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Maturity Requires Radical Breakthrough Change

Maturity Requires Radical Breakthrough Change

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Maturity is that process we all go through but also resist. We want the benefits of maturity but not the required labor. The good news is that the sooner you start the process, the less work you have to do later in life.

Start children off on the way they should go,
    and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6 NIV

This proverb is stated in the positive, but it can be equally true for the negative. Whatever we learn early in life, even if negative, can be extremely difficult to change. That’s because whatever we experience early and regularly becomes normal. In this context, normal is like cement. It’s not indestructible, but it takes a lot of work to remove and replace it.

God places in our hearts a desire for meaning and purpose. We can look at life and draw conclusions and form understandings. Inevitably, we will have the opportunity to realize we have developed a distorted worldview. Then, even if it would result in a better, more true worldview, we’d still rather not go through the disorientation of blowing up our old one. So we can stubbornly resist change which is only good if we got it right the first time.

Maturity Requires Love and Discipline

God creates each person with a unique identity. We start with this potential predetermined. But a person’s environment can confuse or conceal a person’s true identity. You can think you are one way (such as worthless), but in reality, you are not (you are valuable).

Parents have a significant degree of influence over their children. There are many different skills needed to be good at parenting, but we will only look at love and expectations. Love can also be the quality of a relationship. Expectations can also be the degree of discipline.

If love and discipline can take on values of low or high, this simplifies parenting styles into 4 categories:

  1. Low Love and Low Discipline = Neglectful Parenting
  2. High Love and Low Discipline = Indulgent Parenting
  3. Low Love and High Discipline = Performance Parenting
  4. High Love and High Discipline = Optimal Parenting

Each parenting style will tend to create a particular worldview:

  1. Neglectful Parenting -> Lost Child
  2. Indulgent Parenting -> Spoiled Child
  3. Performance Parenting -> Perfectionistic Child
  4. Optimal Parenting -> Mature Child

If you are reading this, chances are you are already an adult. The cement probably dried a long time ago. But it’s never too late to improve upon your worldview. What will it take to see significant improvement?

Maturity for the Lost

Someone who has experienced little love (grace, nurture, encouragement, support) and little discipline (correction, structure, firm boundaries) can feel lost. So much is missing that is essential to understanding the person’s God-given identity.

The message parents send: Figure out life on your own.

These people need more love initially and then need to have discipline gradually introduced.

Maturity for the Spoiled

Someone who has experienced a good amount of nurture, but little discipline can feel entitled. This person’s worldview could be something like: So far, everyone has made life too easy, so why shouldn’t it continue that way?

The message parents send: You don’t have to pull any weight. I’ll do it for you.

These people need to learn that God designed them to carry their own weight and also to help others who genuinely need help.

Maturity for the Perfectionistic

Someone who has experienced a good amount of discipline, but little nurture can come to believe self-worth is based on performance. This person’s worldview could be something like: I am only valuable when I perform exceptionally well on my responsibilities.

The message parents send: Pull your weight and everybody else’s too.

These people need to learn that God never meant for them to over-extend themselves.

Maturity for the Mature

Someone who has experienced a good amount of nurture and discipline is probably relatively mature. This person’s worldview is likely positive and balanced: I can love myself and love others, even if it means some suffering on my part.

The message parents send: Pull the weight you were designed to pull.

Hopefully, you can see that only Jesus is able to fully love Himself, God, and others. No parent is perfect. Jesus didn’t have perfect earthly parents, but He did have a complete connection with God.

You can’t be perfect, but you can mature over time and follow God’s calling to be more like Jesus.

Read more about seeing reality clearly.
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Suffer For The Right Reasons

Suffer For The Right Reasons

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Reading time: 4 minutes

God works out everything for the good of those who love Him. But in the midst of suffering, those words from Romans 8:28 can feel trite. God wants us not to repay evil for evil. The person that can achieve this will demonstrate that God is real (1 Peter 3:15). That’s because the ability to respond to evil with kindness can only come from God.

However, the right response doesn’t always mean continuing to allow someone to take advantage of you. There are times when it makes sense to move out of harm’s way and times when God calls us to suffer for His purposes.

