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Marriage in Christ

7 Principles To Grow Your Marriage

7 Principles To Grow Your Marriage

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Marriage is both the most challenging relationship and the most rewarding relationship. While working on your marriage, allow these principles to guide you.

1 – Two Healthy Individuals Make A Healthy Marriage

God says two people will become one flesh—meaning husband and wife function together, inseparably, like one body. You are on the same team which will grow stronger as each individual grows stronger. Your loyalty to each other should be greater than all other relationships. God gives each sex its own role to contribute to the good of the team. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you lose your individuality. The more you become the person God made you to be, the better off your marriage will be.

Read Genesis 2:15-25 and Mark 10:1-9.

2 – Change The Marriage By Changing Yourself

When you focus on yourself, which you can control with God’s help, you help your marriage in the most efficient way. Life is primarily a place for you to explore how you can grow and secondarily a place where you can expect God to address your partner’s flaws. Focus on your own growth twice as much as your partner’s growth. Increase your awareness of what is happening with you. Ask God for what you need rather than demanding your partner be a certain way.

Read Matthew 7:1-12.

3 – Your Partner Does Not Owe You Anything

Each of us is on our own journey to become more loving, which is clearly God’s goal for every believer. Do not judge your partner (do not condemn); instead use discernment to determine your response. You are accountable to God for your behavior regardless of your partner’s behavior. Making requests is legitimate because marriage is a cooperative effort, but coercing your partner into your desired behaviors won’t work in the long run. If you take advantage of your partner, you are also hurting yourself. If you are depleted, first look to God, the source of everything good.

Read Romans 14:12-13 and Galatians 6:1-4.

4 – Your Relationship With God Outlasts Your Marriage

Marriage ends upon death and it doesn’t exist in heaven. A covenant is unconditional. Your vows and commitment to your partner are first made to God—to serve His plans and grow His kingdom.

Read Matthew 22:30.

5 – Boundaries Are Protective Not Harmful

Relationships thrive on freedom and self-control. Decide for yourself but let your partner decide for himself or herself. You can enforce a boundary for yourself (choose how you want to respond) but boundaries are not placed on others (don’t imagine you can control your partner’s behavior).

Read Galatians 5:1, 5:13-25, and 6:5.

6 – Your Partner Can Manipulate You Only If You Allow It

If your partner attempts to persuade you, your response is your responsibility. Speak for yourself only. If you don’t want to go along with your partner’s request (or aggressive demand), speak up to declare your disagreement. A healthy individual maintains their integrity at all times. Don’t compromise who God made you to be. This is not a license for selfishness.

Read Galatians 5:13-25 (again).

7 – Only God Knows Everything

Learn about your partner but don’t presume to know your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or motives. If you believe you are discerning a particular idea, mood, or attitude, ask for clarification tentatively. Instead of stating, “You are…” ask, “Are you…?” or state “I am…” Overcommunicate with each other to reduce the chances of misunderstanding.

Read 1 John 3:20 and Hebrews 4:13.

These 7 principles aren’t the only ones I use in counseling, but they are a good place to start if you are seeking help for your marriage. As you can hopefully see by now they carry the theme that you should focus on what you can control and leave the rest up to God. You can’t ever go wrong by pursuing a better marriage that way.

Read more about freedom in marriage.
Read more about overcommunicating.
Picture by Matt Pavlik from Marriage From Roots To Fruits.
If you want help working on these principles in your marriage, contact Matt Pavlik.

Rejuvenate Your Marriage By Comparing It To A Game

Rejuvenate Your Marriage By Comparing It To A Game

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If I told you to stop playing games with your husband or wife, would that be helpful or unhelpful? It all depends on what “playing games” means.

It might mean toying with your partner. This has the negative connotation of exploiting them for your own benefit. This could mean misleading them through deceitful communication. It’s passive-aggressive at best.

However, it might mean enjoying a pleasurable activity together. This would strengthen your relationship.

As it turns out, marriage and games have much in common. Looking at marriage as a game could help you see it from a fresh perspective. You might even become more excited to play it rather than leaving it untouched on your shelf.

Following are nine qualities that games have (based on the book, The Art of Game Design by Jesse Schell). See how many of them could also describe your relationship.

1-Games Are Entered Willfully

You chose to marry your partner. No one should have to say that they were forced against their will to get married. Relationships thrive on freedom and they break down when one or both people exert unwanted control over the other.

2-Games Have Goals

Just about everything you can do has some sort of a goal. If it has a goal, it has a purpose. You might think that laying mindlessly on the beach has no purpose. But resting and relaxing are beneficial purposes. Games are fun because there is a specific goal to achieve. Who can reach the highest score before time runs out?

