning you, and blessing you with the truth so your footing is firm?

Learn To Trust: Accept a Positive Interpretation of Your Life

When you experience God the Holy Spirit within you, you have no choice but to see who you are from a positive perspective. You can rejoice that God’s sacrifice sets you free to contend with evil. Life can be hard, but victory is not only possible, it’s guaranteed.

After Luke feels the sting of Obi-Wan’s death, he resolves to continue to fight against evil. His confidence increases as he realizes he has the skills needed to contend with evil. “It’s not impossible,” Luke says as the rebels discuss the death star attack plan. Later he agrees with an old friend that, “they will never stop us.”

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40:3 NIV

When have you had a goal so big that you have no choice but to trust God for a positive outcome?

God is worthy of trust no matter the degree of difficulty you face in this life. There are plenty of “false gods” to choose instead of God, but these will only keep you in a pit.

Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Psalm 40:4 NIV

What false gods do you need to put out of your life so you can accept the amazing plans God has for you?

Read more about developing trust.
Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Filed Under: Identity, God's Kingdom, Self-Image Tagged With: suffering

Complete Your Training To Resist Evil

Complete Your Training To Resist Evil

September 25, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 5 Comments

Reading time: 5 minutes

In Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda challenges Luke Skywalker, “you must complete the training.” Yoda knew that Luke wasn’t ready yet to face his ultimate trial in a fight against Darth Vader.

How are you doing in your battle against the evil spiritual forces (Ephesians 6:12)? To reach a place of confidence in overcoming life problems, you must complete your training.

God’s school for persevering and winning against evil is called “life.” To complete the transformative journey, you must pass through four steps.

Step 1 Training: Overcome Resistance

Luke works for his Aunt and Uncle but isn’t happy as a farmer. He feels duty-bound to help them so he refuses to leave them. His hope to join the academy remains an unfulfilled dream. He is out of place. He isn’t pursuing his calling.

What is blocking you from attaining your dreams? In what ways are you resisting God’s call to adventure in your life? Step one’s purpose is to increase your level of frustration with your current life so much that you are willing to risk making a change. It is characterized by:

  • Pride that covers the pain of your life.
  • Believing lies such as “what others want for me is more important than what I want or what God wants for me.”
  • Resisting God’s call to spiritual growth.
  • Attempting to cope to remain self-sufficient.

Too much pride will destroy you.

Proverbs 16:18 CEV

By the time you finish step one, you are ready to seek the help of a counselor.

Step 2 Training: Commit To Recovery

Luke meets his mentor, Obi-Wan, and agrees to go with him to Alderaan. He learns he has other allies (Han, Chewbacca, Princess Leia) as well as enemies (Darth Vader and the empire). But he and his friends face a huge setback when Alderaan is destroyed.

What setbacks have brought further discouragement into your life, just when you decided to get help? Instead of turning back to your old ways, commit to your emotional recovery. Step two’s purpose is to solidify your reason why you want to pursue change. It is characterized by:

  • Being humbled enough to be willing to seek help.
  • Being willing to consider how the truth applies to your life.
  • Accepting God as good–that He has a plan worth following.
  • Acknowledging your problems and dysfunctional behaviors.

Too much pride can put you to shame.
It’s wiser to be humble.

Proverbs 11:2 CEV

By the time you finish step two, you have uncovered so much pain that you have no choice but to rely on God and other allies.

Step 3 Training: Learn To Trust

Luke fights his way out of the death star with Princess Leia but loses Obi-Wan. He struggles for his freedom only to experience greater suffering with the loss of his mentor.

I see Obi-Wan’s sacrifice and pronouncement that he will become even more powerful as similar to Christ being crucified and becoming more powerful as someone who has defeated death.

What painful memories continue to hold you back from pursuing your dreams? Instead of running from challenges, face them and be transformed by them. Find out what is most important to you. Step three’s purpose is to shift your focus onto how powerful God is and how positive your life is. It is characterized by:

  • Being vulnerable so you can receive the emotional healing you need.
  • Confronting the lies you believe with the truth so can freely move forward in life.
  • Accepting suffering as unavoidable at times and even beneficial.
  • Realizing that God is worthy of your trust.

