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3 Stages For Improving Marriage Today

3 Stages For Improving Marriage Today

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Forming a healthy, mature marriage relationship is one of the hardest yet most rewarding journeys you can undertake. Many couples struggle, not due to a lack of love, but because lasting unity requires intentional growth. While love creates a foundation, true marital strength comes from continuous development.

To help navigate this journey, marriage growth can be divided into three overlapping stages. Although couples may need help in all three areas throughout life, each stage builds upon the previous one to form a fruitful, enduring connection.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:24-25 ESV

This verse highlights the ultimate goal of marriage—oneness, both spiritually and emotionally. However, this unity does not happen instantly. It is a process requiring growth and refinement, much like a seed planted in fertile soil. Without intentional care, weeds of selfishness, miscommunication, and personal struggles can hinder its flourishing.

Marriage is more than a legal agreement or emotional attachment; it is a covenant designed by God, calling spouses into an intimate, lasting union. Developing that union takes time, effort, and wisdom.

Stage #1: Preparing Individuals for Marriage

The first step toward a strong marriage is developing two emotionally healthy adults who are ready for a lifelong commitment. Before a relationship can thrive, each person must become whole individually—capable of handling conflict, taking responsibility, and pursuing spiritual growth.

Without a strong foundation, relationships crumble under pressure. Many relationships face early struggles when couples rush into marriage, believing love alone will sustain them, only to later realize they did not truly understand their partner. If emotional wounds, unhealthy habits, or unrealistic expectations exist, they will eventually surface, leading to disappointment or conflict.

For those already married, investing in personal growth is crucial. It takes time and effort to heal past wounds, build emotional strength, and become a healthier spouse. Counseling, mentorship, and personal reflection can help strengthen individual emotional health, ensuring both spouses contribute positively to the relationship.

Stage #2: Practicing Teamwork in Marriage

Once individual health is established, the next challenge is learning to function as a team. Many couples enter marriage with strong individual identities but struggle to blend them into a harmonious partnership.

Teamwork requires communication, patience, and compromise—skills that are learned over time. Challenges often arise in areas like decision-making, handling finances, or defining shared goals. Couples who acknowledge and work through these struggles will strengthen their bond.

Marriage is not just two people coexisting but two individuals learning to operate as one. Attempting to work together may uncover hidden wounds or habits from the past, requiring deeper self-reflection and healing. Individual issues may surface such as trust struggles, communication gaps, or fears from past relationships. It is important to recognize these challenges and develop the ability to know how each individual contributes to the marriage issues.

Empathy and negotiation are invaluable during this stage. A healthy couple seeks to understand each other fully, choosing collaboration over competition. Marriage counseling and relationship-building exercises can strengthen teamwork, fostering a healthier dynamic between spouses.

Stage #3: Performing Together in Marriage

In this final stage, the couple moves beyond working on their relationship and begins to use their unified strength for greater purposes. A mature marriage is not just about personal fulfillment, it is about living out a meaningful, shared purpose.

Couples at this stage thrive in parenting together, serving in ministry, or creating a lasting legacy through family, career, or faith. Instead of solely focusing on their relationship, they embrace a mission beyond themselves. They walk confidently in a sense of calling, knowing their marriage is designed for something greater.

At this level, marriage reflects God’s design—a bond producing lasting fruit beyond itself. Couples thriving in this stage often feel deep fulfillment, knowing their unity has a lasting impact on those around them.

For Reflection

Which stage best represents your marriage right now?

If your greatest need is the first stage, consider individual counseling or premarital counseling to establish a solid foundation. If you need help in the second stage, explore marriage counseling or team-building strategies to strengthen communication and conflict resolution. If you are consistently reaching the third stage, consider mentoring other couples and sharing wisdom from your marriage journey.

Marriage is a lifelong process, with each season bringing new challenges and growth opportunities. No matter where you are, embrace the journey, knowing that a healthy marriage is built day by day, through love, grace, and intentional effort.

