Learn how to maintain objectivity in dating, avoid the ‘lemon’ relationship, and apply biblical wisdom to your search for a mate.
The Cost of Moving Too Fast: Avoiding Years of Marriage Pain
How do people end up choosing an unhealthy person to date or marry? In my experience as a counselor, the answer is often simple: We skip over the time in a relationship when our objectivity should be at its highest.
When we move too fast, we trade long-term marital peace for short-term emotional excitement. The goal isn’t just to find a date for Friday night; it’s to select a partner for a lifetime.
God designed marriage and it is a wonderfully deep and positive experience—if both people are growing emotionally and spiritually.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Genesis 2:18 ESV
When we are first meeting someone, we have the most clarity. But the longer we know someone, the harder it is to remain objective if we’ve already formed an attachment. To understand how we lose our clarity, let’s look at Emily’s experience buying a car.
Emily’s Dating Experience: The “Lemon” Relationship
Emily, a recent college graduate, needs transportation for her new job. She finds a car, takes it for a test drive, and falls in love. She likes the color, the seats are comfortable, and it handles the road with ease. It is love at first sight!
She returns for longer test drives, but her mind is already made up. She plans the “wedding” (the purchase date), signs the papers, and drives away as the proud owner. But the moment she becomes the owner, the perspective shifts from “distant admirer” to “responsible party.”
Four months later, the car won’t start. A mechanic delivers the bad news: it needs $477 in immediate repairs and has a $2,000 oil leak. Suddenly, the car Emily “loved” is costing her dearly.
This situation is recoverable, but what if the car had even more serious problems that could have been identified with an initial inspection? God tells us to completely avoid marrying the person who is not appropriately aligned with our destination.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?
2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV
It would be nice to think God would always prevent us from buying a car that needed a lot of work, but He doesn’t. At least He doesn’t all the time. And He is less likely (or we are less able to hear Him) if we are not praying and asking Him to help us make the decision.
The Dating Myth of the Perfect Selection
No person is perfect, and so no person is a perfect match. Each person is uniquely designed by God, with specific strengths and human limitations that require us to rely on Him.
Even when we are careful, there are no guarantees. Relationships always require hard work. However, we can avoid unnecessary heartache by recognizing two things:
- Ownership vs. Leasing: In a “leasing” phase (dating), you are evaluating. Once you “own” (marriage), the long-term responsibility for the maintenance is yours.
- The Loss of Objectivity: If Emily had already decided the car was “the one” during the first test drive, she wasn’t actually testing it—she was just confirming her feelings. When we are “in love,” we don’t see flaws; we see “character quirks” that later become expensive repairs.
Dating Desperation and “Maintenance Needs”
Flaws aren’t necessarily bad; no one is perfect. But some people are closer to being ready for marriage than others. If you marry someone who is “further away” from being ready, you must be prepared to invest significantly more effort to keep the relationship running.
When we feel a desperate need to find a partner, we lose our objectivity. We become like Emily—so worried about getting to work that we buy the first car that makes us feel comfortable. Desperation makes us overlook “maintenance needs” in a partner that will eventually lead to a breakdown.
Dating A Better Way: Objective then Subjective
Let’s take a closer look at what Emily could have done differently to reduce the likelihood of getting a lemon (but remember, even if you find yourself with a ‘lemon,’ God can help you make lemonade). It was a positive first step that she took the car for multiple test drives. This provides opportunities to experience the car, see how it performs, and notice any glaring flaw.
However, if Emily has already determined that this car is the one for her, she has already lost most of her objectivity. So while continuing to spend more time with her selection, she is only “falling more in love” which means she is increasingly more likely to overlook any flaws.
Attachment and passion are subjective. This is a gift from God! These feelings keep a couple together after they have committed.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:7-8 ESV
That said, before marriage, it is vital to remain objective.
“But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?
Luke 14:28 NLT
Evaluation requires patience. It requires being “tough” enough to look at the reality of a person’s character before your heart is too intertwined to pull away. Because attachments make it harder to walk away later, staying objective early on prevents you from committing to a relationship that isn’t ready for the long haul—before the ‘maintenance needs’ become overwhelming.
Dating Decisions Reflection and Application
As you consider your own relationship or your search for a mate, ask yourself these three questions:
- Check your heart: Are you making a decision based on the “color and comfort” of the relationship, or have you looked under the hood?
- Counting the cost: Are you both “in love” while maintaining the objectivity to choose the right person at the right time?
- The God Factor: Are you allowing God to be part of the selection? He often speaks through prayer and the “mechanics” (wise counsel) in our lives, but we have to be willing to listen.
- For the Married Reader: If you have already ‘signed the papers,’ are you acting like an owner or a renter? Stay committed. Be willing to act tough (look objectively) on where you are at in your relationship (how mature are you and your partner?), while offering total acceptance.
Learn how to build a better marriage with these 3 essential skills.
How I Can Help Make Dating Successful
The process of selecting a mate is daunting because it is so personal. Sometimes, you need a pair of trained, objective eyes to help you sort through your values and feelings.
As a professional counselor, I am available to help you navigate these decisions. Whether you are looking to find the right person or trying to be the right person, we offer the support you need to build a relationship that lasts.
Looking for deeper guidance? Check out my workbook, Marriage From Roots To Fruits, to help you and your partner count the cost before you say ‘I do.’
Need a professional perspective? I specialize in helping couples gain the objectivity they need to make healthy dating decisions and build a foundation for the future.
Image created by Matt using Gemini AI.
