Christian Concepts

Bringing your Potential to Light

Identity in Christ

The Paradox of Humility

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No one can claim they are the humblest person in the world with much credibility. But those of us who struggle with self-worth know that confidence is equally elusive.

Somehow though, confidence and humility are the same thing. If you are confident (but not arrogant), you’ll also be humble. And if you’re humble (but not engaging in false humility), you’ll also be confident.

Doesn’t that seem strange that appropriate confidence, the kind God wants us to have, is also a way to express humility? I mean strange in the sense that confident probably isn’t the first word that comes to mind when you think of humility. But how could it be any other way?

God who is all powerful clothed Himself with humanity. If there is a paradox, Jesus represents it perfectly.

To be strong doesn’t mean to be closed or unreachable. God’s strength is approachable. Jesus’s birth offers us the greatest hope possible.

We are creatures of habit. Once we know how to do something, we go on autopilot.

If you’ve ever experienced a negative, false belief about yourself, you know firsthand the intense struggle that is required to put off the false and put on the truth.

You can’t have confidence and humility without also having peace and joy.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

In your quest to become more confident and humble, remember that it feels like peace, joy, and rest. I bless you now with rest for your soul. Amen.

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Surviving On The Fringe

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Are you on the fringe? Fringe means “to be on the outskirts.” That can be good or bad depending upon what it at the center.

Last week I wrote about feeling on the outskirts of God and what He is doing in the world. But what if we flip that around and define fringe as being on the outskirts of what the world is doing? Then being on the fringe would be a good thing.

Jesus lived on the fringe while He was on earth. The leaders at the time expected Him to join them in their agenda. But Jesus certainly lived as if not engrossed in the world:

What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

1 Corinthians 7:29-31 NIV

If you find yourself depressed and anxious about what is happening in the world, maybe you are too deeply engrossed? What is too engrossed? This means living as if this life is all there is. If it were all there is, you’d have to put your full hope in it. You’d have no other choice.

If you are holding too tightly to this world, you’re going to feel discouraged. You’re going to be worried because this world in its present form is passing away. But, there is another option besides hoping in this world.

If you are in Christ, you are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). God has separated you out from this world. He’s brought you to the fringe. He’s sent you into the world to help it, not to be engrossed in it (1).

Don’t love the world or anything that belongs to the world. If you love the world, you cannot love the Father. Our foolish pride comes from this world, and so do our selfish desires and our desire to have everything we see. None of this comes from the Father. The world and the desires it causes are disappearing. But if we obey God, we will live forever.

1 John 2:15-17 CEV

Jesus had no place to lay His head (Luke 9:58). Of course, this doesn’t mean that He never slept lying down. It means He didn’t ever settle down as if this was His permanent home.

Sure – it’s okay to own a home and live in it. More important that where you live is how attached you are to your life in this world. It’s impossible to be completely satisfied with this world. If you try to find your life somewhere in the world, you will feel empty and disappointed.

But if you join Jesus at the fringe, you will find your life and you’ll be in good company. You can be on the fringe and not feel lonely.

If you’ve been engrossed in the world, it takes time to detach from it. At some point you have to let go of the world.

Have you ever lost something and become focused on finding it? What if you can’t find it? Eventually you have to move on. If you spend your life consumed with what you’ve lost, your life will be compromised. It won’t be all it could be.

Imagine what it feels like to let go of what you’ve lost and move on. That’s what you need to do with the world. The world isn’t as great as you thought it was. That’s good or bad depending upon how you look at it. If you can give up on finding your ultimate happiness in it, you’ll end up content and peaceful.

(1) https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/lets-revise-the-popular-phrase-in-but-not-of
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How To Live With Rejection

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Confidence is the antidote to rejection. It’s easy to think that confidence is only something other people can have. But you can have it too. The secret to confidence is to stop trying to be something you’re not.

Living with the excruciating pain of rejection is hard. Some people would rather be physically beaten than be emotionally beaten.

Does anyone in the world like you? Does anyone want to spend time getting to know you? Does anyone appreciate you? Does God? If you answer these questions “no” then you are living with the oppressive feeling of rejection.

Rejection, though it feels real, is more of an illusion than a reality, if you know Jesus. God knew you before you were born. Jesus redeemed you from all sin that separated you from God. God accepts you exactly as you are.

But this doesn’t mean you won’t struggle with rejection. You have experienced some rejection and you’ll experience some more. To gain confidence, you must learn to not care about the rejection that others direct your way.

Rejection can easily become a downward spiral. None of us knows who we are as much as God knows who we are. The more you’ve experienced rejection, the more you’ve probably gone into hiding. The more you are in hiding, the more people are rejecting the false you (because you are keeping the real you out of sight). But it will still feel like people are rejecting the real you, so you end up hurting more and hiding more.

There is no good reason for anyone to reject the best parts of you that come from God. Therefore, rejection has to do with being misunderstood rather than being defective. I would guess people with obvious disabilities experience this all the time in a much more direct way. How frustrating it is to be judged superficially. How frustrating to be judged instantly and only based on your performance in one moment rather than your potential.

How much have you become your own worst enemy? If you struggle with rejection, you struggle to understand who you really are. If you’ve stopped wanting to know the real you, it will be difficult for others to see you (as in “I see you” from the movie Avatar).

God sees your potential. Your potential comes from your heart, from who God made you to be. He sees you at your best even when you look your worst. You have the best qualities that God placed in you.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7 NLT

If you struggle with low self-worth, you might be quick to focus on the negative part of this verse. You might be thinking, “But God rejected Eliab, so that means He most likely rejects me.”

God has the right to choose whoever He wants for what He wants to accomplish. God can’t make everybody king. Just because you are rejected for one thing, doesn’t mean you are completely rejected. God will reject you for everything He doesn’t have planned for your life. But this also means He accepts you for all the good things He has planned.

So don’t worry so much about rejection. You’ll probably be rejected 99 times out of a 100. But it’s that 1 out of 100 that matters. You only need 1. Cling to the truth that God accepts you as you are, for the purposes He has for you. Ask God to help you understand your purpose and forget about what He hasn’t chosen you for.

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Know Your Priorities To Increase Life Satisfaction

Know Your Priorities To Increase Life Satisfaction

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What good are priorities? They:

  • Prevent aimless wandering through life.
  • Provide a focus for the energy God gives you.
  • Enable a meaningful way to resolve conflict.

If you don’t know what you want, life becomes an exercise in trial-and-error. That’s not necessarily bad the younger you are. But over the years, you should develop a greater sense of what life is about.

If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.

Lewis Carroll

When you finally know what you value, you can aim your life in a specific direction. Then, the bonus side-effect of having priorities is an unshakable hope. Before you can experience the fullness of hope, you have to learn how to prioritize.

Priorities Reduce Painful Mistakes

Have you ever walked through a room at night without the lights on? If so, you know what it feels like when your toe connects with an object you thought wasn’t there. Figuratively speaking, it’s also possible to be walking through life without the light.

Priorities are like a window that exposes the desires of your heart. You can see what is going on inside your soul. When your priorities are right you are walking in the light. That’s what Jesus is saying in Matthew 6:

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

Matthew 6:19-23 ESV

Priorities are values which naturally lead to specific goals. For example, if you value time with family, you might set a goal to increase your time together each week. If your values are really yours (not someone else’s imposed on you), you will be more likely to reach the goal you’ve set.

