Identity

Be Close And Feel No Shame

August 29, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

To be close to someone requires that you reveal who you are. Unfortunately, because of the fall, we can experience shame by believing that we are ugly (deformed) in some way, even though God never intended us to experience this.

Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.
Genesis 2:25 NLT

That sums up the primary goal of marriage. Can you reveal who you are and what you really want, without hesitation or embarrassment? Can you do it with someone of the opposite sex who might not understand you so well?

You can be rejected and feel ashamed at the same time, but you don’t have to. If someone chooses to reject you, your response might range from indifference to depressed, to feeling deeply ashamed.

There’s no greater stress on your soul than feeling ashamed. To feel humiliated is to believe that your greatest desire will never be fulfilled. It happens when you honestly admit what you want more than anything while simultaneously accepting that the culmination of your desire is impossible, and therefore, something must be hopelessly wrong with who you are.

Freedom Enables Closeness

Freedom allows for longing to grow. When you have freedom, you can be aware of what you want and be allowed to pursue it.

Control is the opposite of freedom. It has to do with insecurity which can originate from the belief I am not worth being pursued. When you feel unattractive (whether by physical appearance or within your being), it’s tempting to force closeness (to prove worth) or distance (to avoid feeling worthless) in relationships.

So you can see how togetherness and separateness can be in conflict in marriage. Freedom allows your spouse to feel their desire to be with you. It allows both of you to be who God created you to be.

Love and Respect Enable Closeness

The desire for acceptance and the likelihood of experiencing shame promote defensiveness. But the resulting distance produces loneliness which isn’t good either (Genesis 2:18).

Love and respect affirm a person’s identity. They are the antidote to shame, so without them, shame is certain. Love and respect can’t be faked, so you must cultivate them genuinely.

Genuine togetherness occurs when both husband and wife desire to be together. You can encourage a desire for closeness by focusing on the positive qualities of both you and your spouse. You are both made in God’s image, so even when you might not be able to see positives qualities, they exist.

Separateness Enables Closeness

God didn’t make a husband and wife to be together 100% of the time. To be literally one would make the need for two obsolete. Instead, “one” means to function as one–to be on the same team. Members of a volleyball team would be much less effective if they were joined at the hip (too close) or if they played independently of each other (too separate). Their effectiveness increases as they cooperate but perform distinct functions. The strongest team will have diversified (not redundant) members who function together to achieve a purpose greater than they can achieve apart.

Marriage is more challenging than volleyball. It’s easier to be on the same team in volleyball because the skills required are fewer and simpler. The playing field is divided into two parts. The opponents are clearly visible. The objective is in plain sight.

When you lose sight of the purpose of marriage the team analogy becomes less understandable, but it’s no less valid. Conflict in marriage will increase to the degree the team objective is lost. The conflict often results from one or both people wanting too much closeness or too much separateness. A person’s expectations can become not only unhealthy but also impossible to fulfill.

Every relationship has an optimal amount of closeness which can vary depending on the season of life. Paradoxically, knowing how to be skillfully distinct (separate) allows for being the closest possible without feeling ashamed.

You can live knowing you are beautiful today for two reasons:

You are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27).
God reformed you into a new creation without sin (2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 4:24).

For these reasons, you can draw close to God without experiencing shame (Hebrews 4:16) and then also draw close as husband and wife.

For further learning, consider what is the objective of your marriage. How can you support each other on the same team? Ask God to help to see and affirm the positives in your spouse.

Build A Better Marriage With 3 Skills

August 22, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 5 minutes

Marriage is a high potential relationship. With its high reward comes a high risk of making a mess of it. Even though an awesome relationship is hard work, there are a few skills that will help you succeed.

Marriage requires many skills but the three I want to share encompass them all. The three skills are developmental. Meaning, being skilled at #1 makes #2 easier, and being skilled at #2 makes #3 easier. These skills are overlapping in the sense it is possible to be working on all three skills at the same time.

