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Matt Pavlik

Eliminate Shame By Believing God

Eliminate Shame By Believing God

February 13, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 1 Comment

Shame is inevitable, but where does it come from? Why do we experience it? How can we overcome it?

When Adam and Eve first chose to disobey God, they believed the enemy’s words over God’s words. After they doubted God, they gained the “knowledge of good and evil” but felt shame for the first time. They gained knowledge but lost their secure connection with God.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’” “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Genesis 3:1-5 NIV

Knowing evil isn’t an advantage. That’s like knowing darkness. That’s like knowing the pains of torture.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

Genesis 3:6-8 NIV

We Knew Shame on Day One

Shame exists because we are born feeling inadequate. Fortunately, God is at work to bring healing to us.

Every day of life is an opportunity to experience a positive reinforcement of your worth. You need to be validated, accepted, wanted, affirmed, and encouraged. This kind of love must come from a source outside of you. Even when others love you, the origin of that love is God.

Unfortunately, because of sin and the curse on this world, every day of life also holds the possibility of negatively reinforcing the feelings of inadequacy. You can make mistakes and even sin. You can fail to accomplish an important task or desired goal. You must find a way to cope with imperfection, defeat, rejection, and isolation.

In a negative environment, the devil’s lies multiply easily. Without faith, developing self-hatred is inevitable.

Shame Drives Us to Regret Being Created

Shame creates an impulse to hide. It’s humiliating to feel less than others. The desire to cover up is way more intense than you’d find in a game of hide-and-seek. The desire to hide is better described as wishing you could totally scrub yourself out of existence.

You can scrub a carrot clean. You can even peel it to remove the outer dirt. But if you believe there is something wrong with it and keep removing parts of it, hoping to find the defect, eventually you’ll have nothing left. The carrot is a carrot through and through. You are who you are supposed to be after God has cleaned you on the outside and inside.

As you can see, I like using analogies. I use them while I am providing counseling to help people understand what is going on with them in a much deeper way. Here is my analogy for shame: ‘Shame’ is to ‘believing God’ as ‘darkness’ is to ‘light.’ Darkness is not a self-sustaining powerful force. It’s better defined as the absence of light. Likewise, shame has no power over you as long as you have the faith to believe what God says about you.

You will only feel bad about yourself to the degree you can’t trust God. To the degree that you trust God, you also gain healthier self-worth. Meditate on this and start your journey to overcome shame today.

Read more about shame: Shame Is A Universal Struggle
Image by tookapic from Pixabay

Filed Under: Identity, Healing, Self-Image

Shame Is A Universal Struggle

Shame Is A Universal Struggle

February 6, 2022 by Matt Pavlik 3 Comments

Shame is a feeling that everyone has to contend with. It’s universally inescapable. You might think that shame is spread from person to person like a disease. Actually, all of us are born with the inevitability to feel shame.

Shame is there, buried deep within us. It’s buried because we’d rather not feel it. It’d deep because it’s been with us from day one. On our best days, we can keep our heads above the water. At times we don’t feel it, but other times we are completely immersed, terrified of drowning in it. This sense of defectiveness infects a person to their core.

Many people confuse guilt and shame, so let’s look at both so you can work on experiencing more freedom.

Guilt is Feeling a Failure of Doing

If you feel bad because of something you did or didn’t do, then you are feeling guilty. There is also “true” guilt and “false” guilt. If there is nothing wrong with what you did, but you feel guilty anyway, that’s false guilt.

If you have done something wrong, God would have you feel a conviction that drives you to repentance and to seek forgiveness from Him. Conviction is different than guilt. Conviction points to a positive restoration. Guilt points to a negative condemnation.

For the Christian who trusts in Jesus’s sacrifice, guilt is no longer necessary. The law’s purpose is to increase awareness of sin, but the law cannot save you from guilt. Sacrifices were only a temporary measure that could not permanently remove guilt.

Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.

Romans 3:19-20 NIV

The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming—not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. Otherwise, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins.

Hebrews 10:1-2 NIV

But Jesus’s sacrifice has the power to remove guilt forever. God intends that you believe the following about yourself:

  • you have already been made perfect
  • you are in the process of being made holy
  • you are forgiven once and for all, so that no further sacrifice is necessary
  • you are cleansed from a guilty conscience
  • you can have full assurance of all this by faith

For by one sacrifice [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

And where [sins] have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.

