Christian Concepts

Bringing your Potential to Light

Marriage

Healthy Oneness

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Confusion about oneness creates a substantial burden for relationships. If you believe oneness means you must eliminate your individual identity, your relationship will struggle to thrive. Instead of having opinions you’ll only have compliance. Instead of strengthening your relationship, you’ll create weaknesses.

God says husband and wife become one flesh. One flesh has at least two meanings. On a literal, physical level, one flesh refers to the joining of two bodies in sexual union. On a figurative, spiritual level, one flesh refers to becoming a unified family.

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

Genesis 2:24 NLT

Both levels imply coming together in a unified partnership that isn’t meant to be separated (until death). Both are illustrations of the deeper, permanent reality of Christ and the Church.

Note that two being a unified one is different than two changing into one. A unified one allows closeness while retaining individual definition. A married man and woman don’t lose their God-given identities; they gain experience in physical and spiritual oneness that can’t be experienced any other way.

I like to put it this way. A husband and wife are on the same team and should act as one to accomplish their goals. What is a win for one is a win for the other. A loss for one is a loss for the other.

This allows for individual choices. God will judge a man on how good a husband he is. God will judge a woman on how good a wife she is. But God doesn’t make one responsible for the other’s poor choices. God doesn’t directly judge you for how good your marriage is–only indirectly through your performance because it is within your control.

In a tennis match, if one player is significantly more skilled than the other, the game won’t look very good, but each individual can still be judged on their skill and character while playing.

This isn’t a free pass to act only in your best interest. You should act both in your best interest and also in the best interest of your partner. God expects you to give up your demand to have life go the way you want it. God opposes the proud. Insisting on your way at all costs is usually selfish.

Two strong individuals make a strong marriage. One dominant and one weak person will create a marriage that is less strong than the couple’s average strength. In contrast, the synergy from two strong individuals who have learned how to cooperate will exceed the output of two strong individuals working apart.

Learning how to cooperate as a team takes time and effort. Marital oneness includes a physical and spiritual closeness, so it is more than what being on a sports team feels like. At the same time, it has to be less than what being in heaven will be like.

What has your experience with oneness been like? Are you expecting too much or too little from your relationship?

For more on oneness, take a look at How Two Identities Become One. The image associated with it provides a clear picture of what two as one should look like.

Image #286346030 licensed from Adobe Stock

Why There Are So Many Perspectives

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If ten people see a car accident, all ten of them will have a different eye-witness report.

If five people interpret a Bible verse, all five of them will have a different opinion of its meaning.

A husband and a wife will have very different ways to recall the same event.

Why are there so many different perspectives?

Most of the time people interpret life based on their investment. By investment, I mean their convictions—their worldview. A person who has been bitten by a dog will make an investment to avoid dogs. Or maybe they will focus on finding a cure for angry dogs. A parent whose child experiences a serious injury because of a malfunctioning car seat will all of a sudden become interested in how car seats need improving. Or perhaps in an extreme case, they will refuse to let their child ride in a car.

One way to find out what someone really believes is to witness them in a heated argument. The more agitated a person becomes, the more likely they will bypass their filter and speak their raw truth. Their words may or may not be accurate, but how the person feels will come across much clearer.

If (or maybe I should say when) you’re struggling to communicate with another person, the first step should be to gain understanding. Why do they not want a dog? Why do they insist on paying extra for premium safety features? When you understand a person’s investment, you’re well on your way to negotiating a solution to your heated argument.

How Two Identities Resolve Conflict

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This solution for resolving conflict is the third and final post in a series on two identities developing closeness. You can read the first one: How Two Identities Become One, or the second one, Why Two Identities Struggle to Resolve Conflict, to understand the context.

To resolve conflict and become one in a healthy way, you first must know and understand your own values and priorities. You can identify your priorities using this simple exercise. Then you’ll have a foundation for deciding whether you can give in, compromise, or hold your ground.

For minor issues, like things that are neither right or wrong, you can be more flexible. Note: you don’t have to be flexible, but you have the option of being flexible. Here are a couple examples of this:

  • You agree to paint your house the color your spouse prefers.
  • You agree to a vacation in the mountains when you usually prefer the beach.
  • You agree to visit your in-laws more frequently than you prefer. Optionally, you could decide to stay home and have some alone time.