Marriage has goals some of which include: developing closeness and intimacy, creating and raising children, enjoying all life has to offer together, and portraying the church and the image of God.

3-Games Have Conflict

Conflict helps determine what is possible and impossible as well as what is helpful and unhelpful. Conflict is an obstacle to overcome so you can claim victory. In marriage, you can receive the fruit of victory when you resolve conflict by playing well together. Fighting fair results in resolving conflict and retaining friendship.

4-Games Have Rules

No rules or spontaneous rule-making breeds chaos. Everyone loses and everybody wins. Life is meaningless without structure and rules. Imagine running a race where each person can declare theirself the winner.

Marriage has rules that define its success or failure. It’s cooperative rather than competitive. You are supposed to seek the best for the other and for yourself. Marriage is the combination of one male and one female.

5-Games Can Be Won and Lost

Games are usually competitive, pitting one player against another. When husband and wife compete with each other, both lose. Divorce is the inevitable outcome of a competitive relationship. Show me a marriage that ends in divorce and I’ll show you a couple that excelled at opposing each other. When a couple stays together to the end, both win.

6-Games Are Interactive

The more interactive you are, the more you open yourself up to change. Just like anything you do has a goal, anything you do changes you. God made us to be always changing. Some experiences are more intense than others, allow for more exchanging of ideas, and therefore produce more change.

Marriage isn’t played alone. Husband and wife are meant to influence each other for the good. God designed each person to be attractive in their own way. Marriage encourages husband and wife to engage with each other.

7-Games Have Challenge

Humans become bored fairly easily. Once we master something, we’re ready to move on to the next challenge. God made us capable of solving challenging problems.

Marriage both has the greatest potential and the greatest challenge of all relationships. This makes marriage a high calling.

8-Games Can Create Their own Internal Value

The resources within a game are valuable while you are playing. For example, once Monopoly is over, the money is no longer worth anything.

In marriage, husband and wife develop their own sense of personal value. They can decide what is important to them. It might not be meaningful to anyone else. They might even develop their own language for communicating that no one else will understand.

9-Games are Time-Limited

People play a game usually for a relatively short period of time. The score is counted. Then the game is declared over. Marriage is time-limited too. It lasts until one person dies and moves on to the afterlife. There won’t be any marriage in heaven.

Based on Jesse Schell’s book I, I came up with my own definition of a game:

A game is a problem-solving activity that allows learning without real-world consequences.

Even though marriages and games have much in common, the above definition provides a clear distinction.

A marriage is a problem-solving activity that allows learning with real-world consequences.

This definition of marriage is general but true. If you find yourself thinking your marriage has become stale try playing games with your partner.

Read The 7 Principles To Grow Your Marriage
Image colored by Matt Pavlik

Overcommunicate To Save Your Marriage

Overcommunicate To Save Your Marriage

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What do you picture when you hear the word overcommunicate? When I suggest that couples overcommunicate, of course, I don’t mean nagging, sarcasm, or yelling. I find it necessary because honest, raw, yet kind, communication is needed but rare.

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Ephesians 4:15 NIV

Overcommunicating solves several, but not all, relationship problems:

  • No one can read your mind.
  • Avoiding conflict creates more problems than it solves.
  • Lack of intimacy leads to relationship boredom.

Honest communication turns up the heat in your relationship. Granted, this method doesn’t work for couples that are highly conflicted. These couples make their situation steadily worse over time; they create more harm than help. Need To Breathe has a line in one of their songs, “I’ve seen a fire put out by too much gasoline.” That isn’t what we’re aiming for here.

The threat of conflict shuts down some relationships while it speeds up others. If your relationship tends to run too hot as in you frequently hurt each other with your words, then you have a different problem. Today I’m talking to the couples that are letting their fire burn out.

Overcommunicate To Create Negative Intimacy

There is such a thing as negative intimacy. Most of the time it’s better than no intimacy at all. Negative intimacy comes from conflict. Most conflict is good in the long run. It’s difficult to have conflict without hurting each other a little–thus is born what I call negative intimacy.

Sparks might fly when you overcommunicate, but clashing in the short term can be positive. You can feel more connected. You can experience another person’s intensity. You can know they care enough to invest energy into the relationship. Even though it doesn’t come without risks, if it moves your relationship forward into deeper positive intimacy, it’s probably worth it, and it might be unavoidable.

Overcommunicate To Create Positive Intimacy

A healthy relationship stays up to date. How well do you know how your spouse is doing on a daily basis? You can’t be super-close all the time, but growing isolation is definitely a threat to a relationship.

