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Overcome Resistance To Complete Your Training

Overcome Resistance To Complete Your Training

October 2, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

In order to complete a transformative journey, you first need to overcome your resistance to asking for help. This post describes step 1 of 4 of the transformative journey.

Often, life must become unmanageable or unbearable in some way before a person will be willing to seek help. There is a saying, “Only when the pain of remaining the same is worse than the pain of changing, will someone make the effort to change.”

You can let your pain build until it reaches such a critical level that you suffer a catastrophic breakdown. If you want to avoid this and move forward in your life, don’t make the following three mistakes.

Mistake #1: Fail to Overcome Resistance by Ignoring Problems

When a person is in denial they will attempt to cope with their problems so they can remain self-sufficient. Coping attempts to minimize the pain instead of eliminate the pain. Most people think of a problem as a negative event, but a lack of a positive event can also be a problem.

In Star Wars, Luke’s problem was more than the fact that he wasn’t happy as a farmer. He also wasn’t happy because he wasn’t able to pursue using his gifts for an even greater good. Helping his aunt and uncle was good, but helping to destroy the death star was far better.

There is a path before each person that seems right,
    but it ends in death.

Proverbs 14:12 NLT

Are you on a path that seems good, but it is really leading you nowhere?

Mistake #2: Fail to Overcome Resistance by Clinging to Selfish Goals

When a person believes lies (such as “I’m worthless”), they lack the insight to look beyond their own circumstances. A person who clings to their selfish goals will fail to overcome problems and will experience painful loss.

Luke wants to fight the empire but he can’t see past his obligation to help his uncle. He does what seems right until fate brings serious trouble to his doorstep.

A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions.
    The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.

Proverbs 22:3 NLT

Are you pressing ahead just because you want to or because it seems to be the safest route, despite some sense of looming consequences?

Mistake #3: Fail to Overcome Resistance by Refusing Help

The foolish person will refuse help even while they are suffering. Fear can stop many a dream from becoming reality.

Luke knows the rebels need help defeating the empire. Obi-Wan asks Luke to join him and offers to train him. Luke isn’t ready yet to leave home. He uses the excuse that he can’t get involved because he has work to do.

Fools think they know what is best,
    but a sensible person listens to advice.

Proverbs 12:15 CEV

But when he finds that the empire is looking for his droids, he realizes that his aunt and uncle are in danger. Only when he is faced with their death does he have nothing left to prevent him from accepting Obi-Wan’s offer.

This logic might look like I’m saying that a young adult should always put their own ambitions ahead of their parent’s counsel. There might be more times that it is prudent to follow your parents. But in this case, the parents are the ones holding their child back from what is better–meaning what is better for God’s kingdom.

If you love your father or mother or even your sons and daughters more than me, you are not fit to be my disciples.

Matthew 10:37 CEV

So then, consider if there is anything you are refusing to do that would benefit God’s kingdom more than what you are already doing. What help do you need to overcome your resistance and make it happen? Who has already been offering their help? Ask God for wisdom and understanding so you can see your best path forward without serious consequences, if possible.

Photo by form PxHere

Filed Under: God's Kingdom, Abuse and Neglect, Boundaries, Identity Tagged With: denial, lies, pride

Good Enough Is Perfect

Good Enough Is Perfect

September 18, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

When is enough, enough?

A project does not need to be 100% complete or even 90% to earn the title “good enough.” Good enough happens around 80%–the point of diminishing returns where additional effort is usually not worth it.

In a world where you can’t accomplish everything you want to, good enough is perfect.

An Optimal Return Is Good Enough

Imagine your friend asking you to sit and talk and with her. She will probably be pleased even if you do nothing else. But what will happen if you talk, bring her an expensive gift, and neglect to pay your electric bill? At best you have a happy friend and no power at home. If your friend finds out you neglected your responsibilities to give her something she didn’t want or need, your relationship will likely become awkward. A happy, giftless friend is better than having your electricity shut off and your friend no happier.

Maybe though, you will feel happier giving a gift than paying your bill? While that is possible, it doesn’t seem wise. If that sounds appealing, mostly like you are self-deceived. Consider exploring your motivation for the gift. Are you avoiding something negative (feeling guilty or inadequate) or trying to force something positive (make your friend indebted to you)? You might be happy immediately, but you won’t be happy when the food in your refrigerator spoils or you have no hot water.

Two good enough outcomes are better than one great and one poor outcome.

A Fulfilled Priority Is Good Enough

You have four hours to clean your home and visit with your friend. You could tell your friend you are busy and spend all four hours cleaning. You could skip cleaning and spend all your time with your friend. But maybe cleaning for two hours will clean 80% of the mess. Then you have two hours to spend with your friend.

You can accomplish more if you can prioritize and accept good enough.

You Are Good Enough

You are better off with fewer possessions or worldly accomplishments if it means you are placing your trust in God even more. Allow God to motivate you instead of feelings of guilt or inadaquacy. Choose peace over anxiety, enjoyment over striving.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:3-4 NIV

Better Than Good Enough Is Costly

Going beyond good enough is an expression of our longing for perfection. God made us to desire good things. When we experience negatives, we can attempt to reclaim perfection, but it is costly.

