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Fight Fair Even When Triggered

Fight Fair Even When Triggered

July 2, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

What does it mean to be triggered? People become triggered under the following conditions:

  1. Their current reaction is out of proportion to the current activity.
  2. A negative experience (trauma) accounts for the difference between the two.

In this post, I explain how to use triggers to help you better understand yourself. Truly understanding yourself and others is the best way to resolve conflict. But finding understanding is hard work. Proverbs 4 tells us to get understanding even if it costs us everything (all of our earthly possessions anyway).

Get wisdom, get understanding;
    do not forget my words or turn away from them.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
    love her, and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
    Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
Cherish her, and she will exalt you;
    embrace her, and she will honor you.
She will give you a garland to grace your head
    and present you with a glorious crown.”

Proverbs 4:5-9 NIV

The consequences of a lack of understanding are costly, leading to the destruction of relationships. In the remainder of this post, let us assume you are in conflict with “Person X”. A negative reaction to being triggered is to lash out at Person X (which only degrades the relationship further).

Why are we arguing over who is going to plan the next vacation? People are often confused by how a simple matter can produce such a heated conflict. But there really is no great mystery. There could be many reasons but they all come about because of an inability to handle life.

People manage life poorly because they lack the experiences that can teach the truth about who they are. Sometimes this “lack” takes the form of not getting enough positives (such as nurturing) and other times it is caused by getting too many negatives (such as abuse).

How to Fight Fair When Triggered

The absolute first action to take when you are triggered is to start entertaining the idea that you must be upset by more than just what is happening at the moment. A close second is to recognize that you probably have a good reason for being upset, even if you do not have a good reason for attacking Person X.

At this point, you might see that these first two steps require a rational response. Usually, however, by the time a person is already triggered, it is too late: logical thinking is nearly impossible. That’s because when people feel threatened by the conflict, their bodies respond with adrenaline to help them deal with the challenge. The best you can do, once you are aware, is to disengage from Person X until you can think clearly again.

After you calm down, explore what caused such a dramatic reaction. What from your past crashed into that recent encounter? For example, if you become triggered by feeling responsible for planning a vacation, then consider what other times in your life you resented being the responsible one who takes care of the details. Doing this as an exercise will provide a map of sorts. You should be able to see the link between similar events.

After you have a map, take it to Person X. Explain the map to them. You might find it necessary to further explain that you are not making excuses for your behavior but are trying to provide an explanation. This is helpful because it provides context which should increase the understanding Person X has of you.

Understanding Builds Resilience to Being Triggered

Understanding is the top goal in achieving better communication. After you reach an understanding, negotiating a solution becomes almost simple (relatively speaking). I say this because understanding paves a path to resolving conflict. In this context, understanding means knowing what you want and why you want it. However, this is difficult to achieve.

There are at least two huge obstacles to understanding:

  1. Only God understands everyone (and everything).
  2. It is challenging to understand yourself, let alone another person, let alone a person very different from you.

If you want to fight fair and resolve conflict consider your answer to these two questions:

  1. Do you really want to understand yourself?
  2. Do you really want to understand Person X?

How much understanding is good enough? We don’t have eternity to reach an understanding, therefore, to solve day-to-day problems, understanding must be made practical. This means putting enough effort into gaining understanding that will allow you to resolve conflict and live peaceably with Person X.

Learn more about conflict resolution.
Image by Мария Ткачук from Pixabay

Filed Under: Conflict Resolution, Identity, Marriage

Play Is Essential To Being Your Best

Play Is Essential To Being Your Best

August 4, 2019 by Matt Pavlik 5 Comments

Reading time: 3 minutes

When you rake leaves in your yard, is it fun or work? Your answer probably depends on your purpose. Your goal might be to play in the leaves. Or, it might be to make your yard look presentable when you’d rather be doing something more fun.

Children will spend hours raking leaves when they see it as fun. But tell them it’s a chore they have to do, and they’ll spend hours moving slowly and complaining about the job.

What is Play?

