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The Best Way To Receive Love

The Best Way To Receive Love

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Love is a two-way street. Both the person offering love and the person receiving love must be willing participants.

What happens if you pour water into a cup with holes and take a drink? You’ll probably end up with more water on the outside of your body than on the inside. If your goal is to cool off, a cup with holes is okay. But if you’re thirsty, such a cup doesn’t work well.

Having a negative self-worth is like having holes in your cup. God can pour all of His love into you, but if you ignore, reject, or lack the ability to hold onto it, you won’t feel love for very long.

Everybody has holes in their cup. That’s a consequence of living in a fallen world. Even with the holes, there is hope.

Jesus said we shouldn’t put new wine into old wineskins. Why did He say this?

Now John’s disciples and the Pharisees were fasting. Some people came and asked Jesus, “How is it that John’s disciples and the disciples of the Pharisees are fasting, but yours are not?” Jesus answered, “How can the guests of the bridegroom fast while he is with them? They cannot, so long as they have him with them. But the time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them, and on that day they will fast.

“No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. Otherwise, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.”

Mark 2:18-22 NIV

Jesus is teaching about compatibility. Sometimes old ways of living are not compatible with new ways. The new wine needs to breathe, so it needs a wineskin that can expand. Old wineskins are less flexible than new ones. Your old way of living, your flesh, is not compatible with your new way of living in the Spirit.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

Galatians 5:16-17 ESV

The old ways lead to death, but the new ways lead to life.

Receive Love With A New Heart

God gives a new heart to all believers.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

Ezekiel 36:26 NIV

A heart of stone cannot receive God’s love. There’s no way to grow spiritually if you cannot receive His love. So God gives you a new heart that can receive His Spirit. With your new heart, you can enjoy spiritual growth.

Receive Love By Finding Leaks

Your new heart is all you need, but your old heart lives on in this life. If you can understand how your old heart is broken, you can minimize your losses.

The Spirit and flesh are at odds with each other. The lies you believe about yourself drain your self-worth. There’s a battle going on inside of you. Do you trust your old heart or your new heart?

The fleshly heart bears a wound. Nothing much can be done about it. The flesh wants to resist and complain. Everyone who feels miserable and hopeless is going to oppose God.

Fortunately for those of us with new hearts, we can choose to focus on the Spirit. We can experience peace and hope. Shift your focus today to your new heart. It’s as real as your old heart. It’s going to last forever while your flesh is already dying and actually already dead (Galatians 5:24). Hold open your new heart so you can catch God’s love. Allow this connection with God to be more important than the messages you receive from your old heart.

If you struggle with understanding how to do this, seek out a Christian counselor or other trusted person to help you.

Read more about God’s love for you.
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Be Assertive Even When You Don't Feel Like It

Be Assertive Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Being assertive is hard work. Many people avoid it altogether because of how much effort it takes to get it right. Being aggressive requires little self-control and being passive requires little energy. People prefer being assertive about as much as they prefer exercise over junk food.

To be sure, exercise has its benefits and you can even grow to crave exercise more than your favorite TV show. But enjoying something like exercise takes time to develop. It’s worth the effort though because it’s more deeply satisfying than whatever comes too easily.

Passive = Discount You And Count Others

You might choose to be passive when you don’t care about the outcome. That’s actually being smart. You conserve energy by avoiding to make any decision.

Most of the time you’re likely to have an opinion. When you care about the outcome, but still don’t speak up regarding you preferences, you’re being passive.

Aggressive = Count You And Discount Others

You might choose to be aggressive when you care too much about the outcome. If you believe you are right and must decide immediately (such as in an emergency) then aggressive behavior might be you only option.

Most of the time forcing your choice on others isn’t optimal nor positive. When you believe you must win at all costs (or on terms others find unacceptable), you are being aggressive.

Being aggressive is more efficient than being assertive but it usually comes with consequences (whether foreseen or not). Sometimes the damage done is irreparable.

Assertive = Count You And Count Others

Assertiveness requires much more up front effort, but the end result is usually much more satisfying. That’s because there’s always some form of win-win.

