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Overcomer: Identity War

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If I offered you a new, crisp one-hundred dollar bill, would you accept it? What if I first crumpled it up and submerged it into a concoction of oil, mud, and blood? The bill might be tattered and dirty, but it’s still worth the same amount.

You have an enemy who wants to drag you through the mud. He wants you to forget who you are. Or, better yet, he’d like you to never figure out or accept who you really are.

Living and Breathing Means Encountering Resistance

You have a force working against you as you discover who you are. If you somehow manage to learn who God made you to be, then the evil one will work to make sure you don’t believe or can’t accept who you really are. He’ll try to get you to think you’re worth less (worthless).

Fortunately for you and I, this strategy of the enemy will backfire eventually, like all of his strategies.

How? Because whatever the evil one plans for discomfort and destruction, God can turn it around and use it for good. Note, however, you’ll still experience some darkness, discomfort, and even some deterioration.

Understanding the truth is difficult when life isn’t working out in your favor. In the end, though, the enemy can only redecorate your life. He can’t destroy it.

Joseph is a great example of patience during suffering. His brothers betrayed him and at the end of his life, he still felt compassion for them. He saw his life events, the good and the bad, with a positive view of God.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

-Genesis 50:20

Growing Stronger Requires Befriending Resistance

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

1 Peter 4:12-13

If you want to grow stronger, you must actively face some resistance. All else equal, in light gravity, you lose muscle and bone strength. In heavy gravity, you gain strength.

You can’t live without hope but equally true is: you can’t live without exercising your body and mind.

When who you are is under attack, you must resist the untruths. During the process of refuting what isn’t true, you’ll learn what is true about you.

Therefore, whenever you’re feeling discouraged by life, remind yourself, “I have value no matter what I look like or feel like on the outside. This body I have today is temporary. My spirit is eternal. God’s going to make me a new body in the next life.” And, bonus! God has already started the cleanup process, so you can experience some comfort in this life.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Read through or listen to Mandisa’s songs, Stronger and Overcomer.

Your Perception is Your Reality

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You’re swimming in the ocean. The sky is clear and blue. The sun is warm and bright. You see dozens of people playing in the water and countless more on the beach.

Your friends are near you. You’re talking about where you want to eat tonight. You’re relaxed and peaceful, except for your churning legs keeping you afloat.

The water is up to your neck. As far as you know, all is well. Except you don’t know what is lurking below the surface. Have you ever seen the movie, Jaws?

I chose this scene, not to discourage you from swimming, but to help you see the contrast between your awareness and ignorance at any given moment. Do you know what is lurking beneath the surface of your life?

Are you missing out on sunken treasure or are you about to be blindsided? When you consider only what is above the surface, you have an incomplete picture at best, and a false peace at worst.

God Has More for You

Your perception is your reality but it’s probably not God’s reality. God sees all; you see a little. God has more for you but you won’t be able to receive more than you’re capable of comprehending.

What you’re able to perceive is limited by your internal reality. You’re limited because you can’t yet see or accept the reality beyond your perception. You can’t accept more for one of the following reasons:

  1. You lack awareness or maturity.
  2. You lack faith or belief.
  3. You’re stuck in denial.

To remedy your blindness, something needs to change. You need new experiences, new eyes, or a new embrace.

New Experiences

If you lack awareness or maturity, you need new experiences to help you perceive more of God’s reality. You’ve done nothing wrong; you simply need to expand the number of tools in your toolbox. Seek to learn something every day.

Wisdom is with the aged,
and understanding in length of days.

Job 12:12

New Eyes

If you lack faith, you need to borrow God’s eyes so you can see more of His reality. Perhaps the busyness of life is distracting you from seeing the spiritual reality all around you. Ask God for faith so your eyes will be open.

When the servant of the man of God rose early in the morning and went out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was all around the city. And the servant said, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” He said, “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, please open his eyes that he may see.” So the Lord opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. And when the Syrians came down against him, Elisha prayed to the Lord and said, “Please strike this people with blindness.” So he struck them with blindness in accordance with the prayer of Elisha.

2 Kings 6:15-18

New Embrace

If you’re stuck in denial, you need humility to embrace the reality in front of you. Pride and stubbornness limit your vision. Trust that God is on your side, even amidst the most difficult times.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

In God’s reality, perceptions can be misleading. What you see isn’t what you’ll get. God’s grace is beyond comprehension.

Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Embrace Your Midlife Crisis

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If you haven’t been through a midlife crisis you might be missing out on all life has to offer.

A midlife crisis has its roots in adolescence. Teenagers experience an identity crisis and must attempt to answer the question, “who am I?” Most teenagers are happy with any answer so long as it doesn’t resemble their parents.