Play is a time-out from reality in order to better understand reality. Share on X

In his classic book Homo Ludens, Johan Huizinga defined play as “a free activity standing quite consciously outside ‘ordinary’ life as being ‘not serious,’ but at the same time absorbing the player intensely and utterly. It is an activity connected with no material interest, and no profit can be gained by it. It proceeds within its own proper boundaries of time and space according to fixed rules and in an orderly manner.”

Play can be work you enjoy; if it becomes drudgery, it has become something else. Play is relaxing; if it becomes stressful, it has become something else. People choose to play; if it is forced, it has become something else. Play is a glimpse of heaven. If it involves sin (missing God’s ideal), it has become something else.

Play is Related to Purpose and Rest

Play is important because it allows you to connect with the reason God created you. Kids use their imagination to re-create (recreate, grow, build) their understanding of God, self, and life. Forgetting how to have fun is never a good thing. Perhaps the Sabbath is meant to be a time to have fun instead of working so hard.

If your life is all about work, you’ll see yourself as an object that others use. You lose your value. You believe what you want is irrelevant. With a worldview like this, you become only a shell of a person. You can become so focused on tasks that you no longer feel like a person.

One of my favorite things to do is install insulation in a hot attic. Just kidding! I’ve taken on this task a couple of times and it always triggers the thought, this must be what hell feels like. Isolation from people. Irritation from glass fibers. Extreme heat. Maybe insulating is better as a non-summer activity? I’d rather be raking leaves.

When work becomes the priority in life, you’ll lose touch with your true purpose and you’ll become depressed. That’s because you’re made for more than being a machine. Machines don’t have feelings; they tolerate meaningless repetition.

God made you to have fun. He made you to experience joy.

Different people will define “fun” differently. What is work to one, will be fun to another. There will even be different times when what was once work is play, or what was once play is work.

How Much Fun Are You (Having)?

Could you be experiencing depression or anxiety because you have a faulty view of life that emphasizes work over play? Maybe you didn’t become this way on purpose, but your life has changed slowly and now you’ve forgotten how to have fun.

Do a quick check of your current lifestyle.

How much of your life is work and how much is fun?
Has your “fun” turned into a chore?
When was the last time you let loose with an all-out belly laugh?
When was the last time you chose to be more extravagant than efficient?
What are you afraid will happen if you pursue more fun in your life?

Heaven is going to be like work that feels like play, not play that feels like work. Share on X

With the right motivation, your work will honor God, but God also taught His people to have times of celebration and rest. See Luke 15:23-24 and Psalm 118:24.

So this week, will you be intentional about truly playing? Set some time aside for this ultimate way to enter God’s rest. You can’t reach God’s purpose for your life without play.

Read about desire fulfillment.
Image by Annie Spratt from Pixabay
Last updated June 25, 2023

Filed Under: Boundaries, Identity, Spiritual Formation Tagged With: play, purpose, rest

Authentic Sharing Leaves People Blessed

Authentic Sharing Leaves People Blessed

June 18, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

We thrive when God shares His life with us through Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Sharing your life with others might be the best way to encourage someone. Paul describes his desire for mutual edification to the believers in Rome:

One of the things I always pray for is the opportunity, God willing, to come at last to see you. For I long to visit you so I can bring you some spiritual gift that will help you grow strong in the Lord. When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours.

Romans 1:10-12 NLT

A testimony is a statement of personal experience. It can’t be refuted, but it is also hard to deny. Testimonies are usually intentional and planned, but casual sharing can be just as effective.

Sharing Your Spirit is a Blessing

Others need your perspective. It can be incredibly encouraging just to hear someone else acknowledge God’s truth as real. God gives us life to share with others. What is more precious than life? Sharing your life is like a supercharged spiritual discipline.

Because we are made in God’s image, we are spirit at our core too. God made us to have some control over what we keep hidden and what we reveal.

For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.

John 4:24 NLT

If God invests in revealing who He is to us, we should also spend time revealing ourselves to each other. By sharing ourselves we are also revealing who God is because God lives within us. This kind of spiritual sharing goes beyond sharing physical resources.

God’s Spirit has shown you everything. His Spirit finds out everything, even what is deep in the mind of God.