You can’t expect to solve serious concerns with a few words. Complicated issues require multiple communication sessions. Words are linked to the ideas and feelings within your personal understanding of the world. It can take substantial effort to push the ideas out of your head into words that your spouse can understand. It is effort-heavy because your partner likely has a different internal understanding of the words you choose.

When you overcommunicate, you give each other multiple opportunities to understand each other. You can refine what you are saying by trying different phrases. You can change your tone and the expression on your face. You can find the courage to be more honest than you’ve ever been. As a creative being, you can use words like an artist uses paint.

Changing a habit requires repetition. Changing your spouse’s understanding of who you are from negative to positive likely will require multiple attempts at communicating.

The best way to avoid conflict is to learn how to be a better spouse. Unfortunately, the best way to do this is usually to work through real conflict. But after a while, you can become skilled at conflict resolution. Then, you can move much more quickly to an optimal solution. You will know what kind of compromise is going to create a win-win.

Need To Breathe has another line from a different song, “I want to hold you close, but never hold you back–be (like) the banks for your river.” This is an excellent picture of intimacy.

Read more about different perspectives.
Image by Thomas Staub from Pixabay

Breaking Through the Love Barrier

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Growing Past Barriers in Your Marriage

God made us to be growing and changing. But we are not always growing at the same rate. Sometimes we experience slow growth, and others times fast growth. A growth spurt is usually preceded by a period of rest and even complacency, followed by a period of difficulty and frustration, followed by a determination to choose faith over fear. When faith is excercised and the barrier is past, there is once again a period of rest.

The Sound Barrier

In 1947 Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound. As pilots approached the speed of sound they experienced a barrier called a shock wave. When they hit the shock wave, their plane shook and they retreated. Many pilots died in crashes. But Yeager found that when he accelerated past the sound barrier the plane flew well. Before the barrier is reached, there is resistance. After the barrier is reached, there is peace.

There were planes which could break the sound barrier prior to Yeager. When these pilots went up and approached the speed of sound, the plane shook violently. The more the plane shook, the more frightened the pilot became. When a pilot would try to slow the plane down, often he would crash. The same thing happened to other pilots because they responded to the resistance with fear and backed off from their attempt to achieve a break through.

When Chuck Yeager attempted to break the sound barrier, all the same things happened. His plane shook violently and he became afraid. But, he responded differently to his circumstances. Instead of giving up and slowing down, he decided, “if I am going to die, I am going to go out in style.” Instead of slowing down, he sped up and the rest is history. It’s okay to be afraid, because everyone encounters fear. But what you do after that makes all the difference.

The Love Barrier

Thankfully God has provided a man and woman some “rocket fuel” to get their marriage off the ground. This fuel is potent stuff. I am speaking figuratively about the onboard hormones (and biochemicals) which drive mutual attraction. These are more than sufficient to bring about feelings of being “in love.” When two people are “in love” there is a sort of magical effortlessness to the relationship. It is this effortlessness that drives the two together.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending upon how you look at it, this state of effortlessness does not last forever. Eventually it runs it course and the same effortless effect is no longer present. This is when a marriage is most vulnerable to shakes and fears. Life and marriage are not without challenges. At this point there develops a fork in the road. How will the couple interpret this lack of feeling in love? Many couples will conclude that because they are no longer in love, there is no point in staying in the relationship. They fear their own lack of ability to produce effortless love. When love becomes work, they back away in fear.

It takes a certain amount of maturity to break this Love Barrier. Marriage is about hanging into there and pressing forward even in the midst of shakes and fears. Press on, pray, and persevere until you make your break through. You will need to overcome by expanding your horizon. Believe in faith there is something better ahead. If you don’t look out very far, then it is easy to make a hasty decision that looks good in the short term. A short term gain might reduce the immediate pressure, but it will mean the eventual crash of your marriage.

Conclusion

Once you’ve experienced moving past a barrier, you are forever changed. Your brain chemistry maps a new neurological path directly related to your new experience (of successfully breaking the barrier). The next time you are faced with the same barrier, it will be easier to push through. The same barrier will no longer be challenging to you. Enjoy this time of rest, because God is infinite and there are always new horizons to explore.

Reflections

  1. What barriers are you facing in your life? In your marriage?
  2. What fears are preventing you from moving forward past the barriers and into doing what is right?
  3. Is there anything you need to strenghen your faith? Ask Jesus for it now. When there are strong shakes and fears, consider counseling to help you break the love barrier.

Resources

Romans 5:3-4

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Read on Bible Gateway

James 1:3-4

…because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Read on Bible Gateway

Psalm 25:9

He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

Read on Bible Gateway

Take Advantage Of Defensiveness

Take Advantage Of Defensiveness

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Imagine a conversation caught in an endless loop of defensiveness and blame-shifting.