Chances are, you’ll need to revisit the “who am I” question somewhere between teenager and oldager. The second time around the pressure can be more intense because you’ve had more time to find an answer.

What Qualifies as a Crisis?

You know you’re experiencing a midlife crisis when you become aware that your life is out of sync with the way you want it. You must also feel a moderate to high level of concern about your progress in life. You might be experiencing a midlife crisis if you’re realizing any of the following:

  • Your life has an ending point and it’s coming up faster than you want it to.
  • Your life lacks meaning and purpose; you have no clue why you exist.
  • You aren’t having fun anymore (or you never were).
  • Your life isn’t turning out like you hoped it would.

A midlife crisis is an indication that something needs to change. If nothing changes, the intensity of the crisis will become almost unbearable.

What are the Typical Responses to a Crisis?

You can view a crisis optimistically and embrace the needed changes, or pessimistically and resist the needed changes. An optimist will interpret the crisis as an opportunity and become more determined. A pessimist will interpret the crisis as a dead-end and become more discouraged.

You can also make superficial changes such as the stereotypical sports car purchase which is, perhaps, an attempt to return to the teen years. Throwing money at a crisis in order to return to the good old days might boost your mood temporarily, but you can’t buy long-lasting life satisfaction.

What are the Steps to Resolving a Crisis?

To make it through the crisis, you must enter into a time of transformation. Your crisis is over when you emerge with a new understanding and direction for your life.

A caterpillar must go through a midlife crisis before it can become a butterfly. A caterpillar without the awareness of its destiny to become a butterfly will easily become lost and discouraged. To find your inner butterfly (resolve the crisis), reflect on your past, present, and future.

Consider Your Past

Your past is done and over but it contains clues to help you move forward. By reviewing the past you might be able to remember an important activity or uncover an insightful pattern.

What has your life been like so far? What has worked? What hasn’t?

If your life was a book, how would you title it?

What has been the highest point in your life so far? What has been the lowest point?

What were your top interests in each decade of your life?

What has provided some life satisfaction?

Consider Your Present

Has any recent life event pushed you from being unaware of your crisis to being hyper-aware of your crisis? If you know what significant change brought on your dissatisfaction, you have a clue where to start making some adjustments.

Consider Your Future

As you review your past and consider your present, do you have any regrets? Is there any reason you can’t bypass your regret by pursuing your dream now? Who says you can’t? Don’t become stuck in the “I’m too _____” trap. You know: I’m too old. I’m too weak. I’m too late. These are superficial excuses that will keep you stuck in crisis mode.

A midlife crisis is an opportunity to re-invent yourself. George Eliot said, “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

To gain some momentum so you can emerge from your cocoon as a butterfly with a new possibility for life, plan your future by answering three questions:

  1. What is one thing you want to stop doing?
  2. What is one thing you want to continue doing?
  3. What is one thing you want to start doing?

 

Why Rejection Means You Belong

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If you’re excluded from one group, you automatically belong to another.

If someone hates you, then someone else loves you.

If you’re forgotten by one person, you’re remembered by another.

If someone goes out of their way to reject you, that means you’re significant.

How can these statements be true?

Belonging is conserved. You can’t unbelong yourself from everyone else that exists or has ever existed.

You have a built-in community. You have an identity made in God’s image which means you’re somebody even when you feel like a nobody.

Recognize When Rejection is Good

When you reject yourself, you deceive yourself. This is temporary rejection (God accepts you, man rejects you, and you reject you).

If you reject God and God rejects you, you’ve lost everything. This is bad rejection (God rejects you, man might reject you, and you reject you).

If you’re rejected by the people that reject God, then you belong with God. When you’re enemy rejects you, you only gain. This is good rejection (God accepts you, man rejects you, but you accept you).

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me?

The Lord is on my side as my helper;
I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.

The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.

-Psalm 118:6-8, 22

Jesus, the cornerstone, had a lot to say about belonging and rejection.

The one who hears you hears me, and the one who rejects you rejects me, and the one who rejects me rejects him who sent me.

-Luke 10:16

Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.

-Luke 11:23

For the one who is not against us is for us.
-Mark 9:40

Turn Your Rejection Into Belonging

The less you know yourself, the more rejection stings because you need others to help you learn how to accept yourself.

Think about the worst rejection you’ve ever had to face. Perhaps you craved the attention of so-and-so, but they poured contempt on you. Or you trusted so-and-so and they betrayed you. That’s the worst feeling ever.

What happens when you’re rejected? You just figured out where you don’t belong, which means you also found where you do belong.