…let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

Hebrews 10:14, 18, 22 NIV

Shame is Feeling a Failure of Being

If guilt isn’t enough then there is also shame: that sickening feeling that results simply from existing. Shame results not from what you’ve done, but from how you feel about being you. The context of shame is always other people, how they must view you. Someone feeling shame desperately wants what is impossible: to remove and discard more of who they are.

When Adam and Eve were “naked and felt no shame,” this means they felt no embarrassment for who they were and what they desired (Genesis 2:25). They accepted how God made them without any concern.

Consider who you are and what you feel ashamed of about yourself. That part of you that you believe is defective, dirty, incompetent, unwanted, inadequate, or bad is what God says is good. He made you the way you are on purpose. After your sin is removed (which has already been done) all that remains is everything you are supposed to be.

I pray you are able to rest more and more in this truth that you are loved and accepted.

Steps to Overcoming Shame.
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Filed Under: Self-Image, Emotional Honesty, Healing, Identity Tagged With: bad, defective, dirty, failure, inadaquate, incompetent, unwanted

7 Kingdom Secrets Revealed By Jesus

7 Kingdom Secrets Revealed By Jesus

January 30, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Matthew 13 contains 7 parables that Jesus admits are Kingdom secrets (13:11). When Jesus tells stories about God’s Kingdom, He is speaking about heaven. The Kingdom of Heaven can be best described as having growth, value, and exclusivity.

A dichotomy appears in every story that Jesus tells. Jesus teaches us about heaven by using strong contrasts. It seems like He doesn’t want there to be any room for ambiguity. The people who listen to His stories are without excuse because He speaks plainly enough. Yet, Jesus emphasizes that people can be divided into two groups: those who can understand Him (the Good) and those who listen to Him but can’t hear or understand Him (the Bad) (13:13).

Good and Bad have other relevant labels that Jesus uses throughout Chapter 13:

  • Good and Evil
  • Haves and Have Nots
  • Understanding and Confused
  • Seeing and Not Seeing (Blind)
  • Hearing and Not Hearing (Deaf)
  • Open Minds and Stubborn Minds
  • Turn to God and Turn Away from God
  • Fruitful and Barren
  • God-planted and Enemy-planted
  • Saved/Selected and Unsaved/Rejected
  • Preserved and Destroyed

Kingdom Growth Parables

Secret #1: Receptive Hearts Required

In the Parable of the Sower (13:3-9, 18-23), Jesus divides people into those who have “good soil” and those who have “bad soil.” Only those with receptive hearts (good soil) are in God’s Kingdom.

Secret #2: Jesus’s Good Seed Required

In the Parable of the Weeds (13: 24-30, 36-43), Jesus divides people into those who come from “good seed” and those who come from “bad seed.” There are actually two farmers planting seeds in the same garden (the world). The good farmer plants good seeds. The bad farmer plants bad seeds. Only those planted by Jesus will make it into heaven.

Secret #3: Humble Beginnings Lead to Powerful Endings

In the Parable of the Mustard Seed (13:31-32), Jesus contrasts the smallness of the seed with the largeness of the outcome. He is saying that size doesn’t matter and can even be misleading. Appearances can be deceiving. A lot can come from a little. That’s part of God’s design. Jesus is the perfect example of this, being born in a manger.

Secret #4: Reaches Everywhere

In the Parable of the Yeast (13:33), Jesus continues the theme of humble beginnings by describing His kingdom as starting in one place but with the ability to spread everywhere. There is no place that it cannot reach (Psalm 139:7-8).

Kingdom Value Parables

Secret #5: Source of Greatest Joy

In the Parable of the Hidden Treasure (13:44), Jesus emphasizes that His Kingdom provides the greatest personal fulfillment possible. It’s worth pursuing at all costs. It’s worth giving up everything to obtain it.

Secret #6: Worth More Than Anything You Own

In the Parable of the Pearl of Great Value (13:45-46), Jesus emphasizes that His Kingdom has a greater value than anything you can own. It’s worth going all in to obtain it. The value is in the quality and rarity of the item. Nothing else comes close to heaven. It is beneficial in every way.