Learn more about how to develop oneness.
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Last Updated 20250518

9 Experiences That Drain Hope

9 Experiences That Drain Hope

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Are you feeling drained of all hope? Whether it’s a dramatic upheaval or subtle, persistent struggles, the effects can be deeply discouraging. Some traumas are obvious because they are intense–these are called “Big T” traumas. Other traumas are subtle because they are weak but repetitive–these are called “Little T” traumas. Both kinds can produce lasting disabilities, even though they manifest differently.

#1 The Pain of Losing a Parent or Child

Losing a parent or child is one of life’s most challenging moments. When the loss is premature, whether through miscarriage or death of a young child, it can feel particularly tragic. The dreams, hopes, and plans once anchored around loved ones vanish, leaving an indescribable void. Such disorientation can lead to profound questions, like whether life is still worth living. It is heartbreaking to invest so much emotionally in others, only to find them suddenly and completely absent.

#2 The Scars of Betrayal

Betrayal cuts deep across personal and professional realms. Whether it’s a partner who breaks trust, a friend who abandons you, or a coworker who exploits vulnerabilities, the impact lingers. Betrayal creates emotional scars, shaking confidence and leaving individuals hesitant to trust others again. Repeated betrayals magnify trauma and can drain the hope of finding reliable connections.

The worst kind of betrayal results in shock from the sudden exposure of a completely different reality, such as finding out your spouse is cheating on you. However, betrayal can also happen on a micro scale, like when your spouse uses your vulnerabilities against you in an argument. Sometimes, betrayal stems not from active harm but from the absence of good, such as friends abandoning you without any explanation.

#3 Struggles with Financial Hardship

Navigating financial hardship can be exhausting. Searching tirelessly for employment amidst constant rejections or losing a job despite loyalty and hard work can erode self-esteem. Financial insecurity often causes stress and anxiety, affecting relationships and mental health. The seemingly endless cycle of hope and despair can feel suffocating, draining one’s ability to envision a brighter future.

#4 The Impact of Bullying and Isolation

Bullying and isolation leave individuals feeling misunderstood and undervalued. In school, children may face ridicule for their uniqueness–be it external like body image or clothing, or internal, like processing thoughts or emotions differently than others (now popularly referred to as neurodivergence). For example, a child with ADHD may process thoughts differently, which can make them a target for misunderstanding and exclusion.

In toxic workplaces, adults may encounter criticism or be ignored altogether. The persistent feeling of invisibility and lack of appreciation can drain hope, making it hard to believe that a better environment is possible.

#5 Challenges of Abusive or Neglectful Parents

Parents play a pivotal role in shaping a child’s outlook. Abusive or neglectful parents often blur healthy boundaries, leaving children to fend for themselves emotionally or physically. Abuse can involve excess control, while neglect stems from a failure to provide what is needed to thrive. Some parents are preoccupied with other activities or simply incompetent.

Parentification, where children take on parental roles, robs them of innocence and creates enduring struggles with self-worth and relationships. For example, a nine-year-old shouldn’t be cooking dinner for the family every night. Nor should she be responsible for managing her parents’ emotions.

#6 Struggles with Health Issues

Facing chronic illness or surviving near-death experiences can shatter one’s sense of stability and control. Health issues can make daily life feel like a battle, draining energy and hope for recovery. The psychological toll of adjusting to a “new normal” can feel like an uphill climb, with each step weighed down by doubt and exhaustion.

#7 The Pain of Divorce

Divorce signifies the breakdown of a once-promised lifelong bond. Feelings of rejection and failure intensify when the separation is complicated by sabotage or unfair claims. Divorce can leave emotional scars that affect trust, self-worth, and the hope of finding enduring love.

#8 Trauma from Violent Crime

The aftermath of violent crime, such as rape, assault, or vandalism, often includes emotional trauma that is hard to reconcile. Victims may feel a loss of safety and confidence. The violation of one’s dignity and security can lead to despair and fear that recovery is unattainable.

#9 Devastation from Natural Disasters

Natural disasters strike unexpectedly, disrupting homes and lives. Tornados, hurricanes, mold outbreaks, and infestations can leave families struggling to rebuild their sense of safety. The emotional strain of starting over after such devastation can make hope feel distant, especially when faced with recurring challenges.

