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Marriage

People Fall In Love And Break Up For A Surprising Reason

People Fall In Love And Break Up For A Surprising Reason

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Reading time: 5 minutes

Have you ever wondered why relationships end in heartbreak? Frequently, people fall in love and break up for one and the same reason.

People fall in love because of a strong desire to be loved. They break up when they are faced with their or their partner’s inability to love. The challenge of loving well is that people need to be loved for who they are, not for their level of performance. Believers in Jesus will grow in their ability to love, but there are no guarantees of a perfect love. Only God is capable of that. Pursue a romantic relationship because of what a partner can realistically offer based on who God made him or her to be. Seeking a partner while hoping for what is unrealistic only perpetuates an illusion of love.

Don’t Fall in Love Based on an Illusion

An illusion of love is enough to draw you into a relationship, but it’s not enough to keep you in the relationship. You will feel awesome when you first connect with someone and feel mutual appreciation. The initial connection is extremely important, but it’s only one essential part of a healthy relationship.

What fuels the illusion of love? Because you need love, it’s easy to assume your partner must have the maturity to provide it. Don’t confuse your need for love with your partner’s ability to provide love. Character is revealed over time under both ideal and tragic circumstances. It’s easy to fall in love with being in love, especially when it’s portrayed as a magical experience. We see it in movies, read about it in books, and hear about it in love songs. This idealized version of love sets a painful trap that can be difficult to resist and equally difficult to escape.

When you fall for what you imagine a person can offer before truly knowing a person, you set yourself up for disappointment. You can build up unrealistic expectations and project your desires onto your partner, hoping he or she can fulfill your every need. You can become so fixated on this idealized version of love that you fail to see the person in front of you for who he or she truly is.

This illusion of love can also prevent you from seeing the red flags or warning signs that may indicate an unhealthy relationship. You may ignore your gut instincts, dismiss any concerns, and believe that things will work out in the end if you’re mesmerized by love’s potential. You can become so invested in the fantasy that you lose sight of the reality.

To Really Fall in Love, Become Disillusioned

The desire for love can cause you to reject the reality that you and your partner are flawed and imperfect beings. You may place your partner on a pedestal and hold him or her accountable for your emotional well-being, disregarding your partner’s needs and limitations.

Your unmet emotional needs can serve as a catalyst for disillusionment. When you enter into a partnership, you often bring with you a set of expectations and desires, hoping that your partner will fulfill them. These needs may vary from person to person, but they can range from wanting emotional support and validation to seeking constant attention and affection.

Relying solely on your partner to meet all of your emotional needs can create a recipe for disappointment. No one person can be everything to you, and expecting your partner to be sets you up for failure. While it is important for a healthy relationship to provide emotional support and meet certain needs, it is equally vital to recognize that each individual has their own limitations and cannot fulfill every desire.

When your emotional needs go unmet, it can lead to feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment. You may start to question the strength of your connection, wondering why your partner isn’t fulfilling your expectations. This disillusionment can create a rift in the relationship, eroding the foundation of love that seemed strong at one time. This can lead to relationship recycling–giving up on the current person in your life to find another that can keep the illusion of perfect love alive.

Instead, go with the disillusionment because it prepares you to see reality. Understanding that your partner is a flawed individual, just like you, enables you to approach your partner with more understanding and acceptance. It allows you to have realistic expectations and to appreciate your partner’s unique qualities, instead of constantly comparing him or her to an unattainable ideal.

Fall in Love with Jesus Before You Fall in Love

Jesus is our all-knowing, all-loving God who can provide the comfort, understanding, and unconditional love that we long for. In this way, He embodies the qualities we desire in a partner.

Knowing God is the perfect person can lead you to expect your partner to live up to impossible standards. Because you have such a desire for love, it is normal to expect that someone should be capable of loving you. If you emerge from childhood without having experienced enough love, you can unconsciously shift your expectations to your partner. You might know that God is loving, but project your idealized image of Him onto your partner, expecting him or her to provide the love, patience, and understanding you desperately need.