Person A: Why are you yelling at me?

Person B: I’m not yelling. You’re just too sensitive.

Person A: I’m not too sensitive. You don’t realize how loud you’re being.

Person B: Well, I’m not raising my voice. You’re being unreasonable. I’m only trying to explain why your vacation ideas won’t work. Why can’t you admit when you’re wrong?

Person A: Vacations aren’t about right or wrong. They are something we should both enjoy. You obviously don’t care how I feel. Now I remember why I don’t like going on vacation with you.

Person B: Fine. You’re impossible to please. You take the vacation you want and I’ll go on mine. That’s the only way we’ll both be happy.

Who hasn’t responded with defensiveness? Being “defensive” is neither good nor bad. But adding the “ness” indicates a general pattern of over-protection that prevents people from feeling emotionally close. You can guard against negativity and lies, but you can also guard against I feel shame and I don’t want to be known right now.

A Healthy Defensive Protects You From Harmful Attacks

When you feel threatened, it’s okay to throw up your defenses. Usually, it happens automatically before you’re even fully aware of the danger.

Danger can be a genuine threat that will cause harm but it can also be a false perception. If you experience a situation that reminds you of a threat you’ve had to endure, you can perceive an innocent situation at the same threat level. It’s even possible to be so worn down by stressful experiences that a person can hold onto a generalized level of fear almost all the time. Another word for this is burned-out or it could even be Post Traumatic Stress.

If you take a piece of plastic and bend it, it will start to heat up and weaken. If you do it too much, it will snap. That same thing can happen with us when we experience too much stress in too short a time.

That’s why it is so important to be patient with others. You don’t know what threats they’ve faced. You probably don’t intend to harm anyone, but your behaviors could raise someone’s threat level.

An Unhealthy Defensive Prevents You From Receiving Love

Being defensive is such a natural response that it can be difficult to realize you’re doing anything wrong. Unless there is a real threat that you know you can’t handle, defensiveness blocks you from getting what you want. The good things you want from life will come to you as you learn the right time to be vulnerable.

It’s hard to ask for what you really want when you’re afraid that you’re not going to get it. Maybe you’ve had a string of times you’ve been forgotten. Maybe you’re convinced by now that your desires don’t matter. Whatever the reason, defensiveness might serve to protect you from further disappointment, but it will also protect you from that love you desire.

Now, what would a healthier version of that conversation look like?

Person A: Why are you yelling at me?

Person B: I’m don’t think I’m yelling. Am I being too loud for you?

Person A: When you speak like that I struggle to want to stay in the conversation with you. I can’t handle it. It’s too stressful for me. I don’t feel like you care how I’m feeling.

Person B: This seems like my normal voice. I’ll try to speak more calmly. I want to plan our vacation. I have to admit though, I can’t stand the idea of laying around all week at the beach. I’m concerned I’ll be miserable and I won’t have any fun. That isn’t going to help our relationship.

Person A: Vacations are something we should both enjoy. You don’t seem to realize how stressed I am. Camping out is always so much work. It’s certainly not relaxing.

Person B: Yeah, we’re both stressed. I suppose we could split up. You could go to the beach while I go camping. But that won’t work very well because the whole point is that we need to spend more time together. What if we found a place that has a beach and good hiking nearby?

Whenever you become aware of defensiveness, look for ways to turn it around using vulnerability.

Read more about how to Improve Your Communication.
Image by Bingo Naranjo from Pixabay

Repentence – The Other Side of Forgiveness

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Repentence + Forgiveness = Reconciliation

While the offended forgives, the offender repents. This is the only way to fully reconcile a relationship. Repentence does involve behavior change, but it must include more to be genuine. True repentence is an inward act by which we open our heart to God, so God can change it. A person can say, “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” But, it could be only, “I’m sorry I got caught.” There is a difference between Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. 2 Corinthians 7:10 says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

The Pain of an Inward Look

Looking inward is a necessary but uncomfortable part of repentence. Pride that shields our heart must be confronted and broken. Genuine repentence will result in us wanting to be good, not only acting good. We cannot be good on our own, but this is where God’s grace is needed. God is faithful to us to bring about circumstances that are intense enough to dismantle our defenses. And He does this in a way that preserves us – so we remain in relationship. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted…”

Reflections

Truly it is an evil to be full of faults, but it is a still greater evil to be full of them, and be unwilling to recognize them.
– Blaise Pascal

Christ accepts us as we are, but when He accepts us, we cannot remain as we are.
– Walter Tobisch

The stance of openness to receive is what I call the “catch” to grace. It must be received, and the Christian term for that act is repentence, the doorway to grace.
– Phillip Yancy

Resources

Book – Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall
– provides a comprehensive explanation of what forgiveness is and what it is not

Book – What’s So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancy
– provides a compeling case for no strings attached forgiveness

Prayer (Psalm 51:1-6)
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Continue reading on Bible Gateway

Is there anything you need to bring to God so He can clean your heart?