Experiences that drain hope are often tied to trauma, but recognizing these moments is the first step toward healing. Feeling drained is likely a normal response given the intensity of your experiences. While trauma may cast shadows over joy and stability, understanding its roots allows for growth and recovery. God’s care and encouragement, even amidst life’s trials, can nurture the flame of hope, guiding individuals to reclaim their lives.

If you need help managing these draining experiences, Matt is available to provide support while illuminating the path to recovery. Here is another post about biblical hope.

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Marital Unity Leaves A Rich Legacy

Marital Unity Leaves A Rich Legacy

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What happens when children see unity between husband and wife? A united marriage has a profound influence on children’s development, emotional well-being, and spiritual growth. This post will explore the long-term effects of a strong marital bond on children’s lives. A unified marriage creates a secure environment.

Individual health is required for a healthy marriage. A healthy marriage is required for healthy children. This seems hopelessly circular until we understand that the Godhead is already three perfect beings in perfect relationship. Generational change is possible. It starts with an individual’s decision to mature.

Trinity Unity

God uses His built-in unity to heal individuals and this will improve the associated relationships. One person’s growth will make a difference in a relationship. Husband and wife do not have to grow at the same time or the same rate. Focusing on your growth will always improve your relationships.

God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit perfectly harmonize their distinct roles. They have always existed this way so their cooperation is natural. Their interactions are seamless. There are no awkward misunderstandings. They don’t step on each others’ toes. They are completely confident, satisfied, and fulfilled in their roles.

God has infinite power, wisdom, and understanding that He can inject into any otherwise hopelessly circular system. This is the only hope for generational healing.

Community Unity

As the marriage goes, so goes the family. The relationship between husband and wife sets the tone for the entire family. Children’s development will suffer to the degree the marriage is dysfunctional.

Experiencing two people contributing their gifts to the family teaches children something they cannot learn in any other way. Healthy teamwork provides needed nutrients for children to grow. Teamwork illustrates the essentials of a healthy relationship:

  • Communication: listening, understanding
  • Conflict Resolution: negotiating, problem-solving
  • Love: nurturing, patience, endurance, sacrifice, long-suffering
  • Respect: deferring, honoring, submitting

A role is simply a facet of a person’s identity. With the right attributes, a person can fulfill a specific role. The God-given attributes of a man give him the potential to be a father. The God-given attributes of a woman give her the potential to be a mother. The attributes always precede the role. Not all women are mothers, but all mothers are women.

Male and Female Unity

No one person possesses all of God’s traits. God designed males and females to specialize in differing abilities like provision (typically male) and nurturing (typically female). The joining of a man and a woman in marriage has the potential to mirror the unity of the Godhead.

Before the two sexes can function well together, each person must develop personal unity. A person who is conflicted internally will bring this deficiency into their relationships which will result in interpersonal conflict.

The woman who is confident in her identity will be able to bring the fullness of God’s created design into all of her relationships. Likewise, a confident man will be a blessing to those he relates to. God takes this to a whole new level when He puts the two together as one.

When observed alone, man’s abilities do not seem important. But the value of a man comes alive when observed in a healthy relationship with his wife and children. He can provide what they lack. Likewise, a woman’s special abilities do not seem enough until she relates to her husband and children.

Regardless of their sex, most people can do almost everything adequately. But, a man lacks a woman’s gifting and a woman lacks a man’s gifting. Make every effort to appreciate the unique energy both bring to life. A truly gifted person will function at a much higher level for much longer. Entering this sweet spot will take years of work but that’s what will leave a rich legacy.

Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith.

Galatians 6:8-10 NLT

Learn more about Marital Unity.
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Seek Understanding Before Solution

Seek Understanding Before Solution

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Reading time: 4 minutes

If you understand what is happening, you have found an optimized path to an improved situation. In contrast, a lack of understanding only multiplies uncertainty. When aiming at a target, the greater the error in the sighting, the greater the chance of missing the bullseye.

This applies to almost any task, but it is just as valid to relationships. Communication must be accurate if the goal is increasing closeness. The more you can’t see what is going on in a person, the more hopeless and powerless you can feel. Then, if you cannot trust God, the odds increase that you will respond to your situation with frustration or even folly.

