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3 Signs Of A Healthy Emotional Life

3 Signs Of A Healthy Emotional Life

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Reading time: 4 minutes

No one likes to feel pain but facing pain is the only way to a healthy emotional life. Everyone has some uncomfortable memories. It’s never fun to remember them, but it is rewarding. Those who don’t face them leave a minefield of suffering waiting to be triggered.

Here are three ways you can know you are emotionally healthy.

Healthy Sign #1: You Can Recall Memories From Various Ages

If you feel fine today, but don’t want to revisit memories because they are too painful, you aren’t as emotionally healthy as you could be.

I believe Jesus has access to all of His life experiences, including His years growing up as a child. God doesn’t forget anything (except perhaps our sin when He forgives). An emotionally healthy person can easily access important memories and can review them for encouragement. Even painfully traumatic memories, once healed, become a source of encouragement.

At any given moment you might want to gain encouragement from a memory that is related to what you are presently going through. It’s important that you have many such memories, even if they were nasty and are healed today, rather than only a minefield of pain.

The healing process involves scanning through your life to find the mines, disarm them, and plant something better like a tree. The more healing you have, the more you can look back and see a forest of encouragement. Even though the trees are from different times, you can see them as one forest–a place where you’d want to take a hike.

Healthy Sign #2: God is More Important than Anything or Anyone Else

If you value your job, parent, friend, spouse, pet, or anything else more than God, you aren’t as emotionally healthy as you could be.

The healthy person trusts God with their life. If you can’t trust God, you aren’t as emotionally healthy as you could be. Trauma can result in feeling betrayed by God. Why didn’t God prevent this horrible thing from happening?

Trusting others more than God is a sign of priorities being out of order. If you lose something you value more than God, it can create a barrier between you and God. In this case, you’ll be angry at God because He allowed you to lose.

But, there are some things you can never lose, if you can keep your trust (your faith) in God. When you trust God, life doesn’t have to be fair or even make sense for you to feel at peace. You’ll be at peace if you can let God do the heavy lifting regarding your quality of life.

God has a purpose for your life. It works out better if you can let Him evaluate your life. You can do the best you know how, but it’s up to God to use your efforts for His purposes.

Jesus soon saw a huge crowd of people coming to look for him. Turning to Philip, he asked, “Where can we buy bread to feed all these people?” He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.

Philip replied, “Even if we worked for months, we wouldn’t have enough money to feed them!”

Then Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up. “There’s a young boy here with five barley loaves and two fish. But what good is that with this huge crowd?”

“Tell everyone to sit down,” Jesus said. So they all sat down on the grassy slopes. (The men alone numbered about 5,000.) Then Jesus took the loaves, gave thanks to God, and distributed them to the people. Afterward he did the same with the fish. And they all ate as much as they wanted.

John 6:5-11 NLT

God already knows what He is going to do with your life.

Healthy Sign #3: You Know Who You Are

If you have to ask your spouse, ‘What’s my favorite _________?’, you aren’t as emotionally healthy as you could be.

To be healthy, you must know yourself. What opinions do you have? What do you like? What do you dislike?

To be healthy, you must be able to stand on your own, even when others seem to be against you. This has to include people who are supposed to be on your side. Sometimes, due to their own weakness, people will fail you.

But if you’ve done the work to heal and you’ve made God most important and you trust Him, you will survive the criticism, betrayal, and nastiness. Jesus did. So you can too.

Read more about trust.
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How To Live Worry Free

How to Live Worry Free

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Worry is an automatic behavior for many people. It’s an attempt to control something that cannot be controlled. Therefore, the more you worry, the more frustrated you’ll become.

There is plenty in life that happens against our wills, so there is plenty of opportunity to worry. In our wisdom, we don’t know what to try to prevent and what to allow. But God has perfect wisdom.

If worry is a behavior then it is also a choice. When a person is accustomed to worrying it might feel involuntary. That can happen when the belief system that allows worry is buried out of awareness.

Anxious worrying involves fear. What is worrying you? Is it more physical like health (fear of suffering) or finances (fear of powerlessness)? Maybe it is more personal like your worth (fear of rejection). Whatever it is, the underlying belief system has something to do with trust.

Ridding yourself of worry requires trusting God with the parts of life out of your control. The more you focus (without considering God) on what you can’t control, the more anxious you’ll become. The more you live in fear, the more discouraged you’ll become.

