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Abuse and Neglect

9 Experiences That Drain Hope

9 Experiences That Drain Hope

April 13, 2025 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

Are you feeling drained of all hope? Whether it’s a dramatic upheaval or subtle, persistent struggles, the effects can be deeply discouraging. Some traumas are obvious because they are intense–these are called “Big T” traumas. Other traumas are subtle because they are weak but repetitive–these are called “Little T” traumas. Both kinds can produce lasting disabilities, even though they manifest differently.

#1 The Pain of Losing a Parent or Child

Losing a parent or child is one of life’s most challenging moments. When the loss is premature, whether through miscarriage or death of a young child, it can feel particularly tragic. The dreams, hopes, and plans once anchored around loved ones vanish, leaving an indescribable void. Such disorientation can lead to profound questions, like whether life is still worth living. It is heartbreaking to invest so much emotionally in others, only to find them suddenly and completely absent.

#2 The Scars of Betrayal

Betrayal cuts deep across personal and professional realms. Whether it’s a partner who breaks trust, a friend who abandons you, or a coworker who exploits vulnerabilities, the impact lingers. Betrayal creates emotional scars, shaking confidence and leaving individuals hesitant to trust others again. Repeated betrayals magnify trauma and can drain the hope of finding reliable connections.

The worst kind of betrayal results in shock from the sudden exposure of a completely different reality, such as finding out your spouse is cheating on you. However, betrayal can also happen on a micro scale, like when your spouse uses your vulnerabilities against you in an argument. Sometimes, betrayal stems not from active harm but from the absence of good, such as friends abandoning you without any explanation.

#3 Struggles with Financial Hardship

Navigating financial hardship can be exhausting. Searching tirelessly for employment amidst constant rejections or losing a job despite loyalty and hard work can erode self-esteem. Financial insecurity often causes stress and anxiety, affecting relationships and mental health. The seemingly endless cycle of hope and despair can feel suffocating, draining one’s ability to envision a brighter future.

#4 The Impact of Bullying and Isolation

Bullying and isolation leave individuals feeling misunderstood and undervalued. In school, children may face ridicule for their uniqueness–be it external like body image or clothing, or internal, like processing thoughts or emotions differently than others (now popularly referred to as neurodivergence). For example, a child with ADHD may process thoughts differently, which can make them a target for misunderstanding and exclusion.

In toxic workplaces, adults may encounter criticism or be ignored altogether. The persistent feeling of invisibility and lack of appreciation can drain hope, making it hard to believe that a better environment is possible.

#5 Challenges of Abusive or Neglectful Parents

Parents play a pivotal role in shaping a child’s outlook. Abusive or neglectful parents often blur healthy boundaries, leaving children to fend for themselves emotionally or physically. Abuse can involve excess control, while neglect stems from a failure to provide what is needed to thrive. Some parents are preoccupied with other activities or simply incompetent.

Parentification, where children take on parental roles, robs them of innocence and creates enduring struggles with self-worth and relationships. For example, a nine-year-old shouldn’t be cooking dinner for the family every night. Nor should she be responsible for managing her parents’ emotions.

#6 Struggles with Health Issues

Facing chronic illness or surviving near-death experiences can shatter one’s sense of stability and control. Health issues can make daily life feel like a battle, draining energy and hope for recovery. The psychological toll of adjusting to a “new normal” can feel like an uphill climb, with each step weighed down by doubt and exhaustion.

#7 The Pain of Divorce

Divorce signifies the breakdown of a once-promised lifelong bond. Feelings of rejection and failure intensify when the separation is complicated by sabotage or unfair claims. Divorce can leave emotional scars that affect trust, self-worth, and the hope of finding enduring love.

#8 Trauma from Violent Crime

The aftermath of violent crime, such as rape, assault, or vandalism, often includes emotional trauma that is hard to reconcile. Victims may feel a loss of safety and confidence. The violation of one’s dignity and security can lead to despair and fear that recovery is unattainable.

#9 Devastation from Natural Disasters

Natural disasters strike unexpectedly, disrupting homes and lives. Tornados, hurricanes, mold outbreaks, and infestations can leave families struggling to rebuild their sense of safety. The emotional strain of starting over after such devastation can make hope feel distant, especially when faced with recurring challenges.

Experiences that drain hope are often tied to trauma, but recognizing these moments is the first step toward healing. Feeling drained is likely a normal response given the intensity of your experiences. While trauma may cast shadows over joy and stability, understanding its roots allows for growth and recovery. God’s care and encouragement, even amidst life’s trials, can nurture the flame of hope, guiding individuals to reclaim their lives.

