Insights

The Danger Of Trusting Too Much

April 24, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Trust is essential for healthy relationships. So much so that you might wonder if trusting too much is even possible. Wouldn’t more always be better?

To say trusting too much is dangerous is like saying that too much love or too much chocolate will kill you. How can you go wrong with something so good that is often in short supply?

Trusting Too Much

Yes, it’s possible to trust too much. It’s called blind trust. Although, no one will probably fault you for it. That’s because your trust benefits others. It will benefit you too, but only up to a point.

Trust has a natural limit or capacity much like a cup. If you fill a cup beyond its capacity, you will make a mess and waste your refreshing drink. Trust has a limit like your body has a limit. You can give certain parts away like a kidney and still live, but most other parts you can’t live without.

Trusting too much is like giving away an essential body part and expecting the recipient will be able to keep you alive. It’s depending on someone for something they can’t possibly give you. You were never meant to function that way.

If you trust others too much, you are open to being taken advantage of. Others might benefit, but only at your expense. When that happens you are going to get hurt. The more you hurt, the more you are likely to decrease your level of trust. In this case, that wouldn’t be bad except if you become determined to overprotect yourself. Then you might trust too little.

Trusting Too Little

If trusting benefits you and others, it must be possible to trust too little. It’s called mistrust. What if the person you are in a relationship with is trustworthy but you aren’t capable of trusting? That’s going to slow down your relationship, maybe to the point of breaking it.

How would a teenager feel about a mom who walks him to school and sits with him in class? Assuming the teenager normally makes it to school on his own and participates in class, this extreme hovering would degrade the relationship. The teen would probably either begin to rebel (which would be healthy) or suffer from low confidence (which would be unhealthy).

In an extreme case, trusting too little is called paranoia. A mom might have skipped school when she was a teenager. Perhaps she suffered from low self-esteem because her classmates teased her. She could over-emphasize her past hurts and then project them onto her son. It’s possible she feels too vulnerable even when her surrounding environment is safe.

Trusting Just Right

What is a person to do? If you trust too much, you can be hurt. If you trust too little, you hinder your relationships. The right amount of trust is called perceptive trust. The person engaged in perceptive trust is open to trusting others to the degree that they show themselves trustworthy. That’s smart.

Trust is evidence of a healthy relationship. But the cautions about trusting too much still apply. The amount of trust you place in an imperfect human should still be limited. Trusting too much will break your relationships with other humans. Others can’t live up to an exaggerated amount of trust. With too high expectations of a person, the relationship is doomed to fail from the start.

Trusting too much puts people on a pedestal. It can become idolatry.

It is better to trust the Lord for protection than to trust anyone else, including strong leaders.
Psalm 118:8-9 CEV

No matter how trustworthy another person is, there will always be some risk to trusting him. Nobody is perfect. Anyone at any time can let you down. So why should you trust anyone, including God who allows others to hurt you?

You can never trust God too much. He is completely trustworthy. You can’t blame Him for others’ mistakes. The more you trust God, without limit, the better off you will be.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5 NLT

Trusting God with all you’ve got provides you with an insurance policy. If anyone lets you down, God will always be there to take care of you. That might not always make sense, but it doesn’t have to when you place your trust in God.

Read about repairing broken trust.
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Grieving Frees You From A Trapped Life

April 17, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Have you ever felt stuck in life? I have many times. Grieving is the only way to become unstuck. It’s a process of coming to accept what seems unacceptable. It changes you for the good, but it leaves you different.

You can only experience something for the first time once in your life. Once you experience it, you are changed. Those second and following experiences aren’t the same.

Life is like a series of gates you go through. The gates are one-way doors. After you go through them, you can’t go back. All you can do is view the past from a distance.

Grieving Helps You Let Go of Regrets

How many times have you wished you could have a do-over? You realize too late that you could have handled a situation much better.

Sometimes life can feel like a rushing river is escorting you through the gates faster than you want to go. Along the way, you hit some rocks and don’t have time to catch your breath. You can feel trapped because the gate behind you is permanently shut. You don’t want to go forward; you want to go back so you can erase your mistakes.

Godly grief allows you to move forward into a new way of living that embraces God’s salvation. Worldly grief keeps you stubborn and unwilling to accept God’s help.

