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Addiction Is About Control

Addiction Is About Control

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Reading time: 4 minutes

What is your definition of addiction? If you are trying to break free from an addiction, it’s easier to focus more on the object of desire such as food, alcohol, or sex than the internal workings of your mind. This denial of what is really going on is another core trait of an addict. In fact, addictions often start because we don’t want to focus on ourselves–specifically the pain we’re going through.

Addiction is over-reliance on creation in an attempt to cope with (or control or manage) anything undesirable. Coping is seen as positive in pop psychology. However, it’s more of a quick fix than a permanent solution. Coping should be what people do until a solution is available and they are ready to pursue it.

Coping without hope is just making someone comfortable. As Christians, we know there is always a reason to hope, so focusing on comfort further hides the solution. If you don’t trust a better future is coming, you have less strength to endure unfortunate events. The best you might be able to do is pretend it doesn’t matter so you can, at least, derive greater pleasure at the moment.

Coping with hope is waiting for a real fix. As Christians, we can face our suffering because we already have the fix. We’re just waiting for it to take full effect (when we pass on to the next life). Our coping and hoping is not in vain.

Addiction Avoids Discomfort

If you’re addicted, ask yourself, “What does my addictive behavior help me avoid?” You are probably trying to avoid seeing your own brokenness. But brokenness can be buried beneath layers of discomfort and bitterness.

It’s one thing to say, “I’m angry because I didn’t get the job I applied for.” But it’s another altogether to admit, “I didn’t get the job because I didn’t work hard enough at my previous job.” Or maybe, “I think God is trying to tell me I have to work on being more responsible before I get the job I want.”

We tend to vastly overestimate our ability to control outcomes. Forming an addition is tempting because it provides the solution we’re looking for (reduced pain). The real problem then is that we aren’t looking for the right solution (character growth).

Addiction Focuses On Pleasure

How does anyone avoid discomfort? It’s beneficial to resolve pain. God gives us pain so that we will make corrections.

The wrong way to manage pain is to simply turn off the registration of the pain. If you step on a nail but don’t feel it, you’ll probably further damage your foot. You want to feel pain that screams, “Address this problem now!” But then, after you register the hurt and are committed to correcting the injury, it’s humane to seek relief.

Feeling pleasant body sensations is only going to help for a short time. It’s possible to be in significant distress but experience an overall sense of peace. Knowing that whatever you’re going through is temporary–that’s the highest degree of comfort.

Seek relief, but only after you’re committed to God’s solution.

Addiction Ignores Identity

All addicts struggle with an identity crisis. They can’t trust who they really are. They can’t trust God. They can’t believe their pain is temporary.

All of us are recovering addicts. We want to control the immediate discomfort. We can become weary of waiting for the eternal solution to become reality.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9 NIV

So what is a person to do? First, if you’re struggling with some form of addiction, you can become aware of what you are trying to control. Write it down. Tell someone about it. What pain does your behavior cover-up?

If you’re eating or drinking too much, that’s a superficial problem. Controlling your consumption, all by itself, doesn’t address the core problem. Forcing yourself to diet might help you lose weight. You might even look and feel better.

There could be a missed opportunity if you never explore the underlying reason why you chose dysfunctional eating habits in the first place. The opposite of control is to release or surrender.

What are you trying to control, that is creating addictive behavior, that instead, you could surrender to God?

Read Be Imperfect But Live Strong Anyway for more on brokenness and life balance.
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Use Your Inspiring Identity For Good

Use Your Inspiring Identity For Good

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Reading time: 6 minutes

Your identity is God’s gift to you so you can enjoy God and His creation. God also made you for others’ benefit. So, what good is your identity if you keep it hidden?

No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.

Matthew 5:15 NLT

This verse made its way into a children’s song: This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine. Hide it under a bushel? No!

Everyone is made in God’s image. Believers have the Holy Spirit as a permanent dwelling companion. This qualifies all believers to come out of hiding. You have a light to shine.

Are You Afraid of Your Own Identity?

Often though, people are afraid of what will happen if they stay true to who they are.

  • I can’t tell my husband how I really feel. It would hurt his feelings.
  • I can’t take that promotion. Mark has worked here longer than I have.
  • I can’t tell my friend I don’t want to be in her wedding.
  • I can’t tell my neighbor his dog is too loud.