Appropriate Suffering Advances God’s Kingdom

When God expects us to endure suffering, there is always a purpose with eternal consequences. Enduring hardship for the right reasons allows God’s purposes to come to fruition. Because of sin, we live in a world where doing the right thing often results in suffering:

  • we don’t feel better and might even feel worse
  • we don’t get what we want and might even feel miserable
  • our immediate living (on this earth) might seem unproductive (by this world’s definition)

Jesus has an extremely difficult teaching for us. God’s kingdom is more important than any happiness or satisfaction you can derive from this life.

There are many different paths people can walk on in life. But there is only one kind of path that takes you to a desirable destination. It is the path of suffering and growth. This path is undesirable because it is difficult to walk. Choosing this path is counter-intuitive. It’s the right path, but it will feel wrong because it’s impossible to walk it without suffering.

The other paths appear much more desirable and are much easier to walk. In fact, there may even lead to a long period of ease and pleasure. But there is a catch: the journey is easy, but the destination is undesirable. What good is an easy path if it only takes you to an accursed destination?

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Matthew 7:13-14 NIV

Needless Suffering Only Contributes to Evil

Hopefully, I have made the case that suffering is necessary and natural some of the time–when it is directly connected to keeping your faith in Jesus and your witness to Him.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 5:11-12 NIV

But there are probably even more ways we all suffer needlessly. There is no reason to allow suffering to continue in any of the following circumstances.

  • The suffering does not advance God’s purposes
  • The adversity only harms or confuses the person being hurt (such as when a child is abused). The person does not have the capacity to endure the suffering without loss of personal integrity.
  • Pure evil is causing the torment, so there is no way that tolerating it will soften a heart.

In any of these kinds of situations, do all that you can to prevent or stop the suffering. Don’t embrace pain if you don’t have to. God’s will is not to suffer needlessly. But it is God’s will that you walk the path that leads to life, which often involves some heartache to accomplish God’s kingdom work.

For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

1 Peter 3:17 NIV

Finally, remember that even though the right path has many difficulties and obstacles, it is still the only sane path (all other paths lead to destruction), and God guarantees that once you start on the path, you will reach the glorious destination (heaven).

The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;

Psalm 34:19 NIV

Read more about avoiding needless suffering.
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How To Grow More Confident

How To Grow More Confident

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Who wants to be confident? Everybody does That’s because possessing confidence means you have resilience, reliability, and strength. We are all familiar with what its opposite involves: self-doubt, insecurity, and discouragement. The cost of a lack of confidence is high.

So, why aren’t more people brimming over with confidence? Because it comes with a price. Are you willing to endure whatever it takes to gain this sense of peace and security?

To become strong, you first need to be more fully in touch with the ways you are weak. How aware are you of how you are doing emotionally? Fortunately, there is a shortcut to finding and building your endurance and confidence.

Listen To Your Body To Grow Confident

When I go running for more than a few minutes, my focus changes. As fatigue sets in, I have to motivate myself to keep going. I become more aware of the finish line. How much farther do I have to go? Will I be able to make it without stopping?

Fatigue can result in discouragement or you can allow it to produce a determination to keep going. When I become fatigued while running, it’s nearly impossible not to notice the strain on my body. But what is more interesting is how my physical health and my emotional health are linked.

God made our brains to store similar experiences together. Running triggers my brain to focus on the theme of whatever is desperately concerning me. When my body protests because of the physical strain, my brain brings my most serious emotional concerns into my awareness. I become flooded with what matters most to me. The thoughts can be obstacles on my path to a life well-lived.

Test Your Limits To Grow Confident

To grow in endurance, you have to test your limits. The testing identifies weak areas that need strengthening. Growth is stressful, usually requiring an upfront investment for a future payoff. Growth costs you your immediate state of relaxation.

When we can trust God with this process, the value of the reward far exceeds the stress.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Romans 5:1-5 NLT

God is saying your problems and trials lead to a satisfying, secure, and confident hope. The development of character is the proof of your salvation–your entrance into heaven and eternal life. Furthermore, a heart full of love has no room for fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18 NIV

The next time you want to feel better, try wearing yourself out exercising (or whatever works for you). Then note what surfaces in your mind. That could be an area of weakness that God is working on so you can feel more confident.

We can see life as a painful struggle, but God sees it as endurance training. And endurance results in many good things such as peace, confidence, and character.

