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Blame And Defensiveness Exposed

Blame And Defensiveness Exposed

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Who do you blame for life’s problems? How easy is it to identify the source of a problem? What do you blame? When? Why? How often? You might accuse others or you might condemn yourself of some wrongdoing.

Blaming shifts the focus of responsibility. While this tactic might be used for good purposes, I am writing about blame when it is activated for purely selfish purposes.

Blame is Possible Because of a Standard of Behavior

In order to accuse someone of wrongdoing, there must first be some standard in mind, otherwise, the complaint makes no sense. But a blaming statement is meant to carry the weight of authority behind it.

  1. You cut me off in traffic.
  2. You punched me in the face.
  3. You called me names to denounce my worth.
  4. You took the last cookie.
  5. You went to bed without saying goodnight.
  6. You spend too much time with your friends, your computer, your work, your family.
  7. You don’t want to understand me.

What do all of these have in common? They speak of an expectation for behavior, for someone else’s behavior. They could be statements of fact, but they could also be spoken with an edge of condemnation.

We desire to be treated in a way that meets our emotional needs. We also desire to be capable of treating others well. But others fall short and so do we. How well do you love? How badly do you want to love well? What does it mean to you when others love you well?

Blame can be an attack and so blame-shifting is a natural counter-attack. Consider these responses to the above accusations:

  1. You drive too slowly.
  2. You provoked me by continuing to nag.
  3. You don’t understand what I’ve been through.
  4. You never claimed it for your own.
  5. I was too tired to think.
  6. You’re trying to control me.
  7. You’re impossible to understand.

As you can see, the argument is not over whether a standard even exists. It is over the extenuating circumstances, the technicalities of its fulfillment. No one is eager to admit failing to meet the standard. No one wants to feel inadequate to meet the standard.

Blame is Possible Because We Have a Choice

God has standards or laws for many aspects of His creation. Gravity is a law or standard of expected behavior. When a ball is dropped, it falls to the ground. The ball doesn’t have a choice. Gravity would act upon the ball even if the ball could desire to remain suspended in the air.

What about the standards that God has for us? The Bible speaks of the law.

Why, then, was the law given? It was given alongside the promise to show people their sins.

Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith. And now that the way of faith has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian.

Galatians 3:19a,24,25

We no longer need the law as a guardian because we have God Himself as our example of love and our teacher of love. The standard causes us to depend on God to meet the standard. We have the option to sin. We can act against God’s Spirit. We can deviate from His law of behavior.

Unlike the law of gravity that acts upon us involuntarily, God does not forcefully ensure that we love when we don’t want to, or can’t. The law acts upon us from the outside, but God acts from the inside with our cooperation.

When we are faced with our inadequacy to fulfill the law, the natural, sinful response is to minimize the law. My inability to meet your expectations is not my fault. Your standards are too high. You sabotaged my ability to meet them. It’s your fault. You are to blame. The defensive response can seem involuntary because it can come so quickly.

Because we cannot escape from God’s standard, we have only these options to manage God’s standard:

  1. Ignore it (pretend it doesn’t exist).
  2. Downplay it (it exists, but can’t possibly be taken seriously).
  3. Admit falling short but stubbornly hold to independence, living with condemnation (refusing God’s help through Jesus).
  4. Admit falling short but fully depend on God’s help to meet the standard.

The first three will illicit some form of blaming. But when we depend upon God, we no longer have a need for blaming or defensiveness.

Read more about resolving conflict.
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How Two Identities Resolve Conflict

How Two Identities Resolve Conflict

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Reading time: 3 minutes

People can approach conflict in only two ways. Some people prefer to avoid conflict and others pursue it. Often, it seems, that these two kinds of people end up marrying each other. But that’s more of an illusion than reality because approaches to conflict can be quite fluid depending upon what you value most.

For a couple to resolve conflict and become one in a healthy way, they first must know and understand their own values and priorities. You can identify your priorities using this simple exercise. Then you’ll have a foundation for deciding whether you can give in, compromise, or hold your ground.

Resolve Conflict for Minor Issues

For minor issues that are neither right nor wrong, you can be more flexible. Actually, you don’t have to be flexible, but you have the option of being flexible. Here are a couple of examples of this:

  • You agree to paint your house the color your spouse prefers.
  • You agree to a vacation in the mountains when you usually prefer the beach.
  • You agree to visit your in-laws more frequently than you prefer. Optionally, you could decide to stay home and have some alone time.

