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Archives for July 2023

Avoid Taking Actions Personally

Avoid Taking Actions Personally

July 30, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

Taking actions personally means placing too much emphasis on another’s words or behaviors. The hurt you experience makes it easier to become offended. Taking actions personally means that you are allowing another’s behavior to get to you. Their words become harmful to you. Taking actions personally means you feel invalidated. To be invalid means to be wrong or weak.

It’s possible to be wrong in a factual way. I thought it was too hot outside, but you are right, it’s actually pleasant. Even though being wrong in this way can be hard for some people, it doesn’t usually result in becoming offended. It’s also possible to feel wrong in a personal way. I failed to recognize my daughter is sad; I am defective. That feeling of being defective is shame. It cuts to the core. It is a state of not feeling accepted or wanted for who you are.

Taking Actions Personally Creates Rejection

Rejection isn’t fun. It can be quite disorienting and debilitating. It can cause self-doubt to fester. Without the internal strength to discount negative, painful messages, people can become defensive. Being defensive means attempting to manage the pain through some form of counter-attack or deflection. I don’t know how to defend against this, so I will go on the offensive to shift the focus away from me. While you can see that defensiveness has a purpose (to protect), it, unfortunately, often ends up inflaming an already tense situation.

Taking Actions Personally Increases Conflict

How can someone else’s struggle give life to (trigger) your personal struggle? It happens when you allow another’s words to become an offense. To work through conflict, it’s important to see clearly how this happens. The focus shifts from another’s problem to your problem. Instead of one wounded person, there are now two. Two upset people dramatically increase the likelihood of an unhealthy argument.

A wounded person feels threatened. There is danger. The greater the threat, the more resilience is needed to prevent a deeper wound. The less confidence people feel in dealing with an attack, the greater their sense of desperation. People in great distress will more likely act impulsively. They might subconsciously hold to it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Taking Actions Personally Reveals Vulnerability

It can be a tactic to expose people and use what is learned against them. This can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more offensive a message, the more energy is needed to resist it. The more defensive energy put into resisting, the more the energy is directed back to the other.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 15:1,2,4 NIV

Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.

Proverbs 10:12 NLT

The opposite of offended is validated. Instead of giving others what they don’t need (destructive words), try giving others what they do need. Instead of returning rejection with more rejection, offer acceptance. This doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you or take advantage of you. You should maintain healthy boundaries at all times. However, it’s possible to have boundaries and offer words that bring healing instead of harm.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 4:23, 12:18 NIV

When tempted to take actions personally, consider your need for validation. God is the richest source of validation. What He says about you matters more than anyone else. When you are triggered, seek Him with all your heart so you can experience true security. God’s love for you is immovable, constant, permanent.

Learn more about conflict resolution.
Image by Franz Bachinger from Pixabay

Filed Under: Conflict Resolution, Boundaries, Identity, Marriage

Could Artificial Intelligence Cripple Relationships?

Could Artificial Intelligence Cripple Relationships?

July 16, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 3 minutes

Could someone fall in love with an Artificial Intelligence (AI) robot? Many movies have raised this question of whether a robot could replace a human [1]. Could this be a dangerous possibility because the technology to fool people is improving?

Anything can become an idol. Keep in mind that all idols are inferior to God. People can know something is fake and still become unhealthily enthralled with it. It’s possible to become addicted to just about anything. Movies and books might seem tame compared to virtual reality (VR) or AI robots but they can be just as enticing. Some people will use whatever means they can to lead others into sin. Sometimes it is intentional and sometimes not. Regardless, anything less than God will not ultimately satisfy the human heart. But, people continue to try to find satisfaction elsewhere.

What is Artificial Intelligence?

Artificial Intelligence (AI) is a computer program that uses statistical methods to identify patterns in data (stored, interconnected knowledge) to simulate understanding. With enough data and a sophisticated method, a program could appear to be human. AI is artificial because it is not living. It has no soul, no spirit. It is also artificial because it cannot change its programming or create new data without human help.

Is Artificial Intelligence Capable of Human Intelligence?

Larson, in his book The Myth of Artificial Intelligence, makes a clear argument that AI is not close to understanding how humans think. We have an intelligence that cannot be replicated through deduction or induction. Deduction is using logic to solve problems given information that already exists. It doesn’t add new knowledge, it only finds hidden knowledge. Induction is predicting future events based on the statistics of past events. For example, if I always pull a white marble from a bag, then I could declare that all the marbles in the bag are (probably) white.

