Marriage

Repentence – The Other Side of Forgiveness

July 18, 2010 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 2 minutes

Repentence + Forgiveness = Reconciliation

While the offended forgives, the offender repents. This is the only way to fully reconcile a relationship. Repentence does involve behavior change, but it must include more to be genuine. True repentence is an inward act by which we open our heart to God, so God can change it. A person can say, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” But, it could be only, “I’m sorry I got caught.” There is a difference between Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. 2 Corinthians 7:10 says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

The Pain of an Inward Look

Looking inward is a necessary but uncomfortable part of repentence. Pride that shields our heart must be confronted and broken. Genuine repentence will result in us wanting to be good, not only acting good. We cannot be good on our own, but this is where God’s grace is needed. God is faithful to us to bring about circumstances that are intense enough to dismantle our defenses. And He does this in a way that preserves us – so we remain in relationship. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted…”

Reflections

Truly it is an evil to be full of faults, but it is a still greater evil to be full of them, and be unwilling to recognize them.
– Blaise Pascal

Christ accepts us as we are, but when He accepts us, we cannot remain as we are.
– Walter Tobisch

The stance of openness to receive is what I call the “catch” to grace. It must be received, and the Christian term for that act is repentence, the doorway to grace.
– Phillip Yancy

Resources

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compeling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer (Psalm 51:1-6)
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Continue reading on Bible Gateway

Is there anything you need to bring to God so He can clean your heart?

The 4 Steps to Growing a Fruitful Marriage

February 14, 2015 by Matt Pavlik 4 Comments

Reading time: 1 minutes

You are probably thinking, “Awesome! Only four steps! I can be done next week.” But God made marriage to last a lifetime for a reason. The steps I am about to show you are real steps that we all go through at one time or another. But first, read Matthew 13:3-9.

Jesus uses the Parable of the Sower to speak about our receptivity to God’s words. Let’s consider how the parable also applies to marriage. The four types of soil in the parable match up with four types of relationships. From least to most desirable, these are Path, Rocks, Thorns, and Good Soil. The typical inexperienced couple begins as either Conflicted or Careless. Along the way, every couple experiences being Conflicted, Careless, and Choking before making it to Cooperating.

The Conflicted Couple needs to learn how to experience a basic positive connection. The Careless Couple needs to experience and resolve conflict to build endurance. The Choking Couple needs to find a deeper enjoyment amidst the busyness of life. The Cooperating Couple needs to refine and maintain what they’ve accomplished so far.

As no person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. No matter which soil condition most closely describes your relationship, you can decide to grow a godly marriage by cultivating the path, clearing out the rocks, pulling out the thorns, and planting in the good soil. When you do this, you will be well on your way to yielding fruit one hundred times what was sown.

Genuine Rest Keeps Your Marriage Afloat

June 27, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

You can’t rest if you’re treading water. If you have become too tired in life or in your marriage, you might need to swim to shore. I like analogies. They’re fun to work with because they can teach an abstract idea through a concrete picture.

I sometimes use swimming as an analogy for how to develop a healthy relationship. Water isn’t a human’s natural habitat. We were born out of water and into the air. No one can last but a few minutes underwater without needing to replenish their air supply. No one can tread water forever.

Without Rest You Won’t Last Long

Swimming takes an enormous amount of energy. Relationships do too. No one will last long if they try to make it through life alone. We need other people in our lives; we especially need God.

Imagine you are swimming in an ocean with your spouse. You can’t touch the bottom. You can’t see the shore. It won’t take long for you to become too tired to remain afloat. All you can do is tread water.

If you become tired and start to go under, you would naturally reach out for something or someone to help you keep your head above water. If the person you are with is also tired, grabbing onto them probably won’t help much, at least not for very long. It’s possible it could even accelerate the problem.

A desperate person will attempt to cling to whatever is in from of them. When you cling to your spouse in a panic, you might end up pulling them under with you. Clinging to your spouse only creates a false sense of hope. If you’re both tired, you’re better off keeping your distance. Unfortunately, when you are caught up in the emotions of a relationship, it’s difficult to be aware of how dependent you are and the subsequent danger.