Review times of rejection and allow these experiences to strengthen the sense of who you are. For example, so-and-so tells you they no longer want to date you because you’re too quiet. You belong with the people that appreciate you being softspoken.

 

What You Do Does Not Define Who You Are

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Tenth Avenue North has an awesome song, You Are More. You are more than what you do.

What you do doesn’t define who you are.

Struggling with Who You Are is a Battle with Shame

When you believe doing defines who you are, you’ll suffer from shame.

I started my book, Confident Identity, with the following description of shame:

Shame is the deep-down sense that who you are is defective and worthless and therefore, you aren’t needed or wanted by anyone. Shame is a problem of epidemic proportions. All who struggle with it become isolated from the cause and the cure: relationship. Relationships have the potential to affirm or to reject who you are.

Shame can come to life when someone has done something wrong to you or you’ve done something wrong. Shame lingers when you haven’t received forgiveness and acceptance. Abuse, getting what you don’t need, and neglect, not getting what you do need, aggravate your need for acceptance.

Accepting Who You Are Cultivates a Confident Identity

God accepted Mary and He accepts you no less. He accepts you because of Christ’s sacrifice, no doubt. But He also accepts you because of who you are – who He made you to be – not what you’ve done.

And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God.

Luke 1:30

Emotional health requires the ability to separate out the results of wrongdoing (guilt and shame) from the benefits of unconditional love (peace and confidence).

For all Christians, guilt and shame should be temporary and acceptance should be eternal. God allows you to reconsider what you’ve done and start with a clean slate. This means hope.

Shame thrives without the hope of forgiveness and a new start. Shame is only possible when you feel trapped in a prison cell with no hope of ever getting out.

Make a list right now of what is keeping you in prison. For every hopeless situation, God has a way out.

Nothing is impossible with God. Elizabeth, Mary’s relative, conceived in her old age.

And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.” And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Luke 1:36-38

Tell God you’re ready to start over with a clean slate. Ask Him to show you the way out. Then tell Him to, “let it be to me.”

Why A Cult Becomes Attractive

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Allison Mack, a former Smallville actress, has been in the news recently for her alleged participation in a sex cult. She led other women to participate in physical mutilation, starvation, and sex acts.

How could someone end up convinced this is okay?

What is a Cult?

A cult is different from a religious movement such as a Christian church in one very important way. A cult has an underlying, intentional mission to exploit its membership for its own selfish gain. The leadership might be the only ones who benefit and the only ones aware of the full extent of the cult’s destructive agenda.

A healthy church, while never perfect, has an explicit mission to help, nurture, and strengthen its membership. God wants us to be committed to Him and His church but He never coerces us against our will.

A cult usually has three defining characteristics:

  • Members are required to maintain an unquestioning commitment to the cult and its leadership.
  • Members tolerate exploitative manipulation (whether they see it as such or not).
  • Members harm other members and anyone outside the cult they can influence.

See International Cultic Studies Association or More About Cults for more details.

What Kind of Person is Attracted to a Cult?

To be attracted to a cult, a person must have a deep unmet need. Since this describes most if not all people, the person must also lack an absolute worldview and suffer from low self-worth. By absolute worldview, I mean a solid understanding of what life is all about, based on fact, not fiction.

Other factors leading to vulnerability to joining a cult include:

  • Having a strong need to belong
  • A desire for meaning and to make a difference
  • Lacking boundaries – an inability to define oneself
  • Lacking confidence – an inability to discern and confront questionable behavior
  • Lacking independence – an inability to think for oneself and make one’s own decisions
  • Acting with blind trust – a willingness to give up one’s identity and follow another’s
  • Dissatisfaction with how life is going

Notice that many of the factors are good and normal. An empty person looking for an answer will be drawn to a cult because a cult has answers. A naive, desperate, and/or gullible person will not catch that the answers are evil; instead, they will see only superficial good intentions. Having an answer to the meaning of life is a core need. Without meaning, you’re extremely vulnerable to signing up for the first movement that comes your way.

The Perfect Protection Against a Cult

If you won’t stand for something good, you might end up following something evil. Invest your best effort to develop a confident identity which includes an absolute worldview. Knowing your worldview and identity keeps you safe. A worldview can’t be what you hope is true; it must contain some elements of what is actually true.

Life is demanding. To meet the demand, you must come to a greater knowledge of who you are. In particular, you must understand who God made you to be.

Don’t fall into the same trap as Allison Mack. Popularity and fame are poor substitutes for meaning and identity. You can’t have meaning without knowing your identity. Learn how to develop a Confident Identity.