The key to making a fair decision is to not lose sight of the individual and the marriage. You can’t always insist on doing everything the way you prefer. Neither should you always blindly do everything the way your spouse prefers.

For major issues, like your fundamental beliefs about life and faith, you never compromise those. Here are a couple examples of this:

  • You believe sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage, so you refuse to progress your intimacy beyond a certain point until after your wedding.
  • Your spouse wants to lie about your finances to save money, but you tell the truth anyway.

However, sometimes you can adjust your behaviors without compromising your values. Here are a couple examples of this:

  • You don’t agree with a particular church’s doctrine, but you attend services there because your spouse wants to. You can still worship God in your heart the way you want to, so your individual integrity isn’t compromised.
  • You don’t drink, but your son will have alcohol at his wedding. You go anyway but refuse to drink.

You make a conscious choice to reprioritize your values. Here are a couple examples of this:

  • Normally, family is your highest value, but after some personal reflection, you are ready to be more adventurous, so you agree to your spouse accepting a job which requires you to move away from family.
  • Normally, career is your highest value, but you agree to have a second child.

Conflict resolution is easy, right? It is until it isn’t. If you find you can’t come to a resolution in one of the above four ways, you’ll need to go deeper to explore the source of your values. Could you be holding onto a value because of some unmet emotional need? Perhaps something like one of the following is true:

  • You grew up in a home where your parents favored your sibling, so you rarely could choose what you wanted.
  • You were bullied in school, and you never want to feel that way again.
  • Your parents were extremely tight with their money, and you made a vow you’d never be like them.

Emotional scars form the basis for most “unreconcilable differences.” Conflict resolution will be much easier after you pursue emotional healing.

Why Two Identities Struggle to Resolve Conflict

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In my previous post, How Two Identities Become One, I compared relationships to roads. Roads are helpful but they require significant effort to build and maintain. Potholes and dead ends threaten to prevent you from arriving at your destination: connection and closeness.

On the road, potholes represent the fear of intimacy. Destructive conflict is a result of the inability to tolerate intimacy. And what is intimacy, really? Intimacy is nothing else but reality: the way things really are — flaws and all.

How much do you want to know the way things really are? God knows you perfectly. Do you want to know others and yourself perfectly? Reality is scary sometimes. Being authentic requires dropping your guard. Are connection and closeness worth the risk?

If the risk is too great, you can opt for denial and attempt to maintain the status quo (avoid conflict). If you want true intimacy, you can accept the condition of the road and plan a road construction project (embrace conflict).

Denial Makes for a Long, Bumpy Ride

Denial is like driving without your lights on at night. You can’t see the road. But sometimes you don’t want to see.

If you came face-to-face with the brokenness of your fiance and you realized your mate-to-be can’t meet your deepest longings, would you still want to get married? What if I told you the purpose of marriage isn’t to meet your deepest longings? God is merciful here in that de-emphasizing some of your potential mate’s faults allows you to appreciate their positive qualities and pursue marriage.

However, a flat-out denial of your or your mate’s immaturity will weaken your marriage in the long run. You can use denial to obscure a painful reality. Denial helps you cope with the disappointment of discovering flaws only by keeping alive a false hope.

Conflict will come, however, when you realize your mate isn’t capable of what you hope for the most. If you feel entitled, as in your mate owes you, then you’ll probably pick a fight. Fighting allows you to keep the hope alive that your mate can meet your needs. Else, why bother to fight if the situation is hopeless?

When you can’t accept reality one option is to blame your partner for the condition of the road. Conflict becomes a perpetual attempt to avoid facing the death of hope. You reason:

If I try again a different way, even if I create bad conflict, I keep hope alive. They could meet my need if they wanted.

You remain in denial that the other person can’t or won’t fix their road.

Acceptance Allows Detours of Opportunity

In this context, a fear of intimacy is a fear of unfulfillment.

I’ve been hoping all my life to finally make a connection and experience that I’m loved, needed, and wanted. I can’t handle not experiencing this with my mate.

Sometimes there is no fix. Or, at least, no immediate fix. The best solution, healthy grief, allows for the acceptance of true intimacy.

What I want isn’t going to happen. That really sucks! But I’ll be okay.

Putting aside your denial and moving toward acceptance is a tough, but mature, move. It puts a roadblock in the path of your hopes.

Yet, the blocking of one path allows you to see other paths you couldn’t see until now. That “I’ll be okay” can transform future conflict from bad to good. You’re no longer an unreasonable negotiator. You’re emotionally able to consider alternative solutions.