An Abundance Of Rest Can Keep You Strong

Thank God that we weren’t meant to experience life alone. An individual can have family and friends. But, more importantly, each of us can rely on God to keep us afloat. Each person in a marriage needs to learn how to swim independent of the other, but sustained by God at the same time. To continue the analogy, God would be like a large rock sticking up out of the ocean. If you become tired, you could take a break by resting on the rock, instead of attempting to rest on your spouse.

Psalm 62 doesn’t mention swimming, but it certainly points out that God is the only true place of rest and security:

Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
Psalm 62:1-2 NIV

God rescues us from our failing self-effort. He is the only true place of rest, energy, and strength. Because everyone else is treading water too, there’s no guarantee they will be reliable. Only God the rock is resting on the ocean floor. He is the only safe place that guarantees you will never drown.

Psalm 62 ends by saying that God is powerful and kind. Cling hard to God whenever life circumstances toss you around like ocean waves. If a marriage is failing, the primary reason is usually because one or both people try to cling harder to their spouse (or someone other than their spouse) than they try to cling to God.

God means for husband and wife to cling to each other too. A lifeguard doesn’t spend all their time in the water. They keep watch over swimmers from the shore. You can be there for your spouse, at least in short bursts of energy, if you’ve had sufficient rest on the rock.

Finish reading Psalm 62.
Read more about finding rest.
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Repair Trust Through Repeated Testing

April 18, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 4 minutes

When you search for trust quotes you will find many popular ones. I’ve chosen two quotes to illustrate the best way to repair trust. The first quote is more helpful than the other because it is balanced and therefore more emotionally healthy.

Trust but verify.
Ronald Reagan

At first glance, you might think the “verify” part cancels the “trust” part. But, when you verify something, you test it to make sure it is doing what it claims to be doing. The more you test and determine its claims are valid, the more your trust will increase. The opposite is true, too. The more you find that the claims are false, the less you will trust.

The more you verify claims as upheld, the more you will trust. Then, after a certain amount of trust develops, you reach the point where it becomes akward and unnecessary to continue to verify so frequently.

Reputation Can Destroy Trust

Unfortunately, it’s possible to have tested encounters with other people and developed a general lack of trust. Instead of “Trust but verify,” your motto might be “Distrust and always verify” or even “Never trust again.” Broken trust can be so destructive that the people in your life today can pay for the lack of trustworthiness of the people from your past. If this sounds like you, then you might appreciate this second quote:

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.
Unknown

This quote makes a good point (that trust doesn’t automatically repair with only time) but it comes at the cost of being overly pessimistic. More accurate is: Trust requires integrity to build and it can be repaired with repentance. It is relatively easy for two motivated people to restore confidence in each other. It doesn’t have to take forever.

More than likely the person who came up with the forever-to-repair quote is dealing with a person who either refuses to repent or at least isn’t very good at it. If you’ve been burned a lot, trust won’t be easy. Trust shouldn’t be cheap. Trust should be given to people who prove themselves to be trustworthy. Verifying someone is trustworthy keeps them accountable. It’s part of the trust-building process.

A Swing Can Help You Repair Trust

Imagine you are visiting a friend’s house and they invite you to play on their swing. You generally trust your friend, but the swing looks rickety. Do you:

(a) Sit down with your full weight and swing as high as you can?
(b) Refuse to play on the swing?
(c) Attack your friend for suggesting that you use a broken swing?
(d) Gingerly sit down with half your weight?

Depending on your risk tolerance, you might be comfortable with any of the above. However, the best answer, at least with respect to trust, is (d). The other three have definite flaws. (a) could result in a serious injury. (b) communicates distrust and a lack of interest in pursuing trust. (c) communicates disrespect. (d) is superior because it pursues trust but it also attempts to verify your friend’s claims.

Option (d) works best because it is God’s definition of trust. A loving person is always willing to forgive, giving others the benefit of the doubt. That’s possible when the person sees the good, redeeming qualities in the other. Although waiting for a person to get their life in order can be painful and even take a long time, whatever makes them awesome is worth the wait.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

Trusting, or having confidence in another person, means you believe in them and therefore you’re never going to give up on them. Because God is love, this means God will never give up on you! He will keep testing you to improve your integrity (James 1:2-4).

Headship And Submission Are The Big Guns

September 20, 2020 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

If you’ve ever been in an argument, you know it can escalate quickly. Before long you both can resort to bringing out the big guns–meant to finally win the battle. If you find yourself using the biblical roles of headship and submission to make your point, realize that you could be using the nuclear option.

Demanding that your spouse submit or sacrifice for you isn’t a healthy way to resolve conflict.

Some conversations attempting to resolve conflict are messy arguments and some are civil discussions. Sometimes an honest discussion can be heated, and that’s okay, provided you know how to repair any collateral damage.

All healthy discussions need to be based in reality. There is no perfect wife and there is no perfect husband. The Bible sets the bar high for how to treat your spouse, but God doesn’t intend for anyone to “weaponize” the scriptures.

God commands the husband to lay down his life and the wife to submit, both in service to the common good. The command comes from God. It doesn’t work when it comes from your spouse.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5:22-27 NIV

Healthy Headship and Submission Preserve Unity

Headship and submission allow a marriage to work. They are needed to find the way out of a stalemate (no pun intended). They are really meant to be a last resort to preserve the unity in your marriage.

You can resolve a large majority of conflict by using good communication skills. If you have good communication, you shouldn’t have to mention the words headship or submission. If you can’t resolve most of your issues with a win-win result, you have a different problem. Playing the “you’re supposed to submit” or “you’re supposed to sacrifice” card won’t help you find a win-win.

Healthy Headship and Submission Avoid Sin

If your issue isn’t life or death, then likely you don’t have to make an immediate decision one way or the other. Instead, move forward when you both have peace. God cares more about how you get along than whether you decide to buy a new car or not.

For a wife, there’s a difference between submitting to your husband’s healthy ideas and his sin. For example, God doesn’t require a wife to submit to a husband who wants to rob a bank. The same applies to a husband and his sacrifice. God didn’t want Adam to follow Eve into her sin.

You sacrifice or submit when your spouse has reached their limits. When your spouse’s maturity level blocks the conflict resolution, you yield out of compassion for them. You bear the consequences of their sin, forgiving them.

This requires healthy discernment. Both husband and wife should be committed to growth, but God allows you to yield to your spouse when their distress is too high.

Healthy Headship and Submission Encourage Equality

It would be wrong to give in to your spouse all the time just because of God’s command to you. Promoting ongoing selfishness in each other is its own sin. You will reach peak marital satisfaction when you are both happy most of the time. It’s okay to get your way some of the time. But you might also need to hear that it’s okay to not get your way some of the time.

However you resolve your conflict, it’s important that you return as quickly as possible to the sense that you are equals. Headship (love) and submission (respect) give you the opportunity to meet some of your spouse’s deepest emotional needs.

Image by Michael Drummond from Pixabay

Why There Are So Many Perspectives

October 28, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 1 minutes

If ten people see a car accident, all ten of them will have a different eye-witness report.

If five people interpret a Bible verse, all five of them will have a different opinion of its meaning.

A husband and a wife will have very different ways to recall the same event.

Why are there so many different perspectives?

Most of the time people interpret life based on their investment. By investment, I mean their convictions—their worldview. A person who has been bitten by a dog will make an investment to avoid dogs. Or maybe they will focus on finding a cure for angry dogs. A parent whose child experiences a serious injury because of a malfunctioning car seat will all of a sudden become interested in how car seats need improving. Or perhaps in an extreme case, they will refuse to let their child ride in a car.

One way to find out what someone really believes is to witness them in a heated argument. The more agitated a person becomes, the more likely they will bypass their filter and speak their raw truth. Their words may or may not be accurate, but how the person feels will come across much clearer.

If (or maybe I should say when) you’re struggling to communicate with another person, the first step should be to gain understanding. Why do they not want a dog? Why do they insist on paying extra for premium safety features? When you understand a person’s investment, you’re well on your way to negotiating a solution to your heated argument.