Insights

Commitment to Growth

A successful marriage requires two people committed to self-growth. Self-growth is a way of life which includes regular reflection on how to close the gap between who you are and who you want to be (who God made you to be). But even when your partner does not share your enthusiasm for growth, it does not limit you in any way from growing. You can achieve success in life without having a successful marriage. If your partner is not participating this does not excuse you from continuing your own growth. This is confusing for many. Actually when your partner is not participating, it is the perfect time to see how much you’ve grown. Of course, it is more difficult to be in a marriage when you are the only one wanting to improve the relationship. The trick is knowing what you are responsible for.

Some tasks require two people. Imagine you are working in your yard and there is a pile of rocks you want to move. Some rocks you can move by yourself; others are big enough requiring two people. When you are working alone, how long should you try to move the two-person rocks? Would you think of yourself as a failure because you cannot move the two-person rocks and finish the job alone? If your partner is not with you, then no one, include God, expects you to finish the job. You are not responsible for the outcome. You are only responsible for what you can complete with the strength God provides. When your partner is helping, more is expected than when you are working alone.

Growing Together is a Choice

Couples who commit to growth choose to have a better marriage. As a counselor, I frequently hear couples tell me, “We have grown apart. We feel little for each other. We are like roommates who do not see each other much. The love is gone from our marriage.” It is an attempt to prove their marriage is dead and divorce is the only realistic option. This is nothing less than a decision to abandon a spouse for failure to grow. For these couples, there comes a time when someone says, “I cannot do this any longer.” Most of the time what is really being said is, “I choose to not do this any longer. The effort required to grow under these circumstances is not worth it to me.”

Growth is a constant need for all – all who are considered “among the living”. Growth keeps us alive. Those who are not growing are tired – their enthusiasm for life is fading. When both partners are truly growing then it is impossible to grow apart – instead they will be growing in mature love and it will keep them together. When a couple says they are “growing apart” can the couple really say they are growing? All they can say is they do not want to grow enough to stay married. If someone experiences complete satisfaction, there is no reason to seek more. And without seeking more, there is no growth. No one can say, “I’ve maxed out on growth”. But there are seasons to change. There are times in life when we have more energy and God’s grace to change. At other times we are weak and want only what is easiest.

Ladder of Acceptance

Seeking instant gratification profits little because the goals are so small. Seeking ones own pleasure requires little if any discipline and sacrifice and does not result in lasting pleasure or hope. Eventually it becomes tiresome. Making changes to stop living in the short-term requires determination and a high tolerance for postponing hunger for immediate satisfaction. For longer lasting pleasure and hope, we must choose larger goals and desires that take more time and effort to reach fulfillment.

I call this process climbing the ladder of change. There are at least four rungs:

• I don’t want to change. I only want what will bring the most immediate satisfaction.
• I don’t want to change. But I am realizing seeking immediate gratification does not bring lasting satisfaction. Whatever I do to feel better wears off quickly and I am left with all the same problems. I would like to be less selfish, but I don’t know how to make that happen. So I continue seeking my pleasure to cover over the pain.
• My spouse soaks up any love I give and offers nothing in return. It is like I am giving to a black hole.
• I realize it is best to change. The Bible teaches I should look to others’ interests. More often than not, I continue to seek immediate satisfaction. Some of the time I am able to seek other’s best interest.
• I am excited about the idea of not just living for myself, but in giving of myself to others. Growth is satisfying. While at times I seek my own pleasure, I also regularly seek other’s best interest.

A Little More Every Day

Growth is essential for life. Growth is essential for a marriage. Growth cannot be rushed nor forced. We need a lifetime or more to get love right. Regardless of your place in life (married or single), develop a love for growth. Realizing your need for growth will keep you sober, and allow both you and your partner space to grow.

Notice the little changes your partner makes. Praise and encourage their efforts. Find your own way of coping when your partner is not available and cooperating. Remove dependence on your partner’s ability to change for your own happiness. When your partner cannot meet your needs, take care of yourself by finding legitimate ways to meet your needs without pressuring your partner. Then bring your new found growth back to share with your partner! How do we grow better at marriage? You will always come out ahead if you grow a little every day by God’s grace.

Reflections

You will change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of making a change.

It takes more effort to stop growing than to keep growing.

Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves.

James Allen

Resources

2 Peter 3:18
But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Sheltering or Suffering

Marriage is not “until one of us cannot take it anymore”. It’s until death do us part. Unfortunately too many people rationalize their way out of their commitment when their circumstances change. It is at this point a person’s dependence on their partner is revealed. The subtle “I deserve better than this” awakens and begs to be released from the promise. What happens when we look to a relationship for more than it can provide? It becomes an idol.

If pursued according to God’s design, marriage will be a shelter protecting husband, wife, children, and maybe even others. But, to a struggling couple, marriage can be like a tomb. Have you ever felt like the walls were closing in on you? Have you ever thought, “How can we possibly live under the same roof?” A conflicted couple will start to feel their relationship is suffocating rather than sheltering. The air is stale. Breathing is arduous.

Your Marriage Reflects Your Focus

When marriage becomes a place of suffering, momentum can keep you spiraling down. If you continue to focus on what is going wrong, you will lose sight of all that is positive. One way to stop the downward momentum is accept an honest assessment of your situation.

Underneath the suffering there can be a dependence on your spouse for your happiness. You think, “Marriage is supposed to make me happy,” or “Marriage is supposed to meet my unmet needs.” The problem with this is when the marriage does not meet your expectations, it is convenient to conclude the marriage is defective and must be discarded. Focusing on what isn’t there doesn’t replenish positives. If you focus on what is not happening the way you want it to happen, it will slowly consume you to where you are imprisoned in an unhappy marriage – because you are unhappy. You might begin to think, “I have got to get out at all costs.”

