Christian Concepts

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How To Desire Without Guilt

How To Desire Without Guilt

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Desires are not a dichotomy of good and evil. All the desires God created are good when they are expressed how God intended them to be.

When we are tempted to fulfill a desire for the wrong reasons, it can be equally tempting to throw out the desire altogether. For example, if people are addicted to food, they might overcompensate and decide to eat too little. However, eating too little is just as unhealthy as eating too much.

God would have us learn how to regulate our desires, that is, to use them in the right way. Not over-indulging and not depriving out of guilt. The goal is self-control, a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

What are Desires and When Can I Fulfill Them?

Desires are human drives, appetites, needs, and wants such as:

  • Food
  • Sexual intimacy
  • Physical touch
  • Compassion
  • Power
  • Control
  • Bravery
  • Love
  • Respect

All of these desires can have positive and negative expressions. It’s a matter of timing, situation, and motive. Some are more obvious than others. There’s a right time to eat and a wrong time to eat. There’s a right and a wrong time for sex. Even physical touch is not always appropriate.

What happens when one of these desires becomes an idol? A person might continue to eat beyond what will be helpful for their body. They might eat for pleasure alone to escape the pain of life. A person might seek sexual intimacy or physical touch, involving others without their permission.

What about power and control? They have a more negative connotation, don’t they? But God couldn’t be God without them. Power and control are more often than not used to gain an advantage over another for one’s own benefit. But they can be equally used to protect the vulnerable and accomplish great works.

There’s a time to act with bravery and a time to be humble or accepting instead. Action is not always the answer.

Love is harder to see how it can become a problem. God is love. Love is a fruit of the Spirit. Godly love has a perfect balance to it, so it’s always appropriate (Galatians 5:22-23). Yet in our human attempts at love, we can actually hurt others. Being only kind to someone when they need truth is not loving. Respect is similar. It would seem that respect is always a good attitude. And it would be, except evil shouldn’t be respected.

None of these virtues is the only solution for all time in all situations. To better understand how any one desire is not enough, imagine a world where only one desire existed (eating for example). God created a world more interesting and dynamic than that. We are not robots. Wisdom calls us to apply the right action at the right time according to the need (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8; Romans 12:15; Galatians 6:1-5).

The How of Desire Trumps The What

I’ve established that is not necessary to fulfill a desire all the time. God takes this idea a step further in Romans 14. He says that there are times when we should abstain from an activity we consider to be good if it would cause a fellow believer spiritual distress (v. 15).

You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right. But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.

Romans 14:22-23 NLT

To fulfill desires without guilt, you must develop, train, and follow your convictions. Your conscience matters in determining what is right or wrong. It’s important to realize that living by faith is the same as living with a clear conscience. If you are in right relationship with God, what you do will be right, too.

If you have an over-active conscience or a seared conscience, ask God to restore you to a healthy conscience so you can live free of guilt and condemnation.

Read more about guilt.
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Blame And Defensiveness Exposed

Blame And Defensiveness Exposed

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Reading time: 4 minutes

Who do you blame for life’s problems? How easy is it to identify the source of a problem? What do you blame? When? Why? How often? You might accuse others or you might condemn yourself of some wrongdoing.

Blaming shifts the focus of responsibility. While this tactic might be used for good purposes, I am writing about blame when it is activated for purely selfish purposes.

Blame is Possible Because of a Standard of Behavior

In order to accuse someone of wrongdoing, there must first be some standard in mind, otherwise, the complaint makes no sense. But a blaming statement is meant to carry the weight of authority behind it.

  1. You cut me off in traffic.
  2. You punched me in the face.
  3. You called me names to denounce my worth.
  4. You took the last cookie.
  5. You went to bed without saying goodnight.
  6. You spend too much time with your friends, your computer, your work, your family.
  7. You don’t want to understand me.

What do all of these have in common? They speak of an expectation for behavior, for someone else’s behavior. They could be statements of fact, but they could also be spoken with an edge of condemnation.

We desire to be treated in a way that meets our emotional needs. We also desire to be capable of treating others well. But others fall short and so do we. How well do you love? How badly do you want to love well? What does it mean to you when others love you well?

Blame can be an attack and so blame-shifting is a natural counter-attack. Consider these responses to the above accusations:

  1. You drive too slowly.
  2. You provoked me by continuing to nag.
  3. You don’t understand what I’ve been through.
  4. You never claimed it for your own.
  5. I was too tired to think.
  6. You’re trying to control me.
  7. You’re impossible to understand.

As you can see, the argument is not over whether a standard even exists. It is over the extenuating circumstances, the technicalities of its fulfillment. No one is eager to admit failing to meet the standard. No one wants to feel inadequate to meet the standard.

Blame is Possible Because We Have a Choice

God has standards or laws for many aspects of His creation. Gravity is a law or standard of expected behavior. When a ball is dropped, it falls to the ground. The ball doesn’t have a choice. Gravity would act upon the ball even if the ball could desire to remain suspended in the air.

What about the standards that God has for us? The Bible speaks of the law.

Why, then, was the law given? It was given alongside the promise to show people their sins.

Let me put it another way. The law was our guardian until Christ came; it protected us until we could be made right with God through faith. And now that the way of faith has come, we no longer need the law as our guardian.

Galatians 3:19a,24,25

We no longer need the law as a guardian because we have God Himself as our example of love and our teacher of love. The standard causes us to depend on God to meet the standard. We have the option to sin. We can act against God’s Spirit. We can deviate from His law of behavior.

Unlike the law of gravity that acts upon us involuntarily, God does not forcefully ensure that we love when we don’t want to, or can’t. The law acts upon us from the outside, but God acts from the inside with our cooperation.

When we are faced with our inadequacy to fulfill the law, the natural, sinful response is to minimize the law. My inability to meet your expectations is not my fault. Your standards are too high. You sabotaged my ability to meet them. It’s your fault. You are to blame. The defensive response can seem involuntary because it can come so quickly.

Because we cannot escape from God’s standard, we have only these options to manage God’s standard:

  1. Ignore it (pretend it doesn’t exist).
  2. Downplay it (it exists, but can’t possibly be taken seriously).
  3. Admit falling short but stubbornly hold to independence, living with condemnation (refusing God’s help through Jesus).
  4. Admit falling short but fully depend on God’s help to meet the standard.

The first three will illicit some form of blaming. But when we depend upon God, we no longer have a need for blaming or defensiveness.

Read more about resolving conflict.
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