Values can be superficial, or meaningful and deeply fulfilling. For example, if you value money (prioritizing it above other things), that can be superficial if you store it up and never accomplish anything meaningful from it. But your value of money can also be fulfilling and lead to savings which can be used for good in a time of need.

Priorities Provide A Path To Contentment

After you know what you want, the next step is to learn how to be okay with not getting what you want.

As you mature emotionally and spiritually, your ability to manage life’s difficulties become easier. For example, if you believe you need to go on a vacation at a specific time and place in order to feel happy, and circumstances prevent it, you’ll have a hard time not feeling depressed or angry.

Fortunately, you can “trade up” your values. You can learn to value more than just what will provide an immediate reward. Like Paul, you can learn to be content in all circumstances.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

Isn’t it amazing how Paul can essentially be indifferent about whether he has little or an abundance?

It’s good to learn this skill. You can’t fully learn contentment without developing a greater trust in God. How much do you believe that what He provides for you is sufficient under all circumstances? Ask Him to bless you with this ability.

Life satisfaction is really about joy. When you are joyful, you can be indifferent about your circumstances. The truth that God is real and He rewards those who pursue Him is enough to keep the joy flowing in your heart. Ask God to give you a supernatural understanding of how real He is.

Read more on resolving conflict.
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Emotions Are Never Sinful

Emotions Are Never Sinful

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Emotions can reveal sin but they never stand alone as the source of sin. Emotions can lead someone to desire to sin but there is nothing wrong with feeling them. Emotions are messengers. You’ve heard the phrase, “don’t shoot the messenger,” right? A messenger can bring good or bad news, and you should welcome both, as long as the message contains no lies.

Emotions Are To The Heart As An Instrument Panel Is To The Plane

A pilot needs to know the plane’s altitude, airspeed, and direction. The pilot could look out the window to gauge these values, but the plane’s instrument panel, if it is working correctly, will be more accurate. Knowing that your plane is 400 feet off the ground, traveling at 200 MPH, and pointed toward the ground wouldn’t be good news, but it would certainly be helpful to know.

Emotions Are To The Heart As Smoke Is To Fire

Emotions are a byproduct of the heart. Your heart (the core of your life) is the source of all your emotions. Your emotions provide a window into the condition of your heart.

Smoke depends on burning material. Without fire, there would be no smoke. It’s possible to observe or collect smoke only when material burns. Smoke is a byproduct of burning material.

Your heart is the source of your emotions like fire is the source of smoke. Emotions come from your heart to bring you a message. If your heart is well, your emotions will be too. But if your heart is sick, you will feel negative emotions (unless you work to suppress them).

Jesus talked about false laws (such as ceremonial washing) that cannot defile us. He made a point that evils deeds start in the heart.

Peter replied, “What did you mean when you talked about the things that make people unclean?” Jesus then said: Don’t any of you know what I am talking about by now? Don’t you know that the food you put into your mouth goes into your stomach and then out of your body? But the words that come out of your mouth come from your heart. And they are what make you unfit to worship God. Out of your heart come evil thoughts, murder, unfaithfulness in marriage, vulgar deeds, stealing, telling lies, and insulting others. These are what make you unclean. Eating without washing your hands will not make you unfit to worship God.

Matthew 15:15-20 CEV

Will And Behavior Can Be Sinful But Never Emotions

Emotions indicate the status of your heart. The “bad news” you receive from your heart can be painful. But it’s only what you decide (with your will) to do (your behavior) with the pain that can be sinful.

The choices you make, whether in your heart, mind, or body, can be sinful. You can hold onto bitterness (heart) without acting on it. You can think vengeful thoughts (mind) without acting on them. You can strike someone with the intent to harm (body). All three of these are sins, but what about feeling angry? Is it sinful?

If you hold onto anger it becomes sinful but the original impulse is only a neutral indicator. What will you do with your anger? Welcome your angry feeling so you can better understand the condition of your heart.

Thinking of anger (or other emotions) as sinful can lead to suppressing it instead of understanding and addressing it. The reasoning goes like this: Anger is sinful. I’m angry. I need to get rid of the anger. I’ll ignore it. Now that I don’t feel angry, I’m no longer sinful. While this avoids a sinful outburst for the moment, unless the source issue of the heart is addressed, the anger will surface at a later time and likely cause even greater destruction.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23 NIV

To guard your heart try this reasoning: Anger is an indicator. I’m angry. I want to understand what is happening in my heart. I know when I address the pain in my heart, I won’t feel angry anymore.

More thoughts on feelings by Matt. And, some more.
Emotions are a gauge, not a guide.
Is anger sinful?
Picture colored by Matt!

Is this a Cross?

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I recently came across a cross. Or what someone told me was a cross.

As far as I know, the artwork was done with the right heart. The inscription said something like, “God told me to leave the cross open.”

What does this picture of an “open cross” mean to you? On a positive side, it could mean that the cross is open to all. And if that means all who want to develop a relationship with God can repent and accept Jesus’s death and resurrection, I’m all for it. God’s invitation is open to all.

Being a mostly organized person I appreciate order. Most of the time my desires aren’t pathological like Monk (the Obsessive Compulsive Detective). I like symmetry. I also like abstract and symbolic art.

But for some reason, I find this depiction of the cross to be… disturbing. It feels like an attempt to be modern gone bad. It crosses over into something new age. It waters down the truth. It makes the work of Jesus look incomplete and… cheap.

In fact, the more I looked at it, the more I felt uneasy. I see a swastika, not a cross. But apparently, the swastika is a cross of sorts — a hooked cross. To some cultures, it has a positive connotation but to others, it is associated with terror (according to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swastika).

So, maybe this is a psychological test — a Rorschach of sorts.

What does my interpretation say about me? I’m more of a purist when it comes to truth. I look for the simple truth and become uneasy with trying to dress it up too much.

I like that God made men and women different with distinct preferences. I see consistency and meaning in gender. The physical appearance of our bodies is representative of the underlying spirit and personality God gives us. For more on gender see https://christianconcepts.com/why-gender-is-binary.

Here’s my attempt at an open cross.

I’m not saying this discussion is a matter of right or wrong. But for my own sense of peace and order, the first cross just… crosses a line for me.

What do you see and how do you feel about the first cross?

Why Does God Allow Bad Things to Happen?

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Can you trust God when bad things happen?

Why God allows evil is an important question. But a better question is: What attitude should I have when I encounter evil? I love Habakkuk’s attitude. Despite what is happening, he expresses an unwavering faith in God.

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
    nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
    and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
    and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the deer’s;
    he makes me tread on my high places.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

There is a lot of disturbing happenings going on in our world right now. Following are my thoughts on how to hold onto faith when bad things happen.

Even for those of us not directly affected by the recent Dayton / El Paso / Gilroy shootings, we all may feel anxious. How can I cope with feeling like this is going to happen to me?

From a faith perspective, ultimately God is in control. There is little we can control (apart from having God’s help). Someone could play it completely safe by staying home, but then their house could catch fire. Difficult and even horrible events can and will happen. We cope by trusting in God’s long-term plan. A near-sighted look at a tragedy will bring anxiety and despair because in the short-term our lives are fragile.

What are the best strategies for coping? Should I turn off the news?