People tend to choose passivity when they believe that considering their opinions, wants, or needs are selfish. But it’s not selfish to declare your desired outcome. Just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you’ll always get it. Even Jesus asked for another way out of his crucifixion before he became obedient to death. He asserted His desire but was also always ready to submit to God’s desire.

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Matthew 26:39 NIV

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:3-8 NIV

People tend to choose aggressiveness when they believe their desired outcome is more important than anyone else’s. Jesus remained assertive because He let His desired outcome be secondary to God’s. In the end, we all won our freedom because of Jesus. And, He won too because God glorified Him.

Passive and aggressive people are both selfish, although with very different expressions. The passive person fails to speak the truth about themselves. The aggressive person might be truthful but not without being destructive. The passive person not speaking the truth is also destructive, just in a different way.

Why should you choose to be assertive even when you don’t feel like it? To be assertive means to reach for the greatest good like Jesus. When you are stuck in conflict with someone, ask each other what is the greatest good that can come out of this? How can you both be satisfied with any decision?

Read more about selfishness.
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Amazing Desire To Gain Understanding

Amazing Desire To Gain Understanding

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Reading time: 4 minutes

How well do you feel truly understood? On a quest to be understood, you’ll probably first need to pursue understanding yourself. You might find yourself asking a series of progressive questions:

  • How well do I feel understood?
  • What has happened to me in the last several months?
  • Have I talked with anyone about what is going on with me?
  • How well do I know what is going with me? How well can I explain it to someone else?
  • Could others not understand because they do not consider understanding me a priority for them?
  • Does anyone care about me?

You might not be on others’ radar, but you should be on your radar. Others might be consumed with their own thoughts or pursuits. If you want to be understood, seek to understand yourself and learn how to communicate your insight to others.

Getting Understanding Is Half The Battle

Having a clear understanding means you have an accurate assessment of any given situation. Then, with God’s motivation to do what is best, you should be able to choose a positive step forward.

Get wisdom, get understanding;
    do not forget my words or turn away from them.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
    love her, and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
    Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
Cherish her, and she will exalt you;
    embrace her, and she will honor you.
She will give you a garland to grace your head
    and present you with a glorious crown.”

Proverbs 4:5-9 NIV

Of course, when God is involved, the best way forward is a step of faith as you trust Him. One of the best wise sayings is to not lean on your own understanding. That’s because only God has complete understanding. When you are able to follow God along your confusing (crooked?) path, then you have wisdom and understanding.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

God doesn’t expect us to understand the course of our life apart from Him.

A person’s steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand their own way?

Proverbs 20:24 NIV

Getting wisdom doesn’t mean you automatically understand everything, but it does mean you’ll be able to lean into God.

Understanding Yourself Is A Prerequisite

You might not be able to figure out your way, at least not with absolute certainty, but you can better know yourself. Before you can attempt to understand someone else, you need to understand yourself (so you can relate). Before someone else can understand you, you need to understand yourself (so you can share yourself with others).

What happens if you don’t know yourself very well? Others can observe your behaviors and offer their best guess about what is going on with you. God can teach you about yourself through others, but you always have the ability to choose your opinion over other’s opinion.

Sometimes adversity can force you to find yourself. That’s where the saying, “Let’s see what you’re made of” comes from. As you rise to meet challenges, your identity becomes clearer.

Counseling Helps You Gain Understanding

When I am counseling others, one of my main goals is to help my clients become more in touch with who they are. While there are various techniques to achieve this, the simplest might be curiosity. When I am curious about my clients, it helps them to find their voice, opinions, and preferences. Often, if a person doesn’t sense anyone will understand, they don’t bother trying to understand themselves. This means a lot of potential remains untapped.

When God created each one of us, He created a seed of our identity. At conception, we are like a seed. The seed defines our identity, but it needs time to grow into the intended target. Never looking into who you are is like not planting the seed or like receiving a gift but never opening it.

To better understand yourself, experiment by trying a new activity or an old one in a new way. Consider what you learn from it. Then pick something else new and repeat.

If you become lost during your life journey, try explaining yourself to someone else who doesn’t know you very well. Hopefully you’ll figure out that you had the answer within you all along, you just needed some help getting to it. Give yourself this opportunity to discover more of who God made you to be.