If you aren’t living up to your God-given potential, then you aren’t fulfilling God’s plan for your life. Likewise, if you aren’t being emotionally honest, you are minimizing your impact because of shame, or fear of rejection.

What you say or do will have an impact on someone. That’s what it means to be a person. You can’t be a healthy person and avoid that. God intends for you to use your identity to make a difference in the lives of others. But this can only be done without pretense.

Yet, many people struggle with being genuine. This is understandable because the problem of what to reveal to others can be complicated. While we all need a place where we can be as transparent as we need to be, there are also times when the people in our lives aren’t ready for it.

Do You Respect Others’ Identities?

What if being who we are would cause someone else pain? Paul addresses this in the context of faith.

Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall. You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right.

Romans 14:13,22 NLT

There are situations where God would have us keep our convictions to ourselves. We aren’t supposed to force our convictions onto another believer. We aren’t supposed to condemn or judge another believer in areas left to personal opinion.

While everyone has an ideal identity, we are all works in progress. In some areas, your friend might have a weaker understanding of their identity in Christ. In other areas, you might not understand the freedom that you have.

Even for ourselves, if we have doubts about a particular belief or action, we should seek clarity before taking action. God wants to act according to the faith we have. Faith is the road one must travel in order to please God (Romans 12:3, Hebrews 11:6).

For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.

Romans 14:23 ESV

To further complicate matters, perhaps, as a child, you heard your parent tell you:

If you don’t have anything nice to say, it’s better to not say anything at all.

And, Jesus says that we are to:

Treat others how you would want them to treat you (Luke 6:31).

Can You Act With a Confident Identity?

How then can a person follow these seemingly opposing principles:

  • Be emotionally honest with what is in your heart.
  • Don’t cause others to stumble.

The right approach is determined by:

  1. Who you talk to
  2. How you tell them and how much you tell them
  3. What the consequences are for speaking or remaining silent

There’s a difference between staying true to your identity and condemning someone because of your beliefs. God wants you to be true to Him first, then true to yourself. But He also commands us to not pass judgment on someone because of their convictions (Romans 14:3).

Condemning someone for their beliefs is outsides the bounds of the authority God gives us. It’s up to God to approve or disapprove (Romans 14:4). But sharing your heart within an intimate relationship such as marriage is another situation entirely. Emotional healing can take place only when we share transparently what is in our hearts.

Suppose a person is married with children. This person feels stress from being a parent to young children. If you were this person, what could you do to stay true to your identity while not harming others? Evaluate the situation by determining the context.

  1. Who: Expecting young children to understand stress is unrealistic and it could burden them with something that isn’t their responsibility or problem. Instead, you can talk to your spouse, friend, or counselor.
  2. How: Tell your children in non-blaming age-appropriate language. “I need a break. Your grandparents are going to watch you for a while.”
  3. What: This comes down to how stressed you are. If a good night’s rest will take care of it, then maybe you don’t need to do anything else.

Suppose instead that you aren’t feeling attracted to your spouse anymore. What could you do?

  1. Who: Expecting your spouse to listen to your feelings about this is reasonable and necessary to improve the relationship. Are they in a position to handle it right now? Speak to them directly if possible, otherwise temporarily consider a friend or counselor.
  2. How: Be clear and sincere. If you want a better relationship realize it can take time to work through all the issues. It’s important to stay committed to the process. Seek to understand and be understood before you seek a solution.
  3. What: Silence doesn’t seem like an option. How can you have a fulfilling, intimate relationship if you can’t be honest? It’s the honesty that can lead to greater intimacy.

The key to resolving difficult scenarios like these is to realize that honesty is the first step in finding a resolution. Other people can’t help with your problems if they don’t know about them. Yes, they might not always like what you are saying, but hiding the problem is never a helpful strategy. Shame is a problem; hiding can feel better, but finding acceptance is the solution.

Hiding denies the problem which only allows it to grow. Facing the problem, with faith, God’s help, and others’ help might be unpleasant at first, but it always allows for the best possible outcome.

Allowing others to see you as you really are will be a priceless gift. If done with humility, it can inspire hope because of the testimony of how God will be able to heal your heart.

Read more about the hope of emotional healing.
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Sensible Risk With God As Your Safety Net

Sensible Risk With God As Your Safety Net

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Are you a risk-taker? That depends, you might say.

For some people, the risk is almost always worth the reward. They take a leap forward. They see staying at the same spot as even riskier than the unknown that lies ahead.