If someone is easily upset by the news and would become desperate then yes, they shouldn’t watch it until they can better put it into perspective. The chances of dying in a tragedy are minimal. Life is short. Do we want to spend it worrying about what might happen? If we do, this probably reveals that we place too much importance on what happens in this life.

Productive coping will move someone to positive action, not leave them trapped in anxiety or despair. Coping is always a temporary measure until the solution is available.

How can Christians make sense of senseless violence? Why would God let this happen? What comfort can you offer me?

To fully cope with evil requires a worldview shift. Jesus said to expect violence and difficulties. Even though it is heartbreaking, we shouldn’t be surprised. Evil exists. People can be easily influenced by evil. There is a reason to despair (without God). Life is difficult because everyone suffers to some degree and everyone dies in the end.

In the biggest picture, senseless violence is a wake-up call that life is short. Place your hope in God and the next life He has prepared for those who believe. Until someone reaches a saving faith in Jesus Christ, they are spiritually dead or perhaps I could say asleep. Without a wake up call, no one would seek God.

God allows evil to show the profound contrast between good and evil. In times of senseless violence, choosing goodness, choosing God should be easier. I don’t see a third option. The person who lives a cushy life unaffected by difficulty won’t see the real danger coming. A person dying of cancer needs to know their diagnosis. The comfort I can offer is that God says He will make everything right eventually. In the next life, we won’t have to deal with evil and suffering. But for now we need to realize, “the world is dying of a cancer.”

One step towards healing/coping is to try to find meaning. SandyHook parents advocate for gun control. Survivors may say “I want to be part of the solution to prevent/change what’s at the root of the problem that led to violence.” Will finding meaning like this help me heal?

Even though our ultimate hope must be in God and the next life, God leaves us here to govern the world. We should do that well with all goodness. We should do all we can to push back evil. But the evil we need to be concerned with first is spiritual not physical. People who participate in a mass killing must of course be stopped and they must face consequences for their actions. However, the ultimate problem is a spiritual one. Finding the maximum meaning in this life is still less than the least meaning you can find in the next life.

People need spiritual renewal, hope and truth more than they need gun control. To the degree people are well on the inside (mentally and spiritually), the chance of them aligning with an evil agenda is minimized. Gun control that takes guns out of the hands of people who are suicidal or homicidal is good. But if that’s all we do, we will only have a false sense of security. Evil will find another way as we learned with 911.

True security only comes by a genuine faith in Jesus Christ. Even though I’m a Christian, I still struggle at times with anxiety or depression, but it doesn’t balloon out of control because I know that God is good and He will make everything right one day soon.

I talk about the idea of good and evil and how knowing your true God-given identity is the antidote to anxiety and despair in my book, To Identity and Beyond.

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Priorities That Keep God Prominent

Priorities That Keep God Prominent

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Christians have a dilemma when it comes to choosing their priorities. If they spend a lot of time on work or with family, does that mean God isn’t at the top of their list? Common Christian wisdom says to prioritize something like:

  1. God
  2. Spouse
  3. Children
  4. Work
  5. Family
  6. Church
  7. Self

Can you see a problem with this way of organizing priorities? What happens if you give 100% to God? Will there be anything left over for the rest of the list? What happens if you give 25% (42/168 hrs) to work and 30% (50/168) to sleep? That leaves only 45% for everything else.

A sequential (linear) list like this implies that the items at the bottom of the list are expendable. But all seven are important. There must be a way to prioritize everything.

Prioritize Yourself And Others

During an airplane emergency, when the oxygen masks drop, you are supposed to put a mask on you first so you can stay alive to help others. In that first instant, you are wise if you focus on yourself.

Jesus says to serve others and consider them more important (Philippians 2:3) but He also says to love others as you love yourself (Matthew 22:39). Usually, it is a given that people will care for themselves, so they need a reminder to think of others. Yet, sometimes people don’t even know how to care for themselves well, so they need a reminder to maintain good self-care.

John replied, “If you have two shirts, give one to the poor. If you have food, share it with those who are hungry.”

Luke 3:11 NLT

If you have more than you need (two shirts) give away what you have in excess. He isn’t saying you should give your last shirt away. He means don’t hoard extra things that others need. If you are blessed with extra, share it with others. A healthy heart practices self-care but doesn’t hoard.

Prioritize God In All You Do

The Bible says to put God’s spiritual kingdom first (Matthew 6:33). What’s a person to do? Are Christians supposed to put God, self, or others at the top of their priority lists? The Bible never contradicts itself. It might appear like it does because it is comprehensive. The Bible can correct your heart no matter if you are too self-focused, too self-neglectful, or too spiritually-focused.

Is it possible to be too spiritual? “He is so spiritually minded that he is no earthly good.” Isn’t this the same attitude that Jesus corrected in the Pharisees? They were so lawfully minded that they missed God’s desire to love people. God wants us to be motivated by His love. This means we must receive His love first.

We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:19 NIV

God doesn’t want anyone to be so consumed with Him that it isolates them from others. Neither does God want anyone to be so focused on the daily tasks of this life that they don’t have time for Him.

God and other priorities don’t have to be time-compartmentalized. Instead of time for God followed by time for others, what if you bring God into all that you do throughout your day? You can keep your mind fixed on God and check off everything on your to-do list. Here is an exercise that illustrates this principle.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

Acknowledge God in all you do (Proverbs 3:6).

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

Colossians 3:2 NIV

You can honor God with your priorities as you see everything from the context of heaven. Your priorities on earth should be linked the God’s heavenly priorities. God is the glue that holds all the important stuff together as you go about your day. When you let God be involved, He has a way of helping you complete the important priorities. Keep Him in mind no matter what you are trying to do.

Read more about how priorities are linked to life-satisfaction.
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The 4 Steps to Growing a Fruitful Marriage

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You are probably thinking, “Awesome! Only four steps! I can be done next week.” But God made marriage to last a lifetime for a reason. The steps I am about to show you are real steps that we all go through at one time or another. But first, read Matthew 13:3-9.

Jesus uses the Parable of the Sower to speak about our receptivity to God’s words. Let’s consider how the parable also applies to marriage. The four types of soil in the parable match up with four types of relationships. From least to most desirable, these are Path, Rocks, Thorns, and Good Soil. The typical inexperienced couple begins as either Conflicted or Careless. Along the way, every couple experiences being Conflicted, Careless, and Choking before making it to Cooperating.

Ch01_Fruitful

The Conflicted Couple needs to learn how to experience a basic positive connection. The Careless Couple needs to experience and resolve conflict to build endurance. The Choking Couple needs to find a deeper enjoyment amidst the busyness of life. The Cooperating Couple needs to refine and maintain what they’ve accomplished so far.

As no person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. No matter which soil condition most closely describes your relationship, you can decide to grow a godly marriage by cultivating the path, clearing out the rocks, pulling out the thorns, and planting in the good soil. When you do this, you will be well on your way to yielding fruit one hundred times what was sown.

Be Assertive Even When You Don't Feel Like It

Be Assertive Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

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Being assertive is hard work. Many people avoid it altogether because of how much effort it takes to get it right. Being aggressive requires little self-control and being passive requires little energy. People prefer being assertive about as much as they prefer exercise over junk food.

To be sure, exercise has its benefits and you can even grow to crave exercise more than your favorite TV show. But enjoying something like exercise takes time to develop. It’s worth the effort though because it’s more deeply satisfying than whatever comes too easily.

