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Be Close And Feel No Shame

Be Close And Feel No Shame

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To be close to someone requires that you reveal who you are. Unfortunately, because of the fall, we can experience shame by believing that we are ugly (deformed) in some way, even though God never intended us to experience this.

Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Genesis 2:25 NLT

That sums up the primary goal of marriage. Can you reveal who you are and what you really want, without hesitation or embarrassment? Can you do it with someone of the opposite sex who might not understand you so well?

You can be rejected and feel ashamed at the same time, but you don’t have to. If someone chooses to reject you, your response might range from indifference to depressed, to feeling deeply ashamed.

There’s no greater stress on your soul than feeling ashamed. To feel humiliated is to believe that your greatest desire will never be fulfilled. It happens when you honestly admit what you want more than anything while simultaneously accepting that the culmination of your desire is impossible, and therefore, something must be hopelessly wrong with who you are.

Freedom Enables Closeness

Freedom allows for longing to grow. When you have freedom, you can be aware of what you want and be allowed to pursue it.

Control is the opposite of freedom. It has to do with insecurity which can originate from the belief I am not worth being pursued. When you feel unattractive (whether by physical appearance or within your being), it’s tempting to force closeness (to prove worth) or distance (to avoid feeling worthless) in relationships.

So you can see how togetherness and separateness can be in conflict in marriage. Freedom allows your spouse to feel their desire to be with you. It allows both of you to be who God created you to be.

Love and Respect Enable Closeness

The desire for acceptance and the likelihood of experiencing shame promote defensiveness. But the resulting distance produces loneliness which isn’t good either (Genesis 2:18).

Love and respect affirm a person’s identity. They are the antidote to shame, so without them, shame is certain. Love and respect can’t be faked, so you must cultivate them genuinely.

Genuine togetherness occurs when both husband and wife desire to be together. You can encourage a desire for closeness by focusing on the positive qualities of both you and your spouse. You are both made in God’s image, so even when you might not be able to see positives qualities, they exist.

Separateness Enables Closeness

God didn’t make a husband and wife to be together 100% of the time. To be literally one would make the need for two obsolete. Instead, “one” means to function as one–to be on the same team. Members of a volleyball team would be much less effective if they were joined at the hip (too close) or if they played independently of each other (too separate). Their effectiveness increases as they cooperate but perform distinct functions. The strongest team will have diversified (not redundant) members who function together to achieve a purpose greater than they can achieve apart.

Marriage is more challenging than volleyball. It’s easier to be on the same team in volleyball because the skills required are fewer and simpler. The playing field is divided into two parts. The opponents are clearly visible. The objective is in plain sight.

When you lose sight of the purpose of marriage the team analogy becomes less understandable, but it’s no less valid. Conflict in marriage will increase to the degree the team objective is lost. The conflict often results from one or both people wanting too much closeness or too much separateness. A person’s expectations can become not only unhealthy but also impossible to fulfill.

Every relationship has an optimal amount of closeness which can vary depending on the season of life. Paradoxically, knowing how to be skillfully distinct (separate) allows for being the closest possible without feeling ashamed.

You can live knowing you are beautiful today for two reasons:

  1. You are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27).
  2. God reformed you into a new creation without sin (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 4:24).

For these reasons, you can draw close to God without experiencing shame (Hebrews 4:16) and then also draw close as husband and wife.

For further learning, consider what is the objective of your marriage. How can you support each other on the same team? Ask God to help to see and affirm the positives in your spouse.

Read more about what it means to be a new creation.
Read more about being separate and together.
Photo by Kampus Production from Pexels

Heal Your Memories

Heal Your Memories

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Wouldn’t it be nice to heal without having to relive painful memories? Unfortunately, to heal a memory, it’s necessary to face it directly. You can’t change a memory, but you can change how you see it. How you interpret life events that can create serious emotional problems. Healing a memory involves changing its meaning from negative to positive.

Your brain stores your significant memories along with how positively or negatively you interpret those personal events. That sounds great for positive memories but why would you want to store negative memories? You need to access negative memories if you want to heal.