Understanding, wisdom, and insight are essentially the same thing. They all mean seeing reality as it is, without distortions or denial. Insight means “see inside.” When you can see behind the scenes, you will know intimately how the product is produced.

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight.

Proverbs 4:7 ESV

A fool doesn’t want more knowledge, doesn’t care about how life works, and rejects absolute truth, favoring his subjective reality instead. He is filled with denial and wishful thinking. Why would someone do this? Learning the truth requires the humility to accept correction. The humble person can say, “Yes, I got that wrong. I can see more clearly now.”

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Proverbs 18:2 ESV

So, it makes sense that the person who can see the reasons for another’s behavior will generally be more patient with them. A fool doesn’t want understanding, so he is limited to exploding in anger.

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.

Proverbs 14:29 ESV

The person with self-control can hold off on expressing anger. It’s possible because of his insight. He can see that uncontrolled anger is destructive and it does nothing to help another struggling person.

Ignorance Will Lead to Repeated Pain

A lack of discernment can lead a person to make regrettable decisions. Wise people can learn from their mistakes, but foolish people will only dig in deeper. In this sense, regret can be a sign of wisdom.

Like an archer who wounds everyone
    is one who hires a passing fool or drunkard.
Like a dog that returns to his vomit
    is a fool who repeats his folly.

Proverbs 26:10-11 ESV

The archer does not discriminate between friend and foe; he shoots without a clear target. The fool enjoys the chaos he creates; he has no room for remorse.

In relationships, don’t be the person who shoots off his mouth without considering the consequences of his words.

Understanding Provides Clear Options

Understanding maps out how to set boundaries and make decisions. Conflict can be simplified into options. Options can be negotiated to find an optimal solution. No one likes the frustration of feeling stuck; understanding can lead to a way forward.

Two people in conflict can consider which one has a greater need for healing. Consider asking, “What will it mean to you if we do it your way?” This might allow you to move past the ugly presentation of anger to the hurt behind it. You might get an answer like, “I’ve always had hand-me-downs. The last three cars I’ve had were used. They break down all the time. I want to get a new car. I am willing to keep it for over ten years.”

Of course, some people only want their way all the time. Their demands are often unreasonable, unrealistic, or unfair. In this situation, understanding can lead to confidently setting firm boundaries. Consider responding, “I understand you want to buy a new car now, but we don’t have the budget for that. We can save up for one though.”

Buying a new car won’t fix anyone’s brokenness, but it could be meaningful in the right context. Material goods will be used better after people are convinced of their worth in Christ. Conflict resolution will be most fruitful when emotional needs for self-worth are grounded in the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Learn more about healing relationships.
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Only God Is Trustworthy

Only God Is Trustworthy

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Intimacy is not possible without trust. But only God is trustworthy. How then can we build closeness in human relationships?

Sin is what makes us untrustworthy. When we are without sin someday, we will be completely trustworthy like God. Although we will never be nearly as powerful or capable as God, we won’t be capable of harm. But today we must develop resilience against our sin.

To trust in another human before or above trusting in God is idolatry. Idolatry, or any sin really, only weakens us. The person likely to slide into sin can not be of much help to those looking for support or security.

Even if we find a trustworthy person, we must realize that what we can trust is what we see in the character of God. At the end of this time on earth, this truth will become abundantly clear.

Human pride will be humbled,
    and human arrogance will be brought down.
Only the Lord will be exalted
    on that day of judgment.

Idols will completely disappear.

Don’t put your trust in mere humans.
    They are as frail as breath.
    What good are they?

Isaiah 2:17, 18, 22 NLT

For a Healthy Life Trust God First and Foremost

God is supposed to be our foundation. Even if what we “build” in life becomes uncertain, we can know that our foundation is solid. God is our immovable rock.

Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock.”

Matthew 7:24-25 NLT

But what happens when we build on something other than God? Relying on a job, on money, or another person is a recipe for a devasting loss. Don’t build your life on anything other than God, because you might lose it.

But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.