Read more about confidence.
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Last Edited 2023/01/29

Proactively Pull Triggers to Prevent Pushing Buttons

Proactively Pull Triggers to Prevent Pushing Buttons

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I have been triggered. You pushed my buttons.

Why are you angry so often? Stop doing things that make me angry.

How often do you hear or say these phrases? Being triggered has the idea of releasing a trap. Unresolved emotional wounds are like a set trip wire. When someone stumbles across the wire, it creates an unpleasant chain reaction.

After becoming triggered, some people spiral inward. They become deeply discouraged. Others spiral outward. They attack whoever is closest to them. The Bible has some helpful alternatives.

Be Responsible for your Triggers

Whether a person accidentally or on purpose trips your trigger, you are fully responsible for your behaviors. In the moment, it might seem like the other person is responsible. After all, everything was fine until they came along. But the condition of your heart is your responsibility. God wants each of us to accept responsibility and work toward becoming more confident in who we are.

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:5 ESV

The more confidence people have, the less they depend on others for happiness. Or, put another way: the more people depend on God for happiness, the more confident they will be, no matter how others behave.

Most people don’t set traps for other people. But just by existing, we have vulnerabilities that can result in strong reactions for even small offenses. Being triggered means that a weakness has been exposed. When it happens spontaneously, it can catch a person off guard. This can result in a swift protective cover-up.

No one likes to feel ashamed. Shame is a feeling resulting from a belief that you are defective and there is no cure.

Instead of waiting for someone to come along and step on your toes, why not proactively take care of your emotional wounds? Some vulnerability is good, allowing people to be close to other people and God. But other vulnerabilities can make you an easy target. You can take steps to disarm your triggers by becoming increasingly aware of your weaknesses.

Be Aware of Others’ Buttons

No one is perfect. Most people are doing the best they can, not trying to intentionally lay a trap for you. Even so, stumbling into someone else’s ignorance, sin, or foolishness probably will not be a pleasant experience. Know your limitations, but also be aware of others’ limits. Just because something isn’t your fault, doesn’t mean it won’t be excruciatingly painful or difficult.

It is safer to meet a bear robbed of her cubs
    than to confront a fool caught in foolishness.

Proverbs 17:12 NLT

Even when people are trying their best, they can make a mess of things. You can be involved, but you should be prepared to manage the consequences of your involvement.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:1-2 ESV

The problem may originate with someone else, but it can quickly become your problem too. The more you are capable of letting go of the offense, the more you will keep yourself free from the trap.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8 ESV

No one owes you anything, at least not in any way that you can practically enforce it. Anything good we have is ultimately a gift from God. No matter how you become hurt, whether by your sin or another’s, only God has the power to heal you.

Read more about triggers.
What does 1 Peter 4:8 mean?
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Transform Fake Happiness Into Genuine Joy

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Reading time: 3 minutes

You can only be conscious of a few things at any one time. But there are many thoughts and feelings that live beneath the surface. The important ones will attempt to surface, especially the negative and painful ones. Chances are, you’re not excited about allowing them to surface. That’s why you might choose fake happiness instead of genuine joy.

To explain the problems with this situation, I like to use the analogy of a child and a parent. The child wants to express the pain and be comforted. The rational-focused parent says, “not now, I’m busy.” There is definitely a need for the rational parent, because most of the time, it’s not practical or healthy to let a complaining child have full control.

However, “not now” can easily become “never.” It’s easy to procrastinate when uncomfortable feelings are pushing their way to the surface. A balance is needed. The head (the parent) should remain in control, but the head should provide the needed time for the heart (the child) to share its concerns.

Without time to express feelings, a person will become more and more compartmentalized. A small to moderate amount of compartmentalization is helpful when it’s time to be a responsible adult. But the deeper a memory is buried with passing time, the easier it becomes to believe the memory isn’t a part of the real you. And, that’s a dangerous position to be in.

Your personal history shouldn’t be erased because doing so will increase the likelihood of repeating your mistakes. If you can’t remember what you already tried, including how it turned out, you may be doomed to repeat history. Instead, there is another option: transform your personal history through healing and forgiveness.

Everything that happens to you provides an opportunity for you to identify and understand who you are. If you attempt to ignore your memories, you will lose a part of yourself in the process. Every time this happens, you become a little less authentic. That is because buried negative experiences continue to leak lies into your self-image. They poison your self-worth. To heal you must bring the truth in contact with your experiences.