For some people, the predictability of remaining the same is its own reward. A leap might become a fall. A fall becomes a failure. It’s too much of a hassle.

For even others, risk is a no-brainer when what is at stake is worthwhile. Is my family in danger? Is my faith in Christ threatened? Nothing would prevent me from fighting for what I care about.

Whatever your preference, everyone has their limit on passivity. That’s because God wired us to care about what matters. We are made in His image, so we are willing to die for what is valuable. What is valuable to you?

Faith Appears to Involve Risk

Imagine a tightrope anchored between two tall buildings. You are on one side with a crowd of people. One man shouts, “Do you believe I can cross this rope to the other side?” The crowd cheers, “Yes!” The man shouts again, “Do you believe I can push a barrel while crossing?” The crowd cheers, “Yes!” The man shouts again, “How about if a person is inside the barrel and I am blindfolded?” The crowd answers, “Yes!” Finally, the man says, “Who will get into the barrel?” The crowd only responds with silence.

What is important enough to you to get into the barrel? Maybe you will get into the barrel because you can see the value in what is on the other side. But God doesn’t usually provide a clear picture of what that will be. He wants trust. Maybe then you will get into the barrel because God is asking you to.

Trust in the LORD always, for the LORD GOD is the eternal Rock.

Isaiah 26:4 NLT

Faith is Different than Risk

If God is asking you to get into the barrel, the request is actually much easier to fulfill. God rewards those who trust in Him. What if God wants you to let someone else (an imperfect human) push you across? The choice is still easy enough. God is the safety net below the rope. If you fall, He will catch you. He wants you to succeed. He wants you to grow in your trust.

Crossing to the other side means experiencing life. It means life. Nothing else should be more important than God and what He wants for your life.

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.

Matthew 16:25 NLT

On the other hand, there is no need for a safety net if you have no plans to cross the rope.

What is Faith?

It’s trusting that God is working in you in ways that inspire action. It’s a sensible risk with God as your safety net. Without faith, it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6).

Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

Philippians 2:12-13 NLT

God clearly wants to give you the desire and ability to please Him. All that you need to do is cooperate with His desire. Can you meet God with your enthusiastic agreement? Help me to desire what you want. Grant me the power to do what pleases you. When I am confused, guide me on the right path forward.

Does that path you are on seem confusing? Are you unsure if you are moving in the right direction? Check your heart. If your path involves sin, it’s the wrong path. Otherwise, if you desire to be on the path, stay on that path and trust God will guide you. To continue reflecting on this idea, read Psalm 23.

Read more about faith and risk.
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Correction Is Amazingly Hopeful

Correction Is Amazingly Hopeful

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Reading time: 3 minutes

Correction isn’t possible without patience. That’s because correction focuses on what is best for people who have errored. The opposite of correction is being lenient or harsh–it’s the sweet spot between the two.

Leniency fails to provide enough (or any) correction. It’s neglectful. It’s not the same as mercy which omits any destruction but still involves whatever is best.

Harshness over-corrects. It’s abusive. It’s not the same as helpful consequences. Harshness harms the people who have errored. It weakens them, making them less likely to achieve positive results.

A natural consequence for people who drive drunk is to take away their ability to drive. They might be inconvenienced but they still have a path forward in life. A lenient response would be silence (no consequence) which is essentially the same as condoning the behavior. An extreme, harsh response might be permanent expulsion from the country.

Correction Inspires Hope

There is never anything bad about correction. If it is on target, people can feel the consequence but can keep their dignity intact. Whatever they lose or whatever they must endure clearly points them in a direction that is only better.

Pruning is an excellent example of correction. A plant is expanding but not in ways that are healthy. It might have a disease, but it still has incredible value. Pruning reshapes the growth of the plant, making it optimal long-term.

“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you.”

John 15:1-3 NLT

Pruning (correction) brings focus. The person doing the pruning communicates, “Don’t go that way; go this way.” The person who receives correction experiences loss. It can be quite painful, but it will be short-lived if the person adopts the right perspective.

Punishment Brings Despair

Punishment might share some things in common with correction but it’s definitely not a good substitute. The devil wants to bring about whatever will rob a person of hope. He feeds off of despair.

Punishment is more than just the delivery of hopelessness. It promotes lies. It hides the truth of the Gospel. To be discouraged, you must become blind to the truth.

