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How To Desire Without Guilt

How To Desire Without Guilt

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Desires are not a dichotomy of good and evil. All the desires God created are good when they are expressed how God intended them to be.

When we are tempted to fulfill a desire for the wrong reasons, it can be equally tempting to throw out the desire altogether. For example, if people are addicted to food, they might overcompensate and decide to eat too little. However, eating too little is just as unhealthy as eating too much.

God would have us learn how to regulate our desires, that is, to use them in the right way. Not over-indulging and not depriving out of guilt. The goal is self-control, a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

What are Desires and When Can I Fulfill Them?

Desires are human drives, appetites, needs, and wants such as:

  • Food
  • Sexual intimacy
  • Physical touch
  • Compassion
  • Power
  • Control
  • Bravery
  • Love
  • Respect

All of these desires can have positive and negative expressions. It’s a matter of timing, situation, and motive. Some are more obvious than others. There’s a right time to eat and a wrong time to eat. There’s a right and a wrong time for sex. Even physical touch is not always appropriate.

What happens when one of these desires becomes an idol? A person might continue to eat beyond what will be helpful for their body. They might eat for pleasure alone to escape the pain of life. A person might seek sexual intimacy or physical touch, involving others without their permission.

What about power and control? They have a more negative connotation, don’t they? But God couldn’t be God without them. Power and control are more often than not used to gain an advantage over another for one’s own benefit. But they can be equally used to protect the vulnerable and accomplish great works.

There’s a time to act with bravery and a time to be humble or accepting instead. Action is not always the answer.

Love is harder to see how it can become a problem. God is love. Love is a fruit of the Spirit. Godly love has a perfect balance to it, so it’s always appropriate (Galatians 5:22-23). Yet in our human attempts at love, we can actually hurt others. Being only kind to someone when they need truth is not loving. Respect is similar. It would seem that respect is always a good attitude. And it would be, except evil shouldn’t be respected.

None of these virtues is the only solution for all time in all situations. To better understand how any one desire is not enough, imagine a world where only one desire existed (eating for example). God created a world more interesting and dynamic than that. We are not robots. Wisdom calls us to apply the right action at the right time according to the need (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8; Romans 12:15; Galatians 6:1-5).

The How of Desire Trumps The What

I’ve established that is not necessary to fulfill a desire all the time. God takes this idea a step further in Romans 14. He says that there are times when we should abstain from an activity we consider to be good if it would cause a fellow believer spiritual distress (v. 15).

You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right. But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.

Romans 14:22-23 NLT

To fulfill desires without guilt, you must develop, train, and follow your convictions. Your conscience matters in determining what is right or wrong. It’s important to realize that living by faith is the same as living with a clear conscience. If you are in right relationship with God, what you do will be right, too.

If you have an over-active conscience or a seared conscience, ask God to restore you to a healthy conscience so you can live free of guilt and condemnation.

Read more about guilt.
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Blame And Defensiveness Exposed

Blame And Defensiveness Exposed

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Who do you blame for life’s problems? How easy is it to identify the source of a problem? What do you blame? When? Why? How often? You might accuse others or you might condemn yourself of some wrongdoing.

Blaming shifts the focus of responsibility. While this tactic might be used for good purposes, I am writing about blame when it is activated for purely selfish purposes.

Blame is Possible Because of a Standard of Behavior

In order to accuse someone of wrongdoing, there must first be some standard in mind, otherwise, the complaint makes no sense. But a blaming statement is meant to carry the weight of authority behind it.

  1. You cut me off in traffic.
  2. You punched me in the face.
  3. You called me names to denounce my worth.
  4. You took the last cookie.
  5. You went to bed without saying goodnight.
  6. You spend too much time with your friends, your computer, your work, your family.
  7. You don’t want to understand me.

What do all of these have in common? They speak of an expectation for behavior, for someone else’s behavior. They could be statements of fact, but they could also be spoken with an edge of condemnation.

We desire to be treated in a way that meets our emotional needs. We also desire to be capable of treating others well. But others fall short and so do we. How well do you love? How badly do you want to love well? What does it mean to you when others love you well?

Blame can be an attack and so blame-shifting is a natural counter-attack. Consider these responses to the above accusations:

  1. You drive too slowly.
  2. You provoked me by continuing to nag.
  3. You don’t understand what I’ve been through.
  4. You never claimed it for your own.
  5. I was too tired to think.
  6. You’re trying to control me.
  7. You’re impossible to understand.