If you need help managing these draining experiences, Matt is available to provide support while illuminating the path to recovery. Here is another post about biblical hope.

Image by AMOREMPOESIAS from Pixabay

Filed Under: Betrayal, Abuse and Neglect

Remember Your Past For A Healthy Present

Remember Your Past For A Healthy Present

May 24, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 3 minutes

How does remembering your past help you today? Think of re-membering as bringing scattered parts of your life together. It’s like gathering the parts of a jigsaw puzzle and assembling them where they belong.

God wants you to see the whole picture of who you are. Have you ever worked on a puzzle only to get to the end and realize some pieces are missing? It’s frustrating because it feels so incomplete.

I’m fascinated by my past. I’m not thinking of historical facts. I mean my psychological and emotional journey. Memories are important because they are the key to setting a person free from being trapped in the past.

You can’t change what has happened to you but you can change its meaning. You decided how much a particular memory has the power to define who you are. They answer the question: How did I get to where I am today?

How you first experience something has long-lasting implications. Your journey is, in many ways, a series of first-time experiences. To put the pieces of your life together, you must revisit your first-time experiences to create follow-on experiences. Healing can be both strengthening the positive memories and weakening the negative ones.

Questions to Help You Remember

Your relationship with your childhood memories can tell you a lot about yourself. Here are some questions you can use to explore your emotional health:

  • How do you feel about your childhood?
  • Do you feel like you are still a child?
  • Do you feel like you are stuck in your childhood?
  • Do you feel extremely distant from childhood, almost like it was another lifetime?
  • Does childhood feel real to you or more like a fantasy?
  • Does childhood seem unimportant or highly relevant to you?
  • Do you remember a lot or a little?
  • How much was childhood the same or different every day?
  • What positive memories come to mind?
  • What negative memories come to mind?

Did you skim through these questions or pause on each one and give a real, in-depth answer? Are you willing to embrace your childhood or do you think you’d be happier if you never thought about it again?

Even if you considered only one of the questions, you’ve got a taste of what it’s like to move toward emotional health. You dipped your toe in the water. If you considered more than one, you might feel overwhelmed as you swim in a pool of emotional memories.

As I said, memories are fascinating. They aren’t part of who you are. Yet, in another way, they are part of you. You’re not five years old anymore. But you might feel five years old sometimes.

Remember the Past, Compare it with the Present, and Plan the Future

Here are a few more questions for you to consider: In what ways do you feel the same, today, as you did when you were a young child? In what ways are you the same? In what ways are you different?

Life can lead you away from being in touch with who you are. The pressures, demands, and trauma open a chasm between your performance and who you are. It’s possible to become so familiar with present-day performance (life responsibilities) that you forget what it’s like to enjoy life on your terms.

Here are three more questions that should help you “pull yourself together.” What day would you most like to relive? What makes life worth living today? Now, what new day do you imagine you would like to live in the near future?

In answering all these questions, look for two things. First, look for any infections: emotional wounds that haven’t fully healed. Second, look for peak experiences: emotional highs that give you energy.

If you’d like more practice at developing follow-on experiences, then you should try a book from my Journal Your Way series.

More about the benefits of exploring your past.
Image by Nato Pereira from Pixabay
Last updated 2022/12/11

Filed Under: Emotional Honesty, Abuse and Neglect, Boundaries, Healing, Identity, Self-Care, Self-Image Tagged With: self-worth, shame

Jesus Will Never Reject His Children

Jesus Will Never Reject His Children

September 10, 2023 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 4 minutes

How would it change your life if you knew that Jesus would never reject a believer like you? Life is hard with many difficult situations to endure (death, pain, suffering). God asks us to believe He is perfect love despite sometimes allowing terrible circumstances. Real faith is required to look beyond life’s negative events and see God’s love.

Fortunately, God gives us His Holy Spirit, enabling us to see God by faith. He makes profound promises about His relationship with us. If you are a believer, uncertainty and rejection die with your belief in Jesus’s death and resurrection. Certainty and acceptance are possible as faith sees the reality of God’s kingdom in the present moment, even though it isn’t fully realized, yet.

Never Rejected, No, Never

Jesus explains the kind of salvation he offers in John 10.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.

John 10:27-29 ESV

In the clause “and they shall never perish” John uses the double negative with the aorist subjunctive, which is a very emphatic way of declaring that something will not happen in the future. Jesus is categorically excluding the slightest chance of an apostasy by his sheep. A literal translation would be something like, “They shall not, repeat, shall not ever perish in the slightest.”

