Insights

Make A Commitment To Complete Your Training

October 9, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reaching your pain threshold is enough to drive you into the recovery process. But you must make a commitment if you expect to be able to endure the pain long enough to heal emotionally. This post describes step 2 of 4 of the transformative journey.

Make A Commitment: Pursue the Help of a Counselor

When your life becomes unmanageable, when you experience a nervous breakdown, you become motivated to try a new approach to solving your problems. You seek out someone more experienced than you and willing to follow them.

In Star Wars, Luke recognizes Obi-Wan as a mentor of the force. Initially, Luke resists joining him, but he decides to take the next step forward after he sees that the empire killed his Aunt and Uncle.

Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.
Proverbs 15:22 ESV

Who in your life has more expertise in the areas in which you are struggling?

Make A Commitment: Discover Your Allies and Your Enemies

Your emotional pain will likely continue to intensify the more you strengthen your resolve to confront the enemy. The enemy’s goal is to escalate self-doubt. While your pain increases and you become more desperate, you will attract the people that will help you achieve your goals, as well as the people who will hinder your progress.

The intensifying pain forces you to make a decision one way or another. Will you commit to seeing your recovery through to its conclusion or will you turn back to your familiar ways of coping?

Luke learns that Obi-Wan, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Princess Leia are his friends. He also experiences confirmation that the empire is his enemy. He could have decided to quit. But with encouragement and support, he commits to finishing what he started.

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. What is the first thing you will do? Won’t you sit down and figure out how much it will cost and if you have enough money to pay for it? Otherwise, you will start building the tower, but not be able to finish. Then everyone who sees what is happening will laugh at you. They will say, “You started building, but could not finish the job.”
Luke 14:28-30 CEV

Are you willing to make a commitment to your recovery no matter what it costs you?

Make A Commitment: Examine the Origin of Your Problems and Distress

Moving forward in life often requires first looking backward to where you have been. This usually stirs up more pain as you look at your defects without any filters or blinders. There is no room for denial if you sincerely desire recovery.

Luke and his friends face overwhelming discouragement when they realize the empire has the power to destroy whole planets. They lose Alderaan, a peaceful planet. When they become trapped at the death star, they realize they can no longer turn back. They must overcome their problems and find a way forward.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:3-5 NIV

Are you willing to acknowledge that you have serious problems to overcome? What self-doubts only seem to complicate your path to recovery? Can you endure whatever pain is necessary in order to realize a victory? Are you willing to look beyond friends and family to God for help?

Step 1 of the Transformative Journey.
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Overcome Resistance To Complete Your Training

October 2, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

In order to complete a transformative journey, you first need to overcome your resistance to asking for help. This post describes step 1 of 4 of the transformative journey.

Often, life must become unmanageable or unbearable in some way before a person will be willing to seek help. There is a saying, “Only when the pain of remaining the same is worse than the pain of changing, will someone make the effort to change.”

You can let your pain build until it reaches such a critical level that you suffer a catastrophic breakdown. If you want to avoid this and move forward in your life, don’t make the following three mistakes.

Mistake #1: Fail to Overcome Resistance by Ignoring Problems

When a person is in denial they will attempt to cope with their problems so they can remain self-sufficient. Coping attempts to minimize the pain instead of eliminate the pain. Most people think of a problem as a negative event, but a lack of a positive event can also be a problem.

In Star Wars, Luke’s problem was more than the fact that he wasn’t happy as a farmer. He also wasn’t happy because he wasn’t able to pursue using his gifts for an even greater good. Helping his aunt and uncle was good, but helping to destroy the death star was far better.

There is a path before each person that seems right,
but it ends in death.
Proverbs 14:12 NLT

Are you on a path that seems good, but it is really leading you nowhere?

Mistake #2: Fail to Overcome Resistance by Clinging to Selfish Goals

When a person believes lies (such as “I’m worthless”), they lack the insight to look beyond their own circumstances. A person who clings to their selfish goals will fail to overcome problems and will experience painful loss.

Luke wants to fight the empire but he can’t see past his obligation to help his uncle. He does what seems right until fate brings serious trouble to his doorstep.

A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions.
The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.
Proverbs 22:3 NLT

Are you pressing ahead just because you want to or because it seems to be the safest route, despite some sense of looming consequences?

Mistake #3: Fail to Overcome Resistance by Refusing Help

The foolish person will refuse help even while they are suffering. Fear can stop many a dream from becoming reality.

Luke knows the rebels need help defeating the empire. Obi-Wan asks Luke to join him and offers to train him. Luke isn’t ready yet to leave home. He uses the excuse that he can’t get involved because he has work to do.