The 4 Steps to Growing a Fruitful Marriage

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You are probably thinking, “Awesome! Only four steps! I can be done next week.” But God made marriage to last a lifetime for a reason. The steps I am about to show you are real steps that we all go through at one time or another. But first, read Matthew 13:3-9.

Jesus uses the Parable of the Sower to speak about our receptivity to God’s words. Let’s consider how the parable also applies to marriage. The four types of soil in the parable match up with four types of relationships. From least to most desirable, these are Path, Rocks, Thorns, and Good Soil. The typical inexperienced couple begins as either Conflicted or Careless. Along the way, every couple experiences being Conflicted, Careless, and Choking before making it to Cooperating.

Ch01_Fruitful

The Conflicted Couple needs to learn how to experience a basic positive connection. The Careless Couple needs to experience and resolve conflict to build endurance. The Choking Couple needs to find a deeper enjoyment amidst the busyness of life. The Cooperating Couple needs to refine and maintain what they’ve accomplished so far.

As no person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. No matter which soil condition most closely describes your relationship, you can decide to grow a godly marriage by cultivating the path, clearing out the rocks, pulling out the thorns, and planting in the good soil. When you do this, you will be well on your way to yielding fruit one hundred times what was sown.

Genuine Rest Keeps Your Marriage Afloat

Genuine Rest Keeps Your Marriage Afloat

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You can’t rest if you’re treading water. If you have become too tired in life or in your marriage, you might need to swim to shore. I like analogies. They’re fun to work with because they can teach an abstract idea through a concrete picture.

I sometimes use swimming as an analogy for how to develop a healthy relationship. Water isn’t a human’s natural habitat. We were born out of water and into the air. No one can last but a few minutes underwater without needing to replenish their air supply. No one can tread water forever.

Without Rest You Won’t Last Long

Swimming takes an enormous amount of energy. Relationships do too. No one will last long if they try to make it through life alone. We need other people in our lives; we especially need God.

Imagine you are swimming in an ocean with your spouse. You can’t touch the bottom. You can’t see the shore. It won’t take long for you to become too tired to remain afloat. All you can do is tread water.

If you become tired and start to go under, you would naturally reach out for something or someone to help you keep your head above water. If the person you are with is also tired, grabbing onto them probably won’t help much, at least not for very long. It’s possible it could even accelerate the problem.

A desperate person will attempt to cling to whatever is in from of them. When you cling to your spouse in a panic, you might end up pulling them under with you. Clinging to your spouse only creates a false sense of hope. If you’re both tired, you’re better off keeping your distance. Unfortunately, when you are caught up in the emotions of a relationship, it’s difficult to be aware of how dependent you are and the subsequent danger.

An Abundance Of Rest Can Keep You Strong

Thank God that we weren’t meant to experience life alone. An individual can have family and friends. But, more importantly, each of us can rely on God to keep us afloat. Each person in a marriage needs to learn how to swim independent of the other, but sustained by God at the same time. To continue the analogy, God would be like a large rock sticking up out of the ocean. If you become tired, you could take a break by resting on the rock, instead of attempting to rest on your spouse.

Psalm 62 doesn’t mention swimming, but it certainly points out that God is the only true place of rest and security:

Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Psalm 62:1-2 NIV

God rescues us from our failing self-effort. He is the only true place of rest, energy, and strength. Because everyone else is treading water too, there’s no guarantee they will be reliable. Only God the rock is resting on the ocean floor. He is the only safe place that guarantees you will never drown.

Psalm 62 ends by saying that God is powerful and kind. Cling hard to God whenever life circumstances toss you around like ocean waves. If a marriage is failing, the primary reason is usually because one or both people try to cling harder to their spouse (or someone other than their spouse) than they try to cling to God.

God means for husband and wife to cling to each other too. A lifeguard doesn’t spend all their time in the water. They keep watch over swimmers from the shore. You can be there for your spouse, at least in short bursts of energy, if you’ve had sufficient rest on the rock.

Finish reading Psalm 62.
Read more about finding rest.
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Repair Trust Through Repeated Testing

Repair Trust Through Repeated Testing

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When you search for trust quotes you will find many popular ones. I’ve chosen two quotes to illustrate the best way to repair trust. The first quote is more helpful than the other because it is balanced and therefore more emotionally healthy.

Trust but verify.