Encouragement is the Antidote to Worry

Anxious fear brings depression,
but a life-giving word of encouragement
can do wonders to restore joy to the heart.

Proverbs 12:25 TPT

The only way to live worry-free is to give up your attempts to control the outcomes of your life. This doesn’t mean giving up on trying to make a positive difference in this life. You can love God with everything you have, but still accept that this life rarely goes exactly how you want it to.

There’s always a greater reality beyond what you see immediately in front of you. Encouraging words never need to be empty promises. Whatever is encouraging must be based on a promise of God. Evil may appear to be winning during this life. Evil might look like it has defeated good, but God always has the final word. His voice brings victory.

The horse is made ready for the day of battle,
    but victory rests with the Lord.

Proverbs 21:31 NIV

Maybe you are caught up in fear. Maybe you aren’t allowing a life-giving word of encouragement to reach your heart. Maybe then you are putting too much hope into your own efforts. We can (and should) prepare for battle, but it is only because of God that we can win.

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 15:56-57 NIV

Living intentionally by telling God you want to be more hopeful. Agree that you want to open your heart to encouragement. Imagine God encouraging you. Which of the following would be most life-giving to you?

  • You are unconditionally loved.
  • You are safe and secure.
  • You are wanted in a relationship with me.
  • You are significant and valued.
  • You have a place in my kingdom-house.

Fortunately for us believers, all of the above are true. Then why don’t they often feel true?

Discouraging Wounds are Real, But God’s Encouraging Words are More Real

None of those statements require that your circumstances are always pleasant or desirable. They are spiritual truths more than they are facts fulfilled by this current life. Spiritual truths last forever; circumstances are temporary. Don’t confuse the two. When you believe your circumstances are forever and the truth is temporary, you will understandably be afraid. So if you’re struggling, ask yourself which way you’re believing.

Spiritual truths remain true, even when they don’t feel true. Who you are (all the good that God made you to be) remains true, even when you don’t feel good about yourself.

When terrible, painful things happen, we are supposed to feel sad, but not discouraged forever. If you lose a loved one, develop a serious medical condition, or face humiliating rejection, you will feel it, and you should.

No doubt that life circumstances can be obstacles to faith. No doubt there is plenty to be sad about. Just not sad forever. The reality of who God is brings joy to the heart.

Wounds are real, but what God has to say counts infinitely more. Open your heart to life-giving encouragement.

For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith.

1 John 5:4 NLT

Read more about trusting God.
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Last updated 2022/11/06

Coping Is Temporary But Healing Is Forever

Coping Is Temporary But Healing Is Forever

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Many people look for ways to cope with the pain they encounter. Coping is a good option in the short term but it’s a horrible option long term.

Coping Doesn’t Fix The Problem

Using coping skills is a good idea. Coping allows you to get through the day without becoming overwhelmed by the sensation of pain. But relying on coping as the solution is a mistake that only creates a bigger problem.

Coping numbs your pain. When you don’t feel your pain, you will feel relieved and maybe even hopeful. But coping, without a long-term solution, only produces a false sense of hope.

The world doesn’t have a solution to pain and suffering. Coping is its best attempt. Have you bought into its subtle message? The world tells us to focus on the pleasure we can experience today. Be greedy. As long as you feel good today, you don’t have to worry about tomorrow. You can’t do any better than maximizing your happiness each day.

But what if there is something even better than happiness that you’ll never experience if you follow the world’s advice?

Jesus said to not worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:25-34). So a worry-free life is the right approach. However, Jesus’ advice is radically different than the world’s. The reason believers shouldn’t worry is exactly the opposite of non-believers. God guarantees that believers have a hopeful future and non-believers have a hopeless future.

The real problem is that everybody is going to die physically and in the meantime, life can be confusing and gut-wrenchingly painful. Even coping can’t shut out this reality completely.

A hopeless future is unbearable, so it makes some sense to avoid its pain. If you’re not going to choose to follow Jesus, then coping is your next best option. But it’s not a solution and doesn’t even come close to what God offers.

Choose Healing Over Coping Whenever Possible

Everything you pursue, except eternal life through Jesus Christ, will leave you thirsty again. When you drink a glass of water, it only temporarily relieves your thirst. You will need more soon enough. But eternal life results from an endless supply of spiritual nourishment.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”

John 4:13-14 NLT

For Jesus’s truth to work for you, you need to be willing to give up feeling good all the time. If you’re feeling good while preoccupied with the pleasures of this life, you probably won’t develop a craving for Jesus water.

