Insights

Knowing The Truth Will Set You Free

April 4, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Knowing Jesus is different that knowledge about Jesus. If you want to know the truth, you first must ensure your source is reliable. The Bible is the truth, but only the Holy Spirit can correctly interpret it for you. Any other source has the possibility of being tainted.

If you want to know the truth intimately, you must also go to the Holy Spirit (the Spirit of Christ). He is the only one who can provide an accurate experience of God. You need the Spirit’s power to know God.

All knowledge comes from an experience of something. In Ephesians, Paul makes a distinction between knowing Christ’s love (primary knowing) and knowing facts about His love (secondary knowing). The primary is far superior to the secondary.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Ephesian 3:14-19 ESV

Primary Knowing is Relational

To really know someone you need a direct and intimate experience of them. This is also called heart knowledge. Strong’s concordance defines the word know (#1097 ginóskó) as to come to know, recognize, perceive especially through personal experience (first-hand acquaintance). Because it’s focused on personal experience, it can mean knowing someone intimately, even sexually.

Secondary Knowing is Factual

To know about someone you only need someone to pass along their knowledge to you. This is also called head knowledge. Strong’s concordance defines the word knowledge (#1108 gnósis) as a functional (“working”) knowledge gleaned from first-hand (personal) experience. It’s a derivative knowledge–being only as accurate (reliable) as the relationship it derives from. Therefore, you can think you know the truth about something, but what you know can be incorrect if the person (or experience) is unreliable.

You can also know a fact but not have an experiential belief that it is true. This is how the devil can know that Jesus is God, but not have a saving faith (James 2:19).

Secondary Lies Are Factual

All lies are wrong, but some lies are worse than others. Some people lie to protect themselves. They use words that hide the truth. They hide facts about who they are or what they’ve done. While this blocks intimacy and erodes the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily harm you.

Primary Lies Are Relational

When someone lies to you, about you, and you believe them, you are deceived in the worst way possible. You end up believing something false about yourself. So, as you can imagine, this significantly damages your self-image and self-worth. It also hurts your relationship with God because you trust another’s opinion of you more than God’s opinion (I write more about this in my book To Identity and Beyond).

Can you see how easily any of us can become confused? Much of our lives are based on misleading experiences. We believe the experiences which propagate lies because we generally trust the people in our lives.

To be healthy emotionally, you need to identify the lies you believe and work to correct them. As a Christian counselor, this is my main objective. I want my clients to have life-transforming experiences.

To completely eradicate a lie, you need to know the truth at all levels. Factual truth is important. It allows you to speak, teach, and testify about the truth. But your communications will be mostly hollow until you gain the intimate, experiential truth. The truth must come to you direct from the source. Jesus is the truth (John 14:6). When you know the truth this way, you will be truly free (John 8:32).

Learn more about how to eradicate lies with life-transforming experiences.
Image by John Hain from Pixabay

Labels Like Gaslighting Harm More Than Help

March 28, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Labels can promote better communication. But, they can also sow seeds of dissension. How and when should you use the power of labels?

How Labels Help

Labels are shortcuts. I could ask you for a dark red fruit that grows on trees. Because there is more than one type, I’d need to be more specific. I’d like the kind that is more tart than sweet. Instead of having to describe all the details, I could have simply said I would like some cherries.

Without labels, communication would be cumbersome at best. But, labels only help when we can agree on what the label is referring to. Maybe there are several varieties of cherries. But a cherry is a cherry, not an apple.

Shortcuts are most effective when all involved parties have a shared experience. What if we drove to a cherry farm and picked and ate cherries from the same tree? We’d probably have the same idea in mind when we use the word cherries.

What happens if there is no shared experience or the experience is so complicated that it frequently generates a unique experience? If, at the fruit farm, we ate two different species of cherries, one of which ripens faster than the other, we’d probably be thinking different things when we use the word cherries.

How Labels Harm

Labels such as gaslighting or narcissism have become quite popular recently. They definitely describe a complicated experience that can be easily misunderstood. In this case, I suggest you avoid the words and stick to the descriptions.

Gaslighting is a form of verbal abuse. Here is a definition from wikipedia:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. It may evoke changes in them such as cognitive dissonance or low self-esteem, rendering the victim additionally dependent on the gaslighter for emotional support and validation. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction and disinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Not only does gaslighting sound complicated, it also sounds evil–like a tactic the devil uses to cause believers to doubt their faith in Jesus Christ. When used intentionally as a weapon, it is abusive. Note also the phrase “covertly sows.” This means the gaslighter tries to be sneaky. They don’t want the other person to catch on to what they are doing. It’s premeditated.