Passive = Discount You And Count Others

You might choose to be passive when you don’t care about the outcome. That’s actually being smart. You conserve energy by avoiding to make any decision.

Most of the time you’re likely to have an opinion. When you care about the outcome, but still don’t speak up regarding you preferences, you’re being passive.

Aggressive = Count You And Discount Others

You might choose to be aggressive when you care too much about the outcome. If you believe you are right and must decide immediately (such as in an emergency) then aggressive behavior might be you only option.

Most of the time forcing your choice on others isn’t optimal nor positive. When you believe you must win at all costs (or on terms others find unacceptable), you are being aggressive.

Being aggressive is more efficient than being assertive but it usually comes with consequences (whether foreseen or not). Sometimes the damage done is irreparable.

Assertive = Count You And Count Others

Assertiveness requires much more up front effort, but the end result is usually much more satisfying. That’s because there’s always some form of win-win.

People tend to choose passivity when they believe that considering their opinions, wants, or needs are selfish. But it’s not selfish to declare your desired outcome. Just because you ask for something doesn’t mean you’ll always get it. Even Jesus asked for another way out of his crucifixion before he became obedient to death. He asserted His desire but was also always ready to submit to God’s desire.

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Matthew 26:39 NIV

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:3-8 NIV

People tend to choose aggressiveness when they believe their desired outcome is more important than anyone else’s. Jesus remained assertive because He let His desired outcome be secondary to God’s. In the end, we all won our freedom because of Jesus. And, He won too because God glorified Him.

Passive and aggressive people are both selfish, although with very different expressions. The passive person fails to speak the truth about themselves. The aggressive person might be truthful but not without being destructive. The passive person not speaking the truth is also destructive, just in a different way.

Why should you choose to be assertive even when you don’t feel like it? To be assertive means to reach for the greatest good like Jesus. When you are stuck in conflict with someone, ask each other what is the greatest good that can come out of this? How can you both be satisfied with any decision?

Read more about selfishness.
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Empathy Energizes Relationships

Empathy Energizes Relationships

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What is empathy? Empathy can be looked at from several perspectives. Empathy is:

  • Understanding a person’s mental and emotional state.
  • Opening yourself to feel compassion that moves you to care enough that you’d give everything you have (including your life) to help another.
  • A practical fulfillment of love.

Love Makes Empathy Possible

Because God sent His son Jesus Christ to demonstrate real love, we have the power to love, too. Here is a reminder of how God defines love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

Jesus couldn’t have endured the cross so graciously without empathy. God is a natural empathizer because God is love. Jesus modeled empathy while He walked the earth. He encouraged those who needed a boost and He wept with those who grieved.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Romans 12: 15 ESV

Spiritual Reality Makes Empathy Possible

To be able to empathize you must understand two truths:

  1. No other person is your enemy; only the devil is your true enemy (Ephesians 6:12). The devil will never repent and his destiny is already determined (John 16:8-11). But your friend, your spouse, or another person in your life can come to repentance. Someone who at one point acts like your enemy could one day be your friend. God knows what this is like (Romans 5:8-10).
  2. Other people are broken and needy just like you. Anyone who mistreats you is doing the best they can. They don’t yet know how to love any better. Jesus acknowledged this from the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NIV).

Struggle Makes Empathy Possible

Live can be a hard struggle. As we endure difficulty, it builds in us the ability to feel genuine compassion (2 Corinthians 1:4). Real compassion comes from the gut. It’s a longing for another person to receive God’s blessing. If you’ve ever witnessed someone suffering and desired to have the power to end their suffering, you’ve empathized!

Unfortunately, without God, we lack the power to help anyone. We are dependent upon God’s will. To move forward in life we must wait upon God to reveal His will. To see God’s will, we need light to see the truth.

We can be blind to the truth, trying to find our way through the darkness. And, the darkness can be consuming and overwhelming:

“Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!

Matthew 6:22-23 NLT

Thank God for His light. But when we’ve become accustomed to the dark, it can take a while to appreciate the light. We can walk in the dark which means we’ll hurt each other sometimes.

One way to combat the darkness is to develop more empathy for those God brings into your life. You can only deeply empathize with another if God’s love is working in you.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

1 John 4:7 NIV

If you’re able to empathize with another, you’re seeing them the way God sees them. It’s not possible to harbor bitterness toward someone and empathize with them at the same time. So if you want to have a better relationship, focus on growing your ability to empathize.

Read about how to have empathy without losing yourself in the process.
Image by Susanne Jutzeler, Schweiz from Pixabay

2 Helpful No-Guilt Negative Emotions

2 Helpful No-Guilt Negative Emotions

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Negative emotions are to be expected in a fallen world. The three most common are some form of anger, depression, and fear. If you suffer a loss would you want to walk around oblivious and happy?

Negative emotions exist as a response to pain. But emotions are not sinful. Only destructive behaviors are sinful. Indulging the flesh leads to destructive behavior. Emotions are neutral. What you do with them matters.

You might be thinking that as a Christian, you are always supposed to be happy. Paul tells us to:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

God’s will is that you rejoice always. How can this be? This is impossible to accomplish. However, we can rejoice in who God is, in His grace and mercy all the time. But while we are doing that, there’s also room to express sadness over present-day tragedies.

Jesus Experienced Negative Emotions

When Lazarus died, Jesus cried. Then a few short moments later, He gave thanks. Jesus experienced a mixture of negative emotions and a positive attitude.

Jesus wept. So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.

John 11:35, 41 NIV

Jesus cried more than a few times. He didn’t only let a few tears run down His face, He sobbed too. So it must be okay if you do too.

During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Hebrews 5:7 NIV

Negative Emotions Can Be Healthy

The so-called negative emotions (like sadness) have alternative positive expressions. Grief is healthy but despair is destructive. Can you see the difference? You can feel sad but choose either grief or despair.

Does this also work with anger? Jesus was consumed with zeal for the Father’s house (John 2:13-22). Indignation is healthy but resentment and bitterness are destructive.

How about anxiety? Jesus experience the incredible weight of sin and abandonment just before (Matthew 26:36-39) and during (Matthew 27:46) His crucifixion. Stress and anguish are healthy feelings but fear and worry are destructive.

While Jesus definitely experienced some form of sadness and anger, He never experienced fear. The Bible says to not sin in your anger (Ephesians 4:26) and to mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). But it doesn’t ever say you should fear. In fact, God is frequently reminding us, “do not fear.”

This doesn’t mean we should expect to never fear. But it does mean that worry is a sin. The one who worries is attempting to control something they cannot control. No one can worry and trust God at the same time. Fear and faith cannot co-exist.

There is a healthy expression of negative emotions. Although they are healthy (not sinful) they are only needed when pain is a possibility. In this life, so many things can bring tears. But you can be thankful that in heaven, there won’t be any more pain.

There is a destructive expression of negative emotions. Resentment, bitterness, despair, hopelessness, worry, panic always have disastrous consequences on the body and mind. While it might not seem like it, you always have a choice whether you want to hold onto these emotions. That’s because they are really behaviors. Do everything you can to prevent them.

Worry and despair are choices. Instead, what you really need is some healthy grieving or yearning for justice. Sadness and sorrow are responses.