Appearing generous to your friends or having a spotless home can feel amazing at the moment. But think about this: what is the opportunity cost? What are you giving up in order to briefly have something exactly the way you want it? Fulfilling this desire for perfection is not necessary to be content.

We have a “profit” that is greater than theirs—our holy awe of God! To have merely our necessities is to have enough. Isn’t it true that our hands were empty when we came into the world, and when we leave this world our hands will be empty again? Because of this, food and clothing is enough to make us content. But those who crave the wealth of this world slip into spiritual snares. They become trapped by the troubles that come through their foolish and harmful desires, driven by greed and drowning in their own sinful pleasures. And they take others down with them into their corruption and eventual destruction.

1 Timothy 6:6–9 TPT

Good enough gets the job done and leaves energy for many other activities that matter to you. Where have you been unnecessarily wasteful in your life? How can you aim for less but end up with more? Look for inefficiencies in your motivations. You don’t need to exhaust yourself chasing after empty promises. What can you accomplish that is important to you and to God if you could only accept good enough in other areas of your life?

More on Priorities.
More on contentment.
Photo by Katerina Holmes from Pexels

Filed Under: Boundaries, Identity, Self-Image Tagged With: contentment, priorities

How do I Realize My Identity?

August 24, 2018 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 2 minutes

When life is a struggle, sometimes we wrestle with ourselves, sometimes with our circumstances, and sometimes we wrestle with God.

I wonder what challenge your facing that is causing you to want to realize your identity. Whatever the challenge is, I suggest you face it head-on. As you wrestle with it, you’ll learn more about who you are. Jacob wrestled with God and God ended up changing his name.

 And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him.

—Genesis 32:24-29

To understand your identity, you should also consider your worldview. What is your relationship to everything else besides you? Look at where you fit in comparison to everything else.

Considering your likes and dislikes is good. Considering what others see is also good. But there’s more. What brings deep satisfaction and meaning to you?

To realize your identity, enter into the following cycle:

  1. Define yourself as best as you can. Who are you?
  2. Live life. Experiment. Try something new.
  3. Define your worldview. Where are you?
  4. Define your purpose. Why are you here?
  5. Define your goals. What do you want to accomplish next?
  6. Focus on what is most meaningful to you for a while.
  7. Return to step 1 and repeat.

Filed Under: Identity, Boundaries Tagged With: goals, meaning, purpose, struggle, worldview

How to Climb High (Without Falling)

February 16, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 4 minutes

I’m not afraid of heights (at least not as much as I used to be). But I’m not fearless either. A few years ago, my wife and I decided to paint the exterior of our house. It’s a tri-level. Not only that, but one section has a sunken patio.

I was fine with 8′ ladders, but this job required a 25′ ladder. At first, I was scared to go much beyond the 8′. By the end of the project, I was climbing all the way to the top. I found a healthy balance between too-afraid-to-climb and too-fearless-to-prevent-accidents.

Perfectionism is completing a task with a greater amount of energy or effort than is needed to meet the task’s objectives, in a way that leaves other areas of life lacking needed attention. Unchecked perfectionism creates an imbalanced life that can produce significant deficiencies.

Procrastination is different but can be related. You could spend an extra 2 hours cleaning your car because it allows you to delay an undesirable task (such as apologizing to your spouse).

The pure perfectionist finds satisfaction in the cleaning (for example) while not necessarily avoiding something else. Instead, the perfectionist seeks perfection to satisfy their desire for perfection. Sounds perfectly logical, doesn’t it?

The desire for perfection is okay. Nothing wrong there. Perfectionism becomes a “sickness” when it becomes obsessive or irrational. No person can hide that all of creation is under a curse–but that’s what a perfectionist tries to do. The time spent to bring order to one area of life means another area will suffer. When the effort becomes out of balance, life can become out of balance.

We took four months to paint our house. We kept up with our normal everyday tasks, but we cut out the non-essentials. I don’t think we could have shaved more time off of the project. I certainly didn’t want to have to paint it again. But I admit I’m somewhat of a perfectionist.

A desire for excellence is different but can be related. If perfectionism is over-compensating, then its opposite, negligence, is under-compensating. Both miss the mark. A perfectionist might call the negligent person “lazy.” Perhaps the lazy person has more fun?

The perfectionist doesn’t give up soon enough. The lazy person gives up too quickly. Somewhere in the middle is the pursuit of excellence. But even then the pursuit of excellence at some point must surrender to “it’s good enough for our purposes.” Every once in a while the perfectionist should ask, “Is there something more important I could be doing with my time? Has another task worked its way up to the top of my priority list?” Actually, those are the same questions a “lazy” person should ask, too. Although, I suspect they’d answer differently.

Perfectionism can also be expecting a higher standard than is necessary or possible at any given moment. The cost of missing the mark can be high.

