Christian Concepts

Bringing your Potential to Light

Spiritual Formation

Surviving On The Fringe

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Are you on the fringe? Fringe means “to be on the outskirts.” That can be good or bad depending upon what it at the center.

Last week I wrote about feeling on the outskirts of God and what He is doing in the world. But what if we flip that around and define fringe as being on the outskirts of what the world is doing? Then being on the fringe would be a good thing.

Jesus lived on the fringe while He was on earth. The leaders at the time expected Him to join them in their agenda. But Jesus certainly lived as if not engrossed in the world:

What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

1 Corinthians 7:29-31 NIV

If you find yourself depressed and anxious about what is happening in the world, maybe you are too deeply engrossed? What is too engrossed? This means living as if this life is all there is. If it were all there is, you’d have to put your full hope in it. You’d have no other choice.

If you are holding too tightly to this world, you’re going to feel discouraged. You’re going to be worried because this world in its present form is passing away. But, there is another option besides hoping in this world.

If you are in Christ, you are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). God has separated you out from this world. He’s brought you to the fringe. He’s sent you into the world to help it, not to be engrossed in it (1).

Don’t love the world or anything that belongs to the world. If you love the world, you cannot love the Father. Our foolish pride comes from this world, and so do our selfish desires and our desire to have everything we see. None of this comes from the Father. The world and the desires it causes are disappearing. But if we obey God, we will live forever.

1 John 2:15-17 CEV

Jesus had no place to lay His head (Luke 9:58). Of course, this doesn’t mean that He never slept lying down. It means He didn’t ever settle down as if this was His permanent home.

Sure – it’s okay to own a home and live in it. More important that where you live is how attached you are to your life in this world. It’s impossible to be completely satisfied with this world. If you try to find your life somewhere in the world, you will feel empty and disappointed.

But if you join Jesus at the fringe, you will find your life and you’ll be in good company. You can be on the fringe and not feel lonely.

If you’ve been engrossed in the world, it takes time to detach from it. At some point you have to let go of the world.

Have you ever lost something and become focused on finding it? What if you can’t find it? Eventually you have to move on. If you spend your life consumed with what you’ve lost, your life will be compromised. It won’t be all it could be.

Imagine what it feels like to let go of what you’ve lost and move on. That’s what you need to do with the world. The world isn’t as great as you thought it was. That’s good or bad depending upon how you look at it. If you can give up on finding your ultimate happiness in it, you’ll end up content and peaceful.

(1) https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/lets-revise-the-popular-phrase-in-but-not-of
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How To Live With Rejection

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Confidence is the antidote to rejection. It’s easy to think that confidence is only something other people can have. But you can have it too. The secret to confidence is to stop trying to be something you’re not.

Living with the excruciating pain of rejection is hard. Some people would rather be physically beaten than be emotionally beaten.

Does anyone in the world like you? Does anyone want to spend time getting to know you? Does anyone appreciate you? Does God? If you answer these questions “no” then you are living with the oppressive feeling of rejection.

Rejection, though it feels real, is more of an illusion than a reality, if you know Jesus. God knew you before you were born. Jesus redeemed you from all sin that separated you from God. God accepts you exactly as you are.

But this doesn’t mean you won’t struggle with rejection. You have experienced some rejection and you’ll experience some more. To gain confidence, you must learn to not care about the rejection that others direct your way.

Rejection can easily become a downward spiral. None of us knows who we are as much as God knows who we are. The more you’ve experienced rejection, the more you’ve probably gone into hiding. The more you are in hiding, the more people are rejecting the false you (because you are keeping the real you out of sight). But it will still feel like people are rejecting the real you, so you end up hurting more and hiding more.

There is no good reason for anyone to reject the best parts of you that come from God. Therefore, rejection has to do with being misunderstood rather than being defective. I would guess people with obvious disabilities experience this all the time in a much more direct way. How frustrating it is to be judged superficially. How frustrating to be judged instantly and only based on your performance in one moment rather than your potential.

How much have you become your own worst enemy? If you struggle with rejection, you struggle to understand who you really are. If you’ve stopped wanting to know the real you, it will be difficult for others to see you (as in “I see you” from the movie Avatar).