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
2 Corinthians 7:10 ESV

Grieving Helps You Wait For God

Sometimes life can feel like a riverbed that dried up so long ago you can remember when. The gate in front of you seems to be permanently shut. You think you are ready to move on, but God has other plans. He wants you to linger where you are for a while. You feel trapped because you can’t move forward into the future, the past seems irrelevant, and the present is boring or painful.

But you can make use of the time you have by learning that God is sufficient for all your needs.

Deep in my heart I say, “The Lord is all I need; I can depend on him!
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
It is good to wait patiently for the Lord to save us.
Lamentations 3:24 (CEV) 25 (ESV) 26 (CEV)

The way forward won’t be closed forever. If it is closed, there’s more to do in this chapter of your life before you move to the next. Once you move on, you can’t return, so it is wise to be sure you are done with the current season of life.

While you are waiting, you can seek God by asking Him to accomplish His plans in your life so you can eventually open the door.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Matthew 7:7-8 NIV

Grieving Helps You Step Through the Open Door

Sometimes life can feel like you are on a calm lake but you are approaching a waterfall. You fear for your survival. The way forward is too open for your comfort. You’d rather enjoy the serenity of the lake.

Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.
Ecclesiastes 7:10 ESV

With each passing gate, a melancholy nostalgia can build. The older you are, the more there is that will never be again. But this also means God is doing something new right now and He will do even more tomorrow.

For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19 NLT

What body of water best describes your current season of life? Remember that God is a masterful gatekeeper. Allow Him to guide you through the wilderness with all He provides. Seek wisdom from God (see Ecclesiastes 7:8-14 for more insight into grieving).

Read more about 3 Steps to Achieve Healthy Grieving
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Guard Your Heart Or You Will Become Lost

April 10, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Does God want you to be more trusting or less trusting? Should you always open your heart to people? The answers to these questions depend on whether you are among friends or enemies.

However, sometimes your friends can act like enemies, and sometimes enemies can act like friends. An enemy, or a friend acting like an enemy, can harm your heart. The wound can take a long time to recover from. Many times, the wound won’t completely heal until the next life begins in heaven.

Wounds are costly. So what can you do? Read further to understand your heart and how you can protect it.

What is Your Heart?

Your heart is the core of your identity. Without it, you wouldn’t be able to know who you are. In many ways, it’s like a mysterious black box. Perhaps we can know some of what is in our hearts, and understand some about how it got there, but we probably have no clue how God makes it all work.

We know that Jesus is significantly concerned about our hearts (Matthew 15:18-19; Matthew 23:27-28). What a person says or does has its origins in the core of that person. The condition of a heart is an accurate representation of the whole person (Proverbs 27:19).

I suspect all of us could benefit from admitting that both of the following are true:

The heart contains more corrupt motives than any of us realize because we haven’t fully experienced the depths of its sickness (Jeremiah 17:9).
God has designed our hearts to contain amazingly beautiful features that we haven’t been able to appreciate because no one has recognized them yet (Proverbs 20:5).

Why Is Your Heart Important?

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Proverbs 4:23 NLT

Most believers want to know God’s will for their lives. We want to know if our existence is significant. We want to know how to succeed in life.

Proverbs 4:23 provides the answer. Your heart will determine how your life turns out. It’s like a compass for your life. It will decide the direction you take. Without a well-functioning center, you will be lost.

Fortunately for us, God doesn’t leave us helpless. He gives believers a new heart that can respond to His correction and love (Ezekiel 36:26).

Guard Your Heart: Discern Your Enemies

While you can be courageous because God is with you (Joshua 1:9), God also commands you to protect your most valuable possession.

The enemy, and sometimes the people influenced by him, can cause great harm to your heart. God expects you to protect it from evil.

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8 NLT

“Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.”
Matthew 7:6 NLT

At the same time, to understand who you are, you must expose your heart to yourself, to God, and to others. As you allow God to search your heart, He will find sick parts that need Healing but also treasures that need to be put on display (Psalm 139:23-24).

The more you trust others, the more you are letting your guard down. You allow yourself to be known. Most of the time this will produce favorable results, but it can also end in rejection.

What level of risk is worth taking, given the possible rewards? As you become better at guarding your heart, your risk goes down. Guarding your heart means protecting it, but it also means nurturing it so it can thrive. What does your heart tell you today about the course of your life?