Punishment decreases hope which makes life less livable. Returning to the gardening analogy, the punishment goes beyond pruning to hacking away at a plant. Instead of carefully cutting away unnecessary branches, all of the plant’s leaves might be removed. It’s not murder but the chance that the plant will die increases significantly.

How does God, our spiritual parent, relate to us? He corrects His children and He will eventually punish those who never become His children.

And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said,

“My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and don’t give up when he corrects you.
For the Lord disciplines those he loves,
    and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”

As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever?

Hebrews 12:5-9 NLT

Use the ideas of correction and punishment to guide how you treat yourself and others. Evaluate how you treat yourself. If it feels harsh like punishment, you are being too hard on yourself. If you feel no incentive to improve, you are being too lenient. If it feels amazingly hopeful like you are really growing, you’re on the right path.

God is love, so His correction is going to feel loving even when it is painful. Love always hopes.

Discipline Versus Punishment
More about Discipline from Matt
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Your Purpose Is Always Packed With Potential

Your Purpose Is Always Packed With Potential

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Reading time: 4 minutes

You are an individual with your own personality, interests, and abilities. You have an identity. Therefore, you automatically have a built-in purpose.

Your identity is inseparable from your purpose. If God intentionally created you as distinct from others, there must be a reason for your uniqueness. Why would God have made you if He didn’t want someone just like you?

Purpose Implies Many Other Profound Truths

While you can’t expect to discover your purpose overnight, you can be sure you have one at all times. If you always have a purpose, here is what also must be true at all times:

Your life is intentional.

God made you with intention. You are who you are because of His purpose. There are no coincidences. You aren’t like a random fish in a vast ocean that contains an uncountable number of fish. You aren’t an interchangeable part—one of many other identical fish. God knows you by your name.

What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31 NLT

He knows you so completely that He placed you with your character, skills, and abilities in the time and place for you to live (Act 17:26).

You are a work of art.

You are a planned, deliberate, creative design. You’re not an accident. Your personality isn’t a mistake. You’re not lame or inferior. You’re not a reject. You’re not God’s failed experiment.

While we all need to admit that we have flaws, we have a real need to see ourselves apart from our flaws. One day (in the next life) you will no longer have these flaws. So they can’t be so significant today. The wrong you do today isn’t really a part of who you are.

Flaws can also be misrepresented. What might seem like a weakness–a personal defect–could actually be a misplaced strength. A fish is weak on dry land but strong in the water.

Just existing is meaningful.

What you feel, think, and do is significant. Even when seems like you are accomplishing nothing, you’re doing something. No matter how you feel about your deeds—whether they feel significant or not, in God’s eyes, they are important. To be alive means you are productive. God wired you to thrive by pursuing a relationship with Him.

You have significant work to do.

The more you understand life, the more you will know what to do. Not only can you make an important contribution in this life, but you were intentionally designed to do so.

You have a destiny to fulfill.

You will not only make a contribution, but you will be completing the work God planned for you when He made you.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:10 NLT

You are wanted and needed.

All of this means that you, in all of your uniqueness, are needed. Without your participation, the outcome of any given relationship or task will play out in a different way than if you were involved. This doesn’t mean that God’s plans are limited by your refusal to participate. God will fulfill His purposes. Nothing can prevent or delay His will. But He chose you to participate. You are a masterpiece; you are one-of-a-kind.

Purpose Will Be Elusive Until You Know Who You Are

Having and understanding your identity provides numerous benefits. Can you imagine how knowing you have a purpose at all times helps you live each day? Now then, are you able to wake up excited about your day?

What’s your purpose? If knowing your purpose or even believing you have one is still difficult, then you first need to focus on learning who you are.

When you know your identity, you will know your purpose. When you are unsure of your purpose, then it is a signal to grow by digging deeper into understanding your identity. Because of your God-given identity, you have a purpose, and knowing this purpose allows you to claim your destiny.

Read more about purpose.
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Updated on August 22, 2022

Core Beliefs About Identity

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Reading time: 1 minutes

While you’ll see I’ve posted in several different categories, I write through one primary lens: identity. I want everyone to understand their God-given identity. Here are my top core beliefs about identity:

  • God knew who you were before you were conceived, therefore, you’re not a random occurring life form. You’re an intentional work of art.
  • You can’t be anything you want to be, but you can be more of exactly who God made you to be.
  • You can have true freedom and fulfillment only when you accept and grow in your God-given identity.

Learn more about Christian Concepts and Matt Pavlik.