Boundaries

How To Grow More Confident

March 16, 2020 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

Who wants to be confident? Everybody does That’s because possessing confidence means you have resilience, reliability, and strength. We are all familiar with what its opposite involves: self-doubt, insecurity, and discouragement. The cost of a lack of confidence is high.

So, why aren’t more people brimming over with confidence? Because it comes with a price. Are you willing to endure whatever it takes to gain this sense of peace and security?

To become strong, you first need to be more fully in touch with the ways you are weak. How aware are you of how you are doing emotionally? Fortunately, there is a shortcut to finding and building your endurance and confidence.

Listen To Your Body To Grow Confident

When I go running for more than a few minutes, my focus changes. As fatigue sets in, I have to motivate myself to keep going. I become more aware of the finish line. How much farther do I have to go? Will I be able to make it without stopping?

Fatigue can result in discouragement or you can allow it to produce a determination to keep going. When I become fatigued while running, it’s nearly impossible not to notice the strain on my body. But what is more interesting is how my physical health and my emotional health are linked.

God made our brains to store similar experiences together. Running triggers my brain to focus on the theme of whatever is desperately concerning me. When my body protests because of the physical strain, my brain brings my most serious emotional concerns into my awareness. I become flooded with what matters most to me. The thoughts can be obstacles on my path to a life well-lived.

Test Your Limits To Grow Confident

To grow in endurance, you have to test your limits. The testing identifies weak areas that need strengthening. Growth is stressful, usually requiring an upfront investment for a future payoff. Growth costs you your immediate state of relaxation.

When we can trust God with this process, the value of the reward far exceeds the stress.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
Romans 5:1-5 NLT

God is saying your problems and trials lead to a satisfying, secure, and confident hope. The development of character is the proof of your salvation–your entrance into heaven and eternal life. Furthermore, a heart full of love has no room for fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18 NIV

The next time you want to feel better, try wearing yourself out exercising (or whatever works for you). Then note what surfaces in your mind. That could be an area of weakness that God is working on so you can feel more confident.

We can see life as a painful struggle, but God sees it as endurance training. And endurance results in many good things such as peace, confidence, and character.

Read more about confidence.
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Last Edited 2023/01/29

Why Rejection Means You Belong

June 2, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Reading time: 2 minutes

If you’re excluded from one group, you automatically belong to another.

If someone hates you, then someone else loves you.

If you’re forgotten by one person, you’re remembered by another.

If someone goes out of their way to reject you, that means you’re significant.

How can these statements be true?

Belonging is conserved. You can’t unbelong yourself from everyone else that exists or has ever existed.

You have a built-in community. You have an identity made in God’s image which means you’re somebody even when you feel like a nobody.

Recognize When Rejection is Good

When you reject yourself, you deceive yourself. This is temporary rejection (God accepts you, man rejects you, and you reject you).

If you reject God and God rejects you, you’ve lost everything. This is bad rejection (God rejects you, man might reject you, and you reject you).

If you’re rejected by the people that reject God, then you belong with God. When you’re enemy rejects you, you only gain. This is good rejection (God accepts you, man rejects you, but you accept you).

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me?

The Lord is on my side as my helper;
I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.

The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.

-Psalm 118:6-8, 22

Jesus, the cornerstone, had a lot to say about belonging and rejection.

The one who hears you hears me, and the one who rejects you rejects me, and the one who rejects me rejects him who sent me.

-Luke 10:16

Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.

-Luke 11:23

For the one who is not against us is for us.
-Mark 9:40

Turn Your Rejection Into Belonging

The less you know yourself, the more rejection stings because you need others to help you learn how to accept yourself.

Think about the worst rejection you’ve ever had to face. Perhaps you craved the attention of so-and-so, but they poured contempt on you. Or you trusted so-and-so and they betrayed you. That’s the worst feeling ever.

What happens when you’re rejected? You just figured out where you don’t belong, which means you also found where you do belong.