The Lord’s people may suffer a lot,
but he will always bring them safely through.

Psalm 34:19 CEV

Even David went through years of training while defending his sheep from bears and other beasts (1 Samuel 17:34-37). By the time you finish step three, your training has prepared you to face the Goliath-sized problems.

Step 4 Training: Walk By Faith

Luke joins the rebels, trusts his mentor’s guidance, and destroys the death star. He is no longer self-sufficient. He is trusting in a power greater than himself. He becomes a hero that can inspire others.

What Goliath-sized problem is looming large over your life? How has God proven Himself faithful to you? Look for the opportunities to prove your training has accomplished its purpose. Step four’s purpose is to test your faith as you fulfill your God-planned destiny. It is characterized by:

  • Confidence in your ability to face problems with God’s help.
  • Embracing the truth to overcome doubts and other spiritual attacks.
  • Resisting evil by not giving it any room to thrive.
  • Faithful dependence on God for strength.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear.

Psalm 46:1-2 NIV

By the time you finish step four, your journey is complete. You are ready to help others if they want help with their struggles. You can also identify new problems and start the journey again for yourself. Or, maybe you are like Luke and didn’t finish your training the first time around. That’s okay. With God, it’s never too late to start on a journey of transformation. Future posts will cover each of the four steps in greater detail.

Sometimes a mentor can be a person like a counselor. But a mentor can also be a process like the ones in any of my books. Try either of those if you feel unhappy with where you are in life and want some help to complete your training so you can overcome the big problem in your life.

Learn more about freedom as you experience positive change.
Image by Jeff Jacobs from Pixabay

Filed Under: Identity, Counseling, God's Kingdom, Healing, Self-Image, Spiritual Formation Tagged With: hero's journey

Good Enough Is Perfect

Good Enough Is Perfect

September 18, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

When is enough, enough?

A project does not need to be 100% complete or even 90% to earn the title “good enough.” Good enough happens around 80%–the point of diminishing returns where additional effort is usually not worth it.

In a world where you can’t accomplish everything you want to, good enough is perfect.

An Optimal Return Is Good Enough

Imagine your friend asking you to sit and talk and with her. She will probably be pleased even if you do nothing else. But what will happen if you talk, bring her an expensive gift, and neglect to pay your electric bill? At best you have a happy friend and no power at home. If your friend finds out you neglected your responsibilities to give her something she didn’t want or need, your relationship will likely become awkward. A happy, giftless friend is better than having your electricity shut off and your friend no happier.

Maybe though, you will feel happier giving a gift than paying your bill? While that is possible, it doesn’t seem wise. If that sounds appealing, mostly like you are self-deceived. Consider exploring your motivation for the gift. Are you avoiding something negative (feeling guilty or inadequate) or trying to force something positive (make your friend indebted to you)? You might be happy immediately, but you won’t be happy when the food in your refrigerator spoils or you have no hot water.

Two good enough outcomes are better than one great and one poor outcome.

A Fulfilled Priority Is Good Enough

You have four hours to clean your home and visit with your friend. You could tell your friend you are busy and spend all four hours cleaning. You could skip cleaning and spend all your time with your friend. But maybe cleaning for two hours will clean 80% of the mess. Then you have two hours to spend with your friend.

You can accomplish more if you can prioritize and accept good enough.

You Are Good Enough

You are better off with fewer possessions or worldly accomplishments if it means you are placing your trust in God even more. Allow God to motivate you instead of feelings of guilt or inadaquacy. Choose peace over anxiety, enjoyment over striving.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:3-4 NIV

Better Than Good Enough Is Costly

Going beyond good enough is an expression of our longing for perfection. God made us to desire good things. When we experience negatives, we can attempt to reclaim perfection, but it is costly.

