Christian Concepts

Bringing your Potential to Light

Forgiveness

Forgiveness Opens The Heart To Miraculous Healing

Forgiveness Opens The Heart To Miraculous Healing

by 3 Comments

What do you need most in your life right now? Do you have a greater need to forgive or to be forgiven?

When I recently considered the question, it surprised me. Is my suffering greater than the suffering I’ve caused? I like the question because it made me think. It’s a good question for self-examination.

However you answer the question, confession and repentance are necessary. The person who needs to be forgiven must release the debt so God can pay it. The person who needs to forgive must release the debt held against another. But this also requires God’s forgiveness for holding onto unforgiveness.

Jesus’s words about forgiveness cover this all too well.

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15 NLT

Forgiveness opens the heart to allow restorative healing.

What Does it Mean to Forgive?

Forgiveness is both simple and complicated. It’s both easy and hard. Forgiveness starts with opening your mouth and saying the words, “I forgive” or even “I want to forgive, help me forgive.”

For some people, that might seem like the hard part, but it’s really the easy part. It only takes a few seconds, and it’s done. It doesn’t cost much. And there’s quite a lot to gain. Eventually, the release brings peace of mind.

Forgiveness often feels counterintuitive—how could relinquishing our rights ever be in our best interest? It’s what makes it so hard to begin with. Forgiveness can feel like you are giving up all hope for any kind of return to normal, how everything was before the offense. In one sense, it’s true. To say “I forgive”, and mean it, is to walk away empty-handed.

But forgiveness done right is an appeal to a higher authority. It is a no-brainer kind of trade. I give up my rights in return for healing by God’s touch.

Everything we have comes from God anyway. So, can we say we ever had anything? In one sense, yes, but in another, no. Whatever we have, we lack the power to command it.

Job understood how to release and leave his heart open to God’s touch:

Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship. He said,
“I came naked from my mother’s womb,
    and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had,
    and the Lord has taken it away.
Praise the name of the Lord!”
In all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God.

Job 1:20-22 NLT

Just as Job released his grief and trusted in God’s sovereignty, Jesus demonstrated the ultimate act of forgiveness, teaching us how surrender can lead to redemption.

Even as Jesus hung on the cross, His act of forgiveness brought immediate suffering, followed by death—a profound demonstration of the cost and courage forgiveness requires. When sorrow or fear sets in after saying ‘I forgive them,’ know that it’s a natural part of the healing journey. It is a real loss. You are saying goodbye. You are letting go of something that you can never have again. What is done is done.

Though forgiveness begins in pain and loss, its ultimate reward is renewal—a gift from God that replaces despair with hope. After you hit bottom, God provides a way out of the empty despair. In God’s hands, hope is resurrected through the new blessings He provides, carrying us toward a renewed purpose. What does God’s hope look like in your life today? What God makes new won’t be the same as what you lost, but it will be an opportunity to continue living for God. Jesus rested for three days, and then God resurrected Him. God wants to resurrect you, too.

What claims do you have on others that you need to release? Maybe the claim is against yourself. Perhaps the person you need to forgive most is yourself. You need forgiveness as much as everyone else. Don’t close your heart to God’s healing touch. Release and be resurrected.

Learn more about forgiveness.
Image by Виктория Бородинова from Pixabay
Last updated 20250330

Is Your Forgiveness Incomplete?

Forgiveness

by 4 Comments

What is Forgiveness Good For?

Forgiveness is the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit. It heals conflict within people, between people, and between people and God. Forgiveness removes bitterness, a cancerous blockage that infects and destroys people and relationships. Forgiveness and healing go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Failure to forgive is often the main obstacle to moving forward in freedom. “Forgive” can be broken down into “give for”. God gives to us, we give to others, and others give to us.