Part of healing is learning from what happened. The re-interpreting is the learning. Therefore, remembering is essential to healing. So, it’s not a good idea to zap yourself or hit your head until you forget an awful memory.

To change a memory’s interpretation you must appeal to a higher authority than you looked to when you created the memory. Even the determination of which authority is higher is subjective. Some people look to harmful or even evil people as their authority. As Christians, we know God is the ultimate authority, but we also know our sin within can deceive us.

This is part 2 of Sean’s healing journey.

Sean’s Memories Need Healing

Sean entered into a negative cycle that seriously picked up steam during his high school years. He continued to act out in high school. Once the victim, he now became the bully. When anyone taunted him, he fought back swiftly. He hunted down those who harmed him, including those that he hadn’t spoken to in years.

One day though, Sean started feeling different. After another fight, a girl from his class spoke kindly to him, “You’re so angry. You must be really hurt inside.” He started feeling a twinge of guilt whenever he saw the hurt on his victim’s face. He remembered how sad he felt before he allowed anger to consume him. Sean didn’t understand why he was changing. God was about to draw him into a much-needed healing process.

Sean began to realize how his behavior was hurtful and pointless. What did it accomplish? No matter how many fights he got into, he still felt miserable. He made a commitment to stop mistreating others and himself. At first, this was difficult and he had mixed results. He stopped picking fights but found it more difficult to stop his binge eating.

When Sean was twenty years old, God led him through some specific memories. Sean revisited his experience of losing his bicycle at 7 years old. He felt the pain of loss like he never had before. This was actually the first time he allowed himself the luxury of grieving his loss.

The Truth Heals Sean

Sean realized for the first time that he didn’t deserve his parents’ harsh response to someone stealing his bicycle. His parents didn’t give him the opportunity to correct his ways after his mistake. His life in the past thirteen years would have been very different if his parents could have restored him gently.

God lead Sean to specific scriptures that demonstrated how He offers mercy and grace along with the truth.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John 1:14 ESV

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

Psalm 103:8 ESV

Sean became involved in a small group at his church and he told them his bicycle story. God led the members of his group to come around Sean and help him see and experience God’s love. They chipped in and purchased a new (adult) bicycle for Sean. Sean used his new bicycle to get to school and work.

Part 3 of Sean’s Story explains in more detail how to heal emotional wounds.

Sean’s Story Part 1
Sean’s Story Part 3
Image by Isa KARAKUS from Pixabay

Experiencing God

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Experiencing God Meeting Your Needs

God made us to have needs. How do you respond when God appears out of reach? It cuts to the core. It’s easy to respond negatively. What’s really going on here?

The Fox and the Grapes

A famished fox saw a cluster of ripe grapes hanging from a trellised vine. She resorted to all her tricks to get at them, but wearied herself in vain, for she could not reach them. At last she turned away, hiding her disappointment and saying: “The Grapes are sour, and not ripe as I thought.”

Wanting Something But Cannot Get It

Has this ever happened to you? You want something, but you cannot get it, and so you despise it? It is easy to despise what you cannot get. Then there is cognitive dissonance – wanting something, but not wanting it. What is cognitive dissonance? It’s a tension. When we are frustrated it is tempting to take an easy way out. It is the place where you reach where you hold seemingly contradictory thoughts at the same time. It is a place of confusion – uncertainty. When you find yourself frozen in your tracks and unable to make a decision, you might be experiencing C.D. Why else would you feel that way? That’s got to be tough – to want something so badly, but realize it’s beyond your grasp. The easy way out is to pretend you never needed in the first place.

More than Grapes

This applies to dating, and a whole lot of other things too. It applies to our hopes and dreams. It applies to our efforts. It applies to our self-worth. How? When we want something, but cannot attain it, it is certainly frustrating! Frustration combined with some unhealthy thinking leads to turning the frustration inward – taking it out on yourself. And wah-la — you are not just despising what you cannot get, you are despising yourself because you cannot get what you want. “I guess I didn’t deserve that anyway” or “I guess God doesn’t want me to have that” or “That must have been a bad thing for me because God isn’t allowing me to have it” “The grapes are sour anyway – I know it”.