The key to making a fair decision is to not lose sight of the individual and the marriage. You can’t always insist on doing everything the way you prefer. Neither should you always blindly do everything the way your spouse prefers.

Resolve Conflict for Major Issues

Major issues, such as fundamental beliefs about life and faith, are never meant to be compromised. Here are a couple of examples of this:

  • You believe sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage, so you refuse to progress your intimacy beyond a certain point until after your wedding.
  • Your spouse wants to lie about your finances to save money, but you tell the truth anyway.
  • Your spouse teases you about your faith in Jesus Christ, but you hold fast to your faith.

However, sometimes you can adjust your behaviors without compromising your values. Here are a couple of examples of this:

  • You don’t agree with a particular church’s doctrine, but you attend services there because your spouse wants to. You can still worship God in your heart the way you want to, so your individual integrity isn’t compromised.
  • You don’t drink, but your son will have alcohol at his wedding. You go anyway but refuse to drink.

You make a conscious choice to reprioritize your values. Here are a couple of examples of this:

  • Normally, family is your highest value, but after some personal reflection, you are ready to be more adventurous, so you agree to your spouse accepting a job that requires you to move away from family.
  • Normally, a career is your highest value, but you agree to have a second child.

Resolve Conflict for Difficult Issues

Conflict resolution is easy, right? It is until it isn’t. If you find you can’t come to a resolution in one of the above four ways, you’ll need to go deeper to explore the source of your values. Could you be holding onto a value because of some unmet emotional need? Perhaps something like one of the following is true:

  • You grew up in a home where your parents favored your sibling, so you rarely could choose what you wanted.
  • You were bullied in school, and you never want to feel that way again.
  • Your parents were extremely tight with their money, and you made a vow you’d never be like them.

Emotional scars form the basis for most “unreconcilable differences.” Conflict resolution will be much easier after you pursue emotional healing.

This solution for resolving conflict is the third and final post in a series on two identities developing closeness. You can read the first one: How Two Identities Become One, or the second one, Why Two Identities Struggle to Resolve Conflict, to understand the context.

Picture From Pexels

3 Ways Two Identities Become One

3 Ways Two Identities Become One

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Reading time: 4 minutes

How can two people become one? The key to understanding God’s design for marriage is understanding the word “one.” One what? God is not expecting two people to become one person. He wants them to learn how to be on one and the same side (on the same team).

Where do you want to go for dinner?

I don’t care. What do you want?

I’m feeling like Mexican.

That’s fine with me.

I could also go for a hamburger.

Either one sounds good.

Where would you like to go?

I could eat a hamburger. Or, Mexican sounds good, too.

Which would you prefer?

I’m okay either way.

Be Defined So You Can Become One

To maximize emotional closeness with someone, you must be able to clearly define who you are.

True intimacy is the meeting of two well-defined people. To the degree that one or both people are not defined, you lose intimacy. How could you be intimate with someone who never has an opinion or preference?

I took some red play-dough and some grey clay and made three different scenarios as you can see in the post’s image.

The left scenario represents two distinct people with some distance between them. They aren’t making contact, so they can’t experience each other.

The two right scenarios represent couples that have made contact. The top scenario has one color and one shape. This couple thinks they have become one when in reality they’ve lost their individual identities. Trying to be what the other person wants without defining who you are is a recipe for deeper confusion and exhaustion.

The bottom couple has one shape but retains two distinct colors. This couple can choose to function as a team while still remaining fully aware of their distinct, God-given identities. They have the benefits of togetherness and individuality.

Remain Two So You Can Become One

God’s design for marriage means that a man and a woman become one. One what? One flesh. Not one spirit. Not one identity. Not one soul.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24

and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. -Mark 10:8

Becoming one flesh means a husband and wife are on the same team. There are two people and one team. What happens to one has a significant impact on the other. Yet, both husband and wife retain their individual distinctions (personality, opinions, etc.).

Resolve Conflict So You Can Become One

When two people define themselves in a close relationship, they’re bound to stir up some conflict. Conflict in this context is good. Conflict sets the stage for intimacy. Conflict helps two people define where the boundary is between them so that neither loses their self in the process of coming together.