As you can see, the argument is not over whether a standard even exists. It is over the extenuating circumstances, the technicalities of its fulfillment. No one is eager to admit failing to meet the standard. No one wants to feel inadequate to meet the standard.

Blame is Possible Because We Have a Choice

God has standards or laws for many aspects of His creation. Gravity is a law or standard of expected behavior. When a ball is dropped, it falls to the ground. The ball doesn’t have a choice. Gravity would act upon the ball even if the ball could desire to remain suspended in the air.

What about the standards that God has for us? The Bible speaks of the law.

Why, then, was the law given? It was given alongside the promise to show people their sins.

Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith. And now that the way of faith has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian.

Galatians 3:19a,24,25

We no longer need the law as a guardian because we have God Himself as our example of love and our teacher of love. The standard causes us to depend on God to meet the standard. We have the option to sin. We can act against God’s Spirit. We can deviate from His law of behavior.

Unlike the law of gravity that acts upon us involuntarily, God does not forcefully ensure that we love when we don’t want to, or can’t. The law acts upon us from the outside, but God acts from the inside with our cooperation.

When we are faced with our inadequacy to fulfill the law, the natural, sinful response is to minimize the law. My inability to meet your expectations is not my fault. Your standards are too high. You sabotaged my ability to meet them. It’s your fault. You are to blame. The defensive response can seem involuntary because it can come so quickly.

Because we cannot escape from God’s standard, we have only these options to manage God’s standard:

  1. Ignore it (pretend it doesn’t exist).
  2. Downplay it (it exists, but can’t possibly be taken seriously).
  3. Admit falling short but stubbornly hold to independence, living with condemnation (refusing God’s help through Jesus).
  4. Admit falling short but fully depend on God’s help to meet the standard.

The first three will illicit some form of blaming. But when we depend upon God, we no longer have a need for blaming or defensiveness.

Read more about resolving conflict.
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Your Past Is The Secret To Your Faith

Your Past Is The Secret To Your Faith

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Focusing on your past can help you trust God with your future. Many people discount the past. They say things like:

  • “It’s already done.”
  • “I can’t change the past.”
  • “Dwelling on the past is a waste of time.”

Faith is normally thought of as forward-looking. Faith involves trusting during times of uncertainty. Do you know what is going to happen next in your life? The future might be more uncertain than the past, but the past can also instill doubt. Therefore, the past is as much alive as the future but in its own way.

Faith is Required for The Future

The future is mostly hidden and unknown. Even though the Bible is clear about the ultimate future of all believers (in heaven), no one knows for sure when that will happen. Only God fully knows the past and the future because only He is in complete control.

Remember the things I have done in the past. For I alone am God! I am God, and there is none like me. Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish.

Isaiah 46:9-10 NLT

These verses address the past (remember it), the future (God knows it), and sovereignty (God can do whatever He wants). These two verses, then, are sufficient reasons to trust God, or at least to fear Him. So, we have no choice really. We must trust God with the future. But what about the past?

Faith is Required for the Past

If the past is a done deal, why would trust be necessary at all? Consider this: Which has more influence over your present behavior, the past or the future?

The past provides much stronger clues about your identity, the identity of the world, and even God. The past is alive because you are alive. You can remember experiences, draw from their reality, and make decisions in the present. If you have been through an overwhelmingly (or any) negative (or positive) event, it is still likely influencing your understanding of the world and ultimately your behavior.

One can make an argument that we also need to trust God with the past. Experience can remain as unreconciled mysteries. You can be certain that an event has taken place, but what about the meaning of the event? Can you be certain you understand historical events?

The past is fully visible and fully known to you, but does it make any sense? It certainly raises many challenging questions such as:

  • Why did such and such happen? What is the purpose of it?
  • Why does God allow so many bad things to happen?
  • What can I learn from it? How is it relevant to me?

Your Testimony is Your Past

How has God been working in your life? What is He doing? What has He brought you through? When you can look back and feel confidence rather than doubt, something powerful has happened.

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

1 Peter 1:7 NLT

God wants you to focus on the past, so you can remember who He is. This can fuel your faith in Him, allowing you to make faithful decisions in the present. The future might remain elusive, but based on your experiences you can let God worry about the future.

The longer you have lived, the more past you will have to go on, and the less future to worry about. That’s not to say anyone should wish they were older, but to enjoy the present because we are making memories today that will benefit us later.

More about Faith.
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Find Purpose Focusing On The Kingdom

Find Purpose Focusing On The Kingdom

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Whenever you are lost, look up. Whenever your purpose is elusive, be mindful of God’s kingdom.