Christian Theology, M. J. Erickson, Baker Book House, 1985, pg. 992

This kind of assurance is truly Good News. The Gospel, without such security, would be a different gospel than the Bible teaches. Can you imagine believing you will be in heaven today, but tomorrow fearing God’s eternal wrath believing you have been ejected from God’s family? Then with repentence the next day believing you will be in heaven? Then rejected again when you sin? The Bible says this is impossible because Jesus’s death was sufficient for all time (past, present, future). If it lacks the power to keep a person saved, Jesus would need to die all over again (Hebrews 6:4-6). Thankfully, God is all-powerful rendering such worries unwarranted.

Never Rejected, But Doubting

Even with such direct statements of eternal security, believers must contend with the spiritual forces of fear and doubt. God would have us strengthen our trust in Him against these principalities and powers.

What might cause someone to doubt their salvation? It’s typically a sin. It’s hard to face when we do something cruel to someone else. The guilt can cause us to believe God will reject us. Jesus’s sacrifice means there is no longer condemnation for believers. Such forgiveness can seem to be too generous to believe, but that is the Good News of the Gospel! When this wonderful generosity is accepted with humility, it creates a heart response of gratefulness rather than a desire to sin more (Romans 5:20–6:3).

What about when someone sins against us? We might learn (come to believe) that we are not worth being saved. Present-day experiences can trigger memories of events that were intensely harmful. Following are some situations that might dig up the past:

  • Being lied to
  • Being ignored
  • Being interrupted
  • Waiting (uncertainty)
  • Being teased
  • Being criticized
  • Invasion of personal space

What do these have in common? They all can communicate insignificance (some directly and some more subtly):

  • Being lied to -> can’t trust or be trusted
  • Being ignored -> not worth the time or engagement
  • Being interrupted -> voice is not important or worth hearing
  • Waiting (uncertainty) -> don’t deserve good things
  • Being teased -> inferior
  • Being criticized -> defective
  • Invasion of personal space -> don’t have a valuable self that is worth protecting

These will likely cause everyone some distress, but people who have experienced abuse might recall the deep distress of older abuse. Some people have become resilient enough to overcome negative experiences. The difference has to do with a person’s self-image. The weaker the self-image, the easier it is to allow negative spiritual forces to overwhelm with falsehood, intensifying the pain to crushing levels.

The combination of (1) significant past negative treatment (2) current triggering negative treatment, and (3) preying spiritual forces can be enough to cause people to question their status before God.

But as we have seen, Jesus is emphatic that believers are securely His. The song Love Still Bids You Welcome captures this well. Even though we sin, God holds onto us with a grip that does not slip. Anyone who has tasted God’s goodness would never want to let go of God, but even so, because of our weakness, we must rely on God’s strength.

He will not cast you out. Whoever enters in will forever dwell with Him. God cannot reject a believer; he or she is a child of God forever.

Learn more about God’s goodness amidst tragedy.
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Image by Jeff Kingma from Pixabay

Filed Under: Eternal Security, Abuse and Neglect

Genuine Healing Lasts For Eternity

Genuine Healing Lasts For Eternity

October 22, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 5 minutes

Seek healing now. You don’t have to wait for heaven. What happens in this life has relevance for all of eternity. First and foremost is whether a person has a saving relationship with Jesus Christ. A relationship with Jesus has significance right now, not only after this life.

God knew all the days of your life before you were even born (Psalm 139). The history of what Jesus has done is significant; your history is important too. The healing you receive today will help you endure the remainder of your life on earth. All that Christ has done for you is far more powerful than any sin you’ve experienced (or committed).

If history was irrelevant, then Jesus, after His resurrection, would have no need to appear with the holes in His hands and feet. But His sacrifice is part of who He is. We praise God for who He is and what He has done for us.

What Is Healing?

Every human will heal a cut, bruise, or injury in basically the same way. We can look at healing from several different perspectives:

  • Healing is restoring function back to normal but it could also be improving function beyond previous limits.
  • Healing is the removal of the disease of sin.
  • Healing is knowing the truth on an experiential level (in the heart, not only the head) so that it overcomes the falsehoods spread by evil and caused by sin.

What are some things that healing is not?

  • Healing does not mean the erasure or numbing of memories.
  • Healing is not coping with pain (through distraction).
  • Healing is not forgetting about sin.

When God says He forgets our sins, He does not mean this literally. He is condescending to us to help us understand that we do not have to worry about Him reminding us of our sins. God knows everything. He doesn’t forget anything. But He certainly also has dealt with sin once and for all.

The Healing of Memories

The healing of a memory means the pain of the memory is neutralized, but the memory itself is retained. It’s the same for our bodies. The healing of a cut might leave a scar, however, the pain is gone and function is restored.