For those who follow Jesus, our best option is to face the pain now. We can face the pain because it grows our faith and allows healing. Facing the pain drives us to drink the water Jesus promises will satisfy us.

The bubbling spring is the Holy Spirit. The Spirit guides believers into all truth (John 16:13). The first step to receiving healing is to receive the truth.

Imagine you are walking in the wilderness. You are tired and hungry. You have a long way to go until you reach home. How do you feel?

How much difference would it make in your mood if you knew you were going to make it home sometime in the near future? In real life, the Holy Spirit is the one who whispers, “Keep going. You’re going to make it. Don’t give up!” Are you willing to receive this truth? If you can, the journey becomes easier mentally, even when it doesn’t become any easier physically.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Colossians 3:1-4 NLT

Read more about how people use addictions to cope.
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Supercharge Growth With 5 Therapy Goals

Supercharge Growth With 5 Therapy Goals

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Reading time: 4 minutes

People choose counseling to improve their lives. To grow requires completing the transition from childhood to adulthood. Children lack the ability or initiative to choose for themselves. True adults initiate decisions and learn from the consequences of their choices.

In all the years I’ve provided counseling to others, I’ve observed five core concepts that advance this growth process into adulthood.

Grow by Defining What is Meaningful

Whatever you are doing must be meaningful in some way. Another word for meaningful is worthwhile. So, here is a good question to explore: What makes your life worth living?

If you are unhappy with life, maybe it’s because you aren’t paying attention to what you find meaningful. Life is short; you might as well spend it in the most meaningful way possible.

Whatever problems you are facing, try taking a step back from them, then refocus on what would make life worth living.

Grow by Learning to be Self-Directed

One way to measure maturity is to look at how internally motivated you are. But before you can be self-directed, you first need to be self-aware.

To be internally motivated means to have as your end goal becoming true to who God made you to be. For this, you need to know what you were created for. Then, you can direct your activity in the most efficient way possible to reach your goals.

External motivation is the opposite; it has the potential to create internal or external conflict. That’s because the motivation to act comes from someone else who doesn’t know what it is like to be you.

An extreme example of this might be the now infamous If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about. People don’t like to be told what to do, at least not without having the opportunity to evaluate the options for themselves.

Children aren’t mature enough to be internally motivated. They don’t know themselves, so they can’t be the best decisions for themselves. Instead, they must rely on their parents. Unfortunately, parents don’t always know what is best either. Responsible people grow in their ability to make their own decisions.

Grow by Learning Your Abilities

Self-awareness grows with age when people invest the time to learn how God made them. You have strengths that God intends for you to use for the good of His kingdom. To grow in your identity, you must be able to see what you already have–your abilities–and strengthen them.

Grow by Learning Your Wounds

Another area for self-awareness is to understand how you have been hurt. To grow in your identity, you must also be able to see what is missing–your wounds–and approach God to allow Him to make up for what you have lost. You can heal if you can replace or replenish what you never received in the first place.

Grow by Purifying Your Desires

Desires are one way that people are different from any other aspect of creation, whether we consider other living creatures like animals or inanimate objects like computers or robots.

What you desire becomes your motivation. Desires can be life-giving, corrupt, or somewhere in between. They can lead you down a productive path or a destructive path. Therefore, it’s important to be self-aware of your longings.

Most of the time, what you want isn’t bad in itself. Usually, the problem is with what you’d be willing to sacrifice to gain what you want. The story of Cain and Able is a simple, but extreme, example.

“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

Genesis 4:6-7 NLT

Cain wanted acceptance. Instead of the right path of seeking God, he chose the destructive path of killing his brother. Corrupt desires lead to destruction. But purified desires make a person unstoppable in pursuing God’s will.

The ability to discern what type of desire you are dealing with takes time to develop. First, you must desire to know about your desires. Then you must sort through your valid longings and sinful longings to know the difference. Valid longings are those you can express but they also require the patience to let them be met as God sees fit. Sinful longings are destructive when they become a demand that must be met immediately.

People might want to eat a sandwich, but can they wait in line until it is their turn? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to eat, but what about the person who is willing to push people aside, or even kill them, to get to the front of the line?