Life can be confusing. God might be mysterious, but He’s not confusing. He is perfectly clear about His intentions for His people. He gave us an example of how to live in Jesus. The rest of life is just details. As long as you are seeking to be more like Jesus, you can pursue whatever course in life that God allows. God’s will is not met by choosing one particular vocation, place to live, or church, but it is met by focusing on God’s kingdom.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:33 ESV

God’s kingdom begins with the recognition that Jesus Christ, the human-God who lived among us, has something amazing to offer all of us who believe. Jesus has a past, present, and future message for you that is personal. What Jesus has to say is relevant to the whole of your life.

Purpose Has a Context

It is impossible to understand the meaning of life without the ability to see God’s kingdom. Those who can see Jesus and believe He is God will be able to hear God’s voice and know God’s will in daily living. Purpose, then, comes together in the combination of:

  • What needs to be done to further God’s kingdom.
  • What God the Father wants done at a particular moment in time.
  • What gifts and abilities God bestowed upon you.

The context for these three parts is the work God has prepared for us in advance (Ephesians 2:10). You can’t understand yourself apart from God’s creative purposes.

Purpose Has a Cost

Without the connection-to-Jesus context, any work becomes personal effort for a personal kingdom. This is why Jesus tells us to lose our sense of life in order to find life.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.

Matthew 10:39 ESV, NLT

There is a necessary step in the Christian life to be willing to do anything and everything that Jesus wants for you (Luke 14:26–33). This means giving up immediate satisfaction for what will make an eternal difference if the satisfaction interferes with the building of God’s kingdom. Doing so is difficult because it comes with a cost. It takes genuine faith to pass on the immediate for the eternal.

Purpose Has a Focus

For the person who can give up their life, there is complete freedom. Purpose will no longer be clouded by sin, guilt, or shame because of a focus shift.

Without God’s perspective, you have only yourself to focus on. You will more easily become lost in your inadequacies. You can discount and overlook the wonder of being created in Christ Jesus for good works. But when you look into God’s face, you can receive His approval and diminish your shame (Psalm 34:5).

Purpose is Without Equal

Purpose is an active state of living out the unique aspects of who God created you to be in the midst of work (ministry) that is God’s will. Each person can minister God’s grace in its various forms to fulfill God’s will in unique ways (1 Peter 4:10).

Many things in life can be lost, but in Jesus, many things are found and can never be taken away. By God’s grace, you can enjoy the existence that God has given to you. The way you experience and respond to life is personal between you and God.

Read more about purpose.
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Maturity Requires Radical Breakthrough Change

Maturity Requires Radical Breakthrough Change

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Maturity is that process we all go through but also resist. We want the benefits of maturity but not the required labor. The good news is that the sooner you start the process, the less work you have to do later in life.

Start children off on the way they should go,
    and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6 NIV

This proverb is stated in the positive, but it can be equally true for the negative. Whatever we learn early in life, even if negative, can be extremely difficult to change. That’s because whatever we experience early and regularly becomes normal. In this context, normal is like cement. It’s not indestructible, but it takes a lot of work to remove and replace it.

God places in our hearts a desire for meaning and purpose. We can look at life and draw conclusions and form understandings. Inevitably, we will have the opportunity to realize we have developed a distorted worldview. Then, even if it would result in a better, more true worldview, we’d still rather not go through the disorientation of blowing up our old one. So we can stubbornly resist change which is only good if we got it right the first time.

Maturity Requires Love and Discipline

God creates each person with a unique identity. We start with this potential predetermined. But a person’s environment can confuse or conceal a person’s true identity. You can think you are one way (such as worthless), but in reality, you are not (you are valuable).

Parents have a significant degree of influence over their children. There are many different skills needed to be good at parenting, but we will only look at love and expectations. Love can also be the quality of a relationship. Expectations can also be the degree of discipline.

If love and discipline can take on values of low or high, this simplifies parenting styles into 4 categories:

  1. Low Love and Low Discipline = Neglectful Parenting
  2. High Love and Low Discipline = Indulgent Parenting
  3. Low Love and High Discipline = Performance Parenting
  4. High Love and High Discipline = Optimal Parenting

Each parenting style will tend to create a particular worldview:

  1. Neglectful Parenting -> Lost Child
  2. Indulgent Parenting -> Spoiled Child
  3. Performance Parenting -> Perfectionistic Child
  4. Optimal Parenting -> Mature Child

If you are reading this, chances are you are already an adult. The cement probably dried a long time ago. But it’s never too late to improve upon your worldview. What will it take to see significant improvement?

