Reading time: 4 minutes
How can two people become one? The key to understanding God’s design for marriage is understanding the word “one.” One what? God is not expecting two people to become one person. He wants them to learn how to be on one and the same side (on the same team).
Where do you want to go for dinner?
I don’t care. What do you want?
I’m feeling like Mexican.
That’s fine with me.
I could also go for a hamburger.
Either one sounds good.
Where would you like to go?
I could eat a hamburger. Or, Mexican sounds good, too.
Which would you prefer?
I’m okay either way.
Be Defined So You Can Become One
To maximize emotional closeness with someone, you must be able to clearly define who you are.
True intimacy is the meeting of two well-defined people. To the degree that one or both people are not defined, you lose intimacy. How could you be intimate with someone who never has an opinion or preference?
I took some red play-dough and some grey clay and made three different scenarios as you can see in the post’s image.
The left scenario represents two distinct people with some distance between them. They aren’t making contact, so they can’t experience each other.
The two right scenarios represent couples that have made contact. The top scenario has one color and one shape. This couple thinks they have become one when in reality they’ve lost their individual identities. Trying to be what the other person wants without defining who you are is a recipe for deeper confusion and exhaustion.
The bottom couple has one shape but retains two distinct colors. This couple can choose to function as a team while still remaining fully aware of their distinct, God-given identities. They have the benefits of togetherness and individuality.
Remain Two So You Can Become One
God’s design for marriage means that a man and a woman become one. One what? One flesh. Not one spirit. Not one identity. Not one soul.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24
and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. -Mark 10:8
Becoming one flesh means a husband and wife are on the same team. There are two people and one team. What happens to one has a significant impact on the other. Yet, both husband and wife retain their individual distinctions (personality, opinions, etc.).
Resolve Conflict So You Can Become One
When two people define themselves in a close relationship, they’re bound to stir up some conflict. Conflict in this context is good. Conflict sets the stage for intimacy. Conflict helps two people define where the boundary is between them so that neither loses their self in the process of coming together.
To resolve conflict, you must know your boundaries. You must know yourself and what you want. You must also know and accept the other person’s limitations.
Finally, after you both know what you want, you must communicate this to each other to reach an understanding. You enter into negotiations to determine how to maximize the resolution for the greater good of both of you.
The challenge with this is no one knows their self perfectly. Once you move closer to another, all kinds of fears can surface. They all center around acceptance or rejection. There are ways to make intimacy easier or make it impossible.
The more a person depends on their spouse to make life happy, pleasant, or even just bearable, the more conflict resolution will be impossible. When hope is set on anything but God’s saving grace, life will be more challenging.
Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 1:13 ESV
If relationships are roads, then the fears of intimacy are the potholes. You can deny that potholes exist (avoid conflict) or accept their existence (embrace conflict). The following post continues this discussion in more detail. For now, what’s for dinner?
Matt Pavlik is a licensed professional clinical counselor who wants to see each individual restored to their true identity. He has more than 20 years of experience counseling individuals and couples at his Christian counseling practice, New Reflections Counseling. Matt and Georgette have been married since 1999 and live with their four children in Centerville, Ohio.
Matt’s courses and books contain practical exercises that help God’s truth spring to life:
Thank you Matt. This came at a perfect time!
Good points. I like the concept. I do believe we become one identity to a degree, but I think you’re probably right that our full identity won’t be realized without being recognized as wholly individual as we as married. Married is more than a label though. It is part of who we are… if we are married that is. Thanks for good points to ponder!