What Forgiveness Is

  • Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them (to cancel a debt you have to know the fullness of the damage)
  • Choosing to keep no records of wrong (the debt has to die and not be resurrected later)
  • Refusing to punish (punishing creates more hurt and usually can’t bring back what you lost)
  • Relinquishing any debt (no longer expecting repaying)
  • Not telling what they did (not gossiping)
  • Being merciful (because God is merciful)
  • Absence of bitterness (this only denies that God cares about you)
  • Looking to God to make things right by bringing healing and making repayment as He sees fit

What Forgiveness is Not

  • Approval of what was done to you (it is possible to cancel a debt and still see the truth of its wrongness)
  • Excusing what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Justifying what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Pardoning what they did (this is a counterfeit because the hurt is not really confronted)
  • Reconciliation of the relationship (forgiveness enables this, but does not guarantee it)
  • Denying what they did (essentially the same as pardoning)
  • Forgetting (it is possible to remember but not be bitter if you have truly experienced healing)
  • Refusing to take the wrong seriously (this is minimizing it)
  • Pretending you are not hurt (this is not honest)

Reflections on Forgiveness

He who cannot forgive another breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.
– George Herbert

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
– C.S. Lewis

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
– Leo Tolstoy

The most powerful agent of growth and transformation is something much more basic than any technique: a change of heart.
– John Welwood

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
– Dr. Robert Anthony

Nothing is easy to the unwilling.
– Thomas Fuller

Resources on Forgiveness

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compelling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer
Heavenly Father, I choose as an act of my will to forgive [person]. I forgive [person] for [list of specific offenses]. I release [person]. I ask you to forgive [person] for all these things as well and that you do not hold these things against [person] on my account.

Heavenly Father, I ask you to forgive me for holding unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, etc., in my heart towards [person]. I receive your forgiveness and cleansing of my heart from all unrighteousness.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for holding resentment towards you and for allowing these hurts to happen to me. If I have any more negative feelings stored up in me towards [person], I ask you to cleanse them from me now. I open myself to replace these negative emotions with the fruit of your Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience…)

Heavenly Father, I ask you now to heal the wounded places in my soul. Heal every memory of those offenses so I can look back on them, realistically accepting they were hurtful, and trusting you have healed the hurt. Enable me to use this experience to help others with whom I come into contact.

Heavenly Father, bless [person] with your abundant mercy. Prosper [person] in every way. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

Image by 춘성 강 from Pixabay
Last updated 2022/11/20

4 Breathtaking Ways God Responds To Pain

by 1 Comment

Pain in this life up until heaven is inevitable. When times are good it’s easy to forget that and instead expect life to be pain-free. Then, God becomes the bad guy.

Job and Jonah learned this but in different ways. Job had an exceptionally good life, then he lost nearly everything, then he regained happy circumstances. He knew what it is like to see painfully dramatic shifts in his fortune.

Jonah’s life was average; he was neither rich nor poor. But at least he had a relationship with God; he knew God’s forgiveness. Yet, he apparently didn’t remember what it was like to be a recipient of God’s mercy. Or, at least he didn’t want to see people, who he thought didn’t deserve it, be given the opportunity to receive it.

At the end of Jonah (chapter 4), God demonstrates to Jonah the value of caring about others who are less fortunate. Jonah is sensitive to God’s blessing (the plant) the God’s removal of blessing (the plant dying). It’s normal to be sensitive, but God wants us to learn how to distribute our concern equally between ourselves and others.

Some people are overly concerned about themselves to the neglect of others. While some others focus too much on others’ needs, ignoring their own needs.

When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain required to change, you become sufficiently motivated to grow. If you’re blocking the pain, you’re holding back your growth. If you’re experiencing more pain than you can handle, you’re too isolated from love.

To be able to tolerate life’s misfortunes, you need God. God is love; only He can cause pain to become relatively insignificant when compared with our futures in heaven (Romans 8:18).

I believe Peter was speaking from his experience of denying Christ (John 18:17, 25–27) and being reaffirmed as a chosen disciple when he wrote this verse:

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10 ESV

1. Restoring Minimizes Pain

Restore means to return to a former condition, place, or position. God wants you to have what you have lost. This doesn’t mean you will receive exactly the same as what you lost (Job didn’t). But God wants you to move forward according to the plans He has for you.

2. Confirming Minimizes Pain

Confirm means to make it publicly valid. What happens in your life should be relevant to other people in your life. We celebrate and mourn together, not alone.

3. Strengthening Minimizes Pain

Strengthen means to support, increase, and reinforce. If you are going to move beyond pain, you need God’s strength. Pay attention to how God is developing your ability to complete His plans.

4. Establishing Minimizes Pain

Establish means to achieve permanent acceptance. When God establishes you, He does not have plans for you to run away (like Jonah). He is appointing you to accomplish His work.