Kingdom Exclusivity Parable

Secret #7: Some Will Inherit It and Some Won’t

In the Parable of the Fishing Net (13:47-50), Jesus returns to the theme of dichotomy to summarize His main teaching point. People will be sorted into two groups: the ones selected for the Kingdom and the ones rejected from the Kingdom.

What is the main message behind all these secrets? It’s in what Jesus says to His disciples after they are alone. If Jesus is speaking to you and you can understand what He is saying, then you are blessed!

I have explained the secrets about the kingdom of heaven to you, but not to others.
But God has blessed you, because your eyes can see and your ears can hear! Many prophets and good people were eager to see what you see and to hear what you hear. But I tell you that they did not see or hear.

Matthew 13:11,16,17 CEV

Rejoice that you can see, hear, and understand!

How to advance God’s Kingdom.
Photo from PxHere.

Filed Under: God's Kingdom

Live As A Free Person

Live As A Free Person

January 23, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Do you live more like a free person or a slave? A free person lives without the burden of guilt and shame. Guilt is like a ball and chain. It slows you down and in some cases, it might completely immobilize you. The good news of the Gospel is that Jesus died so you can be free of these horrible burdens.

God introduced the Gospel to us 430 years before He introduced the law (Galatians 3:8, 17). It’s the law that tells us we are guilty (Romans 3:20). The Gospel is based on the promise God gave to Abraham and Abraham’s response in faith. This established the means of salvation well before we even knew about the law.

Faith in God’s Promise Equals Freedom

Salvation is activated by faith (believing God honored His promise in Jesus Christ), not by works (self-righteous acts that attempt to fulfill the law). When you want to know if you are an heir to God’s promise, you only need to verify that you take God’s word (His promise) as the truth. If you believe it, then you are a child of God: a new creation with a spiritual connection to God.

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.

Galatians 3:26-29 NIV

Anyone can activate their salvation, if they can believe. God does not discriminate between His creation in any other way. It doesn’t make a difference if you are a Jew or you are a Gentile, a slave or free, a male or female, you can gain access to God through faith in Christ Jesus.

Once you have this access by faith, you must continue to maintain the access by faith. God’s way liberates you from the burden of fulfilling the law through your own effort. Paul encourages those of us whom Christ has set free to never return to the old ways.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1 NIV

In fact, because of what Christ has done for us, attempting to follow the law is always a wasted effort. Anyone who attempts to achieve salvation through works must fulfill the entire law (Galatians 5:3). Our effort or lack of effort counts for nothing.

For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation.

Galatians 6:6, 6:15 NIV

Being a New Creation Equal Freedom

Are you a new creation? This is the same as asking if you have been born again. Have you experienced a spiritual rebirth (John 3)? If so, you have been set free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2). You are no longer a slave; you are a child of God (son or daughter).

Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 8:34-36 NIV

Reach John 8:31-47. Jesus makes a clear distinction between those who belong to Him and those who don’t know Him. What burdens are you carrying that you no longer need to carry? Set them down. You are free.

Read more about freedom by interpreting the Bible correctly.
Read more about gaining freedom by knowing God.
Image by Daniel Reche from Pixabay

Filed Under: Spiritual Formation, Identity

Listen To The Heartbroken Spouse You Wounded

Listen To The Heartbroken Spouse You Wounded

January 16, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Is it possible to really listen to a spouse (or other loved one) who is furious with you? Maybe you betrayed them or simply have been insensitive. No matter the cause, if you want to keep the relationship, there’s no better time to listen well.

To listen well is a skill. You can learn to listen better if you want to. Hearing and understanding your spouse won’t guarantee their healing or their forgiveness. But it is both the least and the most you can do.

It’s the least you can do because listening does accomplish something. Listening can validate another’s pain and help him or her move beyond it. It’s the most you can do because there’s no way to undo whatever you did to upset your spouse.

In saying all this I’m making a few assumptions:

  • You are guilty of hurting your spouse in some way.
  • Your spouse is justifiably angry with you.
  • You want to do what you can to heal your relationship.

Listen and Understand Before Expecting Forgiveness

To be guilty is to be in need of forgiveness. But your spouse might not be close to being ready to forgive you. Be patient with the one who is struggling to forgive. It’s okay for them to take some time to work through the pain and be completely ready to forgive.