Alternatives to Sour Grapes

Are there alternatives? You can get a ladder. Get some help! Are the grapes worth getting or not? Is the land flowing with milk and honey worth it or not? Or “is the land full of giants?” The land is spoiled. Unattainable. God won’t be with us. He doesn’t want the best for us. We are like grasshoppers. We can’t do it. I didn’t want it anyway. I am not worthy of such good grapes. I’ll take the sure bet – what I can achieve on my own.

What else can you do? You can look for lower hanging grapes. The grapes aren’t sour, they are presently out of reach. You can get them eventually. Don’t give up. Be patient. Be persistant. Be determined. Buy time. Don’t take your eye off the prize.

Reflections

Ask yourself – how does the fox feel about himself when he cannot get he grapes? Can he feel very good if he “curses” the grapes? What are the grapes in your life? Would you like some help to reach your grapes? I love helping people reach their grapes through focused determination and insights that help them see themselves as God sees them, and help people see God as he really is – a grape provider. Or, as we are sheep, God is a grass provider.

Resources

Numbers 13:32-33

And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 23:1

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.

Read on Bible Gateway

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying.

Experience can clash with expectations, as, for example, with buyer’s remorse following the purchase of an expensive item. In a state of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.

Read more on wikipedia

Why A Cult Becomes Attractive

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Allison Mack, a former Smallville actress, has been in the news recently for her alleged participation in a sex cult. She led other women to participate in physical mutilation, starvation, and sex acts.

How could someone end up convinced this is okay?

What is a Cult?

A cult is different from a religious movement such as a Christian church in one very important way. A cult has an underlying, intentional mission to exploit its membership for its own selfish gain. The leadership might be the only ones who benefit and the only ones aware of the full extent of the cult’s destructive agenda.

A healthy church, while never perfect, has an explicit mission to help, nurture, and strengthen its membership. God wants us to be committed to Him and His church but He never coerces us against our will.

A cult usually has three defining characteristics:

  • Members are required to maintain an unquestioning commitment to the cult and its leadership.
  • Members tolerate exploitative manipulation (whether they see it as such or not).
  • Members harm other members and anyone outside the cult they can influence.

See International Cultic Studies Association or More About Cults for more details.

What Kind of Person is Attracted to a Cult?

To be attracted to a cult, a person must have a deep unmet need. Since this describes most if not all people, the person must also lack an absolute worldview and suffer from low self-worth. By absolute worldview, I mean a solid understanding of what life is all about, based on fact, not fiction.

Other factors leading to vulnerability to joining a cult include:

  • Having a strong need to belong
  • A desire for meaning and to make a difference
  • Lacking boundaries – an inability to define oneself
  • Lacking confidence – an inability to discern and confront questionable behavior
  • Lacking independence – an inability to think for oneself and make one’s own decisions
  • Acting with blind trust – a willingness to give up one’s identity and follow another’s
  • Dissatisfaction with how life is going

Notice that many of the factors are good and normal. An empty person looking for an answer will be drawn to a cult because a cult has answers. A naive, desperate, and/or gullible person will not catch that the answers are evil; instead, they will see only superficial good intentions. Having an answer to the meaning of life is a core need. Without meaning, you’re extremely vulnerable to signing up for the first movement that comes your way.

The Perfect Protection Against a Cult

If you won’t stand for something good, you might end up following something evil. Invest your best effort to develop a confident identity which includes an absolute worldview. Knowing your worldview and identity keeps you safe. A worldview can’t be what you hope is true; it must contain some elements of what is actually true.

Life is demanding. To meet the demand, you must come to a greater knowledge of who you are. In particular, you must understand who God made you to be.

Don’t fall into the same trap as Allison Mack. Popularity and fame are poor substitutes for meaning and identity. You can’t have meaning without knowing your identity. Learn how to develop a Confident Identity.

All Things New

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A traumatic event is not easily forgotten. As you begin this new year, what is one thing you’d like to forget?