Marriage Skill #1: Thriving As An Individual

The prerequisite for a healthy marriage is to be a healthy individual. This skill prepares a single person to be a married person.

When just beginning to learn this skill, two individuals are not mature enough to sustain a healthy relationship. After all, if you can’t manage yourself, how are you going to take care of someone else?

Each person needs to be able to function as a whole person even when their partner isn’t functioning well. If too much pressure (the expectation that needs will be met) is applied to a spouse, the resulting conflict can be explosive enough to destroy the relationship. This collision is set on a course when two people meet, fall in love instantly, only to find out later they didn’t know what they want in life.

The more you know who you are and what you want from life, the easier it is to be happily married. The one exception to this rule might be that you must want to be married more than you want to live like you are single.

When you are secure enough in who you are, you can be flexible enough to find a way to stay married and pursue something that fulfills you as an individual.

Marriage Skill #2: Cooperating As A Team

The prerequisite for fruitful marriage is to be a team player. This skill prepares a married person to accomplish more with their partner than they can accomplish alone.

When just beginning to learn this skill, a couple cannot work well together. To cooperate as a team requires developing a high level of intimacy. To build this skill, the couple must learn how to be close without losing all they gained as individuals. This involves knowing how to communicate and resolve conflict while maintaining individual boundaries.

Functioning as an individual is different than as a team. Teamwork requires knowing how to work together with different personalities and abilities. The overall marriage objective might not be clear. This will take time to define and negotiate.

Marriage Skill #3: Accomplishing A Mission

As you become proficient in skills #1 and #2, you are more ready to pursue objectives together. With less energy needed to be a healthy individual or couple, you can devote your energy reserves to pursue a purpose that requires two people.

While there are many ways to complete a mission together, a popular one suited for marriage is raising children. If you find your relationship struggling since you started having children, chances are you need to become more experienced at the first two skills.

By now you might have realized that all three skills compete for attention. To build a better marriage requires investing in the right skills, in the right balance, at the right time. Following are some examples to help you understand how this can be challenging, but not impossible.

Tom and Sarah are 16 years old. When they become pregnant, they must devote an enormous amount of energy to their child (#3). While a baby is a high priority, for their relationship to work, they must also build in time to continue growing into adults (#1) and time learning to manage stress and having fun as a couple (#2). At this young age, they experience tension between all three skills, which makes success less likely but still possible.

Steve and Amy are 29 years old. They both work and support themselves without help from their parents. They are used to spending large amounts of time socializing with friends (#1). They don’t have any children, but for their relationship to work, they must make time to learn how to be a couple apart from their friends (#2). Their need for developing couple skills applies pressure on their individual pursuits.

Mark and Mary are 35 years old. Mark wants to spend his free time going on adventures with his male friends (#1). Mary wants to spend time together exclusively with Mark at home (#2). They experience tension in their relationship because they desire different ways to focus their energies.

Becky is 40 years old. She has been divorced 2 times and has 2 children. She has been seriously dating a man for a year. She works and takes care of her children as a single mom. But most of her free time goes to her relationship. Her desire to not be alone, along with her responsibilities as a mom, gets in the way of her need to grow up (#1).

Bob and Lucy are 55 years old. They have spent the last 25 years raising their kids together (#3). Both have dreams to finally be able to put more effort into their careers. Their need to learn how to be a couple again applies pressure to their desire to feel fulfilled as individuals.

See how these 3 skills expand into 7 principles.
Photo by Kampus Production from Pexels

How do I Realize My Identity?

August 24, 2018 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 2 minutes

When life is a struggle, sometimes we wrestle with ourselves, sometimes with our circumstances, and sometimes we wrestle with God.

I wonder what challenge your facing that is causing you to want to realize your identity. Whatever the challenge is, I suggest you face it head-on. As you wrestle with it, you’ll learn more about who you are. Jacob wrestled with God and God ended up changing his name.

And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him.

—Genesis 32:24-29

To understand your identity, you should also consider your worldview. What is your relationship to everything else besides you? Look at where you fit in comparison to everything else.