If your primary goal is to be happy, then you might choose to ignore unhappy thoughts and feelings. But this will only lead to the need to invest increased amounts of energy to keep up the appearance of being happy. You’ll have to fake it, and, unless something else changes, there’s no way to “fake it until you make it.” You can’t fake your way into genuine joy.

When you fake your happiness around other people, you’ll likely suffer greater depression when you are once again alone. The size of your problem hasn’t necessarily grown. But you will experience it as more painful because you haven’t been able to share your true feelings with another person.

Happiness will endure so long as your circumstances are positive. The minute you experience a setback, your negative feelings will attempt to surface. However, when you learn how to work through difficult feelings, you learn how to maintain joy regardless of your circumstances.

Compartmentalization is an avoidance technique. It produces an immediate strength to get you through the moment, but left in place, it results in permanent weakness. It’s similar to accepting a numbing agent when you have surgery or dental work. You miss out on the sharp pain while you correct the problem. But it would be dangerous to your health to remain numb forever. Likewise, if fixing the problem is too easy, you might let yourself fall into the same trap again.

As you feel pain in life, try to remain aware of it. Include God in your awareness. You can bring the “child” to the “parent” for true healing. In order to grow stronger and healthier, you must give God access to the weakest, most vulnerable parts of yourself.

If you want to become joyful, make time to be completely honest about how you feel about what has happened in your life. Ask God to help you see the truth.

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Is Your Forgiveness Incomplete?

Forgiveness

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Reading time: 3 minutes

What is Forgiveness Good For?

Forgiveness is the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit. It heals conflict within people, between people, and between people and God. Forgiveness removes bitterness, a cancerous blockage that infects and destroys people and relationships. Forgiveness and healing go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Failure to forgive is often the main obstacle to moving forward in freedom. “Forgive” can be broken down into “give for”. God gives to us, we give to others, and others give to us.

What Forgiveness Is

  • Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them (to cancel a debt you have to know the fullness of the damage)
  • Choosing to keep no records of wrong (the debt has to die and not be resurrected later)
  • Refusing to punish (punishing creates more hurt and usually can’t bring back what you lost)
  • Relinquishing any debt (no longer expecting repaying)
  • Not telling what they did (not gossiping)
  • Being merciful (because God is merciful)
  • Absence of bitterness (this only denies that God cares about you)
  • Looking to God to make things right by bringing healing and making repayment as He sees fit

What Forgiveness is Not

  • Approval of what was done to you (it is possible to cancel a debt and still see the truth of its wrongness)
  • Excusing what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Justifying what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Pardoning what they did (this is a counterfeit because the hurt is not really confronted)
  • Reconciliation of the relationship (forgiveness enables this, but does not guarantee it)
  • Denying what they did (essentially the same as pardoning)
  • Forgetting (it is possible to remember but not be bitter if you have truly experienced healing)
  • Refusing to take the wrong seriously (this is minimizing it)
  • Pretending you are not hurt (this is not honest)

Reflections on Forgiveness

He who cannot forgive another breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.
– George Herbert

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
– C.S. Lewis

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
– Leo Tolstoy

The most powerful agent of growth and transformation is something much more basic than any technique: a change of heart.
– John Welwood

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
– Dr. Robert Anthony

Nothing is easy to the unwilling.
– Thomas Fuller

Resources on Forgiveness

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compelling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer
Heavenly Father, I choose as an act of my will to forgive [person]. I forgive [person] for [list of specific offenses]. I release [person]. I ask you to forgive [person] for all these things as well and that you do not hold these things against [person] on my account.

Heavenly Father, I ask you to forgive me for holding unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, etc., in my heart towards [person]. I receive your forgiveness and cleansing of my heart from all unrighteousness.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for holding resentment towards you and for allowing these hurts to happen to me. If I have any more negative feelings stored up in me towards [person], I ask you to cleanse them from me now. I open myself to replace these negative emotions with the fruit of your Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience…)

Heavenly Father, I ask you now to heal the wounded places in my soul. Heal every memory of those offenses so I can look back on them, realistically accepting they were hurtful, and trusting you have healed the hurt. Enable me to use this experience to help others with whom I come into contact.

Heavenly Father, bless [person] with your abundant mercy. Prosper [person] in every way. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

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Last updated 2022/11/20