AI that matches human creative capability requires abduction which is generating new ideas, thoughts, and summaries that go beyond the existing data. It makes a leap to what might be. It is not always accurate, but it can lead to breakthrough discoveries. Abduction is the domain of humans. AI will always be dependent on humans for new data [8].

Could Robots Become Close Enough to Human?

With enough data and programming, there will likely come a day when a robot can appear human, at least in terms of its ability to regurgitate facts. A computer will never be capable of emotion. Robots follow their programming; they do not care about anything else. Emotions, abstract thought, and creative ability distinguish humans from everything else God created. We are made in his image so God has these essential qualities but only more so because His ways are higher than our ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV

The same could be said for anything a human can create. A creature cannot be more complicated than its creator. As Christians, we should spend at least as much time looking up to God as we do looking (down) at created things.

Why settle for Artificial Intelligence when we have access to our Creator’s Infinite Intelligence? It is easy to settle when it seems like God is “too high” to be relatable. It is hard to see God when He is not right there in front of us. The Chosen has helped me see God as more accessible through Jesus.

[1] List of movies about robot-human relationships.
Learn more about addictions.
Image by bamenny from Pixabay

Filed Under: Marriage, Identity

Fight Fair Even When Triggered

Fight Fair Even When Triggered

July 2, 2023 by Matt Pavlik Leave a Comment

Reading time: 4 minutes

What does it mean to be triggered? People become triggered under the following conditions:

  1. Their current reaction is out of proportion to the current activity.
  2. A negative experience (trauma) accounts for the difference between the two.

In this post, I explain how to use triggers to help you better understand yourself. Truly understanding yourself and others is the best way to resolve conflict. But finding understanding is hard work. Proverbs 4 tells us to get understanding even if it costs us everything (all of our earthly possessions anyway).

Get wisdom, get understanding;
    do not forget my words or turn away from them.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
    love her, and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
    Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
Cherish her, and she will exalt you;
    embrace her, and she will honor you.
She will give you a garland to grace your head
    and present you with a glorious crown.”

Proverbs 4:5-9 NIV

The consequences of a lack of understanding are costly, leading to the destruction of relationships. In the remainder of this post, let us assume you are in conflict with “Person X”. A negative reaction to being triggered is to lash out at Person X (which only degrades the relationship further).

Why are we arguing over who is going to plan the next vacation? People are often confused by how a simple matter can produce such a heated conflict. But there really is no great mystery. There could be many reasons but they all come about because of an inability to handle life.

People manage life poorly because they lack the experiences that can teach the truth about who they are. Sometimes this “lack” takes the form of not getting enough positives (such as nurturing) and other times it is caused by getting too many negatives (such as abuse).

How to Fight Fair When Triggered

The absolute first action to take when you are triggered is to start entertaining the idea that you must be upset by more than just what is happening at the moment. A close second is to recognize that you probably have a good reason for being upset, even if you do not have a good reason for attacking Person X.

At this point, you might see that these first two steps require a rational response. Usually, however, by the time a person is already triggered, it is too late: logical thinking is nearly impossible. That’s because when people feel threatened by the conflict, their bodies respond with adrenaline to help them deal with the challenge. The best you can do, once you are aware, is to disengage from Person X until you can think clearly again.

After you calm down, explore what caused such a dramatic reaction. What from your past crashed into that recent encounter? For example, if you become triggered by feeling responsible for planning a vacation, then consider what other times in your life you resented being the responsible one who takes care of the details. Doing this as an exercise will provide a map of sorts. You should be able to see the link between similar events.

After you have a map, take it to Person X. Explain the map to them. You might find it necessary to further explain that you are not making excuses for your behavior but are trying to provide an explanation. This is helpful because it provides context which should increase the understanding Person X has of you.

Understanding Builds Resilience to Being Triggered

Understanding is the top goal in achieving better communication. After you reach an understanding, negotiating a solution becomes almost simple (relatively speaking). I say this because understanding paves a path to resolving conflict. In this context, understanding means knowing what you want and why you want it. However, this is difficult to achieve.

There are at least two huge obstacles to understanding:

  1. Only God understands everyone (and everything).
  2. It is challenging to understand yourself, let alone another person, let alone a person very different from you.

If you want to fight fair and resolve conflict consider your answer to these two questions:

  1. Do you really want to understand yourself?
  2. Do you really want to understand Person X?

How much understanding is good enough? We don’t have eternity to reach an understanding, therefore, to solve day-to-day problems, understanding must be made practical. This means putting enough effort into gaining understanding that will allow you to resolve conflict and live peaceably with Person X.

Learn more about conflict resolution.
Image by Мария Ткачук from Pixabay

Filed Under: Conflict Resolution, Identity, Marriage

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