God sees your potential. Your potential comes from your heart, from who God made you to be. He sees you at your best even when you look your worst. You have the best qualities that God placed in you.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7 NLT

If you struggle with low self-worth, you might be quick to focus on the negative part of this verse. You might be thinking, “But God rejected Eliab, so that means He most likely rejects me.”

God has the right to choose whoever He wants for what He wants to accomplish. God can’t make everybody king. Just because you are rejected for one thing, doesn’t mean you are completely rejected. God will reject you for everything He doesn’t have planned for your life. But this also means He accepts you for all the good things He has planned.

So don’t worry so much about rejection. You’ll probably be rejected 99 times out of a 100. But it’s that 1 out of 100 that matters. You only need 1. Cling to the truth that God accepts you as you are, for the purposes He has for you. Ask God to help you understand your purpose and forget about what He hasn’t chosen you for.

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4 Signs You Were Neglected

4 Signs You Were Neglected

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Your parenting style probably says a lot about your emotional development. If you were neglected, you might overcompensate by overindulging your child. Or, because you lack internal resources, you might repeat your neglect with your child.

The lessons we learn as children are hard to forget. We might not have been able to prevent our own pain, but there is at least a chance we can help our children to avoid the same pain.

This can be an adaptive approach to life, as long as it doesn’t cross over into extremes. How will you know if you are overcompensating for your own childhood neglect? Here are four motivations to watch for:

1) You Were Neglected So You Spoil Your Child

Have you ever thought, “I want to give my kids what I never got”? It’s fine to want to improve upon your childhood. You might be able to provide a lot more than you ever received.

Overcompensating looks like attempting to prevent your child from ever lacking anything. Everybody needs to experience the reality of life’s difficulty at some point. You can allow your children to feel reality without neglecting them.

If you have thought, “I want to prove I can do better than my parents did,” you might be caught in unforgiveness. One thing you should know is that no amount of making your child feel better is going to heal your emptiness. Keep giving, but seek the attention you need for yourself.

2) You Were Neglected So You Can’t Tolerate Your Child’s Discomfort

Have you ever thought, “I don’t want to discipline my children because I don’t want to be mean”? Giving your child what they want instead of what they need might seem generous but it is actually selfish.

For example, your child might want more candy but need to eat healthily and brush his teeth. I remember how strange it felt to deny my child a treat. I believed my child wouldn’t be able to handle not receiving what seemed good.

Even if your giving is helpful for your child, it can’t do much for you. Giving to others feels good, but it can’t heal. Healthy giving usually happens the other way around. You can be a healthy giver after you learn how to receive what you need but didn’t get.

3) You Were Neglected So You Neglect Your Child

Have you ever thought, “I don’t know how to play with my child”? If you didn’t receive enough attention, giving to others is challenging.

One, you lack modeling. You might simply not have enough experience to know what is the right behavior. As you receive, it equips you to give to others.

Two, you need to feel your own desire to play before you can play with your child. Numbing yourself to your needs is one way to cope with neglect. But it gets in the way of connecting with your child.

4) You Were Neglected So You Make Your Child Your Top Priority

Have you ever thought, “My spouse can go without my attention, but my children can’t?”

Certainly, children need attention. The younger they are, the more they need it consistently. So there are times when a dependent child must be your top priority. But I am thinking of an all-or-nothing pattern.

Some parents find it extremely difficult to ever put their children lower in priority than their spouses. If you identify with being a child more than an adult, you could be susceptible to favoring your child. If your pain is great enough, you could even favor your child over your spouse without being aware of how unhealthy it is.

In all of the four examples, the driving motivation is the parent’s own emptiness. A need unfilled is an extremely powerful motivator. It is so strong it can convince parents to rationalize some outrageous behaviors, unfortunately.

Parenting is hard work and no parent is perfect. Even if you’ve done better than your parent, you probably fall short is some ways too. Fortunately, children are resilient, especially when God is working in their lives.

Since you were a child at one time, you are resilient too! Resilient doesn’t mean you can thrive without getting what you need, it means you won’t be able to easily give up on your desires. Your needs are preserved even through difficult times.

It is time to consider your needs. You can take care of yourself even if you were neglected.

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Brokenness Is Beautiful

Brokenness Is Beautiful

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When you can see your brokenness, you see yourself as you really are. It’s a wonderful moment of freedom from pretense. Seeing brokenness is simply another way to perceive what you are lacking.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 NIV

Since God is the ultimate source of all we lack, we should welcome becoming aware of our brokenness. Why is it often so terrifying then? Believe it or not, it’s possible to fear something good. We crave consistency. After we start depending on something or someone, we don’t want it to go away.