1 Corinthians 2:10 CEV

To see and know God is eternal life (John 17:3).

Mutual Sharing is Superior

What is motivating you when you share? Interestingly enough, sharing benefits both the speaker and the listener. In most relationships, balanced sharing is more rewarding. Listening can be work but it can also be an act of receiving a blessing. Speaking can be work, for example when someone is teaching, but it can also be advantageous.

The speaker is blessed by knowing that what is shared makes a difference in someone else’s life. Sharing is also important for another more subtle reason: not sharing is unnatural. An example of this is when someone gives another the silent treatment. People become emotionally sick when they cannot share their lives with others.

Even though sharing is beneficial, this doesn’t mean it is healthy to share indiscriminately. Even God reveals Himself only to specific people.

My Father has entrusted everything to me. No one truly knows the Son except the Father, and no one truly knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.

Luke 10:22 NLT

Some people have no interest or use for God’s words. They do not understand. They do not know eternal life. God says that you don’t have to waste your time with these people. But there are plenty of others who are poor in spirit. They want to hear the words of truth. They are hungry for the life you have flowing within you.

Don’t give to dogs what belongs to God. They will only turn and attack you. Don’t throw pearls down in front of pigs. They will trample all over them.

Matthew 7:6 CEV

Too often people are taught to not be selfish and to listen more than speak. But if everyone followed this advice, no one would be talking! I encourage you to intentionally seek a balance in your relationships. Both speaking and listening are powerful blessings.

When you speak, be deliberate about sharing the best parts of your spiritual life. What has God been doing in your heart? When you are listening to others, realize they are sharing the “pearls of the kingdom” with you. You are treading on holy ground. Be respectful of this blessing.

Speak and listen with all of your heart.

Learn about overcoming shame.
Learn about the limits of self-revelation.
Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash

Filed Under: Self-Care, Boundaries, God's Kingdom, Healing, Identity

Reframe Your Life From Ugly To Beautiful

Reframe Your Life From Ugly To Beautiful

June 21, 2020 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

An ugly frame can detract from an otherwise beautiful picture. If so, it makes sense to reframe the picture.

Why do pictures have frames? A good frame enhances the picture by making sure it’s presented in the best possible way. The best frame will help a viewer see the picture at its fullest potential.

What frames your life? What do you use to make sense of it? An erroneous belief system can cancel out a person’s otherwise healthy life. If you don’t have anything in particular to guide you in life, there’s a better chance than not that drift away from God’s intentions.

Jesus is the master reframer of life.

When to Reframe the Present with the Future

How do Christians benefit from knowing God? Are there benefits in the short-term and long-term, only one, or neither? As Christians, we might know the fact of eternal life (a long-term benefit) but struggle to realize the present-day benefits. Short-term benefits are unpredictable. God acts to accomplish His purposes, which might or might not include what will make your life easier.

Let’s look at the story of Lazarus as an example.

Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. Yet even now I know that God will do anything you ask.” Jesus told her, “Your brother will live again!” Martha answered, “I know that he will be raised to life on the last day, when all the dead are raised.”

Jesus then said, “I am the one who raises the dead to life! Everyone who has faith in me will live, even if they die. And everyone who lives because of faith in me will never really die. Do you believe this?” “Yes, Lord!” she replied. “I believe that you are Christ, the Son of God. You are the one we hoped would come into the world.”

John 11:21-27 CEV

Martha knew enough about Jesus to know He can do great things and God will answer all He asks. But she assumed that Jesus was being positive only about the future, not the present. She understood death to be irreversible. If Jesus had decided to not resurrect Lazarus, the lesson would be that when God does not correct a wrong or a loss, the future hope we have is a beautiful reframe for the present.

When to Reframe the Future with the Present

Jesus could see more than Martha. He used His understanding to gently reframe the situation for Martha. That’s the way it is for all of us. God sees more. He’ll always see more than we do. That’s why it’s good for us to believe Him and trust Him.

When Jesus saw that Mary and the people with her were crying, he was terribly upset and asked, “Where have you put his body?” They replied, “Lord, come and you will see.” Jesus started crying, and the people said, “See how much he loved Lazarus.”