Instead, fall in love with the reality that God is the ultimate source of love. He makes others’ love for us possible. Allow God to love you through other people besides only your partner. Seek support from outside your relationship, such as from friends, family, or therapists, to fulfill certain needs that cannot be met by only your partner.

When you fall in love, the initial infatuation is not enough by itself to prevent heartbreak. Only relationships infused with God’s love have the strength to go the distance. By knowing Jesus as the source of love, you can liberate yourself from relationship recycling and discover genuine contentment.

Learn more about God’s Love.
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Avoid Taking Actions Personally

Avoid Taking Actions Personally

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Taking actions personally means placing too much emphasis on another’s words or behaviors. The hurt you experience makes it easier to become offended. Taking actions personally means that you are allowing another’s behavior to get to you. Their words become harmful to you. Taking actions personally means you feel invalidated. To be invalid means to be wrong or weak.

It’s possible to be wrong in a factual way. I thought it was too hot outside, but you are right, it’s actually pleasant. Even though being wrong in this way can be hard for some people, it doesn’t usually result in becoming offended. It’s also possible to feel wrong in a personal way. I failed to recognize my daughter is sad; I am defective. That feeling of being defective is shame. It cuts to the core. It is a state of not feeling accepted or wanted for who you are.

Taking Actions Personally Creates Rejection

Rejection isn’t fun. It can be quite disorienting and debilitating. It can cause self-doubt to fester. Without the internal strength to discount negative, painful messages, people can become defensive. Being defensive means attempting to manage the pain through some form of counter-attack or deflection. I don’t know how to defend against this, so I will go on the offensive to shift the focus away from me. While you can see that defensiveness has a purpose (to protect), it, unfortunately, often ends up inflaming an already tense situation.

Taking Actions Personally Increases Conflict

How can someone else’s struggle give life to (trigger) your personal struggle? It happens when you allow another’s words to become an offense. To work through conflict, it’s important to see clearly how this happens. The focus shifts from another’s problem to your problem. Instead of one wounded person, there are now two. Two upset people dramatically increase the likelihood of an unhealthy argument.

A wounded person feels threatened. There is danger. The greater the threat, the more resilience is needed to prevent a deeper wound. The less confidence people feel in dealing with an attack, the greater their sense of desperation. People in great distress will more likely act impulsively. They might subconsciously hold to it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Taking Actions Personally Reveals Vulnerability

It can be a tactic to expose people and use what is learned against them. This can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more offensive a message, the more energy is needed to resist it. The more defensive energy put into resisting, the more the energy is directed back to the other.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 15:1,2,4 NIV

Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.

Proverbs 10:12 NLT

The opposite of offended is validated. Instead of giving others what they don’t need (destructive words), try giving others what they do need. Instead of returning rejection with more rejection, offer acceptance. This doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you or take advantage of you. You should maintain healthy boundaries at all times. However, it’s possible to have boundaries and offer words that bring healing instead of harm.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 4:23, 12:18 NIV

When tempted to take actions personally, consider your need for validation. God is the richest source of validation. What He says about you matters more than anyone else. When you are triggered, seek Him with all your heart so you can experience true security. God’s love for you is immovable, constant, permanent.

Learn more about conflict resolution.
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Could Artificial Intelligence Cripple Relationships?

Could Artificial Intelligence Cripple Relationships?

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Could someone fall in love with an Artificial Intelligence (AI) robot? Many movies have raised this question of whether a robot could replace a human [1]. Could this be a dangerous possibility because the technology to fool people is improving?

Anything can become an idol. Keep in mind that all idols are inferior to God. People can know something is fake and still become unhealthily enthralled with it. It’s possible to become addicted to just about anything. Movies and books might seem tame compared to virtual reality (VR) or AI robots but they can be just as enticing. Some people will use whatever means they can to lead others into sin. Sometimes it is intentional and sometimes not. Regardless, anything less than God will not ultimately satisfy the human heart. But, people continue to try to find satisfaction elsewhere.