The nature of healing is to remember personal history, see the truth in what happened, and no longer be negatively affected by it. Love doesn’t keep a record of wrong. That is, it doesn’t keep score and demand payment for deficits. But that doesn’t mean that all such negative events are permanently erased.

A parent might go through a great deal trying to love their child. It can be painful, but because the parent loves the child, there is no need to forget about the pain. The felt love more than makes up for the difficulty. It helps us know what we consider valuable. It helps us know we wouldn’t change anything if we could have a do-over.

Consider another example of being shot. Suppose an evil person “X” breaks into a home, shoots people, and leaves with valuables. This would be a traumatic event! For victims to declare that they are fully healed from such an event, they should be able to forgive “X” and view the gun without being retraumatized. This would undoubtedly involve recalling the events, but the sting would no longer be there.

What Will Healing Be Like In Heaven?

In heaven, believers will retain all their memories from their earthly lives. They will continue to recognize who they are and where they came from. They will continue to understand who Jesus is. Jesus died for our sins. He is our savior. The intimacy we develop with Him while on earth is real. The time spent knowing Jesus in this life is not in vain.

Some people believe that God will erase all memories related to sin or negative events — presumably because we won’t be able to handle the pain. But because we are made in God’s image, we can learn to view evil and sin from God’s perspective. Any negatives are manageable from a position of hopeful strength that we will have in full in heaven.

To believe that our experiences will be forgotten is to discount this life as unreal or unimportant. I would not want my memories erased upon entering heaven. My suffering in this life counts for something. Remembering the bad times helps me appreciate the good times that are only possible because of Jesus’s death and resurrection.

From the perspective of heaven, present day events will be completely disarmed and unable to cause distress, but at the same time memorable. While completely safe in the presence of Jesus, negative memories will have no destructive power. This same healing can take place today, although not to the same degree.

The reality of who God is, including what we learn by experiencing His creation, will survive into heaven. God has granted us consciousness by giving us life. I see no reason why that consciousness would be wiped clean upon entering heaven.

If certain memories were to be completely erased, this would involve an editing process. It would make today’s suffering irrelevant for eternity. Suffering has meaning. Jesus’s sacrificial work has meaning. I can’t see how it would be possible to appreciate Jesus in heaven if we don’t remember what He saved us from.

Instead, memories will be transformed by the truth so that they do not cause pain. The beauty of understanding memories this way is that it maintains a continuity between this life and the next. You can receive healing today because God’s truth is relevant today and for eternity. Eternity begins for you the moment you become a believer in Jesus Christ.

Learn more about healing and eternity.
Will we remember our previous lives in heaven?
Image by James Glen from Pixabay

Filed Under: Healing, Abuse and Neglect

Shame Is A Prison

Shame Is A Prison

May 25, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

Shame might be a prison, but Christians are no longer prisoners. You have the freedom to leave the cell anytime. Past behavior can fuel guilt and shame only because of a poor understanding of what God has done for you.

What you do does not define who you are. What you do is only one moment in time. What you do might be mean, evil, or hurtful. If we could never change, then what we do would offer a picture of who we are. We would bear the shame of our actions forever.

Fortunately, because of a relationship with God, we can grow more loving. In this case, the hurt that Christians cause does not ultimately define who they are. God has shown us a better way and He is helping us have the heart that can love like He does.

Shame Results When You Fail To Look To God For Definition

Tenth Avenue North has a fantastic song, You Are More. You are more than what you do. That’s true because worth ultimately originates outside of creation altogether. Only God, as Creator, has the power to define what is worthy.

Those who look to him are radiant;
    their faces are never covered with shame.

Psalm 34:5 NIV

If you only look within and find defects and sin you will experience shame. When you believe that doing defines who you are, you’ll be caught in hopelessness. I started my book, Confident Identity, with the following description:

Shame is the deep-down sense that who you are is defective and worthless and therefore, you aren’t needed or wanted by anyone. Shame is a problem of epidemic proportions. All who struggle with it become isolated from the cause and the cure: relationship. Relationships have the potential to affirm or to reject who you are.

Shame can be activated when someone has done something wrong to you or you’ve done something wrong. It lingers when you haven’t received forgiveness and acceptance. Abuse, getting what you don’t need, and neglect, not getting what you do need, aggravate your need for acceptance.

Accepting God’s Acceptance Cancels Shame

God accepted Mary and He accepts all His children no less.

And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God.

Luke 1:30 ESV

He accepts you because of Christ’s sacrifice, no doubt. But Christ’s sacrifice was not given begrudgingly for a people that He believed to be worthless. He loves and saves because that’s who He is. But the people He sacrificed for have worth. His sacrifice proves exactly how valuable they are. He accepts you because of who you are – who He made you to be – not what you’ve done.