John 11:33-35 CEV

Isn’t it amazing how much Jesus connects with the people in His life? He knows what God wants. He knows He’s going to resurrect Lazarus. And, He’s so fully in tune with how Mary and Martha feel about their brother that He weeps with them. This time God’s will leads to a better present for the friends of Lazarus. God is glorified.

Jesus looked up toward heaven and prayed, “Father, I thank you for answering my prayer. I know that you always answer my prayers. But I said this, so that the people here would believe that you sent me.” When Jesus had finished praying, he shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” The man who had been dead came out.

John 11:41-44 CEV

Jesus chooses to perform a miracle to demonstrate the truth that He transcends death because He is life. When God chooses to intervene in your life it’s also to help you see the truth. It’s okay to receive His encouragement. You can allow a positive experience to increase your faith that God is good and eternal life is real.

What do you have in your life that would benefit from being reframed? Share it with Jesus; tell Him your concerns. Tell Him how much faith you have in Him. Then, look for Jesus to frame your life in a way that goes beyond your expectations.

Give your life situation over to God. Ask Him to reframe you with Him and His truth. Be ready for a positive interpretation that exceeds your best interpretation. God loves you more than you realize.

Learn more about life perspectives.
Image by Dung Tran from Pixabay
Last updated June 11, 2023

Filed Under: Identity, Boundaries, Counseling, Emotional Honesty Tagged With: optimistic, pessimistic

What Is Sin? A Foolish Rebellion Against God

What Is Sin? A Foolish Rebellion Against God

June 4, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

Your understanding of sin can have a profound effect on your life. If your definition is inaccurate, you will be either too judgmental or too lenient with yourself and others. What is sin? What is the best way to understand sin? Is sinning different that sin?

Sin is Rooted in a Sinful Nature

What is a sinful nature? It is the condition of our existence that we are born into. It cannot be escaped by any effort apart from God.

A sinful nature is a core (primary) attitude in the heart: a desire to live your own life, with your own rules, apart from God. Instead of acknowledging and choosing dependence upon God, sin is rebellion against God and what He stands for. Rebellion can be open and demonstrative or silent but seething below the surface.

Those who desire to live apart from God will get what they wish for. Hell is a place absent of God’s goodness, with no hope of escape.

Sin is Different than Sinning

Sin is the disease of the heart. None of us are born ready to choose God wholeheartedly.

We are powerless to separate our sinful nature from our physical bodies. Everyone (except Jesus, Elijah, and Enoch) will die physically because of their sin. Jesus died, but not because of His sin. Elijah and Enoch were sinful like the rest of us, but God took them to heaven before they died. The point is that sin is fatal.

Sin is ongoing but sinning (committing a sin) is a distinct moment in time. Sinning is trivial compared to sin. Sin is more like an incurable disease and sinning is like a natural symptom of the disease. Ceasing sinning does not eliminate sin. But the person who is cured of the disease by faith in Jesus will eventually stop sinning.

We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin.

Romans 6:6-7 NLT

Sinning is an action. Sinning is essentially involuntary for non-believers. Because Christ defeated sin and death, sinning is a choice for believers.

Believers are Saints, Not Sinners

A non-believer is a “sinner.” A believer is a “saint.” A sinner will continue sinning. A saint will sin, but not continue in the same defiant way over time. God gives saints the ability to repent.

John Piper answers the question, What is Sin? on his website. He does an excellent job explaining and supporting the idea that no one is good except God. We all fall short, therefore, none of us are capable of good works (apart from God working in us).

For as good of a job he does providing the needed support to answer the question, I am disappointed with his final, concise definition:

Sinning is any feeling or thought or speech or action that comes from a heart that does not treasure God over all other things.