What is Artificial Intelligence?

Artificial Intelligence (AI) is a computer program that uses statistical methods to identify patterns in data (stored, interconnected knowledge) to simulate understanding. With enough data and a sophisticated method, a program could appear to be human. AI is artificial because it is not living. It has no soul, no spirit. It is also artificial because it cannot change its programming or create new data without human help.

Is Artificial Intelligence Capable of Human Intelligence?

Larson, in his book The Myth of Artificial Intelligence, makes a clear argument that AI is not close to understanding how humans think. We have an intelligence that cannot be replicated through deduction or induction. Deduction is using logic to solve problems given information that already exists. It doesn’t add new knowledge, it only finds hidden knowledge. Induction is predicting future events based on the statistics of past events. For example, if I always pull a white marble from a bag, then I could declare that all the marbles in the bag are (probably) white.

AI that matches human creative capability requires abduction which is generating new ideas, thoughts, and summaries that go beyond the existing data. It makes a leap to what might be. It is not always accurate, but it can lead to breakthrough discoveries. Abduction is the domain of humans. AI will always be dependent on humans for new data [8].

Could Robots Become Close Enough to Human?

With enough data and programming, there will likely come a day when a robot can appear human, at least in terms of its ability to regurgitate facts. A computer will never be capable of emotion. Robots follow their programming; they do not care about anything else. Emotions, abstract thought, and creative ability distinguish humans from everything else God created. We are made in his image so God has these essential qualities but only more so because His ways are higher than our ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV

The same could be said for anything a human can create. A creature cannot be more complicated than its creator. As Christians, we should spend at least as much time looking up to God as we do looking (down) at created things.

Why settle for Artificial Intelligence when we have access to our Creator’s Infinite Intelligence? It is easy to settle when it seems like God is “too high” to be relatable. It is hard to see God when He is not right there in front of us. The Chosen has helped me see God as more accessible through Jesus.

[1] List of movies about robot-human relationships.
Learn more about addictions.
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Fight Fair Even When Triggered

Fight Fair Even When Triggered

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Reading time: 4 minutes

What does it mean to be triggered? People become triggered under the following conditions:

  1. Their current reaction is out of proportion to the current activity.
  2. A negative experience (trauma) accounts for the difference between the two.

In this post, I explain how to use triggers to help you better understand yourself. Truly understanding yourself and others is the best way to resolve conflict. But finding understanding is hard work. Proverbs 4 tells us to get understanding even if it costs us everything (all of our earthly possessions anyway).

Get wisdom, get understanding;
    do not forget my words or turn away from them.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
    love her, and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
    Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
Cherish her, and she will exalt you;
    embrace her, and she will honor you.
She will give you a garland to grace your head
    and present you with a glorious crown.”

Proverbs 4:5-9 NIV

The consequences of a lack of understanding are costly, leading to the destruction of relationships. In the remainder of this post, let us assume you are in conflict with “Person X”. A negative reaction to being triggered is to lash out at Person X (which only degrades the relationship further).

Why are we arguing over who is going to plan the next vacation? People are often confused by how a simple matter can produce such a heated conflict. But there really is no great mystery. There could be many reasons but they all come about because of an inability to handle life.

People manage life poorly because they lack the experiences that can teach the truth about who they are. Sometimes this “lack” takes the form of not getting enough positives (such as nurturing) and other times it is caused by getting too many negatives (such as abuse).

How to Fight Fair When Triggered

The absolute first action to take when you are triggered is to start entertaining the idea that you must be upset by more than just what is happening at the moment. A close second is to recognize that you probably have a good reason for being upset, even if you do not have a good reason for attacking Person X.

At this point, you might see that these first two steps require a rational response. Usually, however, by the time a person is already triggered, it is too late: logical thinking is nearly impossible. That’s because when people feel threatened by the conflict, their bodies respond with adrenaline to help them deal with the challenge. The best you can do, once you are aware, is to disengage from Person X until you can think clearly again.