Notice the progression. Restore and confirm recover what was lost. God wants to heal you. But strengthen and establish go beyond the unimaginable. When God establishes you, you’re permanently accepted. God has called you to eternal glory. You can’t get more permanently accepted than that.

God does all of this because He cares. Whenever you experience suffering, you always have a choice to turn away from God or to turn toward God. Peter experienced God restoring, confirming, strengthening, and establishing him (John 21:15-17). You can, too!

Read more about pain.
Image by Alexa from Pixabay
Last updated September 18, 2022

Listen To The Heartbroken Spouse You Wounded

Listen To The Heartbroken Spouse You Wounded

by 1 Comment

Is it possible to really listen to a spouse (or other loved one) who is furious with you? Maybe you betrayed them or simply have been insensitive. No matter the cause, if you want to keep the relationship, there’s no better time to listen well.

To listen well is a skill. You can learn to listen better if you want to. Hearing and understanding your spouse won’t guarantee their healing or their forgiveness. But it is both the least and the most you can do.

It’s the least you can do because listening does accomplish something. Listening can validate another’s pain and help him or her move beyond it. It’s the most you can do because there’s no way to undo whatever you did to upset your spouse.

In saying all this I’m making a few assumptions:

  • You are guilty of hurting your spouse in some way.
  • Your spouse is justifiably angry with you.
  • You want to do what you can to heal your relationship.

Listen and Understand Before Expecting Forgiveness

To be guilty is to be in need of forgiveness. But your spouse might not be close to being ready to forgive you. Be patient with the one who is struggling to forgive. It’s okay for them to take some time to work through the pain and be completely ready to forgive.

Jesus commands us to forgive one another because of all He has forgiven us. But shallow forgiveness (in word only) isn’t what Jesus wants from us. He wants us to mean what we say with all our hearts. See The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant for more details (Matthew 18:21-35).

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

The command to forgive doesn’t depend on the other’s sincerity, however, you can certainly make it easier by being genuinely sorry. Listening isn’t a substitute for repentance, but it can be evidence you are changing your ways.

Listen By Focusing on the Other Person

When you are guilty where is your attention? It’s on you, right? Relief from the agony of guilt is an urgent need, not unlike needing relief from hunger, tiredness, or even a full bladder. How well can you concentrate on another’s concern in these situations?

Before you can be attentive to the one you hurt, you must first take your guilt to the Lord. After you have repented and secured His forgiveness, you will be able to give your undivided attention to caring for your spouse.

So many people attempt to “be there” for their spouse when they are still caught up in the mess of their guilt. You can tell if this is you by how you respond. When your spouse talks about how they are hurting, you aren’t listening well if you immediately shift the focus to you with something like, “I already told you I’m sorry” or “I feel terrible about what I did.”

Instead of starting with “I…” keep your spouse in the spotlight. Let their concerns be the focus. You already focused on yourself by hurting them, don’t repeat the offense.

There is one exception to this rule. If the person you hurt wants to hear what is going on in your heart, then you can meet their need by letting some of the focus rest on you. Maintain a healthy balance but always be prepared to serve the needs of the one you hurt.

Listening that focuses on your loved one requires a substantial amount of effort, but the payoff is worth it.

Read more on healthy listening.
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

Have Mercy On Me

Lord Jesus Have Mercy On Me

by 2 Comments

When I get stressed I sometimes pray the Jesus Prayer to help me focus on God more than my concerns: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me (some people add, a sinner).

I first heard about the Jesus Prayer through a friend who uses it for his personal meditations. According to Wikipedia, it first came into use around the 5th century BC and is based upon three separate scriptures. The prayer definitely brings to mind the Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax collector in Luke 18:

But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’

Luke 18:13 ESV

The parable focuses on dependence upon God. It’s a humble plea for forgiveness. The prayer’s references to Jesus and Son of God emphasize God’s strengths amidst our weakness.

Because I know Jesus saved me from my sin already, I don’t repeat this prayer to secure my salvation. God hears all our prayers the first time. Repeating the prayer helps me focus on God’s presence in the moment of my concern.