The core questions are, “When is enough, enough?” and “When is not enough, not enough?” These are actually best left as deeply personal (subjective) questions. Keep in mind that all behavior (including lack of behavior) has consequences. Just because you’re fine showing up for work 30 minutes late most days, doesn’t mean you’re employer will agree.

Just because you’re fine to keep on sinning and pursue your own way of life, doesn’t mean God approves. God expects you to be perfect (holy), but He also provides the help you need to get there, which includes His infinitely loving patience. Thank God He is a lover of excellence and not a ruthless demander of instant perfection.

God’s love both accepts us as we are and motivates us to reach our full potential. Love wouldn’t be love without both. God sets the standard as high as Himself but then provides the ladder you need to reach it.

An unhealthy person might:

  • go for perfect foot placement on each rung and never reach the top.
  • climb all the way to the top but extend beyond the ladder too far and fall off in the process.
  • worry about how high the ladder goes and never start climbing.
  • look with hatred or mistrust at the person holding the ladder and walk away.
  • freeze during the climb, unable to continue up or down.
  • climb part of the way and jump off because the jumping is fun.
  • climb part of the way and fall off because climbing requires letting go of things considered to be too important.

Of course, I think you know the correct way to climb:

  • trust the ladder holder.
  • don’t look down.
  • don’t climb too fast or too slow.
  • focus on the ladder holder, not how high you have to go.
  • when the time is right, drop the heavy stuff that you don’t need anymore.
  • don’t wait until you are fearless to start climbing.

Filed Under: Spiritual Formation, Boundaries, Identity Tagged With: faith, fear

Sexual Abuse Devastates Identity

May 7, 2018 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: <1 minutes

I wrote an article for Darlene Harris, creator of And He Restoreth My Soul Project. Her goal is to provide healing resources for those caught in the crossfire of abuse.

If you suffer from the effects of abuse or know someone who does, this article explains the emotional and spiritual struggles of abuse and offers steps for recovery. Read Part I: Sexual Abuse Recovery From a Christian Perspective. Part II will be posted on May 14.

Filed Under: Abuse and Neglect, Boundaries, Healing, Identity Tagged With: suffering

How To Know When To Say No

August 15, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

You might be more of a people pleaser than you realize. When you are presented with a decision, how often do you discount your opinion with something like, “I can go either way” or “It doesn’t matter to me; you pick”? Or, maybe you disregard your opinion with a “Yes” without considering what you want.

Certainly, there will be times when you are indifferent. Even during these times, it’s nearly always a good idea to know what you want, even if you give up what you want for someone else.

A quick response of indifference might involve the least amount of effort, but it can cost you significantly more later on. Instead, what if you invested the time to know what you want?

The less you know yourself, the harder it is to give a clear, direct answer to even a simple question. When you know yourself well, your answer will be second nature.

You might be wondering, “How do I get to know myself?” There are two main approaches to strengthening your self-image. You can remain reactive or go proactive.

  1. In reactive mode, you stumble through life and only give consideration to your ways when it becomes absolutely required of you (if ever).
  2. In proactive mode, you consider your ways every chance you get. You explore your past and use what you learn to better your future. You take advantage of the fact that God gives you truth about life, including details about who you are.

A step in-between the two modes is trial and error. You essentially try something blindly. Then perhaps as an afterthought, you evaluate the outcome. It’s not completely reactive or proactive.

The superior approach is having an awareness of who you are. Then during any given moment, you can proactively choose how to act based on what you know about yourself. God wants you to live a self-examined life (see Haggai 1).

Essential to every approach is what you do with your experiences. God gives you a process to discover your identity (who you are as defined by God). The goal is to increase the awareness of your identity so that decisions become easier over time.

If you have trouble people-pleasing or making good decisions, that’s usually because you don’t know yourself well enough. Learning who you are can occur “on accident,” but knowing yourself will take much longer that way.

Instead, take the time to evaluate your experiences and weed out the lies that are growing in the garden of your self-image. With the clutter of lies cleared away, you’ll know more clearly whether you want to say yes or no.

For example: if you don’t know who you are very well, then you might end up with an over-booked schedule. You’ll wonder why you are tired and irritable. If you continue to ignore your God-given identity, you’ll assume you are doing what God wants you to be doing because you are serving others.

In contrast, with healthy boundaries that come from a healthy identity, you’ll be confident about where to draw the line. You can say yes to some activities and no to others without feeling guilty or overwhelmed.

Some things God requires of you. You should feel motivated to do right and not wrong. But actually, most things are up to you. God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7). You can decide to go for a walk or stay home. You can decide to visit a friend or be by yourself. For these decisions, you must trust that God gives you enough intelligence to choose.

You can know what to choose by determining what level of self-care you need at any given moment. Then weigh that against the needs of others around you.

You might be surprised at your preferences when you discover them, but they are never a surprise to God. God knows what you will choose before you choose it. Trust that God gave you a built-in preference system–that’s your identity.

Image by Jan Vašek from Pixabay

Filed Under: Identity, Boundaries, Self-Care, Self-Image Tagged With: self-worth

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