Wait. You mean there’s more than one way for me to experience peace and fulfillment?

Now you’re ready to see your partner in a more realistic light. A mature person wants to see reality more than they want instant fulfillment. Ironically, once this happens, a deeper fulfillment is possible. You’re no longer held hostage because you’re believing there’s only one solution to your pain problem.

Intimacy which results in seeing the limits of the relationship doesn’t have to lead down a path to a dead end. You can see the potential and put up a road construction sign and begin work to fill the potholes and expand the road in the direction God provides:

  • You can start pursuing self-intimacy (knowing yourself), instead of focusing so much on changing your partner.
  • You can feel good about yourself, even if your relationship is limited.
  • You can accept yourself and the needs you have, even if they aren’t currently being met how you want.
  • You have more reason to negotiate because you have more acceptable outcomes.
  • You move beyond destructive conflict because you accept true intimacy.
  • Acceptance allows you to appreciate your mate for who they are, not who you want them to be.

After you’re able to manage your fear of intimacy, you’re ready to resolve conflict. Next week, I’ll discuss cleaving together by defining a set of team values and negotiating decisions.

How Two Identities Become One

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Where do you want to go for dinner?

I don’t care. What do you want?

I’m feeling like Mexican.

That’s fine with me.

I could also go for a hamburger.

Either one sounds good.

Where would you like to go?

I could eat a hamburger. Or, Mexican sounds good, too.

Which would you prefer?

I’m okay either way.

To Be Close You Must Be Defined

To maximize emotional closeness with someone, you must be able to clearly define who you are.

True intimacy is the meeting of two well-defined people. To the degree one or both people are not defined, you lose intimacy. How could you be intimate with someone who never has an opinion or preference?

I took some red play-dough and some grey clay and made three different scenarios as you can see in the post’s image.

The left scenario represents two distinct people with some distance between them. They aren’t making contact, so they can’t experience each other.

The two right scenarios represent couples that have made contact. The top scenario has one color and one shape. This couple thinks they have become one when in reality they’ve lost their individual identities. Exhaustion results when you try to be what the other person wants without defining who you are.

The bottom couple has one shape but retains two distinct colors. This couple can choose to function as a team while still remaining fully aware of their distinct, God-given identities. They have the benefits of togetherness and individuality.

To Be One You Must Remain Two

God’s design for marriage means that a man and a woman become one. One what? One flesh. Not one spirit. Not one identity. Not one soul.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24

and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. -Mark 10:8

Becoming one flesh means a husband and wife are on the same team. There are two people and one team. What happens to one has a significant impact on the other. Yet, both husband and wife retain their individual distinctions (personality, opinions, etc.).

How Two Identities Resolve Conflict

When two people define themselves in a close relationship, they’re bound to stir up some conflict. Conflict in this context is good. Conflict sets the stage for intimacy. Conflict helps two people define where the boundary is between them so that neither loses their self in the process of coming together.

To resolve conflict, you must know your boundaries. You must know yourself and what you want. You must also know and accept the other person’s limitations.

Finally, after you both know what you want, you must communicate this to each other to reach an understanding. You enter into negotiations to determine how to maximize the resolution for the greater good of both of you.

The challenge with this is no one knows themselves perfectly. Once you move closer to another, all kinds of fears can surface.

If relationships are roads, then the fear of intimacy is the potholes.

Next week I’ll discuss the potholes: you can deny their existence (avoid conflict) or accept their existence (embrace conflict).

For now, what’s for dinner?

Who Is Your Source?

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Our desire for love can drive us to rationalize just about any behavior. God made us to experience love. So when we don’t experience it, we know something is deeply wrong. Something is deeply wrong — our suffering is genuine. We do need to keep crying out for love, otherwise we will won’t be able to receive it. As intolerable as being unloved is, if we lose sight of where love comes from, we will ultimately destroy our relationships.

We can submit and surrender ourselves to anything, treating it as a source. Some sources are life-giving and some are life-stealing. Most of our sources will fail us in one way or another. They may be excellent sources with natural limits, or they may be horrible substitutes for fullness of life. God is the only true and trustworthy source that will never run out or fail us.

If you are struggling in your marriage, could you be expecting your partner to be your source instead of God? Are you trying to be sufficient apart from abiding in Jesus?