To resolve conflict, you must know your boundaries. You must know yourself and what you want. You must also know and accept the other person’s limitations.

Finally, after you both know what you want, you must communicate this to each other to reach an understanding. You enter into negotiations to determine how to maximize the resolution for the greater good of both of you.

The challenge with this is no one knows their self perfectly. Once you move closer to another, all kinds of fears can surface. They all center around acceptance or rejection. There are ways to make intimacy easier or make it impossible.

The more a person depends on their spouse to make life happy, pleasant, or even just bearable, the more conflict resolution will be impossible. When hope is set on anything but God’s saving grace, life will be more challenging.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:13 ESV

If relationships are roads, then the fears of intimacy are the potholes. You can deny that potholes exist (avoid conflict) or accept their existence (embrace conflict). The following post continues this discussion in more detail. For now, what’s for dinner?

Why Two Identities Struggle to Resolve Conflict

Change in Marriage

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Reading time: 5 minutes

Commitment to Growth

A successful marriage requires two people committed to self-growth. Self-growth is a way of life that includes regular reflection on how to close the gap between who you are and who you want to be (who God made you to be). But even when your partner does not share your enthusiasm for growth, it does not limit you in any way from growing. You can achieve success in life without having a successful marriage. If your partner is not participating this does not excuse you from continuing your own growth. This is confusing for many. Actually, when your partner is not participating, it is the perfect time to see how much you’ve grown. Of course, it is more difficult to be in a marriage when you are the only one wanting to improve the relationship. The trick is knowing what you are responsible for.

Some tasks require two people. Imagine you are working in your yard and there is a pile of rocks you want to move. Some rocks you can move by yourself; others are big enough to require two people. When you are working alone, how long should you try to move the two-person rocks? Would you think of yourself as a failure because you cannot move the two-person rocks and finish the job alone? If your partner is not with you, then no one, including God, expects you to finish the job. You are not responsible for the outcome. You are only responsible for what you can complete with the strength God provides. When your partner is helping, more is expected than when you are working alone.

Growing Together is a Choice

Couples who commit to growth choose to have a better marriage. As a counselor, I frequently hear couples tell me, “We have grown apart. We feel little for each other. We are like roommates who do not see each other much. The love is gone from our marriage.” It is an attempt to prove their marriage is dead and divorce is the only realistic option. This is nothing less than a decision to abandon a spouse for failure to grow. For these couples, there comes a time when someone says, “I cannot do this any longer.” Most of the time what is really being said is, “I choose to not do this any longer. The effort required to grow under these circumstances is not worth it to me.”

Growth is a constant need for all – all who are considered “among the living”. Growth keeps us alive. Those who are not growing are tired – their enthusiasm for life is fading. When both partners are truly growing then it is impossible to grow apart – instead they will be growing in mature love and it will keep them together. When a couple says they are “growing apart” can the couple really say they are growing? All they can say is they do not want to grow enough to stay married. If someone experiences complete satisfaction, there is no reason to seek more. And without seeking more, there is no growth. No one can say, “I’ve maxed out on growth”. But there are seasons to change. There are times in life when we have more energy and God’s grace to change. At other times we are weak and want only what is easiest.

Ladder of Acceptance

Seeking instant gratification profits little because the goals are so small. Seeking one’s own pleasure requires little if any discipline and sacrifice and does not result in lasting pleasure or hope. Eventually, it becomes tiresome. Making changes to stop living in the short-term requires determination and a high tolerance for postponing hunger for immediate satisfaction. For longer-lasting pleasure and hope, we must choose larger goals and desires that take more time and effort to reach fulfillment.

I call this process climbing the ladder of change. There are at least four rungs:

  • I don’t want to change. I only want what will bring the most immediate satisfaction.
  • I don’t want to change. But I am realizing seeking immediate gratification does not bring lasting satisfaction. Whatever I do to feel better wears off quickly and I am left with all the same problems. I would like to be less selfish, but I don’t know how to make that happen. So I continue seeking my pleasure to cover over the pain.
  • My spouse soaks up any love I give and offers nothing in return. It is like I am giving to a black hole.
  • I realize it is best to change. The Bible teaches I should look to others’ interests. More often than not, I continue to seek immediate satisfaction. Some of the time I am able to seek other’s best interest.
  • I am excited about the idea of not just living for myself, but in giving of myself to others. Growth is satisfying. While at times I seek my own pleasure, I also regularly seek other’s best interest.