If you’re in a car accident, your car doesn’t fix itself. If your tooth develops a cavity, the decay needs to be removed. When something breaks, you must decide what to do with it. Can it be restored? Is there hope, or are you better off cutting your losses?

If nothing will ever change, then hope will be impossible. Then all that remains is suffering.

God introduces the needed change.

I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it?

I have put roads in deserts, streams in thirsty lands.

Isaiah 43:19 CEV

Because God is making us anew, hope is inevitable. You can change. You don’t have to remain stuck and hopeless. God is rehabilitating you. God wants you to feel hopeful.

Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new.

2 Corinthians 5:17 CEV

Forget what happened long ago! Don’t think about the past.

Isaiah 43:18 CEV

The more you can leave behind your past, the better you will be. “Leave behind” is a loaded phrase. It takes significant emotional work to leave behind difficult experiences (memories).

Therefore, to move forward, you first need to move backward. If your carpet is dirty and worn, you need to rip it out before you can install new carpet.

Grieving is the work of leaving behind. Once that raggedy carpet is gone, you can forget about it. But you don’t want to completely forget about it, otherwise, you’ll be more likely to repeat an accident (like spilling grape juice).

Grieving allows you to remember the lesson, but forget about the discomfort and shame. Forget about it. Don’t worry about it. You are free. Once you are free, you are open to all that God has for you.

What is one new thing you want God to do in your life this year?

How To Know When To Say No

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You might be more of a people pleaser than you realize. When you are presented with a decision, how often do you discount your opinion with something like, “I can go either way” or “It doesn’t matter to me; you pick”? Or, maybe you disregard your opinion with a “Yes” without considering what you want.

Certainly, there will be times when you are indifferent. Even during these times, it’s nearly always a good idea to know what you want, even if you give up what you want for someone else.

A quick response of indifference might involve the least amount of effort, but it can cost you significantly more later on. Instead, what if you invested the time to know what you want?

The less you know yourself, the harder it is to give a clear, direct answer to even a simple question. When you know yourself well, your answer will be second nature.

You might be wondering, “How do I get to know myself?” There are two main approaches to strengthening your self-image. You can remain reactive or go proactive.

  1. In reactive mode, you stumble through life and only give consideration to your ways when it becomes absolutely required of you (if ever).
  2. In proactive mode, you consider your ways every chance you get. You explore your past and use what you learn to better your future. You take advantage of the fact that God gives you truth about life, including details about who you are.

A step in-between the two modes is trial and error. You essentially try something blindly. Then perhaps as an afterthought, you evaluate the outcome. It’s not completely reactive or proactive.

The superior approach is having an awareness of who you are. Then during any given moment, you can proactively choose how to act based on what you know about yourself. God wants you to live a self-examined life (see Haggai 1).

Essential to every approach is what you do with your experiences. God gives you a process to discover your identity (who you are as defined by God). The goal is to increase the awareness of your identity so that decisions become easier over time.

If you have trouble people-pleasing or making good decisions, that’s usually because you don’t know yourself well enough. Learning who you are can occur “on accident,” but knowing yourself will take much longer that way.

Instead, take the time to evaluate your experiences and weed out the lies that are growing in the garden of your self-image. With the clutter of lies cleared away, you’ll know more clearly whether you want to say yes or no.

For example: if you don’t know who you are very well, then you might end up with an over-booked schedule. You’ll wonder why you are tired and irritable. If you continue to ignore your God-given identity, you’ll assume you are doing what God wants you to be doing because you are serving others.

In contrast, with healthy boundaries that come from a healthy identity, you’ll be confident about where to draw the line. You can say yes to some activities and no to others without feeling guilty or overwhelmed.

Some things God requires of you. You should feel motivated to do right and not wrong. But actually, most things are up to you. God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7). You can decide to go for a walk or stay home. You can decide to visit a friend or be by yourself. For these decisions, you must trust that God gives you enough intelligence to choose.

You can know what to choose by determining what level of self-care you need at any given moment. Then weigh that against the needs of others around you.

You might be surprised at your preferences when you discover them, but they are never a surprise to God. God knows what you will choose before you choose it. Trust that God gave you a built-in preference system–that’s your identity.

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