If we lack something good we can fear both:

  • that we’ll never receive what we need.
  • that what we receive will inevitably be taken away.

Both fears are realistic, yet, painful. Both are ultimately rooted in doubting God is who He says He is. God gives good things to those who believe and ask.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Hebrews 11:6; Matthew 7:11 NIV

Fear Makes Brokenness Ugly

So you can see how when fear is present, needs and desires can become completely overwhelming. If you’ve lived with deprivation for a long time, you know what I mean.

If your needs go unmet, you lose touch with what it’s like to have them met. Often this means living with an awareness that you don’t know what it is like to have them met. The longer this continues, the more difficult it is to trust it will ever be different. And, if it does happen, it will be doubly painful to lose it.

Anyone who experiences the trauma of abuse or neglect usually lives with a sense of deprivation. Abuse and neglect break trust which is essential if you want to risk the vulnerability required to have your needs met. Deprivation can be so painful that it is often more intense than the original trauma.

Coping Forever Prevents Healing

Depriving yourself for any length of time usually requires numbing your desires. If you can’t feel your hunger (emotional needs), it’s nearly impossible to over-eat (be self-centered). Unfortunately though, it is possible to under-eat (be deprived).

Cutting off your cravings for love and acceptance is a coping mechanism called dissociation. I believe dissociation to be a necessary coping to manage intense trauma. However, all coping is meant to be temporary until genuine healing and transformation are available and the person is ready.

How much a person relies on coping depends on at least two factors:

  • The intensity of the pain experienced from trauma.
  • The availability of a safe-enough relationship that promotes healing.

The intensity of the pain is mostly subjective. Some people can tolerate more pain than others. But the more the event is severe enough and prolonged enough, and if the person doesn’t have access to a caring person, the more extreme coping is needed.

One of the most intense efforts to cope with trauma is dissociation. When it becomes a mental health disorder it’s called dissociative-identity-disorder (DID).

For a person with DID, their self-awareness becomes divided into multiple parts in order to survive trauma. Therapy involves integrating the parts so that all parts receive needed healing. The end result is a person with a sense of being one integrated person (no longer needing “multiple parts”).

Another word for dissociated is broken. Everyone is broken. On this side of heaven, the opposite of being broken is being in denial. Meaning: if I can’t see my brokenness, I must be denying it.

Embrace your brokenness because it is what will drive you to God. He can help you become free from the trauma and deprivation you’ve been through.

Push Through Fear And Find Hope
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Know Your Priorities To Increase Life Satisfaction

Know Your Priorities To Increase Life Satisfaction

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Reading time: 4 minutes

What good are priorities? They:

  • Prevent aimless wandering through life.
  • Provide a focus for the energy God gives you.
  • Enable a meaningful way to resolve conflict.

If you don’t know what you want, life becomes an exercise in trial-and-error. That’s not necessarily bad the younger you are. But over the years, you should develop a greater sense of what life is about.

If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.

Lewis Carroll

When you finally know what you value, you can aim your life in a specific direction. Then, the bonus side-effect of having priorities is an unshakable hope. Before you can experience the fullness of hope, you have to learn how to prioritize.

Priorities Reduce Painful Mistakes

Have you ever walked through a room at night without the lights on? If so, you know what it feels like when your toe connects with an object you thought wasn’t there. Figuratively speaking, it’s also possible to be walking through life without the light.

Priorities are like a window that exposes the desires of your heart. You can see what is going on inside your soul. When your priorities are right you are walking in the light. That’s what Jesus is saying in Matthew 6:

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

Matthew 6:19-23 ESV

Priorities are values which naturally lead to specific goals. For example, if you value time with family, you might set a goal to increase your time together each week. If your values are really yours (not someone else’s imposed on you), you will be more likely to reach the goal you’ve set.

Values can be superficial, or meaningful and deeply fulfilling. For example, if you value money (prioritizing it above other things), that can be superficial if you store it up and never accomplish anything meaningful from it. But your value of money can also be fulfilling and lead to savings which can be used for good in a time of need.

Priorities Provide A Path To Contentment

After you know what you want, the next step is to learn how to be okay with not getting what you want.