My problem with using terms like gaslighting is that they are sometimes thrown around too casually by people engaging in black-and-white thinking. Some things are all-or-nothing and some have gradations. A woman is either pregnant or she’s not. However, a communication technique might only look like gaslighting and not qualify as abuse.

The so-called gasligher might have no intentions to manipulate or abuse. What if they are only attempting to describe their own perspective? During communication both people have a need to be heard. The person who labels others (as a gaslighter, narcissist, or other popular terms) might be the one participating in verbal abuse. It can become a way to avoid responsibility. It can be easy to label someone, thereby casting blame on them and correspondingly away from self.

Instead of using these labels which can be judgmental (calling someone guilty when you are not an unbiased judge), I suggest returning to the basics of communication. Instead of saying “you are gaslighting me,” focus on revealing your experience with something like, “I feel discouraged when you talk to me that way. I believe I am correct but I’m open to being convinced otherwise.” Leave some room that everyone involved can contribute to the problem.

I am not trying to explain away real abuse. One-sided communication does happen. What I’ve been suggesting only works when both people approach conflict resolution in good faith. The challenge is discerning between a plain-old-ignorant person (someone having a bad day or someone who lacks understanding) and an evil person (someone who is being intentionally destructive).

The good news is a little bit of discernment goes a long way if you have good boundaries. Being confident and knowing who God made you to be will protect you from both the naive person and the evil fool. Keep in mind though that sometimes these two qualities, along with some of the best qualities, can all show up in the same person.

You cannot fool God, so don’t make a fool of yourself! You will harvest what you plant. If you follow your selfish desires, you will harvest destruction, but if you follow the Spirit, you will harvest eternal life.
Galatians 6:7-8 CEV

Repair Trust With 3 Fruitful Actions

March 21, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Trust is fragile because people can be fragile. Each of us is only as whole as the effort we’ve spent to heal from our emotional wounds.

When you act unreliably toward someone, you might be weakening an already wounded part of them. This makes repairing the relationship complicated. The process can be relatively easy if you already have goodwill built up in the relationship. If not, then the rebuilding can feel impossible. And sometimes, it might be.

Forgiveness can be easier than trust because forgiveness requires nothing further from the offender. You can forgive and move on without necessarily continuing the relationship. Trust, on the other hand, requires that both people coordinate a complex repair process.

Even so, since you can’t control how much effort the other person puts into the relationship, you are limited to what you can do. Here are 3 essential steps you can take to repair broken trust.

Repair Trust By Staying

If you are going to repair trust, you first need to decide that you are still committed. Consistency and patience build trust. Frequently changing your mind (being wishy-washy), a pattern of leaving and returning, and imposing time limits all hinder the rebuilding process.

Love always trusts. Love doesn’t give up. Love is patient. Trust comes easier for God because He doesn’t struggle with self-doubt when we betray Him with our sin. He’s with us for the long-haul. He knows how the story ends. However, you and I might struggle with self-doubt when someone betrays us.

When you want to repair trust with someone, adjust your expectations to allow as much time as it will take. Because you care about the other person, it shouldn’t make a difference how long they need before they can regain confidence in you again. Don’t attach strings to the time it takes. You likely don’t have the full picture of what other wounds are involved.

Repair Trust By Sharing

The bond of trust is formed by the glue of vulnerability. Honesty is inseparable from vulnerability. If you’re not being honest, you are keeping your guard up, so you can’t expect trust to stick.

When you are vulnerable, you are allowing yourself to be seen as you really are. No pretense. Vulnerability gives others a real reason to trust.

Before you can share yourself with someone else, you first need to know yourself. You can’t share what you don’t know. Invest time learning about yourself and learning to trust yourself.

What kind of relationship do you have with yourself? Whether you realize it or not, you do have a relationship with yourself. Are you kind and compassionate toward yourself? Are you self-sabotaging and self-condemning?

Are you reliable? Would you, trust you? Do you frequently betray yourself? It’s difficult to have a relationship with others if you hold onto self-doubt. Your lack of integrity won’t just affect others, it will affect you too.

Repair Trust By Serving

Being committed and vulnerable isn’t quite enough. At some point these fruitful actions need to ripen into direct service to the other person.

Jesus is committed to us. Jesus is vulnerable with us. We know this because He entered our world in the same bodily form as us and He came to serve not to be served (Matthew 20:28).

Jesus did not limit Himself to words alone but backed everything He said with actions that cannot be refuted. To regain trust, you must be worthy of trust–you must be trustworthy. This means your actions support your words.