I can struggle with how to best use my time while I’m still on earth. Am I focusing on what matters most? Will I have enough time to accomplish my goals? I realize God knows what is best; where my goals differ from His, His goals are more important. But this knowledge alone doesn’t remove all of my stress.

The prayer helps me focus on surrendering my life into Jesus’s hands. Praying this way reminds me that He is in control. The more I’m able to do this, the more relaxed I become.

Would you like to strengthen your connection with God? Connecting with God can help put your worries to rest. Repeating the Jesus Prayer can create a unique focus. The main goal is not to see all your wishes come true. Instead, the focused prayer, when used the right way, becomes worship. Whenever you worship God, you are automatically more relaxed.

When you repeat the phrase multiple times (sincerely and pausing in between each time) it’s impossible to not come away with a sense of Jesus’s position of power and your position of vulnerability. The moment this happens, you can release your burdens to the One who has all things under control.

Alternate Uses

You can customize the Jesus Prayer according to your immediate need. I recommend you start with the original phrase and then consider various changes to move deeper into prayer. When you are ready for something different, try emphasizing words or shortening the prayer. Eventually you might try substituting different words.

Emphasize Key Words

Focus on one or two words at a time. For example, if you emphasize Lord, you can begin to examine how Jesus being Lord influences how you feel about your concerns.

  • Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.
  • Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.
  • Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.
  • Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.

Focusing on the name Jesus Christ allows for more intimacy. You are calling the God of the universe by His personal name. When you experience God’s care for you, that’s personal.

Son of God emphasizes that Jesus comes from God and is God. But it also alludes to Jesus being the son of man, which emphasizes that Jesus is our human priest who is perfect and can sympathize with our weaknesses.

Emphasizing mercy is also helpful when you want to acknowledge and confess your sin. “Have mercy on me” is an intimate plea to experience God’s love and forgiveness.

Remove Key Words

Next, try shortening the phrase to discover different meanings. Each of the following has a different feel to them than the longer version.

  • Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy.
  • Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God.
  • Lord Jesus Christ.
  • Lord Jesus.
  • Lord.
  • Lord have mercy.
  • Son of God have mercy.

Substitute Key Words

Swap out a word to create your own meaning. For example, instead of “have mercy on me”, you could say, “strengthen my spirit.”

  • Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, grant me wisdom.
  • Lord Jesus Christ, your will be done in my life.
  • Lord Jesus Christ, my savior, have mercy on me.
  • Jesus, be near to me and save me from my troubles.
  • Jesus, I surrender all of me.
  • Jesus, forgive me for all of my sins.
  • Lord Jesus, have your way with me.

You can’t go wrong by focusing on powerful truths about who God is. In case you are wondering, repeating specific words doesn’t grant you any special or magical powers. But, there is power in prayer and in the truth of the scriptures.

You can trust a powerful God who also cares enough to relate to you in your weakness. The brevity of the prayers allows you to focus on the spiritual connection so you can relax your heart and mind, instead of filling your mind with many words and many worries.

Speaking of which, here is another type of prayer from me to you:

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26 NIV

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Box Your Concerns And Give Them To God

by Leave a Comment

The last few months have been especially stressful because of the various global crises we are all facing. In addition, each of us has our personal struggles. It’s overwhelming.

As Christians, we live between the truth that we will have trouble in this life and the truth that God comforts us during our struggles. Jesus had a lot to say to His disciples in the weeks before His death and resurrection.

A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

John 16:32-33 NIV

Jesus knew that even His closest followers would be disturbed by his capture and crucifixion. They lost it and deserted Jesus. But, He prepared them well by explaining everything ahead of time. More importantly, He sent the Great Comforter in His place.

What can you do when you feel stressed beyond your limits? If you don’t manage your feelings well, you’ll end up reaping destruction. If stress isn’t addressed in a healthy way, the stress stays on you and in you. Then your body can end up bearing the cost of the stress. Or, you can hurt others out of your anger.

Any extreme response to difficulty doesn’t help much and usually makes the situation worse. The extremes I’m talking about are either:

  1. Denial of the problem which requires complete isolation from the problem. This is over-compartmentalized.
  2. Over-reaction to the problem which inevitably involves retaliation instead of reconciliation. This is under-compartmentalized.