After you calm down, explore what caused such a dramatic reaction. What from your past crashed into that recent encounter? For example, if you become triggered by feeling responsible for planning a vacation, then consider what other times in your life you resented being the responsible one who takes care of the details. Doing this as an exercise will provide a map of sorts. You should be able to see the link between similar events.

After you have a map, take it to Person X. Explain the map to them. You might find it necessary to further explain that you are not making excuses for your behavior but are trying to provide an explanation. This is helpful because it provides context which should increase the understanding Person X has of you.

Understanding Builds Resilience to Being Triggered

Understanding is the top goal in achieving better communication. After you reach an understanding, negotiating a solution becomes almost simple (relatively speaking). I say this because understanding paves a path to resolving conflict. In this context, understanding means knowing what you want and why you want it. However, this is difficult to achieve.

There are at least two huge obstacles to understanding:

  1. Only God understands everyone (and everything).
  2. It is challenging to understand yourself, let alone another person, let alone a person very different from you.

If you want to fight fair and resolve conflict consider your answer to these two questions:

  1. Do you really want to understand yourself?
  2. Do you really want to understand Person X?

How much understanding is good enough? We don’t have eternity to reach an understanding, therefore, to solve day-to-day problems, understanding must be made practical. This means putting enough effort into gaining understanding that will allow you to resolve conflict and live peaceably with Person X.

Learn more about conflict resolution.
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Spirited Resilience Minimizes Interference

Spirited Resilience Minimizes Interference

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Resilience is toughness: the capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties. Life is a series of difficulties. With God’s help, you can develop resilience to the decaying nature of this world.

Many events in life bring happiness and many bring sadness. Everyone has their share of both, but some people experience more sadness than others. For them, if they can fix their attention on the next life, they can develop resilience in this life.

Electronic Resilience

Recently, I remembered what is often printed on the back of electronic equipment. Such electronics need to have resilience. Any particular item cannot be so sensitive that another could easily destroy it. Here is what is written on the back of my DVD player:

Operation is subject to the following two conditions:

  1. This device may not cause harmful interference.
  2. This device must accept any interference received, including interference that may cause undesired operation.

It is interesting that such a law exists for electronic devices. It is a simple, but profound rule that allows many kinds of electronics to be in operation at the same time and in the same space–without interfering with each other.

Some interference might be annoying (the device will not work). But other interference apparently can cause “undesired operation.” Could someone create an electronic device that could overload other devices, turning them into some kind of hazard?

Human Resilience

What if these conditions could be applied to human relationships? The first condition is God’s desire that we stop sinning. We are not supposed to harm others–repay evil with evil. He empowers us to do so by His Spirit, but even Christians have the potential to keep sinning. The second condition defines resilience. Even when others sin against us, God wants us to “turn the other cheek” instead of responding with more destructive interference.

“You have heard the law that says the punishment must match the injury: ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say, do not resist an evil person! If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too.

Matthew 5:38-40 NLT

Marriage Resilience

What does this look like in marriage? First of all, God does not want husbands and wives to harm each other. This is easier said than done. Intimacy with another person stirs up hope that our deepest desires will be met. While this is a good thing, it also means the possibility of significant disappointment or even heartbreak.

Some people will respond by shutting down. Instead of being in a situation where hopes are raised and then crushed, it seems best to not feel hopeful about desires being met. Technically, shutting down meets the definition of resilience because becoming tough or calloused 1) does not overtly cause interference and 2) blocks interference from others. Pulling the plug on an electrical device during an electric storm is wise, but the device will be useless if it is never plugged in again.

Shutting down works in short bursts during intense interference. But more is required to be in a loving relationship. God would have us continue to be vulnerable (turn the other cheek, accept interference but stay involved) in relationships, even if it means getting slapped sometimes.

Can you try moving toward other people in your life, even though they have hurt you? Developing resilience is an ongoing effort. It’s not possible to respond perfectly to others like Jesus was able to when He was being set up and crucified. Sometimes the interference we receive causes undesired operation (a sinful response in us). But this does not have to end in tossing your life into the junk pile.