Appearing generous to your friends or having a spotless home can feel amazing at the moment. But think about this: what is the opportunity cost? What are you giving up in order to briefly have something exactly the way you want it? Fulfilling this desire for perfection is not necessary to be content.

We have a “profit” that is greater than theirs—our holy awe of God! To have merely our necessities is to have enough. Isn’t it true that our hands were empty when we came into the world, and when we leave this world our hands will be empty again? Because of this, food and clothing is enough to make us content. But those who crave the wealth of this world slip into spiritual snares. They become trapped by the troubles that come through their foolish and harmful desires, driven by greed and drowning in their own sinful pleasures. And they take others down with them into their corruption and eventual destruction.

1 Timothy 6:6–9 TPT

Good enough gets the job done and leaves energy for many other activities that matter to you. Where have you been unnecessarily wasteful in your life? How can you aim for less but end up with more? Look for inefficiencies in your motivations. You don’t need to exhaust yourself chasing after empty promises. What can you accomplish that is important to you and to God if you could only accept good enough in other areas of your life?

More on Priorities.
More on contentment.
Photo by Katerina Holmes from Pexels

Filed Under: Boundaries, Identity, Self-Image Tagged With: contentment, priorities

Discover Your True Self-Worth

Discover Your True Self-Worth

September 5, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

Reading time: 3 minutes

You can see your self-worth only when you look into a mirror. To discover your worth, you must look outside of yourself. Your self-image can appear differently depending on where you look. What mirror are you looking into for your worth?

A physical mirror reflects your body. Because a mirror has imperfections, you won’t be able to see a completely accurate image of yourself. If you want to know your worth, you must look into more than just a mirror and with more than just your physical eyes.

Distorted Mirrors Reflect a Distorted Self-Worth

Life provides an uncountable number of distorted mirrors that can produce false reflections. People make up the majority of these mirrors. Chances are you’ve looked to at least one of the following in the last day for a clue into your worth:

  • Your boss or job
  • Your spouse
  • Your parent
  • Your performance
  • Your friend
  • Your self
  • The devil

Experiences with other people have such a strong influence on our self-esteem. You can’t help it. God designed you to look outside of yourself for your self-worth. When was the last time you turned to anyone on that list and received a clear and complete understanding of who you are? It’s impossible.

Even though many of the people in your life can provide encouragement through glimpses of your true self, you’ll never be able to receive the whole picture from any of them. In fact, until Jesus returns, you must live with imperfect sight.

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT

An incomplete puzzle has pieces missing which makes it impossible to see the full image. To function without the full image requires faith, which is one of the three greatest virtues Paul is talking about in Corinthians 13:13.

Perfect Mirrors Reflect an Accurate Self-Worth

While there are many distorted mirrors, there is only one perfect mirror. Only Jesus can reveal your true self. When you ask Jesus who you are, you will receive a straight, accurate answer. He can look through all distortions to see who God made you to be.

To see yourself as God see you, to discover your true self-worth, you can’t look with physical eyes. Instead, you must look into Jesus’s eyes with your spiritual eyes. When you see His gaze by faith, that is, when you see His face, you can trust your eyes. Even then, however, the picture you receive is going to be missing some pieces. Only God knows you completely. You can’t completely see and understand yourself this side of heaven.

A person’s steps are directed by the Lord.
    How then can anyone understand their own way?

Proverbs 20:24 NIV

I’m an introvert. I like to be introspective. But as much as I do, I quickly reach a point where I can see no further. I don’t understand fully how God made me or who I’m supposed to be. Yet with God’s Spirit with me, there is enough understanding to know my self-worth and act by faith.

Take a moment now to look at yourself according to the measure of faith God has given you (Romans 12:3). As you look into Jesus’s face, what love do you see looking back at you? Ask God to strengthen your faith. Then remember what you see. When you are tempted to doubt your worth in a difficult situation, recall how God sees you.

Read my book To Identity and Beyond for a more detailed discussion.
How to keep your self-worth.
Image by AliceKeyStudio from Pixabay

Filed Under: Self-Image, Identity Tagged With: reflection

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