Although sorrow isn’t a happy emotion, it can motivate a person to pursue a positive direction in life. Sorrow has some hope mixed in. Indignation has some hope mixed in. God will make all things right someday. You can endure stress when you also have hope.

Grieving is the best you can do when life serves a helping of pain on your plate. You can eat with dignity and might even be able to rejoice, pray, and give thanks at the same time.

Read more about Paul’s 3 Impossible Commands.
Read more about Jesus Feeling Angry
Read more on emotions and pain.
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Be Imperfect But Live Strong Anyway

Be Imperfect But Live Strong Anyway

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You can be less than perfect but still unmistakably valuable. You might hear “Nobody is perfect” after someone makes a mistake. But that phrase might also mean no one can be everything to everybody. You can be flawed and perfect at the same time.

To be imperfect and a Christian simply means that you aren’t living up to your ideal self. You need to mature into who God made you to be. The only way to be perfect is to trust God will fulfill His promise to completely sanctify you. God has the power to fully disinfect you from all sin.

You Are Imperfect

How positive are you about yourself? Can you look at yourself, see your brokenness, or even your sinful behaviors, and still know you are completely loved by God? Can you be limited in your abilities, flawed, and valuable? As you find the answers to these questions you will be able to live with strength and confidence.

Our hearts long for the end of all that is wrong, but in this life only God is perfect. We must live with less than ideal circumstances whether we like it or not.

One way to cope with imperfection is by employing all-or-nothing thinking. It’s useful when you can’t stand to look at your flaws. Like all coping, it stops the pain but a lack of felt discomfort doesn’t mean you are thriving.

If any imperfection means you are worthless, then you must believe you can’t make mistakes if you want to be valuable. The only way to achieve this is through denial of reality. Therefore, all-or-nothing thinking increases the likelihood of impulsive decisions and obsessive behaviors. Fear motivates the all-or-nothing thinker to attempt the impossible. Because it is impossible, more fear is generated. This never-ending cycle is like an addiction.

You Are Perfect

If someone or something isn’t perfect, what good is it? Does God only love you because He’s got no one better to love? No! God made you in His image, so you already have the highest value possible.

There’s no need to strive for perfection because you already have it. The only real flaw you have is the sin living within you. But Jesus has already crucified your sin.

So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.

Romans 6:11 NLT

To be all-in for God is healthy, but all-or-nothing thinking is unhealthy. God has no flaws, so there is no harm in fully trusting Him. Yet, it’s normal to struggle to trust Him when you are suffering.

Since you aren’t perfect (yet) you will only harm yourself if you can’t accept yourself with your flaws. It’s okay if you aren’t your ideal self yet. God’s design of you is perfect. He has set you free from your flaws and He isn’t finished with you yet.

Healthy thinking results in self-control, peace, and compassion. You can slow down and realize that you have everything you need in the present moment.

By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

2 Peter 1:3 NLT

Responding in fear (worrying) doesn’t help. Worrying is like driving your car in neutral or rocking in a chair. Both expend energy, but neither get you anywhere real.

Extreme behavior is often wasteful. The best approach stops at good enough. Instead of wasting your energy, why not channel it into activities that benefit others or you?

Has your life become extreme and therefore imbalanced in any way? The opposite of worry is trust. If you want to be imperfect live strong anyway, consider God’s words to Israel:

The holy Lord God of Israel
    had told all of you,
“I will keep you safe
if you turn back to me
    and calm down.
I will make you strong
    if you quietly trust me.”

Isaiah 30:15 CEV

What steps can you take to regain balance (give up worrying and self-reliance) and therefore increase your peace and efficiency?

Image by 272447 from Pixabay

Freedom Can Save A Marriage

Freedom Can Save A Marriage

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Do you believe it’s possible to do the right thing for the wrong reasons? Love without freedom isn’t real love. You might be following the letter of the law but miss the spirit when your heart isn’t in your actions.

God’s standard is freedom. He wants us to want to follow His instructions. But no one is perfect. The law He provides shows us how our hearts fall short of having pure motives. Following orders under strict obligation misses the mark.

The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

2 Corinthians 9:6-7 ESV

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1 NIV

Obligation Results In External Motivation

Performing a task under obligation indicates only a limited amount of self-control. For example, wearing a seat-belt out of obligation will protect you just as well if you agree it is a good idea, provided you buckle it correctly either way.

Compliance works at first, as long as there is accountability. If you don’t agree with a law and there isn’t any enforcement of the law, what is likely to happen?

  • You probably won’t wear your seat-belt every time.
  • You might not buckle it correctly every time.

The motive to wear your seat-belt will come from law enforcement; you will be externally motivated. Sometimes this is the only motivation we have. It is adequate but not ideal. You might only comply with the law when you know someone in authority is watching. Even then, you might not recognize anyone in authority.

Freedom Results In Internal Motivation

Rebellion happens because of our innate desire for freedom and autonomy. In this sense, rebellion is a good thing. Everyone needs to learn how to develop responsibility when they have freedom. It’s possible to have both. When you do, what is likely to happen?

  • You will wear your seat-belt most of the time.
  • You will invest in learning the correct way to wear your seat-belt.

The motive to wear your seat-belt will come from your heart; you will be internally motivated. You will be in agreement with the law, even if you don’t follow it perfectly every time.

Relationships Need Freedom

Relationships need freedom to function properly. Obligation opens up relationships to other sins like control. If I am obligated to serve you, then I might resort to control to attempt to prevent you from taking advantage of me. This intensifies when I believe I must continue to serve you even when it is harmful to me.

Freedom allow genuine love and care to develop in a relationship. With freedom, I can serve with joy in my heart. The value I have for another person motivates me.

Relationships Need Boundaries

Boundaries provide a natural way to escape the vulnerability of obligation. Boundaries promote healthy attitudes in both husband and wife. They are necessary when one person lacks the desire or ability to follow the way of love. When this happens a person could respond with good or bad control.

Unhealthy control attempts to manage another person. Healthy control attempts to manage yourself. If I am obligated to serve you, I believe I must serve you or I suffer guilt, so my only other option is to try to manage your behavior.

A home can be a good analogy for boundaries. Imagine a husband as a home and a wife as a home. What happens if the husband blames his wife that his home isn’t clean and the wife believes she is obligated to serve her husband by cleaning his home? They will probably end up in a dysfunctional pattern because of the unhealthy dynamic of taking advantage of another who feels obligation to serve.

In this example, the wife could attempt unhealthy control by focusing on her husband’s flaws. “You don’t love me.” “Your house is too dirty.” “You only want me in your life because I’ve been cleaning your house.” This sounds like nagging, doesn’t it? She feels trapped and hopes her husband will accept responsibility for his home. But she is the one working hard to convince him to change.

While these attempts could lead to some fruitful discussions, they place too much of the control outside of the wife. She would be better off focusing on what she can control. She only needs to recognize her opinion on the matter. “I don’t feel comfortable cleaning your house.”

She doesn’t have to participate in something that violates her sense of self. She has the freedom to choose to clean or not to clean. She can use discernment to decide whether cleaning is a good idea. This way she maintains a healthy amount of control over her situation.

For more on boundaries.
Image by Anja from Pixabay

Improve Your Communication

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How easily can you put yourself in another’s shoes? How possible is it for you to see life from another person’s perspective?