Master Conflict Resolution With 5 Concepts

April 3, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Conflict resolution is the ability to be satisfied with what is within your control. That sounds simple enough, but it’s not necessarily easy. It implies that finding a solution requires knowing what you can control and what you can’t.

Do you know what you are entitled to? To be entitled is to be empowered to accomplish or obtain something. If you are entitled, you are authorized and you are in control. Unfortunately, for too many people, this creates the idea that they can demand certain activities from their spouses as if marriage comes with enforceable guarantees.

However, just because something is supposed to happen in marriage, doesn’t entitle anyone to demand that it happens. You could make demands, but if you can’t control your spouse (and you can’t or at least you shouldn’t be able to), what does this accomplish? Making a demand is prideful while making a request is humble and doesn’t rule out exercising your boundaries (controlling what you can control).

Here are 5 concepts to help you resolve conflict without overstepping your bounds:

Conflict Resolution Concept #1: Be Responsible for your Happiness

Each person is 100% responsible for their own emotions/happiness. If you aren’t happy, don’t blame your spouse. God expects us to find a way to be content even when other people are not cooperating.

If you are feeling anxious, angry, or sad, those are your emotions. They say something about you. You are empowered to take action to manage your feelings. If you make your happiness dependent on someone else’s behavior, you might never be happy again.

Conflict Resolution Concept #2: Clean Up Past Hurts

It’s an essential skill to be able to bring up hurts from the past, or whatever is bothering you, so you can discuss it and resolve it as a couple. When you solve a puzzle, it is finished. You can put it behind you and move on to the next challenge. If you don’t find a solution, you’ll be stuck or limited to what happened in the past.

Cleaning up the past is different than blame-shifting today’s problems onto your spouse. Resolving present-day conflict often requires looking into the past to see the larger scope of the problem. It’s like making sure you have all the pieces of a puzzle before you start working on it.

Conflict Resolution Concept #3: Find Balance with Multiple Options

Find an appropriate balance between the urgency to work through your concerns and the acceptance of your spouse. Everyone needs grace for their spiritual journey.

You should spend a percentage (for example 50%) of your time working on conflict resolution and the rest on having fun together. You should spend a percentage (for example 70%) of your time together and the rest on individual pursuits.

Conflict Resolution Concept #4: Be Clear About What You Want

Speak clearly (directly if necessary) about what is going on with you and what you want. Don’t expect your spouse to know what you need or want (read your mind).

Communication is hard work. It’s okay if it takes time to put into words what you are experiencing. See if you can say what is on your heart in a way you’ve never done before. Use different words to explain how you are doing. You might learn something about yourself in the process.

Conflict Resolution Concept #5: Keep at Least One Listener in your Conversation

Watch out for the trap of two people needing to be heard at the same time with no listeners present. This will mean taking turns speaking and listening without defensiveness (turning the focus back to you). Listening doesn’t count if you spend your time speaking about your perspective. Your spouse isn’t usually interested in your perspective when they are trying to share theirs. They want to know if you understand their perspective.

Anything less than one listener results in wasted effort at best and complete chaos (fuel for conflict) at worst.

I hope these concepts help you with your conflict resolution. What struggles are you having that seem unsolvable? Let me know. Remember to make sure you have all the pieces of the puzzle before you become too discouraged or frustrated. If you need someone to help you find all the pieces and where they go, there’s marriage counseling for that.

Other ideas about improving your marriage.
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Dig Up Courage To Bury Your Skeletons

March 27, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Skeletons belong in the ground, not in the closet. Likewise, sin belongs on the cross, not in the heart. It takes courage to properly clean up the mess in our hearts. Everyone is quick to hide their shame and slow to dispose of it.

Who hasn’t miraculously cleaned up a room by shoving all the clutter into the closet? Your guests can enjoy the illusion of a clean home. And you can enjoy your moment of pure genius, at least until a guest opens the door to hang up their coat or attempt to find the bathroom.

Half-Hearted Cleaning Lacks Courage

Closets are for storing junk out of the way, but hearts aren’t supposed to have hidden rooms. Jesus is against tactics that disguise the true state of the heart. Such efforts are especially insidious when the person attempting the beautification project believes that beauty is only skin deep.

“What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity. Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness.”
Matthew 23:27-28 NLT

Cleaning only the outside (being concerned only with appearance) is for non-believers. It’s impossible for a non-believer to clean the inside. That’s Jesus’s point to the Pharisees: they don’t know Him.