Review times of rejection and allow these experiences to strengthen the sense of who you are. For example, so-and-so tells you they no longer want to date you because you’re too quiet. You belong with the people that appreciate you being soft-spoken.

Your Purpose Is Always Packed With Potential

November 4, 2018 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 4 minutes

You are an individual with your own personality, interests, and abilities. You have an identity. Therefore, you automatically have a built-in purpose.

Your identity is inseparable from your purpose. If God intentionally created you as distinct from others, there must be a reason for your uniqueness. Why would God have made you if He didn’t want someone just like you?

Purpose Implies Many Other Profound Truths

While you can’t expect to discover your purpose overnight, you can be sure you have one at all times. If you always have a purpose, here is what also must be true at all times:

Your life is intentional.

God made you with intention. You are who you are because of His purpose. There are no coincidences. You aren’t like a random fish in a vast ocean that contains an uncountable number of fish. You aren’t an interchangeable part—one of many other identical fish. God knows you by your name.

What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
Matthew 10:29-31 NLT

He knows you so completely that He placed you with your character, skills, and abilities in the time and place for you to live (Act 17:26).

You are a work of art.

You are a planned, deliberate, creative design. You’re not an accident. Your personality isn’t a mistake. You’re not lame or inferior. You’re not a reject. You’re not God’s failed experiment.

While we all need to admit that we have flaws, we have a real need to see ourselves apart from our flaws. One day (in the next life) you will no longer have these flaws. So they can’t be so significant today. The wrong you do today isn’t really a part of who you are.

Flaws can also be misrepresented. What might seem like a weakness–a personal defect–could actually be a misplaced strength. A fish is weak on dry land but strong in the water.

Just existing is meaningful.

What you feel, think, and do is significant. Even when seems like you are accomplishing nothing, you’re doing something. No matter how you feel about your deeds—whether they feel significant or not, in God’s eyes, they are important. To be alive means you are productive. God wired you to thrive by pursuing a relationship with Him.

You have significant work to do.

The more you understand life, the more you will know what to do. Not only can you make an important contribution in this life, but you were intentionally designed to do so.

You have a destiny to fulfill.

You will not only make a contribution, but you will be completing the work God planned for you when He made you.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
Ephesians 2:10 NLT

You are wanted and needed.

All of this means that you, in all of your uniqueness, are needed. Without your participation, the outcome of any given relationship or task will play out in a different way than if you were involved. This doesn’t mean that God’s plans are limited by your refusal to participate. God will fulfill His purposes. Nothing can prevent or delay His will. But He chose you to participate. You are a masterpiece; you are one-of-a-kind.

Purpose Will Be Elusive Until You Know Who You Are

Having and understanding your identity provides numerous benefits. Can you imagine how knowing you have a purpose at all times helps you live each day? Now then, are you able to wake up excited about your day?

What’s your purpose? If knowing your purpose or even believing you have one is still difficult, then you first need to focus on learning who you are.

When you know your identity, you will know your purpose. When you are unsure of your purpose, then it is a signal to grow by digging deeper into understanding your identity. Because of your God-given identity, you have a purpose, and knowing this purpose allows you to claim your destiny.

Read more about purpose.
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Updated on August 22, 2022

The Danger Of Trusting Too Much

April 24, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 6 minutes

Trust is essential for healthy relationships. So much so that you might wonder if trusting too much is even possible. Wouldn’t more be better?

Is trusting too much the same as loving too much or eating too much chocolate? How can you go wrong with something so good that is often in short supply? Anything used beyond its intended capacity or function can become harmful.

Trusting Too Much

Would you walk across a room in broad daylight? Most people wouldn’t have a problem with this. How about walking across the same room at night? While more challenging, most people could handle this. But what would happen if I had thrown out a handful of thumbtacks onto the floor?

Yes, it is possible to trust too much. It’s called blind trust. No one will fault you for it–possibly only yourself, after the fact. That’s because your trust benefits others. It will benefit you too, but only up to a point.