Fools think they know what is best,
but a sensible person listens to advice.
Proverbs 12:15 CEV

But when he finds that the empire is looking for his droids, he realizes that his aunt and uncle are in danger. Only when he is faced with their death does he have nothing left to prevent him from accepting Obi-Wan’s offer.

This logic might look like I’m saying that a young adult should always put their own ambitions ahead of their parent’s counsel. There might be more times that it is prudent to follow your parents. But in this case, the parents are the ones holding their child back from what is better–meaning what is better for God’s kingdom.

If you love your father or mother or even your sons and daughters more than me, you are not fit to be my disciples.
Matthew 10:37 CEV

So then, consider if there is anything you are refusing to do that would benefit God’s kingdom more than what you are already doing. What help do you need to overcome your resistance and make it happen? Who has already been offering their help? Ask God for wisdom and understanding so you can see your best path forward without serious consequences, if possible.

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Complete Your Training To Resist Evil

September 25, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

In Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda challenges Luke Skywalker, “you must complete the training.” Yoda knew that Luke wasn’t ready yet to face his ultimate trial in a fight against Darth Vader.

How are you doing in your battle against the evil spiritual forces (Ephesians 6:12)? To reach a place of confidence in overcoming life problems, you must complete your training.

God’s school for persevering and winning against evil is called “life.” To complete the transformative journey, you must pass through four steps.

Step 1 Training: Overcome Resistance

Luke works for his Aunt and Uncle but isn’t happy as a farmer. He feels duty-bound to help them so he refuses to leave them. His hope to join the academy remains an unfulfilled dream. He is out of place. He isn’t pursuing his calling.

What is blocking you from attaining your dreams? In what ways are you resisting God’s call to adventure in your life? Step one’s purpose is to increase your level of frustration with your current life so much that you are willing to risk making a change. It is characterized by:

Pride that covers the pain of your life.
Believing lies such as “what others want for me is more important than what I want or what God wants for me.”
Resisting God’s call to spiritual growth.
Attempting to cope to remain self-sufficient.

Too much pride will destroy you.
Proverbs 16:18 CEV

By the time you finish step one, you are ready to seek the help of a counselor.

Step 2 Training: Commit To Recovery

Luke meets his mentor, Obi-Wan, and agrees to go with him to Alderaan. He learns he has other allies (Han, Chewbacca, Princess Leia) as well as enemies (Darth Vader and the empire). But he and his friends face a huge setback when Alderaan is destroyed.

What setbacks have brought further discouragement into your life, just when you decided to get help? Instead of turning back to your old ways, commit to your emotional recovery. Step two’s purpose is to solidify your reason why you want to pursue change. It is characterized by:

Being humbled enough to be willing to seek help.
Being willing to consider how the truth applies to your life.
Accepting God as good–that He has a plan worth following.
Acknowledging your problems and dysfunctional behaviors.

Too much pride can put you to shame.
It’s wiser to be humble.
Proverbs 11:2 CEV

By the time you finish step two, you have uncovered so much pain that you have no choice but to rely on God and other allies.

Step 3 Training: Learn To Trust

Luke fights his way out of the death star with Princess Leia but loses Obi-Wan. He struggles for his freedom only to experience greater suffering with the loss of his mentor.

I see Obi-Wan’s sacrifice and pronouncement that he will become even more powerful as similar to Christ being crucified and becoming more powerful as someone who has defeated death.

What painful memories continue to hold you back from pursuing your dreams? Instead of running from challenges, face them and be transformed by them. Find out what is most important to you. Step three’s purpose is to shift your focus onto how powerful God is and how positive your life is. It is characterized by:

Being vulnerable so you can receive the emotional healing you need.
Confronting the lies you believe with the truth so can freely move forward in life.
Accepting suffering as unavoidable at times and even beneficial.
Realizing that God is worthy of your trust.

The Lord’s people may suffer a lot,
but he will always bring them safely through.
Psalm 34:19 CEV

Even David went through years of training while defending his sheep from bears and other beasts (1 Samuel 17:34-37). By the time you finish step three, your training has prepared you to face the Goliath-sized problems.

Step 4 Training: Walk By Faith

Luke joins the rebels, trusts his mentor’s guidance, and destroys the death star. He is no longer self-sufficient. He is trusting in a power greater than himself. He becomes a hero that can inspire others.