Matthew 7:26-27 NLT

God is our safety line. If all else fails, His grip will not. Yet, if we first grasp other things, we might go through the extra pain of losing them before we sense God’s protection. If God is our foundation, we might still lose other things, but it won’t be nearly as painful as losing everything, including our foundation.

For a Healthy Marriage Trust God First and Foremost

Beyond God, a spouse has the potential to be the second-most important relationship. When we rely on God first, we have more potential for intimacy. We can risk loving our spouse. We can know if our spouse does not return our love or worse, betrays our love, we have no less of God’s love.

We can also set appropriate limits with our partners. While it is good to get along with them and make efforts to please them, we don’t have to please them at all costs. We can tolerate their displeasure, which frees us from giving in to their manipulative behaviors. Some things are more important than keeping our partners happy all the time.

It’s not possible to go through this life without experiencing some loss. But it would be foolish to invest the majority of our effort into something that we can lose when we can build upon the rock, which we can’t lose.

When we trust, we don’t trust our spouse, we trust God. Everything in life is first and foremost related to God. David said his sin was against God alone (See Psalm 51). We can do what is right and yet we might still suffer. We can endure persecution and wrongdoing because God alone is trustworthy; His love is unfailing.

Learn more about trusting God.
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Is Love A Choice

Is Love a Choice?

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God loves you. But what does this mean? God is love (1 John 4:16). So, God has to love. He can’t not love. Does He love out of obligation? Is His love involuntary?

We know God cares enough to die for us (John 3:16). He paid the price to redeem us. He is patient with us. He did what He had to do to keep us alive (spiritually).

To say love is a choice is to say that it is objective. You and I can show love despite how we feel about another person. If we only loved when we felt like it, our actions would only be motivated by how others treat us. But here I am talking about human love which can be fickle.

God’s agape is different. It always does right. It flows out of who God is. In that sense, it could be described as involuntary.

Love makes it impossible to harm another, so love fulfills all that the law requires.

Romans 13:10 TPT

Much of life is starkly unpredictable, so it’s nice that God doesn’t change His mind about loving us.

Is Love More Than a Choice?

When love is a choice, it’s a rational, steady, and dependable love. But there is more to it than that. Love as only a choice is incomplete. Love includes compassion, affection, and favor. Agape is motivated by feeling. But keep in mind that God’s feelings are pure, undefiled by any sin.

The Lord your God is in your midst,
    a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17 ESV

Subjective, irrational love is at the center of agape. God is not cold, loving only out of obligation. He is passionate and unrelenting. God’s favor, from the core of His being, drives Him to save us no matter the cost.

God’s Love is Irrational

God goes “all in” with His love toward us. This makes it an extravagant love. God’s loving favor doesn’t make sense, but that’s what makes it wonderful.

God doesn’t only do the minimum decent thing to do. He doesn’t save us in compassion and then tell us to go on our way. He adopts us into His family (1 John 3:1; Romans 8:14-30).

God’s family is forever. In Isaiah 49, God’s people felt like Yahweh had abandoned them.

Yahweh responds, “But how could a loving mother forget her nursing child and not deeply love the one she bore? Even if a there is a mother who forgets her child, I could never, no never, forget you.

Isaiah 49:15 TPT

God’s affection for you is greater than any imperfect parent.

If you, imperfect as you are, know how to lovingly take care of your children and give them what’s best, how much more ready is your heavenly Father to give wonderful gifts to those who ask him?”

Matthew 7:11 TPT

God has a strong bond of love with you. He withholds nothing good from you. What can you do today to believe, trust, and feel God’s affection for you?

For God has proved his love by giving us his greatest treasure, the gift of his Son. And since God freely offered him up as the sacrifice for us all, he certainly won’t withhold from us anything else he has to give.

Romans 8:32 TPT

So, God loves you. He values you. He saves you. He rejoices because of you. He makes you a co-heir with Christ.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19 NIV

God has many good things in store for you, things too wonderful to fully comprehend today, but things that allow you to experience the fullness of hope as you are filled with God (Ephesians 3:20).

Read more about God’s love.
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Last updated 2023/04/30