Read more about knowing yourself.
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Priorities That Keep God Prominent

Priorities That Keep God Prominent

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Christians have a dilemma when it comes to choosing their priorities. If they spend a lot of time on work or with family, does that mean God isn’t at the top of their list? Common Christian wisdom says to prioritize something like:

  1. God
  2. Spouse
  3. Children
  4. Work
  5. Family
  6. Church
  7. Self

Can you see a problem with this way of organizing priorities? What happens if you give 100% to God? Will there be anything left over for the rest of the list? What happens if you give 25% (42/168 hrs) to work and 30% (50/168) to sleep? That leaves only 45% for everything else.

A sequential (linear) list like this implies that the items at the bottom of the list are expendable. But all seven are important. There must be a way to prioritize everything.

Prioritize Yourself And Others

During an airplane emergency, when the oxygen masks drop, you are supposed to put a mask on you first so you can stay alive to help others. In that first instant, you are wise if you focus on yourself.

Jesus says to serve others and consider them more important (Philippians 2:3) but He also says to love others as you love yourself (Matthew 22:39). Usually, it is a given that people will care for themselves, so they need a reminder to think of others. Yet, sometimes people don’t even know how to care for themselves well, so they need a reminder to maintain good self-care.

John replied, “If you have two shirts, give one to the poor. If you have food, share it with those who are hungry.”

Luke 3:11 NLT

If you have more than you need (two shirts) give away what you have in excess. He isn’t saying you should give your last shirt away. He means don’t hoard extra things that others need. If you are blessed with extra, share it with others. A healthy heart practices self-care but doesn’t hoard.

Prioritize God In All You Do

The Bible says to put God’s spiritual kingdom first (Matthew 6:33). What’s a person to do? Are Christians supposed to put God, self, or others at the top of their priority lists? The Bible never contradicts itself. It might appear like it does because it is comprehensive. The Bible can correct your heart no matter if you are too self-focused, too self-neglectful, or too spiritually-focused.

Is it possible to be too spiritual? “He is so spiritually minded that he is no earthly good.” Isn’t this the same attitude that Jesus corrected in the Pharisees? They were so lawfully minded that they missed God’s desire to love people. God wants us to be motivated by His love. This means we must receive His love first.

We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:19 NIV

God doesn’t want anyone to be so consumed with Him that it isolates them from others. Neither does God want anyone to be so focused on the daily tasks of this life that they don’t have time for Him.

God and other priorities don’t have to be time-compartmentalized. Instead of time for God followed by time for others, what if you bring God into all that you do throughout your day? You can keep your mind fixed on God and check off everything on your to-do list. Here is an exercise that illustrates this principle.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

Acknowledge God in all you do (Proverbs 3:6).

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Colossians 3:2 NIV

You can honor God with your priorities as you see everything from the context of heaven. Your priorities on earth should be linked the God’s heavenly priorities. God is the glue that holds all the important stuff together as you go about your day. When you let God be involved, He has a way of helping you complete the important priorities. Keep Him in mind no matter what you are trying to do.

Read more about how priorities are linked to life-satisfaction.
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Worry Less Trust More

Worry Less Trust More

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Worry and anxiety are pretty much the same. Spiritually speaking, they both are rooted in fear which is essentially an inability to trust God no matter what.

Life brings many situations that challenge our ability to trust God. What can you do to worry less and trust more?

Worry Less By Focusing On The Present Moment

When you worry, you are looking too far ahead into the future. All of us would like to know the future. But it can interfere with your faith. If you could only have one or the other, God would always prefer you maintain your faith (your trust) in Him instead of knowing anything about the future.

How far into the future is too far to be looking? For some people or in some situations looking 100 years might be too far. But others can stir up anxiety even by looking 100 seconds. Where you focus is more important than how far ahead you look. If you try to find security somewhere out into the future, you will never find it because you will miss that God is with you in the present.

If you want to worry less, then reduce how far you are looking ahead until you reclaim a sense of peace. Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow (the future). Each day (the present) has enough to occupy you. If even the events of later in the day concern you, focus on the present moment. At this very second, there’s not a whole lot to be concerned about. Take one day (one moment, one second) at a time.

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:27,34 NIV

If you find yourself saying, “yes, but…” about something that’s going to be happening or needs to happen, then you’ve already shifted your focus away from the present and onto a future moment. If you want to experience peace instead of stress, stop and recenter yourself back to the present.