Whether you’ve been betrayed, or you failed to keep your integrity, you now know what three ingredients make up the trust recipe. Are you allowing enough time? Are you using authentic ingredients? Are you willing to go beyond what you think is necessary in order to repair the relationship?

Are you interested in learning how to build trust with God?
Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay

Empathy Energizes Relationships

March 14, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

What is empathy? Empathy can be looked at from several perspectives. Empathy is:

Understanding a person’s mental and emotional state.
Opening yourself to feel compassion that moves you to care enough that you’d give everything you have (including your life) to help another.
A practical fulfillment of love.

Love Makes Empathy Possible

Because God sent His son Jesus Christ to demonstrate real love, we have the power to love, too. Here is a reminder of how God defines love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

Jesus couldn’t have endured the cross so graciously without empathy. God is a natural empathizer because God is love. Jesus modeled empathy while He walked the earth. He encouraged those who needed a boost and He wept with those who grieved.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Romans 12: 15 ESV

Spiritual Reality Makes Empathy Possible

To be able to empathize you must understand two truths:

No other person is your enemy; only the devil is your true enemy (Ephesians 6:12). The devil will never repent and his destiny is already determined (John 16:8-11). But your friend, your spouse, or another person in your life can come to repentance. Someone who at one point acts like your enemy could one day be your friend. God knows what this is like (Romans 5:8-10).
Other people are broken and needy just like you. Anyone who mistreats you is doing the best they can. They don’t yet know how to love any better. Jesus acknowledged this from the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NIV).

Struggle Makes Empathy Possible

Live can be a hard struggle. As we endure difficulty, it builds in us the ability to feel genuine compassion (2 Corinthians 1:4). Real compassion comes from the gut. It’s a longing for another person to receive God’s blessing. If you’ve ever witnessed someone suffering and desired to have the power to end their suffering, you’ve empathized!

Unfortunately, without God, we lack the power to help anyone. We are dependent upon God’s will. To move forward in life we must wait upon God to reveal His will. To see God’s will, we need light to see the truth.

We can be blind to the truth, trying to find our way through the darkness. And, the darkness can be consuming and overwhelming:

“Your eye is like a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is unhealthy, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!
Matthew 6:22-23 NLT

Thank God for His light. But when we’ve become accustomed to the dark, it can take a while to appreciate the light. We can walk in the dark which means we’ll hurt each other sometimes.

One way to combat the darkness is to develop more empathy for those God brings into your life. You can only deeply empathize with another if God’s love is working in you.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
1 John 4:7 NIV

If you’re able to empathize with another, you’re seeing them the way God sees them. It’s not possible to harbor bitterness toward someone and empathize with them at the same time. So if you want to have a better relationship, focus on growing your ability to empathize.

Read about how to have empathy without losing yourself in the process.
Image by Susanne Jutzeler, Schweiz from Pixabay

7 Principles To Grow Your Marriage

March 7, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Marriage is both the most challenging relationship and the most rewarding relationship. While working on your marriage, allow these principles to guide you.

1 – Two Healthy Individuals Make A Healthy Marriage

God says two people will become one flesh—meaning husband and wife function together, inseparably, like one body. You are on the same team which will grow stronger as each individual grows stronger. Your loyalty to each other should be greater than all other relationships. God gives each sex its own role to contribute to the good of the team. Being one flesh doesn’t mean you lose your individuality. The more you become the person God made you to be, the better off your marriage will be.

Read Genesis 2:15-25 and Mark 10:1-9.

2 – Change The Marriage By Changing Yourself

When you focus on yourself, which you can control with God’s help, you help your marriage in the most efficient way. Life is primarily a place for you to explore how you can grow and secondarily a place where you can expect God to address your partner’s flaws. Focus on your own growth twice as much as your partner’s growth. Increase your awareness of what is happening with you. Ask God for what you need rather than demanding your partner be a certain way.

Read Matthew 7:1-12.

3 – Your Partner Does Not Owe You Anything

Each of us is on our own journey to become more loving, which is clearly God’s goal for every believer. Do not judge your partner (do not condemn); instead use discernment to determine your response. You are accountable to God for your behavior regardless of your partner’s behavior. Making requests is legitimate because marriage is a cooperative effort, but coercing your partner into your desired behaviors won’t work in the long run. If you take advantage of your partner, you are also hurting yourself. If you are depleted, first look to God, the source of everything good.

Read Romans 14:12-13 and Galatians 6:1-4.