When communication is poor in a relationship, it usually has little to do with choosing the right words. Most people have a decent vocabulary. Communication problems come from:

  • An (often stubborn) desire to go in a particular direction (that is different than the other’s)
  • An inability to see life beyond your own perspective
  • Assuming other people think and feel the way you do

We see things not as they are, but as we are. Because it is the ‘I’ behind the ‘eye’ that does the seeing.

Anaïs Nin

If you’ve never seen a four-legged animal, you’ll probably have a hard time understanding someone’s love for a dog.

Your ability to understand your world is limited by your experiences and your identity. You can always get new experiences, but you can't get a new identity. However, new experiences will help you understand your identity. Share on X

You’ve heard the expression, “get on the same page,” right? All this means is having an experience of the same thing. Even after this, communication requires work because every person is different. Each person looks at the same dog, but sees, feels, and responds differently.

As much as being on the same page is helpful, it requires a tremendous amount of effort because there are so many experiences that haven’t been formed at the same time. One person might have experienced a dog bite when they were 8 years old. Another person in their twenties might call their dog their best friend. How would these two people get on the same page? As you can see, there’s plenty of room for bias and plenty of reasons why they would struggle to communicate.

Let’s pretend you have an awesome camera that takes super high-resolution pictures and a low-def monitor. What kind of experience will you have looking at the picture?

What if we switch it up? What if you have a super high-resolution monitor, but you take a picture with a low-res camera? Same experience, right? Both pictures will look distorted.

In this example, the picture is the common experience and the monitor represents each person’s identity. The same picture will look different on different monitors.

The monitor can’t change. While you can change, you are limited like the monitor to what you can perceive at any given moment. God hard-wired your identity to see life in a specific way. He doesn’t intend for you to ever see it exactly like anyone else.

This brings us to a plan to communicate better. To improve your communication:

  • Have more experiences; each one changes you and helps you understand
  • Have more shared experiences; each one gets you closer to being on the same page
  • Practice describing what you see to each other, but realize you’ll never get it perfect, only close enough
  • Recognize each person sees the same experiences differently
  • Recognize each person has different motives and desires
  • Recognize each person is unique and will always only see life through the lens of their God-given identity
  • Be patient with the process; the best understanding develops over a long time

When all else seems to fail, there is love and empathy. Love overcomes the frustration from the lack of ability to know what it is like to be someone else. No one else has ever been you, so they can’t know for sure what it’s like. But you can empathize because everyone knows what it is like to feel pain and discomfort and then experience peace.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV

Peace and comfort are universal experiences.

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

Hope for the Holidays

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The holidays at the end of the year tend to be polarizing. You could find yourself at the North Pole, visiting Santa. Or, you could find yourself at the South pole, all alone.

If life has gone well for you throughout the year, then Christmas is the ultimate celebration with friends or family (or both!). It’s like having your favorite dessert with your favorite topping. It’s not essential, but it sure tastes good.

If life hasn’t been going well, December might be cause to emphasize how terribly lonely you feel. That could be like your car breaks down, and you have no place to go for Christmas. You might wonder, What else is going to go wrong?

Life can be cruel sometimes. You can make the extra effort to be nice or work hard to complete a project at work, but the reward doesn’t come. Maybe even just the opposite happens: you are rejected and betrayed by an important person in your life or you lose your job (or both!).

What next? Is there hope for you? Has God abandoned you? It probably feels like He has.

God is Aware of Life’s Ups and Downs

God is aware of all the times when life disappoints. He’s wired into our hearts such a desire for good things. So, of course, He expects you to feel disappointed when your expectations aren’t met. This doesn’t mean you should throw out your expectations.

Your desire for life to go smoothly and to be able to enjoy your days is essential.

Your ability to hold onto hope when life doesn’t go smoothly is equally essential.

Somehow God wants you to aim for the highest and best possible outcomes, accept all (short-term) setbacks, and continue in faith and hope. Share on X

Giving up on God is the ultimate expression of hopelessness. Loneliness, boredom, and hopelessness are really just natural consequences of not seeing God’s reality. You’ve lost everything if you’ve lost sight of God’s reality.

God Hasn’t Forgotten You

God still loves you. His love hasn’t changed. You can rest in this fact. Isn’t that what we most want to know during difficult times? You’re not experiencing catastrophic news meant to permanently shut the way to all hope. God is still with you amidst the chaos.

Your chance is coming. How do I know this? God is good. To want to not be lonely is a good thing. It’s hard to feel hopeless and not also feel lonely. It’s equally hard to feel lonely and also not feel hopeless. But if this is true, then the opposite is equally true: if you’re connected to someone, it’s hard to not feel hopeful.

Knowing you are connected to someone on a regular basis is essential to emotional well-being.

Even when you are alone, you won’t feel so lonely if you’re feeling hopeful. Hope comes from faith in Jesus and what He promises.

This Christmas, focus on seeing God’s reality. Ask God to help you believe and you’ll have hope for the holidays. Your heart will be home for Christmas.

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Recommended Resources 2019

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I follow other people because they can share an encouraging perspective on God that I might not see immediately. This week, instead of reading something new from me, I recommend you check out these resources:

Be True to Yourself and Live Free
Danielle Bernock
https://www.arenewedlife.com/poor-self-esteem-why-compliments-wont-help/
Tawnya Kordenbrock
https://www.lorischumaker.com/laughter-is-good-for-the-soul/
Lori Schumaker

https://faithandfitness.net/identity-defined-at-cedar-pointe-fitness
Brad Bloom’s Faith & Fitness Magazine

Identity Manifesto
Matt Pavlik

Make Peace With Your Life

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Are you at odds with how your life is going? If you are feeling more disappointment than energy for life, you could benefit from pausing to examine your direction.

You can make peace with your life even when you are experiencing frequent discouragement. Disappointment can show up in a lot of ways:

  • Loss of a loved one or job
  • Inability to get on the same page with your spouse
  • Consistent effort followed by consistent setbacks or rejection
  • Lack of opportunities to connect with others

All of these can impact your sense of your identity, or who you are. Loss, stress, rejection, isolation are serious enough to cause a person to enter into self-doubt. When you start doubting your identity, you open yourself up to all kinds of trouble.

My life work for the past three years has been to study, write about, and teach the significance of knowing your identity.

Your identity comes from God and is secure with God. To know yourself as God made you is to know more about God. Share on X

I focus so much on identity because knowing who I really am provides the reassurance I need. Without reassurance, life’s disappointments would overwhelm me.

How are you doing? Maybe you are finally prepared to make a course-correction. Would you like some help to assess your current place in life? Start with the guest post I wrote on Lori Schumacher’s blog. Then, if you have any questions, comment below so we can discuss how to find the positive and make peace with your life, even when a lot of negative is happening.

Or, if you want even more help with discovering your identity, consider my books Confident Identity and To Identity and Beyond.

Image by Foundry Co from Pixabay

Is Your Identity Defined By What You Do?

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Identity can’t be defined by what you do. It’s the other way around: what you do flows out of who you are.

The two are correlated though. What you do provides clues about who you are. But you are always more than what you do. And, in the case of a mistake, one moment in life doesn’t have the power to immortalize you.

What do you helps you discover your identity, but it doesn’t create or define your identity.