As you mature emotionally and spiritually, your ability to manage life’s difficulties become easier. For example, if you believe you need to go on a vacation at a specific time and place in order to feel happy, and circumstances prevent it, you’ll have a hard time not feeling depressed or angry.

Fortunately, you can “trade up” your values. You can learn to value more than just what will provide an immediate reward. Like Paul, you can learn to be content in all circumstances.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

Isn’t it amazing how Paul can essentially be indifferent about whether he has little or an abundance?

It’s good to learn this skill. You can’t fully learn contentment without developing a greater trust in God. How much do you believe that what He provides for you is sufficient under all circumstances? Ask Him to bless you with this ability.

Life satisfaction is really about joy. When you are joyful, you can be indifferent about your circumstances. The truth that God is real and He rewards those who pursue Him is enough to keep the joy flowing in your heart. Ask God to give you a supernatural understanding of how real He is.

Read more on resolving conflict.
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Emotions Are Never Sinful

Emotions Are Never Sinful

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Emotions can reveal sin but they never stand alone as the source of sin. Emotions can lead someone to desire to sin but there is nothing wrong with feeling them. Emotions are messengers. You’ve heard the phrase, “don’t shoot the messenger,” right? A messenger can bring good or bad news, and you should welcome both, as long as the message contains no lies.

Emotions Are To The Heart As An Instrument Panel Is To The Plane

A pilot needs to know the plane’s altitude, airspeed, and direction. The pilot could look out the window to gauge these values, but the plane’s instrument panel, if it is working correctly, will be more accurate. Knowing that your plane is 400 feet off the ground, traveling at 200 MPH, and pointed toward the ground wouldn’t be good news, but it would certainly be helpful to know.

Emotions Are To The Heart As Smoke Is To Fire

Emotions are a byproduct of the heart. Your heart (the core of your life) is the source of all your emotions. Your emotions provide a window into the condition of your heart.

Smoke depends on burning material. Without fire, there would be no smoke. It’s possible to observe or collect smoke only when material burns. Smoke is a byproduct of burning material.

Your heart is the source of your emotions like fire is the source of smoke. Emotions come from your heart to bring you a message. If your heart is well, your emotions will be too. But if your heart is sick, you will feel negative emotions (unless you work to suppress them).

Jesus talked about false laws (such as ceremonial washing) that cannot defile us. He made a point that evils deeds start in the heart.

Peter replied, “What did you mean when you talked about the things that make people unclean?” Jesus then said: Don’t any of you know what I am talking about by now? Don’t you know that the food you put into your mouth goes into your stomach and then out of your body? But the words that come out of your mouth come from your heart. And they are what make you unfit to worship God. Out of your heart come evil thoughts, murder, unfaithfulness in marriage, vulgar deeds, stealing, telling lies, and insulting others. These are what make you unclean. Eating without washing your hands will not make you unfit to worship God.

Matthew 15:15-20 CEV

Will And Behavior Can Be Sinful But Never Emotions

Emotions indicate the status of your heart. The “bad news” you receive from your heart can be painful. But it’s only what you decide (with your will) to do (your behavior) with the pain that can be sinful.

The choices you make, whether in your heart, mind, or body, can be sinful. You can hold onto bitterness (heart) without acting on it. You can think vengeful thoughts (mind) without acting on them. You can strike someone with the intent to harm (body). All three of these are sins, but what about feeling angry? Is it sinful?

If you hold onto anger it becomes sinful but the original impulse is only a neutral indicator. What will you do with your anger? Welcome your angry feeling so you can better understand the condition of your heart.

Thinking of anger (or other emotions) as sinful can lead to suppressing it instead of understanding and addressing it. The reasoning goes like this: Anger is sinful. I’m angry. I need to get rid of the anger. I’ll ignore it. Now that I don’t feel angry, I’m no longer sinful. While this avoids a sinful outburst for the moment, unless the source issue of the heart is addressed, the anger will surface at a later time and likely cause even greater destruction.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

To guard your heart try this reasoning: Anger is an indicator. I’m angry. I want to understand what is happening in my heart. I know when I address the pain in my heart, I won’t feel angry anymore.

More thoughts on feelings by Matt. And, some more.
Emotions are a gauge, not a guide.
Is anger sinful?
Picture colored by Matt!