It might be helpful to think of trust not so much as an all-or-nothing blank check, but as something that you grant others in varying degrees. Asking whether you should trust someone oversimplifies the problem. Forcing a “Yes” or “No” leaves too much room for error. And the more error, the more people will be hurt.

To minimize the hurt, a better, more refined question is “How much do I trust this person?”

Trust has a natural limit or capacity much like a cup. If you fill a cup beyond its capacity, you will make a mess and waste your refreshing drink. With this analogy, the cup is the other person’s trustworthiness and the liquid is the length you go to trust them. Before you fill the cup it’s better to estimate how much it can hold. Does it have holes? Try to determine an individual’s character and trustworthiness.

Trust is a commodity that has a limited supply. If you give too much away… if you waste it… you might be unwilling to trust when you really want to.

Trusting too much is like giving away an essential body part and expecting the recipient will be able to keep you alive. It’s depending on someone for something they can’t possibly give you. You were never meant to function that way.

By trusting too much, you open yourself to being taken advantage of. Others might benefit, but only at your expense. When that happens, you are going to get hurt. The more you feel hurt, the more you are likely to decrease your level of trust.

While protecting yourself is wise in some cases, it’s never the best option all the time. Overprotecting yourself to prevent ever being hurt again goes too far. You might trust too little as a general rule you apply to everyone (even the people who are trustworthy). Instead of discerning if people are trustworthy (which requires much more effort), you predetermine to not trust anyone by withholding real consideration.

Trusting Too Little

Some people choose to trust too little. This is called mistrust. What if the person you are in a relationship with is trustworthy but you aren’t capable of trusting? That’s going to slow down your relationship, maybe to the point of breaking it.

Let’s return to the cup analogy. What if you go to fill another’s cup and realize you only have a few drops of trust that you’re willing to spare? If the other person has the capacity for trust, then you can be the limiting factor in the relationship.

How would a teenager feel about a mom who walks him to school and sits with him in class? Assuming the teenager typically makes it to school on his own and participates in class, this extreme hovering would degrade the relationship. The teen would probably either begin to rebel (which would be healthy) or suffer from low confidence (which would be unhealthy).

In an extreme case, trusting too little is called paranoia. A mom might have skipped school when she was a teenager. Perhaps she suffered from low self-esteem because her classmates teased her. She could over-emphasize her past hurts and then project them onto her son. It’s possible she feels too vulnerable even when her surrounding environment is safe.

It’s important to notice in this example that the amount of trust this mom allows isn’t based on her experience and observations of her teenager but based on her experiences and observations of herself.

Trusting Just Right

What is a person to do? If you trust too much, you can be hurt. If you trust too little, you hinder your relationships. The right amount of trust is called perceptive trust. The person engaged in perceptive trust is open to trusting others to the degree that they show themselves trustworthy. That’s exercising discernment.

Trust is evidence of a healthy relationship. But because no one is completely trustworthy except God, the cautions about trusting too much still apply. Even when you rightly determine a high level of integrity in a person, the amount of trust you place in an imperfect human should still be limited. Trusting too much will break your relationships with other humans. Others can’t live up to an exaggerated amount of trust. With too high expectations of a person, the relationship is doomed to fail from the start.

Trusting too much puts people on a pedestal. It can become idolatry.

It is better to trust the Lord for protection than to trust anyone else, including strong leaders.
Psalm 118:8-9 CEV

No matter how trustworthy another person is, there will always be some risk to trusting him. Nobody is perfect. Anyone at any time can let you down. So why should you trust anyone, including God who allows others to hurt you?

You can never trust God too much. He is completely trustworthy. You can’t blame Him for others’ mistakes. The more you trust God, without limit, the better off you will be.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5 NLT

Trusting God with all you’ve got provides you with an insurance policy. If anyone lets you down, God will always be there to take care of you. When you’ve been betrayed, trusting God might not always make sense, but it doesn’t have to. Blind trust in God is always better than no trust in God. Although, even with God, trust based on a positive experience of Him is more robust. Don’t neglect to build up your trust in God.

