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How Two Identities Resolve Conflict

How Two Identities Resolve Conflict

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People can approach conflict in only two ways. Some people prefer to avoid conflict and others pursue it. Often, it seems, that these two kinds of people end up marrying each other. But that’s more of an illusion than reality because approaches to conflict can be quite fluid depending upon what you value most.

For a couple to resolve conflict and become one in a healthy way, they first must know and understand their own values and priorities. You can identify your priorities using this simple exercise. Then you’ll have a foundation for deciding whether you can give in, compromise, or hold your ground.

Resolve Conflict for Minor Issues

For minor issues that are neither right nor wrong, you can be more flexible. Actually, you don’t have to be flexible, but you have the option of being flexible. Here are a couple of examples of this:

  • You agree to paint your house the color your spouse prefers.
  • You agree to a vacation in the mountains when you usually prefer the beach.
  • You agree to visit your in-laws more frequently than you prefer. Optionally, you could decide to stay home and have some alone time.

The key to making a fair decision is to not lose sight of the individual and the marriage. You can’t always insist on doing everything the way you prefer. Neither should you always blindly do everything the way your spouse prefers.

Resolve Conflict for Major Issues

Major issues, such as fundamental beliefs about life and faith, are never meant to be compromised. Here are a couple of examples of this:

  • You believe sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage, so you refuse to progress your intimacy beyond a certain point until after your wedding.
  • Your spouse wants to lie about your finances to save money, but you tell the truth anyway.
  • Your spouse teases you about your faith in Jesus Christ, but you hold fast to your faith.

However, sometimes you can adjust your behaviors without compromising your values. Here are a couple of examples of this:

  • You don’t agree with a particular church’s doctrine, but you attend services there because your spouse wants to. You can still worship God in your heart the way you want to, so your individual integrity isn’t compromised.
  • You don’t drink, but your son will have alcohol at his wedding. You go anyway but refuse to drink.

You make a conscious choice to reprioritize your values. Here are a couple of examples of this:

  • Normally, family is your highest value, but after some personal reflection, you are ready to be more adventurous, so you agree to your spouse accepting a job that requires you to move away from family.
  • Normally, a career is your highest value, but you agree to have a second child.

Resolve Conflict for Difficult Issues

Conflict resolution is easy, right? It is until it isn’t. If you find you can’t come to a resolution in one of the above four ways, you’ll need to go deeper to explore the source of your values. Could you be holding onto a value because of some unmet emotional need? Perhaps something like one of the following is true:

  • You grew up in a home where your parents favored your sibling, so you rarely could choose what you wanted.
  • You were bullied in school, and you never want to feel that way again.
  • Your parents were extremely tight with their money, and you made a vow you’d never be like them.

Emotional scars form the basis for most “unreconcilable differences.” Conflict resolution will be much easier after you pursue emotional healing.

This solution for resolving conflict is the third and final post in a series on two identities developing closeness. You can read the first one: How Two Identities Become One, or the second one, Why Two Identities Struggle to Resolve Conflict, to understand the context.

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Maturity Requires Radical Breakthrough Change

Maturity Requires Radical Breakthrough Change

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Maturity is that process we all go through but also resist. We want the benefits of maturity but not the required labor. The good news is that the sooner you start the process, the less work you have to do later in life.

Start children off on the way they should go,
    and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6 NIV

This proverb is stated in the positive, but it can be equally true for the negative. Whatever we learn early in life, even if negative, can be extremely difficult to change. That’s because whatever we experience early and regularly becomes normal. In this context, normal is like cement. It’s not indestructible, but it takes a lot of work to remove and replace it.

God places in our hearts a desire for meaning and purpose. We can look at life and draw conclusions and form understandings. Inevitably, we will have the opportunity to realize we have developed a distorted worldview. Then, even if it would result in a better, more true worldview, we’d still rather not go through the disorientation of blowing up our old one. So we can stubbornly resist change which is only good if we got it right the first time.

Maturity Requires Love and Discipline

God creates each person with a unique identity. We start with this potential predetermined. But a person’s environment can confuse or conceal a person’s true identity. You can think you are one way (such as worthless), but in reality, you are not (you are valuable).

Parents have a significant degree of influence over their children. There are many different skills needed to be good at parenting, but we will only look at love and expectations. Love can also be the quality of a relationship. Expectations can also be the degree of discipline.