Both options miss the best approach which is to face the problem and embrace the problem at the right time and under the right circumstances. When people reconcile they can’t get everything they want. Most people would choose to erase the harm if that were possible. Since it isn’t, there has to be a way to work through it. The working through it involves both:

  1. Letting go of what has already happened. It can’t be changed. What’s done is done. This usually involves a lot of sadness.
  2. Taking steps forward to make needed changes that are reasonable for all involved. This might involve some anger. But it needs to be anger that motivates positive change.

Are you feeling overwhelmed? When I’m counseling others, I like to assign exercises that help people find the most direct way to grow emotionally and spiritually. Here is an exercise to try:

  1. Think of a concern you have.
  2. Now imagine a box big enough to hold it. Put your concern in the box. Close it up and label it with a description.
  3. Think about what remains. If you’re still concerned about something, go to step 1. If you sense everything is boxed up, move to step 4.
  4. Thank God you made it to step 4. Seriously! If you made it this far, then for the moment your life has some sanity.
  5. Ask yourself what is left. If your concerns are put aside, there’s probably some good things left. Thank God for the good things.
  6. Ask God to take the boxes for safe keeping. He might destroy some boxes. Others He will hand back to you at the right time so you can work through your healing. Then, at other times, God will give you a box of blessings.
  7. Acknowledge that God is in control. Approach the boxes of concern at a pace you can handle.

Hopefully, when you finished boxing up your concerns, you found the truth remaining. You are significant and loved.

How does it feel to have your concerns separated from the truth of who you are? Problems put into perspective aren’t as big as we imagine them to be. That’s because God is bigger than any problem you can imagine. God doesn’t fit in any box, but there’s always a box big enough for your concern.

Photo from: https://pxhere.com/en/photo/597668

7 Steps to Healing

by 1 Comment

Forgiveness or Healing

Which comes first? Do we forgive first then experience healing? Or, do we experience healing which allows us to forgive? I’ve been pondering this for several months now. The more I think about it, the more it does appear to be a “chicken and egg” question.

An Important Question

Why is this question relevant? I say it is important because suffering cannot be addressed by a simple black and white answer. When you are actively suffering, there are usually no easy answers. Yes, suffering will work for our ultimate good. But will that knowledge satisfy the person currently in excruciating pain? For the person not in any kind of pain, it is too easy to address another’s suffering with, “Snap out of it!” Or, “Just don’t think about it anymore.” Or, “God helps those who help themselves.”

Forgiveness is First?

If we say forgiveness must come first, what about the situation where someone is so traumatized by what another has done, they cannot begin to even think about reaching out to someone else? This person is clearly not ready to do anything more than receive care. They need some amount of recovery and restoration before considering other things. Therefore, at least in some cases, forgiveness cannot be first.

Healing is First?

If we say healing must come first, just exactly how much healing is needed? All of it? Isn’t extending forgiveness part of the healing process? Or is it the evidence of health? If someone hasn’t forgiven their offender, they are essentially perpetually waiting for payment of the debt. This is the opportune time for bitterness to take root. Therefore, forgiveness must be completed to enjoy full emotional health.

Forgiveness and Healing are Intertwined

With this puzzle before me, I can only find one way to answer. Forgiveness and Healing are inseparably dependent on each other. You cannot say you are 100% healed if you haven’t completely forgiven your offender. But, many times a person cannot start, let alone complete, the forgiveness process without first receiving a heavy dose of healing.

This means there are two “stages” to healing fully. The first stage has nothing to do with forgiveness or the offender, but has everything to do with our basic needs for security and safety. Where strength was taken, it must be restored. Concern for the immediate necessities of life take precedent over forgiveness. We must have our hope restored that life is worth living before entertaining forgiveness. Yet, when a person is strong enough to resent another person for what has been done, they would appear to have the strength to extend forgiveness.

The 7 Steps to Complete Healing

While forgiveness is essential to complete healing, it is not essential to start healing. A foundation of being able to extend forgiveness to another is the capacity to sense exactly how much one has been forgiven by God. In this security, in God’s power, we can then offer the same comfort to another. So we might summarize the relationship between forgivess and healing as follows:

  1. You recognize how you are hurt by someone.
  2. You receive care as needed to restore your basic functioning and sense of personal safety.
  3. You consider what is to become of your offender; you consider forgiveness over revenge.
  4. Forgiving releases you from the burden of collecting a debt that cannot be collected. Being able to forgive is evidence you have accepted God’s forgiveness for your sins. Forgive from God’s strength, not your own.
  5. You might be completely healed at this point, or simply cleared to pursue further healing.
  6. Look to God to provide the healing needed.
  7. Pray for your offender out of the comfort and healing you have received.