Most people wouldn’t go to such an extreme. Yet many people will go to the opposite extreme. They might leave the line altogether, believing they are unworthy of good things, and so starve themselves of the very things that God wants them to have.

Seek to understand your longings and have God purify your desires. If you need help with any of this, consider a Christian counselor.

Learn more about desires.
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Addiction Is About Control

Addiction Is About Control

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Reading time: 4 minutes

What is your definition of addiction? If you are trying to break free from an addiction, it’s easier to focus more on the object of desire such as food, alcohol, or sex than the internal workings of your mind. This denial of what is really going on is another core trait of an addict. In fact, addictions often start because we don’t want to focus on ourselves–specifically the pain we’re going through.

Addiction is over-reliance on creation in an attempt to cope with (or control or manage) anything undesirable. Coping is seen as positive in pop psychology. However, it’s more of a quick fix than a permanent solution. Coping should be what people do until a solution is available and they are ready to pursue it.

Coping without hope is just making someone comfortable. As Christians, we know there is always a reason to hope, so focusing on comfort further hides the solution. If you don’t trust a better future is coming, you have less strength to endure unfortunate events. The best you might be able to do is pretend it doesn’t matter so you can, at least, derive greater pleasure at the moment.

Coping with hope is waiting for a real fix. As Christians, we can face our suffering because we already have the fix. We’re just waiting for it to take full effect (when we pass on to the next life). Our coping and hoping is not in vain.

Addiction Avoids Discomfort

If you’re addicted, ask yourself, “What does my addictive behavior help me avoid?” You are probably trying to avoid seeing your own brokenness. But brokenness can be buried beneath layers of discomfort and bitterness.

It’s one thing to say, “I’m angry because I didn’t get the job I applied for.” But it’s another altogether to admit, “I didn’t get the job because I didn’t work hard enough at my previous job.” Or maybe, “I think God is trying to tell me I have to work on being more responsible before I get the job I want.”

We tend to vastly overestimate our ability to control outcomes. Forming an addition is tempting because it provides the solution we’re looking for (reduced pain). The real problem then is that we aren’t looking for the right solution (character growth).

Addiction Focuses On Pleasure

How does anyone avoid discomfort? It’s beneficial to resolve pain. God gives us pain so that we will make corrections.

The wrong way to manage pain is to simply turn off the registration of the pain. If you step on a nail but don’t feel it, you’ll probably further damage your foot. You want to feel pain that screams, “Address this problem now!” But then, after you register the hurt and are committed to correcting the injury, it’s humane to seek relief.

Feeling pleasant body sensations is only going to help for a short time. It’s possible to be in significant distress but experience an overall sense of peace. Knowing that whatever you’re going through is temporary–that’s the highest degree of comfort.

Seek relief, but only after you’re committed to God’s solution.

Addiction Ignores Identity

All addicts struggle with an identity crisis. They can’t trust who they really are. They can’t trust God. They can’t believe their pain is temporary.

All of us are recovering addicts. We want to control the immediate discomfort. We can become weary of waiting for the eternal solution to become reality.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9 NIV

So what is a person to do? First, if you’re struggling with some form of addiction, you can become aware of what you are trying to control. Write it down. Tell someone about it. What pain does your behavior cover-up?

If you’re eating or drinking too much, that’s a superficial problem. Controlling your consumption, all by itself, doesn’t address the core problem. Forcing yourself to diet might help you lose weight. You might even look and feel better.

There could be a missed opportunity if you never explore the underlying reason why you chose dysfunctional eating habits in the first place. The opposite of control is to release or surrender.

What are you trying to control, that is creating addictive behavior, that instead, you could surrender to God?

Read Be Imperfect But Live Strong Anyway for more on brokenness and life balance.
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Use Your Inspiring Identity For Good

Use Your Inspiring Identity For Good

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Reading time: 6 minutes

Your identity is God’s gift to you so you can enjoy God and His creation. God also made you for others’ benefit. So, what good is your identity if you keep it hidden?

No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.

Matthew 5:15 NLT

This verse made its way into a children’s song: This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. Hide it under a bushel? No!

Everyone is made in God’s image. Believers have the Holy Spirit as a permanent dwelling companion. This qualifies all believers to come out of hiding. You have a light to shine.

Are You Afraid of Your Own Identity?

Often though, people are afraid of what will happen if they stay true to who they are.