I Have What it Takes

Where there are difficulties it is nice to think you can make up the difference. But, sometimes loving another person is like trying to squeeze water from a rock. Have you ever felt discouraged because you did not have it in you to love a difficult person? Have you felt things like:

• If I could do such and such, then my partner would be happy and our relationship would get better.
• I’d be better off giving to someone who appreciates my efforts.
• My spouse soaks up any love I give and offers nothing in return. It is like I am giving to a black hole.
• I can love you out of your deficiencies – and then you will be able to love me in return.
• I cannot love you; I am a failure.

It is hard to face you are not enough for your partner. It leads to feeling insecure. Actually this is a good sign because God never intended for you to have what it takes. Where you go next is critical. When you realize you cannot love your partner, will you look to God for help?

Escalation

By the time a marriage is failing, it is taking place increasingly as a closed system. A closed system has increased panic and decreased rational thinking. We focus on our survival to the point of eliminating anyone or anything standing in our way. When two are responsible, and you realize you do not have the resources to make it work, it is easy to blame your partner for failure. With fixed resources, two alone cannot sustain each other. It puts too much pressure on one person to meet the needs of the other.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to cause it to fail. But likewise, it only takes one to cause you to fail. That you is you! It is possible to focus too much on marital success. A lack of progress does not equal failure. When you care more about the success of your marriage for the sake of its benefit than your partner’s wellbeing, you’ve lost before you’ve begun. People abanondon their partner when they do not want to go down with a sinking ship. In a panic they cut the line which tethers them to their partner. But instead of catching their breath and diving after their partner, they walk (or run) away. Cutting the line does not have to mean abandoning – it can mean removing unhealthy dependence which will breathe new life into a marriage.

Letting God In

In a closed system the pain of the relationship cannot escape. The pain can only be passed back and forth. Marriage is not supposed to be an “us two alone in this together”. In the midst of intense emotional struggling, it is difficult to identify other options beyond the immediate relief of giving in (okay we will do whatever you want) or giving up (I cannot take it anymore). But there are other options to consider. Have you really tried trusting that you’ll be okay even when your marriage is struggling? Do you believe God is with you no matter how your spouse is behaving?

Letting God in means there is another source beyond your partner. It means accepting what your partner can give and looking to God to provide the rest. You will not die if your marriage is struggling. When relying on God, your survival does not depend on your marriage; instead you have the freedom to contribute new life to your marriage. God is the vine. Read John 15:1-17 and consider if there are any ways you are inappropriately leaning on your spouse.

Reflections

Marriages are always moving from one season to another. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter–discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer–comfortable, relaxed, enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature.

GARY D. CHAPMAN

Resources

John 15:5
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Parable of the Sower

In Matthew 13, Jesus shares the Parable of the Sower. Jesus used the parable to speak about a person’s receptivity to God’s words. Let’s consider how God’s words apply to marriage. The four types of soil in the parable match up with four types of relationships.

On the Path: Conflicted Couple

Jesus makes it clear that the path is literally the hardest place to be. In marriage, when both people’s hearts are hard, look out, because they will either tear each other apart, or be so disengaged that no relationship exists. Either way, the result is a barren (unfruitful) relationship. An infertile, hardened heart will likely result in divorce. In Mark 10:1-12, Jesus explains that divorce is not God’s intention, but was permitted because of hardened hearts.

Jesus says the seed sown along the path is like someone hearing the words, but having no understanding. The ground is so hard – the seed cannot penetrate – so growth cannot begin. There is no life. This couple may be together only by habit and convenience. If this couple has not already given up, they are in danger of separation, divorce, or some type of extra-marital affair.

On the Rocks: Careless Couple

This couple has experienced their relationship as easy so far. This type of relationship usually starts off quickly (received with joy) and may even appear to be thriving (shoots up quickly). This couple acts too quickly without considering if they can finish what they started; they act without really understanding.

This couple is unaware of the complexity of a relationship, which tends to propel the couple to seek the benefits of marriage before building a foundation to sustain the benefits. This impatience may show up, for example, as a financial crisis (debt) or as a pregnancy before marriage. Overall the couple is faced with the serious responsibilities of marrige before they are mature enough to resolve the complications. The complications then become crisises.

Among the Thorns: Choking Couple

This couple has the right idea, but they execute poorly. Intimacy between the couple is blocked or stalled. The couple has a high regard for marriage, but remains disconnected for lack of translating beliefs into action. It is like having a car in good working order, but no fuel. The marriage is also characterized by a lack of emotion and expressiveness.

The couple is distracted by worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth. There is a strangle-hold on the marriage – choking it and making it unfruitful. While the potential is high, this couple has allowed too many weeds to grow in the garden of their marriage. The marital relationship is last on a long list of other things now more interesting.

In Good Soil: Cooperating Couple

This couple is both mature (having a high regard for marriage) and experienced (having acted out their convictions). Marriages are not born this way; they must be created, first through inspiration, then through perspiration.

Connection follows from belief. If the marriage vision is not renewed and revisited regularly, complacency can set in. Every couple is susceptible to the deterioration of their relationship. To prevent this, they must regularly refresh their understanding of why they are doing what they are doing. They must have an answer to: “Why is the struggle worth it?” This couple will not drift as long as they continue to act on their beliefs.

Reflections

Where are You?

As no person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. No matter which soil condition more closely describes your relationship, set your goal to increase your knowledge of marriage God’s way and then increase your practice of marriage. When you do this, you will be well on your way to yielding fruit one-hundred times what was sown.

Resources

Matthew 13:23
But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway