Christian Concepts

Bringing your Potential to Light

Marriage

Why There Are So Many Perspectives

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Reading time: 1 minutes

If ten people see a car accident, all ten of them will have a different eye-witness report.

If five people interpret a Bible verse, all five of them will have a different opinion of its meaning.

A husband and a wife will have very different ways to recall the same event.

Why are there so many different perspectives?

Most of the time people interpret life based on their investment. By investment, I mean their convictions—their worldview. A person who has been bitten by a dog will make an investment to avoid dogs. Or maybe they will focus on finding a cure for angry dogs. A parent whose child experiences a serious injury because of a malfunctioning car seat will all of a sudden become interested in how car seats need improving. Or perhaps in an extreme case, they will refuse to let their child ride in a car.

One way to find out what someone really believes is to witness them in a heated argument. The more agitated a person becomes, the more likely they will bypass their filter and speak their raw truth. Their words may or may not be accurate, but how the person feels will come across much clearer.

If (or maybe I should say when) you’re struggling to communicate with another person, the first step should be to gain understanding. Why do they not want a dog? Why do they insist on paying extra for premium safety features? When you understand a person’s investment, you’re well on your way to negotiating a solution to your heated argument.

The Reality of Death

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Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
Genesis 3:7-8 ESV

I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.
Genesis 3:16-17 ESV
Ch02_TimelineGod told Adam, “You will die when you eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil” (Genesis 2:17). Then God created Eve. God or Adam must have told Eve because she knew at least a distorted version of God’s command (Genesis 3:3). Adam and Eve lost paradise when they chose to trust in themselves over dependence upon God. When they disobeyed Him, they died spiritually and lost their secure connection with Him. Encountering fear and shame for the first time must have been brutal. Preoccupied with grief, they were unaware of the depth of the problem. Little did they realize they were powerless to undo the mess they had gotten into.

Your Marriage and the Parable of the Sower

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Parable of the Sower

In Matthew 13, Jesus shares the Parable of the Sower. Jesus used the parable to speak about a person’s receptivity to God’s words. Let’s consider how God’s words apply to marriage. The four types of soil in the parable match up with four types of relationships.

On the Path: Conflicted Couple

Jesus makes it clear that the path is literally the hardest place to be. In marriage, when both people’s hearts are hard, look out, because they will either tear each other apart, or be so disengaged that no relationship exists. Either way, the result is a barren (unfruitful) relationship. An infertile, hardened heart will likely result in divorce. In Mark 10:1-12, Jesus explains that divorce is not God’s intention, but was permitted because of hardened hearts.

Jesus says the seed sown along the path is like someone hearing the words, but having no understanding. The ground is so hard – the seed cannot penetrate – so growth cannot begin. There is no life. This couple may be together only by habit and convenience. If this couple has not already given up, they are in danger of separation, divorce, or some type of extra-marital affair.

On the Rocks: Careless Couple

This couple has experienced their relationship as easy so far. This type of relationship usually starts off quickly (received with joy) and may even appear to be thriving (shoots up quickly). This couple acts too quickly without considering if they can finish what they started; they act without really understanding.

This couple is unaware of the complexity of a relationship, which tends to propel the couple to seek the benefits of marriage before building a foundation to sustain the benefits. This impatience may show up, for example, as a financial crisis (debt) or as a pregnancy before marriage. Overall the couple is faced with the serious responsibilities of marrige before they are mature enough to resolve the complications. The complications then become crisises.

Among the Thorns: Choking Couple

This couple has the right idea, but they execute poorly. Intimacy between the couple is blocked or stalled. The couple has a high regard for marriage, but remains disconnected for lack of translating beliefs into action. It is like having a car in good working order, but no fuel. The marriage is also characterized by a lack of emotion and expressiveness.

The couple is distracted by worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth. There is a strangle-hold on the marriage – choking it and making it unfruitful. While the potential is high, this couple has allowed too many weeds to grow in the garden of their marriage. The marital relationship is last on a long list of other things now more interesting.

In Good Soil: Cooperating Couple

This couple is both mature (having a high regard for marriage) and experienced (having acted out their convictions). Marriages are not born this way; they must be created, first through inspiration, then through perspiration.

Connection follows from belief. If the marriage vision is not renewed and revisited regularly, complacency can set in. Every couple is susceptible to the deterioration of their relationship. To prevent this, they must regularly refresh their understanding of why they are doing what they are doing. They must have an answer to: “Why is the struggle worth it?” This couple will not drift as long as they continue to act on their beliefs.

Reflections

Where are You?

As no person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. No matter which soil condition more closely describes your relationship, set your goal to increase your knowledge of marriage God’s way and then increase your practice of marriage. When you do this, you will be well on your way to yielding fruit one-hundred times what was sown.

Resources

Matthew 13:23
But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.

Read the entire passage on Bible Gateway

Objectivity in Dating Part III

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Objectivity in Dating – Part III

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. The following is continued from Part II.

Flaws

Flaws are not bad; no one is perfect. But, some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others. If you marry someone who is farther away, you will need to invest more effort up front to have a working relationship. When someone like Sally is “in love,” he or she will more easily overlook flaws. This can happen because Sally let herself be in such a need to find a car that she is desperate to have the first one that appears to make her feel comfortable. Desperation directly results in a loss of objectivity. The longer she spends with the car, the more attached she becomes to it.

Be Objective, then Subjective

Attachment and passion are subjective. This is good because they can keep a couple together – after they have committed to each other. But before marriage and before going on too many dates, it is important to stay objective and evaluate a potential mate. This requires patience and being tough, some would say. When you are first meeting someone, this is the time you are most objective. The longer you know someone the harder it is to be objective. That is why it is so hard to break up with someone the longer you have spent together – you’ve already formed an attachment. Staying objective early on prevents you from getting into a relationship with a person who is not ready to be in a relationship – due to “maintenance needs”.

Conclusion

The process of selecting a date or a mate is a subjective one. It is supposed to be. But for these very reasons, it can also be a daunting one. Seeing a counselor during this time provides the added objectivity to help you sort through your values and feelings so you can make a wise decision. NRC counselors are available to help you find the right person and be the right person.

Reflections

  1. Be willing to act tough (look objectively) on where you are at in your relationship (it’s maturity), while offering total acceptance of each other.
  2. Consider bringing your relationship in front of a pair of trained eyes, so you can work through any difficulties early in your relationship.

Resources

1 Cor 13:7-8

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Read on Bible Gateway

Ro 12:9-10

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another … in honor giving preference to one another.

Read on Bible Gateway

Objectivity in Dating – Part II

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Objectivity in Dating – Part II

How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, it is skipping over the time in a relationship when objectivity is at its highest. The following is continued from Part I.

Sally

Then it happens. Sally is all set to drive to work one day and the car refuses to start! It’s only been four months since she purchased it. When Sally is the owner, the seller is not responsible for the car – she is. She makes arrangements to take it to a mechanic and finds an alternate way to work. The mechanic calls her later that day with the news, “Your car needs $477 worth of repairs to get it working again. There’s also an oil leak. It will eventually need to be fixed and it will be at least $2000.” “Whoa,” reels Sally, “this car I love is costing me dearly!”

This could happen to anyone. Even if a person is careful to select a mate, there are no guarantees. Our relationships will always require hard work. However, it is possible to do our part to avoid unnecessary heartache. It would be nice to think God would always prevent us from buying a car that needed a lot of work, but He doesn’t. At least He doesn’t all the time. And He is less likely (or we are less able to hear Him) if we are not praying and asking Him to help us make the decision.

A Better Way

Let’s take a closer look at what Sally could have done differently to reduce the likelihood of getting a lemon (but note that once you have a lemon you make lemonade). First, it is positive that she took the car for many test drives. This provides opportunities to experience the car and see how it performs in more than just one drive. However, if Sally has already determined that this car is the one for her, she has already lost most of her objectivity. So while continuing to spend more time with her selection, she is only “falling more in love” which means she is increasingly more likely to overlook any flaws.

To Be Continued

Flaws are not bad; no one is perfect. But, some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others…
Stay tuned next week for Part III.

Reflections

  1. Before you are married, are you both feeling “in love” and maintaining objectivity to choose the right person at the right time?
  2. After you are married, are you acting like an “owner” or are you still thinking like a “renter”?

Resources

Luke 14:28-30

Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’

Read on Bible Gateway