Considering your likes and dislikes is good. Considering what others see is also good. But there’s more. What brings deep satisfaction and meaning to you?

To realize your identity, enter into the following cycle:

Define yourself as best as you can. Who are you?
Live life. Experiment. Try something new.
Define your worldview. Where are you?
Define your purpose. Why are you here?
Define your goals. What do you want to accomplish next?
Focus on what is most meaningful to you for a while.
Return to step 1 and repeat.

Who Are You Really?

May 26, 2019 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

What do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt?

Do you know who you are? Can you know who you are? If so, can you tell me with absolute certainly?

Who you think you are may not be who you really are.

Question Reality

Do you accept reality as you see it? Are people basically good? Has anyone ever called you naïve?

Are you ever a little bit curious about another’s motive? If you’ve been betrayed, you might have become doubtful or suspicious. Could others be plotting your demise?

Too much questioning encourages fear. Paranoia is a sickness, but some suspicion might help you sniff out reality.

Think about your two closest neighbors or friends. Could one of them be an alien from another planet? Maybe some people you know are spies from another country, or wolves in sheep’s clothing.

It’s easy for me to question reality. I wonder about some people more than others, and you should too.

Am I being silly or am I being serious? Either way, you’ll never know before it’s too late. Maybe I’m an alien with a plan to take over the world.

Protect Reality

Question what you know to be true to strengthen your convictions. You will have less fear. You will have more assurance and peace.

The people of this world are concerned with protecting their territories:

How can we protect earth from an alien invasion or asteroid collision?

Who should we allow in our country?

Can you trust your neighbor?

Efforts to protect your home are necessarily. But more important than guarding your physical borders is discovering who you really are.

Discover Reality

I’m convinced there is a truer reality beyond what you can see. This truer reality is greater than you can imagine. You can’t see it completely, but it is still knowable. To see it you must search for it with spiritual eyes — the ones connected to your brain AND to your heart.

In C.S. Lewis’s The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, four children discover a magic wardrobe that contains a portal into another reality. The adults in their lives see only a plain wardrobe. But those four children, with their childlike innocence, see and enter into the truer reality. They begin an all-immersive adventure, and you can too.

Know Reality

If you believe in God, there are many surprising truths about God’s reality that apply directly to you. Are you an alien from another planet or a child of God? Maybe both, right?

You are more than a stranger to this world. But you are not a bizarre, diabolical alien. God says you are an ambassador. You are from “planet” God and one day you will return to Him.

You are more than a spy. Beneath whatever clothing you wear, are wounds, scars, and weaknesses that you want to keep secret from the rest of the world. But, instead of staying hidden, you seek to be brave enough to come forward as a witness and reveal your true identity.

You might fear you are a wolf because sometimes you behave like one. But in reality, you are a new creation made by God. You are an innocent sheep under God’s care.

Are you hiding your victories, gifts, and strengths from others and even from yourself? Your greatest victories come from your most painful wounds. Your gifts grow out of your scars. You are strong because you are also weak.

If you want to know the reality of who you are, you must look to both your strengths and your weaknesses.

Conclusion

There is a truer reality beyond what you see in front of you. You must seek it out with spiritual eyes. When you do, you can know for sure who you are.

I’m Matt Pavlik. I’m an ambassador who sometimes feels alienated from God, a witness who sometimes hides like a spy, and a sheep who sometimes acts like a wolf. But more than that, I know for sure I am a child of God (John 1:12).

If you’re ready for an adventure and you can see the portal, step through and start discovering who you really are.

How to Climb High (Without Falling)

February 16, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 4 minutes

I’m not afraid of heights (at least not as much as I used to be). But I’m not fearless either. A few years ago, my wife and I decided to paint the exterior of our house. It’s a tri-level. Not only that, but one section has a sunken patio.