  • I can’t tell my husband how I really feel. It would hurt his feelings.
  • I can’t take that promotion. Mark has worked here longer than I have.
  • I can’t tell my friend I don’t want to be in her wedding.
  • I can’t tell my neighbor his dog is too loud.

If you aren’t living up to your God-given potential, then you aren’t fulfilling God’s plan for your life. Likewise, if you aren’t being emotionally honest, you are minimizing your impact because of shame, or fear of rejection.

What you say or do will have an impact on someone. That’s what it means to be a person. You can’t be a healthy person and avoid that. God intends for you to use your identity to make a difference in the lives of others. But this can only be done without pretense.

Yet, many people struggle with being genuine. This is understandable because the problem of what to reveal to others can be complicated. While we all need a place where we can be as transparent as we need to be, there are also times when the people in our lives aren’t ready for it.

Do You Respect Others’ Identities?

What if being who we are would cause someone else pain? Paul addresses this in the context of faith.

Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall. You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right.

Romans 14:13,22 NLT

There are situations where God would have us keep our convictions to ourselves. We aren’t supposed to force our convictions onto another believer. We aren’t supposed to condemn or judge another believer in areas left to personal opinion.

While everyone has an ideal identity, we are all works in progress. In some areas, your friend might have a weaker understanding of their identity in Christ. In other areas, you might not understand the freedom that you have.

Even for ourselves, if we have doubts about a particular belief or action, we should seek clarity before taking action. God wants to act according to the faith we have. Faith is the road one must travel in order to please God (Romans 12:3, Hebrews 11:6).

For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.

Romans 14:23 ESV

To further complicate matters, perhaps, as a child, you heard your parent tell you:

If you don’t have anything nice to say, it’s better to not say anything at all.

And, Jesus says that we are to:

Treat others how you would want them to treat you (Luke 6:31).

Can You Act With a Confident Identity?

How then can a person follow these seemingly opposing principles:

  • Be emotionally honest with what is in your heart.
  • Don’t cause others to stumble.

The right approach is determined by:

  1. Who you talk to
  2. How you tell them and how much you tell them
  3. What the consequences are for speaking or remaining silent

There’s a difference between staying true to your identity and condemning someone because of your beliefs. God wants you to be true to Him first, then true to yourself. But He also commands us to not pass judgment on someone because of their convictions (Romans 14:3).

Condemning someone for their beliefs is outsides the bounds of the authority God gives us. It’s up to God to approve or disapprove (Romans 14:4). But sharing your heart within an intimate relationship such as marriage is another situation entirely. Emotional healing can take place only when we share transparently what is in our hearts.

Suppose a person is married with children. This person feels stress from being a parent to young children. If you were this person, what could you do to stay true to your identity while not harming others? Evaluate the situation by determining the context.

  1. Who: Expecting young children to understand stress is unrealistic and it could burden them with something that isn’t their responsibility or problem. Instead, you can talk to your spouse, friend, or counselor.
  2. How: Tell your children in non-blaming age-appropriate language. “I need a break. Your grandparents are going to watch you for a while.”
  3. What: This comes down to how stressed you are. If a good night’s rest will take care of it, then maybe you don’t need to do anything else.

Suppose instead that you aren’t feeling attracted to your spouse anymore. What could you do?

  1. Who: Expecting your spouse to listen to your feelings about this is reasonable and necessary to improve the relationship. Are they in a position to handle it right now? Speak to them directly if possible, otherwise temporarily consider a friend or counselor.
  2. How: Be clear and sincere. If you want a better relationship realize it can take time to work through all the issues. It’s important to stay committed to the process. Seek to understand and be understood before you seek a solution.
  3. What: Silence doesn’t seem like an option. How can you have a fulfilling, intimate relationship if you can’t be honest? It’s the honesty that can lead to greater intimacy.

The key to resolving difficult scenarios like these is to realize that honesty is the first step in finding a resolution. Other people can’t help with your problems if they don’t know about them. Yes, they might not always like what you are saying, but hiding the problem is never a helpful strategy. Shame is a problem; hiding can feel better, but finding acceptance is the solution.

Hiding denies the problem which only allows it to grow. Facing the problem, with faith, God’s help, and others’ help might be unpleasant at first, but it always allows for the best possible outcome.

Allowing others to see you as you really are will be a priceless gift. If done with humility, it can inspire hope because of the testimony of how God will be able to heal your heart.

Read more about the hope of emotional healing.
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