If love and discipline can take on values of low or high, this simplifies parenting styles into 4 categories:

  1. Low Love and Low Discipline = Neglectful Parenting
  2. High Love and Low Discipline = Indulgent Parenting
  3. Low Love and High Discipline = Performance Parenting
  4. High Love and High Discipline = Optimal Parenting

Each parenting style will tend to create a particular worldview:

  1. Neglectful Parenting -> Lost Child
  2. Indulgent Parenting -> Spoiled Child
  3. Performance Parenting -> Perfectionistic Child
  4. Optimal Parenting -> Mature Child

If you are reading this, chances are you are already an adult. The cement probably dried a long time ago. But it’s never too late to improve upon your worldview. What will it take to see significant improvement?

Maturity for the Lost

Someone who has experienced little love (grace, nurture, encouragement, support) and little discipline (correction, structure, firm boundaries) can feel lost. So much is missing that is essential to understanding the person’s God-given identity.

The message parents send: Figure out life on your own.

These people need more love initially and then need to have discipline gradually introduced.

Maturity for the Spoiled

Someone who has experienced a good amount of nurture, but little discipline can feel entitled. This person’s worldview could be something like: So far, everyone has made life too easy, so why shouldn’t it continue that way?

The message parents send: You don’t have to pull any weight. I’ll do it for you.

These people need to learn that God designed them to carry their own weight and also to help others who genuinely need help.

Maturity for the Perfectionistic

Someone who has experienced a good amount of discipline, but little nurture can come to believe self-worth is based on performance. This person’s worldview could be something like: I am only valuable when I perform exceptionally well on my responsibilities.

The message parents send: Pull your weight and everybody else’s too.

These people need to learn that God never meant for them to over-extend themselves.

Maturity for the Mature

Someone who has experienced a good amount of nurture and discipline is probably relatively mature. This person’s worldview is likely positive and balanced: I can love myself and love others, even if it means some suffering on my part.

The message parents send: Pull the weight you were designed to pull.

Hopefully, you can see that only Jesus is able to fully love Himself, God, and others. No parent is perfect. Jesus didn’t have perfect earthly parents, but He did have a complete connection with God.

You can’t be perfect, but you can mature over time and follow God’s calling to be more like Jesus.

Read more about seeing reality clearly.
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How To Grow More Confident

How To Grow More Confident

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Who wants to be confident? Everybody does That’s because possessing confidence means you have resilience, reliability, and strength. We are all familiar with what its opposite involves: self-doubt, insecurity, and discouragement. The cost of a lack of confidence is high.

So, why aren’t more people brimming over with confidence? Because it comes with a price. Are you willing to endure whatever it takes to gain this sense of peace and security?

To become strong, you first need to be more fully in touch with the ways you are weak. How aware are you of how you are doing emotionally? Fortunately, there is a shortcut to finding and building your endurance and confidence.

Listen To Your Body To Grow Confident

When I go running for more than a few minutes, my focus changes. As fatigue sets in, I have to motivate myself to keep going. I become more aware of the finish line. How much farther do I have to go? Will I be able to make it without stopping?

Fatigue can result in discouragement or you can allow it to produce a determination to keep going. When I become fatigued while running, it’s nearly impossible not to notice the strain on my body. But what is more interesting is how my physical health and my emotional health are linked.

God made our brains to store similar experiences together. Running triggers my brain to focus on the theme of whatever is desperately concerning me. When my body protests because of the physical strain, my brain brings my most serious emotional concerns into my awareness. I become flooded with what matters most to me. The thoughts can be obstacles on my path to a life well-lived.

Test Your Limits To Grow Confident

To grow in endurance, you have to test your limits. The testing identifies weak areas that need strengthening. Growth is stressful, usually requiring an upfront investment for a future payoff. Growth costs you your immediate state of relaxation.

When we can trust God with this process, the value of the reward far exceeds the stress.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Romans 5:1-5 NLT

God is saying your problems and trials lead to a satisfying, secure, and confident hope. The development of character is the proof of your salvation–your entrance into heaven and eternal life. Furthermore, a heart full of love has no room for fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18 NIV

The next time you want to feel better, try wearing yourself out exercising (or whatever works for you). Then note what surfaces in your mind. That could be an area of weakness that God is working on so you can feel more confident.

We can see life as a painful struggle, but God sees it as endurance training. And endurance results in many good things such as peace, confidence, and character.