Jesus commands us to forgive one another because of all He has forgiven us. But shallow forgiveness (in word only) isn’t what Jesus wants from us. He wants us to mean what we say with all our hearts. See The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant for more details (Matthew 18:21-35).

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

The command to forgive doesn’t depend on the other’s sincerity, however, you can certainly make it easier by being genuinely sorry. Listening isn’t a substitute for repentance, but it can be evidence you are changing your ways.

Listen By Focusing on the Other Person

When you are guilty where is your attention? It’s on you, right? Relief from the agony of guilt is an urgent need, not unlike needing relief from hunger, tiredness, or even a full bladder. How well can you concentrate on another’s concern in these situations?

Before you can be attentive to the one you hurt, you must first take your guilt to the Lord. After you have repented and secured His forgiveness, you will be able to give your undivided attention to caring for your spouse.

So many people attempt to “be there” for their spouse when they are still caught up in the mess of their guilt. You can tell if this is you by how you respond. When your spouse talks about how they are hurting, you aren’t listening well if you immediately shift the focus to you with something like, “I already told you I’m sorry” or “I feel terrible about what I did.”

Instead of starting with “I…” keep your spouse in the spotlight. Let their concerns be the focus. You already focused on yourself by hurting them, don’t repeat the offense.

There is one exception to this rule. If the person you hurt wants to hear what is going on in your heart, then you can meet their need by letting some of the focus rest on you. Maintain a healthy balance but always be prepared to serve the needs of the one you hurt.

Listening that focuses on your loved one requires a substantial amount of effort, but the payoff is worth it.

Read more on healthy listening.
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

Filed Under: Betrayal, Marriage Tagged With: empathy, Forgiveness, guilt

Rejection Is Like A Painful Death

Rejection Is Like A Painful Death

January 9, 2022 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

What has been your experience with rejection? I see it as the most painful experience. But God has overcome it with the power of His acceptance.

I recently watched the movie, Saving Private Ryan, again. In one scene a German and American soldier are wrestling for survival. The American pulls out a knife, but the German manages to use the knife against him. The American pushes against the German’s arm to prevent the knife from cutting into his chest, but slowly the knife moves deeper until the American dies.

In managing pain, it’s usually easier to face and get it over with quickly. A slow and painful death is bad enough. To face the humiliation of defeat and also endure excruciating torment is the worst. But isn’t this is exactly what Jesus faced on the cross? He was without personal guilt, but in carrying the weight of sin, He must have experienced the shame of our guilt.

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”

1 Peter 2:24 NIV

To die at the hands of another person is a physical rejection. To wither away because of another person’s critical words is an emotional rejection.

Rejection Is a Lie From the Devil

The devil wants you to feel cut off from God. He doesn’t have the ability to sever your connection with God. The best he can do is deceive you into believing God has rejected you.

When you experience emotional rejection, there is nothing true about it. It’s not valid. If you struggle with self-doubt, you become susceptible to believing the lie is valid. You might feel horrible as if it were true. This happens when you focus on the negatives rather than on God. It often leads to God-doubt such as, “God doesn’t love me” or “I’m too defective for God to love me.”

Jesus’s sacrifice saves you from destruction. He rescued you from the darkness–including its lies and shame.

For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.

Colossians 1:13-14 NLT

Because of this, no matter what you’ve done, you do not have to endure any shameful rejection. Don’t do that to yourself. You can graciously accept God’s discipline but you can reject the devil’s rejection.

God Accepts You as a Friend

Do you realize that God is for you? Because of Jesus’s death, you are blameless and without a single fault.

This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault. But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News.

Colossians 1:21-23 NLT

Because God has removed your sin and guilt, you have His complete acceptance. Others may reject you, but God will not reject you any longer. God wants you to cling to this truth. You are a member of His family. You are God’s friend.

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

John 15:15 ESV

To fully heal from rejection, you must not avoid it. Only by feeling it can you realize how false it is. The process involves staring down the lie until it is no more. Facing the lie with the truth weakens it. Even though it can be absurdly painful, the lie will die, leaving you with freedom because of Christ.

Take some time to remember when you have felt most rejected. Allow the truth of God’s acceptance to wash away the lie.

Read more about overcoming discouragement.
Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Filed Under: Identity, Abuse and Neglect, Healing, Self-Image

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