Emotional health requires the ability to separate the results of wrongdoing (guilt and shame) from the benefits of unconditional love (peace and confidence).

For all Christians, guilt and shame should be temporary and acceptance should be eternal. God allows you to reconsider what you’ve done and start with a clean slate. This means hope.

Shame thrives without the hope of forgiveness and a new start. It is only possible when you feel trapped in a prison cell with no hope of escaping. Make a list right now of what is keeping you in prison. For every hopeless situation, God has a way out. Nothing is impossible with God. Elizabeth, Mary’s relative, conceived in her old age.

And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.” And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Luke 1:36-38 ESV

Tell God you’re ready to start over with a clean slate. Ask Him to show you the way out. Then tell Him to, “let it be to me.”

Learn more about overcoming shame.
Image by Jeff Jacobs from Pixabay

Filed Under: Identity, Abuse and Neglect Tagged With: grace

Labels Like Gaslighting Harm More Than Help

Labels Like Gaslighting Harm More Than Help

March 28, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

Labels can promote better communication. But, they can also sow seeds of dissension. How and when should you use the power of labels?

How Labels Help

Labels are shortcuts. I could ask you for a dark red fruit that grows on trees. Because there is more than one type, I’d need to be more specific. I’d like the kind that is more tart than sweet. Instead of having to describe all the details, I could have said I would like some cherries.

Without labels, communication would be cumbersome at best. But, labels only help when we can agree on what the label is referring to. Maybe there are several varieties of cherries. But a cherry is a cherry, not an apple.

Shortcuts are most effective when all involved parties have a shared experience. What if we drove to a cherry farm and picked and ate cherries from the same tree? We’d probably have the same idea in mind when we use the word cherries.

What happens if there is no shared experience or the experience is so complicated that it frequently generates a unique experience? If, at the fruit farm, we ate two different species of cherries, one of which ripens faster than the other, we’d probably be thinking different things when we use the word cherries.

How Labels Harm

Labels such as gaslighting or narcissism have become quite popular recently. They definitely describe a complicated experience that can be easily misunderstood. In this case, I suggest you avoid the words and stick to the descriptions.

Gaslighting is a form of verbal abuse. Here is a definition from Wikipedia:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Not only does gaslighting sound complicated, it also sounds evil–like a tactic the devil uses to cause believers to doubt their faith in Jesus Christ. When used intentionally as a weapon, it is abusive. Note also the phrase “covertly sows.” This means the gaslighter tries to be sneaky. They don’t want others to catch on to what they are doing. It’s premeditated.

My problem with using terms like gaslighting is that they are sometimes thrown around too casually by people engaging in black-and-white thinking. Some things are all-or-nothing and some have gradations. A woman is either pregnant or she’s not. However, a communication technique might only look like gaslighting and not qualify as abuse.

The so-called gaslighter might have no intentions to manipulate or abuse. What if they are only attempting to describe their own perspective? During communication, both people have a need to be heard. The person who labels others (as a gaslighter, narcissist, or other popular terms) might be the one participating in verbal abuse. It can become a way to avoid responsibility. It can be easy to label someone, thereby casting blame on them and correspondingly away from self.

Instead of using these labels which can be judgmental (calling someone guilty when you are not an unbiased judge), I suggest returning to the basics of communication. Instead of saying “You are gaslighting me,” focus on revealing your experience with something like, “I feel discouraged when you talk to me that way. I believe I am correct but I’m open to being convinced otherwise.” Leave some room that everyone involved can contribute to the problem.

I am not trying to explain away real abuse. One-sided communication does happen. What I’ve been suggesting only works when both people approach conflict resolution in good faith. The challenge is discerning between a plain ignorant person (someone having a bad day or someone who lacks understanding) and an evil person (someone who is being intentionally destructive).

The good news is a little bit of discernment goes a long way if you have good boundaries. Being confident and knowing who God made you to be will protect you from both the naive person and the evil fool. Keep in mind though that sometimes these two qualities, along with some of the best qualities, can all show up in the same person.

You cannot fool God, so don’t make a fool of yourself! You will harvest what you plant. If you follow your selfish desires, you will harvest destruction, but if you follow the Spirit, you will harvest eternal life.

Galatians 6:7-8 CEV

Read more about recovery from abuse.
Read more about how psychological buzzwords can be misused.
Image by Andreas Lischka from Pixabay
Last updated 2023/09/06

Filed Under: Abuse and Neglect, Counseling, Identity, Self-Image Tagged With: self-worth

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