At the moment you came into existence, you have your identity. It serves as a map like your DNA. Life experiences are like sonar waves going out to detect your identity. Even what you do can be like identifying waves. Sometimes those waves contain distortions and you might get the wrong impression of who you are.

Your self-image is your best estimate of who you are. Your self-image is a limited, distorted version of your true identity. You limp along in life to some degree because you don’t know what it’s like to be completely free from the distortions. You can’t know, at least not in this life.

You can change your self-image to move into alignment with your identity. But your identity is fixed and unchanging for all time. That should be reassuring. You’re not aiming for at a moving target. You can become more aware of who you are.

Your identity is defined by your creator. If you want to know who you are, you need to ask God. So in this sense, who you are is somewhat of a mystery. Only God knows your identity completely.

Some people try to wrest control of their identity from their creator. “I’ll define myself my own way apart from God. I’ll manipulate my physical appearance, my body, and maybe even my DNA.” But this is only a superficial change compared to the identity God created for you.

You can observe your identity by looking at how you react to life experiences. You can also define it based on the truth found in the Bible. For example:

  • You are made in God’s image (similar to God but different, like how women are similar to men but different). See Genesis 1:26–27
  • You are a spiritual being that God made with intention. See Genesis 2:7
  • You are created to accomplish great things. See Ephesians 2:10

And there are many other defining statements in the Bible. Some of the definitions apply to everyone (everyone is made in God’s image), and some apply only to those who have become believers in Jesus Christ (Christians have a renewed spiritual connection with God and experience His love in a more intimate way – see 2 Corinthians 5:17 and Romans 5:5).

Then there are the specifics that only apply to each individual. You are unique. No one else has the same combination of abilities and perspective on life. You see God in a way that others need to hear. Your voice and contributions are needed – otherwise, God wouldn’t have bothered to create you. You are significant.

To define the specifics, you can look at your:

  • physical appearance and athletic ability
  • sex (male or female)
  • cognitive and emotional patterns and preferences
  • personality patterns
  • spiritual gifting
  • work preferences

When you start to notice the patterns in all of these, you will have a stronger sense of your identity.

As you seek your identity, remember that you aren’t self-sustaining. You can’t keep yourself alive forever. You have a distorted self-image. You need to look beyond yourself to find your identity. You are defined by your context; God is where you came from, and if you’re a believer, God is where you will return.

How are you doing with discovering your true identity? What struggles or obstacles are preventing you from realizing all God made you to be?

I posted this answer on Quora for the questions: Is our identity defined by what we do? If not, what is it defined by? If you like my answer, upvote it on Quora.

Image by Arek Socha from Pixabay

Identity and The Gospel

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The Gospel is the foundation of Christian identity.  Without the Gospel, you couldn’t become born spiritually, so you’d never have access to your Christian identity.

When Paul wrote to the Galatians, he stressed repeatedly that the Gospel can’t be altered in any way. As soon as you add or remove something, you no longer have a Gospel. He goes on to say that the primary reason anyone would want to alter the Gospel would be to please another human.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

—Galatians 1:10

You might water down the Gospel so that more people qualify. The Gospel is already free. Or, almost free. You do have to want to spend eternity with God on His terms. The Gospel needs to be responded to for it to be effective. If we try to make it more inclusive, we steal away its power.

You might try to tighten up the Gospel so that fewer people qualify. But again, the Gospel isn’t some hard-to-get-into exclusive club. You can’t make a profit from the Gospel but charging someone. It’s already free, making someone jump through more hoops to qualify also robs the Gospel of its power.

The more we try to please anyone but God, the more we stray from fulfilling God’s plan for our lives. God has a purpose for us. Every day has a purpose. God knows the day you will wake up so you can intentionally seek your purpose. He strategically hides everyone’s purpose in their identity. If you know your identity, you know your purpose.

If you want some assistance in discovering who God made you to be, get my workbook, Confident Identity.

Identity Manifesto

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Do you know what a manifesto is? According to thesaurus.com, it’s a public statement of belief — a “public declaration explaining past actions and announcing the motive for forthcoming ones.”

I wrote an Identity Manifesto to raise awareness of the need for us to better understand who God intends us to be. Why? Because the lack of identity is at epidemic proportions. I’m calling for you to join me in serious pursuit of who God made you to be.

You can't be blind to who you are, believe lies about yourself, and see God clearly at the same time. Share on X

If everyone knew who they were and why God made them, imagine what effect this would have on the quality of life. Wouldn’t addiction, crime, depression, anxiety, bad attitudes, feeling lost and empty… all decrease and maybe even cease?

As all Christians grow in their identity, the time will pass quickly as God’s plans come to fruition. Then, we’ll be together in heaven, fully knowing each other and fully knowing God.

You’ll receive a copy of the Identity Manifesto when you signup to receive my weekly emails.

When you make a decision to join me in pursuit of identity, let me know in an email or post a comment. I ‘d like to know what you find to be the most difficult thing about learning who God made you to be.

Stop Drifting and Start Living on Purpose

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A sailor woke up on his ship drifting in the ocean. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t remember how he got there. He couldn’t recall where he came from. He had no idea where he was going.

He did have a working knowledge of sailing. All directions looked the same to him, so he continued to sail in the direction he was already going.

Could this sailor be you? Stop and examine your life. Are you moving in a direction on purpose? Or do you only let the waters take you where they want to go?

If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.

—Lewis Carroll

If your only goal is to not be where you are, then don’t waste time trying to pick the best direction. If you want to get away fast, don’t bother analyzing your options.

Drifting along in life is necessary when you have no clue who you are. But drifting without a systematic mapping of your journey is foolish. As you journey through life, God wants you to map your experiences and make increasingly educated decisions about your life direction and goals.

Immaturity is drifting along without paying attention to where you’ve been. Maturity is growing in the knowledge (experience) of who God is and who you are.

If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.

—Seneca

If you don’t care where you’re going, why would you care which way the wind is blowing? If you don’t have a goal or destination in mind, no help exists for you.

Here are two questions to help you find a direction and stay on course every day:

  1. How are you not being your authentic self?
  2. In what way can you grow toward your authentic self?

Your authentic self is your God-given identity.

Your Perception is Your Reality

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You’re swimming in the ocean. The sky is clear and blue. The sun is warm and bright. You see dozens of people playing in the water and countless more on the beach.

Your friends are near you. You’re talking about where you want to eat tonight. You’re relaxed and peaceful, except for your churning legs keeping you afloat.

The water is up to your neck. As far as you know, all is well. Except you don’t know what is lurking below the surface. Have you ever seen the movie, Jaws?

I chose this scene, not to discourage you from swimming, but to help you see the contrast between your awareness and ignorance at any given moment. Do you know what is lurking beneath the surface of your life?

Are you missing out on sunken treasure or are you about to be blindsided? When you consider only what is above the surface, you have an incomplete picture at best, and a false peace at worst.

God Has More for You

Your perception is your reality but it’s probably not God’s reality. God sees all; you see a little. God has more for you but you won’t be able to receive more than you’re capable of comprehending.

What you’re able to perceive is limited by your internal reality. You’re limited because you can’t yet see or accept the reality beyond your perception. You can’t accept more for one of the following reasons:

  1. You lack awareness or maturity.
  2. You lack faith or belief.
  3. You’re stuck in denial.

To remedy your blindness, something needs to change. You need new experiences, new eyes, or a new embrace.

New Experiences

If you lack awareness or maturity, you need new experiences to help you perceive more of God’s reality. You’ve done nothing wrong; you simply need to expand the number of tools in your toolbox. Seek to learn something every day.

Wisdom is with the aged,
and understanding in length of days.

Job 12:12

New Eyes

If you lack faith, you need to borrow God’s eyes so you can see more of His reality. Perhaps the busyness of life is distracting you from seeing the spiritual reality all around you. Ask God for faith so your eyes will be open.

When the servant of the man of God rose early in the morning and went out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was all around the city. And the servant said, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” He said, “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. And when the Syrians came down against him, Elisha prayed to the Lord and said, “Please strike this people with blindness.” So he struck them with blindness in accordance with the prayer of Elisha.

2 Kings 6:15-18

New Embrace

If you’re stuck in denial, you need humility to embrace the reality in front of you. Pride and stubbornness limit your vision. Trust that God is on your side, even amidst the most difficult times.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

In God’s reality, perceptions can be misleading. What you see isn’t what you’ll get. God’s grace is beyond comprehension.

Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Embrace Your Midlife Crisis

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If you haven’t been through a midlife crisis you might be missing out on all life has to offer.

A midlife crisis has its roots in adolescence. Teenagers experience an identity crisis and must attempt to answer the question, “who am I?” Most teenagers are happy with any answer so long as it doesn’t resemble their parents.

Chances are, you’ll need to revisit the “who am I” question somewhere between teenager and oldager. The second time around the pressure can be more intense because you’ve had more time to find an answer.

What Qualifies as a Crisis?

You know you’re experiencing a midlife crisis when you become aware that your life is out of sync with the way you want it. You must also feel a moderate to high level of concern about your progress in life. You might be experiencing a midlife crisis if you’re realizing any of the following:

  • Your life has an ending point and it’s coming up faster than you want it to.
  • Your life lacks meaning and purpose; you have no clue why you exist.
  • You aren’t having fun anymore (or you never were).
  • Your life isn’t turning out like you hoped it would.

A midlife crisis is an indication that something needs to change. If nothing changes, the intensity of the crisis will become almost unbearable.

What are the Typical Responses to a Crisis?

You can view a crisis optimistically and embrace the needed changes, or pessimistically and resist the needed changes. An optimist will interpret the crisis as an opportunity and become more determined. A pessimist will interpret the crisis as a dead-end and become more discouraged.

You can also make superficial changes such as the stereotypical sports car purchase which is, perhaps, an attempt to return to the teen years. Throwing money at a crisis in order to return to the good old days might boost your mood temporarily, but you can’t buy long-lasting life satisfaction.

What are the Steps to Resolving a Crisis?

To make it through the crisis, you must enter into a time of transformation. Your crisis is over when you emerge with a new understanding and direction for your life.

A caterpillar must go through a midlife crisis before it can become a butterfly. A caterpillar without the awareness of its destiny to become a butterfly will easily become lost and discouraged. To find your inner butterfly (resolve the crisis), reflect on your past, present, and future.

Consider Your Past

Your past is done and over but it contains clues to help you move forward. By reviewing the past you might be able to remember an important activity or uncover an insightful pattern.

What has your life been like so far? What has worked? What hasn’t?

If your life was a book, how would you title it?

What has been the highest point in your life so far? What has been the lowest point?

What were your top interests in each decade of your life?

What has provided some life satisfaction?

Consider Your Present

Has any recent life event pushed you from being unaware of your crisis to being hyper-aware of your crisis? If you know what significant change brought on your dissatisfaction, you have a clue where to start making some adjustments.

Consider Your Future

As you review your past and consider your present, do you have any regrets? Is there any reason you can’t bypass your regret by pursuing your dream now? Who says you can’t? Don’t become stuck in the “I’m too _____” trap. You know: I’m too old. I’m too weak. I’m too late. These are superficial excuses that will keep you stuck in crisis mode.

A midlife crisis is an opportunity to re-invent yourself. George Eliot said, “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

To gain some momentum so you can emerge from your cocoon as a butterfly with a new possibility for life, plan your future by answering three questions:

  1. What is one thing you want to stop doing?
  2. What is one thing you want to continue doing?
  3. What is one thing you want to start doing?

 

Why Gender is Binary

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Gender is binary because it’s part of your identity. Before you were born, you were a thought in God’s mind. God designed you to be either male or female.

Dictionary.com defines identity as:

The state or fact of remaining the same … under varying aspects or conditions … the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses, as schizophrenia.

Identity can’t change. Any aspect of your identity must be permanently yours, or else it really isn’t part of you. You can lose a job, your health, or even a loved one. But no one can steal the identity God gave to you.

Changing Your Appearance Doesn’t Change Your Identity

Trying on different clothes can be fun. The purpose is finding the clothing that best fits with who are you. Moods, styles, and expressions are meant to change frequently. Clothing goes out of style all the time.

Your identity will never go out of style. Share on X

Changing your hair color changes your appearance. Putting on different styles and colors of clothes accents your identity. This gives life a sense of adventure. You can paint your home a different color every day if you like.

Changing Your Thoughts Doesn’t Change Your Identity

You might be able to arbitrarily change who you think you are. You’ll never be able to change who you actually are.

Say I am a hamburger. Say it again every day when you wake up. Say it every time you feel any doubt about who you are. If you don’t know who you’re supposed to be, eventually, you might convince yourself that you’re a hamburger.

Your mind is a powerful gift. You can use it to disconnect from reality. You’ll never be able to change reality.

Be careful what you wish for. You might journey down a path leading to no place good. Life is tough. Don’t make it more difficult and confusing than it already is.

You can stop saying you’re a hamburger. Try I am made in God’s image.

God Gives You Your Identity

You have an identity that remains the same under varying circumstances. God expects us to discover what that is, not send in the bulldozers and try to out-create Him. The secret to maximum life enjoyment is aligning who you think you are with who God says you are.

You have freedom of choice but God is in control.

The heart of man plans his way,
    but the Lord establishes his steps.

—Proverbs 16:9

You can’t be whoever you want to be. You can pretend to be whoever you want to be. You can decide what you want to do with what God has given you. You can be more of exactly who God made you to be.

God Made You Male or Female as Part of Your Identity

God is a fixed point. You’re either moving away from Him or toward Him.

God defines reality. Gender is a fixed, specialized role. God assigned you a specific role to play.

God calls men and women to different roles. Otherwise, why would He have bothered to create such distinct genders?

You’re either male or female but you can express both masculine and feminine traits. There is actually significant flexibility within your role.

Most things can be done by both genders. But God made men and women to compliment each other, not compete with each other. God designed some activities especially for one gender.

If you attempt to blur your gender identity, you’ll move further away from God and who He designed you to be.

Gender Demonstrates Who God Is

God created gender to help us understand who He is. God is masculine as compared to the rest of creation. Marriage between a man and a woman, each with distinct roles, creates a picture of who God is. Marriage is a sacrament — a living picture husband and wife experience as they relate to each other. Marriage services as a constant reminder of who God is and who we are as Christ’s bride.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

—1 Corinthians 11:3

The gender roles provide a clear structure of authority. God doesn’t intend for us to tinker with His design. Doing so creates a false image of who He claims to be.

Gender is binary because, as a part of creation, it communicates who God is.