I was fine with 8′ ladders, but this job required a 25′ ladder. At first, I was scared to go much beyond the 8′. By the end of the project, I was climbing all the way to the top. I found a healthy balance between too-afraid-to-climb and too-fearless-to-prevent-accidents.

Perfectionism is completing a task with a greater amount of energy or effort than is needed to meet the task’s objectives, in a way that leaves other areas of life lacking needed attention. Unchecked perfectionism creates an imbalanced life that can produce significant deficiencies.

Procrastination is different but can be related. You could spend an extra 2 hours cleaning your car because it allows you to delay an undesirable task (such as apologizing to your spouse).

The pure perfectionist finds satisfaction in the cleaning (for example) while not necessarily avoiding something else. Instead, the perfectionist seeks perfection to satisfy their desire for perfection. Sounds perfectly logical, doesn’t it?

The desire for perfection is okay. Nothing wrong there. Perfectionism becomes a “sickness” when it becomes obsessive or irrational. No person can hide that all of creation is under a curse–but that’s what a perfectionist tries to do. The time spent to bring order to one area of life means another area will suffer. When the effort becomes out of balance, life can become out of balance.

We took four months to paint our house. We kept up with our normal everyday tasks, but we cut out the non-essentials. I don’t think we could have shaved more time off of the project. I certainly didn’t want to have to paint it again. But I admit I’m somewhat of a perfectionist.

A desire for excellence is different but can be related. If perfectionism is over-compensating, then its opposite, negligence, is under-compensating. Both miss the mark. A perfectionist might call the negligent person “lazy.” Perhaps the lazy person has more fun?

The perfectionist doesn’t give up soon enough. The lazy person gives up too quickly. Somewhere in the middle is the pursuit of excellence. But even then the pursuit of excellence at some point must surrender to “it’s good enough for our purposes.” Every once in a while the perfectionist should ask, “Is there something more important I could be doing with my time? Has another task worked its way up to the top of my priority list?” Actually, those are the same questions a “lazy” person should ask, too. Although, I suspect they’d answer differently.

Perfectionism can also be expecting a higher standard than is necessary or possible at any given moment. The cost of missing the mark can be high.

The core questions are, “When is enough, enough?” and “When is not enough, not enough?” These are actually best left as deeply personal (subjective) questions. Keep in mind that all behavior (including lack of behavior) has consequences. Just because you’re fine showing up for work 30 minutes late most days, doesn’t mean you’re employer will agree.

Just because you’re fine to keep on sinning and pursue your own way of life, doesn’t mean God approves. God expects you to be perfect (holy), but He also provides the help you need to get there, which includes His infinitely loving patience. Thank God He is a lover of excellence and not a ruthless demander of instant perfection.

God’s love both accepts us as we are and motivates us to reach our full potential. Love wouldn’t be love without both. God sets the standard as high as Himself but then provides the ladder you need to reach it.

An unhealthy person might:

go for perfect foot placement on each rung and never reach the top.
climb all the way to the top but extend beyond the ladder too far and fall off in the process.
worry about how high the ladder goes and never start climbing.
look with hatred or mistrust at the person holding the ladder and walk away.
freeze during the climb, unable to continue up or down.
climb part of the way and jump off because the jumping is fun.
climb part of the way and fall off because climbing requires letting go of things considered to be too important.

Of course, I think you know the correct way to climb:

trust the ladder holder.
don’t look down.
don’t climb too fast or too slow.
focus on the ladder holder, not how high you have to go.
when the time is right, drop the heavy stuff that you don’t need anymore.
don’t wait until you are fearless to start climbing.

Sexual Abuse Devastates Identity

May 7, 2018 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: <1 minutes

I wrote an article for Darlene Harris, creator of And He Restoreth My Soul Project. Her goal is to provide healing resources for those caught in the crossfire of abuse.

If you suffer from the effects of abuse or know someone who does, this article explains the emotional and spiritual struggles of abuse and offers steps for recovery. Read Part I: Sexual Abuse Recovery From a Christian Perspective. Part II will be posted on May 14.