Read about repairing broken trust.
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Updated and Expanded August 7, 2022

Guard Your Heart Or You Will Become Lost

April 10, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 2 Comments

Reading time: 5 minutes

How are you doing with trust? Do you trust enough, too much, or not enough? Would genuine Christians close their hearts to others? Does God want you to always open your heart to people? The answers to these questions all depend on whether you are among friends or enemies.

But who exactly is your friend? Sometimes a friend can act like an enemy. Sometimes an enemy can act like a friend. An enemy, or a friend acting like an enemy, can harm your heart. So-called friends or “frenemies” can be immature or weak. Jealousy or bitterness can produce passive-aggressive behavior.

People close to you can tear you down for their advantage and steal what is rightfully yours. The wound can take a long time to recover from. Many times, the wound won’t completely heal until the next life begins in heaven.

If you have ever experienced this, you understand that betrayal wounds are costly. So what can you do? Read further to better understand your heart and what healthy steps you can take to protect it.

Why Is Your Heart Important?

Your heart is a biblical term for the core of your identity: who you are, what you value, and what you stand for. Your heart can seem like a mysterious black box. Can you know for sure what is inside?

Perhaps we can know some of what is in our hearts, and understand some about how it got there, but we have no clue how God makes it all work. Only God knows us completely.

We know that Jesus is significantly concerned about our hearts (Matthew 15:18-19; Matthew 23:27-28). What a person says or does has its origins in the core of that person. The condition of a heart is an accurate representation of the whole person (Proverbs 27:19).

Most believers want to know God’s will for their lives. We want to know if our existence is significant. We want to know how to succeed in life. How? Proverbs 4:23 provides the answer.

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Proverbs 4:23 NLT

Your heart will determine how your life turns out. It’s like a compass for your life. It will decide the direction you take. Without a well-functioning center, you will be lost.

Follow Your New Heart But Deny Your Old Heart

All of us could benefit from admitting that both of the following are true:

The heart contains more corrupt motives than any of us realize because we haven’t fully experienced the depths of its sickness (Jeremiah 17:9).
God has designed our hearts to contain amazingly beautiful features that we haven’t been able to appreciate because no one has recognized them yet (Proverbs 20:5).

Recognizing these as both true is crucial to avoiding extreme thinking that leads to unhealthy behaviors. For instance, you could read Jeremiah 17:9 and conclude that you are bad and that nothing you desire can be trusted. This only produces fear, self-doubt, and a passive approach to life.

Fortunately, God didn’t leave us believers helpless. He gives us new hearts that can respond to His correction and love.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 36:26 NIV

The new, living heart replaces the old, dead one. In this context, “flesh” is positive–it means alive. But there is another kind of flesh that Paul mentions (Romans 7:14-24). In this context, “flesh” is the entire physicalness of our being which has been corrupted by a sinful nature. You can read more about flesh here.

Your new heart comes with your newly created spirit. But even with a new core, it’s possible to give in to the desires of the flesh. For the believer, new, worthy, and beautiful desires coexist with harmful motives and desires. It’s possible to do something that appears to be right for the wrong reason. People can donate to the poor to look good to others. Therefore, every desire must be tested.

Guard Your Heart: Discern Your Enemies

Discernment is especially important in a culture that says “follow your heart” to do whatever you want, regardless of how it affects yourself, your future, other people, or your ability to follow God’s commandments.

While you can be courageous because God is with you (Joshua 1:9), God also commands you to protect your most valuable possession, your heart.

The enemy, and sometimes the people influenced by him, can cause you great harm. God expects you to protect yourself from evil people and evil ideas. Sometimes this can be as simple as avoiding evil influences. Other times, it will involve guiding and guarding your heart while you are in the midst of evil. In those situations, consider what would help you, such as what you are thinking about or who you are trusting.