A Little More Every Day

Growth is essential for life. Growth is essential for a marriage. Growth cannot be rushed nor forced. We need a lifetime or more to get love right. Regardless of your place in life (married or single), develop a love for growth. Realizing your need for growth will keep you sober, and allow both you and your partner space to grow.

Notice the little changes your partner makes. Praise and encourage their efforts. Find your own way of coping when your partner is not available and cooperating. Remove dependence on your partner’s ability to change for your own happiness. When your partner cannot meet your needs, take care of yourself by finding legitimate ways to meet your needs without pressuring your partner. Then bring your new found growth back to share with your partner! How do we grow better at marriage? You will always come out ahead if you grow a little every day by God’s grace.

Reflections

You will change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of making a change.

It takes more effort to stop growing than to keep growing.

Men are anxious to improve their circumstances but are unwilling to improve themselves.

James Allen

Resources

2 Peter 3:18
But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

The Breathable Marriage

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Sheltering or Suffering

Marriage is not “until one of us cannot take it anymore”. It’s until death do us part. Unfortunately, too many people rationalize their way out of their commitment when their circumstances change. It is at this point a person’s dependence on their partner is revealed. The subtle “I deserve better than this” awakens and begs to be released from the promise. What happens when we look to a relationship for more than it can provide? It becomes an idol.

If pursued according to God’s design, marriage will be a shelter protecting husband, wife, children, and maybe even others. But, to a struggling couple, marriage can be like a tomb. Have you ever felt like the walls were closing in on you? Have you ever thought, “How can we possibly live under the same roof?” A conflicted couple will start to feel their relationship is suffocating rather than sheltering. The air is stale. Breathing is arduous.

Your Marriage Reflects Your Focus

When marriage becomes a place of suffering, momentum can keep you spiraling down. If you continue to focus on what is going wrong, you will lose sight of all that is positive. One way to stop the downward momentum is to accept an honest assessment of your situation.

Underneath the suffering, there can be a dependence on your spouse for your happiness. You think, “Marriage is supposed to make me happy,” or “Marriage is supposed to meet my unmet needs.” The problem with this is when the marriage does not meet your expectations, it is convenient to conclude the marriage is defective and must be discarded. Focusing on what isn’t there doesn’t replenish positives. If you focus on what is not happening the way you want it to happen, it will slowly consume you to where you are imprisoned in an unhappy marriage – because you are unhappy. You might begin to think, “I have got to get out at all costs.”

I Have What it Takes

Where there are difficulties it is nice to think you can make up the difference. But, sometimes loving another person is like trying to squeeze water from a rock. Have you ever felt discouraged because you did not have it in you to love a difficult person? Have you felt things like:

  • If I could do such and such, then my partner would be happy and our relationship would get better.
  • I’d be better off giving to someone who appreciates my efforts.
  • My spouse soaks up any love I give and offers nothing in return. It is like I am giving to a black hole.
  • I can love you out of your deficiencies – and then you will be able to love me in return.
  • I cannot love you; I am a failure.

It is hard to face that you are not enough for your partner. It leads to feeling insecure. Actually, this is a good sign because God never intended for you to have what it takes. Where you go next is critical. When you realize you cannot love your partner, will you look to God for help?

Escalation

By the time a marriage is failing, it is taking place increasingly as a closed system. A closed system has increased panic and decreased rational thinking. We focus on our survival to the point of eliminating anyone or anything standing in our way. When two are responsible, and you realize you do not have the resources to make it work, it is easy to blame your partner for failure. With fixed resources, two alone cannot sustain each other. It puts too much pressure on one person to meet the needs of the other.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to cause it to fail. But likewise, it only takes one to cause you to fail. That you is you! It is possible to focus too much on marital success. A lack of progress does not equal failure. When you care more about the success of your marriage for the sake of its benefit than your partner’s wellbeing, you’ve lost before you’ve begun. People abandon their partners when they do not want to go down with a sinking ship. In a panic, they cut the line which tethers them to their partner. But instead of catching their breath and diving after their partner, they walk (or run) away. Cutting the line does not have to mean abandoning – it can mean removing unhealthy dependence which will breathe new life into a marriage.