Maturity for the Lost

Someone who has experienced little love (grace, nurture, encouragement, support) and little discipline (correction, structure, firm boundaries) can feel lost. So much is missing that is essential to understanding the person’s God-given identity.

The message parents send: Figure out life on your own.

These people need more love initially and then need to have discipline gradually introduced.

Maturity for the Spoiled

Someone who has experienced a good amount of nurture, but little discipline can feel entitled. This person’s worldview could be something like: So far, everyone has made life too easy, so why shouldn’t it continue that way?

The message parents send: You don’t have to pull any weight. I’ll do it for you.

These people need to learn that God designed them to carry their own weight and also to help others who genuinely need help.

Maturity for the Perfectionistic

Someone who has experienced a good amount of discipline, but little nurture can come to believe self-worth is based on performance. This person’s worldview could be something like: I am only valuable when I perform exceptionally well on my responsibilities.

The message parents send: Pull your weight and everybody else’s too.

These people need to learn that God never meant for them to over-extend themselves.

Maturity for the Mature

Someone who has experienced a good amount of nurture and discipline is probably relatively mature. This person’s worldview is likely positive and balanced: I can love myself and love others, even if it means some suffering on my part.

The message parents send: Pull the weight you were designed to pull.

Hopefully, you can see that only Jesus is able to fully love Himself, God, and others. No parent is perfect. Jesus didn’t have perfect earthly parents, but He did have a complete connection with God.

You can’t be perfect, but you can mature over time and follow God’s calling to be more like Jesus.

Read more about seeing reality clearly.
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Suffer For The Right Reasons

Suffer For The Right Reasons

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Reading time: 4 minutes

God works out everything for the good of those who love Him. But in the midst of suffering, those words from Romans 8:28 can feel trite. God wants us not to repay evil for evil. The person that can achieve this will demonstrate that God is real (1 Peter 3:15). That’s because the ability to respond to evil with kindness can only come from God.

However, the right response doesn’t always mean continuing to allow someone to take advantage of you. There are times when it makes sense to move out of harm’s way and times when God calls us to suffer for His purposes.

Appropriate Suffering Advances God’s Kingdom

When God expects us to endure suffering, there is always a purpose with eternal consequences. Enduring hardship for the right reasons allows God’s purposes to come to fruition. Because of sin, we live in a world where doing the right thing often results in suffering:

  • we don’t feel better and might even feel worse
  • we don’t get what we want and might even feel miserable
  • our immediate living (on this earth) might seem unproductive (by this world’s definition)

Jesus has an extremely difficult teaching for us. God’s kingdom is more important than any happiness or satisfaction you can derive from this life.

There are many different paths people can walk on in life. But there is only one kind of path that takes you to a desirable destination. It is the path of suffering and growth. This path is undesirable because it is difficult to walk. Choosing this path is counter-intuitive. It’s the right path, but it will feel wrong because it’s impossible to walk it without suffering.

The other paths appear much more desirable and are much easier to walk. In fact, there may even lead to a long period of ease and pleasure. But there is a catch: the journey is easy, but the destination is undesirable. What good is an easy path if it only takes you to an accursed destination?

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Matthew 7:13-14 NIV

Needless Suffering Only Contributes to Evil

Hopefully, I have made the case that suffering is necessary and natural some of the time–when it is directly connected to keeping your faith in Jesus and your witness to Him.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 5:11-12 NIV

But there are probably even more ways we all suffer needlessly. There is no reason to allow suffering to continue in any of the following circumstances.

  • The suffering does not advance God’s purposes
  • The adversity only harms or confuses the person being hurt (such as when a child is abused). The person does not have the capacity to endure the suffering without loss of personal integrity.
  • Pure evil is causing the torment, so there is no way that tolerating it will soften a heart.

In any of these kinds of situations, do all that you can to prevent or stop the suffering. Don’t embrace pain if you don’t have to. God’s will is not to suffer needlessly. But it is God’s will that you walk the path that leads to life, which often involves some heartache to accomplish God’s kingdom work.

For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

1 Peter 3:17 NIV

Finally, remember that even though the right path has many difficulties and obstacles, it is still the only sane path (all other paths lead to destruction), and God guarantees that once you start on the path, you will reach the glorious destination (heaven).

The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;

Psalm 34:19 NIV

Read more about avoiding needless suffering.
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