Truth, whether about a situation, about who you are, or about who God is, is the powerful antidote to the poison of evil. Here are two truths to encourage you to protect yourself.

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8 NLT

“Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.”
Matthew 7:6 NLT

At the same time, your heart needs nurturing. To understand who you are, you must share what is inside of you with yourself, God, and others. As you allow God to search you, He will help you identify the sick parts that need healing but also treasures that need to be put on display (Psalm 139:23-24).

The more you trust others, the more you are letting your guard down. You allow yourself to be known. Most of the time this will produce favorable results, but it can also end in rejection.

What level of risk is worth taking, given the possible rewards? As you become better at guarding your heart, your risk goes down. Protect yourself, without ceasing to nurture yourself, so you can thrive. What does your heart tell you today about the course of your life?

Read more about how to keep your heart healthy.
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Updated and expanded July 24, 2022

Recover From Crushing Betrayal

May 1, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

A husband’s betrayal causes his wife significant pain. While both are out driving, he loses lost control of his car and smashes into her car. He had been drinking. How can she recover from this betrayal?

Both are thrown from their cars and somehow land next to each other. The husband touches his head and discovers a sizeable bump. The wife can’t move her leg; it’s broken.

The husband keeps mumbling that he is sorry. But his wife doesn’t believe him.

How could you do this to me? I’ll never be able to forgive you. You could have killed me. You need help. You need to fix this so I’ll be able to walk again.

When the ambulance arrives, the wife can’t stop talking about her husband.

It’s my idiot husband who broke my leg. Make sure he gets help for his alcohol problem.

When the paramedic asks if she wanted treatment for her leg, she declines.

This is my husband’s fault. I don’t need help because I didn’t do anything wrong. He is the one who needs to figure out why this happened and how he can make this right. If I get my leg fixed, then he will think this is no big deal and he’ll never stop drinking.

A Physical Accident Should Not Be Different Than an Emotional Betrayal

A physical accident will probably never play out like that. No one in their right mind would refuse to have their broken leg treated. However, I’ve seen an emotional accident create this kind of response in the person who was betrayed. The logic goes something like this:

Why should I be inconvenienced with counseling when it’s my husband who has the problem? It’s his fault. He’s the one who should face the consequences. I don’t need counseling. He does.

This assumes that receiving medical care for a broken leg is somehow different than receiving emotional care for a broken heart. Medical care seems to be deserved but counseling is a punishment. As someone who works as a counselor, this saddens me.

Why are these two healing procedures treated so differently? I think it is because the medical model requires very little of its patients. The doctor does all the work. The patient is usually given pain killers to numb the pain. It’s obvious that a whole leg is better than a broken one. It’s obvious that the broken leg was the husband’s fault.

A person with a broken heart can nurse bitterness for a long time without feeling obligated to do anything about it. Some people might even encourage unforgiveness as a consequence: Forgiveness is a sign of weakness. It can feel like the only leverage a person has against a repeat offense.

A well-known saying applies here. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison to make the perpetrator suffer. But this doesn’t work emotionally either because the victim ends up giving up too much control over their own life just to make a point. Why would anyone want to suffer more? Maybe they are desperate to know if their suffering matters to the perpetrator.

Others have the power to hurt you but they don’t have the power to make you well.

This is an unfortunate fact of life. This is why forgiveness is necessary. Only Jesus has the power to make you well. We appeal to Him through prayer so that we might be healthy again.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
James 5:16 ESV

We forgive others so that our hearts are open to receiving God’s forgiveness.

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
Mark 11:25 ESV

Forgiveness doesn’t prevent God from working in the perpetrator’s life, but unforgiveness might prevent God from working in yours. Counseling is supposed to be an emotional healing process, not a burden. If you’ve suffered an emotional injury, why not seek all the help you can get?

When you are in a state of unforgiveness, you are spiritually weak. But having forgiven, you are strong. Unforgiveness is about trying to maintain control over something you can’t control. Forgive today so you will be healed.

More about relational health.
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