John Piper

As a counselor, I see this definition as confusing at best or containing errors at worst. The definition is complicated and susceptible to misunderstanding or misinterpretation. Here are some questions it raises for me:

  • What about a heart that does treasure God? A saint will treasure God. But a saint is still capable of sinning.
  • Sinning is different than sin. How does this answer the question, what is sin?
  • Feelings and thoughts, and even speech and actions can be indicators of a sinful heart. They are like the smoke resulting from a raging fire.
  • Feelings and thoughts can be involuntary. They just happen. God judges sin and condemns it. Should a definition of sin focus on condemning feelings? When people burst into tears or express they are afraid, do they need to know first and foremost that they are sinning? Negative feelings can indicate wrong belief about God (needs correction), but they don’t necessarily mean unbelief (sinful).

A better definition will focus on the heart, the core, the root of the problem. I propose a simpler, direct definition: Sin is brokenness producing an attitude of foolish rebellion against God and what He stands for.

The saint practices learning how to stop sinning. The saint values God’s truth. The saint sees dependence upon God as the only way life can possibly work. There can be only one true Kingdom — God’s. Attempting to set up one’s own kingdom apart from God is nothing less than sinful insurrection.

Read more about Elijah and Enoch
Read more about Unbelief
Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay

Filed Under: God's Kingdom, Identity, Spiritual Formation

4 Steps To A Confident Identity

4 Steps To A Confident Identity

April 27, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

Confidence can be elusive but your identity is the key to finding it. Overshoot and you become proud or arrogant. Undershoot and you carry a heavy burden of discouragement. It’s possible to be confident and humble at the same time. It all depends on how you orient your life: where you find your identity.

Becoming confident takes time. You can develop it as you experience life when considering God as your audience of one. You can become your ideal self–the best version of you that you are pleased with.

Your ideal self is precisely who God means for you to be. You can’t know your ideal self instantaneously. Your identity is God’s greatest gift to you only if you open it up and discover who you are.

I love the following quote, which I first discovered through Darlene Harris while planning an article for her site, andherestorethmysoulproject.org.

Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.

St. Catherine of Siena

This means you have a significant destiny to fulfill by being your ideal self. If you knew who God meant for you to be you wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

To become your ideal self you must journey through four developmental stages. Each stage has a primary focus: caregiver, creation, crisis, and finally Christ. Before you can reach your full potential in one stage, you must complete the challenge of the previous stage. You can work on multiple stages at a time, but incomplete work limits your progress.

1. Caregiver-Focused Identity

You start life dependent on your primary caregivers. You don’t have anything to contribute to others. Your only real job is to learn how to receive from others. Can you receive from others without becoming unnecessarily dependent on them? You can receive and grow at the same time. You receive so you can grow.

2. Creation-Focused Identity

You develop competency and skill by interacting with the external world. At first, you learn to crawl, walk, and run. You learn who you are based on who you connect with the world beyond your body. If you do this well, you contribute to others through the work of your hands. If you don’t, you can become dependent on creation, instead of your creator, to sustain a positive outlook on life.

3. Crisis-Focused Identity

At some point in your life, you face a crisis. A crisis tests your internalized growth or identity. It forces you to clarify your worldview and specifically your Godview. Will you choose to:

  1. Avoid God and return to creation to meet your needs?
  2. Attempt to move Against God and redefine creation to meet your needs?
  3. Ally with God and learn how to let God meet your needs?

If you reject God in some way (option 1 or 2), you’ll likely choose some other ally to depend on (creation or caregivers) as if they were God. You’re vulnerable to developing an addiction because you remain crisis focused instead of Christ-focused. You struggle to accept a good God in a world where you’ve experienced evil.

4. Christ-Focused Identity

You can become a Christian at any of the four steps along the way to identity maturity. However, if you’re not a Christian by the time you reach stage three, the process of resolving your crisis by allying with God and becoming a Christian allows you to enter stage four.

In this final state, you’re sold out on becoming exactly who God made you to be. You desire to align yourself with God’s reality, not a reality you make up. You’re determined to remove any false ideas concerning who you are.

Can you feel the burning in your heart to become all that God made you to be? Are you stuck at any stage in particular? God has all His resources ready to help you become who He made you to be. Then you can set the world on fire. The material in this post comes from my book To Identity and Beyond.

Read more about identity.
Image by Piyapong Saydaung from Pixabay

Filed Under: Identity, Boundaries

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