This is a dynamic process (not necessarily a sequential one). When you’ve reached step 7, or 5, etc. you might still need to return to step 2 to receive further care. It might take short amount of time, and it also might take a long amount of time. No time limit can be placed on this process.

Reflections

  1. Where are you at in the 7 steps to Healing?
  2. What is difficult about forgiving your offender? What do you need to help you be able to forgive?
  3. What has getting hurt revealed about you? Have any weaknesses been uncovered that require further healing?
  4. Some burdens (hurts) are too much to carry alone. Seek help from others when you need it.

Resources

Galatians 6:2

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Read on Bible Gateway

1 Peter 5:6-11

… Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. … And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Read on Bible Gateway

Abuse of Power

by 1 Comment

God’s Actions Count More

No matter what happens to us apart from God, God’s actions always count more. Why is this such an important truth?

To be Human is to be Vulnerable

Our actions affect others to the degree they are vulnerable. God made us able to be vulnerable, but he also gave us the ability to put up walls to keep others out. Even so, there are limits to this defensive ability. We can find ourselves easily hurt if we encounter an unsafe person. We can be “caught with our guard down.” This is exactly what happens to children. Children are naturally more vulnerable – and most of the time that’s a good thing. When we are vulnerable, we are open to learning – learning through relationship and learning information.

To be Human is to be Capable of Abuse

Abuse is when someone more aware and more powerful uses their position to take advantage of those who are less aware and less powerful. When the misuse of power is much greater than the victim’s ability to manage it, the victim’s automatic defenses kick in. Automatic defenses are heavy duty, but their use comes with a cost. Dissociation is the main defense. Dissociation allows the victim to survive horrendous abuse. The cost is the victim loses a part of their self when the walls come up.

Recovering What Was Lost

It can take a long time in a safe, controlled environment to recover from abuse. One of the first steps to recovery is regaining the lost ability to trust. Without trust it is hard to be vulnerable. Without being vulnerable, it is hard to recover. This is what makes recovery so difficult. Usually a person will trust a little again. Then so long as the trust is not further abused, progress is made little by little. This is possible in extreme cases too, but the process takes a lot longer.

The Bad News – Abuse Happens All the Time

So far I’ve been discussing abuse while focusing on person to person interaction. But our battle is not against flesh and blood. It is against evil powers and principalities. The bad news is abuse happens all the time because no one is perfect and evil is real. Anyone on earth can end up in a position of power over others. When we sin (go against what God wants) we give the devil permission to harass us, until we once again realign ourselves under God’s authority.

The Good News – God is On Our Side

The good news is God is good. Whenever we are vulnerable and we encounter God, we are changed for the good. Whatever anyone else has done or said to us, can be washed away by whatever God says. God has infinite power and is infinitely good, so it will trump everything else. When we sense we have power, God wants us to be humble so we don’t hurt his children. However, when we hurt someone, there is forgiveness and God’s healing presence. Therefore, we are never without hope!

Reflections

  1. Are there any ways you have recently abused the power you have? Talk to God about it. Ask him to increase your awareness of how you use the authority he’s given to you.
  2. Are you currently in an abusive relationship? Do you lack the power to appropriately protect yourself? Are you feeling too weak or vulnerable? Find a trusted person – seek out help so you may be strengthened to remove yourself out of the abuse.
  3. Are you still hurting from past abuse? Even though you are no longer in any immediate danger, God wants to see you find healing.

Resources

Matthew 18:6

But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Read on Bible Gateway

Romans 8:31

… If God is for us, who can be against us?

Read on Bible Gateway

4 Steps to Self-Forgiveness

by 1 Comment

How to Forgive Yourself

Forgiveness is hard work. It is especially hard to forgive when you are still living with the effects of an offense. Yet, there can be an even worse place to be. When you are the offender, you have to live with something irreversible you did to someone else. What if you feel blocked from experiencing true forgiveness for what you have done? These four steps will help you forgive yourself.