4 – Your Relationship With God Outlasts Your Marriage

Marriage ends upon death and it doesn’t exist in heaven. A covenant is unconditional. Your vows and commitment to your partner are first made to God—to serve His plans and grow His kingdom.

Read Matthew 22:30.

5 – Boundaries Are Protective Not Harmful

Relationships thrive on freedom and self-control. Decide for yourself but let your partner decide for himself or herself. You can enforce a boundary for yourself (choose how you want to respond) but boundaries are not placed on others (don’t imagine you can control your partner’s behavior).

Read Galatians 5:1, 5:13-25, and 6:5.

6 – Your Partner Can Manipulate You Only If You Allow It

If your partner attempts to persuade you, your response is your responsibility. Speak for yourself only. If you don’t want to go along with your partner’s request (or aggressive demand), speak up to declare your disagreement. A healthy individual maintains their integrity at all times. Don’t compromise who God made you to be. This is not a license for selfishness.

Read Galatians 5:13-25 (again).

7 – Only God Knows Everything

Learn about your partner but don’t presume to know your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or motives. If you believe you are discerning a particular idea, mood, or attitude, ask for clarification tentatively. Instead of stating, “You are…” ask, “Are you…?” or state “I am…” Overcommunicate with each other to reduce the chances of misunderstanding.

Read 1 John 3:20 and Hebrews 4:13.

These 7 principles aren’t the only ones I use in counseling, but they are a good place to start if you are seeking help for your marriage. As you can hopefully see by now they carry the theme that you should focus on what you can control and leave the rest up to God. You can’t ever go wrong by pursuing a better marriage that way.

2 Helpful No-Guilt Negative Emotions

February 28, 2021 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Negative emotions are to be expected in a fallen world. The three most common are some form of anger, depression, and fear. If you suffer a loss would you want to walk around oblivious and happy?

Negative emotions exist as a response to pain. But emotions are not sinful. Only destructive behaviors are sinful. Indulging the flesh leads to destructive behavior. Emotions are neutral. What you do with them matters.

You might be thinking that as a Christian, you are always supposed to be happy. Paul tells us to:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

God’s will is that you rejoice always. How can this be? This is impossible to accomplish. However, we can rejoice in who God is, in His grace and mercy all the time. But while we are doing that, there’s also room to express sadness over present-day tragedies.

Jesus Experienced Negative Emotions

When Lazarus died, Jesus cried. Then a few short moments later, He gave thanks. Jesus experienced a mixture of negative emotions and a positive attitude.

Jesus wept. So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.
John 11:35, 41 NIV

Jesus cried more than a few times. He didn’t only let a few tears run down His face, He sobbed too. So it must be okay if you do too.

During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.
Hebrews 5:7 NIV

Negative Emotions Can Be Healthy

The so-called negative emotions (like sadness) have alternative positive expressions. Grief is healthy but despair is destructive. Can you see the difference? You can feel sad but choose either grief or despair.

Does this also work with anger? Jesus was consumed with zeal for the Father’s house (John 2:13-22). Indignation is healthy but resentment and bitterness are destructive.

How about anxiety? Jesus experience the incredible weight of sin and abandonment just before (Matthew 26:36-39) and during (Matthew 27:46) His crucifixion. Stress and anguish are healthy feelings but fear and worry are destructive.

While Jesus definitely experienced some form of sadness and anger, He never experienced fear. The Bible says to not sin in your anger (Ephesians 4:26) and to mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). But it doesn’t ever say you should fear. In fact, God is frequently reminding us, “do not fear.”

This doesn’t mean we should expect to never fear. But it does mean that worry is a sin. The one who worries is attempting to control something they cannot control. No one can worry and trust God at the same time. Fear and faith cannot co-exist.

There is a healthy expression of negative emotions. Although they are healthy (not sinful) they are only needed when pain is a possibility. In this life, so many things can bring tears. But you can be thankful that in heaven, there won’t be any more pain.

There is a destructive expression of negative emotions. Resentment, bitterness, despair, hopelessness, worry, panic always have disastrous consequences on the body and mind. While it might not seem like it, you always have a choice whether you want to hold onto these emotions. That’s because they are really behaviors. Do everything you can to prevent them.

Worry and despair are choices. Instead, what you really need is some healthy grieving or yearning for justice. Sadness and sorrow are responses.

Although sorrow isn’t a happy emotion, it can motivate a person to pursue a positive direction in life. Sorrow has some hope mixed in. Indignation has some hope mixed in. God will make all things right someday. You can endure stress when you also have hope.

Grieving is the best you can do when life serves a helping of pain on your plate. You can eat with dignity and might even be able to rejoice, pray, and give thanks at the same time.