What Goliath-sized problem is looming large over your life? How has God proven Himself faithful to you? Look for the opportunities to prove your training has accomplished its purpose. Step four’s purpose is to test your faith as you fulfill your God-planned destiny. It is characterized by:

Confidence in your ability to face problems with God’s help.
Embracing the truth to overcome doubts and other spiritual attacks.
Resisting evil by not giving it any room to thrive.
Faithful dependence on God for strength.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear.
Psalm 46:1-2 NIV

By the time you finish step four, your journey is complete. You are ready to help others if they want help with their struggles. You can also identify new problems and start the journey again for yourself. Or, maybe you are like Luke and didn’t finish your training the first time around. That’s okay. With God, it’s never too late to start on a journey of transformation. Future posts will cover each of the four steps in greater detail.

Sometimes a mentor can be a person like a counselor. But a mentor can also be a process like the ones in any of my books. Try either of those if you feel unhappy with where you are in life and want some help to complete your training so you can overcome the big problem in your life.

Learn more about freedom as you experience positive change.
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Good Enough Is Perfect

September 18, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

When is enough, enough?

A project does not need to be 100% complete or even 90% to earn the title “good enough.” Good enough happens around 80%–the point of diminishing returns where additional effort is usually not worth it.

In a world where you can’t accomplish everything you want to, good enough is perfect.

An Optimal Return Is Good Enough

Imagine your friend asking you to sit and talk and with her. She will probably be pleased even if you do nothing else. But what will happen if you talk, bring her an expensive gift, and neglect to pay your electric bill? At best you have a happy friend and no power at home. If your friend finds out you neglected your responsibilities to give her something she didn’t want or need, your relationship will likely become awkward. A happy, giftless friend is better than having your electricity shut off and your friend no happier.

Maybe though, you will feel happier giving a gift than paying your bill? While that is possible, it doesn’t seem wise. If that sounds appealing, mostly like you are self-deceived. Consider exploring your motivation for the gift. Are you avoiding something negative (feeling guilty or inadequate) or trying to force something positive (make your friend indebted to you)? You might be happy immediately, but you won’t be happy when the food in your refrigerator spoils or you have no hot water.

Two good enough outcomes are better than one great and one poor outcome.

A Fulfilled Priority Is Good Enough

You have four hours to clean your home and visit with your friend. You could tell your friend you are busy and spend all four hours cleaning. You could skip cleaning and spend all your time with your friend. But maybe cleaning for two hours will clean 80% of the mess. Then you have two hours to spend with your friend.

You can accomplish more if you can prioritize and accept good enough.

You Are Good Enough

You are better off with fewer possessions or worldly accomplishments if it means you are placing your trust in God even more. Allow God to motivate you instead of feelings of guilt or inadaquacy. Choose peace over anxiety, enjoyment over striving.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:3-4 NIV

Better Than Good Enough Is Costly

Going beyond good enough is an expression of our longing for perfection. God made us to desire good things. When we experience negatives, we can attempt to reclaim perfection, but it is costly.

Appearing generous to your friends or having a spotless home can feel amazing at the moment. But think about this: what is the opportunity cost? What are you giving up in order to briefly have something exactly the way you want it? Fulfilling this desire for perfection is not necessary to be content.

We have a “profit” that is greater than theirs—our holy awe of God! To have merely our necessities is to have enough. Isn’t it true that our hands were empty when we came into the world, and when we leave this world our hands will be empty again? Because of this, food and clothing is enough to make us content. But those who crave the wealth of this world slip into spiritual snares. They become trapped by the troubles that come through their foolish and harmful desires, driven by greed and drowning in their own sinful pleasures. And they take others down with them into their corruption and eventual destruction.
1 Timothy 6:6–9 TPT

Good enough gets the job done and leaves energy for many other activities that matter to you. Where have you been unnecessarily wasteful in your life? How can you aim for less but end up with more? Look for inefficiencies in your motivations. You don’t need to exhaust yourself chasing after empty promises. What can you accomplish that is important to you and to God if you could only accept good enough in other areas of your life?

More on Priorities.
More on contentment.
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Pursue Intimacy With Reliable Results

September 12, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Intimacy can be quite an enigma. People want, need, and even crave it. But genuine, complete intimacy can trigger feelings of fear and shame. One minute a person can be desperate for it. The next minute a person can be desperate to escape from it. Frequently both happen at the same time.

Every relationship can tolerate a particular level of intimacy, depending upon the emotional and spiritual health of the two individuals. An excellent goal for marriage is to find that optimal balancing point and seek to grow it over time. The optimal point balances the individual and the relationship needs.

Marriage can become a disappointment when people expect too much or expect too little from it. How can you tell if your expectations are harming your relationship?