Read more about confidence.
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Last Edited 2023/01/29

Consider This Confident Attitude

Consider This Confident Attitude

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Think about something discouraging that has happened recently. Be confident and say, “I don’t care.” Can you say it like you really mean it?

What does this accomplish? Discouragement doesn’t come from God. You don’t have to make room for it in your life.

Of course, I’m not promoting an irresponsible attitude. There are good and bad ways to care.

Good Care Encourages Confident Living

Good care is focused on what is best for a person, even when that person is you. The care you provide, or the care your receive, is based on a genuine need.

When someone provides their input into your life, do you find it refreshing or oppressive? If you care what God says about you and you interpret it the right way, then you’ll feel encouraged. But, if you care indiscriminately and catch the opinion of someone who distorts the truth, you’ll feel hopeless.

Because God cares, He works to fulfill His desires. When you care like God, you can work to fulfill your desires too.

Bad Care Encourages Fearful Living

You can’t be fearful and confident at the same time. You can’t be loyal to the truth and to what is untrue at the same time. Bad care is focused on others’ opinions of you at the expense of truth. In this case, your motive for your behavior is too tightly bound to what others think you should do.

It’s like tolerating an uncomfortable hug. It’s an invasion of your personal space. You honestly don’t want that kind of hug. But it’s like you are lying when you accept the hug you don’t want. Then you’re left to feel icky about what you did, instead of making others aware of your preferences.

Try The Confident “I Don’t Care”

We are constantly evaluating everything that we experience. If you are used to caring too much about what others think, you might not even realize how you truly feel.

Try this: during the next 2-hours be hyper-aware of every decision you make. Pay attention to what motivates you to reach your conclusion. How much are you choosing because of an outside influence (what they want or tell you is best)? How much are you choosing because of internal prompting (what you want or believe is best)?

It’s okay to consider outside influences if you don’t let them run your life. God made you to be free. He made you unique. If you don’t express who He really made you to be, then the world is missing out on what God deems important.

This attitude might not make you a very popular person. That’s when “I don’t care” becomes such a life-saver. You can only attain true freedom when you live for an audience of one. It’s not that other people don’t matter. However, they must always come in second to God. That’s what makes staying focused on God challenging. It’s an underdeveloped muscle. But it is essential.

Jesus lived only to please God. Despite numerous distractions and painful outcomes, He stayed the course God set before him.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Though he was God,
    he did not think of equality with God
    as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
    he took the humble position of a slave
    and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
     he humbled himself in obedience to God
    and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

Phillipians 2:5-8 NLT

To accomplish this Jesus had to “not care” about the opinions of the Jewish leaders. He had to “not care” about the opinion of Satan. He didn’t consider whether He was going to hurt the feelings of false teachers. Instead, He had to care about what God says. He was humble and confident at the same time.

During that time the devil came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become loaves of bread.” But Jesus told him, “No! The Scriptures say, ‘People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Matthew 4:3-4 NLT

Realize that what might seem like the right answer, might originate from the wrong outside influence (it might only be politically correct, not biblically correct). You must be merciless in your resolve to not care about what is wrong and determined to care about what matters to God. If necessary, hide what others care about so you can see what God cares about.

So then, in every situation, ask yourself, what does God require of me? What will please Him? What did He create me to achieve at this moment? If you can live this way, you might be surprised at how much you enjoy living.

Read more about confident choices.
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3 Ways Two Identities Become One

3 Ways Two Identities Become One

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Reading time: 4 minutes

How can two people become one? The key to understanding God’s design for marriage is understanding the word “one.” One what? God is not expecting two people to become one person. He wants them to learn how to be on one and the same side (on the same team).

Where do you want to go for dinner?

I don’t care. What do you want?

I’m feeling like Mexican.

That’s fine with me.

I could also go for a hamburger.

Either one sounds good.

Where would you like to go?

I could eat a hamburger. Or, Mexican sounds good, too.

Which would you prefer?

I’m okay either way.

Be Defined So You Can Become One

To maximize emotional closeness with someone, you must be able to clearly define who you are.

True intimacy is the meeting of two well-defined people. To the degree that one or both people are not defined, you lose intimacy. How could you be intimate with someone who never has an opinion or preference?

I took some red play-dough and some grey clay and made three different scenarios as you can see in the post’s image.

The left scenario represents two distinct people with some distance between them. They aren’t making contact, so they can’t experience each other.

