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Do your relationships ever feel suffocating or isolating? If you’ve been a Christian for some time, you might be familiar with a common saying: “God doesn’t move; if you feel distant, then it’s not Him who’s changed.” In our spiritual journey, we can draw closer to God or allow distance through our decisions and distractions. When you sense that warmth fading, it is often a signal from within that prompts you to examine your priorities and habits.
Staying connected with God is not a passive experience. Just as in any meaningful relationship, maintaining closeness with the Lord requires intentionality—through consistent prayer, meditation on Scripture, and accountability with fellow believers. When neglect sets in, a slow retreat unfolds, not because God has moved away, but because our hearts have drifted into routine and distraction. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward re-establishing that connection.
Deepening Our Relationship with God
In this light, consider the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 3:1:
There is a time for everything,
Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV
and a season for every activity under the heavens
This verse reminds us that both intimacy and periods of thoughtful reprieve are part of God’s plan. It calls us to honor the natural rhythm in our lives—balancing moments of devoted togetherness with intentional times for personal reflection and growth in our walk with the Lord.
Balancing Intimacy and Independence in Relationships
Similarly, the dynamics within our interpersonal relationships follow a rhythm that can be understood through the simple act of breathing. In marriage and close friendships, “breathing in” symbolizes times when you intentionally come together with your spouse to share, to pray, and to connect over heartfelt conversation that reinforces your mutual values. This period of closeness deepens intimacy by keeping your shared spiritual and emotional foundation strong.
On the other hand, “breathing out” does not mean discarding what is good. Instead, it means carving out time for fulfilling, independent pursuits—whether that’s personal study, ministry work, or hobbies that honor your Christian values. This purposeful personal time is essential; it strengthens your individuality and personal faith, equipping you to return to the relationship with renewed purpose and clarity.
Consider a couple experiencing daily tension due to a lack of balance. They have grown so accustomed to constant interaction that personal space is nearly non-existent, resulting in feelings of resentment and a loss of personal identity. By establishing designated periods for couple-time—marked by prayer, conversation, and planning for the future—and respecting intervals for individual reflection, they discovered that their love was not only sustained but enriched. Their experience serves as a powerful reminder that when both aspects are respected, both the marital bond and personal faith can thrive.
When your relationship with God begins to feel strained, consider this breathing rhythm as a guide. Reflect on whether you’re allowing sufficient space for both shared worship and personal devotion. Sometimes, creating clear boundaries for quiet reflection or personal study can lead to a more profound reconnection when joining others in fellowship.
Likewise, examine your relationship with your spouse. Engage in heartfelt conversation about balancing togetherness with personal time. Whether it’s setting aside moments for shared Bible study or arranging personal time to pursue individual callings, this balance strengthens you both as individuals and as a couple.
If you’re facing challenges and finding it hard to rediscover this balance on your own, remember that professional Christian counseling is available. My books and counseling services offer further guidance based on Scripture and real-life experience for anyone seeking to restore closeness and harmony in their relationships.
A thriving relationship isn’t about relentless togetherness or constant isolation—it’s about discerning and respecting the rhythm of your life. By following God’s timing as echoed in Ecclesiastes 3:1, you can learn the art of breathing: drawing close after a time of disconnection, and moving toward fulfilling individual pursuits after togetherness. May you find strength in both union and introspection, knowing that each season is perfectly placed in God’s plan.
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Last updated 20250601
Matt Pavlik is a licensed professional clinical counselor who wants to see each individual restored to their true identity. He has more than 20 years of experience counseling individuals and couples at his Christian counseling practice, New Reflections Counseling. Matt and Georgette have been married since 1999 and live with their four children in Centerville, Ohio.
Matt’s courses and books contain practical exercises that help God’s truth spring to life:
Matt,
How do you find balance in a marriage?
Hi Crystal,
Finding a good balancing point depends on factors like whether you have children, how old they are, or how demanding your career is. Some seasons of life require more of an individual focus or more of a focus on the children. What also complicates this is each person is going to have a different preference for closeness. What feels smothering to one might feel good to the other.
Each marriage is going to be different. But let’s use some numbers to make it more real. Let’s say a couple needs to invest at least 25% into the marriage and 25% into individual pursuits. That leaves 50% to customize a relationship.
After you meet the minimum amounts, I don’t think there’s a right answer, at least not without discussing the specifics of a particular couple. Some questions you might ask yourself:
* What feels comfortable? Have you tried it both ways? What does a 75% marriage 25% individual focus feel like? How about the reverse 25%, 75%? Try both and talk about what you like and don’t like.
* How close are you to agreeing to the balancing point? If you don’t agree, you’ll need to negotiate the balancing point. Does what you want seem to bring you closer together, or push you further apart?
* Do you want to invest in developing a co-ministry (other than parenting)? Or are you content to minister to others separately? Either way, God has some reason for bringing two people together in marriage. Make sure you know what this is and you’re working on this (this can be part of the minimum 25%).
* Does one or both of you desire to go below the minimums? If so, you have a different problem. If you don’t invest enough energy into marriage, you could end up divorced. The same is probably true if you both try to create a 90% focused marriage – it could start off wonderful, but eventually, the lack of freedom to be individuals can cause the relationship to deteriorate.
* Are you able to flex the percentages depending on your stage of life and changing personal preferences?
Marriage is important to God. He wants to see us grow into better, more loving people. At the same time, marriage isn’t everything. It’s okay to have interests, hobbies, and other relationships that your spouse has no interest in. As I mentioned in the post, the right balance should end up enhancing the marriage, not weakening it. The right balance is going to be what helps both of you grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I hope I’m answering your question. The key to making all of this work is also the foundation of a good marriage: Do you know what you want? Can you communicate it to your spouse? Can you have a discussion about it? Can you work through conflict over it and find a win-win? Can you find contentment outside of your marriage as well as inside? Finally, can you do all of this while remaining faithful to each other?