Ronald Reagan

At first glance, you might think the “verify” part cancels the “trust” part. But, when you verify something, you test it to make sure it is doing what it claims to be doing. The more you test and determine its claims are valid, the more your trust will increase. The opposite is true, too. The more you find that the claims are false, the less you will trust.

The more you verify claims as upheld, the more you will trust. Then, after a certain amount of trust develops, you reach the point where it becomes akward and unnecessary to continue to verify so frequently.

Reputation Can Destroy Trust

Unfortunately, it’s possible to have tested encounters with other people and developed a general lack of trust. Instead of “Trust but verify,” your motto might be “Distrust and always verify” or even “Never trust again.” Broken trust can be so destructive that the people in your life today can pay for the lack of trustworthiness of the people from your past. If this sounds like you, then you might appreciate this second quote:

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.

Unknown

This quote makes a good point (that trust doesn’t automatically repair with only time) but it comes at the cost of being overly pessimistic. More accurate is: Trust requires integrity to build and it can be repaired with repentance. It is relatively easy for two motivated people to restore confidence in each other. It doesn’t have to take forever.

More than likely the person who came up with the forever-to-repair quote is dealing with a person who either refuses to repent or at least isn’t very good at it. If you’ve been burned a lot, trust won’t be easy. Trust shouldn’t be cheap. Trust should be given to people who prove themselves to be trustworthy. Verifying someone is trustworthy keeps them accountable. It’s part of the trust-building process.

A Swing Can Help You Repair Trust

Imagine you are visiting a friend’s house and they invite you to play on their swing. You generally trust your friend, but the swing looks rickety. Do you:

(a) Sit down with your full weight and swing as high as you can?
(b) Refuse to play on the swing?
(c) Attack your friend for suggesting that you use a broken swing?
(d) Gingerly sit down with half your weight?

Depending on your risk tolerance, you might be comfortable with any of the above. However, the best answer, at least with respect to trust, is (d). The other three have definite flaws. (a) could result in a serious injury. (b) communicates distrust and a lack of interest in pursuing trust. (c) communicates disrespect. (d) is superior because it pursues trust but it also attempts to verify your friend’s claims.

Option (d) works best because it is God’s definition of trust. A loving person is always willing to forgive, giving others the benefit of the doubt. That’s possible when the person sees the good, redeeming qualities in the other. Although waiting for a person to get their life in order can be painful and even take a long time, whatever makes them awesome is worth the wait.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

Trusting, or having confidence in another person, means you believe in them and therefore you’re never going to give up on them. Because God is love, this means God will never give up on you! He will keep testing you to improve your integrity (James 1:2-4).

Read more about repairing trust.
https://www.gotquestions.org/love-always-trusts.html
Image by Arek Socha from Pixabay

Headship And Submission Are The Big Guns

Headship And Submission Are The Big Guns

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If you’ve ever been in an argument, you know it can escalate quickly. Before long you both can resort to bringing out the big guns–meant to finally win the battle. If you find yourself using the biblical roles of headship and submission to make your point, realize that you could be using the nuclear option.

Demanding that your spouse submit or sacrifice for you isn’t a healthy way to resolve conflict.

Some conversations attempting to resolve conflict are messy arguments and some are civil discussions. Sometimes an honest discussion can be heated, and that’s okay, provided you know how to repair any collateral damage.

All healthy discussions need to be based in reality. There is no perfect wife and there is no perfect husband. The Bible sets the bar high for how to treat your spouse, but God doesn’t intend for anyone to “weaponize” the scriptures.

God commands the husband to lay down his life and the wife to submit, both in service to the common good. The command comes from God. It doesn’t work when it comes from your spouse.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5:22-27 NIV

Healthy Headship and Submission Preserve Unity

Headship and submission allow a marriage to work. They are needed to find the way out of a stalemate (no pun intended). They are really meant to be a last resort to preserve the unity in your marriage.

You can resolve a large majority of conflict by using good communication skills. If you have good communication, you shouldn’t have to mention the words headship or submission. If you can’t resolve most of your issues with a win-win result, you have a different problem. Playing the “you’re supposed to submit” or “you’re supposed to sacrifice” card won’t help you find a win-win.

Healthy Headship and Submission Avoid Sin

If your issue isn’t life or death, then likely you don’t have to make an immediate decision one way or the other. Instead, move forward when you both have peace. God cares more about how you get along than whether you decide to buy a new car or not.

For a wife, there’s a difference between submitting to your husband’s healthy ideas and his sin. For example, God doesn’t require a wife to submit to a husband who wants to rob a bank. The same applies to a husband and his sacrifice. God didn’t want Adam to follow Eve into her sin.

You sacrifice or submit when your spouse has reached their limits. When your spouse’s maturity level blocks the conflict resolution, you yield out of compassion for them. You bear the consequences of their sin, forgiving them.