Letting God In

In a closed system, the pain of the relationship cannot escape. The pain can only be passed back and forth. Marriage is not supposed to be an “us two alone in this together”. In the midst of intense emotional struggle, it is difficult to identify other options beyond the immediate relief of giving in (okay we will do whatever you want) or giving up (I cannot take it anymore). But there are other options to consider. Have you really tried trusting that you’ll be okay even when your marriage is struggling? Do you believe God is with you no matter how your spouse behaves?

Letting God in means there is another source beyond your partner. It means accepting what your partner can give and looking to God to provide the rest. You will not die if your marriage is struggling. When relying on God, your survival does not depend on your marriage; instead, you have the freedom to contribute new life to your marriage. God is the vine. Read John 15:1-17 and consider if there are any ways you are inappropriately leaning on your spouse.

Reflections

Marriages are always moving from one season to another. Sometimes we find ourselves in winter–discouraged, detached, and dissatisfied; other times we experience springtime, with its openness, hope, and anticipation. On still other occasions we bask in the warmth of summer–comfortable, relaxed, and enjoying life. And then comes fall with its uncertainty, negligence, and apprehension. The cycle repeats itself many times throughout the life of a marriage, just as the seasons repeat themselves in nature.

GARY D. CHAPMAN

Resources

John 15:5
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Is Your Forgiveness Incomplete?

Forgiveness

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Reading time: 3 minutes

What is Forgiveness Good For?

Forgiveness is the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit. It heals conflict within people, between people, and between people and God. Forgiveness removes bitterness, a cancerous blockage that infects and destroys people and relationships. Forgiveness and healing go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Failure to forgive is often the main obstacle to moving forward in freedom. “Forgive” can be broken down into “give for”. God gives to us, we give to others, and others give to us.

What Forgiveness Is

  • Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them (to cancel a debt you have to know the fullness of the damage)
  • Choosing to keep no records of wrong (the debt has to die and not be resurrected later)
  • Refusing to punish (punishing creates more hurt and usually can’t bring back what you lost)
  • Relinquishing any debt (no longer expecting repaying)
  • Not telling what they did (not gossiping)
  • Being merciful (because God is merciful)
  • Absence of bitterness (this only denies that God cares about you)
  • Looking to God to make things right by bringing healing and making repayment as He sees fit

What Forgiveness is Not

  • Approval of what was done to you (it is possible to cancel a debt and still see the truth of its wrongness)
  • Excusing what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Justifying what they did (this only minimizes it)
  • Pardoning what they did (this is a counterfeit because the hurt is not really confronted)
  • Reconciliation of the relationship (forgiveness enables this, but does not guarantee it)
  • Denying what they did (essentially the same as pardoning)
  • Forgetting (it is possible to remember but not be bitter if you have truly experienced healing)
  • Refusing to take the wrong seriously (this is minimizing it)
  • Pretending you are not hurt (this is not honest)

Reflections on Forgiveness

He who cannot forgive another breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.
– George Herbert

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.
– C.S. Lewis

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
– Leo Tolstoy

The most powerful agent of growth and transformation is something much more basic than any technique: a change of heart.
– John Welwood

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
– Dr. Robert Anthony

Nothing is easy to the unwilling.
– Thomas Fuller

Resources on Forgiveness

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compelling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer
Heavenly Father, I choose as an act of my will to forgive [person]. I forgive [person] for [list of specific offenses]. I release [person]. I ask you to forgive [person] for all these things as well and that you do not hold these things against [person] on my account.

Heavenly Father, I ask you to forgive me for holding unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, etc., in my heart towards [person]. I receive your forgiveness and cleansing of my heart from all unrighteousness.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for holding resentment towards you and for allowing these hurts to happen to me. If I have any more negative feelings stored up in me towards [person], I ask you to cleanse them from me now. I open myself to replace these negative emotions with the fruit of your Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience…)

Heavenly Father, I ask you now to heal the wounded places in my soul. Heal every memory of those offenses so I can look back on them, realistically accepting they were hurtful, and trusting you have healed the hurt. Enable me to use this experience to help others with whom I come into contact.

Heavenly Father, bless [person] with your abundant mercy. Prosper [person] in every way. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

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Last updated 2022/11/20