Take the time you need to develop resilience but don’t give up on God’s truth that you are wanted, are valuable, and have a purpose. Perhaps God could print these conditions on our hearts.

This human being is subject to the following two conditions:

  1. This heart may not cause harmful interference to another heart.
  2. This heart must accept any interference received, including interference that may cause undesired pain and suffering.

Learn more about Conflict Resolution.
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Blame And Defensiveness Exposed

Blame And Defensiveness Exposed

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Who do you blame for life’s problems? How easy is it to identify the source of a problem? What do you blame? When? Why? How often? You might accuse others or you might condemn yourself of some wrongdoing.

Blaming shifts the focus of responsibility. While this tactic might be used for good purposes, I am writing about blame when it is activated for purely selfish purposes.

Blame is Possible Because of a Standard of Behavior

In order to accuse someone of wrongdoing, there must first be some standard in mind, otherwise, the complaint makes no sense. But a blaming statement is meant to carry the weight of authority behind it.

  1. You cut me off in traffic.
  2. You punched me in the face.
  3. You called me names to denounce my worth.
  4. You took the last cookie.
  5. You went to bed without saying goodnight.
  6. You spend too much time with your friends, your computer, your work, your family.
  7. You don’t want to understand me.

What do all of these have in common? They speak of an expectation for behavior, for someone else’s behavior. They could be statements of fact, but they could also be spoken with an edge of condemnation.

We desire to be treated in a way that meets our emotional needs. We also desire to be capable of treating others well. But others fall short and so do we. How well do you love? How badly do you want to love well? What does it mean to you when others love you well?

Blame can be an attack and so blame-shifting is a natural counter-attack. Consider these responses to the above accusations:

  1. You drive too slowly.
  2. You provoked me by continuing to nag.
  3. You don’t understand what I’ve been through.
  4. You never claimed it for your own.
  5. I was too tired to think.
  6. You’re trying to control me.
  7. You’re impossible to understand.

As you can see, the argument is not over whether a standard even exists. It is over the extenuating circumstances, the technicalities of its fulfillment. No one is eager to admit failing to meet the standard. No one wants to feel inadequate to meet the standard.

Blame is Possible Because We Have a Choice

God has standards or laws for many aspects of His creation. Gravity is a law or standard of expected behavior. When a ball is dropped, it falls to the ground. The ball doesn’t have a choice. Gravity would act upon the ball even if the ball could desire to remain suspended in the air.

What about the standards that God has for us? The Bible speaks of the law.

Why, then, was the law given? It was given alongside the promise to show people their sins.

Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith. And now that the way of faith has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian.

Galatians 3:19a,24,25

We no longer need the law as a guardian because we have God Himself as our example of love and our teacher of love. The standard causes us to depend on God to meet the standard. We have the option to sin. We can act against God’s Spirit. We can deviate from His law of behavior.

Unlike the law of gravity that acts upon us involuntarily, God does not forcefully ensure that we love when we don’t want to, or can’t. The law acts upon us from the outside, but God acts from the inside with our cooperation.

When we are faced with our inadequacy to fulfill the law, the natural, sinful response is to minimize the law. My inability to meet your expectations is not my fault. Your standards are too high. You sabotaged my ability to meet them. It’s your fault. You are to blame. The defensive response can seem involuntary because it can come so quickly.

Because we cannot escape from God’s standard, we have only these options to manage God’s standard:

  1. Ignore it (pretend it doesn’t exist).
  2. Downplay it (it exists, but can’t possibly be taken seriously).
  3. Admit falling short but stubbornly hold to independence, living with condemnation (refusing God’s help through Jesus).
  4. Admit falling short but fully depend on God’s help to meet the standard.

The first three will illicit some form of blaming. But when we depend upon God, we no longer have a need for blaming or defensiveness.

Read more about resolving conflict.
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