People Who Under-Pursue Intimacy Expect Too Little

They have many of the following characteristics:

Move away from their partner
Avoid healthy conflict, lack sufficient interest in their partner, and pursue alternative interests
Do not try hard enough to make the relationship work, at least less hard than their partner
Use a passive approach by cultivating indifference
Value their partner less than self or others
Focus on or expecting too much from self and too little from partner or God
Are comfortable with distance: prefer to live like a roommate
Stay in the relationship because of feeling bound by duty and obligation
Have given up or are about to give up
Have betrayed their partner or are about to

They need to find a way to expect more from their partner.

People Who Over-Pursue Intimacy Expect Too Much

They have many of the following characteristics:

Move toward their partner
Pursue conflict even when unhealthy, lack enough personal interests, and avoid healthy separation
Try too hard to make the relationship work, at least harder than their partner
Use an aggressive approach by cultivating entitlement and demanding needs be met
Value their partner more than self or others
Focus on or expect too much from partner and too little from self or God
Are uncomfortable with distance: prefer to spend a lot of time together, at least more than partner
Stay in the relationship because of the expectation of receiving a payback
Feel jealous or insecure

They need to find a way to expect less from their partner.

Can a Person Under-Pursue and Over-Pursue Intimacy?

Yes. In fact, this could be a sign of a healthier relationship. As you learn how to find an optimal balance, you might shift from one side to the other. The goal is to find the optimal amount of pursuing. But the ideal level of intimacy can be a moving target. Many factors make for an ever-changing environment in relationships: aging, life experience, spiritual growth, awareness of needs. That is why it is necessary to evaluate your progress every so often. I recommend at least once a year.

In an unbalanced marriage, husband and wife can both under-pursue, both over-pursue, or they can pursue opposite strategies at the same time. If you can become more aware of your pattern of how you pursue intimacy, you can be intentional about improving it.

I designed a set of 52 questions to help couples work on finding their balancing point. I’m making the questions available as a deck of cards. The deck is currently going through testing. I’m looking for 3 couples who can try the questions and provide feedback. Even if you are single or with someone who won’t answer the questions with you, you can still participate in the test. Contact me if you are interested.

Discover Your True Self-Worth

September 5, 2021 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

You can see your self-worth only when you look into a mirror. To discover your worth, you must look outside of yourself. Your self-image can appear differently depending on where you look. What mirror are you looking into for your worth?

A physical mirror reflects your body. Because a mirror has imperfections, you won’t be able to see a completely accurate image of yourself. If you want to know your worth, you must look into more than just a mirror and with more than just your physical eyes.

Distorted Mirrors Reflect a Distorted Self-Worth

Life provides an uncountable number of distorted mirrors that can produce false reflections. People make up the majority of these mirrors. Chances are you’ve looked to at least one of the following in the last day for a clue into your worth:

Your boss or job
Your spouse
Your parent
Your performance
Your friend
Your self
The devil

Experiences with other people have such a strong influence on our self-esteem. You can’t help it. God designed you to look outside of yourself for your self-worth. When was the last time you turned to anyone on that list and received a clear and complete understanding of who you are? It’s impossible.

Even though many of the people in your life can provide encouragement through glimpses of your true self, you’ll never be able to receive the whole picture from any of them. In fact, until Jesus returns, you must live with imperfect sight.

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT

An incomplete puzzle has pieces missing which makes it impossible to see the full image. To function without the full image requires faith, which is one of the three greatest virtues Paul is talking about in Corinthians 13:13.

Perfect Mirrors Reflect an Accurate Self-Worth

While there are many distorted mirrors, there is only one perfect mirror. Only Jesus can reveal your true self. When you ask Jesus who you are, you will receive a straight, accurate answer. He can look through all distortions to see who God made you to be.

To see yourself as God see you, to discover your true self-worth, you can’t look with physical eyes. Instead, you must look into Jesus’s eyes with your spiritual eyes. When you see His gaze by faith, that is, when you see His face, you can trust your eyes. Even then, however, the picture you receive is going to be missing some pieces. Only God knows you completely. You can’t completely see and understand yourself this side of heaven.

A person’s steps are directed by the Lord.
How then can anyone understand their own way?
Proverbs 20:24 NIV

I’m an introvert. I like to be introspective. But as much as I do, I quickly reach a point where I can see no further. I don’t understand fully how God made me or who I’m supposed to be. Yet with God’s Spirit with me, there is enough understanding to know my self-worth and act by faith.

Take a moment now to look at yourself according to the measure of faith God has given you (Romans 12:3). As you look into Jesus’s face, what love do you see looking back at you? Ask God to strengthen your faith. Then remember what you see. When you are tempted to doubt your worth in a difficult situation, recall how God sees you.

Read my book To Identity and Beyond for a more detailed discussion.
How to keep your self-worth.
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