God tends to the hearts of those He calls His own (1 Samuel 16:7, Hebrews 12:4-11). God knows about your closet even if you’ve long forgotten about what is inside.

Whole-Hearted Cleaning Requires Courageous Humility

No one has a pure heart, at least not without help. Instead of humbling ourselves by asking for Jesus’s help, we scurry around doing what we can to manage the dirt in our lives. God appreciates our willingness, but I’m sure He must get a chuckle from seeing our attempt. Human cleaning efforts don’t eliminate the dirt; they only rearrange it.

On your own, you lack the power to be perfect. Your best effort can only make the outside look better. But if you are a believer, Jesus can make your heart clean.

To properly bury shame once and for all requires uncovering it. That’s because the antidote to shame is acceptance. All of us desperately need this affirmation of our value because the sins of our hearts only reveal our inadequacies.

To accept anything, you must first see it for what it is. How can anyone overcome shame when they are afraid to look at it? However, even when you can endure the awareness of your shortcomings, more is required than knowing God accepts you if you want to be free of shame.

You will know God’s acceptance has eliminated your shame when you can accept yourself. You can only accept yourself because God accepts you. However, God’s acceptance hasn’t done you any good until you can accept you. If you can’t accept yourself that means you haven’t fully embraced God’s acceptance.

Ask for Courage

If you have courage, pray like this:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10 ESV

If you lack the courage to face your shame, ask God for strength. Then look to Him for the antidote.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Psalm 34:4-5 NIV

All that is left now is to believe God accepts you. If you continue to struggle with this, you might benefit from Christian Identity Therapy to help you gain the courage to make God’s acceptance real in your life.

More help for overcoming shame.
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What You Fear Losing Limits Your Freedom

March 20, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Fear always has to do with losing something. You could fear losing your life, your possessions, your sanity, your salvation, your job, your spouse, your control, your health, your family, your reputation, your money…

There are so many things to worry about losing. Some things are inconsequential while others are important. Either way, however, Jesus promises that nothing you can give up for His sake will be permanently lost. He says you’ll get it back, and then some, if not exactly during your lifetime, then certainly during the next lifetime. Whatever you lose for God’s sake, God will return to you something even better, even though what you lose will cost you something.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
Matthew 16:25 NLT

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.
Mark 10:29-30 NIV

What Do You Fear Losing?

If you can eliminate your fear, then you are truly free. Nothing will be able to hold you hostage. No one will be able to successfully blackmail you.

What fears are you holding on to? What are you afraid to lose?

Try saying, “I’m afraid that I will lose my ________________” or “I’m afraid I won’t get __________________.” How do you feel? What’s true in this moment?

Now try saying, “I’ve got nothing to lose” or “I’ll be fine no matter what happens.” How do you feel? What’s true in this moment?

In each of those moments, how ready are you to press forward toward your goals?

I experience those moments as hopeless and hopeful.

Loosen Your Grip on Your Fears

Think about what brings you the most anxiety or worry. Try to narrow it down to an emotional concern like people-pleasing. Who will be upset with you if you choose a path you want? If it’s anyone besides God, then you are allowing yourself to be held hostage. You are limiting yourself because of your need for approval or your need for others to understand you.

Sure, it’s nice if others like your decisions, but you’ll be okay if they don’t. Some things are right or wrong. God is clear about what those are. Many other decisions God leaves up to you. Don’t hold yourself back from exercising your God-given freedom to choose how to live.

Open Your Heart to Receive

After you prove to yourself that there is nothing you will withhold from God, you are in a place to receive. Abraham reached this when he was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac. This place might seem like a state of indifference, but it is actually far from it. Patience is different than complacency.

The patient person waits with expectation and trust in God’s goodness. Even if you never receive what you want, you will receive something better eventually. This person can persevere through all of life’s trials.

Indifference frees a person from the burden of caring. But without such a burden, life lacks meaning and purpose. It’s not worth living.

Fear is either gripping your heart or you can be gripping the heart of God. When you are fearful, your hands are too busy to receive from God. In your darkest moments, humble yourself by pleading to God that He will purify your heart from ill motives. Then you’ll be able to walk in freedom with a clear conscience. Then God will grant you the desires of your heart (Psalm 20:4, 34:4-5, 37:3-7).

More about Jesus’s compensation.
More about overcoming fear.
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