1 – Identify What was Lost

It is important to look at what has happened. This is the same as the first step in forgiving others. Identify how reality is different – what could have been? Identify what is lost as a result of your actions. Accept responsibility for what you did. Initially this may be hard to do and you may actually feel worse. But it is a necessary step because there is no going back to the past to undo something, there is only moving forward.

2 – Express Remorse and Repent

It is appropriate to feel sorrow or remorse for a short period of time. This is an essential part of handling a loss. Even if the primary loss was someone else’s, you have lost something too. Until you can forgive yourself, you will lack some degree of security. Spend some time being aware of your feelings. Express feeling sorry for what you have done. This could be journaling, talking, or perhaps even yelling or some other method to expend your energy (all of this done without hurting anyone). Accept what was lost as lost. Spent an appropriate amount of time grieving. This might be anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of months.

3 – Trust in God’s Goodness

Surrender your fate into God’s hands. Ask God to forgive you. Trust in God’s grace and mercy for both the offended and for you. Trust that God is able to make up for your mistake in a way that only God knows is best. Pray for the person you offended. Pray that God will bring them to a better place than before you hurt them. Even if this is not God’s will, this is a good heart attitude. The offended will not be able to return to their pre-offense state, but God will make it right. God may bless the offended person sooner, or the offended person may continue to suffer for some time. Either way pray that the offended can sense God’s presence and find peace and acceptance of their new reality. If God does not appear to make up for your mistake, trust that God is in control and knows something you do not.

4 – Lighten Your Load

Be willing to be a part of God making it right. Make restitution if possible (but only if the offended wants this). Having done what you can do to make restitution, leave the rest to God. Drop the weight. Cut the strings. Leave the luggage. Stop punishing yourself. Walk away from it. Allow yourself to pursue enjoying your life again. Get on with your life. Rejoice that you are forgiven. Having learned from your mistake, be a blessing to others. Be ready to forgive others in the same way you have received God’s forgiveness. If you continue to struggle to forgive yourself, realize you have not fully received God’s forgiveness. Return to the gospel message and receive complete forgiveness. Start life anew with a blank canvas.

Reflections

  1. Do you struggle to forgive yourself in any way?
  2. What is standing in the way of you completely receiving God’s forgiveness?
  3. Are you still too hard on yourself? What would you say to a friend who is struggling with self-forgiveness?

Resources

Nehemiah 9:17

“But you are a God of forgiveness, Gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in loving kindness.”

Read on Bible Gateway

1John 2:1

“If anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.”

Read on Bible Gateway

From the Song “What Sin?”

The heaviest thing you’ll carry
Is a load of guilt and shame.
You were never meant to bear them
So let them go in Jesus name.
Our God is slow to anger
Quick to forgive our sin
So let Him put them under the blood
Don’t bring them up again.
Cause He’ll just say,
What sin, what sin?

Further Reading

Marriage Missions

Repentence – The Other Side of Forgiveness

by 2 Comments

Repentence + Forgiveness = Reconciliation

While the offended forgives, the offender repents. This is the only way to fully reconcile a relationship. Repentence does involve behavior change, but it must include more to be genuine. True repentence is an inward act by which we open our heart to God, so God can change it. A person can say, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” But, it could be only, “I’m sorry I got caught.” There is a difference between Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. 2 Corinthians 7:10 says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

The Pain of an Inward Look

Looking inward is a necessary but uncomfortable part of repentence. Pride that shields our heart must be confronted and broken. Genuine repentence will result in us wanting to be good, not only acting good. We cannot be good on our own, but this is where God’s grace is needed. God is faithful to us to bring about circumstances that are intense enough to dismantle our defenses. And He does this in a way that preserves us – so we remain in relationship. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted…”

Reflections

Truly it is an evil to be full of faults, but it is a still greater evil to be full of them, and be unwilling to recognize them.
– Blaise Pascal

Christ accepts us as we are, but when He accepts us, we cannot remain as we are.
– Walter Tobisch

The stance of openness to receive is what I call the “catch” to grace. It must be received, and the Christian term for that act is repentence, the doorway to grace.
– Phillip Yancy

Resources

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compeling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer (Psalm 51:1-6)
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Continue reading on Bible Gateway

Is there anything you need to bring to God so He can clean your heart?