This requires healthy discernment. Both husband and wife should be committed to growth, but God allows you to yield to your spouse when their distress is too high.

Healthy Headship and Submission Encourage Equality

It would be wrong to give in to your spouse all the time just because of God’s command to you. Promoting ongoing selfishness in each other is its own sin. You will reach peak marital satisfaction when you are both happy most of the time. It’s okay to get your way some of the time. But you might also need to hear that it’s okay to not get your way some of the time.

However you resolve your conflict, it’s important that you return as quickly as possible to the sense that you are equals. Headship (love) and submission (respect) give you the opportunity to meet some of your spouse’s deepest emotional needs.

Image by Michael Drummond from Pixabay

The Reality of Death

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Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
Genesis 3:7-8 ESV

I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.
Genesis 3:16-17 ESV
Ch02_TimelineGod told Adam, “You will die when you eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil” (Genesis 2:17). Then God created Eve. God or Adam must have told Eve because she knew at least a distorted version of God’s command (Genesis 3:3). Adam and Eve lost paradise when they chose to trust in themselves over dependence upon God. When they disobeyed Him, they died spiritually and lost their secure connection with Him. Encountering fear and shame for the first time must have been brutal. Preoccupied with grief, they were unaware of the depth of the problem. Little did they realize they were powerless to undo the mess they had gotten into.

Your Marriage and the Parable of the Sower

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Parable of the Sower

In Matthew 13, Jesus shares the Parable of the Sower. Jesus used the parable to speak about a person’s receptivity to God’s words. Let’s consider how God’s words apply to marriage. The four types of soil in the parable match up with four types of relationships.

On the Path: Conflicted Couple

Jesus makes it clear that the path is literally the hardest place to be. In marriage, when both people’s hearts are hard, look out, because they will either tear each other apart, or be so disengaged that no relationship exists. Either way, the result is a barren (unfruitful) relationship. An infertile, hardened heart will likely result in divorce. In Mark 10:1-12, Jesus explains that divorce is not God’s intention, but was permitted because of hardened hearts.

Jesus says the seed sown along the path is like someone hearing the words, but having no understanding. The ground is so hard – the seed cannot penetrate – so growth cannot begin. There is no life. This couple may be together only by habit and convenience. If this couple has not already given up, they are in danger of separation, divorce, or some type of extra-marital affair.

On the Rocks: Careless Couple

This couple has experienced their relationship as easy so far. This type of relationship usually starts off quickly (received with joy) and may even appear to be thriving (shoots up quickly). This couple acts too quickly without considering if they can finish what they started; they act without really understanding.

This couple is unaware of the complexity of a relationship, which tends to propel the couple to seek the benefits of marriage before building a foundation to sustain the benefits. This impatience may show up, for example, as a financial crisis (debt) or as a pregnancy before marriage. Overall the couple is faced with the serious responsibilities of marrige before they are mature enough to resolve the complications. The complications then become crisises.

Among the Thorns: Choking Couple

This couple has the right idea, but they execute poorly. Intimacy between the couple is blocked or stalled. The couple has a high regard for marriage, but remains disconnected for lack of translating beliefs into action. It is like having a car in good working order, but no fuel. The marriage is also characterized by a lack of emotion and expressiveness.

The couple is distracted by worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth. There is a strangle-hold on the marriage – choking it and making it unfruitful. While the potential is high, this couple has allowed too many weeds to grow in the garden of their marriage. The marital relationship is last on a long list of other things now more interesting.

In Good Soil: Cooperating Couple

This couple is both mature (having a high regard for marriage) and experienced (having acted out their convictions). Marriages are not born this way; they must be created, first through inspiration, then through perspiration.

Connection follows from belief. If the marriage vision is not renewed and revisited regularly, complacency can set in. Every couple is susceptible to the deterioration of their relationship. To prevent this, they must regularly refresh their understanding of why they are doing what they are doing. They must have an answer to: “Why is the struggle worth it?” This couple will not drift as long as they continue to act on their beliefs.

Reflections

Where are You?

As no person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. No matter which soil condition more closely describes your relationship, set your goal to increase your knowledge of marriage God’s way and then increase your practice of marriage. When you do this, you will be well on your way to yielding fruit one-hundred times what was sown.

Resources

Matthew 13:23
But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Objectivity in Dating Part III

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Objectivity in Dating – Part III

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. The following is continued from Part II.

Flaws

Flaws are not bad; no one is perfect. But, some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others. If you marry someone who is farther away, you will need to invest more effort up front to have a working relationship. When someone like Sally is “in love,” he or she will more easily overlook flaws. This can happen because Sally let herself be in such a need to find a car that she is desperate to have the first one that appears to make her feel comfortable. Desperation directly results in a loss of objectivity. The longer she spends with the car, the more attached she becomes to it.