The two right scenarios represent couples that have made contact. The top scenario has one color and one shape. This couple thinks they have become one when in reality they’ve lost their individual identities. Trying to be what the other person wants without defining who you are is a recipe for deeper confusion and exhaustion.

The bottom couple has one shape but retains two distinct colors. This couple can choose to function as a team while still remaining fully aware of their distinct, God-given identities. They have the benefits of togetherness and individuality.

Remain Two So You Can Become One

God’s design for marriage means that a man and a woman become one. One what? One flesh. Not one spirit. Not one identity. Not one soul.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24

and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. -Mark 10:8

Becoming one flesh means a husband and wife are on the same team. There are two people and one team. What happens to one has a significant impact on the other. Yet, both husband and wife retain their individual distinctions (personality, opinions, etc.).

Resolve Conflict So You Can Become One

When two people define themselves in a close relationship, they’re bound to stir up some conflict. Conflict in this context is good. Conflict sets the stage for intimacy. Conflict helps two people define where the boundary is between them so that neither loses their self in the process of coming together.

To resolve conflict, you must know your boundaries. You must know yourself and what you want. You must also know and accept the other person’s limitations.

Finally, after you both know what you want, you must communicate this to each other to reach an understanding. You enter into negotiations to determine how to maximize the resolution for the greater good of both of you.

The challenge with this is no one knows their self perfectly. Once you move closer to another, all kinds of fears can surface. They all center around acceptance or rejection. There are ways to make intimacy easier or make it impossible.

The more a person depends on their spouse to make life happy, pleasant, or even just bearable, the more conflict resolution will be impossible. When hope is set on anything but God’s saving grace, life will be more challenging.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:13 ESV

If relationships are roads, then the fears of intimacy are the potholes. You can deny that potholes exist (avoid conflict) or accept their existence (embrace conflict). The following post continues this discussion in more detail. For now, what’s for dinner?

Why Two Identities Struggle to Resolve Conflict
Choose Faith When All Seems Pointless

Choose Faith When All Seems Pointless

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What is it like to walk by faith? When I purchased my house, I wondered if I was making the right decision. I said as much to my realtor who was quick to reply, “You won’t really know until you’ve lived there a while.” At the time, I found his comment frustrating and equally irritating. I wanted to know before, not after. He only seemed to be confirming that I was making a mistake.

Now, having lived in this house for a while, I can see how it is both a blessing and a curse (so to speak). I know my house. I know its location, what rooms I like, and what rooms I don’t. This revelation has only come because I’ve lived here.

I’m not sure what would have happened if I hadn’t purchased it. Well, actually, I can say for sure that I’d be living somewhere else. But it was this house I decided to purchase. And it has moved my life forward in some ways did not anticipate.

Do you feel stuck? Do you wonder what you are supposed to do with your life? Do you have a big decision looming but you never seem to know enough to make it? Does making no decision seem the like best decision?

What is Faith Really?

If you are in a boat, but it isn’t moving, you are dead in the water. Taking some kind of action allows you to evaluate your decision and make any course corrections.

Faith is really action taken while being mindful of God. Nobody knows what is going to happen next in life. But life isn’t meant to be lived on the sidelines. It’s not meant to be lived adrift on the ocean without direction.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1 NIV

There isn’t any way to know what will happen until after some steps forward. You can make an educated guess, but the only way to know for sure is to live and then look back and see how you did.

Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.

–Soren Kierkegaard

Faith is not Reckless

Hopefully what I have said so far has freed you up some. You don’t need to feel guilty about the decisions you have made. Life is for living. Living means being active in pursuit of something. Give some aspect of life all that you’ve got.

I am not advocating for reckless actions without consideration of God’s direction and what seems wise and prudent. You won’t get very far without God anyway. A sailboat is powered by the wind. This is similar to the Christian life.

The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.’

John 3:8 NIV

For your boat to move, you must put out your sail. For your life to move you must put out your faith.

God knows that you don’t know exactly what is going to happen next. He prefers that you focus on unfurling your faith while He focuses on fueling your fate.

Life is not pointless, but it can seem futile sometimes. If you become discouraged and feel safe with indecision, remember that one of the devil’s main goals is to encourage ineffective living. Take some time to read the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30). Consider how you can put your God-given abilities to work and hear someday:

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

Matthew 25:21 NIV

More about the Journey of Faith
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