Worry Less By Surrendering All Outcomes to God

You might be having an awesome day and find it easy to trust God. You might be having a horrible day, month, or year but God would have you trust Him the same. Nothing should come between you and God. Bad luck? Nope. Evil? Nope. Disease? Nope. Your health? Nope. Your very life? Nope. See Romans 8:31-39 for more on this.

It’s easy to value your life more than God. If you suffer a serious illness, your very existence is threatened. Or is it? It really depends upon your perspective. As a believer, you’re going to live forever. Do you allow God to determine how long you will live in this life? Or are you wringing your hands trying to figure out how to squeeze another hour out of it?

It’s easy to care about what happens in this life because it’s all we know. Or is it? As a believer, you have the Holy Spirit. So you have a taste of heaven today. Right now you can sense the goodness of heavenly living.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

Do what is reasonable for each day to move your life forward. Leave the rest up to God (by praying and letting it go). If you find yourself panicking because of one thing or another, stop trying to be God: reduce what is on your plate. You weren’t meant to save the world. God sent Jesus for that!

Read more about trusting God.
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Repair Trust Through Repeated Testing

Repair Trust Through Repeated Testing

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Reading time: 4 minutes

When you search for trust quotes you will find many popular ones. I’ve chosen two quotes to illustrate the best way to repair trust. The first quote is more helpful than the other because it is balanced and therefore more emotionally healthy.

Trust but verify.

Ronald Reagan

At first glance, you might think the “verify” part cancels the “trust” part. But, when you verify something, you test it to make sure it is doing what it claims to be doing. The more you test and determine its claims are valid, the more your trust will increase. The opposite is true, too. The more you find that the claims are false, the less you will trust.

The more you verify claims as upheld, the more you will trust. Then, after a certain amount of trust develops, you reach the point where it becomes akward and unnecessary to continue to verify so frequently.

Reputation Can Destroy Trust

Unfortunately, it’s possible to have tested encounters with other people and developed a general lack of trust. Instead of “Trust but verify,” your motto might be “Distrust and always verify” or even “Never trust again.” Broken trust can be so destructive that the people in your life today can pay for the lack of trustworthiness of the people from your past. If this sounds like you, then you might appreciate this second quote:

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.

Unknown

This quote makes a good point (that trust doesn’t automatically repair with only time) but it comes at the cost of being overly pessimistic. More accurate is: Trust requires integrity to build and it can be repaired with repentance. It is relatively easy for two motivated people to restore confidence in each other. It doesn’t have to take forever.

More than likely the person who came up with the forever-to-repair quote is dealing with a person who either refuses to repent or at least isn’t very good at it. If you’ve been burned a lot, trust won’t be easy. Trust shouldn’t be cheap. Trust should be given to people who prove themselves to be trustworthy. Verifying someone is trustworthy keeps them accountable. It’s part of the trust-building process.

A Swing Can Help You Repair Trust

Imagine you are visiting a friend’s house and they invite you to play on their swing. You generally trust your friend, but the swing looks rickety. Do you:

(a) Sit down with your full weight and swing as high as you can?
(b) Refuse to play on the swing?
(c) Attack your friend for suggesting that you use a broken swing?
(d) Gingerly sit down with half your weight?

Depending on your risk tolerance, you might be comfortable with any of the above. However, the best answer, at least with respect to trust, is (d). The other three have definite flaws. (a) could result in a serious injury. (b) communicates distrust and a lack of interest in pursuing trust. (c) communicates disrespect. (d) is superior because it pursues trust but it also attempts to verify your friend’s claims.

Option (d) works best because it is God’s definition of trust. A loving person is always willing to forgive, giving others the benefit of the doubt. That’s possible when the person sees the good, redeeming qualities in the other. Although waiting for a person to get their life in order can be painful and even take a long time, whatever makes them awesome is worth the wait.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

Trusting, or having confidence in another person, means you believe in them and therefore you’re never going to give up on them. Because God is love, this means God will never give up on you! He will keep testing you to improve your integrity (James 1:2-4).

Read more about repairing trust.
https://www.gotquestions.org/love-always-trusts.html
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