Be Objective, then Subjective

Attachment and passion are subjective. This is good because they can keep a couple together – after they have committed to each other. But before marriage and before going on too many dates, it is important to stay objective and evaluate a potential mate. This requires patience and being tough, some would say. When you are first meeting someone, this is the time you are most objective. The longer you know someone the harder it is to be objective. That is why it is so hard to break up with someone the longer you have spent together – you’ve already formed an attachment. Staying objective early on prevents you from getting into a relationship with a person who is not ready to be in a relationship – due to “maintenance needs”.

Conclusion

The process of selecting a date or a mate is a subjective one. It is supposed to be. But for these very reasons, it can also be a daunting one. Seeing a counselor during this time provides the added objectivity to help you sort through your values and feelings so you can make a wise decision. NRC counselors are available to help you find the right person and be the right person.

Reflections

  1. Be willing to act tough (look objectively) on where you are at in your relationship (it’s maturity), while offering total acceptance of each other.
  2. Consider bringing your relationship in front of a pair of trained eyes, so you can work through any difficulties early in your relationship.

Resources

1 Cor 13:7-8

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Read on Bible Gateway

Ro 12:9-10

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another … in honor giving preference to one another.

Read on Bible Gateway

Objectivity in Dating – Part II

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Objectivity in Dating – Part II

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. The following is continued from Part I.

Sally

Then it happens. Sally is all set to drive to work one day and the car refuses to start! It’s only been four months since she purchased it. When Sally is the owner, the seller is not responsible for the car – she is. She makes arrangements to take it to a mechanic and finds an alternate way to work. The mechanic calls her later that day with the news, “Your car needs $477 worth of repairs to get it working again. There’s also an oil leak. It will eventually need to be fixed and it will be at least $2000.” “Whoa,” reels Sally, “this car I love is costing me dearly!”

This could happen to anyone. Even if a person is careful to select a mate, there are no guarantees. Our relationships will always require hard work. However, it is possible to do our part to avoid unnecessary heartache. It would be nice to think God would always prevent us from buying a car that needed a lot of work, but He doesn’t. At least He doesn’t all the time. And He is less likely (or we are less able to hear Him) if we are not praying and asking Him to help us make the decision.

A Better Way

Let’s take a closer look at what Sally could have done differently to reduce the likelihood of getting a lemon (but note that once you have a lemon you make lemonade). First, it is positive that she took the car for many test drives. This provides opportunities to experience the car and see how it performs in more than just one drive. However, if Sally has already determined that this car is the one for her, she has already lost most of her objectivity. So while continuing to spend more time with her selection, she is only “falling more in love” which means she is increasingly more likely to overlook any flaws.

To Be Continued

Flaws are not bad; no one is perfect. But, some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others…
Stay tuned next week for Part III.

Reflections

  1. Before you are married, are you both feeling “in love” and maintaining objectivity to choose the right person at the right time?
  2. After you are married, are you acting like an “owner” or are you still thinking like a “renter”?

Resources

Luke 14:28-30

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’

Read on Bible Gateway

Objectivity in Dating

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Objectivity in Dating – Part I

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. Let’s consider an example to illustrate this idea.

Sally’s Story

Sally, 24 years old and a recent college graduate, needs to find transportation quickly so she can get to work every day. She looks around and takes a car for a test drive. She likes the color, feels comfortable sitting in the car, the car looks to be in good shape, and the car handles the road with ease. It is love at first sight! She comes back the next day and the next, taking the car on drives. Each time she takes the car out for longer drives. Sally is in love with this car!

Sally plans the date of purchase (the wedding), signs the financial papers and finally drives the car away never to return because she is now the proud owner. From this moment forward, everything is different. Sally must drive this car everywhere she goes. She needs this car to take her to work every day. She has to take the car in for maintenance to get the oil changed, rotate the tires, etc. Her whole perspective on the car changes from being a distant admirer, to an up-close admirer, to an up-close owner.

Then it happens. Sally is all set to drive to work one day and the car refuses to start! It’s only been four months since she purchased it. When Sally is the owner, the seller is not responsible for the car – she is…

To Be Continued

Stay tuned next week for Part II.

Reflections

  1. Check your heart. Are you making a dating decision too fast?
  2. What is the difference between leasing (dating) and owning (marriage)?
  3. Are you allowing God to be a part of your mate selection?

Resources

2 Corinthians 6:14

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Read on Bible Gateway

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Read on Bible Gateway

Genesis 2:18

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Read on Bible Gateway